The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 22 - A Selfless Love/The Nubile Nurse/Parents Know Best - full transcript

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

Wait'll you see her, guys.

She makes Raquel
Welch look like Don Knotts.

To you, every woman looks great.



Well, no matter
what she looks like,

I gotta hand it to you,

getting the company
to hire a ship's nurse.

( all laugh ) There
was nothin' to it.

I just told the captain that
sometimes women passengers

can warm up to a nurse
easier than a doctor.

And sometimes a doctor
can warm up better to a nurse.

Especially when
the nurse was once

a Las Vegas showgirl. Hm.

Oh, you should've
seen her, Isaac.

When Dawn Delaney
stood on-stage,

you could hear the
heavy breathing,

and that was just the orchestra.

STUBING: Good
morning, gentlemen.

Hi. Good morning, sir.

All set to head for
the bounding main?

( hiccups )

Oh, there it is again.

Captain, it appears you've got
yourself a case of the hiccups.

Oh, thank you, doctor.

There's nothing
like an instant...

( hiccups )

diagnosis.

BRICKER: Just hold
your breath awhile.

They'll go away.

Hold my breath.

Mm-hm. Four years
as a med student,

one year as an intern,

three years as a resident,

and you tell me
to hold my breath.

( hiccups )

No wonder you need a nurse.

( cheerful theme playing )

And if you don't need her,

I can always use her.

Doc.

Dawn.

( sighs )

Oh. Oh, gosh, oh.

It's so nice to see you again.

I can't believe it.

Dawn Delaney in the flesh.

Uh-uh. I used
to be in the flesh.

Now I'm in a nurse's uniform.

( both laugh )

These are my good
buddies, Gopher and Isaac.

Fellas... this is Dawn.

Hi. Hi.

I used to think that
sunsets were perfect,

but Dawn is something else.

Aw, it's a pleasure
to meet you both.

Any friend of Doc's
is a friend of mine.

Promise? Easy.

Come on, I better
show you the office

and get you squared away. Okay.

Adam, you were so sweet
to recommend me for this job.

How can I ever repay you?

Don't worry. He'll
think of something.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, Bruce, this is
gonna be a lot of fun.

I'd rather have root canal.

Oh...

You can't miss.
You've got your choice

of a couple of
hundred beautiful girls.

Well, Dad, I'll try to
squeeze in a couple of girls,

but it's certainly gonna
cut into my shuffleboard.

( both chuckle ) Hello,

I'm Julie McCoy,
your cruise director.

Hello, Julie. Hi,
we're the Morrisons.

Mr. and Mrs., and our,
uh, available son, Bruce.

( groans )

Well, hello. Welcome aboard.

I'm sure you'll have
a wonderful cruise.

Especially you, Bruce.

I just checked in some
very attractive single ladies.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

But I already have an
attractive single lady.

I'm sorry. Heh.

Bruce, now you promised

you'd forget about
Ginger while you're here.

Right.

Give me a list of
all the single girls,

18 to 21, with
their vital statistics.

Oh, well, I could
make it easier for you

and just have the captain
make a general announcement

from the bridge:
"Bruce is available."

Perfect.

Let's see, you're in Cabins 342

and 344 on the Promenade Deck.

Right up the stairs
and to your right.

Bye-bye. Thanks.

Bye-bye.

Good day, I'm Gopher Smith,

and I'm your friendly,
neighborhood assistant purser.

Hello, I'm Diana Lane.

Diana?

Wasn't there a
goddess by that name?

Ah.

Ahem. Okay, Diana,

you're in Fiesta Cabin 135.

And I want you to know

that I'll do everything
within my power...

And I'm not without power.

To make your stay
on board pleasurable,

memorable and exciting.

Are you like this with
all the passengers?

Oh, mercy no.

Just the goddesses.

Thank you.

But I'm spoken for.

Boy back home, hm? Mm-hm.

Well, I suggest he
seek professional help,

have his head examined.

Because he's crazy to
let somebody like you

out of his sight.

And it just so happens,

I'm going in the
direction of Fiesta 135.

I'll just take you along,
it's part of my duty.

Here's our gift shop.

Dan?

Dan. Merrill.

( both chuckle )

You look fantastic.

( hiccups )

I'm sorry, hiccups.

You look shipshape
yourself, pal.

Yeah, well, it must
be the uniform.

Oh, you're a handsome dog, you.

I'd like you to meet Laura
Wakefield, my fiancée.

And I've told her nothing
but bad about you.

That's not true, captain.

Merrill. And congratulations.

Well, no wonder
you're looking so well.

So when's the big day?

( hiccups )

As soon as you
get over the hiccups.

I'd like you to be
best man, Merrill.

Well, I'd be honored.

This is sort of a combination
wedding and honeymoon.

We've arranged for
a justice of the peace

to marry us in Cabo San Lucas.

Well, I can't think of a more...

( hiccups )

beautiful place to get married.

Or to a more beautiful gal.

Right.

Now, look, I want you
to bring me up to date.

Uh, tell me what's
new besides my hiccups

and your engagement
since I saw you last.

What can I tell
you? I'm... Listen,

you two go ahead and reminisce,

and I'm gonna
go to the gift shop.

All right, babe.

She's beautiful.

( mellow theme playing )

Excuse me.

My pleasure.

Oh, since we bumped
into each other,

my name's Gary Foster.

Hi. Laura Wakefield.

Miss or Mrs.?

Well, it's Miss

until we get to Cabo
San Lucas, and then Mrs.

I always get into trouble

with ladies with
your first name.

Laura?

No, Mrs.

( scoffs )

Excuse me.

Well, I'd better
get back to work

unless you wanna spend
the next three days in port.

Heh-heh-heh. I'll see you, Dan.

Right, Merrill. Nice
seeing you. Bye-bye.

LAURA: Dan?

Why don't we go
check out our cabin

and then go throw
confetti on those poor souls

who aren't sailing with us?

DAN: I'll tell you what.

Why don't we go
down to the cabin

and I'll take this body

and throw it in a
bed and take a nap?

Well, that sounds
like a better idea.

You could probably
use some rest.

Hey, no, your
idea's better than...

I can always take a nap.

How often do you get a chance
to throw confetti at strangers?

WOMAN: Listen
to your father, dear.

Fathers usually know best.

( humorous theme playing )

( both laugh )

( sighs )

( upbeat theme playing
) ( foghorn blowing )

( all shouting indistinctly )

I think it's working.

Of course it's working.

Bruce is having so much fun,

he hasn't had time
to think of Ginger.

Well, I just want him to learn

that there are a lot
more fish in the sea.

And you don't marry
the first girl you fall for.

Oh, dear.

Hi.

Hello. I'm Harry Morrison.

This is my child bride, Phyllis.

Nice to meet you.

You too. I'm Diana Lane.

Hello, Diana.

Well, are you, uh,
traveling alone?

Yes, I am.

Are you single?

Well... HARRY: Ahem, pushy.

Actually, I'm hoping
to get married.

I'm going with
someone right now.

What is this, an
epidemic? I don't get it.

Why do you kids wanna tie
yourselves down at your age?

I'm 21.

Isn't that a coincidence?

Our son Bruce is 22.

Some coincidence.

Tall and very good-looking.

( mischievous theme playing )

Pushy.

( whistle blows )

GOPHER: Listen up.

Hello, everybody. Guess what?

Gopher and I just found
out that there are a lot

of people in here who
don't know each other.

And we figured out a
way for everybody to meet.

Right you are, Julie.

Rather than make
formal introductions,

we're gonna give all of
you the opportunity to make

some informal introductions.

Right, Julie? Right, Gopher.

Okay, if you'd
like to help us out,

all you have to do to join in

is we'd like the ladies
to take off a shoe

and put it in the basket.
That's for starters.

GOPHER: I know it sounds crazy,

but who says you have to be
sane to work on a cruise ship?

Whoo. Remember,
gals, just shoes.

No feet. Thank you.

And no swim fins, guys.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Oh, Dan, that sounds like fun.

Come on, let's get partners.

Oh, no, no. You go on.

You go ahead, enjoy yourself.

Oh, no. Uh-uh.

I am not gonna play without you.

( chuckles )

Okay. Game time.

Goody.

GOPHER: Hey, toss in a shoe.

Yes, ma'am. Hi,
here's another shoe.

Thank you very much.
Oh, wait just a moment, sir.

Just a moment.

Okay, now... Excuse me.

The next step is
up to the fellas.

Now, what you have to
do is you close your eyes,

reach in the basket
and pull out a shoe.

And when you find the owner,

that's your partner
for the game, okay?

Right, Gopher? Right.

And the object of the
game is to pass this orange

to your partner
using just your chin.

( crowd laughs )

Nobody wins, nobody loses,

but as a way of introduction,
it beats shaking hands.

Hey. Here we go.

Step in, grab a shoe. Close
your eyes and reach in.

How 'bout some of
you guys over here?

One to a customer, guys.

Don't... Don't grab
two shoes. Ha-ha.

( sighs )

Hello.

Uh, Bruce, this is Diana Lane.

Oh, hi. Hi. How are you?

I'm fine. How are you? Fine.

And you don't have to tell
her a thing about yourself.

Your mother's covered all that.

( laughs ) Harry.

Bruce, you and Diana
have a great deal in common.

She can't wait to
get married either.

Uh-oh, I sense a lecture coming.

Now, look, you got a
gal and you got a guy

and the two of you think
you wanna get married.

Now, that doesn't mean
that you couldn't have dinner

and go dancing tonight and
have a real good time together.

Well, I think I could force
myself into it, if you can.

All right, it's a date.

Good.

I'll see you all at dinner.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye. Bye.

Hey, Diana, aren't you
gonna play the game?

We could be partners. Oh,

I couldn't handle
the excitement.

Besides, I'm true to the
boy back home, remember?

I'll pick you up at 8. Perfect.

What the boy back home
doesn't know can't hurt him.

( both laughing )

Hold still.

If you don't hold still,

we'll never win
this thing, you know.

Oh, listen... Come on.

GARY: It's not... Oh, no.

It's not whether
you win or lose,

it's how you play the game.

LAURA: All right. Then
let's play the game.

Here we go, here we go!

Oh, oh!

Oh!

Oh... Oh, I think
I'm hurting my neck.

Would you take the orange
from under my chin, please?

Which one?

I've only got one orange.

Uh, from which chin?

( indistinct chatter )

Well, uh, the prince
tried to find Cinderella.

She didn't have to
look for her own shoe.

I was waiting for midnight.

( laughs )

Come on, let's, uh...

Let's show these
youngsters how, shall we?

Here, have an
orange. Oh, thank you.

Hm.

Um...

To tell you the truth, I hate
these childish games too.

Good.

But, uh, you can buy me a drink.

Great.

( laughs )

Hey, how come you two
aren't passing your orange?

We didn't wanna pass
up your piña coladas.

Ah, a wise choice, my friend.

Two piña coladas coming up.

My, how things have changed.

You know, I haven't
been on board a ship

since World War II.

I was a singer with the USO.

Yeah, we were all
young. ( chuckles )

Once.

And romantic.

But then if you're not
romantic when you are young,

when can you be?

Remember those
great old songs, hm?

You remember this one?

♪ I'll be seeing you ♪

BOTH: ♪ In all the old ♪

♪ Familiar places ♪

♪ That this heart
Of mine embraces ♪

Oh, that was fun.

Yeah, it looked like it was fun.

Uh, Glenda Fairbanks,

this is my fiancée,
Laura Wakefield.

Hey, we're a team. Listen.

BOTH: ♪ I'll be seeing you ♪

♪ In all the old ♪

♪ Familiar places ♪

It's Donny and Marie.

Who?

Uh, never mind.

BOTH: ♪ That this heart ♪

♪ Of mine embraces ♪

♪ All day through ♪

ALL: ♪ In that small café ♪

♪ The park across the way ♪

ALL: ♪ The children's carousel ♪

♪ The chestnut tree ♪

♪ The wishing well ♪

( Stubing hiccups )

( upbeat theme playing )

GOPHER: Doc?

Okay, right in
here, Mrs. Martin.

The doctor will take
good care of you.

Oh, my neck.

Oh, I'll never be able
to eat soup again.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, what happened?

She was in the
orange-passing contest

and the orange won.

Doctor's stepped
out for a few minutes,

but don't worry, Mrs. Martin,
I'm sure I can help you.

Uh, we better leave
that, Miss Delaney.

I'll go find Doc.

Oh, Doc, hey, a
passenger is injured.

I think her neck may be broken.

What? I told the showgirl

not to touch her
till you got here.

( Martin screams
) We're too late.

What the heck is
Dawn doing to her?

Too late, doctor.

Your nurse just snapped
my neck back into place.

It was just a simple
muscle spasm.

Well, it seems to be all right.

Does it hurt? Not any more.

Thank you. Oh,
anybody could've done it.

Oh, sure.

Anybody could've done it

if they'd read the
first-aid manual.

Yeah, but she did it.

Thank you. You're
a real lifesaver.

Thank you.

( romantic theme playing )

You didn't mind, did you, Doc?

Mind? Why should I mind?

A good nurse is supposed
to fill in for a doctor.

Listen, um, why don't you take

the rest of the afternoon off?

I'm supposed to be helping you.

There must be
something you want.

Well, now that
you bring it up...

Of course...

( snaps ) straighten the files.

I'll get right to it.

( upbeat theme playing )

( band playing light jazz )

And the doctor
says, "Mrs. Johnson,

I've got good news for you."

The lady says, "It's
not Mrs. Johnson,

it's Miss Johnson."

"Oh, in that case,"
the doctor says,

"I've got some
bad news for you."

( laughs )

Oh.

I'm so glad you
asked me to join you.

So are we, Diana.

Are you really serious
about getting married?

Oh, absolutely. As
soon as I graduate.

And while my
fiancé's in law school,

I'll be working to
help him get through.

Well, young lady,

you seem to have
everything well planned out.

Thank you.

Any room in those
plans for a dance?

I think maybe one.

Excuse us.

You know, I like her.

She has her head on straight.

Yeah, and everything
else is in place too.

Just like you at her age.

What do you mean "her age"?

I have everything
now I had then.

Yeah, just in different places.

But I like it, I like it.

Look at old Doc there.

He's on cloud nine.

Yeah.

If she's an angel of mercy,

all I can say is,
Lord, have mercy.

( sighs )

Honestly, don't you guys

ever even consider
a girl's intellect?

Dawn put herself all the
way through nursing school.

I think she has a very
fine head on her shoulders.

Oh, I wouldn't know about that.

I haven't got up to there yet.

Pardon me, if you don't mind.

Not at all.

Oh, oh, no, please.

I want you to take
a look at my friend.

Mr. Ross?

That back of mine.

I don't know what happened.

Oh, you tried to boogie.

That's what happened.

Do you think you can help him?

Mr. Ross should be
attended to by Dr. Bricker.

Absolutely.

Oh, a good night's sleep

and I'll probably be okay.

If not, call me in the morning.

Hope I live that long.

Well, well,

if it isn't the famous
medical team Bricker and...

( hiccups )

Still got the old
hiccups, captain?

No. I'm doing my
Dean Martin impression.

Eep. Of course I
still have the hiccups.

Pardon me, sir,

but I've been
reading about hiccups

in the medical journals... Uh,

why don't you try
breathing into a paper bag?

Or better yet, gargle
with salt water.

Why don't I just kiss a toad.

Mm-mm. That's for warts.

Oh.

How should I know?

I don't have a medical degree.

( sighs )

There is a new method
for curing hiccups.

The article said that
all... Rest your lips.

You'll need 'em later.

Adam, people are watching us.

Oh, good.

Then they'll know doctors play

other games besides golf.

( band playing up-tempo jazz )

Now, why don't they play
some music you can dance to?

Uh, do you mind?

Not at all. Thank you.

( laughs )

May I, captain?

Uh, Laura?

I'll see you back at the table.

Well, enjoy yourselves.

( chuckles )

( sighs )

Boy, that's some beautiful girl

you got there, Dan.

Yeah, young and beautiful.

I always wonder
if she wouldn't be

better of with somebody younger.

Oh, come on, Dan, you
don't dance through life.

You love her, don't you?

Merrill, in 20 years
I'll be almost seventy.

And she'll still be a young
and beautiful woman.

Hey, look, you can get a lot
of happiness out of 20 years.

Do you know how many
married couples, any age,

would give their right arm
for one year of happiness?

Oh, I've gotta go
talk to that band.

( hiccups )

If they don't slow
that tempo down,

they'll be in San Pedro
two days before the ship.

Uh, how'd you like to play
something from my generation?

( band playing slow jazz )

( applause )

You're a great dancer.

Dan's a great teacher.

They're playing our song.

Come on.

You quitting?

Yeah. I'll take a rain check.

I'll see you later, okay?

Yeah.

Hello, Diana.

Goodbye, Ginger.

Hallelujah.

Ah. I knew you'd
be light on your feet.

Well, you're not bad yourself.

Would you excuse
me though, really I'd...

I'd like to dance
with my fiancée.

Oh, well, sure.

Where is she?

She was here a moment ago, uh...

Heh-heh. She must have left,

so, uh, let's not
waste this music, hm?

( tender theme playing ) Mmm.

Oh, heh, Bruce,
you're one terrific kisser.

Well, you're not
so bad yourself...

Ginger. ( giggles )

( tense theme playing )

Hi.

Hi.

I looked for you down on
the floor, but you'd gone.

Oh, well, I, uh...

I just thought I'd come up
here and slip into something

a little more
comfortable, that's all.

( chuckles )

Comfortable for you maybe,

but, tsk, it sure makes
my blood pressure go up.

Oh? Heh.

Oh, well...

Here. Let me.

Thank you.

Hey, you know, you really
are a fantastic dancer.

I didn't realize
how good though,

until I saw you on the
floor with someone else.

Well, you looked pretty
good with that young fella too.

Oh, but that older
woman was incredible.

Older woman? Heh.
She's younger than I am.

Oh, but you look
so young, darling.

That's just the reflection
of you in my eyes.

( laughs )

( tender theme playing )

Hey, what's that?

Hey, that's me.

Yeah. Heh. ( chuckles )

Where did you get that?

Your mother gave it to me.

You know, if I thought

a baby of ours would
turn out like that,

I'd lock us in a room forever.

Well, I'm getting
a little pooped.

Think I better go turn in.

( sighs )

( sighs )

Well, um...

( sighs )

Good night.

Good night.

I'll see you in the morning.

Okay.

( upbeat theme playing )

( knocking on door )

Oh, Mr. Ross, come in.

Doctor told me to see him
first thing in the morning.

Oh, he'll be here
soon. How's your back?

Did you ever get stepped on

by an elephant
wearing baseball spikes?

And that's the way it
was before it got worse?

Uh-huh. Come over here
and have a seat, all right?

Thank you.

I'm sure you won't
have to wait too long.

( dramatic theme playing )

( bones crunch )

My back!

Mr. Ross, are you all right?

It's better. My back is better.

Mrs. Martin was
right. You're a genius.

Good morning. Ah, Mr. Ross.

Let's have a look at your back.

Oh, you wanna see my back?

Come down to the swimming pool.

I'm gonna be the guy
doing jackknifes into the pool

from the smokestacks.

You cured him?

Believe me, it was nothing.

Tell me the truth.

You're a registered witch?

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, I think I should tell
them who I am right now.

Just give 'em a little time to
get to know you first, okay?

Bruce, it's... It's deceitful.

I'm going to go tell them.

BRUCE: No.

Now, you gotta
stick with our plan.

I feel guilty.

I don't like fooling
nice people like that.

We made a deal.

Well, I'm sorry I let
you talk me into it.

Talk you into it?

I just mentioned the
idea. You jumped at it.

I did not.

How do you like that? Twenty-one
and your memory's going.

Not mine, yours.

If you're going to build
our marriage on deceit,

maybe we should
think a little more

about getting married.

Well, what does that mean?

It means maybe your
parents were right.

Maybe you're not mature
enough to get married.

Now, listen... ( sighs )

Well, ever since we
came aboard, he's...

( sighs )

I don't know, it's been like...

Like he didn't really
care for me anymore.

Why would you think that?

Well, he's always
dancing with other people,

he's always talking
to other people.

You mean the way we are now?

No. We're talking about him.

That's different.

He spends more time with
Glenda than he does with me.

I almost think he'd rather
spend the time with her anyway.

Oh, come on. Now, that's dumb.

I don't think so.

( somber theme playing )

Dumb, is it?

( sobs )

( woman giggles )

( sobbing )

( mellow theme playing )

Hey, if you're planning to
jump, don't forget your snorkel.

Heh. Thanks.

Why the long face?

Oh, it's Diana. We
had an argument.

I'm sorry, son.

But I'm sure you'll
meet someone new

before the day is up.

Well, that certainly
proves our point.

I mean, if he can be that upset

about a girl he
just met yesterday,

he can't be very much
in love with his Ginger.

I wonder what he and
Diana argued about.

Oh, probably sex.

Harry, I swear,

sometimes I think that
is all you think about.

Count your blessings.

( playful theme playing )

STUBING ( over
PA ): Buenos noches.

This is the captain speaking.

Mexican Fiesta night
is now under way

in the Acapulco Lounge.

( band playing
Latin dance music )

Buenos noches, señor.

Would you like to
share a margarita?

Oh, Julie, if you don't mind,
I'd rather be alone, okay?

Oh, okay.

Nothing personal,
really. It's all right.

I'll get over it. Don't
worry about me.

I'll be fine.

( speaking in Spanish )

Hey, I've been
looking all over for you.

( Spanish accent ): How about
the two of us go dance on a hat?

You go, Gopher.
I'm not in the mood.

Sure.

Adios.

( sighs )

He looks miserable.

So does she.

Do you think he could actually
have fallen in love with Diana?

They've only known
each other two days.

Why not? I flipped for
you in just 24 hours.

Of course, you were the
most beautiful girl in the world.

And still are.

Thank you.

You know, I think we stuck
our nose into something

that was none of our business.

Yeah, Bruce and Diana
had their lives all planned out

until we forced 'em together.

Well, it wasn't our
fault they fell in love

or had a fight.

Well, not totally our fault.

Are you having a good time?

Sure. Are you?

Oh, yeah.

Would you like a drink?

No.

Actually, I was, uh,
feeling a little tired

and I thought maybe
I'd go to bed early.

Uh, yeah, me too.

I'm tired myself. I
think I'll go to bed early.

I can't stand this
anymore. Come on.

Bruce, we owe you an apology.

What?

For conning you
into this cruise.

We will never try to
influence you anymore.

Whatever you
wanna do with your life

is none of our business.

( sighs )

Well, I owe you an apology.

We conned you too.

"We"?

Ginger and I.

That's her right there.

You see, Diana...

is Ginger. They're
one in the same.

You mean you tried
to pull a fast one on us?

Yeah, but don't blame
her. I had to talk her into it.

Okay, Bruce, that's it.

I love you and I'm
sick of playing games.

I'm Ginger.

We planned this little charade,

hoping that you'd learn
to like me for myself

without knowing that I'm the
one who wants to marry your son.

Ginger...

I think what Bruce and I
did was wrong and deceitful,

and I hope someday you'll
be able to forgive us for it.

Cute kid, but what
a blabbermouth.

Nothing you can say will keep
us apart, absolutely nothing.

PHYLLIS: Ginger,
will you hold it?

Just hold it. It's all right.

You have our blessing.

Really?

Mm-hm.

Oh, Bruce. Bruce, did you hear?

I heard, I heard. But...

Now, will you stop talking
long enough for me to kiss you?

( laughs )

You know, that Dawn
is really wonderful.

Mm-hm.

Sometimes I just need
a woman to talk to,

and Dawn has a
perfect bedside manner.

I think she oughta be nominated
for a Nobel Prize for medicine.

Well, I guess I was wrong.

I mean, I had her pegged
as a ding-a-ling in white.

Boy, how lucky can you get?

A body like that
and a brain to match.

ISAAC: It's not always lucky.

Your body matches your brain.

Oh, well, I think she
seems to know everything.

Talking about Dawn
again, eh? Mm-hm.

I'm beginning to think
she's Dr. Schweitzer in drag.

What the...?

What kind of a
Mexican outfit is that?

Zorro!

Zero!

DAWN: Hi, everybody.

ALL: Hi.

I hope I'm not too late.
No, that's okay, honey.

You were probably performing
emergency brain surgery.

DAWN: Adam, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

This is our last night at sea.

I was hoping we could celebrate.

Well, that sounds good to
me. Yeah. What could we do?

We? Did I say we?

I don't remember saying
we. I don't think I said we.

Did you hear me say we? We?

Not we.

Heh. Probably not.

( hiccups )

I don't know, captain.

If I were you, I'd
talk to your tailor.

Doc, Doc, you gotta help me.

Well, first of all, I'd
lose the mustache.

I'd bury it.

I am talking about my hiccups.

( hiccups )

Well, we've just gotta
try some other remedies.

Pardon me, captain.

Uh, yes?

( hiccups )

Just a little
pressure on the ribs

near the diaphragm.

( gasps )

Olé.

( sighs )

Well, they seem to
have disappeared.

Doc,

I've gotta hand it to
this nurse of yours.

Heh-heh-heh. You're
a miracle worker.

Ain't she just? ( sighs )

( sighs )

( upbeat theme playing )

MAN ( on PA ): Good afternoon.

For those of you who
wish to go ashore,

launches will be leaving
for Cabo San Lucas every...

Okay, I'm free. Let's go.

I just spoke to the
justice of the peace

in Cabo San Lucas,
and he's waiting for us.

Well, where's Laura?

I don't know.

( melancholy theme playing )

What's going on with you two?

I just don't think it's
fair to her, Merrill.

Loving her isn't fair?

No, loving somebody is
making them happy, and I...

She, uh, would be happier

with people who are...

younger, like Gary
Foster, you know?

Dan, the worst mistakes
come from hasty decisions.

Well, this is not
a hasty decision.

I've been thinking about
it for a couple of days.

Think about it a little longer.

( sighs )

Yeah, there's no need to.

How long are we
gonna be here in port?

A few hours.

I think I'll pack, then, and
fly back to Los Angeles.

At least finish the cruise.

No.

I want her to be
free to enjoy herself.

You tell her for me, will you?

Dan... After I've gone, though.

Thank you, Merrill.

Why are you packing?

Uh...

The ship doesn't
dock in Los Angeles

till tomorrow afternoon.

Well, I'm... I'm
flying back today.

Well, why?

( sighs )

I've always wanted you
to feel free and, well, I...

I-I just feel like I'm
being selfish with you.

What do you mean, selfish?

Well, you enjoy yourself
so much with other people.

People like... Like Glenda.

Glenda?

Glenda.

So I'm letting you
have your freedom.

( scoffs )

Yeah, you're letting
me have it, all right.

Right in the kisser.
Oh, come on.

You were having the best
time of your life without me.

You're singing and dancing.

You haven't exactly
been locked up in a cage.

All I ever wanted
to be was your wife.

Well, how dare you assume

you're the only person
in this cabin who's in love.

I love you more than you
could possibly ever love me.

( melancholy theme playing )

Ah, Laura, my age.
When I'm 70... I know.

When you're 70, I will be 49.

And when you're
90, I will be 70.

And when you're
120, I will be 100.

Oh, Dan, do you think our ages

will make any difference then?

We rode the carousel
together, Dan.

And God gave us the brass ring.

And you're throwing
it right back in his face.

Oh.

( sobbing )

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You're right. You're right.

I promise you one thing.

I will never ever
do anything again

to bring a tear to your eye.

( sighs, sniffles )

( whispers ): I love you.

Oh, Dan, I love you so much.

( sighs )

And I'll tell you another thing.

No matter how old I am,

without you, tomorrow I'd be 90.

Oh...

Just look at these cards.

None of 'em are up to date.

Where are my tongue depressors?

I cannot find my
tongue depressors.

Well, they should be
here somewhere, Adam.

It's doctor.
Dr. Bricker, thank you.

And there are no magazines
in my waiting room.

I threw them out, doctor.
They were ten years old.

You threw out my
National Geographics?

Without asking?

You call yourself a nurse.

I'm sorry, doctor.

I... I just never realized...

That's no excuse!

Look, instead of
being Dr. Delaney,

why don't you just try to
concentrate on doing your job!

( sobbing )

But, Adam, I've
been trying so hard.

Uh, wait a minute, Delaney.

Dawn, nobody ever
said you weren't trying.

Hey, Dawn, I just wanted
to thank you for everything.

We were just discussing,
uh, medical procedures.

You know, Doc,
there's an old saying.

Yeah, I know, I know.
Physician, heal thyself.

No.

Physician, quit
being such a heel!

( exhales )

( upbeat theme playing )

( knocking on door )

It's open.

Hi there. How's it going?

Fine, thank you, Dr. Bricker.

I'm almost packed.

Uh, Dawn...

I came to apologize for
the way I spoke to you.

You don't have to.

A doctor doesn't have to
apologize to a mere nurse.

You could make me
feel worse than that.

I'll just go back to
Vegas where I belong.

Okay. I feel worse.

Let's face it, Doc.

I'm just not cut
out for nursing.

You're right.

You should be a doctor.

What?

Yeah.

You have a... An
instinct for people.

You'd be great.

( scoffs )

Oh, come on, Doc.

No, I mean it.

You can do it.

( tender theme playing )

You know, it's funny.

I had a year of pre-med.

I was on my way to
becoming a doctor.

Oh, what stopped you?

Me.

I figured no one would
take me seriously.

You know, once a sex
symbol, always a sex symbol.

Yeah. I know what you mean.

( laughs )

( chuckling )

Hey, Dawn, come here.

( sighs )

Sit down.

Dawn, doctors are
certainly not gods.

All we can do is
listen to the patient

and try our best to help.

And that's exactly
what you've been doing.

Ah. I don't know,
Doc, it's a big step.

I've got faith in you.

But even if you
were right, I mean...

How do I know they would take
me back into a medical school?

And how do you
know they wouldn't?

Especially if I write a
letter of recommendation

to a couple of deans.

Doc, would you?

( sighs )

How can I ever thank you?

You're doing just fine.

And isn't this a lot more
fun than a thank-you note?

( upbeat theme playing )

( sighs )

I, uh...

You didn't leave.

What?

Leave the most
beautiful girl in the world?

All right. All right, that's it.

Now, look, you love
her and she loves you,

and the moment we
land in Los Angeles,

the three of us are
flying to Las Vegas,

and you two are getting married.

That's it. Period.

Mmm. No. No way, Merrill.

No. Not a chance.

( stammers, sighs )

We found your justice of
the peace at Cabo San Lucas

before we sailed and, uh,

we got married.
Heh-heh. ( chuckles )

( all chuckling )

I'm gonna kiss the bride.

Oh.

( upbeat theme playing )

( inaudible dialogue )

Goodbye, captain. Goodbye.

I'll be seeing you.

♪ In all the old
Familiar places ♪

( both chuckle )

Bye. Bye.

GOPHER: Bye-bye. JULIE: Bye.

Goodbye. ALL: Bye.

Goodbye. So long.

I hope you enjoyed your cruise.

Enjoyed? I gained four pounds.

I did better than that.
I gained a daughter.

( all chuckle )
Bye-bye. Thank you.

Bye. So long.

Oh, hey, Diana,

I'm gonna be off
duty in about an hour.

How about the two of us
having dinner at my place?

Oh, Gopher, I'd love to.

You would?

But you'll have to ask Bruce.

We're getting married.

Well, how about the boy back
home you were gonna marry?

Bruce is the boy back home.

Makes sense to me.

STUBING: Hope
you enjoyed yourself.

( both chuckling )
STUBING: Goodbye.

Merrill, goodbye and
thank you for everything.

You're a good friend.

Well, you're not. I've got a
bone to pick with you two.

I was supposed to be the
best man at your wedding.

Heh. Sorry.

Listen, we'll let
you be godfather

to our first child,
okay? Really?

And the second
one. And the third

and the fourth and...
So you can see why

you won't be hearing
from me for a while.

( all chuckle )

MARTIN: Pardon me, sir.

I just have to tell you

what a beautiful
daughter you have.

She's not my daughter,

but don't tell my wife.

( all laugh )

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

( upbeat theme playing )

Thanks, Isaac. Sure.

Oh, well, take care, everybody.

It was nice meeting you.

It's been a great cruise, Dawn.

Let's keep in touch, okay?

Okay. ( coughs )

Excuse me. Ahem.

That cough, Doc, how
long have you had it?

Oh, just, uh,
since this morning.

I'm okay. Heh.

You better take an antibiotic

and get some bed rest... alone.

Oh!

Whatever you say.

Now, where do I send the bill?

( both chuckle )

Bye.

STUBING & ISAAC: Bye. Bye, Dawn.

What did I tell you?
She's a born doctor.

You were right.

( hiccups )

But I didn't say
she was perfect.

( all laugh )

( upbeat theme playing )