The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 23 - Musical Cabins - full transcript
A spunky reporter is aboard to write an expose of lust on the high seas. A man has one week to marry or lose his inheritance. A woman moves out of her chauvinist fiancé's cabin. A suburban widow impersonates a glamorous Hollywood socialite.
( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing )
Hello, welcome aboard. Hello.
Welcome aboard.
Hi. Welcome aboard.
Hi, welcome aboard.
Kurt. Huh?
Wait. This stuff is heavy.
Ha-ha-ha. The
weaker sex. ( groans )
Oh, how do you do?
I'm Julie McCoy,
the weak little cruise director.
Hi, sugar.
I'm Kurt Stenzel,
and this is Dee Dee
Donnelly, my chick.
Huh. Your chick?
We're engaged.
Having ourselves a
little early honeymoon.
Right, sugar face,
huh? ( chuckles )
Oh, Kurt. Heh.
That's the finest
animal I've ever owned.
Come on, come on.
Let's go, huh?
I'm gonna break
every bone in his body.
Easy. You're on duty.
Welcome aboard.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Are you associated
with the cruise?
No. Somebody stole
my ice cream truck.
Ah. Sorry.
Ha-ha. No, I'm only kidding.
Oh. Oh, that was a funny.
( chuckles ) That was funny.
Yeah, I'm Adam
Bricker, the ship's doctor.
Nelson Hoag. Hi.
Are there gonna be a lot
of single girls on this cruise?
Well, we get our share.
Ah. Where do you keep them?
Is there any special
place they hang out?
Not really. If you
don't count my cabin.
Say, there's one of your
basic single girls right there.
Thank you. Excuse me.
( clears throat )
Hello. My name is Nelson Hoag.
Would you please marry me?
Don't be discouraged.
With a suave approach
like that, you can't miss.
Hi, welcome aboard.
Hello. Hey.
Oh, good heavens! Who died?
Uh, these are
for Ireni Jermaine.
Really?
Well, that's who all
these cablegrams are for.
Oh, yeah?
You know, one of 'em's
from Burt Reynolds.
He says he'll just kill himself
if she doesn't come home soon.
( chuckles )
Ireni Jermaine.
Promenade Deck 341.
Up the stairs.
( sighs ) Who is Ireni Jermaine?
( horn honks )
Ah. Now, remember to say
goodbye to the kids, okay?
Well, look, Irene...
Ah-ah. It's Ireni.
Oh, well, I'm your
sister. It's Irene.
Did you send the flowers?
Yes. And... And the cablegrams.
Do you know how much
all this is costing you?
Not including the
cruise and the clothes?
I know.
But how can I have my fling?
I wanna be somebody
for a change.
Well, you are somebody.
You're a housewife from Pacoima.
A widowed housewife
from Pacoima.
Oh, Philip will be
spinning in his grave.
My Philip spin? At
best a twitch or two.
Look. He was a wonderful
man, and I loved him dearly.
But that was a long time ago,
and right now, I... I wanna
meet someone glamorous.
And in order to meet
someone glamorous,
I gotta be someone glamorous.
Oh, sis.
Look, uh, I gotta go.
You just call me
five times a day
and, uh, make up
important names.
Love you.
How's about Catherine the Great?
( playful theme playing )
( mysterious theme playing )
( clears throat )
I'm O'Rourke. Who are you?
Smith. Call me Gopher.
Mm-hm.
Can I trust you?
Well, not if we were
out in the moonlight,
but here in the lobby...
I'm a reporter for
Defile magazine...
Oh.
- -traveling incognito
on this bucket of
lust to write a story
that will blow the lid off.
Well, there's nothing to
write about on this ship.
I didn't just fall off the
turnip truck, you know.
I know what's going on.
Musical cabins, wife-swapping,
organized hanky-panky.
You're wrong. I swear. Sure,
sure, sure, sure.
Look, just, uh...
keep your eyes
open for me, will you?
I'll be in touch.
Should be another
interesting cruise.
We got a full boat.
Uh, it's a ship.
And, yes, it
certainly should be.
Who is that tawny creature?
Dr. Bricker, that tawny
creature is off-limits to you.
You know her?
Not yet. But I will.
Oh, you must be Ireni Jermaine.
Quite.
Well, then, all of
these are for you.
Oh. Heh-heh. Welcome
to the Princess.
Captain Merrill Stubing
at your command.
How sweet. Ireni
Jermaine. ( chuckles )
I hope you get into your
cabin, Miss Jermaine.
There must be a ton
of flowers in there.
( chuckles )
Marlon. Hee-hee.
Jack and Warren too.
Oh, they're always
doing things like that.
It's sweet.
But it's a bit of a pain.
Oh, why don't
you distribute them
among the indigent passengers.
Bye-bye.
What a fascinating woman,
isn't she, Captain Stubing?
Captain Stubing?
Hm?
Oh. ( chuckles )
( horn blowing )
( all shouting )
Bye.
WOMAN: Goodbye.
( cheering )
( horn blowing )
( upbeat theme playing )
Hey, what's the matter?
Y-you mad at me or something?
"The finest animal I own."
I could have died.
W... Well, I meant
that as a compliment.
You are... You know,
you are a fine animal.
Do you think you own
me like one of your horses?
Hey, don't make any
cracks about my horses.
Hey, give the big guy a kiss.
No!
Come on. You
don't care about me.
To you, I'm just some chick.
No, you're not some
chick. You're my chick.
How about I am a person?
Okay. Okay. You're a person.
Now, shut up before I belt you.
Do you know what you are?
A male chauvinist pig.
Hey, hey. Hey.
You're damn right I am.
You know what the big guy is?
He is the Rock Island Line.
You wanna ride it, you
ride it like you find it.
You don't like it,
ptt, adios amigo.
Oh yeah? Well, ptt,
adios amigo yourself.
Get out of the cabin
and leave me alone!
Uh-uh-uh. I paid for the cabin.
You wanna be left alone?
There's the door, baby.
Uh-huh. I'll give you alone.
Ha-ha. I can do that real good.
And, uh, angel,
when you cool down,
why don't you come back?
I need a back rub, huh?
Oh, and bring me
some cigarettes.
( dramatic theme playing )
( upbeat theme playing )
Hello.
Oh. I'm, uh...
I'm Nelson Hoag.
Would you marry me?
Doesn't anyone wanna
play shuffleboard anymore?
( sighs )
Don't feel bad. She
didn't buy me line either.
It's not a line. I
have to get married.
Oh? It's the truth.
If I tell you why,
do you promise
not to tell anyone?
Not even the American
Medical Association.
Ah, word of honor.
Look, next week I'll be
25 years old. Mm-hm.
And according to
my grandfather's will,
if I'm not married by
then, I lose my inheritance.
Oh, I got you. Yeah.
But you just can't go
up to a girl and say,
"Will you marry me?"
You gotta strike
up a conversation,
you gotta get acquainted,
you gotta be... cool.
I'll try that. Thank you.
Hello. I'm Nelson Hoag.
Would...? Would you
like to get acquainted?
( whimpers, sobbing )
( sniffles )
Excuse me. Hm?
I'd like to talk to the
person in charge of cabins.
Well, that's me. Uh... Oh.
There some problem?
I have moved out of
my boyfriend's cabin,
and I would like a
cabin of my own, please.
Oh, ma'am. The ship is
booked to the gunwales.
There isn't a cabin
I can give you.
( whining ): Oh, no.
Oh, I can't go
crawling back to him.
That's exactly what
he wants me to do.
( sighs, sniffles )
He even said to
bring him cigarettes.
Uh, gee, I'm sorry, ma'am.
I just wish there was
something I could do.
Some teeny-weeny
little space someplace?
I could sleep on a sofa. Please?
Uh, let me see if I
can find us a sofa.
Just a tiny little spot.
I don't take up very
much room. I'm very quiet.
Now, now. ( sobbing )
I can't bear to see a
beautiful woman cry.
As it happens, I can help.
You can?
I'm Adam Bricker, and I have
a very, very large cabin.
I rattle around in
there all by myself.
( sighs )
Consider it yours.
Oh, really? BRICKER: Certainly.
After all, as the ship's doctor,
it's my job to make
people feel good.
( chuckles, sniffles )
Cabin C-117. (
repeats, silently )
The door's open.
Oh, thank you, Dr. Bricker.
Thank you very much. C-117.
Mm-hm. C-117. C-117.
C-117.
C-117.
If you think she's
grateful now...
( sighs ) wait till later.
( whimsical theme playing )
No hanky-panky on the ship, eh?
What are you doing
in there, O'Rourke?
Ha-ha. A good reporter is
always where the action is.
And on this ship, I think
I'll need roller skates.
All right, O'Rourke,
wait a minute.
Doc was just offering
that passenger
a place, uh, to sleep.
Oh, sure.
He's a regular Holiday Inn.
This article is gonna
make Hugh Hefner blush.
( playful theme playing )
( upbeat theme playing )
( light jazz music playing )
Here's to independence
and self-reliance.
Kurt just came in.
I'm afraid when he finds out
that I moved into your cabin...
Dee Dee, you're a
person with a free will.
You can make your own decisions.
( glasses clink )
( sighs )
Where have you
been all afternoon...?
Well, between 1
and 3 I was, um...
No, I mean her.
Well?
I have moved into
Dr. Bricker's cabin.
What?!
She said she, uh...
KURT: Hey, slugger,
I'd stay out of
this if I were you.
The lady happens to be with me.
Uh, funny, that's not
the impression I got.
( sighs )
Come on, Dee Dee, let's go.
Nope.
What do you mean?
I mean no.
Come on, will you?
DEE DEE: No, I won't.
And that is final.
For someone so young, you've
made a very mature decision.
Okay, Nelson, I gotta get
back and finish some work,
so I'm gonna leave you here.
Now, you just find a seat...
try to look debonair,
and the girls will come to you.
I like that one a lot.
Uh, no. That's Julie
McCoy, our cruise director.
She's not for
you. Is that clear?
Okay. Okay.
Good luck.
Hey, how you doing, pretty lady?
Fine until now.
Uh-huh, I like that. I like
a filly with temperament.
How about, uh, giving
a big guy a dance, huh?
Oh, hey, sorry, big guy,
but this filly hasn't
been halter-broke.
Besides, the gentleman
has this dance.
I do?
Sure. Sweep me off my feet.
Uh, I only know how to polka.
( muttering )
( clears throat )
Good evening, Miss Jermaine.
Oh. Good evening, captain.
Uh, Miss Jermaine,
telephone call.
Oh. Heh.
It's, um, Rudolf Nureyev.
Again?
( mouths ): One second.
Rude.
( chuckles )
Oh, you persistent
little peasant, you.
( chuckles )
Oh, uh, yes. Uh-huh.
Yes.
( mouths ): He talks so much.
Oh. Well, I miss you too. Ha-ha.
Oh, how can I forget the
night we tangoed together?
You spoiled me for
anyone else. Ha-ha.
( sighs )
Um...
Ahem. Could you hold
on for just a minute, Rudy?
Yes, captain?
Nothing.
Have a nice evening.
Oh.
So how's the ballet?
Goodbye, Rudy.
Anyway... I feel a lot better
about everything.
You know... you're
a very sweet guy
to let me sleep in your bed.
It's my pleasure.
Thank you.
( door opens )
I'm ready.
Gee, are you going out
in the corridor in that?
No. I wasn't planning to.
Oh.
Where are you going to sleep?
Well, I was planning...
That is... Heh.
I thought we could
both... Wha...?
Sleep here?
What kind of a girl
do you think I am?
But you... I didn't.
Didn't you...? No.
I thought... Not once.
( knock at door )
Excuse me.
( gasps )
Dee Dee, you get
out of that yo-yo's bed
and come back where you belong.
No, I'm staying.
Look, you get up
or so help me, I'll...
You'll what?
I'll knock your
block off, four-eyes.
Oh, my goodness!
( gasps ) Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean
for you to get hit.
Oh, I don't want you
to go away all hurt.
Help me. Oh. Ooh.
Oh, come to the
bathroom. Help me.
To the bed.
Oh. Oh, my good... Ooh.
Oh, now. Ooh.
Oh, my goodness. Oh.
Here, stuff this up your
nostril while you're leaving.
( upbeat theme playing )
I really enjoyed
the band tonight.
I thought they were exceptional.
Me too. Yeah?
Me too.
Well... here we are at my cabin.
I had fun dancing with you.
You're a nice person.
You're not so bad yourself.
You really think so?
I mean, I'm not so bad?
Mm-mm.
I'll even go further than that.
You're a very nice man, Nelson.
You just need a
little more confidence.
If you want something, get it.
You mean it?
Mm-hm.
Well, there is
something I'd like,
if you wouldn't mind.
Sure.
Good night, Julie.
( melancholy theme playing )
Isaac. Isaac. Yeah.
Will you do an old pal a favor?
Sure, anything. Just name it.
Can I bunk with you?
Name another.
ISAAC: Come on, Doc. Now,
what happened to Goldilocks?
Well, she ate my
porridge, broke my chair,
and now she's asleep in may bed.
ISAAC: She give
you that beat-up nose?
Huh? Oh, no. That's, uh...
That's just advancing age.
You see, after 40, the
muscle in your head
turns to fat and drops.
Doc... I'd like to help you,
but, uh, I got this cutie
up in the Starlight Bar,
and I thought I'd kinda...
Say no more. Thanks anyway.
Good, Doc. You're a sport.
( dramatic theme playing
) ( knocking at door )
Gopher? You in there? Gopher?
Oh, nuts.
Doc.
Uh... can I come in?
Sure.
Psst.
What are you in for, O'Rourke?
Just the man I want to see.
Who's in C-125?
Julie McCoy, cruise director.
Oh, boy. This is
really disgusting stuff.
I love it.
Ow. Julie. Gee. Well,
it serves you right,
for being so lecherous.
All right, look, Julie,
no lectures, please?
It's been a very
difficult evening.
I just want to find
a place to sleep.
Well, you happen to be sitting
on the only place to sleep.
As you may have noticed,
it's a single bed, Doc.
A very small single bed.
All right, don't worry. I
won't invade the purity
of your single bed.
I'll sleep in the bathtub.
Oh, Doc... could I
ask you a question?
I mean, just purely
as a matter of interest.
How will I sleep in the bathtub?
I haven't figured that out yet.
No, um...
Well, heh, here we are,
two passably
attractive human beings
of the opposite sex.
Uh, one of us a known lecher.
You, a lecher?
I never suspected.
I'm serious.
Why haven't you
made... an overture? Heh.
Julie! That'd be like making
a pass at my own kid sister.
You know, you've done something
that I didn't think
was possible.
You've shocked me.
Good night.
Well, I'm sorry if
the idea offends you!
Um, I wasn't actually
suggesting anything. I, uh...
I just thought
that... Oh, forget it.
( whines )
After I close up, how
about you and me
taking a tour of the ship?
( piano playing )
Mm. I just love the
way you communicate.
Mmm.
Isaac, would you pour
me a drink, please?
Whatever's closest.
In a minute.
Another rejection.
You can have mine.
Thanks.
Oh, Nelson. I thought you were
all locked up for the evening.
I'm sorry about what happened.
I'd like to make it up to you.
You would?
Would you like to buy me
a bottle of Irish whiskey?
Whole bottle?
Sure. We can
finish it at your place.
My place is in Santa Monica.
Your cabin, Nelson.
Put this on my bill.
( whimsical theme playing )
( yawning ): Thank you.
Oh, Nelson, peel me a grape.
I beg your pardon?
Would you fix me
a drink, please?
Oh. Oh, of course.
Mm. Good.
Can I ask you a
simple question first?
Sure.
Will you marry me?
Nelson, the question
isn't simple. You are.
I mean it. If I don't get
married by the end of the week,
I lose my inheritance.
No one else will have
me. I'm desperate.
Oh, well, thanks.
That's just the kind of proposal
I've always dreamed of.
Hey, really?
No. Not really.
Nelson, the only
reason I'm here is... well,
Doc's asleep in my cabin
snoring his brains out, and...
And I'm exhausted.
I... I want to sleep.
Well... you can
stay in my cabin.
Oh, I wouldn't dream of
trying to get fresh with you.
Oh, thanks.
Gee, all these compliments
are gonna turn my head.
I've gotta find a wife.
Time is running out.
Oh, uh, good luck.
Remember, there's
always the want ads.
I hadn't thought of
that. The want ads.
( upbeat theme playing )
DEE DEE: Who is it?
It's Kurt, baby. Let me in.
Hi.
Hi.
( mysterious theme playing )
( door closes )
Good morning.
Uh, yes, it is. Isn't it?
I noticed you didn't
spend the night in your bed.
Oh. You noticed?
Did you have an
interesting night?
Well, since you asked,
it was... fantastic.
Was that Julie sneaking
in carrying her shoes?
Yeah.
I don't know if I like that.
Our Julie messing
with the passengers.
Me neither. We wouldn't
do a thing like that.
Who, us?
No way.
( tranquil theme playing )
Good morning.
Oh. Hm-hm.
Good morning.
Are you the lady
who serves coffee?
Absolutely not.
I'm the lady who
drinks champagne.
( giggles )
( clears throat ) Mm.
You, uh, sleep here all night?
Yeah.
Oh. Well...
I guess that makes us roommates.
We, uh... We slept together.
I mean... you
slept here too, huh?
Would you marry me?
I don't think so. Oh.
Besides, my religion
forbids marriage.
I'm an avowed
swinger. ( chuckles )
Well, if you married me, I...
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
I came on this ship for fun.
Not to find a husband. Heh-heh.
Dustin, George Scott, Truman...
They're cute, you know?
Sylvester, Marlon,
Al. Million laughs.
But I'm looking for
something a little different.
Marriage? Not that different.
( chuckles )
You really look rotten.
Why don't you get some sleep?
I can't. There's a
woman in my cabin.
Well, what are
you doing out here?
She turned me down.
Oh.
Well, why did you have
to leave your cabin?
Why couldn't she go to hers?
There's somebody
sleeping in her bathtub.
Oh. Uh, it's too confusing
for this early in the morning.
Ahem. Look, um, there's
no one in my cabin.
Why don't you get
some sleep, huh?
Okay? You're very
nice. Thank you.
Oh, by the way,
I'll go with you.
I've gotta get out
of these glad rags.
( chuckles ) You're very pretty.
Thank you. Very pretty.
Good morning, Gopher.
Good morning, Gopher.
Good morning. Morning.
Morning.
Boy, she sure starts early.
Anyway, that's it.
Look, I'm... I'm sorry I
called you an animal.
Hm.
Would you think
of me as a person?
Dee Dee, the big guy definitely
thinks of you as a person.
Do you love me?
Hey, is the Pope Catholic?
( chuckles )
Hey, you know... You know what?
When... When you
kicked out the doc,
he really must have
been sore, huh?
( laughs )
Well, no, actually, he's
very much a gentleman.
Oh, sure. I'll bet.
Hey, listen. How about
going back to our cabin
and really getting this
honeymoon underway, huh?
Oh, well, you know, it's, uh...
Ugh, not really a
honeymoon, is it?
Yeah? Well, why
wait till the last minute?
You know, somebody
may come in the door...
So what?
"So what?" Yeah.
So... What's the
matter with you?
What do you mean, "So what?"
You're some kind of a...
I'm...? I'm...? I'm a what?
A... Just get outta here.
Would you just get outta
here and leave me alone?
Go on!
You want "get out,"
You got "get out."
You... porker.
( door slams )
Boy. Sickos.
Get some sleep, handsome.
And when that girl
gets out of your cabin,
you can go back to your place.
Are you sure you won't marry me?
Positive. You're
only being polite
because I slept
with you last night.
( giggles )
Hm.
( giggles )
Oh.
( people chattering )
Ah, Miss Jermaine. Would
you like a cup of coffee?
No, thank you, Isaac.
How about a glass of champagne?
Oh, no, I never
drink on the job.
Oh, you... Heh, heh.
Mm.
Coming right up.
( sighs happily )
( sighs )
( phone rings )
Hello?
Yes. Miss Jermaine?
Okay. Just a minute,
please. Thank you.
Uh, Miss Jermaine. There's
a telephone call for you.
Oh. I'll plug you in.
Thank you, Isaac.
Hello, hello?
Oh, how are you, Liz, darling?
Oh, I'm wonderful.
Good grief. Elizabeth Taylor.
( laughs )
How are Charlie and Phil?
Oh, that's nice.
Does Annie like her new horse?
Charlie, Phil, Annie?
Queen Elizabeth?
Oh, well, it's just
lovely of you to call.
I... I'd love to come to supper
on Friday but I'm at sea.
It would be a
little inconvenient.
( laughing )
And there's a delicious
captain standing here,
devouring me with his eyes.
So, heh,
I better ring off now,
before he runs away again.
See you later, Liz.
Heh.
Why don't you come
sit here and talk to me,
you gorgeous captain, you.
Well... "captain," anyway.
( giggles )
No. "Gorgeous
captain." ( chuckles )
When are you gonna
give me a captain's tour
of this magnificent liner?
Well, anytime.
( light theme playing )
At your convenience.
No time like the present.
Shall we?
My honor.
Thank you. Hm-hm.
Miss Jermaine, your champagne.
Oh. Thank you.
Mm.
( sighs )
Thank you.
Everybody's getting in the act.
( upbeat theme playing )
MAN ( on PA ): Good day. For
those of you who wish to go ashore,
launches will be leaving
for Cabo San Lucas...
So long, honey.
From the Coral Deck gangway.
Uh, Julie.
I think you and I need
to have a little talk.
Oh? What about?
Can't you guess?
You spent last night
heaven knows where.
It pains me to see your
moral standards decline.
Well, that sounds to me, Doc,
like the pot calling
the kettle black.
I never claimed to have any
moral standards, but you...
Ha-ha! And then the
president stood up,
looked into my eyes
and said, "Again."
( both chuckle )
Of course, that wasn't
near as exciting as when, uh,
Neil Armstrong let me fly
one of his test planes. Mm.
I got it to Mach
3, and he told me
the plane had never
been flown that fast.
Of course, we couldn't
tell Lockheed I'd done it.
( chuckling ): Really.
Yeah.
You know, Ireni,
I like your style.
And I like yours, Merrill.
( chuckles )
Would you consider continuing
this stimulating
conversation in a quieter spot?
Well... my cabin has a
lovely view of the ocean.
Mm. Sounds stunning.
( whimsical theme playing )
( clears throat )
Yoo-hoo, Smith.
Hi, O'Rourke.
Well, you were right, Smith.
This ship is a
hotbed of hot beds.
What do you mean?
I never said that.
So far I got a jet-set
lady, a marriage-mad heir,
a red-headed kook, a guy
with muscles on his muscles,
and assorted
members of your crew.
Now, wait a minute.
I'm gonna nail 'em to the wall.
O'Rourke, now wait a minute.
You've got this all wrong.
If anything was going on
on this ship, I'd know about it.
Smith, I appreciate
what you've done for me,
and I'm going to mention
your name in my article.
See ya later.
O'Rourke, wait a...
O'Rourke!
( sighs )
( upbeat theme playing )
Oh, Merrill.
Yes? Heh.
How long have you been
in this business anyway?
Uh, not too long
to be tired of it yet.
( both chuckle )
Here we are.
( slinky theme playing )
Ah.
( giggles )
I forgot.
Don't frown, Merrill.
Who is he?
Oh, he? Oh. A
passenger, I think.
Oh, well, I just found
him on deck, uh,
this morning, fast asleep.
He had been
there all night. Heh.
Stowaway. Uh-uh.
Uh, a girl was in his
cabin and wouldn't get out,
so I just let him use mine.
Oh.
( chuckles )
You know, you're a
most gracious woman.
Perhaps, um... Perhaps
I can return the favor.
Huh?
Uh, I thought that maybe
I could persuade
you to... use my cabin.
Oh.
It wouldn't take any
persuasion at all. Hm.
Shall we? Mm-hm.
I wonder if Harold
Robbins started like this.
MAN ( over intercom ): Captain
Stubing to the Bridge, please.
Captain Stubing to the Bridge.
( exhales ) Well, duty calls.
May I see you tonight?
Of course.
But you'll have to
charm me all over again.
You won't have to charm me.
I'll stay charmed all day long.
( upbeat theme playing )
( slow jazz music
playing, people chattering )
So you see, I'm gonna be rich.
Now, would you please marry me?
Oh, Nelson, you're hysterical.
( laughs )
What am I gonna do?
Well, what seems
to be the problem?
Well... if I'm not
married within a week,
I lose my inheritance.
Throw yourself on
the mercy of the court.
Maybe one of the
jurors will marry you.
And you call yourself a doctor.
Would you care to dance?
I would love to.
What am I doing wrong?
( both laughing )
Oh, Merrill.
You're such a bad boy,
telling me a story like that,
but I loved it.
Are you, uh, charmed again?
Maybe after one more champagne.
Well, perhaps we
can have it in my cabin.
Then why stop at one?
You have to, you know,
um... Uh, get your trip together.
I have my space and...
For sure. You know, I have mine.
Oh, separate bedrooms.
I never thought of that.
No, that's not what I mean.
I... You know, I
mean, your, uh, space.
For sure. You know, your space.
Hey, baby.
Can we, uh, kinda
talk this over?
Buzz off, Kurt. You're
standing in my space.
( both laughing )
Feel it in the air, Smith?
What?
The calm before the storm.
These sex fiends are
gonna go berserk tonight.
I know it.
Want a drink, O'Rourke?
Sure. Beer, neat.
But be cool. Hate to be seen
boozing it up with a source.
That's me. Cool as all outdoors.
Smith... I like you.
You're one heck
of a guy, O'Rourke.
Nuts?
( sedate theme playing )
( Stubing chuckles )
( romantic theme playing )
Ah. Ha.
From the first time I
saw you on this ship,
I felt that you were a woman
who comes into a
man's life but once.
Mm. How eloquently stated.
Would you mind
terribly if I kissed you?
After such a glowing tribute,
I'd be... shattered
if you didn't.
( quietly ): Ireni.
( sighs )
Excuse me, lovely lady.
I'd like to, uh,
slip into something
more comfortable.
Oh.
( door closes )
Oh.
( gasps )
Ha...
( quietly ): Hello. Hello.
Could you please page
Ireni Jermaine
right away, please?
It's an emergency.
No, no, it can't wait.
You have to page Ireni
Jermaine right now, please. I...
( melancholy theme playing )
I don't understand. ( exhales )
I can't go through with it.
That's all there
is to understand.
You can't go through with what?
This whole silly fraud.
I'm not Ireni Jermaine.
I'm Irene. Irene Funston.
A widowed housewife
from Pacoima.
Oh.
I don't know what to say.
You're still a lovely lady...
filled with wit and grace.
Please. I...
don't wanna start
anything I can't finish.
( chuckles )
This cruise was
going to be the fantasy
to last me for
the rest of my life.
A memory I could look back on...
in the years to come, and...
you... You were gonna be a...
major part of my scrapbook.
( chuckles )
But... what I realize now is...
what I need isn't...
a shipboard fling...
but a man at home
I can cook for...
and clean for...
and iron shirts for.
I need what I used to have.
I'm sorry.
I can't be that man.
Whoever you are...
you're a magnificent woman.
Irene!
( sniffling )
( crying )
( crying )
Uh, are you all right?
I will be.
( gasps )
Why are you crying?
What are you talking about?
Big guys don't cry. ( sniffles )
Philip... my late
husband, he... Heh.
He was a big hulk like you.
He used to cry at
tire commercials.
( sobbing )
You're just saying that
to make me feel better.
Mm.
A real man shouldn't be
afraid to show his emotions.
Right now... you're
acting like a man.
( crying ): I am?
( crying ): Uh-huh.
Girl trouble, huh?
Yeah, I... I think
I've been jilted.
Who...? Who would
want to jilt you?
I mean, you're good-looking,
obviously sensitive.
Yeah, it's true.
See, you may not
believe this, but...
well, I have an ego problem.
Oh. Well...
sometimes people
have to tell the world
that they're the
greatest because...
nobody's telling them
they're the greatest.
Yeah?
Yeah.
You are the greatest.
( chuckles )
( crying )
( crying )
So I never really
learned to play basketball.
( sighs )
Can I buy you a drink?
I beg your pardon?
We've not been
properly introduced.
My name is Nelson Hoag.
I'll have a Scotch and water.
Could we have a Scotch
and water for the lady, please?
Okay, but last round.
Who's fighting?
( chortles )
I think we'll forget
about the drinks.
Lady, this guy won't forget
any drinks he's had tonight.
What's your name?
( clears throat ) Dee Dee.
"Dee Dee." That's
D period, D period,
or just Dee Dee?
Just Dee Dee.
You're D period, D period.
Dead drunk.
( snorts )
( giggles ) Shh.
Shh.
Nelson... do you own any horses?
No, I... I'm afraid
of large animals.
I have a rabbit.
His name is Benjamin.
Would you like
to see his picture?
Yes, I would.
Benjamin.
Adorable.
I have a full scrapbook
of pictures of
Benjamin in my cabin.
Would you like to see it?
Yes, I would. Mm.
( clears throat )
Oh! Oh, Benjamin, I'm sorry.
"Nelson."
This is Benjamin. I'm Nelson.
I'm sorry. All right...
Say, uh, what about the bill?
Oh, no, thank you.
( upbeat theme playing )
Dee Dee.
It's morning.
I brought you some breakfast.
Oh, Nelson. How thoughtful.
You don't mind serving a woman?
No, of course not. Why should I?
You'd do the same
for me, wouldn't you?
People should share.
I, uh...
I hope I didn't get
fresh with you last night.
( chuckles )
You passed out showing
me your rabbit album.
Real cute.
Yeah, he is, isn't he?
I mean you.
Sugar?
Yes, dear?
No, I need the sugar.
Oh. Right.
It's not as sweet as you are.
Heh.
Nelson...
will you marry me?
Huh?
I mean it.
You are the most
wonderful man I've ever met.
You're kind and considerate.
Please say you'll marry me.
"You'll marry me."
I... I mean, of
course I'll marry you.
Oh! Of course I will.
Oh! Oh.
Oh, honey.
They didn't have any honey.
No, I mean you.
( giggles )
Oh.
Nelson.
Could we have a June wedding?
Well, if I get married
before Friday,
I'll inherit $3 million.
Could we have the
reception in June?
( playful theme playing )
It happened. It happened!
What happened? I'm
looking for Dee Dee.
She's got the key to my cabin.
Doc! Doc, come in.
Something wonderful
is going to happen.
Come on, come on.
It happened!
It happened.
Julie, come in
here. It's terrific!
What?
Holy Toledo. A ménage à four.
Oh, you two, come on in.
We want you to join us.
Come on. Hey.
( chattering indistinctly )
Go on in. The more the merrier.
Hey! All right!
If the old Dodgers
drew this many people,
they'd still be in Brooklyn.
A party? At this hour?
Go in. They're all
your sicko friends.
Captain Stubing,
you're just in time.
You're the only thing
this party's missing.
Uh, Mr. Smith.
As long as you're out...
bring some champagne.
Yes, sir.
Hey, O'Rourke. You
want some champagne?
Sure.
I've got a lot to
celebrate, you know.
I'm gonna make
millions off this.
( clears throat )
( grunts )
You know what, O'Rourke?
Hm? I hate crowds.
What say we go to my
cabin and start our own party?
Hm.
I like the way you think, Smith.
( clicks tongue )
Well, Smith, how
about those Rams, huh?
( upbeat theme playing )
( horn blares )
Bye-bye. Goodbye.
So long. Bye-bye.
You will come to the
wedding, won't you?
Yes. As long as you promise
not to throw the bridal
bouquet in my direction.
Julie, I must thank you.
If you hadn't
turned me down, I...
I don't think I ever would
have found Dee Dee.
Well, I'm glad that everything
worked out well for you, Nelson.
Bye. Goodbye.
Bye-bye.
Bye. Bye.
Goodbye. So long.
Well... goodbye, Merrill.
It's not goodbye, Ireni.
It's hasta luego.
"Until we meet again."
Oh, it's... It's not
"Ireni." It's "Irene."
Irene.
You mean Julie
and Nelson didn't?
No.
And Julie and Doc didn't either?
Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Well, if they didn't, and
Ireni and Nelson didn't,
and Doc and Dee Dee didn't,
then the only ones
who did were...
Oh. Don't tell my editor.
Hey, not this guy.
I don't kiss and tell.
Smith, you are terrific.
O'Rourke, you're
still one heck of a guy.
Goodbye. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. So long.
Goodbye, everybody.
Goodbye. Bye-bye Bye. Ah.
Bye-bye, O'Rourke. Goodbye.
Okay, O'Rourke. Hm.
Well... I had an
interesting voyage.
Well, mine was unusual.
Mine was certainly
out of the ordinary.
Tsk. Mine was dull.
I didn't meet a single lady.
She was married.
Strange.
Well, I have a vaguely
unsatisfied feeling.
Rather like having eaten a
Chinese dinner an hour ago.
I have a distinctly
unsatisfied feeling.
Rather like having been denied
a Chinese dinner an hour ago.
And I have a totally
frustrating feeling.
Rather like not even knowing
what a Chinese dinner is.
I feel terrific.
( upbeat theme playing )
Love Boat" playing )
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing )
Hello, welcome aboard. Hello.
Welcome aboard.
Hi. Welcome aboard.
Hi, welcome aboard.
Kurt. Huh?
Wait. This stuff is heavy.
Ha-ha-ha. The
weaker sex. ( groans )
Oh, how do you do?
I'm Julie McCoy,
the weak little cruise director.
Hi, sugar.
I'm Kurt Stenzel,
and this is Dee Dee
Donnelly, my chick.
Huh. Your chick?
We're engaged.
Having ourselves a
little early honeymoon.
Right, sugar face,
huh? ( chuckles )
Oh, Kurt. Heh.
That's the finest
animal I've ever owned.
Come on, come on.
Let's go, huh?
I'm gonna break
every bone in his body.
Easy. You're on duty.
Welcome aboard.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Are you associated
with the cruise?
No. Somebody stole
my ice cream truck.
Ah. Sorry.
Ha-ha. No, I'm only kidding.
Oh. Oh, that was a funny.
( chuckles ) That was funny.
Yeah, I'm Adam
Bricker, the ship's doctor.
Nelson Hoag. Hi.
Are there gonna be a lot
of single girls on this cruise?
Well, we get our share.
Ah. Where do you keep them?
Is there any special
place they hang out?
Not really. If you
don't count my cabin.
Say, there's one of your
basic single girls right there.
Thank you. Excuse me.
( clears throat )
Hello. My name is Nelson Hoag.
Would you please marry me?
Don't be discouraged.
With a suave approach
like that, you can't miss.
Hi, welcome aboard.
Hello. Hey.
Oh, good heavens! Who died?
Uh, these are
for Ireni Jermaine.
Really?
Well, that's who all
these cablegrams are for.
Oh, yeah?
You know, one of 'em's
from Burt Reynolds.
He says he'll just kill himself
if she doesn't come home soon.
( chuckles )
Ireni Jermaine.
Promenade Deck 341.
Up the stairs.
( sighs ) Who is Ireni Jermaine?
( horn honks )
Ah. Now, remember to say
goodbye to the kids, okay?
Well, look, Irene...
Ah-ah. It's Ireni.
Oh, well, I'm your
sister. It's Irene.
Did you send the flowers?
Yes. And... And the cablegrams.
Do you know how much
all this is costing you?
Not including the
cruise and the clothes?
I know.
But how can I have my fling?
I wanna be somebody
for a change.
Well, you are somebody.
You're a housewife from Pacoima.
A widowed housewife
from Pacoima.
Oh, Philip will be
spinning in his grave.
My Philip spin? At
best a twitch or two.
Look. He was a wonderful
man, and I loved him dearly.
But that was a long time ago,
and right now, I... I wanna
meet someone glamorous.
And in order to meet
someone glamorous,
I gotta be someone glamorous.
Oh, sis.
Look, uh, I gotta go.
You just call me
five times a day
and, uh, make up
important names.
Love you.
How's about Catherine the Great?
( playful theme playing )
( mysterious theme playing )
( clears throat )
I'm O'Rourke. Who are you?
Smith. Call me Gopher.
Mm-hm.
Can I trust you?
Well, not if we were
out in the moonlight,
but here in the lobby...
I'm a reporter for
Defile magazine...
Oh.
- -traveling incognito
on this bucket of
lust to write a story
that will blow the lid off.
Well, there's nothing to
write about on this ship.
I didn't just fall off the
turnip truck, you know.
I know what's going on.
Musical cabins, wife-swapping,
organized hanky-panky.
You're wrong. I swear. Sure,
sure, sure, sure.
Look, just, uh...
keep your eyes
open for me, will you?
I'll be in touch.
Should be another
interesting cruise.
We got a full boat.
Uh, it's a ship.
And, yes, it
certainly should be.
Who is that tawny creature?
Dr. Bricker, that tawny
creature is off-limits to you.
You know her?
Not yet. But I will.
Oh, you must be Ireni Jermaine.
Quite.
Well, then, all of
these are for you.
Oh. Heh-heh. Welcome
to the Princess.
Captain Merrill Stubing
at your command.
How sweet. Ireni
Jermaine. ( chuckles )
I hope you get into your
cabin, Miss Jermaine.
There must be a ton
of flowers in there.
( chuckles )
Marlon. Hee-hee.
Jack and Warren too.
Oh, they're always
doing things like that.
It's sweet.
But it's a bit of a pain.
Oh, why don't
you distribute them
among the indigent passengers.
Bye-bye.
What a fascinating woman,
isn't she, Captain Stubing?
Captain Stubing?
Hm?
Oh. ( chuckles )
( horn blowing )
( all shouting )
Bye.
WOMAN: Goodbye.
( cheering )
( horn blowing )
( upbeat theme playing )
Hey, what's the matter?
Y-you mad at me or something?
"The finest animal I own."
I could have died.
W... Well, I meant
that as a compliment.
You are... You know,
you are a fine animal.
Do you think you own
me like one of your horses?
Hey, don't make any
cracks about my horses.
Hey, give the big guy a kiss.
No!
Come on. You
don't care about me.
To you, I'm just some chick.
No, you're not some
chick. You're my chick.
How about I am a person?
Okay. Okay. You're a person.
Now, shut up before I belt you.
Do you know what you are?
A male chauvinist pig.
Hey, hey. Hey.
You're damn right I am.
You know what the big guy is?
He is the Rock Island Line.
You wanna ride it, you
ride it like you find it.
You don't like it,
ptt, adios amigo.
Oh yeah? Well, ptt,
adios amigo yourself.
Get out of the cabin
and leave me alone!
Uh-uh-uh. I paid for the cabin.
You wanna be left alone?
There's the door, baby.
Uh-huh. I'll give you alone.
Ha-ha. I can do that real good.
And, uh, angel,
when you cool down,
why don't you come back?
I need a back rub, huh?
Oh, and bring me
some cigarettes.
( dramatic theme playing )
( upbeat theme playing )
Hello.
Oh. I'm, uh...
I'm Nelson Hoag.
Would you marry me?
Doesn't anyone wanna
play shuffleboard anymore?
( sighs )
Don't feel bad. She
didn't buy me line either.
It's not a line. I
have to get married.
Oh? It's the truth.
If I tell you why,
do you promise
not to tell anyone?
Not even the American
Medical Association.
Ah, word of honor.
Look, next week I'll be
25 years old. Mm-hm.
And according to
my grandfather's will,
if I'm not married by
then, I lose my inheritance.
Oh, I got you. Yeah.
But you just can't go
up to a girl and say,
"Will you marry me?"
You gotta strike
up a conversation,
you gotta get acquainted,
you gotta be... cool.
I'll try that. Thank you.
Hello. I'm Nelson Hoag.
Would...? Would you
like to get acquainted?
( whimpers, sobbing )
( sniffles )
Excuse me. Hm?
I'd like to talk to the
person in charge of cabins.
Well, that's me. Uh... Oh.
There some problem?
I have moved out of
my boyfriend's cabin,
and I would like a
cabin of my own, please.
Oh, ma'am. The ship is
booked to the gunwales.
There isn't a cabin
I can give you.
( whining ): Oh, no.
Oh, I can't go
crawling back to him.
That's exactly what
he wants me to do.
( sighs, sniffles )
He even said to
bring him cigarettes.
Uh, gee, I'm sorry, ma'am.
I just wish there was
something I could do.
Some teeny-weeny
little space someplace?
I could sleep on a sofa. Please?
Uh, let me see if I
can find us a sofa.
Just a tiny little spot.
I don't take up very
much room. I'm very quiet.
Now, now. ( sobbing )
I can't bear to see a
beautiful woman cry.
As it happens, I can help.
You can?
I'm Adam Bricker, and I have
a very, very large cabin.
I rattle around in
there all by myself.
( sighs )
Consider it yours.
Oh, really? BRICKER: Certainly.
After all, as the ship's doctor,
it's my job to make
people feel good.
( chuckles, sniffles )
Cabin C-117. (
repeats, silently )
The door's open.
Oh, thank you, Dr. Bricker.
Thank you very much. C-117.
Mm-hm. C-117. C-117.
C-117.
C-117.
If you think she's
grateful now...
( sighs ) wait till later.
( whimsical theme playing )
No hanky-panky on the ship, eh?
What are you doing
in there, O'Rourke?
Ha-ha. A good reporter is
always where the action is.
And on this ship, I think
I'll need roller skates.
All right, O'Rourke,
wait a minute.
Doc was just offering
that passenger
a place, uh, to sleep.
Oh, sure.
He's a regular Holiday Inn.
This article is gonna
make Hugh Hefner blush.
( playful theme playing )
( upbeat theme playing )
( light jazz music playing )
Here's to independence
and self-reliance.
Kurt just came in.
I'm afraid when he finds out
that I moved into your cabin...
Dee Dee, you're a
person with a free will.
You can make your own decisions.
( glasses clink )
( sighs )
Where have you
been all afternoon...?
Well, between 1
and 3 I was, um...
No, I mean her.
Well?
I have moved into
Dr. Bricker's cabin.
What?!
She said she, uh...
KURT: Hey, slugger,
I'd stay out of
this if I were you.
The lady happens to be with me.
Uh, funny, that's not
the impression I got.
( sighs )
Come on, Dee Dee, let's go.
Nope.
What do you mean?
I mean no.
Come on, will you?
DEE DEE: No, I won't.
And that is final.
For someone so young, you've
made a very mature decision.
Okay, Nelson, I gotta get
back and finish some work,
so I'm gonna leave you here.
Now, you just find a seat...
try to look debonair,
and the girls will come to you.
I like that one a lot.
Uh, no. That's Julie
McCoy, our cruise director.
She's not for
you. Is that clear?
Okay. Okay.
Good luck.
Hey, how you doing, pretty lady?
Fine until now.
Uh-huh, I like that. I like
a filly with temperament.
How about, uh, giving
a big guy a dance, huh?
Oh, hey, sorry, big guy,
but this filly hasn't
been halter-broke.
Besides, the gentleman
has this dance.
I do?
Sure. Sweep me off my feet.
Uh, I only know how to polka.
( muttering )
( clears throat )
Good evening, Miss Jermaine.
Oh. Good evening, captain.
Uh, Miss Jermaine,
telephone call.
Oh. Heh.
It's, um, Rudolf Nureyev.
Again?
( mouths ): One second.
Rude.
( chuckles )
Oh, you persistent
little peasant, you.
( chuckles )
Oh, uh, yes. Uh-huh.
Yes.
( mouths ): He talks so much.
Oh. Well, I miss you too. Ha-ha.
Oh, how can I forget the
night we tangoed together?
You spoiled me for
anyone else. Ha-ha.
( sighs )
Um...
Ahem. Could you hold
on for just a minute, Rudy?
Yes, captain?
Nothing.
Have a nice evening.
Oh.
So how's the ballet?
Goodbye, Rudy.
Anyway... I feel a lot better
about everything.
You know... you're
a very sweet guy
to let me sleep in your bed.
It's my pleasure.
Thank you.
( door opens )
I'm ready.
Gee, are you going out
in the corridor in that?
No. I wasn't planning to.
Oh.
Where are you going to sleep?
Well, I was planning...
That is... Heh.
I thought we could
both... Wha...?
Sleep here?
What kind of a girl
do you think I am?
But you... I didn't.
Didn't you...? No.
I thought... Not once.
( knock at door )
Excuse me.
( gasps )
Dee Dee, you get
out of that yo-yo's bed
and come back where you belong.
No, I'm staying.
Look, you get up
or so help me, I'll...
You'll what?
I'll knock your
block off, four-eyes.
Oh, my goodness!
( gasps ) Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean
for you to get hit.
Oh, I don't want you
to go away all hurt.
Help me. Oh. Ooh.
Oh, come to the
bathroom. Help me.
To the bed.
Oh. Oh, my good... Ooh.
Oh, now. Ooh.
Oh, my goodness. Oh.
Here, stuff this up your
nostril while you're leaving.
( upbeat theme playing )
I really enjoyed
the band tonight.
I thought they were exceptional.
Me too. Yeah?
Me too.
Well... here we are at my cabin.
I had fun dancing with you.
You're a nice person.
You're not so bad yourself.
You really think so?
I mean, I'm not so bad?
Mm-mm.
I'll even go further than that.
You're a very nice man, Nelson.
You just need a
little more confidence.
If you want something, get it.
You mean it?
Mm-hm.
Well, there is
something I'd like,
if you wouldn't mind.
Sure.
Good night, Julie.
( melancholy theme playing )
Isaac. Isaac. Yeah.
Will you do an old pal a favor?
Sure, anything. Just name it.
Can I bunk with you?
Name another.
ISAAC: Come on, Doc. Now,
what happened to Goldilocks?
Well, she ate my
porridge, broke my chair,
and now she's asleep in may bed.
ISAAC: She give
you that beat-up nose?
Huh? Oh, no. That's, uh...
That's just advancing age.
You see, after 40, the
muscle in your head
turns to fat and drops.
Doc... I'd like to help you,
but, uh, I got this cutie
up in the Starlight Bar,
and I thought I'd kinda...
Say no more. Thanks anyway.
Good, Doc. You're a sport.
( dramatic theme playing
) ( knocking at door )
Gopher? You in there? Gopher?
Oh, nuts.
Doc.
Uh... can I come in?
Sure.
Psst.
What are you in for, O'Rourke?
Just the man I want to see.
Who's in C-125?
Julie McCoy, cruise director.
Oh, boy. This is
really disgusting stuff.
I love it.
Ow. Julie. Gee. Well,
it serves you right,
for being so lecherous.
All right, look, Julie,
no lectures, please?
It's been a very
difficult evening.
I just want to find
a place to sleep.
Well, you happen to be sitting
on the only place to sleep.
As you may have noticed,
it's a single bed, Doc.
A very small single bed.
All right, don't worry. I
won't invade the purity
of your single bed.
I'll sleep in the bathtub.
Oh, Doc... could I
ask you a question?
I mean, just purely
as a matter of interest.
How will I sleep in the bathtub?
I haven't figured that out yet.
No, um...
Well, heh, here we are,
two passably
attractive human beings
of the opposite sex.
Uh, one of us a known lecher.
You, a lecher?
I never suspected.
I'm serious.
Why haven't you
made... an overture? Heh.
Julie! That'd be like making
a pass at my own kid sister.
You know, you've done something
that I didn't think
was possible.
You've shocked me.
Good night.
Well, I'm sorry if
the idea offends you!
Um, I wasn't actually
suggesting anything. I, uh...
I just thought
that... Oh, forget it.
( whines )
After I close up, how
about you and me
taking a tour of the ship?
( piano playing )
Mm. I just love the
way you communicate.
Mmm.
Isaac, would you pour
me a drink, please?
Whatever's closest.
In a minute.
Another rejection.
You can have mine.
Thanks.
Oh, Nelson. I thought you were
all locked up for the evening.
I'm sorry about what happened.
I'd like to make it up to you.
You would?
Would you like to buy me
a bottle of Irish whiskey?
Whole bottle?
Sure. We can
finish it at your place.
My place is in Santa Monica.
Your cabin, Nelson.
Put this on my bill.
( whimsical theme playing )
( yawning ): Thank you.
Oh, Nelson, peel me a grape.
I beg your pardon?
Would you fix me
a drink, please?
Oh. Oh, of course.
Mm. Good.
Can I ask you a
simple question first?
Sure.
Will you marry me?
Nelson, the question
isn't simple. You are.
I mean it. If I don't get
married by the end of the week,
I lose my inheritance.
No one else will have
me. I'm desperate.
Oh, well, thanks.
That's just the kind of proposal
I've always dreamed of.
Hey, really?
No. Not really.
Nelson, the only
reason I'm here is... well,
Doc's asleep in my cabin
snoring his brains out, and...
And I'm exhausted.
I... I want to sleep.
Well... you can
stay in my cabin.
Oh, I wouldn't dream of
trying to get fresh with you.
Oh, thanks.
Gee, all these compliments
are gonna turn my head.
I've gotta find a wife.
Time is running out.
Oh, uh, good luck.
Remember, there's
always the want ads.
I hadn't thought of
that. The want ads.
( upbeat theme playing )
DEE DEE: Who is it?
It's Kurt, baby. Let me in.
Hi.
Hi.
( mysterious theme playing )
( door closes )
Good morning.
Uh, yes, it is. Isn't it?
I noticed you didn't
spend the night in your bed.
Oh. You noticed?
Did you have an
interesting night?
Well, since you asked,
it was... fantastic.
Was that Julie sneaking
in carrying her shoes?
Yeah.
I don't know if I like that.
Our Julie messing
with the passengers.
Me neither. We wouldn't
do a thing like that.
Who, us?
No way.
( tranquil theme playing )
Good morning.
Oh. Hm-hm.
Good morning.
Are you the lady
who serves coffee?
Absolutely not.
I'm the lady who
drinks champagne.
( giggles )
( clears throat ) Mm.
You, uh, sleep here all night?
Yeah.
Oh. Well...
I guess that makes us roommates.
We, uh... We slept together.
I mean... you
slept here too, huh?
Would you marry me?
I don't think so. Oh.
Besides, my religion
forbids marriage.
I'm an avowed
swinger. ( chuckles )
Well, if you married me, I...
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
I came on this ship for fun.
Not to find a husband. Heh-heh.
Dustin, George Scott, Truman...
They're cute, you know?
Sylvester, Marlon,
Al. Million laughs.
But I'm looking for
something a little different.
Marriage? Not that different.
( chuckles )
You really look rotten.
Why don't you get some sleep?
I can't. There's a
woman in my cabin.
Well, what are
you doing out here?
She turned me down.
Oh.
Well, why did you have
to leave your cabin?
Why couldn't she go to hers?
There's somebody
sleeping in her bathtub.
Oh. Uh, it's too confusing
for this early in the morning.
Ahem. Look, um, there's
no one in my cabin.
Why don't you get
some sleep, huh?
Okay? You're very
nice. Thank you.
Oh, by the way,
I'll go with you.
I've gotta get out
of these glad rags.
( chuckles ) You're very pretty.
Thank you. Very pretty.
Good morning, Gopher.
Good morning, Gopher.
Good morning. Morning.
Morning.
Boy, she sure starts early.
Anyway, that's it.
Look, I'm... I'm sorry I
called you an animal.
Hm.
Would you think
of me as a person?
Dee Dee, the big guy definitely
thinks of you as a person.
Do you love me?
Hey, is the Pope Catholic?
( chuckles )
Hey, you know... You know what?
When... When you
kicked out the doc,
he really must have
been sore, huh?
( laughs )
Well, no, actually, he's
very much a gentleman.
Oh, sure. I'll bet.
Hey, listen. How about
going back to our cabin
and really getting this
honeymoon underway, huh?
Oh, well, you know, it's, uh...
Ugh, not really a
honeymoon, is it?
Yeah? Well, why
wait till the last minute?
You know, somebody
may come in the door...
So what?
"So what?" Yeah.
So... What's the
matter with you?
What do you mean, "So what?"
You're some kind of a...
I'm...? I'm...? I'm a what?
A... Just get outta here.
Would you just get outta
here and leave me alone?
Go on!
You want "get out,"
You got "get out."
You... porker.
( door slams )
Boy. Sickos.
Get some sleep, handsome.
And when that girl
gets out of your cabin,
you can go back to your place.
Are you sure you won't marry me?
Positive. You're
only being polite
because I slept
with you last night.
( giggles )
Hm.
( giggles )
Oh.
( people chattering )
Ah, Miss Jermaine. Would
you like a cup of coffee?
No, thank you, Isaac.
How about a glass of champagne?
Oh, no, I never
drink on the job.
Oh, you... Heh, heh.
Mm.
Coming right up.
( sighs happily )
( sighs )
( phone rings )
Hello?
Yes. Miss Jermaine?
Okay. Just a minute,
please. Thank you.
Uh, Miss Jermaine. There's
a telephone call for you.
Oh. I'll plug you in.
Thank you, Isaac.
Hello, hello?
Oh, how are you, Liz, darling?
Oh, I'm wonderful.
Good grief. Elizabeth Taylor.
( laughs )
How are Charlie and Phil?
Oh, that's nice.
Does Annie like her new horse?
Charlie, Phil, Annie?
Queen Elizabeth?
Oh, well, it's just
lovely of you to call.
I... I'd love to come to supper
on Friday but I'm at sea.
It would be a
little inconvenient.
( laughing )
And there's a delicious
captain standing here,
devouring me with his eyes.
So, heh,
I better ring off now,
before he runs away again.
See you later, Liz.
Heh.
Why don't you come
sit here and talk to me,
you gorgeous captain, you.
Well... "captain," anyway.
( giggles )
No. "Gorgeous
captain." ( chuckles )
When are you gonna
give me a captain's tour
of this magnificent liner?
Well, anytime.
( light theme playing )
At your convenience.
No time like the present.
Shall we?
My honor.
Thank you. Hm-hm.
Miss Jermaine, your champagne.
Oh. Thank you.
Mm.
( sighs )
Thank you.
Everybody's getting in the act.
( upbeat theme playing )
MAN ( on PA ): Good day. For
those of you who wish to go ashore,
launches will be leaving
for Cabo San Lucas...
So long, honey.
From the Coral Deck gangway.
Uh, Julie.
I think you and I need
to have a little talk.
Oh? What about?
Can't you guess?
You spent last night
heaven knows where.
It pains me to see your
moral standards decline.
Well, that sounds to me, Doc,
like the pot calling
the kettle black.
I never claimed to have any
moral standards, but you...
Ha-ha! And then the
president stood up,
looked into my eyes
and said, "Again."
( both chuckle )
Of course, that wasn't
near as exciting as when, uh,
Neil Armstrong let me fly
one of his test planes. Mm.
I got it to Mach
3, and he told me
the plane had never
been flown that fast.
Of course, we couldn't
tell Lockheed I'd done it.
( chuckling ): Really.
Yeah.
You know, Ireni,
I like your style.
And I like yours, Merrill.
( chuckles )
Would you consider continuing
this stimulating
conversation in a quieter spot?
Well... my cabin has a
lovely view of the ocean.
Mm. Sounds stunning.
( whimsical theme playing )
( clears throat )
Yoo-hoo, Smith.
Hi, O'Rourke.
Well, you were right, Smith.
This ship is a
hotbed of hot beds.
What do you mean?
I never said that.
So far I got a jet-set
lady, a marriage-mad heir,
a red-headed kook, a guy
with muscles on his muscles,
and assorted
members of your crew.
Now, wait a minute.
I'm gonna nail 'em to the wall.
O'Rourke, now wait a minute.
You've got this all wrong.
If anything was going on
on this ship, I'd know about it.
Smith, I appreciate
what you've done for me,
and I'm going to mention
your name in my article.
See ya later.
O'Rourke, wait a...
O'Rourke!
( sighs )
( upbeat theme playing )
Oh, Merrill.
Yes? Heh.
How long have you been
in this business anyway?
Uh, not too long
to be tired of it yet.
( both chuckle )
Here we are.
( slinky theme playing )
Ah.
( giggles )
I forgot.
Don't frown, Merrill.
Who is he?
Oh, he? Oh. A
passenger, I think.
Oh, well, I just found
him on deck, uh,
this morning, fast asleep.
He had been
there all night. Heh.
Stowaway. Uh-uh.
Uh, a girl was in his
cabin and wouldn't get out,
so I just let him use mine.
Oh.
( chuckles )
You know, you're a
most gracious woman.
Perhaps, um... Perhaps
I can return the favor.
Huh?
Uh, I thought that maybe
I could persuade
you to... use my cabin.
Oh.
It wouldn't take any
persuasion at all. Hm.
Shall we? Mm-hm.
I wonder if Harold
Robbins started like this.
MAN ( over intercom ): Captain
Stubing to the Bridge, please.
Captain Stubing to the Bridge.
( exhales ) Well, duty calls.
May I see you tonight?
Of course.
But you'll have to
charm me all over again.
You won't have to charm me.
I'll stay charmed all day long.
( upbeat theme playing )
( slow jazz music
playing, people chattering )
So you see, I'm gonna be rich.
Now, would you please marry me?
Oh, Nelson, you're hysterical.
( laughs )
What am I gonna do?
Well, what seems
to be the problem?
Well... if I'm not
married within a week,
I lose my inheritance.
Throw yourself on
the mercy of the court.
Maybe one of the
jurors will marry you.
And you call yourself a doctor.
Would you care to dance?
I would love to.
What am I doing wrong?
( both laughing )
Oh, Merrill.
You're such a bad boy,
telling me a story like that,
but I loved it.
Are you, uh, charmed again?
Maybe after one more champagne.
Well, perhaps we
can have it in my cabin.
Then why stop at one?
You have to, you know,
um... Uh, get your trip together.
I have my space and...
For sure. You know, I have mine.
Oh, separate bedrooms.
I never thought of that.
No, that's not what I mean.
I... You know, I
mean, your, uh, space.
For sure. You know, your space.
Hey, baby.
Can we, uh, kinda
talk this over?
Buzz off, Kurt. You're
standing in my space.
( both laughing )
Feel it in the air, Smith?
What?
The calm before the storm.
These sex fiends are
gonna go berserk tonight.
I know it.
Want a drink, O'Rourke?
Sure. Beer, neat.
But be cool. Hate to be seen
boozing it up with a source.
That's me. Cool as all outdoors.
Smith... I like you.
You're one heck
of a guy, O'Rourke.
Nuts?
( sedate theme playing )
( Stubing chuckles )
( romantic theme playing )
Ah. Ha.
From the first time I
saw you on this ship,
I felt that you were a woman
who comes into a
man's life but once.
Mm. How eloquently stated.
Would you mind
terribly if I kissed you?
After such a glowing tribute,
I'd be... shattered
if you didn't.
( quietly ): Ireni.
( sighs )
Excuse me, lovely lady.
I'd like to, uh,
slip into something
more comfortable.
Oh.
( door closes )
Oh.
( gasps )
Ha...
( quietly ): Hello. Hello.
Could you please page
Ireni Jermaine
right away, please?
It's an emergency.
No, no, it can't wait.
You have to page Ireni
Jermaine right now, please. I...
( melancholy theme playing )
I don't understand. ( exhales )
I can't go through with it.
That's all there
is to understand.
You can't go through with what?
This whole silly fraud.
I'm not Ireni Jermaine.
I'm Irene. Irene Funston.
A widowed housewife
from Pacoima.
Oh.
I don't know what to say.
You're still a lovely lady...
filled with wit and grace.
Please. I...
don't wanna start
anything I can't finish.
( chuckles )
This cruise was
going to be the fantasy
to last me for
the rest of my life.
A memory I could look back on...
in the years to come, and...
you... You were gonna be a...
major part of my scrapbook.
( chuckles )
But... what I realize now is...
what I need isn't...
a shipboard fling...
but a man at home
I can cook for...
and clean for...
and iron shirts for.
I need what I used to have.
I'm sorry.
I can't be that man.
Whoever you are...
you're a magnificent woman.
Irene!
( sniffling )
( crying )
( crying )
Uh, are you all right?
I will be.
( gasps )
Why are you crying?
What are you talking about?
Big guys don't cry. ( sniffles )
Philip... my late
husband, he... Heh.
He was a big hulk like you.
He used to cry at
tire commercials.
( sobbing )
You're just saying that
to make me feel better.
Mm.
A real man shouldn't be
afraid to show his emotions.
Right now... you're
acting like a man.
( crying ): I am?
( crying ): Uh-huh.
Girl trouble, huh?
Yeah, I... I think
I've been jilted.
Who...? Who would
want to jilt you?
I mean, you're good-looking,
obviously sensitive.
Yeah, it's true.
See, you may not
believe this, but...
well, I have an ego problem.
Oh. Well...
sometimes people
have to tell the world
that they're the
greatest because...
nobody's telling them
they're the greatest.
Yeah?
Yeah.
You are the greatest.
( chuckles )
( crying )
( crying )
So I never really
learned to play basketball.
( sighs )
Can I buy you a drink?
I beg your pardon?
We've not been
properly introduced.
My name is Nelson Hoag.
I'll have a Scotch and water.
Could we have a Scotch
and water for the lady, please?
Okay, but last round.
Who's fighting?
( chortles )
I think we'll forget
about the drinks.
Lady, this guy won't forget
any drinks he's had tonight.
What's your name?
( clears throat ) Dee Dee.
"Dee Dee." That's
D period, D period,
or just Dee Dee?
Just Dee Dee.
You're D period, D period.
Dead drunk.
( snorts )
( giggles ) Shh.
Shh.
Nelson... do you own any horses?
No, I... I'm afraid
of large animals.
I have a rabbit.
His name is Benjamin.
Would you like
to see his picture?
Yes, I would.
Benjamin.
Adorable.
I have a full scrapbook
of pictures of
Benjamin in my cabin.
Would you like to see it?
Yes, I would. Mm.
( clears throat )
Oh! Oh, Benjamin, I'm sorry.
"Nelson."
This is Benjamin. I'm Nelson.
I'm sorry. All right...
Say, uh, what about the bill?
Oh, no, thank you.
( upbeat theme playing )
Dee Dee.
It's morning.
I brought you some breakfast.
Oh, Nelson. How thoughtful.
You don't mind serving a woman?
No, of course not. Why should I?
You'd do the same
for me, wouldn't you?
People should share.
I, uh...
I hope I didn't get
fresh with you last night.
( chuckles )
You passed out showing
me your rabbit album.
Real cute.
Yeah, he is, isn't he?
I mean you.
Sugar?
Yes, dear?
No, I need the sugar.
Oh. Right.
It's not as sweet as you are.
Heh.
Nelson...
will you marry me?
Huh?
I mean it.
You are the most
wonderful man I've ever met.
You're kind and considerate.
Please say you'll marry me.
"You'll marry me."
I... I mean, of
course I'll marry you.
Oh! Of course I will.
Oh! Oh.
Oh, honey.
They didn't have any honey.
No, I mean you.
( giggles )
Oh.
Nelson.
Could we have a June wedding?
Well, if I get married
before Friday,
I'll inherit $3 million.
Could we have the
reception in June?
( playful theme playing )
It happened. It happened!
What happened? I'm
looking for Dee Dee.
She's got the key to my cabin.
Doc! Doc, come in.
Something wonderful
is going to happen.
Come on, come on.
It happened!
It happened.
Julie, come in
here. It's terrific!
What?
Holy Toledo. A ménage à four.
Oh, you two, come on in.
We want you to join us.
Come on. Hey.
( chattering indistinctly )
Go on in. The more the merrier.
Hey! All right!
If the old Dodgers
drew this many people,
they'd still be in Brooklyn.
A party? At this hour?
Go in. They're all
your sicko friends.
Captain Stubing,
you're just in time.
You're the only thing
this party's missing.
Uh, Mr. Smith.
As long as you're out...
bring some champagne.
Yes, sir.
Hey, O'Rourke. You
want some champagne?
Sure.
I've got a lot to
celebrate, you know.
I'm gonna make
millions off this.
( clears throat )
( grunts )
You know what, O'Rourke?
Hm? I hate crowds.
What say we go to my
cabin and start our own party?
Hm.
I like the way you think, Smith.
( clicks tongue )
Well, Smith, how
about those Rams, huh?
( upbeat theme playing )
( horn blares )
Bye-bye. Goodbye.
So long. Bye-bye.
You will come to the
wedding, won't you?
Yes. As long as you promise
not to throw the bridal
bouquet in my direction.
Julie, I must thank you.
If you hadn't
turned me down, I...
I don't think I ever would
have found Dee Dee.
Well, I'm glad that everything
worked out well for you, Nelson.
Bye. Goodbye.
Bye-bye.
Bye. Bye.
Goodbye. So long.
Well... goodbye, Merrill.
It's not goodbye, Ireni.
It's hasta luego.
"Until we meet again."
Oh, it's... It's not
"Ireni." It's "Irene."
Irene.
You mean Julie
and Nelson didn't?
No.
And Julie and Doc didn't either?
Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Well, if they didn't, and
Ireni and Nelson didn't,
and Doc and Dee Dee didn't,
then the only ones
who did were...
Oh. Don't tell my editor.
Hey, not this guy.
I don't kiss and tell.
Smith, you are terrific.
O'Rourke, you're
still one heck of a guy.
Goodbye. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. So long.
Goodbye, everybody.
Goodbye. Bye-bye Bye. Ah.
Bye-bye, O'Rourke. Goodbye.
Okay, O'Rourke. Hm.
Well... I had an
interesting voyage.
Well, mine was unusual.
Mine was certainly
out of the ordinary.
Tsk. Mine was dull.
I didn't meet a single lady.
She was married.
Strange.
Well, I have a vaguely
unsatisfied feeling.
Rather like having eaten a
Chinese dinner an hour ago.
I have a distinctly
unsatisfied feeling.
Rather like having been denied
a Chinese dinner an hour ago.
And I have a totally
frustrating feeling.
Rather like not even knowing
what a Chinese dinner is.
I feel terrific.
( upbeat theme playing )