The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 21 - Taking Sides/Going by the Book/A Friendly Little Game - full transcript
( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing )
Thanks for bringing
me down, Bernie.
I really appreciate it.
Howie, what are friends for?
Just promise me one
thing. What's that?
You spent a lot of money
on a cruise, don't blow it.
Get some of the action.
Oh, Bernie, I'm not like you.
I... I can't come on to
girls the way you do.
Yeah, with women
I'm a verbal clod.
Hm, true. That's
why I bought you this.
HOWIE: "How to Hit on Girls"?
Believe me, it's
not about karate.
No, this isn't
gonna work, Bernie.
Oh, yeah? What
do you say to a girl
when you first meet her?
I say, uh, "My name's Howard.
What's yours?" Terrific.
With a line like that, you
could become a monk.
Listen.
"Excuse me, I don't
mean to be forward,
but, uh, are you a
professional model?"
( laughing ): No, Bernie.
Oh, go on. Laugh if you
wanna, but this stuff is dynamite.
You're gonna score so
much, Burt Reynolds is gonna
be calling you for pointers.
Bernie, I... I don't
want to score.
I just want to meet a nice girl.
Okay. Does she look
like a nice girl to you?
Yeah.
Watch.
You watching?
Uh, excuse me. Excuse me.
Uh, I don't mean to be forward,
but, uh, are you a
professional model?
Why, yes. How did you know?
Oh, I just, uh... I...
I thought you were.
Would you like a lift somewhere?
Could I drop you someplace?
Sure.
( upbeat theme playing )
Well, hello. Welcome aboard.
Hi.
We're Mr. and Mrs. Desmond.
Oh, newlyweds.
Oh, no. We've been
married five hours.
Oh, well, then,
happy anniversary.
Thank you. Which way
to the Promenade Deck?
Through this door
and up the stairs.
Have a great honeymoon.
Oh, you can bet on it.
Oh... Ooh. Ah.
WOMAN: Max, will you kindly
not make a scene here?
Gladys, this is ridiculous.
We're stuck on a ship for
a week with 600 strangers.
We could have been in Rome.
We've been there three times.
I am bored with Rome.
Bored with Rome?
Fifteen years ago we
were happy to have a nail
to hang your bathing suit on
in the bathhouse
at Coney Island.
I hope we're never like that.
No way. I don't even know
where Coney Island is.
Hi. Hello. Welcome aboard.
Hello, I'm Wendel
Snead. This is my wife, Ida.
Well, how do you do?
We're in C-120.
That's on the Coral Deck.
Coral Deck. Sounds so exotic.
You can take the
elevator in the lobby.
Thank you. JULIE: Mm-hm.
Oh, uh, when we get
to Cabo San Lucas,
do you think our grandchildren
could come onboard
and look around?
Oh, yes, of course.
I'd love to give them a tour.
Oh, Wendel.
I wonder what they look like.
You see, our daughter's
been living in Mexico
for the past ten years.
We've never seen
our grandchildren.
I can't wait to meet them.
I bet they can't wait
to meet you either.
( both laugh ) Bye-bye.
Hello.
Wendel, this is so luxurious.
It must be costing a fortune.
Wouldn't it be cheaper to fly?
Now, Ida, you know
what the doctor said.
No flying for you.
But how can we afford it?
I knew there was
something I forgot to tell you.
I won the Irish Sweepstakes.
( laughs ) Isaac!
It's contribution time again.
I need your $10 for the
crew emergency fund.
ISAAC: Catch me
later. GOPHER: Isaac!
Listen, Gopher, I
can't skip out on you.
I'm not that good a swimmer.
And by the way, how much
money you got in the box?
Six hundred and
thirty-five dollars.
ISAAC: In that case,
you give me 10 bucks,
which you owe me, by the way,
from our last gin rummy game.
Catch me later.
Uh, excuse me.
Did I hear you say
you play gin rummy?
Oh, well, sir, some of us
play and some of us win.
I love gin.
Maybe we'll get
together later on.
Well, that depends.
You a player or a winner?
Wendel, you're
terrible at cards.
What better place to practice?
( chuckles ) My place or yours?
( laughs )
Now, rest assured, Herb, we'll
take good care of your daughter.
I appreciate it, Merrill,
but Sheila's different.
Yeah, she... She's an innocent.
She's never
vacationed alone before.
Now, don't worry. I've
assigned Dr. Bricker here
to look after her.
You can count on
me, Mr. Lawrence.
Thank you. ( tumbling )
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Please forgive me.
HERB: Sheila, darling.
STUBING: Are you all right?
You've got to watch yourself.
It was an accident, Daddy.
I think I could look after her.
Now, you didn't
forget to tip the cabby
and... And did you
pack your vitamins?
And be careful of what you
eat. And don't drink the water.
Daddy! I can take
care of myself.
Tell him, captain.
Uh, yes. Yes, of course.
Be careful of who you talk to.
There are a lot of
weird guys on a ship.
Daddy... You see,
she doesn't date much.
Daddy, really.
Well, have a good
time, sweetheart.
It'll be a slice of heaven.
All right, Herb. Let's go.
Now, come on, there's
nothing to worry about now.
Dr. Bricker is the
best man I have.
He'll treat your... Treat
your daughter just like...
( romantic theme playing )
I don't mean to be forward,
but are you a
professional model?
I used to be, but
now I'm a doctor.
( foghorn blowing )
( all shouting indistinctly )
( upbeat theme playing )
I haven't seen you wear
that since our wedding,
38 years ago.
You don't think it's out of
style for a cruise, do you?
Not if the cruise
is 38 years ago.
( both laugh )
I guess you're right.
You're having a
good time, aren't you?
Oh, yes, Wendel. Thank you.
You deserve it, Ida.
But, dear, how did
you afford all this?
I told you not
to worry about it.
Well, I will worry
about it, unless I know.
Well, I...
I took out a small
mortgage on the house.
You took out a mortgage?
How will we pay it back?
Ida, I know where
to get the money.
But we only have our pension.
We could lose our home.
Ida, haven't I always
managed to provide for us?
I know we haven't
lived like kings...
I'm sorry, Wendel.
I trust you.
I know everything
will be all right.
Well, then, give us a smile.
You're here to enjoy
yourself, remember?
That's better.
JULIE ( over PA ): Good
afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Julie McCoy,
your cruise director.
Our first session of
jackpot bingo will be starting
in just 15 minutes in
the Acapulco Lounge.
How about that?
As I recall, you were always
the prettiest and the best
bingo player at
every church social.
Were?
Well, you're
still the prettiest.
And I'm still the best.
Then hop to it.
( giggles )
Aren't you coming with me?
I'm not as pretty
as I used to be.
And I want to see if I can
remember how to play gin rummy.
I'll see you later. Okay.
I love you. I love you.
( dramatic theme playing )
Nine of hearts.
Jack of clubs.
Ida, forgive me.
( upbeat theme playing )
Hello. Mr. and Mrs. Watkins,
I'd like you to meet
the Desmonds.
Uh, the Desmonds are newlyweds.
Oh. Never would have guessed.
Enjoy your dinner.
Thank you. Oh, hi, uh,
we're the Desmonds.
My wife, Ellen. I'm Scott.
I'm Gladys Watkins...
and this is my husband,
Max. I'm, uh, Max.
Thank you, dear.
You're welcome.
When were you married?
This morning.
Oh.
And you're still
talking to each other.
We've been married 25 years.
Oh.
Yeah, in some states,
you get less for murder.
Max.
Now, I suggest either the
Pollo à la Cacciatore Con Fungi,
or a nice New
England boiled dinner.
Both very good. Oh.
This looks sort of
fascinating, doesn't it?
Oh, sir, um,
I'd like you to meet
Mr. and Mrs. Wendel Snead.
This is Captain Stubing.
How do you do? How do you do?
Hello.
May I compliment you
on your wonderful crew?
Why, thank you.
IDA: I must say, Miss McCoy
calls a mean game of bingo.
WENDEL: And Gopher's a
mighty mean gin rummy player.
He took me for a
$1.27 this afternoon.
I hope you let me get
even with you tonight.
Uh, I warn you, I hear that
Gopher is a pretty good player.
( clears throat ) You know, uh,
I might just get lucky myself.
( chuckles )
BRICKER: Sheila,
you're looking for trouble.
Really, doctor, I can
take care of myself.
As long as neatness
doesn't count.
Look, let me lay it out for you.
That guy at that table
is nothing but a
cruise-ship cowboy
looking to add another
notch to his life preserver.
He only wants
one thing from you.
He'll take your
heart and rip it apart.
And then he'll stomp
on it and squish it
and turn it into hamburger meat.
And then he'll leave
you on the dock
crying for your mother,
and then you know what he'll do?
He'll just go off and
look for somebody else.
Think you could introduce me?
Good evening, Miss Lawrence.
Uh, are you okay?
Would you like something?
Well...
Uh, captain, may I
have a word with you?
Certainly.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hello again.
Captain, I have a horrible
confession to make.
I'm a lousy chaperone.
Maybe a little
practice will help.
Oh, no.
( sighs )
I... I'm not trying
to pick you up.
I think I'm in love with you.
That's not love. Those
are hunger pangs.
Go eat your dinner.
( upbeat theme playing )
BRICKER: Isn't it beautiful?
So calm, yet dark
and mysterious.
I just love the sea at night.
Why? You can't see anything.
Doesn't it make you
feel insignificant?
The enormity of it all.
I can't see it.
Please make a note to
send the champagne and fruit
to the Promenade suite.
Uh, pardon me. Yes?
I hate to be a bother, but is
there a doctor on the ship?
Well, yes, of course.
What's the problem?
A stomachache. Must
have been something I ate.
Oh. Probably at home.
Not here. Here,
the food's delicious.
Well, I tell you what.
Why don't you go to
your cabin and lie down,
and I'll send the doctor to you.
Thank you. Excuse me.
Your cabin number.
Oh. Uh, Aloha 358.
Got it. Thanks.
A grown woman with a chaperone.
It's ridiculous.
Well, it could have been worse.
How?
Thank you.
Oh, Doc.
Hi, Sheila. Hi.
Uh, I should have known I'd
find you two in the moonlight.
Doc, there's a fellow in
Aloha 358 with a stomachache.
Okay?
Sorry. I gotta play doctor.
Come on. I'll take
you to your cabin.
I think I'll just stay
here a little while.
BRICKER: I won't be long.
Enjoy the moonlight without me.
I love the...
I love the way
your moon refle...
I love the way your eyes
reflect the shimmering moonlight
on the rippling water.
Oh, Howard.
MAN: Just a minute.
Yeah? Hi, I'm Dr. Bricker.
How...? How you
doing? Fine, thanks.
Can I help?
No, I seem to be doing
just great by myself.
But if I run into anything
that I can't handle,
I'll be sure to give you a call.
( humorous theme playing )
"My words are merely
the thumping of my heart
put into language."
Oh, Howard, you have the
most romantic way of speaking.
See you tomorrow.
Did the moonlight
suffer without me?
It was the best
moonlight I've ever seen.
( coughs )
Oh, ho-ho-ho, wow.
Like it?
Like it? I love it.
Take it off.
Well, what do you say
we get some sleep?
I want to get up early. I hear
there's a shuffleboard contest
tomorrow. Oh, golly,
we don't want to miss that.
Oh, darling, we're so
lucky to have each other.
Yeah.
Not like that couple
in the dining room.
I mean, here we are
in each other's arms
and right now they're
probably at each other's throats.
Well, let's not think about
them and their silly fighting.
I have other things on my mind.
( both laughing )
I do too.
But, you know, she
sort of does have a point.
What are you talking about?
She's the one who dragged him
on a ship he didn't want to be on.
Well, then he should've
been more involved
in the planning, like you were
involved in our honeymoon.
Heh-heh-heh. What
are you talking about?
I asked you if you wanted to
go to Aspen, Hawaii or Miami.
You said, "Let's take a cruise."
Are you sorry you're here?
I... I didn't say that.
Well, then exactly
what did you say?
Well, I... I don't
know what I said.
Well, then it must not
have been very important,
or you wouldn't
have forgotten it.
Can you recite the
Gettysburg Address?
What? Uh-huh.
That's important
and you forgot it.
I married a crazy person.
( mellow theme playing )
Well, Gopher, it looks
like $321 you owe me.
Three hundred and
twenty-one dollars?
Heh-heh. I guess
my luck's improving.
There you are, Wendel.
Still playing gin at this hour?
I'm getting to like it.
Well, I'm off to bed,
and you should be too.
And look at Gopher,
he's exhausted.
I think that's enough
gin for one night.
I'll be with you as soon
as I collect my winnings.
Gopher, pay him the $5,
and then he'll
let you go to bed.
Mr. Snead, I don't think I have
$321 in my checking account.
That's cash, Gopher.
Cash?
After all, I paid you
cash when I lost.
You don't have to
pay me right away.
Thank you.
By noon tomorrow's fine.
Noon tomorrow?
Three hundred and
twenty-one dollars.
Sure do know how to
keep the passengers happy.
Let's add this again:
342, three... No, 321.
That's what it
comes out to: 321.
That's right.
Hi, Gopher. Whatever.
Mr. Snead.
You want a nightcap
before I close up?
Thanks, Isaac. I'll have a gin.
Ah, gin's your drink and
gin's your game, huh?
Care to join me?
In which one?
Both, if you like.
Ha-ha. You're on.
( upbeat theme playing )
MAN ( over PA ): Passengers
who wish to take a land tour
when we reach Cabo San Lucas,
please report to
the purser's office.
Thank you.
If we were in Rome now,
you'd be looking at the Coliseum.
Aren't these sights better?
Would you be happier,
Gladys, if I closed my eyes?
I'd settle for your mouth.
ISAAC: Julie. Yeah?
Uh, I gotta find Gopher.
Have you seen him? No.
Oh. Can I help you?
No, but if you see Gopher,
tell him I gotta talk to him.
Okay.
Oh, hi, Doc. Hi, Sheila.
Hello, Mr. Snead. Oh, hi.
Where's Ida? She's
having a little rest.
She's played so much bingo,
she's seeing numbers
before her eyes.
Hm. How about a little company?
I'll play you crazy eights.
I don't know how to play that.
Gin?
You twisted my arm. Oh, good.
You know, I can't get over
how silly we were last night.
You know, you're
really good at fighting.
You're really good at making up.
Well... ( giggles )
Uh-oh, look who's here.
Punch and Judy.
( inaudible dialogue )
Hi. GLADYS: Hi.
MAX: Hey.
Enjoying your cruise? Oh, yes.
I'd rather be in Rome,
but, uh, thanks to
my travel agent here...
GLADYS: You're not gonna
start that again, are you, Max?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. We don't
always get what we want in life.
I mean, Ellen and
I discussed our trip
like two rational people,
and it so happened
that this time we got to
do what she wanted to do.
What I wanted?
Well, I mean, what
we both wanted.
I mean, if it were up to me,
I probably would have gone
to Aspen, but what the
heck. I'm making the best of it.
Making the best of it?
Uh, honey, you're
getting me all wrong.
I'm getting you right.
The next time you go on a
honeymoon, you make the plans.
You know, I bet you
don't win an argument
till you've been married
at least ten years.
You know, you're a
regular Henry Kissinger.
Gladys, they have to find
out what marriage is all about.
Fighting isn't
what it's all about.
We have plenty of
good times, don't we?
Name one.
Oh, Max, I'm being serious.
So am I.
Come on, Gladys.
Good times, bad
times. Who cares?
It's all about being
together, and that's all good.
Oh, Max, I do love you.
Yeah, try to tell them that.
Maybe I will.
Gladys...
Maybe you should wear a hat.
This Mexican sun strikes fast.
Doctor, please.
You're sure you don't
want to take a swim?
No, thanks. I
don't like to swim.
I think I'll take a swim.
Hi. Hi.
How are you? Fine.
You'd better talk fast,
because my secret-service
man will be here any second.
Okay, Flipper,
move it or lose it.
Here. Don't catch cold.
I didn't know he would be there.
"On you, droplets of water
seem to be diamonds."
Hi, Isaac.
( mouthing words )
How about a drink, Doc?
No, thanks, but it's
nice of you to offer.
Sure, what would you like?
A piña colada.
Coming up.
On you, droplets of water
appear to be diamonds.
Oh, Howard.
( upbeat theme playing )
For you.
I don't want your presents.
This is a peace offering.
Take it or I'll wrap
it around your neck.
I'll take it when you
admit you were wrong.
Okay. I was wrong.
I was wrong to tell the truth
and admit I would
rather be in Aspen.
Oh, you can keep
your turkey, turkey.
Kids. Oh, kids, please
don't let this happen.
You're beginning to
sound just like Max and me.
Gladys, this isn't your fight.
Oh, yes, it is. It is
exactly our style.
The stubbornness, the pettiness
and the stupid pigheadedness.
Look, I just wanted you to know
that we're not always like that.
Sometimes we're
very loving and close.
Gladys, don't mix in.
Look, it's just that sometimes
it seems that fighting
is the only way that
we can communicate.
And I'm so sorry that
we did it in front of you.
Gladys, don't apologize for us.
Well, it looks like you're
communicating right now.
It's more than I
could say for you.
How about this
for communication,
take a hike.
SCOTT: I got you
the wrong animal.
I should have bought you a mule!
( funky theme playing )
Now see what you've done?
Busy messing up their lives
when you should have been
with me at the skeet shoot.
Oh, shoot this.
MAN ( over PA ): Good morning.
The 12:00 luncheon
seating will begin
in half an hour in the
Coral Dining Room.
Bon appétit.
( sighs )
( knocking on door )
Uh, Gopher, it's
me, Isaac. Open up.
Oh, uh, Isaac, listen,
uh, I'm... I'm not decent.
Listen, I-I'll settle
for half decent.
Uh, come back later, will you?
Listen, Gopher, I
gotta talk to you.
It's a matter of life and death.
All right. Just a
minute. Hang on.
Listen, Gopher, I'm in a jam,
you're the only one
that can help me.
I understand. We'll get
together sometime next week.
Listen, Gopher,
this is important.
You've got the
emergency fund, right?
How do you know I
have the emergency fund?
You're in charge of
the emergency fund.
Now, I need to make a loan
and I need to make it now.
Oh, you need to make a loan.
Uh-huh. Oh, well... Yeah.
What's that lamp doing there?
I was reading in bed.
Gopher, this is serious.
Now, I owe Mr. Snead
a lot of money.
Oh, Mr. Snead.
Yeah. A-after you
left the bar last night,
well, we kinda got
into a little game of gin.
There's one born every minute.
Actually, there's two
born every minute.
How much did you lose?
Three hundred and
twenty-one dollars.
Boy, do you play rotten.
I only lost 149.
( phone ringing )
Oh, boy, I'll bet...
I'll bet you that's Snead, and
I'll bet you he wants his money.
How do you know that?
You haven't even answered it.
It might be the captain.
Either way, it is not good news.
Listen, answer it.
( clears throat )
Yeoman Purser Smith.
Yeah, Julie?
Oh, you're kidding.
Oh, no. Oh, Julie.
Julie, how could you let
Mr. Snead do that to you?
How much did she lose?
Sixty-seven dollars.
Hm. After Snead she's
the next biggest winner.
No, Julie, just relax.
No, no. No, I'll think
of something. Sure.
Okay, keep in touch.
( groans )
Hi, guys.
Let me try that again.
Hi, guys.
That was my best shot.
Doc, we've got a problem here.
I almost had a problem.
A kindly old gentleman almost
suckered me into a gin game.
You didn't play
with him, did you?
Are you crazy? He was
working with a marked deck.
How do you know it
was a marked deck?
Elementary.
I have the hands of a surgeon.
The eyes of an eagle.
And an ex-wife who's
a dealer in Vegas.
( upbeat theme playing )
Okay, we all set? Mm-hm.
Yeah. Where's Mrs. Snead?
In the beauty parlor.
And Julie's keeping
the captain busy?
Yeah. Yeah, but
Julie felt kind of bad
about cheating
Mr. Snead. He cheated us.
Look, you gotta
fight fire with fire.
She felt bad. I don't.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Maybe Julie's right.
It's only money.
I mean, among the three
of you, how much you out?
Five hundred and
thirty-seven dollars.
Over the top!
( mischievous theme playing )
Twelve o'clock.
Right on the button.
Did you bring the, uh...?
Here it is. You can count it.
Oh, count it.
Mr. Snead, I took that money
from the ship's emergency fund.
I sure would like a chance
to win some of it back.
No, Gopher. I don't want you to
get in any deeper than you are.
Well, what makes you so
sure that you're going to win?
Uh... Who said I was sure?
Then let's see
what the cards say.
( clears throat )
Uh, what are you doing?
Ah. Captain, he's
got eyes everywhere.
( clears throat )
Oh, I'll sit there.
The couch is much
more comfortable.
( jazzy theme playing )
( clears throat )
All right.
( clears throat )
He's collecting fours and clubs.
Luncheon is now being
served in the Coral Dining Room.
Our special today is Number 4,
club sandwich.
May we also recommend
our chicken à la king.
Our chefs really put
their hearts into this one.
( mouths words )
Miss McCoy.
Captain Stubing. Heh.
Sir, I'd like to go over
the details for
the party tonight.
Well, I was just
going in to lunch.
That chicken à la
king sounds good.
Yes, I understand, sir, but
I've just a few of these details.
Uh, later, Miss McCoy.
I don't want them to run
out of chicken à la king.
Yeah. Uh, captain!
Captain Stubing, sir, I
really do have to talk to you.
Miss McCoy, I'm starved.
See me after lunch.
ISAAC ( over PA ): There'll be a full
dress party on the Lido Deck tonight.
Isn't that Isaac? Yes, sir.
He's terrific, isn't he?
Yes, ladies, you can
wear your diamonds,
so discard any other
plans you may have.
Overdoing it a bit, I'd say.
Snead needs a nine
of spades to make gin.
ISAAC ( over PA ): Our foreign
film festival continues this afternoon
with Nein, Mein Leibchen,
starring Hildegard Spaderhoff.
( knocking on door )
Coming.
Oh, hi, Sheila.
Hi, Doc. Doc isn't here.
I haven't seen him
for the past hour.
He must be making house calls.
Oh. Uh, come in.
( playful theme playing )
If I'd gone without seeing you
for another five minutes,
I wouldn't have been
responsible for my actions.
Oh, Howard,
you always have the
perfect thing to say
right on the tip of your tongue.
( over PA ): This is Isaac,
your bartender, saying,
run one-two-three to
the Starlight Lounge
where we're serving
martinis that are nearly all gin.
Gin.
Nearly all gin?
Now he's doing
plugs for his martinis.
"Baby, this isn't just
one of those things.
This is a for-real
relationship."
Oh, Howard, you
make me so happy.
I can't wait till you
meet my father.
He was afraid I'd meet one
of those phonies on board.
Someone who'd
take advantage of me.
But you. Ah.
Oh.
Oh, Howard.
What's the book? Book?
I-is that a book?
"No girl can resist this line.
"Baby, this isn't just
one of those things,
this is a for-real
relationship."
Uh, Sheila. No.
"How to Hit on Girls."
Oh, please, I... You... Uh...
How to Hit on Girls?
Please. How 'bout
how to hit a boy?
( speaking indistinctly )
How 'bout how to hit a boy?
MAN ( over PA ): Good afternoon,
this is the officer of the watch.
If you look off the port side,
you can see a rather
large school of dolphins.
( mellow theme playing )
BRICKER: But,
captain, he's a crook.
That doesn't explain
your behavior.
But, captain, listen,
we were only trying
to beat him at his own game.
If he were a nudist, would
you run around naked?
Come in.
Captain Stubing, sir!
Mr. Snead. I owe you an apology.
They owe you an apology.
My crew has been
cheating you at cards.
I thought I was just unlucky.
I assure you, they
will be dealt with.
Dealt with? How?
They'll be dismissed.
They're gonna lose their jobs?
That's what it means.
No, captain.
That wouldn't be fair.
I was cheating them too.
( dramatic theme playing )
Mr. Snead, you
should be ashamed.
I am ashamed.
I only did it because I
desperately needed the money.
I mortgaged our house
to pay for this cruise.
Ida wanted so much to
see her grandchildren.
I have no way to
pay that money back.
Oh, my God.
This is gonna kill Ida.
Sir, we have got our money back.
Yes, captain, don't you think...
Mr. Snead.
It looks to me like things
are just about even.
Let's consider
this matter closed.
( door closes )
( majestic theme playing )
( band playing light jazz )
Listen, Sheila, I have
to get this off my chest.
This whole thing
is Bernie's fault.
See what I saved you from?
Now he's talking to himself.
He's probably the only one
he could find who'd listen.
Mind if I sit down?
Oh, no, please do.
Where's your husband?
Who cares?
Bourbon on the rocks, please.
Comin' up.
Well, it's you.
Great. That's just
what I needed.
Hey, I was here
first, troublemaker.
Troublemaker? Me?
That's right. Because of you,
my wife isn't speaking to me.
Well, my wife isn't
speaking to me either,
and I'm on my honeymoon.
What do you want me
to do, ask you to dance?
Here we are, folks.
This is our Lido Deck and
the swimming pool is real.
( chuckling )
Oh, hello! Hi.
Julie, Gopher. Mrs. Snead
wanted you to meet the family,
especially the
grandchildren. Hey.
Hi. And this is Sarah and Billy.
My daughter Anita
and her husband, Frank.
Well, how do you
do? Mucho gusto.
Now, Julie, don't forget
you promised to show them
all over the ship.
It'll be my pleasure.
And then we'll come
back and join the party.
How 'bout I show you
the captain's quarters?
Pretty dress. JULIE: Hurry.
If we go up to the bridge, he
won't even know we're there.
( all speaking indistinctly )
I don't understand it.
Before we were married,
Scott and I never fought.
I remember once Max and I
didn't have a single argument
for six whole weeks.
His jaw was broken.
( laughing )
Sheila, I-I have to
get this off my chest.
It's all Bernie's fault.
See, he gave me...
( whistling )
Gentlemen, I've spent a
lot of time over the years
dispensing advice.
You wanna know what I think?
I don't. I don't.
( clears throat )
Listen to me, kid.
Play hard to get.
She'll come around.
You gotta keep women
under your thumb,
or you'll lose control.
Well, I got a better idea, Max.
I'm gonna tell her I'm sorry.
Why? You weren't
wrong. Neither was she.
Max, someone's gotta say
I'm sorry, or each day the...
The anger gets buried a
little deeper until one day
you find it's so deep,
it'll never come out.
You don't understand, kid.
Marriages may be made in heaven,
but they're lived in Pittsburgh.
What Gladys and I
have may not be perfect,
but it's... It's what we've got,
and that's okay with me.
Well, if it's so okay, Max.
How come you're
sitting here and, uh,
she's sitting over there?
Ellen, I'm sorry.
Wrong.
Wrong?
I'm sorry.
( tender theme playing )
Gladys.
I'm, um...
I'm sorry.
Oh, Max,
you haven't said
"I'm sorry" in...
In 25 years.
I'm sorry for that too.
Oh, Max.
( Gladys sighs )
Listen, Sheila. I have
to get this off your chest.
I-I mean off my chest.
It's Bernie's fault.
He gave me the book.
See, beautiful
girls don't go for me.
But you're different.
I don't mean that
you're not beautiful,
you are. To me, anyway.
What I mean is, Sheila,
that if you were my
girl, I'd be so proud,
I'd climb the highest mountain
and I'd yell,
"She's my girl! She's my girl!
She's my girl!"
( applause )
You didn't get that
out of any book.
Isaac.
Mr. Snead,
we know that mortgage
money has been on your mind,
and so the crew got together
and they decided to give you this.
What's this?
That's the money from
the ship's emergency fund.
Oh, we use that...
when one of us is in trouble.
Why are you giving it to me?
Well, like Isaac said, when
one of our family is in trouble.
Family?
You'd consider me family
after what I've done to you?
After I lied to you?
After I cheated you?
Being part of a family
means knowing
how to forgive too.
JULIE: And here we are.
Back where we started.
How lucky can one man get?
I've got two families.
( majestic theme playing )
( inaudible dialogue )
MAX: Scott and I have
been talking it over.
What do you say we all spend
our vacation together next year?
I think it's a wonderful idea.
Yeah, we could go to
Rome. We could go to Aspen.
Rome? Aspen?
We were thinking
about another cruise.
Oh, well, if you insist.
If I'm forced to.
HERB: She's engaged?
How could that be?
A thousand-to-one shot.
Oh, she doesn't
know what she's doing.
She's an innocent. Another
thousand-to-one shot.
Herb, just be happy
that she's found someone
to love her for what she is.
You're right.
Daddy! Sheila!
Honey, oh.
This is Howard.
Hello. Uh...
I'd know that walk anywhere.
You're Miss America.
Darling, you don't
need this anymore.
All ashore who's going ashore.
Merrill, what the
hell have you done?
Done?
Herb, they're
made for each other.
Well, I'm certainly gonna miss
you guys on my one day off.
No kidding? We're
not gonna miss you.
Hi there. Hey. Hi.
I'll remember this
cruise as long as I live.
Ah, we're glad you
enjoyed yourself.
Please, come back
again. IDA: You bet we will.
I can't wait to meet
my grandchildren again.
Gopher, I'll pay
that money back.
Every penny of it somehow.
You take your time.
At least this way you
won't lose your house.
But I don't wanna
lose my friends either.
Gopher, is he still trying to
collect gambling debts from you?
Well... Well, forget it.
I'll pay Wendel the $5.
( all laugh )
Should we get a cab here now?
Yes.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Thank you.
( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )
Love Boat" playing )
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing )
Thanks for bringing
me down, Bernie.
I really appreciate it.
Howie, what are friends for?
Just promise me one
thing. What's that?
You spent a lot of money
on a cruise, don't blow it.
Get some of the action.
Oh, Bernie, I'm not like you.
I... I can't come on to
girls the way you do.
Yeah, with women
I'm a verbal clod.
Hm, true. That's
why I bought you this.
HOWIE: "How to Hit on Girls"?
Believe me, it's
not about karate.
No, this isn't
gonna work, Bernie.
Oh, yeah? What
do you say to a girl
when you first meet her?
I say, uh, "My name's Howard.
What's yours?" Terrific.
With a line like that, you
could become a monk.
Listen.
"Excuse me, I don't
mean to be forward,
but, uh, are you a
professional model?"
( laughing ): No, Bernie.
Oh, go on. Laugh if you
wanna, but this stuff is dynamite.
You're gonna score so
much, Burt Reynolds is gonna
be calling you for pointers.
Bernie, I... I don't
want to score.
I just want to meet a nice girl.
Okay. Does she look
like a nice girl to you?
Yeah.
Watch.
You watching?
Uh, excuse me. Excuse me.
Uh, I don't mean to be forward,
but, uh, are you a
professional model?
Why, yes. How did you know?
Oh, I just, uh... I...
I thought you were.
Would you like a lift somewhere?
Could I drop you someplace?
Sure.
( upbeat theme playing )
Well, hello. Welcome aboard.
Hi.
We're Mr. and Mrs. Desmond.
Oh, newlyweds.
Oh, no. We've been
married five hours.
Oh, well, then,
happy anniversary.
Thank you. Which way
to the Promenade Deck?
Through this door
and up the stairs.
Have a great honeymoon.
Oh, you can bet on it.
Oh... Ooh. Ah.
WOMAN: Max, will you kindly
not make a scene here?
Gladys, this is ridiculous.
We're stuck on a ship for
a week with 600 strangers.
We could have been in Rome.
We've been there three times.
I am bored with Rome.
Bored with Rome?
Fifteen years ago we
were happy to have a nail
to hang your bathing suit on
in the bathhouse
at Coney Island.
I hope we're never like that.
No way. I don't even know
where Coney Island is.
Hi. Hello. Welcome aboard.
Hello, I'm Wendel
Snead. This is my wife, Ida.
Well, how do you do?
We're in C-120.
That's on the Coral Deck.
Coral Deck. Sounds so exotic.
You can take the
elevator in the lobby.
Thank you. JULIE: Mm-hm.
Oh, uh, when we get
to Cabo San Lucas,
do you think our grandchildren
could come onboard
and look around?
Oh, yes, of course.
I'd love to give them a tour.
Oh, Wendel.
I wonder what they look like.
You see, our daughter's
been living in Mexico
for the past ten years.
We've never seen
our grandchildren.
I can't wait to meet them.
I bet they can't wait
to meet you either.
( both laugh ) Bye-bye.
Hello.
Wendel, this is so luxurious.
It must be costing a fortune.
Wouldn't it be cheaper to fly?
Now, Ida, you know
what the doctor said.
No flying for you.
But how can we afford it?
I knew there was
something I forgot to tell you.
I won the Irish Sweepstakes.
( laughs ) Isaac!
It's contribution time again.
I need your $10 for the
crew emergency fund.
ISAAC: Catch me
later. GOPHER: Isaac!
Listen, Gopher, I
can't skip out on you.
I'm not that good a swimmer.
And by the way, how much
money you got in the box?
Six hundred and
thirty-five dollars.
ISAAC: In that case,
you give me 10 bucks,
which you owe me, by the way,
from our last gin rummy game.
Catch me later.
Uh, excuse me.
Did I hear you say
you play gin rummy?
Oh, well, sir, some of us
play and some of us win.
I love gin.
Maybe we'll get
together later on.
Well, that depends.
You a player or a winner?
Wendel, you're
terrible at cards.
What better place to practice?
( chuckles ) My place or yours?
( laughs )
Now, rest assured, Herb, we'll
take good care of your daughter.
I appreciate it, Merrill,
but Sheila's different.
Yeah, she... She's an innocent.
She's never
vacationed alone before.
Now, don't worry. I've
assigned Dr. Bricker here
to look after her.
You can count on
me, Mr. Lawrence.
Thank you. ( tumbling )
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Please forgive me.
HERB: Sheila, darling.
STUBING: Are you all right?
You've got to watch yourself.
It was an accident, Daddy.
I think I could look after her.
Now, you didn't
forget to tip the cabby
and... And did you
pack your vitamins?
And be careful of what you
eat. And don't drink the water.
Daddy! I can take
care of myself.
Tell him, captain.
Uh, yes. Yes, of course.
Be careful of who you talk to.
There are a lot of
weird guys on a ship.
Daddy... You see,
she doesn't date much.
Daddy, really.
Well, have a good
time, sweetheart.
It'll be a slice of heaven.
All right, Herb. Let's go.
Now, come on, there's
nothing to worry about now.
Dr. Bricker is the
best man I have.
He'll treat your... Treat
your daughter just like...
( romantic theme playing )
I don't mean to be forward,
but are you a
professional model?
I used to be, but
now I'm a doctor.
( foghorn blowing )
( all shouting indistinctly )
( upbeat theme playing )
I haven't seen you wear
that since our wedding,
38 years ago.
You don't think it's out of
style for a cruise, do you?
Not if the cruise
is 38 years ago.
( both laugh )
I guess you're right.
You're having a
good time, aren't you?
Oh, yes, Wendel. Thank you.
You deserve it, Ida.
But, dear, how did
you afford all this?
I told you not
to worry about it.
Well, I will worry
about it, unless I know.
Well, I...
I took out a small
mortgage on the house.
You took out a mortgage?
How will we pay it back?
Ida, I know where
to get the money.
But we only have our pension.
We could lose our home.
Ida, haven't I always
managed to provide for us?
I know we haven't
lived like kings...
I'm sorry, Wendel.
I trust you.
I know everything
will be all right.
Well, then, give us a smile.
You're here to enjoy
yourself, remember?
That's better.
JULIE ( over PA ): Good
afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Julie McCoy,
your cruise director.
Our first session of
jackpot bingo will be starting
in just 15 minutes in
the Acapulco Lounge.
How about that?
As I recall, you were always
the prettiest and the best
bingo player at
every church social.
Were?
Well, you're
still the prettiest.
And I'm still the best.
Then hop to it.
( giggles )
Aren't you coming with me?
I'm not as pretty
as I used to be.
And I want to see if I can
remember how to play gin rummy.
I'll see you later. Okay.
I love you. I love you.
( dramatic theme playing )
Nine of hearts.
Jack of clubs.
Ida, forgive me.
( upbeat theme playing )
Hello. Mr. and Mrs. Watkins,
I'd like you to meet
the Desmonds.
Uh, the Desmonds are newlyweds.
Oh. Never would have guessed.
Enjoy your dinner.
Thank you. Oh, hi, uh,
we're the Desmonds.
My wife, Ellen. I'm Scott.
I'm Gladys Watkins...
and this is my husband,
Max. I'm, uh, Max.
Thank you, dear.
You're welcome.
When were you married?
This morning.
Oh.
And you're still
talking to each other.
We've been married 25 years.
Oh.
Yeah, in some states,
you get less for murder.
Max.
Now, I suggest either the
Pollo à la Cacciatore Con Fungi,
or a nice New
England boiled dinner.
Both very good. Oh.
This looks sort of
fascinating, doesn't it?
Oh, sir, um,
I'd like you to meet
Mr. and Mrs. Wendel Snead.
This is Captain Stubing.
How do you do? How do you do?
Hello.
May I compliment you
on your wonderful crew?
Why, thank you.
IDA: I must say, Miss McCoy
calls a mean game of bingo.
WENDEL: And Gopher's a
mighty mean gin rummy player.
He took me for a
$1.27 this afternoon.
I hope you let me get
even with you tonight.
Uh, I warn you, I hear that
Gopher is a pretty good player.
( clears throat ) You know, uh,
I might just get lucky myself.
( chuckles )
BRICKER: Sheila,
you're looking for trouble.
Really, doctor, I can
take care of myself.
As long as neatness
doesn't count.
Look, let me lay it out for you.
That guy at that table
is nothing but a
cruise-ship cowboy
looking to add another
notch to his life preserver.
He only wants
one thing from you.
He'll take your
heart and rip it apart.
And then he'll stomp
on it and squish it
and turn it into hamburger meat.
And then he'll leave
you on the dock
crying for your mother,
and then you know what he'll do?
He'll just go off and
look for somebody else.
Think you could introduce me?
Good evening, Miss Lawrence.
Uh, are you okay?
Would you like something?
Well...
Uh, captain, may I
have a word with you?
Certainly.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hello again.
Captain, I have a horrible
confession to make.
I'm a lousy chaperone.
Maybe a little
practice will help.
Oh, no.
( sighs )
I... I'm not trying
to pick you up.
I think I'm in love with you.
That's not love. Those
are hunger pangs.
Go eat your dinner.
( upbeat theme playing )
BRICKER: Isn't it beautiful?
So calm, yet dark
and mysterious.
I just love the sea at night.
Why? You can't see anything.
Doesn't it make you
feel insignificant?
The enormity of it all.
I can't see it.
Please make a note to
send the champagne and fruit
to the Promenade suite.
Uh, pardon me. Yes?
I hate to be a bother, but is
there a doctor on the ship?
Well, yes, of course.
What's the problem?
A stomachache. Must
have been something I ate.
Oh. Probably at home.
Not here. Here,
the food's delicious.
Well, I tell you what.
Why don't you go to
your cabin and lie down,
and I'll send the doctor to you.
Thank you. Excuse me.
Your cabin number.
Oh. Uh, Aloha 358.
Got it. Thanks.
A grown woman with a chaperone.
It's ridiculous.
Well, it could have been worse.
How?
Thank you.
Oh, Doc.
Hi, Sheila. Hi.
Uh, I should have known I'd
find you two in the moonlight.
Doc, there's a fellow in
Aloha 358 with a stomachache.
Okay?
Sorry. I gotta play doctor.
Come on. I'll take
you to your cabin.
I think I'll just stay
here a little while.
BRICKER: I won't be long.
Enjoy the moonlight without me.
I love the...
I love the way
your moon refle...
I love the way your eyes
reflect the shimmering moonlight
on the rippling water.
Oh, Howard.
MAN: Just a minute.
Yeah? Hi, I'm Dr. Bricker.
How...? How you
doing? Fine, thanks.
Can I help?
No, I seem to be doing
just great by myself.
But if I run into anything
that I can't handle,
I'll be sure to give you a call.
( humorous theme playing )
"My words are merely
the thumping of my heart
put into language."
Oh, Howard, you have the
most romantic way of speaking.
See you tomorrow.
Did the moonlight
suffer without me?
It was the best
moonlight I've ever seen.
( coughs )
Oh, ho-ho-ho, wow.
Like it?
Like it? I love it.
Take it off.
Well, what do you say
we get some sleep?
I want to get up early. I hear
there's a shuffleboard contest
tomorrow. Oh, golly,
we don't want to miss that.
Oh, darling, we're so
lucky to have each other.
Yeah.
Not like that couple
in the dining room.
I mean, here we are
in each other's arms
and right now they're
probably at each other's throats.
Well, let's not think about
them and their silly fighting.
I have other things on my mind.
( both laughing )
I do too.
But, you know, she
sort of does have a point.
What are you talking about?
She's the one who dragged him
on a ship he didn't want to be on.
Well, then he should've
been more involved
in the planning, like you were
involved in our honeymoon.
Heh-heh-heh. What
are you talking about?
I asked you if you wanted to
go to Aspen, Hawaii or Miami.
You said, "Let's take a cruise."
Are you sorry you're here?
I... I didn't say that.
Well, then exactly
what did you say?
Well, I... I don't
know what I said.
Well, then it must not
have been very important,
or you wouldn't
have forgotten it.
Can you recite the
Gettysburg Address?
What? Uh-huh.
That's important
and you forgot it.
I married a crazy person.
( mellow theme playing )
Well, Gopher, it looks
like $321 you owe me.
Three hundred and
twenty-one dollars?
Heh-heh. I guess
my luck's improving.
There you are, Wendel.
Still playing gin at this hour?
I'm getting to like it.
Well, I'm off to bed,
and you should be too.
And look at Gopher,
he's exhausted.
I think that's enough
gin for one night.
I'll be with you as soon
as I collect my winnings.
Gopher, pay him the $5,
and then he'll
let you go to bed.
Mr. Snead, I don't think I have
$321 in my checking account.
That's cash, Gopher.
Cash?
After all, I paid you
cash when I lost.
You don't have to
pay me right away.
Thank you.
By noon tomorrow's fine.
Noon tomorrow?
Three hundred and
twenty-one dollars.
Sure do know how to
keep the passengers happy.
Let's add this again:
342, three... No, 321.
That's what it
comes out to: 321.
That's right.
Hi, Gopher. Whatever.
Mr. Snead.
You want a nightcap
before I close up?
Thanks, Isaac. I'll have a gin.
Ah, gin's your drink and
gin's your game, huh?
Care to join me?
In which one?
Both, if you like.
Ha-ha. You're on.
( upbeat theme playing )
MAN ( over PA ): Passengers
who wish to take a land tour
when we reach Cabo San Lucas,
please report to
the purser's office.
Thank you.
If we were in Rome now,
you'd be looking at the Coliseum.
Aren't these sights better?
Would you be happier,
Gladys, if I closed my eyes?
I'd settle for your mouth.
ISAAC: Julie. Yeah?
Uh, I gotta find Gopher.
Have you seen him? No.
Oh. Can I help you?
No, but if you see Gopher,
tell him I gotta talk to him.
Okay.
Oh, hi, Doc. Hi, Sheila.
Hello, Mr. Snead. Oh, hi.
Where's Ida? She's
having a little rest.
She's played so much bingo,
she's seeing numbers
before her eyes.
Hm. How about a little company?
I'll play you crazy eights.
I don't know how to play that.
Gin?
You twisted my arm. Oh, good.
You know, I can't get over
how silly we were last night.
You know, you're
really good at fighting.
You're really good at making up.
Well... ( giggles )
Uh-oh, look who's here.
Punch and Judy.
( inaudible dialogue )
Hi. GLADYS: Hi.
MAX: Hey.
Enjoying your cruise? Oh, yes.
I'd rather be in Rome,
but, uh, thanks to
my travel agent here...
GLADYS: You're not gonna
start that again, are you, Max?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. We don't
always get what we want in life.
I mean, Ellen and
I discussed our trip
like two rational people,
and it so happened
that this time we got to
do what she wanted to do.
What I wanted?
Well, I mean, what
we both wanted.
I mean, if it were up to me,
I probably would have gone
to Aspen, but what the
heck. I'm making the best of it.
Making the best of it?
Uh, honey, you're
getting me all wrong.
I'm getting you right.
The next time you go on a
honeymoon, you make the plans.
You know, I bet you
don't win an argument
till you've been married
at least ten years.
You know, you're a
regular Henry Kissinger.
Gladys, they have to find
out what marriage is all about.
Fighting isn't
what it's all about.
We have plenty of
good times, don't we?
Name one.
Oh, Max, I'm being serious.
So am I.
Come on, Gladys.
Good times, bad
times. Who cares?
It's all about being
together, and that's all good.
Oh, Max, I do love you.
Yeah, try to tell them that.
Maybe I will.
Gladys...
Maybe you should wear a hat.
This Mexican sun strikes fast.
Doctor, please.
You're sure you don't
want to take a swim?
No, thanks. I
don't like to swim.
I think I'll take a swim.
Hi. Hi.
How are you? Fine.
You'd better talk fast,
because my secret-service
man will be here any second.
Okay, Flipper,
move it or lose it.
Here. Don't catch cold.
I didn't know he would be there.
"On you, droplets of water
seem to be diamonds."
Hi, Isaac.
( mouthing words )
How about a drink, Doc?
No, thanks, but it's
nice of you to offer.
Sure, what would you like?
A piña colada.
Coming up.
On you, droplets of water
appear to be diamonds.
Oh, Howard.
( upbeat theme playing )
For you.
I don't want your presents.
This is a peace offering.
Take it or I'll wrap
it around your neck.
I'll take it when you
admit you were wrong.
Okay. I was wrong.
I was wrong to tell the truth
and admit I would
rather be in Aspen.
Oh, you can keep
your turkey, turkey.
Kids. Oh, kids, please
don't let this happen.
You're beginning to
sound just like Max and me.
Gladys, this isn't your fight.
Oh, yes, it is. It is
exactly our style.
The stubbornness, the pettiness
and the stupid pigheadedness.
Look, I just wanted you to know
that we're not always like that.
Sometimes we're
very loving and close.
Gladys, don't mix in.
Look, it's just that sometimes
it seems that fighting
is the only way that
we can communicate.
And I'm so sorry that
we did it in front of you.
Gladys, don't apologize for us.
Well, it looks like you're
communicating right now.
It's more than I
could say for you.
How about this
for communication,
take a hike.
SCOTT: I got you
the wrong animal.
I should have bought you a mule!
( funky theme playing )
Now see what you've done?
Busy messing up their lives
when you should have been
with me at the skeet shoot.
Oh, shoot this.
MAN ( over PA ): Good morning.
The 12:00 luncheon
seating will begin
in half an hour in the
Coral Dining Room.
Bon appétit.
( sighs )
( knocking on door )
Uh, Gopher, it's
me, Isaac. Open up.
Oh, uh, Isaac, listen,
uh, I'm... I'm not decent.
Listen, I-I'll settle
for half decent.
Uh, come back later, will you?
Listen, Gopher, I
gotta talk to you.
It's a matter of life and death.
All right. Just a
minute. Hang on.
Listen, Gopher, I'm in a jam,
you're the only one
that can help me.
I understand. We'll get
together sometime next week.
Listen, Gopher,
this is important.
You've got the
emergency fund, right?
How do you know I
have the emergency fund?
You're in charge of
the emergency fund.
Now, I need to make a loan
and I need to make it now.
Oh, you need to make a loan.
Uh-huh. Oh, well... Yeah.
What's that lamp doing there?
I was reading in bed.
Gopher, this is serious.
Now, I owe Mr. Snead
a lot of money.
Oh, Mr. Snead.
Yeah. A-after you
left the bar last night,
well, we kinda got
into a little game of gin.
There's one born every minute.
Actually, there's two
born every minute.
How much did you lose?
Three hundred and
twenty-one dollars.
Boy, do you play rotten.
I only lost 149.
( phone ringing )
Oh, boy, I'll bet...
I'll bet you that's Snead, and
I'll bet you he wants his money.
How do you know that?
You haven't even answered it.
It might be the captain.
Either way, it is not good news.
Listen, answer it.
( clears throat )
Yeoman Purser Smith.
Yeah, Julie?
Oh, you're kidding.
Oh, no. Oh, Julie.
Julie, how could you let
Mr. Snead do that to you?
How much did she lose?
Sixty-seven dollars.
Hm. After Snead she's
the next biggest winner.
No, Julie, just relax.
No, no. No, I'll think
of something. Sure.
Okay, keep in touch.
( groans )
Hi, guys.
Let me try that again.
Hi, guys.
That was my best shot.
Doc, we've got a problem here.
I almost had a problem.
A kindly old gentleman almost
suckered me into a gin game.
You didn't play
with him, did you?
Are you crazy? He was
working with a marked deck.
How do you know it
was a marked deck?
Elementary.
I have the hands of a surgeon.
The eyes of an eagle.
And an ex-wife who's
a dealer in Vegas.
( upbeat theme playing )
Okay, we all set? Mm-hm.
Yeah. Where's Mrs. Snead?
In the beauty parlor.
And Julie's keeping
the captain busy?
Yeah. Yeah, but
Julie felt kind of bad
about cheating
Mr. Snead. He cheated us.
Look, you gotta
fight fire with fire.
She felt bad. I don't.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Maybe Julie's right.
It's only money.
I mean, among the three
of you, how much you out?
Five hundred and
thirty-seven dollars.
Over the top!
( mischievous theme playing )
Twelve o'clock.
Right on the button.
Did you bring the, uh...?
Here it is. You can count it.
Oh, count it.
Mr. Snead, I took that money
from the ship's emergency fund.
I sure would like a chance
to win some of it back.
No, Gopher. I don't want you to
get in any deeper than you are.
Well, what makes you so
sure that you're going to win?
Uh... Who said I was sure?
Then let's see
what the cards say.
( clears throat )
Uh, what are you doing?
Ah. Captain, he's
got eyes everywhere.
( clears throat )
Oh, I'll sit there.
The couch is much
more comfortable.
( jazzy theme playing )
( clears throat )
All right.
( clears throat )
He's collecting fours and clubs.
Luncheon is now being
served in the Coral Dining Room.
Our special today is Number 4,
club sandwich.
May we also recommend
our chicken à la king.
Our chefs really put
their hearts into this one.
( mouths words )
Miss McCoy.
Captain Stubing. Heh.
Sir, I'd like to go over
the details for
the party tonight.
Well, I was just
going in to lunch.
That chicken à la
king sounds good.
Yes, I understand, sir, but
I've just a few of these details.
Uh, later, Miss McCoy.
I don't want them to run
out of chicken à la king.
Yeah. Uh, captain!
Captain Stubing, sir, I
really do have to talk to you.
Miss McCoy, I'm starved.
See me after lunch.
ISAAC ( over PA ): There'll be a full
dress party on the Lido Deck tonight.
Isn't that Isaac? Yes, sir.
He's terrific, isn't he?
Yes, ladies, you can
wear your diamonds,
so discard any other
plans you may have.
Overdoing it a bit, I'd say.
Snead needs a nine
of spades to make gin.
ISAAC ( over PA ): Our foreign
film festival continues this afternoon
with Nein, Mein Leibchen,
starring Hildegard Spaderhoff.
( knocking on door )
Coming.
Oh, hi, Sheila.
Hi, Doc. Doc isn't here.
I haven't seen him
for the past hour.
He must be making house calls.
Oh. Uh, come in.
( playful theme playing )
If I'd gone without seeing you
for another five minutes,
I wouldn't have been
responsible for my actions.
Oh, Howard,
you always have the
perfect thing to say
right on the tip of your tongue.
( over PA ): This is Isaac,
your bartender, saying,
run one-two-three to
the Starlight Lounge
where we're serving
martinis that are nearly all gin.
Gin.
Nearly all gin?
Now he's doing
plugs for his martinis.
"Baby, this isn't just
one of those things.
This is a for-real
relationship."
Oh, Howard, you
make me so happy.
I can't wait till you
meet my father.
He was afraid I'd meet one
of those phonies on board.
Someone who'd
take advantage of me.
But you. Ah.
Oh.
Oh, Howard.
What's the book? Book?
I-is that a book?
"No girl can resist this line.
"Baby, this isn't just
one of those things,
this is a for-real
relationship."
Uh, Sheila. No.
"How to Hit on Girls."
Oh, please, I... You... Uh...
How to Hit on Girls?
Please. How 'bout
how to hit a boy?
( speaking indistinctly )
How 'bout how to hit a boy?
MAN ( over PA ): Good afternoon,
this is the officer of the watch.
If you look off the port side,
you can see a rather
large school of dolphins.
( mellow theme playing )
BRICKER: But,
captain, he's a crook.
That doesn't explain
your behavior.
But, captain, listen,
we were only trying
to beat him at his own game.
If he were a nudist, would
you run around naked?
Come in.
Captain Stubing, sir!
Mr. Snead. I owe you an apology.
They owe you an apology.
My crew has been
cheating you at cards.
I thought I was just unlucky.
I assure you, they
will be dealt with.
Dealt with? How?
They'll be dismissed.
They're gonna lose their jobs?
That's what it means.
No, captain.
That wouldn't be fair.
I was cheating them too.
( dramatic theme playing )
Mr. Snead, you
should be ashamed.
I am ashamed.
I only did it because I
desperately needed the money.
I mortgaged our house
to pay for this cruise.
Ida wanted so much to
see her grandchildren.
I have no way to
pay that money back.
Oh, my God.
This is gonna kill Ida.
Sir, we have got our money back.
Yes, captain, don't you think...
Mr. Snead.
It looks to me like things
are just about even.
Let's consider
this matter closed.
( door closes )
( majestic theme playing )
( band playing light jazz )
Listen, Sheila, I have
to get this off my chest.
This whole thing
is Bernie's fault.
See what I saved you from?
Now he's talking to himself.
He's probably the only one
he could find who'd listen.
Mind if I sit down?
Oh, no, please do.
Where's your husband?
Who cares?
Bourbon on the rocks, please.
Comin' up.
Well, it's you.
Great. That's just
what I needed.
Hey, I was here
first, troublemaker.
Troublemaker? Me?
That's right. Because of you,
my wife isn't speaking to me.
Well, my wife isn't
speaking to me either,
and I'm on my honeymoon.
What do you want me
to do, ask you to dance?
Here we are, folks.
This is our Lido Deck and
the swimming pool is real.
( chuckling )
Oh, hello! Hi.
Julie, Gopher. Mrs. Snead
wanted you to meet the family,
especially the
grandchildren. Hey.
Hi. And this is Sarah and Billy.
My daughter Anita
and her husband, Frank.
Well, how do you
do? Mucho gusto.
Now, Julie, don't forget
you promised to show them
all over the ship.
It'll be my pleasure.
And then we'll come
back and join the party.
How 'bout I show you
the captain's quarters?
Pretty dress. JULIE: Hurry.
If we go up to the bridge, he
won't even know we're there.
( all speaking indistinctly )
I don't understand it.
Before we were married,
Scott and I never fought.
I remember once Max and I
didn't have a single argument
for six whole weeks.
His jaw was broken.
( laughing )
Sheila, I-I have to
get this off my chest.
It's all Bernie's fault.
See, he gave me...
( whistling )
Gentlemen, I've spent a
lot of time over the years
dispensing advice.
You wanna know what I think?
I don't. I don't.
( clears throat )
Listen to me, kid.
Play hard to get.
She'll come around.
You gotta keep women
under your thumb,
or you'll lose control.
Well, I got a better idea, Max.
I'm gonna tell her I'm sorry.
Why? You weren't
wrong. Neither was she.
Max, someone's gotta say
I'm sorry, or each day the...
The anger gets buried a
little deeper until one day
you find it's so deep,
it'll never come out.
You don't understand, kid.
Marriages may be made in heaven,
but they're lived in Pittsburgh.
What Gladys and I
have may not be perfect,
but it's... It's what we've got,
and that's okay with me.
Well, if it's so okay, Max.
How come you're
sitting here and, uh,
she's sitting over there?
Ellen, I'm sorry.
Wrong.
Wrong?
I'm sorry.
( tender theme playing )
Gladys.
I'm, um...
I'm sorry.
Oh, Max,
you haven't said
"I'm sorry" in...
In 25 years.
I'm sorry for that too.
Oh, Max.
( Gladys sighs )
Listen, Sheila. I have
to get this off your chest.
I-I mean off my chest.
It's Bernie's fault.
He gave me the book.
See, beautiful
girls don't go for me.
But you're different.
I don't mean that
you're not beautiful,
you are. To me, anyway.
What I mean is, Sheila,
that if you were my
girl, I'd be so proud,
I'd climb the highest mountain
and I'd yell,
"She's my girl! She's my girl!
She's my girl!"
( applause )
You didn't get that
out of any book.
Isaac.
Mr. Snead,
we know that mortgage
money has been on your mind,
and so the crew got together
and they decided to give you this.
What's this?
That's the money from
the ship's emergency fund.
Oh, we use that...
when one of us is in trouble.
Why are you giving it to me?
Well, like Isaac said, when
one of our family is in trouble.
Family?
You'd consider me family
after what I've done to you?
After I lied to you?
After I cheated you?
Being part of a family
means knowing
how to forgive too.
JULIE: And here we are.
Back where we started.
How lucky can one man get?
I've got two families.
( majestic theme playing )
( inaudible dialogue )
MAX: Scott and I have
been talking it over.
What do you say we all spend
our vacation together next year?
I think it's a wonderful idea.
Yeah, we could go to
Rome. We could go to Aspen.
Rome? Aspen?
We were thinking
about another cruise.
Oh, well, if you insist.
If I'm forced to.
HERB: She's engaged?
How could that be?
A thousand-to-one shot.
Oh, she doesn't
know what she's doing.
She's an innocent. Another
thousand-to-one shot.
Herb, just be happy
that she's found someone
to love her for what she is.
You're right.
Daddy! Sheila!
Honey, oh.
This is Howard.
Hello. Uh...
I'd know that walk anywhere.
You're Miss America.
Darling, you don't
need this anymore.
All ashore who's going ashore.
Merrill, what the
hell have you done?
Done?
Herb, they're
made for each other.
Well, I'm certainly gonna miss
you guys on my one day off.
No kidding? We're
not gonna miss you.
Hi there. Hey. Hi.
I'll remember this
cruise as long as I live.
Ah, we're glad you
enjoyed yourself.
Please, come back
again. IDA: You bet we will.
I can't wait to meet
my grandchildren again.
Gopher, I'll pay
that money back.
Every penny of it somehow.
You take your time.
At least this way you
won't lose your house.
But I don't wanna
lose my friends either.
Gopher, is he still trying to
collect gambling debts from you?
Well... Well, forget it.
I'll pay Wendel the $5.
( all laugh )
Should we get a cab here now?
Yes.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Thank you.
( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )