The Loud House (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Net Gains/Pipe Dreams - full transcript
Lynn desperately wants to win a basketball championship, but gets drafted onto a terrible team.
- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪
♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪
♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪
♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪
♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪
♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪
- ♪ In the Loud house ♪
♪ In the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪
♪ Is how we show our love ♪
- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪
- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪
♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪
- ♪ Loud Loud Loud ♪
♪ Loud house ♪
- Poo-poo.
♪ ♪
[thunder rumbling]
- You're watching Fright TV.
Up next, the season premiere
of "Vampires of Melancholia."
- This is it, Edwin.
A whole new season
of our favorite show.
Can't wait to watch it.
Just you and me.
- Hey, Luce!
- Scoot over!
- Ah!
What are you doing here?
"The Dream Boat" is on
Monday nights, remember?
both: Duh! We're here
to watch "VOM"!
- First, please don't
call it that.
Second, you guys have never
been interested in my show.
Why are you--
both: [squealing]
There he is!
- Whoa, this place looks sick.
both: [screaming]
Blake Bradley!
- Who?
- Duh! Literally
the cutest actor ever.
- Didn't you know he was gonna
be a new character on "VOM"?
- Sigh. It's called--
- Yo, anybody home?
- [gasps] Why is he literally
so dreamy?
- Yikes! Who's that creepy guy?
- That's Edwin,
the main character.
- He-hey, Uncle Eddie!
- Tristan, my great-great-
great-great grandnephew.
This is a surprise.
- Lookin' good.
Are you sure you're really 300?
- What brings you
to Melancholia?
- Just thought I'd crash
at Casa Creepy for a while.
- Well, I must confess,
I am not really accustomed
to sharing my castle
with mortals.
- No worries, bro!
I can hang with anyone.
Now bring it in.
Bro hug!
- Ah, so gorge.
- You can just tell
he'd be a great boyfriend.
- What is happening?
- Sigh.
- Wait. Who's she?
- Griselda,
the other main character.
She's on a quest
to the underworld right now.
If you guys had
watched the show
from the beginning, you'd--
- Why are her teeth all pointy?
Wait, his teeth
are pointy, too.
- Because they're vampires.
- Tune in next week for more
"Vampires of Melancholia."
- Ah, that was literally
amazing.
- Totes! This is definitelygonna be
Lori, me, you and "VOM."
- [grinding teeth]
It's "Vampires of Melancholia"!
[sighs] I have to
put a stop to this.
- How excited are you
for tonight's episode?
- So excited! According to
rumors on social media,
Tristan's going to turn
a dungeon into a gym.
Tristan working out?
Can you even?
[both sigh]
- Ugh.
Let's hope this works, Edwin.
[takes deep breath]
Hey, guys, now that we're all,
um, "VOM" heads,
you have to join me in all of
the super fun pre-show rituals.
- Rituals?
- Yeah, the stuff we fans do
to get into vampire mode.
You guys are going
to love them.
[blade slices]
First, you have to
look the part
with a full vampire makeover.
- Ew! Do we have to
look so sickly?
- Well, it's a really important
part of watching the show.
But if you're not into it
and you'd rather
just go back to
watching "The Dream Boat"--
- Don't be ridiculous.
Come on, Leni,
it'll be good
contouring practice.
Look how much their
cheek bones pop.
- [gasps] Good point.
- [grumbles]
- Wait.
[door shuts]
- [screams]
- [hisses]
[laughs] Halloween leftovers!
- [laughs]
Look, I'm Tristan's
weird, old uncle.
- Next, you have to
see the world
from a vampire's perspective.
- Ugh, this is giving me
a migraine.
- Yeah, and I'm getting
a headache.
[gasps] Wait.
Is that my missing jelly sandal
under the couch?
[grunts]
Whoo-hoo!
- [gasps] And my missing ring!
- [gasps] And Lucy,
I found your creepy dolls!
- Give me those.
- We should def
do this every week.
We'll never lose anything
again.
- Sigh.
Next, you have to watch
the show as a vampire would,
in one of these.
- Uh, this provides
zero lumbar support.
- It's also really hard
on your back.
- I cannot spend
a whole hour in this.
- Wait, I know.
Decorative throw pillows!
They'll add support
and a little zhuzh.
- Ooh, and we can use the lid
to make a fun TV tray.
- Wait, there's still
one more ritual.
This is an absolute must.
Toasting every new episode
with a refreshing glass
of homemade blood.
[screaming]
- No!
I don't know if
I can handle this. [retches]
- I totally get that.
It's not easy being a fan
of this show.
I'll understand
if you guys wanna bail.
- Wait.
[whirring]
Beet smoothies!
They look just like blood,
but now they're delicious
and full of antioxidants.
Yay!
- Cheers!
- Sigh.
- Ooh, ooh!
It's starting.
♪ ♪
[slurping]
- My darling Griselda,
how I wish you were here
to help me endure
this visit
from my boorish nephew.
He actually asked me if I was
a boxers or briefs man.
[clattering]
Ahh!
- Uh! Oh, yeah!
Yo, Uncle Eddie.
Wanna play some cornhole?
- What happened to my castle?!
- I redecorated, bro.
Put some boom in your gloom.
And look, got you a lid
so we can match in the thatch!
Now how 'bout a selfie with
your favorite nephew?
- I told you, I don't show up
in these.
- Oh, right. My bad.
[both sighing]
- [grumbling]
- Good times, Luce.
Can't wait for next week!
- Ugh, as long as that fool
Tristan is on the show,
Lori and Leni are gonna
keep ruining it for me.
Hmm. But what if
he weren't on the show?
[laughs]
This emergency meeting
of the Young Morticians Club
is now called to order.
I have a favor to ask.
You guys watch "Vampires of
Melancholia," right?
- Uh, not since
Tristan's been on it.
- He's totally ruining it.
- The worst.
- He's awful.
- Gross.
- How would you like
to help me get rid of him?
Hi, I'm collecting signatures
to remove Blake Bradley
from "Vampires of Melancholia."
Would you sign?
Okay, pretty good, guys.
We got 45 signatures
and 15 pieces of candy
from people who thought
we were trick-or-treaters.
both: Goth perks.
- Okay, did everyone finish
their protest letters
to the studio?
- Mine's a poem. Should we take
these to the post office?
- No. That'll take too long.
I have a better idea.
You know what to do, Fangs.
And no biting.
This is it, Edwin.
Time to see
if our protests were heard.
both: Who's ready
for some "VOM"?
- Check out the shirts we made.
Team Tristan!
- Don't worry,
we made Team Edwin shirts
for you guys.
- Oh, uh, thanks.
- Great grub, Uncle Eddie,
but you got any garlic
for these fries?
- Garlic?
Are you serious?
- Guess that's a neg.
Hey, how about we burn off
these carbs
with a post-meal workout?
- What?! Or, instead of
a workout,
uh, how about we walk
along the misty,
slippery cliffs
of Melancholia?
- Mm, cardio.
This should be fun.
- Yes, it should.
- Dude, this mist is like
a built-in airbrush filter.
- Careful, Tristan,
the cliffs.
- It's cool, Uncle Eddie.
Just gotta take this self--
ahh!
both: What?!
Tristan! No!
- Oh, no. Not Tristan.
The horror.
- He was so young
and so cute.
- How could "VOM" do this?
Ah, sorry, Lucy. I literally
can't even deal right now!
[both sobbing]
We did it, Edwin.
Our voices were heard.
Should we celebrate with some
early Halloween candy?
- And now, an all-new episode
of "Vampires of Melancholia."
- Ah, blissful solitude
at last.
[sighs]
- Why does something
feel amiss?
No more selfies
or protein shakes
or dreaded bro hugs.
And yet, sigh.
I feel a twinge of remorse.
Yes, Tristan could be
a bit of a fool
and his home gym
did ruin my marble floors.
But he meant well.
After all, he just wanted
to spend time with...
family.
And I drove him to his demise.
- Gasp. And I am
a cold, selfish sister.
- Tristan, I'm sorry.
Forgive me, Tristan!
- Oh, Edwin, I know it's too
late to get Tristan back
But maybe it's not too late
for my sisters.
Lori? Leni?
I guess it is too late.
I blew it.
Sigh.
[door knob rattling]
- So Lisa wanted my used
tissues and--
- Gasp. Lori, Leni,
will you please watch "Vampires
of Melancholia" with me?
I know you probably
don't want to,
now that Tristan's gone.
The truth is, I just wanna hang
out with you guys.
- Of course we'll watch.
Tristan may have been the
reason we got into the show
but the reason we stayed is
because it's been so much fun
sharing it with you.
- Yeah!
In fact, we were
just at the store
getting vampire-themed
snacks for tonight.
I got garlic bread.
Is that right?
- Well, actually--never mind.
It's perfect.
Come on.
[all munching]
[knock at door]
- Who could that be?
A wandering traveler?
A door-to-door salesman?
[dramatic music]
[all gasping]
- What's up, Uncle Eddie?
- Tristan? You're back!But how?
- We crossed paths
in the underworld.
Bringing him back with me
was a snap.
Well, more of a bite.
- Yes, whoo!
- Yay, Tristan!
- Huh. Guess my protest didn't
affect the show after all.
I'm glad.
- Am I crazy or is Tristan
even cuter as a vampire?
- Well, the fangs do help.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
[alarm beeping]
- [snoring]
- [yawns]
Okay, Lincoln needs
his permission slip signed.
Lynn has soccer practice,
Luan's pig juggling seminar
is moved to next week, right.
Gotta feed the pets
and the humans
and get everyone out the door.
Come on, guys. I need to hear
feet on the floor!
[thudding]
You too, Lincoln.
[thud]
- Honey, can you proof this?
Sergei is letting me
create the menu this week
and I need to make
a good impression.
- Uh, "menu" doesn't have
a Y in it.
- Mm, are you sure?
Remember, it's a French word.
- Mom, I don't feel so good!
Blech! Ah.
- Oh, honey.
Are you getting sick?
- Nope, I just had one too many
earthworms. [laughs]
- Ahh! Oh!
- Aw, sweet.
You found my other skate.
Thanks, Mom.
- No problem.
[panting] Okay.
[explosion booms]
Lisa! What did you do?
- [coughing] Apologies.
Turns out my flea powder
is more potent than I realized.
- We have fleas? Oh, great!
- Mommy, my hose are bunching!
Ahh!
- No, I literally
need the hairspray.
Look at these cowlicks!
- But my bump is going flat!
- Girls, if you can't share it,
I get it.
[both gasp]
- Whoops. [chuckles]
I guess that was hair dye,
not hairspray,
which you totes pull off.
- [screams]
[tires screech]
Okay, high schoolers,
got everything you need?
Great, have a good day. Bye.
- Wait, I can't find
my whoopee cushion.
- I don't have time for--
[farting sound]
- Thanks, Mom!
Toot-a-loo!
[laughs]
- Uh.
- [gasps] Oh, Mom,
I forgot it's my turn
to bring the team snack
for practice.
- Uh...
[rooting in purse]
here's a half-eaten banana.
Just, you know, cut out
the brown parts.
♪ ♪
[bus horn honking]
[gasps]
Oh, no, I'm here. Officer--
- Ma'am, are you aware
that you're parked
in the bus zone?
- Oh. [chuckles]
I didn't even see that.
- Well, apparently,
there's a lot you don't see.
This is your 50th
parking violation.
- Oh, it can't be that many.
I mean, I know
I've gotten a few, but--
Oh, wow.
I'm so sorry.
You know, I'm shuttling
11 kids around
and sometimes I don't see
the parking signs.
Hey, isn't this
the time of year
you sell those police
fund-raising calendars?
- Yes, it is.
But I'm not sure
you can afford one because
you now owe the city
$2,000 in parking tickets.
- What? I can't
possibly pay that.
- Well, there is another
option.
- Giving me community service?
Just see what happens next time
when you call trying to sell
those calendars.
[chirping]
[upbeat, playful music]
♪ ♪
Maybe this won't be so bad.
♪ ♪
Huh, well,
that didn't take long.
Guess I have time to relax.
[sniffs] Ahh.
♪ ♪
[snoring]
Oh, is it already over?
[laughs] Too bad I only got
one day of community service.
[gasps]
[crashing]
- You really need to
watch where
you're parking, ma'am.
All right, that's gonna be--
- I'll just take
the community service.
Come on, guys I need to hear
feet on the floor.
[thudding]
You too, Lincoln.
[thud]
- Ugh, Mom, that vest
is a no.
- Honey, I have to wear this
for community service.
- Bogus! You're doing
that again?
- I'm sorry, kids. I've got
another ding dang ticket.
Believe me, I don't like this
any more than you do.
- Ohh, but I need you
to wash my uniform.
- And I can't find
my blue notebook.
- Who's gonna
French braid my hair?
- I need you to help me
steam clean my coffin
for show-and-tell.
- Poo-poo! Poo-poo!
- Guys, it's just one more day.
I'm sure between yourselves
and your father,
you can handle everything.
- Wait, what's that now?
- Bye! Have a good day!
♪ ♪
Uh, one chocolate
and one acorn.
Ah, another wonderful day.
Well, little guy,
this has been a nice break,
but I'm ready to go back home.
[smoke alarm blaring]
[overlapping chattering]
I'm not ready.
[thrilling music]
♪ ♪
[explosion booms]
Yep, made the right choice.
[slurping]
Ahh. Really, I'm doing my
family a favor.
I mean, another little break
and I'll be able
to handle anything
they throw my way.
Ugh, where is that cop already?
[overlapping arguing]
- Come on, buddy!
You're taking up two spots!
- Sorry,
I don't want to do this.
[sighs] Well, I can't
wait here all night.
There's more than one way
to get a ticket.
[seedy jazz music]
[siren chirps]
- So did you not see the sign?
You know, the one right above
that says no loitering!
- Oh, I thought it said
"no littering."
My bad.
- [sighs]
♪ ♪
Good boy, Charles!
[blows whistle]
[laughs]
♪ ♪
[blows whistle]
- Ma'am, ma'am,
what are you doing?
- Oh, no, Officer.
You got me. [laughs]
Just destroying
this old radio in public,
which I know is a crime.
[sighs] So I guess you'll have
to give me a ticket.
- That's not a crime.
- Oh, but it is.
Section 415 bylaw W:
"Willfully destroying
an old radio."
See?
I know I've said it before,
but this time I really mean it.
I'm finally ready
to go home.
Oh, now come on, buddy.
I can't really
take you home with me.
But I promise I'll come visit,
okay?
Hey, now.
Where does that go?
[cat screeches]
[crashing]
[screaming]
- Lana, stop!
You have to take a flea bath!
- No! These little guys
are my friends!
[dog barking]
- Hey, everyone. I'm back.
[overlapping chatter]
It's fine.
[doorbell dings]
[dramatic music]
- [gasps] Who called the po-po?
- Officer.
What are you doing here?
- I was filing my paperwork
and I realized
that you have had
12 violations in a week.
Which, according to bylaw 1227,
qualifies as a crime spree.
You're gonna have to
do some jail time.
all: Jail?!
- Well, now, now,
hang on a second, Officer.
I mean, you can't send someone
to jail for just
a few parking tickets.
- Oh, it's not just
parking tickets.
Public loitering,
failure to pick up
canine fecal matter,
willfully destroying a radio--
oh, I can go on.
[dramatic music]
I'll see you bright and early
tomorrow at the courthouse.
Don't make me come after you.
- Uh, honey, you wanna tell us
what's going on?
- Yeah, why didn't you
pick up Charles' poop?
That's the best part
of walking him.
- I'm sorry. Being at the park
was such a nice break,
I started getting tickets
on purpose.
- Aw, hon, if you needed a
break, you should've
just said something.
- Yeah, my teacher needs
a break all the time.
He just goes in the hallway
and screams
into an open locker,
then comes back.
It's no big deal.
- You guys are right.
I should've just
been honest with you.
I'm sorry I'm gonna be spending
more time away from you.
But don't worry,
I'll still find a way
to be your mom.
- Mom, can you help me
with my homework?
♪ ♪
- Uh, missing a comma
before "too".
- I wanna play with
the handcuffs!
- I saw them first!
- Hey, you two!
Knock it off!
- Hey, Mom!
Why is the prisoner's favorite
punctuation mark a period?
Because it marks
the end of a sentence.
[laughs]
Get it?
[both laughing]
- Mom, you gotta check out
my new batting stance.
Boom! Guaranteed homer.
- [laughs]
It looks great, Lynn.
- Mom, check out
my newest flea.
I call him Brad because he
lives in my pit. [laughs]
- Imagine this dress,
but in mauve.
- Uh, quick Q
about the water bill.
- Look how fast he is.
[overlapping chatter]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, kids.
One at a time.
- [chuckles]
Oh, it's fine, honey.
Actually, it's great.
I'm just so happy
to see all of you.
- We're glad
to see you too, Mom.
Even if it is through glass.
[overlapping chatter]
- Ahh!
[blows whistle]
[tires screech]
- Can you all just
keep it down, please?!
Ohh. [sighs]
Ma'am, you can go.
- What? Really?
- Yeah. Now I understand
why you needed a break.
If you ever need
some more time off,
just meet me
in the tow zone.
- I'll just save this cake
I baked for later. [chuckles]
- [yawns] What time is it?
Nine already?!
- Hi hon!
Enjoy your morning.
The kids and I got
ourselves up and ready today.
We're going to try
to do this more often.
Don't want my honey
going on the lam again.
[laughs] Ohh!
Honey on lamb!
We should have
that for dinner tonight.
Can you pick up some lamb?
Oh, no wait, I'll get it.
Love, Lynn.
- [sighs] I am one lucky gal.
[chittering]
Oh, hi!
I'll meet you outside
for coffee and acorn muffins.
[chittering]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪
♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪
♪ In the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house ♪
- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪
♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house ♪
♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪
♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪
♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪
♪ Never any privacy ♪
♪ Chaos with 11 kids ♪
♪ That's the way
it always is ♪
♪ In the Loud house ♪
the crowded halls ♪
♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪
♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪
♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪
♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪
♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪
- ♪ In the Loud house ♪
♪ In the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪
♪ Is how we show our love ♪
- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪
- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪
♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪
- ♪ Loud Loud Loud ♪
♪ Loud house ♪
- Poo-poo.
♪ ♪
[thunder rumbling]
- You're watching Fright TV.
Up next, the season premiere
of "Vampires of Melancholia."
- This is it, Edwin.
A whole new season
of our favorite show.
Can't wait to watch it.
Just you and me.
- Hey, Luce!
- Scoot over!
- Ah!
What are you doing here?
"The Dream Boat" is on
Monday nights, remember?
both: Duh! We're here
to watch "VOM"!
- First, please don't
call it that.
Second, you guys have never
been interested in my show.
Why are you--
both: [squealing]
There he is!
- Whoa, this place looks sick.
both: [screaming]
Blake Bradley!
- Who?
- Duh! Literally
the cutest actor ever.
- Didn't you know he was gonna
be a new character on "VOM"?
- Sigh. It's called--
- Yo, anybody home?
- [gasps] Why is he literally
so dreamy?
- Yikes! Who's that creepy guy?
- That's Edwin,
the main character.
- He-hey, Uncle Eddie!
- Tristan, my great-great-
great-great grandnephew.
This is a surprise.
- Lookin' good.
Are you sure you're really 300?
- What brings you
to Melancholia?
- Just thought I'd crash
at Casa Creepy for a while.
- Well, I must confess,
I am not really accustomed
to sharing my castle
with mortals.
- No worries, bro!
I can hang with anyone.
Now bring it in.
Bro hug!
- Ah, so gorge.
- You can just tell
he'd be a great boyfriend.
- What is happening?
- Sigh.
- Wait. Who's she?
- Griselda,
the other main character.
She's on a quest
to the underworld right now.
If you guys had
watched the show
from the beginning, you'd--
- Why are her teeth all pointy?
Wait, his teeth
are pointy, too.
- Because they're vampires.
- Tune in next week for more
"Vampires of Melancholia."
- Ah, that was literally
amazing.
- Totes! This is definitelygonna be
Lori, me, you and "VOM."
- [grinding teeth]
It's "Vampires of Melancholia"!
[sighs] I have to
put a stop to this.
- How excited are you
for tonight's episode?
- So excited! According to
rumors on social media,
Tristan's going to turn
a dungeon into a gym.
Tristan working out?
Can you even?
[both sigh]
- Ugh.
Let's hope this works, Edwin.
[takes deep breath]
Hey, guys, now that we're all,
um, "VOM" heads,
you have to join me in all of
the super fun pre-show rituals.
- Rituals?
- Yeah, the stuff we fans do
to get into vampire mode.
You guys are going
to love them.
[blade slices]
First, you have to
look the part
with a full vampire makeover.
- Ew! Do we have to
look so sickly?
- Well, it's a really important
part of watching the show.
But if you're not into it
and you'd rather
just go back to
watching "The Dream Boat"--
- Don't be ridiculous.
Come on, Leni,
it'll be good
contouring practice.
Look how much their
cheek bones pop.
- [gasps] Good point.
- [grumbles]
- Wait.
[door shuts]
- [screams]
- [hisses]
[laughs] Halloween leftovers!
- [laughs]
Look, I'm Tristan's
weird, old uncle.
- Next, you have to
see the world
from a vampire's perspective.
- Ugh, this is giving me
a migraine.
- Yeah, and I'm getting
a headache.
[gasps] Wait.
Is that my missing jelly sandal
under the couch?
[grunts]
Whoo-hoo!
- [gasps] And my missing ring!
- [gasps] And Lucy,
I found your creepy dolls!
- Give me those.
- We should def
do this every week.
We'll never lose anything
again.
- Sigh.
Next, you have to watch
the show as a vampire would,
in one of these.
- Uh, this provides
zero lumbar support.
- It's also really hard
on your back.
- I cannot spend
a whole hour in this.
- Wait, I know.
Decorative throw pillows!
They'll add support
and a little zhuzh.
- Ooh, and we can use the lid
to make a fun TV tray.
- Wait, there's still
one more ritual.
This is an absolute must.
Toasting every new episode
with a refreshing glass
of homemade blood.
[screaming]
- No!
I don't know if
I can handle this. [retches]
- I totally get that.
It's not easy being a fan
of this show.
I'll understand
if you guys wanna bail.
- Wait.
[whirring]
Beet smoothies!
They look just like blood,
but now they're delicious
and full of antioxidants.
Yay!
- Cheers!
- Sigh.
- Ooh, ooh!
It's starting.
♪ ♪
[slurping]
- My darling Griselda,
how I wish you were here
to help me endure
this visit
from my boorish nephew.
He actually asked me if I was
a boxers or briefs man.
[clattering]
Ahh!
- Uh! Oh, yeah!
Yo, Uncle Eddie.
Wanna play some cornhole?
- What happened to my castle?!
- I redecorated, bro.
Put some boom in your gloom.
And look, got you a lid
so we can match in the thatch!
Now how 'bout a selfie with
your favorite nephew?
- I told you, I don't show up
in these.
- Oh, right. My bad.
[both sighing]
- [grumbling]
- Good times, Luce.
Can't wait for next week!
- Ugh, as long as that fool
Tristan is on the show,
Lori and Leni are gonna
keep ruining it for me.
Hmm. But what if
he weren't on the show?
[laughs]
This emergency meeting
of the Young Morticians Club
is now called to order.
I have a favor to ask.
You guys watch "Vampires of
Melancholia," right?
- Uh, not since
Tristan's been on it.
- He's totally ruining it.
- The worst.
- He's awful.
- Gross.
- How would you like
to help me get rid of him?
Hi, I'm collecting signatures
to remove Blake Bradley
from "Vampires of Melancholia."
Would you sign?
Okay, pretty good, guys.
We got 45 signatures
and 15 pieces of candy
from people who thought
we were trick-or-treaters.
both: Goth perks.
- Okay, did everyone finish
their protest letters
to the studio?
- Mine's a poem. Should we take
these to the post office?
- No. That'll take too long.
I have a better idea.
You know what to do, Fangs.
And no biting.
This is it, Edwin.
Time to see
if our protests were heard.
both: Who's ready
for some "VOM"?
- Check out the shirts we made.
Team Tristan!
- Don't worry,
we made Team Edwin shirts
for you guys.
- Oh, uh, thanks.
- Great grub, Uncle Eddie,
but you got any garlic
for these fries?
- Garlic?
Are you serious?
- Guess that's a neg.
Hey, how about we burn off
these carbs
with a post-meal workout?
- What?! Or, instead of
a workout,
uh, how about we walk
along the misty,
slippery cliffs
of Melancholia?
- Mm, cardio.
This should be fun.
- Yes, it should.
- Dude, this mist is like
a built-in airbrush filter.
- Careful, Tristan,
the cliffs.
- It's cool, Uncle Eddie.
Just gotta take this self--
ahh!
both: What?!
Tristan! No!
- Oh, no. Not Tristan.
The horror.
- He was so young
and so cute.
- How could "VOM" do this?
Ah, sorry, Lucy. I literally
can't even deal right now!
[both sobbing]
We did it, Edwin.
Our voices were heard.
Should we celebrate with some
early Halloween candy?
- And now, an all-new episode
of "Vampires of Melancholia."
- Ah, blissful solitude
at last.
[sighs]
- Why does something
feel amiss?
No more selfies
or protein shakes
or dreaded bro hugs.
And yet, sigh.
I feel a twinge of remorse.
Yes, Tristan could be
a bit of a fool
and his home gym
did ruin my marble floors.
But he meant well.
After all, he just wanted
to spend time with...
family.
And I drove him to his demise.
- Gasp. And I am
a cold, selfish sister.
- Tristan, I'm sorry.
Forgive me, Tristan!
- Oh, Edwin, I know it's too
late to get Tristan back
But maybe it's not too late
for my sisters.
Lori? Leni?
I guess it is too late.
I blew it.
Sigh.
[door knob rattling]
- So Lisa wanted my used
tissues and--
- Gasp. Lori, Leni,
will you please watch "Vampires
of Melancholia" with me?
I know you probably
don't want to,
now that Tristan's gone.
The truth is, I just wanna hang
out with you guys.
- Of course we'll watch.
Tristan may have been the
reason we got into the show
but the reason we stayed is
because it's been so much fun
sharing it with you.
- Yeah!
In fact, we were
just at the store
getting vampire-themed
snacks for tonight.
I got garlic bread.
Is that right?
- Well, actually--never mind.
It's perfect.
Come on.
[all munching]
[knock at door]
- Who could that be?
A wandering traveler?
A door-to-door salesman?
[dramatic music]
[all gasping]
- What's up, Uncle Eddie?
- Tristan? You're back!But how?
- We crossed paths
in the underworld.
Bringing him back with me
was a snap.
Well, more of a bite.
- Yes, whoo!
- Yay, Tristan!
- Huh. Guess my protest didn't
affect the show after all.
I'm glad.
- Am I crazy or is Tristan
even cuter as a vampire?
- Well, the fangs do help.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
[alarm beeping]
- [snoring]
- [yawns]
Okay, Lincoln needs
his permission slip signed.
Lynn has soccer practice,
Luan's pig juggling seminar
is moved to next week, right.
Gotta feed the pets
and the humans
and get everyone out the door.
Come on, guys. I need to hear
feet on the floor!
[thudding]
You too, Lincoln.
[thud]
- Honey, can you proof this?
Sergei is letting me
create the menu this week
and I need to make
a good impression.
- Uh, "menu" doesn't have
a Y in it.
- Mm, are you sure?
Remember, it's a French word.
- Mom, I don't feel so good!
Blech! Ah.
- Oh, honey.
Are you getting sick?
- Nope, I just had one too many
earthworms. [laughs]
- Ahh! Oh!
- Aw, sweet.
You found my other skate.
Thanks, Mom.
- No problem.
[panting] Okay.
[explosion booms]
Lisa! What did you do?
- [coughing] Apologies.
Turns out my flea powder
is more potent than I realized.
- We have fleas? Oh, great!
- Mommy, my hose are bunching!
Ahh!
- No, I literally
need the hairspray.
Look at these cowlicks!
- But my bump is going flat!
- Girls, if you can't share it,
I get it.
[both gasp]
- Whoops. [chuckles]
I guess that was hair dye,
not hairspray,
which you totes pull off.
- [screams]
[tires screech]
Okay, high schoolers,
got everything you need?
Great, have a good day. Bye.
- Wait, I can't find
my whoopee cushion.
- I don't have time for--
[farting sound]
- Thanks, Mom!
Toot-a-loo!
[laughs]
- Uh.
- [gasps] Oh, Mom,
I forgot it's my turn
to bring the team snack
for practice.
- Uh...
[rooting in purse]
here's a half-eaten banana.
Just, you know, cut out
the brown parts.
♪ ♪
[bus horn honking]
[gasps]
Oh, no, I'm here. Officer--
- Ma'am, are you aware
that you're parked
in the bus zone?
- Oh. [chuckles]
I didn't even see that.
- Well, apparently,
there's a lot you don't see.
This is your 50th
parking violation.
- Oh, it can't be that many.
I mean, I know
I've gotten a few, but--
Oh, wow.
I'm so sorry.
You know, I'm shuttling
11 kids around
and sometimes I don't see
the parking signs.
Hey, isn't this
the time of year
you sell those police
fund-raising calendars?
- Yes, it is.
But I'm not sure
you can afford one because
you now owe the city
$2,000 in parking tickets.
- What? I can't
possibly pay that.
- Well, there is another
option.
- Giving me community service?
Just see what happens next time
when you call trying to sell
those calendars.
[chirping]
[upbeat, playful music]
♪ ♪
Maybe this won't be so bad.
♪ ♪
Huh, well,
that didn't take long.
Guess I have time to relax.
[sniffs] Ahh.
♪ ♪
[snoring]
Oh, is it already over?
[laughs] Too bad I only got
one day of community service.
[gasps]
[crashing]
- You really need to
watch where
you're parking, ma'am.
All right, that's gonna be--
- I'll just take
the community service.
Come on, guys I need to hear
feet on the floor.
[thudding]
You too, Lincoln.
[thud]
- Ugh, Mom, that vest
is a no.
- Honey, I have to wear this
for community service.
- Bogus! You're doing
that again?
- I'm sorry, kids. I've got
another ding dang ticket.
Believe me, I don't like this
any more than you do.
- Ohh, but I need you
to wash my uniform.
- And I can't find
my blue notebook.
- Who's gonna
French braid my hair?
- I need you to help me
steam clean my coffin
for show-and-tell.
- Poo-poo! Poo-poo!
- Guys, it's just one more day.
I'm sure between yourselves
and your father,
you can handle everything.
- Wait, what's that now?
- Bye! Have a good day!
♪ ♪
Uh, one chocolate
and one acorn.
Ah, another wonderful day.
Well, little guy,
this has been a nice break,
but I'm ready to go back home.
[smoke alarm blaring]
[overlapping chattering]
I'm not ready.
[thrilling music]
♪ ♪
[explosion booms]
Yep, made the right choice.
[slurping]
Ahh. Really, I'm doing my
family a favor.
I mean, another little break
and I'll be able
to handle anything
they throw my way.
Ugh, where is that cop already?
[overlapping arguing]
- Come on, buddy!
You're taking up two spots!
- Sorry,
I don't want to do this.
[sighs] Well, I can't
wait here all night.
There's more than one way
to get a ticket.
[seedy jazz music]
[siren chirps]
- So did you not see the sign?
You know, the one right above
that says no loitering!
- Oh, I thought it said
"no littering."
My bad.
- [sighs]
♪ ♪
Good boy, Charles!
[blows whistle]
[laughs]
♪ ♪
[blows whistle]
- Ma'am, ma'am,
what are you doing?
- Oh, no, Officer.
You got me. [laughs]
Just destroying
this old radio in public,
which I know is a crime.
[sighs] So I guess you'll have
to give me a ticket.
- That's not a crime.
- Oh, but it is.
Section 415 bylaw W:
"Willfully destroying
an old radio."
See?
I know I've said it before,
but this time I really mean it.
I'm finally ready
to go home.
Oh, now come on, buddy.
I can't really
take you home with me.
But I promise I'll come visit,
okay?
Hey, now.
Where does that go?
[cat screeches]
[crashing]
[screaming]
- Lana, stop!
You have to take a flea bath!
- No! These little guys
are my friends!
[dog barking]
- Hey, everyone. I'm back.
[overlapping chatter]
It's fine.
[doorbell dings]
[dramatic music]
- [gasps] Who called the po-po?
- Officer.
What are you doing here?
- I was filing my paperwork
and I realized
that you have had
12 violations in a week.
Which, according to bylaw 1227,
qualifies as a crime spree.
You're gonna have to
do some jail time.
all: Jail?!
- Well, now, now,
hang on a second, Officer.
I mean, you can't send someone
to jail for just
a few parking tickets.
- Oh, it's not just
parking tickets.
Public loitering,
failure to pick up
canine fecal matter,
willfully destroying a radio--
oh, I can go on.
[dramatic music]
I'll see you bright and early
tomorrow at the courthouse.
Don't make me come after you.
- Uh, honey, you wanna tell us
what's going on?
- Yeah, why didn't you
pick up Charles' poop?
That's the best part
of walking him.
- I'm sorry. Being at the park
was such a nice break,
I started getting tickets
on purpose.
- Aw, hon, if you needed a
break, you should've
just said something.
- Yeah, my teacher needs
a break all the time.
He just goes in the hallway
and screams
into an open locker,
then comes back.
It's no big deal.
- You guys are right.
I should've just
been honest with you.
I'm sorry I'm gonna be spending
more time away from you.
But don't worry,
I'll still find a way
to be your mom.
- Mom, can you help me
with my homework?
♪ ♪
- Uh, missing a comma
before "too".
- I wanna play with
the handcuffs!
- I saw them first!
- Hey, you two!
Knock it off!
- Hey, Mom!
Why is the prisoner's favorite
punctuation mark a period?
Because it marks
the end of a sentence.
[laughs]
Get it?
[both laughing]
- Mom, you gotta check out
my new batting stance.
Boom! Guaranteed homer.
- [laughs]
It looks great, Lynn.
- Mom, check out
my newest flea.
I call him Brad because he
lives in my pit. [laughs]
- Imagine this dress,
but in mauve.
- Uh, quick Q
about the water bill.
- Look how fast he is.
[overlapping chatter]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, kids.
One at a time.
- [chuckles]
Oh, it's fine, honey.
Actually, it's great.
I'm just so happy
to see all of you.
- We're glad
to see you too, Mom.
Even if it is through glass.
[overlapping chatter]
- Ahh!
[blows whistle]
[tires screech]
- Can you all just
keep it down, please?!
Ohh. [sighs]
Ma'am, you can go.
- What? Really?
- Yeah. Now I understand
why you needed a break.
If you ever need
some more time off,
just meet me
in the tow zone.
- I'll just save this cake
I baked for later. [chuckles]
- [yawns] What time is it?
Nine already?!
- Hi hon!
Enjoy your morning.
The kids and I got
ourselves up and ready today.
We're going to try
to do this more often.
Don't want my honey
going on the lam again.
[laughs] Ohh!
Honey on lamb!
We should have
that for dinner tonight.
Can you pick up some lamb?
Oh, no wait, I'll get it.
Love, Lynn.
- [sighs] I am one lucky gal.
[chittering]
Oh, hi!
I'll meet you outside
for coffee and acorn muffins.
[chittering]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪
♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪
♪ In the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house ♪
- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪
♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house ♪
♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪
♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪
♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪
♪ Never any privacy ♪
♪ Chaos with 11 kids ♪
♪ That's the way
it always is ♪
♪ In the Loud house ♪