The Loud House (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - City Slickers/Fool Me Twice - full transcript

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪



- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

[folksy whistling]

♪ ♪

[repeated splats]

- Ahh, you ready, honey?

- Hup, hup. Not yet!

Hup, hup, hup.

Okay, now I'm ready.

[tires squeal]
- Wow, honey.

I know you always you have
superstitious rituals



before a tryout,
but they seem more,

mmmm, intense than usual today.

- Can't take any chances.

It's for my FLIBBR.

- Your what?
- FLIBBR!

It stands for Football,
Lacrosse, Ice Hockey, Baseball,

Basketball, & Roller Derby!

I've won a championship
for each sport

except for
basketball.

That's why it's really
important

that I kill it
at tryouts today.

So I can get on the best team,
win the title

and get my missing B.

- Aw, that's great, honey.
Those are all temporary, right?

- Dad, don't take Elm!
It's unlucky!

- [yelps]
[tires screech]

- Hello new players, and welcome
to the annual Royal Woods Girls

Basketball League tryouts!

This year we have five teams
with open spots

on their
rosters:

The Abscessed Molars, sponsored
by Dr. Feinstein--

The Garlic Nets, sponsored
by Gus' Games and Grub--

The Belchin' Ballers, sponsored
by the Burpin' Burger--

[belch]

The Turkey Jerkies, sponsored
by Flip's Food and Fuel--

- Ooh!

- [screams]
- [yawns]

- And the Brie Throwers,

sponsored by Jean Juan's
French Mex Buffet...

you didn't have to bring your
trophies, guys.

[together] Oh, did we
bring our trophies?

- Daaaaang!

Best uniforms, best name,
most trophies--

that's my team!

- Let's start the draft!

The lowest-ranked team
will have first pick.

So... Flip! Who's your pick?

- Hey, zebra stripes!

Can't ya see I'm busy
makin' money over here?

- Oh, no. Please don't pick me.

- Ehh, whatever, I'll
take Lincoln's sister.

Now leave me alone!

- [gasps] No!

- [snoring]

- Hey! No napping
on the court, Maya!

Ow!

- Hi Mom... yes, I'm wearing
my mouth guard.

- Got it.
- Ugh!

- Sorry, my palms sweat
when I get nervous.

- Okay, this is bad. But I am
not giving up on ya, FLIBBR!

- All right, guys,
take a knee!

- Uh, I can't take a knee.

- Eh, fine, Paula,
you can stand.

Do you guys like being
in last place?

- [yawns] No.

- Well, then I say let's start
winning some games!

- [garbled speech]

- What?

- I said, but we're
not very good...

- You're not good now,

but once Coach Lynn gets
through with you guys,

you're gonna be lean, mean,
dunking machines.

Now let's get to work!

[all yelp]

Okay, change of plans:

as soon as you get
the ball, throw it to me.

[buzzer blares]

[blasts whistle]

[lively music]

Yes!

♪ ♪

Yes!

- So sweaty.

♪ ♪

- Yes!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

We did it! We won a game

Ha! Doesn't it feel good?

- It would feel better if
we got to play more.

- Guys, guys, guys, you're
missing the big picture here.

- A win is a win,
no matter who's playing.

[all grumbling]

- Come on, Maya, you don't want
to spend the night here again.

[buzzer blares]

- All right, Turkey Jerkies!

Same strategy as last time!

- Okay.
- Fine.

[whistles]

- Hey, I got it!

- Amy, over here!

- [sighs] Fun while it lasted.

♪ ♪

- Yeah, yeah! That's the stuff!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- Paula, hit me!

♪ ♪

- Yuh!

Huh!

- Lynn, I'm wide open!

- Uh... I can do this.

[grunts]

Sorry I couldn't
pull out the win.

They figured out our strategy.

- Well, since it didn't work,

maybe we should all
get to play now.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's not go crazy.

We still want to win, right?

Just give me a moment
to think.

[phone rings]
- Hi, Mom.

- Ugh! Amy!
Turn off your dang ringer!

- Got to go.

- [gasps] Wait! That's it!

- Eh, what the heck's a ringer?

- Another really
great player.

I can't carry the whole team,
but if we snag a few,

the Turkey Jerkies can
win the championship!

- Pfff. Championship?

I'm only in this
to sell Flippees!

Win, lose, who gives a hoot?

People are still
gonna be thirsty.

- Flip, Flip, Flip.

You gotta think bigger.

Sure, you can sell some
Flippees at the games.

But what about when
the season's over?

Think how many more Flippees
you'll sell when you have

a big banner on your store
that says,

"Flip's: Home
of the Champions." Eh?

- Ohhh, you're painting,
a might pretty picture.

I'm in! But I'm not
paying for the banner.

- Eh, fine. Let's go
find some ringers.

[motor roaring]

[tires screech]
Too old.

[tires screech]
Too young.

[tires screech]
Too rough.

- Hey, Flip!
- You know that guy?

- Nope!

[engine roars]

[tires screech]
- Too sad.

[tires screech]
Too canine.

W-w-wait, pull over there!

[tires screech]

[lively music]

♪ ♪

Sweet Lou Dunbar!

Hey, you guys are amazing!

How would you like to play in
the Royal Woods Girls' League?

- We'd love to, but we can't.

We don't live in Royal Woods.
both: Huh?

- You're in Beaverton.

Royal Woods ends at
that sign over there.

[bell dings]

- Oh, does it now?

Problem solved!

[siren blips]

- Step away from
the sign, sir.

- Yeah, I'll just file this
with all my other tickets.

Welp, I'm taking you
home, junior.

Sorry we didn't
find your ringers.

- But we did find them.

We just gotta find a way
for them to play.

Maybe they and their families
could move into your garage.

- Ehhhh, I don't know, kid,

I don't really like people.

- Aw, it's only for
a little while.

And think of all
the Flippees you'll sell.

- Hmmm. Okay. I'm in.

But I'm not paying
for their hot water.

- Hey, guys,

say hello to your
new teammates,

Megan and Morgan.

- Uh, why do we need
new teammates?

- [chuckles] Oh, you'll see.

[buzzer blares]

[lively whistling]

♪ ♪

Yes! Nice hustle!

♪ ♪

Guys, I'm open!

Uh, a little teamwork, dudes?

[cheers and applause]

Here! I'm wide open, man!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

[groans]

♪ ♪

What gives? You two were
supposed to join the team,

not be the team.

- Relax, Loud.

A win is a win,
no matter who's playing.

[reflective tone]

Everyone take a knee.

Paula, you can stand.

I owe you an apology.

I treated you all like crud.

This is supposed to be
about having fun,

but I totally blew it by
focusing on the win.

So listen, I want to make it
up to you guys.

At the next game,

everyone gets to play
an equal amount.

- Are you sure?

The next game is
the championship.

What about your FLABBER?

- It's FLIBBR,

and it's not important anymore.

Being a true champion isn't
about winning a trophy.

It's about treating your
teammates with respect.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What about all my
Flippee sales?

- Flip, Flip, Flip,

you're not looking
at the big picture.

Sure, you'll sell some Flippees
being "Home of the Champions,"

but think about how many more
you'll sell as

"Champion of the Underdogs."

Eh?

- Oooh, yeah, there are a lot
of underdogs in this area.

I'm in!

- Well, we are out.

We came to win.

- Well, fine then, your parents

can just leave a check for the
room and board in the garage.

[both scoff]

- Well, it was worth a shot.

[buzzer blares]

- Welcome to the Royal Woods'

Girls' Basketball
League Championship!

We've got Jean Juan's
Brie Throwers

versus Flip's Food and Fuel's
Turkey Jerkies.

Some names, don't
you think Pep?

- My name's Pep;
who am I to judge?

- There's the ref.
And the whistle.

And here's the tip-off!

Turkey Jerkies take the ball
and easily run it up the court!

The Jerkies pass it around,
back to Lynn Loud

who runs it forward.

But the Brie
Throwers are on her!

- Paula!
Lynn passes to Paula,

who nails it!

Oh! It's off the rim!

Ow! Ooh!

- That's okay,
good hustle, Paula!

- Ouch! She is going to feel
that tomorrow, huh Pep?

- I don't feel
anything anymore.

[upbeat music]

- Nice try, Amy!
You almost had it!

- Diane dribbles up court--

passes to Maya,
who takes a shot!

Oh, it's rolling around!

Ooh, Paula taps it in
from below!

- Aw, crutch play, Paula!

- Diane and Amy run the ball
up court.

- Amy! I'm open! I'm open!

She passes it to Lynn-- Lynn
Loud with the ball alley-oop!

[cheers and applause]

The Jerkies are really
hustling out there.

But will it be enough, Pep?
Will it be enough?

- Ooh. Don't spoil it for me.

- Lynn's got the ball--
- Maya, catch!

- Maya's got it--

- [yawns]

- Oop, getting sleepy there.

Making herself comfortable.

- Maya, wake up!
Clock's running out!

- [snorts]
- Maya wakes up!

Maya's on the move, but
the Brie Throwers are on her.

And with time running out,
the Jerkies gotta make a move!

[buzzer blares]
[all cheering]

Well, Pep, in our 20 years
of calling games,

I don't think we've ever
seen anything like that.

- Has it only been only 20?

Feels like a thousand.

- What are you celebrating for?

You just got creamed--
50 to 12.

- We don't care.
We all got to play!

- Thanks to Lynn!

[together] Lynn! Lynn!

Oof!

- Great job, team!
One free Flippee for all of ya!

[together] Yeah!

- Seriously, dude?

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[both panting]

- Oh, somebody's in a hurry
to get to the bathroom, heh.

- I have an early
root canal at work.

- Well, I have to get
to my fish guy

before the good stuff's gone.

[both straining]

- I'll just be a minute.
- I'll be in and out.

[dramatic sting]

[all groaning]
[banging door]

- Leni! What is
taking so long?!

- Something's wrong
with this mirror!

- [sighs]

- O-M-gosh, how embarrassing!

- Don't worry about it, Leni.

- This chin hair is like
three inches long!

- Lynn, could we cut in front
of you? We're running late.

- You know the rules.
We all got to wait our turn.

Besides, I won a hot dog
eating contest yesterday

and those puppies are
barkin' to be let out.

[somber tone]

[both whimpering]

- Ugh! Why do we have
to live like this?!

- If you're in a hurry,
you should do what I do--

use the second bathroom.

- What second bathroom?

- Old Sloshie.

- Uh, no thanks!
- Oh, I'm good!

- Suit yourself.

- Wai-wai-wai-wait,
maybe she's onto something.

What if we did put in
a second bathroom?!

One that's just for us!

I mean, come on. We're adults.
We deserve it!

- Um, no, that'll never work.

The kids will
just take it over.

Remember when we got
that adjustable bed,

"just for us"?

- And liftoff!

[all cheering]

[crash]

- I'm okay!

- Yeah, you're right.

But what if they
didn't know about it?

We could build it in
the basement! Or the attic!

- Or our closet!

both: Oooooh!

- Wait. We're talking about
lying to our own children.

Do we really
wanna do that?

[toilet flushes]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

both: Yes, we do.

[light mysterious music]

♪ ♪

- Miguel and Todd are
literally so annoying.

- I feel an eerie presence.

Time to rev up my
ghost containment device!

- Ooh, you guys watching"ARRGH"?

[Giggles] Fun. But how
can you even hear it?

[music blasting]

- Mother! That's too loud!

It's aggravating my tinnitus!

[muffled music continues]

[banging]

[cement clinking]

- Hey, Dad!
- [yelps]

- Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah.

Just a little stiff
in the joints, haha.

Not getting any younger.

- Oh-ho-ho-ho! You just need
an adjustment. Come here.

- No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, I can, uh,

I can walk it off.

[straining]

Whew.

[light suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[exhales]

[metal clanking]

- Dad! It sounds like
you're getting worse--

you've got to let me help you!

- Nahhh! No, no, no, no.

I'm just dehydrated.

[gulps]

[spits]

See? Much better.

[clanking]

- [snoring]

- Hey, Lunes, let's
jam-a-lama-dingdong!

[clanging]

- [groans]

Pops, I'm trying
to catch some z's.

I got school tomorrow.

- Come on, which is
more important?

School or rock and roll?

- Well, when you put it
that way...

[jamming]

- Have you guys
lost your minds?

- Mommy, Daddy, I had
a nightmare.

I wanna sleep in your bed.

- What do we do?!
- I got this!

Oof! I'm okay.

- Let me in!
What are you doing in there?!

- Hey.
- [shrieks]

- You need to sleep in
your own bed, honey.

- How did you get out here?

And why are you
wearing that weird hat?

- Shh. It's all a dream.

- Okay, guys, let's go
through this one more time.

Sammie and Whitney, you need
to finish the plumbing hook-up

so Kevin can close up the wall.

Mike, you tie-in
to the junction box

while Karla primes
the ceiling.

Everybody good?

- I call the TV remote!
- No way!

- [screams] The kids!

- No, I called dibs
on the remote.

- Kids! Hey! What are you doing
home from school so early?

- Ask Lisa.

- Psh! One little
nuclear accident

and everybody
overreacts!

- What's going on here?

- It's our, uh, uh,
new book club.

- "The Itsy Bitsy Spider"?

What's to discuss
about a spider

who's washed down a spout
then goes back up again?

- Shhh! Lisa! Spoiler!

I can't believe we
pulled this off.

- Me neither.

[pleasant music]

♪ ♪

Ahh, no filthy bathtub ring.

No banging on the door.

This must be what
heaven's like.

- I'm doing a crossword puzzle
on the toilet

just 'cause I can.

I am so glad we did this!

- Me, too, honey.
And it's all ours.

- Come on, kids,
we're running late!

- Everybody out!
Let's go, let's go!

- Wait a minute.
Where's Lana?

- I'll get her.

- [sighs] Where'd it go?!

- Lana, what are you doing?

- I can't find my lucky
chicken bone!

- A, that's literally gross,

B, you're gonna make
everyone late.

[light suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[coughs]

- Dr. Feinstein gave us
new toothbrushes

as a bathroom-warming
present.

Wasn't that thoughtful?

- Honey! Secret-bathroom voice!

- Oh, right. Whoops!

[dramatic sting]

Lynn!
- What's wrong?!

- Look what I found
on the floor:

Lana's lucky chicken bone!

- A, that's gross.

B, it means they're on to us!

They've been sneaking in
here behind our backs!

- Fine. Our secret bathroom
may not be a secret anymore,

but it's still ours!

We'll just have to lay down
the law with them!

- Absolutely!

Sorry, guys, but you
can't use the new--

[overlapping shouts]

- On second thought...

- Yeah.

I've got a better idea:
security measures!

That'll show those
little sneaks.

[purring]

[gasps]
Rita!

Look at this!

- Must be Lynn. She's
always way too aggressive

with the roll.

But how did she get in?

- Those kids are like master
safe crackers.

What was I thinking,
just using one lock?

[banging door]
- Dad!

We're gonna be late for school!

- Uh, just a second, buddy.

Let's see 'em get past that.

[fly buzzing]

[slurps]

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

- Dang it!
- Lincoln!

That kid always forgets
to put the seat up.

- Let's face it, honey.
They win.

- No way!

- What else can we do?

Your security measures
obviously aren't working.

- Maybe not, but I'm
just getting started.

There is no way they
can get past this.

Surveillance camera, motion
sensor and check this out...

Lasers, Rita! Lasers!

And just in case
they do get in,

I've installed a security panel
on the inside.

- System lock engaged.

- So they won't get out.

We'll catch them with
their pants down!

So to speak.

[laughter]

- How's the water
pressure, honey?

- Great! I'm loving
waterfall mode!

- Whoops!
Forgot about my kid trap.

[blip]

Uh, hon, do you
remember the door code?

- Uh, uh-uh. You said it was
one of the kids' birthdays.

- I know, but which kid?

[blip]

"Too many password attempts.
Access blocked?"

Rita, I need your help.
I locked us in!

- What?! Hold on!

[clank]

Um, Lynn?

[suspenseful music]

- Wow, you weren't kidding
about that water pressure.

- Maybe I can pry the door
open with this toothbrush!

[grunts]

Oh, thanks for nothing,
Feinstein!

Honey, wait! Don't forget
we wired the vents!

[zap]
- [yelps]

Dang it! Forgot about
that security measure.

- What are we gonna do?

- Laurie!
- Help!

- Lisa! Help!

- What's going on?
- Help!

[stampeding]

- Mom? Pops?
- Help! We're locked in!

- What are you doing
in your closet?

- Probably just hangin'.[laughs]

- Uh, why the preponderance
of security devices?

- Never mind that!
Just get us out!

Break the door down
if you have to!

- Now you're talking!

Gangway!

For honor! [screams]

[rumbling]

[screaming]

- Why is there water
in your closet?

- Why is there a bathroom
in your closet?

- Uh, you--you didn't
know about it?

- No.
- Why would we?

- This is weird.

- Uh, care to explain?

- We didn't want to wait
in line anymore

so we built our own bathroom

and we kept it a secret
from you guys.

Which was wrong.

- Yeah, we're always telling
you kids to be patient

and wait your turn,

and here we cheated the system

and put ourselves first.

[sighs] We're really sorry.

- To make it up to you,

you guys can use
the new bathroom anytime.

- Too bad there isn't much of
a bathroom to use anymore.

- Naw, you can fix it.

You just need a new
subfloor and new tiling...

[crash]
And a total re-pipe.

- Ah, there's no money left!

I spent it all on
the security system.

[both whimper]

- Don't be sad.

You can still share
the upstairs bathroom with us.

Right, guys?

- Even if we are going back
to one bathroom,

we sure have some ding-dang
terrific kids.

[both panting]

- Fish market emergency?

- Nope.
I just really have to go.

- Hey, Pops.
- Ah, there's no time!

[groaning]

Lana!
Where's Old Sloshie?!

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house ♪

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take
a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with 11 kids ♪

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.