The Loud House (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Fandom Pains/Rita Her Rights - full transcript

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪



- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

[cheerful music]

♪ ♪

- Ahhhhh!

- [panting]

- [screaming]

- [groans]

- Man, I hate gym class.

- And the worst part is
class hasn't even started yet.

[whistle blows]



- Okay, now that you're
warmed up, let's begin.

- Coach, any chance we can play
with the parachute today?

- I don't think
he heard you, Zach.

Ask him again.

[whistle blows]
- Line up!

Today you'll be running
the obstacle course.

[ominous music]

- Is it legal to have barbed
wire in school?

- You're first, miss mouthy.

[whistle blows]

[all groaning]

- Rope burn!

- Suck it up, Spokes!

No one leaves till each
and every one of you runts

finishes this course.

- Good morning,
Coach Pacowski.

- Uh...
[stammers]

Hello, Mrs. Johnson.

[groans]

[groans]

[harp music]

- Coach, can we stop?
My toenail fell off.

- Huh? Yeah, sure.

Class dismissed.
You all get As.

- Can someone open my locker?

My rope burn is serious.

- Man, gym class
was brutal today.

- Yeah, good thing
Mrs. Johnson came by

before we got
to the barbed wire.

- Coach sure is sweet on her,
ain't he?

- Can you imagine if Coach
and Mrs. Johnson were a couple?

Gym class would be
way less painful.

- It'd be nonstop
parachute time.

- Hmm. I think you guys
are on to something.

What if we could
make them a couple?

- Now how in tarnation
would we do that?

- Leave it to me.

So my friend
really likes this girl.

- [gasps]
OMG!

You're talking
about yourself, aren't you?

Who's the girl?
- No, no, it's not me.

So he likes her, but I'm not
sure if she's into him.

- Ooh, have Clyde
ask her for you.

- It's not me!
Can you focus, please?

Now, how do I get her to be
interested in him too?

- I'm sure she'll be interested
in you, Lincoln.

You're so great!

- Lori, I swear I will
walk out of this room

and go ask Lola.

- Fine, I'll help you
with your "friend."

All you have to do
is talk him up

when you know this girl
is listening.

Make him seem
like a real catch.

- That's great advice.
Thanks.

Clyde, do you read me?

- Loud and clear, Lincoln.
How'd it go with Lori?

- It went great.
I knew she'd have the answer.

But I could really
use your help.

- I'm your man.

[bell rings]

[sneaky music]

- So Lori says the first step

is to talk up
Coach's good points.

- Got it. Wait.
What good points?

- That's what we're here
to find out.

♪ ♪

- What the heck?
I just stacked these.

♪ ♪

- A medical book.

Wow, Coach must be studying
to become a doctor.

- That'll be helpful since he
injures so many of us in class.

- More importantly, it's really
going to impress Mrs. J.

- Check out the world traveler.

Mrs. J is gonna love that.

[phone rings]

- Go for Pacowski.

Hey, hey, thanks for
calling me back, Sal.

I need to talk to you
about a part for my boat.

both: He has a boat?

- Clyde, you'll never believe
what I found out today.

Did you know Coach P is
studying to be a doctor?

- No way, Lincoln!

I'm surprised
he has the time,

what with all the world
traveling he does on his boat.

- A boat, you say?

- Yeah, I heard he just ordered

a new part for it.

- Wow, I never realized
what a catch Coach is.

How has he managed
to stay single all these years?

- I guess he's too modest
to toot his own horn.

- You mean,
the one on his boat?

[both chuckle]

- Okay, so I followed
your advice,

and now the girl seems
interested in my friend.

What's the next step?

- Uh, duh,
you ask her out.

You literally have
the green light, Romeo.

- Ugh, Lori, it's not me!

- Fine, tell your "friend"

he literally
has the green light.

How long do you want
to play this game, Lincoln?

- [sighs]

- Man, I really feel bad
for Mrs. Johnson.

National Ask a Teacher Out Day,
and no one has asked her out.

- Huh, I wonder why Mr. Wolfson
hasn't made a move.

- Eh, she'd never go
for a humanities teacher.

She's more into
the athletic type.

You know, guys who are
tough on kids

and stern authoritarians.

And if they like to blow
whistles, even better.

- Yes, he took the bait!

- Yeah, but he can't
ask her out looking like that.

[mischievous music]

♪ ♪

- [gurgling]

- Oopsie. Here, let me
neatly comb that for you.

- [groaning]
- Sorry.

Here, I happen to have a fresh
shirt with no pit stains.

- Gosh, what am I going to do

with this romantic
bouquet of flowers?

I'm allergic.

- Give me those!

- Well, hello, Coach.

Oh, are those for me?

- They--they are indeed.

Agnes, I was wondering
if you'd like

to have dinner
with me tonight.

- Well, I guess I could
skip my hot yoga class.

You're on.

- What are you all
looking at?

Back to work!

I, uh, I can't help it.

I'm just a stern authoritarian
kind of guy.

[blows whistle]

- Well, Clyde, if everything

went according
to plan last night,

today's gym class
should be all about...

both: The parachute!
- We did it, buddy.

- Remember this moment.

[all cheering]

- Lincoln, you're a hero!

- It wasn't just me.

It was a team effort
by Clincoln McCloud.

all: Clincoln McCloud!
Clincoln McCloud!

- So where's Coach?

- Probably on the phone
planning his wedding.

[somber music]

- Wow, all the best venues
must be booked.

- I think it's worse
than that, Clyde.

- You're right, he looks like
my Nana after she loses Bingo.

Bingo's her dog,
not the game.

- Hey, Coach,
how you doing?

- Just great.
My love life is in the toilet,

and I'm going to be alone
forever.

- How could that be?

We saw you ask out
Mrs. Johnson the other day.

She seemed thrilled.

- Well, that didn't last long.

Everything about me
seemed to disappoint her.

- Uh, what do you mean?

- Well, for some reason
she thought I had a yacht,

and when I told her I just live
on a houseboat with my mom,

she looked like my Uncle Bill
when he loses Checkers.

That's his cat,
not the game.

And she was less than enthused
when she found out

I'm not some
big world traveler.

- You're not?

Er, uh, I was just looking
at those pictures on your wall.

- Those are from
that new mini golf course

out by the airport,
Hole-In-Wonders of the World.

I've never left Michigan
in my life.

- She must have perked up
when she found out

you're in med school.

Uh, er, uh, I just--

I saw that book on your desk.

- This? I checked it
out of the library.

I'm trying to figure out
what the heck is going on here.

[both gasp]

- Yeah, that's the same
reaction Agnes had at dinner.

[sighs]
Boys, I need to be alone.

Go play with the parachute

for the rest of
the school year, okay?

- Uh, Coach,

there's something
we need to tell you.

So you see,
because of us,

Mrs. Johnson had all
the wrong ideas about you.

That's the reason
your date bombed.

It wasn't anything you did.

- Though the foot rash
didn't help.

- We're sorry.

We never should have meddled
in your personal life.

- But please don't give up on
love because of us.

As my dads always say,
there's a lid for every jar,

and I know there's
a lid out there for you.

Or a jar. I'm not sure which
one you are in this situation.

- Well, thank you for
coming clean, boys.

I appreciate your honesty.

- You do? So you're
not gonna punish us?

- Oh, I'm not gonna
punish you.

I am gonna tear you
limb from limb!

[both scream]

all: Clincoln McCloud!

[both scream]

Clincoln McCloud!
Clincoln McCloud!

[both grunting, screaming]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Ahhh!

[groans]

♪ ♪

[both scream]

♪ ♪

- [groans]
Ow.

- Coach, are you okay?

- I already scraped
the barnacles, Ma.

- Well, now that's
quite a goose egg, Coach.

Jeez, how'd you do that?

- Uh, well, uh, I, uh--

- He was just showing us
the best way

to run the obstacle course.

- Maybe you should stick
to something

a little less strenuous, eh?

Like, um, mini golf.
Now that's my game.

- Wait, you--you like
mini golf, Nurse Patty?

- Like it?
You're talking to

the Royal Woods
mini golf queen.

- [chuckles]
Well, you're talking to

the Royal Woods
mini golf king.

- Oh, well, I'll believe that
when I see it.

- Hey, how 'bout a round
of golf with me tonight?

- Oh, I'm in.

Loser buys corndogs
and pop at the snack shack.

- Deal!

- Looks like Coach
found his lid.

Or his jar.
Still not sure.

- Which means a whole lot
of parachute time for us.

- Remember this moment.

- All right, class, I'm gonna
break it down for you.

I had a lousy date last night,

and I'm not in a good mood.

So it's pop quiz time.
[all groan]

Pull out a sheet of paper
and number it one to ten.

Question one, your mom's
houseboat counts as a boat.

True or false?

- Hey, Lori, listen,
I've got another friend

who needs my dating help.

No, it's not me!

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- Guess who I bumped into
on the way to the optometrist.

Everyone.
[laughter]

What did the bald man say when
he got a comb for his birthday?

I'll never part with it.

[laughter]

- Ohh.

- There go
Bernie's teeth again.

- How 'bout that talent, eh?
That's my granddaughter.

- Thank you.
Well, this is my stop.

So I "moustache" you
to excuse me.

[laughter, horn toots]

- What's that all about?

- Oh, that's my new gig.

I'm the entertainer
on the Giggling Geezer.

- Giggling Geezer?

- The bus Sunset Canyon uses

to take the seniors
on day trips.

Do you realize
what this means?

Today the Giggling Geezer,

tomorrow
the Royal Woods Theater.

- Tomorrow?
Can we still get tickets?

- No, not tomorrow, tomorrow.

Someday tomorrow.

I hope to be the youngest
person to ever perform there.

- Well, congratulations.

Keep reaching for those dreams.

- Aww, thanks.
You're so supportive.

- The more success she has,

the less time she has
to prank us.

- Ah.
[flatulence noise]

Yeah, she still has time.

- [gasps]

Lucy, what are you
doing on the stairs?

- Sigh.
I submitted my best poem

to "The Transylvania Review."

They didn't want it.

I must not have
what it takes to be a poet.

- Your first
rejection letter, huh?

Well, step into my office.
I want to show you something.

These are
my rejection letters.

- It's like a coffin
for your dreams.

- It's just part
of the creative life.

You can't expect to shoot
to the top right away.

When I was your age, I had
to start at the bottom.

Performing for
our pets' birthdays.

What did the Dalmatian say
after eating a snack?

That hit the spot.

- [whimpers]

- Wow, rough crowd.
[liquid spattering]

Dang it, Charles.

It was a long time
before I was ready

to try my act out
in public.

[laughs]
Good one, Mr. Coconuts.

You bowl me over.

Guess that one landed
in the gutter, toots.

[laughs, crowd booing]

Ah, curly fries!

Even then, I still had
a lot to learn about comedy.

So I enrolled
in a clowning academy.

[nose squeaks,
electricity crackles]

[laughs]

Finally after paying my dues,

I was ready to build
my own business.

How do turtles
talk to each other?

On their shell phones.

[laughter and applause]

[harp music]

Just be patient
and keep trying.

And no matter
how hard it gets,

remember, you always have
a sister who knows

you're spec-tacular!

- I feel a lot better.

You know so much, Luan.

Maybe you could help me
become a successful poet.

- I suppose I could
"stanza" to do that.

After all, I am well versed
in mentoring.

We'd make quite a couplet.

[both laugh]

Okay, so your first step

is to sharpen
your skills at home.

- Fresh tuna shrouded
in a cold beet sauce

and laid to rest
on a bed of pineapple.

Great job, Lucy.

This is the perfect update
to the Aloha Comrade menu.

I was just gonna say
"fish in sauce."

- "Looking for an outfit
that'll knock them dead?

"This black sequin gown
shimmers like the eyes

of a hundred vampires
on a moonless night."

This is perfect.

I can't wait to put it
on my fashion blog.

Done.

- Nice work.

The next step is to get
some formal training.

- Okay, class, give me
your best rhymes for "rose."

- Chose.
- Clothes.

- Bows.
- Decompose.

- Ooh, evocative.

- The next step is to start
putting your work out there.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, honey, these pillows
would be perfect

for the nursery.
I can't decide.

"Rage against conformity"
or "Embrace the darkness"?

- Get 'em both.
You might have twins.

Okay, you're almost ready
to read your work in public.

But first, you gotta build
a thick skin.

[bongos playing]

- "Melancholy night
before a hopeless dawn.

"The sun is rising soon,

but all my joy is gone."

[all jeering]

- Oh, I don't wanna do this.

- It's for her own good.

- I'll show you
how it's done.

That poem is terrible.

I've been more moved
by Lynn's farts.

- Aw, thank you.

- You smell weird,
your hair is wrong,

and I would not recommend you
to my friends!

- "Mean little blonde.

"You throw stones and sticks.

"But what would you know?

You're only six."

- Boo-yah!
That's my girl!

Lucy, time to take
your show on the road.

Why couldn't Timmy
ride a bicycle?

Because Timmy
was a goldfish.

[laughter]

Oh, thank you.

Now I present to you
our visiting poet, Lucy Loud.

I know she'll show you
a good rhyme.

- "The end is near.
Give up all hope."

[all gasp]

- Why don't we try
another one?

You gotta know your audience.

- "Ode to Pop-Pop."

- I like it already.

- "Warm eyes and anchor tattoo.

"Blends his food,
no need to chew.

"Orange suspenders,
he's got style.

He'll lift your soul
with just a smile."

- [sniffles]

[all cheering,
horn toots]

- Well, Luce, I'd say you're
ready to fly solo now.

But if you ever
have any questions,

you can come to me.

- Thank you, Luan.

You're the best mentor ever.

- Honey, Lucy is smiling.
Get the camera!

- That sounds more appealing.

[laughter]

- That's--ohh.

- Driver, pull over.

Bernie lost
his chompers again.

- Come on,
I'll help you find them.

- [panting]

Luan, I've been chasing you
for six blocks.

I have amazing news.

My poetry teacher is
hosting Poetry Festival

and has asked me
to be a part of it.

- That is amazing.
Congrats.

- It's going to be
at the Royal Woods Theater.

- You don't say.

- No kid has ever performed
onstage there before.

- You don't say.

- Is your face okay?

- Yes, it's just so happyfor you.

It's just so, so great

how you didn't have
to struggle too long

to make your dreams come true.

So, so great.

- I can't breathe.

[breathes deeply]

Thank you so much, Luan.

If it wasn't for you,

I never would have made it
to the Royal Woods Theater.

- Yes, I know.

- Found 'em!

Hmm. Whoops.

Not my teeth.

- [sighs]

- I'm really nervous
about my reading tomorrow.

Do vocal exercises help?

I know one called
the endless moan.

[moaning]

- Sure, do that.
That's great.

- Which shade of black
do you think is better

for the reading,
Eternal Sadness or Vacant Tomb?

- I don't know.
Eternal Tomb.

- I read that making good
eye contact with the audience

is important.

How's this?

Is this better?

How about this?

What if I get stage fright?

I mean, I could handle
the Giggling Geezer,

but this crowd
is going to be huge.

- Why are you even
asking me, Lucy?

You're the genius
who got a gig

at the Royal Woods Theater,not me.

So why don't you
figure it out?

- You done with the TV?
[door slams]

Whoa.
- What was that about?

- I think I know.

There's something
that I need to tell you.

- Okay, let's just
get this over with.

Oh, maybe they'll seat us
behind someone with big hair,

so I don't have to watch
my sister steal my dreams.

[toilet flushes]

- But, Lori, I was wearing
fuchsia today!

- 83...84...
- Hey, what's going on?

Why isn't anybody ready
for Lucy's reading?

- Lucy will not be doing
said reading.

- What? Why not?

- She claims to be ill, though
I just checked her vitals,

and she seems to be
medically fine.

It must all be in her head.

[bell dings]

- Hey, Luce, Lisa said you're
too sick to do the reading.

- Cough. Cough.

Yeah, my throat
is killing me,

and I think
I've got a fever.

- Pfft, that was weak.

- Hmm, you feel fine to me.

Is there any chance
you're faking

just because you're
afraid to go onstage?

- Um, not exactly.

- Hmm, well, something's
going on.

You can tell me.

- Sigh. Okay.

Lincoln told me
it was your dream

to be the youngest person
to ever perform

at the Royal Woods Theater.

I don't wanna
take that from you.

- Really?
So you're giving up

on this huge opportunity
just for me?

- How could I not
after all you've done for me?

- All right,
get out of bed.

- What?
- You're doing the festival.

I think we should go
with Vacant Tomb.

- That's actually
Eternal Sadness.

Lynn, I don't understand.
What about--

- What kind of a mentor
would I be

if I allowed you to miss
this opportunity?

Look, I'm sorry
I got jealous before.

You've earned this.

- Thanks, Luan.

- Honey,
Lucy's hugging someone!

Get the camera!

[orchestral music]

- Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome our next poet,
Lucy Loud.

[applause]

- This poem goes out
to the person who got me here,

my big sister Luan.

Dreams burnt to ash.

Hope tangled like laces.

Till love swept in with
puns and funny faces.

Where my path will lead
I can't be sure.

But if ever I'm lost,
I'll look up to her.

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house ♪

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with 11 kids ♪

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪