The Life & Times of Tim (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 9 - Mugger/Cin City - full transcript

What?

I didn't understand
a word of that.

I know you have
pantyhose on your head,

but that doesn't
even sound like English.

Let me just do the halfway thing.
They're not pantyhose.

- They're stockings.
- There's a difference?

Pantyhose are so gay.
Do I look gay?

- You don't look gay...
- Exactly.

- But more gay than if you didn't
have pantyhose on your head.

Whatever.
Just give me the money.

Um, I don't want to do that.



- Really?
- What do most people say?

All right.
Money hand now,

fast or stab.

All right. You know what?
Let's not do that.

Here you go.
22 bucks.

- Take it.
- Thank you very much.

See you later there, chump.
You've just been mugged.

Uh, shit.

I think the power's out.

This is, uh...
this is awkward.

Still stuck.

Mm-hm.

Feel free to take the...
pan... stockings off.

There you go.
Stockings, yes, thank you.



Maybe I will take them off.
Just try not to look right at me.

So how do you enjoy
the whole

stabbing and mugging lifestyle?

It's not as fun as you think.

- Really?
- I mean, there's a lot of blood,

a lot of screaming,
a lot of worry, a lot of stress.

You ever try to buy a loaf of bread
with blood on your money?

- It's not easy.
- You ever think of a career change?

- Yeah, all the time.
- You know what they say...

you gotta do what you love.
What do you love to do?

To be honest with you,
my dream job is...

I always wanted to be
one of those guys in the subway

with a guitar...
they sing, they get handouts.

That's your dream job?

That seems like that would be
the pinnacle for me.

Why don't you go for it?
Get a guitar.

I can't afford a guitar.

This money I got from you,
that's gonna go to more stockings.

You know what?
I got to tell you this.

I have a guitar
I used to play.

- I could lend it to you.
- Really?

If it could turn
your life around...

- Are you serious?
- Why not?

That is the nicest thing anybody who
I've ever mugged has done for me.

I consider you a friend.
That's really cool of you.

I should probably get
the mugging money back

- in light of this.
- No. No no no.

That happened when we had
that whole mugger-victim relationship.

Stop living in the past.

- Wow, this is great.
- Look at me.

- All set.
- Mm-hm.

- You know what you're gonna play?
- Not sure.

I might do
"Love is a Battlefield."

- Yeah?
- That might be it.

- The Pat Benatar song?
- Yeah.

That can't be the whole set.

Well, I know another one.

You know two songs.
You should've mentioned this

before you started
a whole new career.

- You just seemed so gung-ho.
- You know two songs.

I got caught up
in the excitement.

Okay, what's the other one?

"Monster Mash."

What?

I know the song.

Randy.

Come on, Tim!

You know what?
I'm gonna have to stop you.

- What's up?
- We got problems, Randy.

You can't go on
today with that.

- What else do you got?
- I've written a few of my own songs,

- but they're personal.
- You've written songs.

- Yeah, they're personal.
- That's why people are gonna love it.

- They want to hear your stories.
- You think?

Sharing with the audience

instead of playing
"Monster Mash" over and over?

I think that's a good trade-off.

- Hey, Tim.
- Oh. Hey, Amy.

Amy, this is Randy.
Randy, Amy.

- Hi.
- Hey.

I'm lending him
my old guitar.

- Do you guys work together?
- Work? No.

Uh, Randy mugged me
this morning...

- He mugged you.
...with a knife.

But then you
brought him here

- to our apartment.
- Sounds like a weird chain of events

when you string it together.

And now he knows
where we live.

Amy, please.
You guys are like family.

I would not steal
from my family.

Especially 'cause
you got shit here.

I mean, there's just
nothing here. It's crap.

Who'd want this shit?
Yuck.

I can't even believe
you have it.

Okay, Randy, here we go.

I'm gonna start you off
with your first dollar.

- The first of many.
- Thanks, Tim. Thanks again.

Uh, hi, everybody.

Uh, really nice to meet you all.
Thank you all for coming.

At the encouragement
of my very very good friend Tim...

- that's him over there...
- Thank you.

- I'm gonna sing some
original songs for you,

stuff from my own
life experiences.

This first song is
called "Lovely Lady."

It's about a woman I never got
the chance to get to know.

Here we go.

# Lovely lady #

# You look so good tonight #

# I know it's wrong #

# But it feels so right #

# I'm gonna stab you,
bitch #

# On the subway tonight #

# I'm gonna stab
a bitch #

# Gonna stab a bitch #

# Gonna stab a bitch
on the subway tonight #

# Could it be you?
Could it be you? #

# Who am I gonna stab?
Nobody knows #

# Yeah #

# Gonna stab a bitch. #

Thank you.
That's about stabbing bitches.

Next time, could be you.
Thank you.

- Tim, where'd everybody go?
- L... I don't know.

Maybe the train came?

It didn't, but... Randy,
are all the songs about stabbing?

Yeah, well, there's one
that's about choking,

but there's stabbing
in that too.

That was a bizarre set.

"Stabbed a Bitch
in the Subway"

- and "Monster Mash."
- Tim, you know, I tried.

I'm gonna go back
to mugging.

- No.
- I can't deal with the rejection.

- Randy, this is sad.
- Thank you for everything.

- I feel awful.
- What are you two boys talking about?

Hey, Debbie, my friend Randy's trying
to launch a singing career,

but no one liked his music.

Aw.
Well, first things first.

- Hello, Randy.
- Hi.

What did you sing?

A lot of stabbing,
stabbing and knife songs.

- Oh, you're an artist.
- Mm-hm.

A lot of grassroots music.

He was asked to stop.

Some people can really
relate, you know,

- if you've been stabbed.
- Most people can't.

Very few people seemed
to be singing a long.

Listen, sugar,
on the subway

people mostly,
they just want to hear music

that makes them feel good.

They want to think about
tropical vacations

and rum drinks
and coastal winds.

Yeah, you never touched
on any of the coastal winds.

I mean, it's an idea, but it's not...
I don't know. It's not me.

Stab? A song about stabbing
someone at a nice resort area?

No no no. You talk about
stabbing a mango

while you pour a rum drink.

- Tim, what do you think?
- I think you should run with this.

- Make it your new shtick.
- Shtick?

Yeah, wear a Hawaiian shirt.

A Hawaiian shirt?
Better yet, no shirt.

Wear no shirt,
flip-flops, some shades...

- Flip-flops?
...have a drink in your hand.

- People'd go crazy for that.
- Yeah, why not?

It's a whole different direction.

- I could be the laid-back guy.
- Yeah.

- Laid-back guy.
- Forget the subway.

Go to Central Park
or something.

Central Park?
That's a great idea, Tim.

My God, how could I
ever repay you?

You could...
literally repay me

the money you mugged.

What are you talking about?

You mugged me.
You remember that, right?

- That was so long ago.
- That was this morning.

How often are you
gonna bring this up?

Wow.

- That is a laid-back guy.
- Look at this?

- I like the new shtick.
- Oh man, thank you.

- It's working.
- Okay.

- Good luck, pal.
- Thanks thanks.

Um, hey listen,
everybody.

Gather around, everybody.
He's gonna sing for you.

Come close, come close.
Come closer.

I'm gonna play some feel-good tunes
for you right now,

but first I just want to thank
my friend Tim right there.

He pretty much turned my life
around and he's pretty much

my best friend
in the whole world.

- Don't say that.
- Well, it's the truth.

Tim, this song is for you,
you stupid son of a bitch!

I didn't know he was
gonna sing this!

You guys seem like
good friends.

Are you like his mentor?

- Yeah, we're pretty close.
- Cool.

Not sure why he's singing
the Pina Colada song to me.

Oh, I love this song.

I love the laid-back vibe.

That was my idea.
I gave him the guitar.

- I set a lot of this up.
- Oh, it's so good.

I coordinated
the whole thing.

Where do I know
that voice from?

I tell ya,
it's a real great feeling

being out here
singing for you people

and not stabbing
you all in the face.

Holy shit!

That's the guy who mugged me
and stabbed my sister!

- No no.
- No, yes!

No, he's the one who sang
beautiful songs to your sister.

You guys stay here.
I'll go get a cop.

- No, get a drink.
- Hey hey!

She's getting a cop, Randy.

Hey, bitch,
just come back and relax

- and enjoy yourself!
- Oh my God!

- No, Randy...
- Relax!

- Oh, man.
- Folks, this isn't working.

I'm gonna get out of here. I really
appreciate you guys listening to me.

- Tim, I'm gonna keep the guitar.
- No no.

And the rest of you, hand over your
cash or I'm gonna stab everybody.

- No no no no.
- Stabbing.

Don't cut me! Here's $50.

Thank you. I'll take that.
Thank you.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- No, Randy.

You are really killing
the laid-back shtick.

I know, I know,
but things change.

I have a great idea.
This is a great lure.

Yeah, I lure people in
with the guitar

and then I stab 'em,
take their money.

It's a great idea
all thanks to you, Tim.

Goodbye!

All righty then.
Should we disperse?

- All right, where is he?
- He's gone.

- He's long gone.
- But this guy set the whole thing up.

- He's the mastermind.
- Yeah, he's friends with him.

- Oh, you are?
- He's his mentor.

- No.
- Are you an accomplice to this crime?

- No.
- You said you set it up.

Yeah.
Brought the guitar.

Set it up meaning
I chose the location

and the wardrobe.

Explain it downtown, asshole.

Will you at least
acknowledge the irony

that I got mugged
twice in one day

and I'm being arrested?

In order to acknowledge
the irony,

I would have to learn
two new words today.

I'm not gonna do that.

Amy, before you say
"I told you so,"

I just want to encourage you
to lock the front door

and do not let Randy in

if he comes
to return the guitar.

He will probably stab you.

Hey, boss.

- Tim, Tim, come on in.
- Rodney said you wanted to see me?

Listen, how do you feel

about going on a little
business trip?

- Are you kidding?
- No.

- I'd love it.
- I know.

I've never been
on a business trip.

You deserve it.
It's time you went.

That's great. Where am I going?
Is it the London office?

- No, not London.
- That's the main headquarters, right?

You're warm,
but that's not the one.

- Amsterdam?
- Take a guess.

Somewhere in Europe?

- Here's a little hint.
- Yeah?

- Gordon Jump.
- Gordon jump? What does that mean?

- You got it?
- No.

Venus Flytrap.

These aren't characters
from "WKRP

- in Cincinnati," are they?
- Bang! Cincinnati!

You're going
to Cincinnati, Ohio.

How was I getting
warmer before?

I mean, if you're
traveling east...

get a globe, figure it out.

Who... who am I traveling with?

- Want to know who you're going with?
- Yes, someone fun?

Yeah, fun.
Marty.

- The guy in accounting?
- Party Marty.

Marty, come on in here!

- Oh, man.
- Here's Marty.

Hi.
Hey, Tim.

- Hey, Marty.
- You're my new travel buddy.

- I've never heard that phrase used.
- Travel buddy.

No, we're just going
to Cincinnati together.

Look, you should know
I ruptured a disc in my back.

- Okay.
- Yeah, it's not that important.

- Why are you telling me that?
- It doesn't really affect you.

And also, my bowels
act up sometimes.

So you know if I make
a mistake in my pants,

it's good to have someone
around to help me with that.

All right. I guess this'll be
a fun... fun trip.

Well, I can't imagine it will,
but who knows?

Bring something
to read, Tim.

Wow, this is exciting.

Traveling the globe

for an international
corporation

I hope you're not
jealous, Amy.

I can't take you on the trip.
They made that clear.

- I'm not jealous, Tim.
- It's just me and Marty.

No, I'm happy for you.

You sound jealous.
I mean, I'm packing a bag

in front of you. I feel bad.

Tim, you're going
to Cincinnati...

- Yeah?
...with an old man.

- And...
- I pretty much wouldn't go

on a trip like this
if you paid me.

If I paid you money,
if I wrote you a check,

- you wouldn't go?
- It sounds like the worst trip ever.

All right, now it just sounds like
you're getting defensive.

Call me at the hotel
if you get Ionely.

- That probably is not gonna happen.
- No?

- I have plans with Julie tomorrow.
- Oh.

Um, she's gonna come over
for a little pre-party.

We're gonna go to Club 212.

Come to think of it, the pants that
I'm wearing, they don't have pockets.

You've chosen
the pants already?

- They're tight. The phone doesn't fit.
- Yeah.

No, but have fun in Ohio.

Okay, Marty. I guess we gotta...
we're gonna do this.

- This is gonna be a good one.
- You think?

- I know.
- I hope so.

- It's my first business trip.
- That's great!

I can still remember
my first business trip.

- Really?
- It was back in 1972.

An overnight trip
to Cleveland.

- Hmm.
- Took the bus.

I guess that's a good trip.

It was a good trip.

I must've banged
10 whores on that trip.

Come again?

- Tim, I'm not gonna lie to you.
- 10 whores?

- I'm a different man on the road, Tim.
- To say the least.

This is gonna be great.

Me and you on the loose
in Cin City.

- No, what's happening to you?
- Cin City.

- That's not a nickname.
- It's a nickname for Cincinnati

- Going to Cin City. Here we come.
- Nobody calls it that.

- Are you with me?
- I'm not at all.

- You're gonna be.
- Marty, let's just relax.

- Why don't you sleep?
- I can't.

I would need
to take something

and I don't want to be
medicated when we land,

'cause then I'll be out
when I need to be up

and out when we go in.

We get those bitches.

Cin City, here we come!

Werewolves of Cin City!

Marty, stop howling.

Let's get up in here.

Let's get busy
with this.

- Marty...
- I'm gonna get it in and mess you up.

Bring on the bitches.

Wow, this is a whole
different Marty, isn't it?

- This is the Marty.
- Excuse me, sir.

I'm gonna need you
to sit down.

Oh, okay.
I'm happy to sit.

- Thank you.
- I cannot make promises for Marty Jr.

He is very excited right now.

Mm-hmm.
Are you Marty Jr?

Am I Marty Jr?
No.

The way the conversation's
been going,

I've got to assume
it's his penis.

- That was an interesting flight.
- To say the least.

- Banned for life.
- They say they're banning you for life,

- but they don't do that.
- They don't?

- Customer's always right.
- I don't think you were right.

- Tim?
- Yeah?

Here we are.
The Ho-liday Inn Express.

That's pronounced
Holiday Inn.

No. Ho-liday.

Because the place
is packed with hos!

It's really not, Marty.

That's what's in there
and if you play your cards right,

you'll be packed inside.
You get my drift?

You've got an answer
for everything, don't you?

And it's always dirty.

Wow, it's not really
packed with hos.

- It will be.
- You know what?

One drink, then we're gonna
run through the presentation.

- Tim, we're not here...
- One drink.

- We're not here for the presentation.
- That's exactly why we're here.

We're here for the ladies...

- hot Ohio lady action.
- No.

We're not here
for that reason.

Barkeep, I'd like
one red-headed slut

and a stiff nip...
you like a stiff nipple?

- Me?
- A stiff nipple!

And excuse me,
what would you like?

- Ladies?
- No, that's somebody's mom.

Marty, you're spending
a lot of money.

Are you gonna be able
to write this off?

Tim, on business trips,
everything can be written off.

- How?
- You just need to be creative.

- Not that.
- Anything.

- Slippery nipples and sluts?
- See this shirt?

- Do you see it?
- Yeah.

This shirt I purchased
for this trip.

You know how
I'm writing it off?

- "Shirt"?
- No.

- "Business apparel"?
- No.

- No?
- "Cab to Kinkos."

- That's a cab to Kinkos.
- Yeah.

Be creative and you can have
a little fun on these trips.

- No, Marty.
- Come here. I can't say this loudly.

- Yeah?
- One time I bought a brick of coke...

- No, you didn't.
- I did and snorted it

off the ass of the concierge girl
at the Radisson.

This is why we never meet
the sales projections.

Ask me, how did I write
that off, the brick of coke?

- How did you write it off?
- Yeah.

- "Cab to Kinkos."
- Cab to Kinkos.

How did I not know that?

You can write
anything off with that.

You're in good hands.
I know what I'm doing.

I guess you do.
You've thought this through.

- I'm your travel buddy.
- I just want this meeting to go well.

- As do I.
- We're talking about everything

- but the presentation.
- Cin City, Tim, rules are different.

Fellas, we're coming
up on 9:00 p.m.

You know what that means:
Last call!

It looks like the rules
are that the bars close

- at 8:30.
- Let's move this party elsewhere.

Bartender,
two bottles of vodka.

- Charge it to this guy's room.
- No.

And give yourself
a $40 tip.

No, don't do that.
You know what?

Let's rehearse.
Let's find a quiet place to talk

- and run through it.
- Okay.

- That'll make you happy?
- It will.

All right.
I know the perfect spot.

Marty, I think the business center
would've been a better choice.

You can do business in here.

- Not really.
- You can.

- Marty, it's a hot tub.
- Get in.

We have a big presentation
in the morning.

What am I gonna say?

I'll start the meeting.
I'll introduce everyone

and then you'll do whatever. You'll say
some stuff about 4th quarter results

and global expansion
and blah blah blah blah blah.

Marty, it's not
blah blah blah.

- I gotta...
- Wear a nice tie and splash on cologne,

that's all that matters.
Get in the tub.

- They don't care what I say?
- Have some booze.

- Get in the tub.
- You have consistently bad advice.

That's subjective.
Come here.

- Tim, I'll make you a deal.
- Yeah?

You get in the hot tub,
you have one drink

and then we'll do
a quick rehearsal.

- Promise?
- I promise, absolutely.

All right.
I'm getting in the tub.

Ahh.

Don't make those noises
while I'm in there.

Sorry.

- Wow, this is relaxing.
- See?

Two dudes in a tub.

You are learning how
to mix business with pleasure.

- I am.
- That's what I'm about.

You gotta hop in the tub. You gotta
take your pants off and hop in the tub.

It's symbolic.
Hopping in the tub is mixing it up.

Sometimes you gotta
stand up on the plane and howl.

Eh... works for me.

Right? You gotta mix
business with pleasure.

You need to mix
presentations with coke.

4th quarter results
with blowjobs.

Now you're taking it too far.

It all has to blend in, Tim...

the yin and yang of life.

- Mmn.
- I really... I get you now.

I really do.
I get you.

I could see behaving like you
on the plane next time.

I really could.

- A toast to business.
- To business.

- L... I gotta go.
- What happened?

- What happened?
- I gotta make a bathroom run.

There's one thing that doesn't mix...
all my medication

and all the crap
I've been drinking.

- My bowels are all messed up.
- Bowels?

By the way, if Raquel and Linda
show up, just offer them a drink.

Raquel and Linda?

- Oh, hey, are you Marty?
- No, I'm Tim.

- Marty had to run.
- Oh.

- But I guess he called you guys?
- Yes.

Great.
What a fun idea this was,

- meeting by the pool.
- I guess so.

- Listen, I know he called you guys...
- Yes.

...but I don't want any kind

- of blowjob or rimjob.
- Whoa.

I certainly don't want
to be banging anybody

out by a hot tub
at a Holiday Inn.

I assume... I assume
you guys are the hookers?

You're the hookers that...

Buddy, we're the clients.

- Tim, hey.
- Hey.

Let me... sorry. Do you mind
if I just dive right in to this,

we just eliminate
the small talk?

I just wanted to say thanks
for sending me on that trip.

Oh, you're welcome.
You really represented us well.

- Thanks.
- From what I understand,

Marty invited the clients
back to the hotel for a drink.

- Yeah, that was Marty's deal.
- It was his idea?

What I understand was
when the clients got there,

you were naked in the hot tub

bottle of vodka in each hand,

fake chest hair taped to your chest,
hair in a beehive

just waiting
for a bunch of prostitutes.

- Is that accurate?
- Aspects of it are.

I may have embellished
the beehive business.

Um, no, I was...
can I be honest here?

- Please.
- Marty is not the guy you think he is.

- Tim, Marty wasn't there.
- Wasn't where?

He wasn't there.
He wasn't in the jacuz'

when you were there with
the vodka and the hookers.

We know from his expense report
that at that very moment

that you were
in there "networking,"

he was in a cab
on his way to a Kinkos.

His expense report says that.

Yes, the receipt's right here.

The poor guy was...
he was back and forth

to nine different Kinkos
during the course of eight hours

in the middle of the night. You can't
argue with these receipts, can you?

You can't argue
with the receipts.