The Life & Times of Tim (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 10 - Theo Strikes Back/Amy Gets Wasted - full transcript

Where do you want
to go for lunch?

My name is Stu.
Yours is Tim.

What do you want
for lunch?

Now don't bug me now.
My computer's going nuts.

Don't bug you now?
What could be more important

than thinking about
what we're doing for lunch?

Come on!
Do it!

Come on! It's not working.
This H...

the H is
going berserk.

Step aside.
Let the doctor take a look.

All right, just don't
mess anything up;



- don't change any of the settings.
- No,

I'm not gonna change
any settings.

This happened
to me once, okay?

What you have to do...
and I know this is gonna sound crazy...

but you have to spill
coffee on the keyboard.

- No no no... stop!
- I can't explain why,

but it worked for me.
Just trust me on this.

Okay, you said
"stop" too late.

- It's my fault.
- That is your fault.

You just poured coffee
on my computer.

I like to think that I
tried to pour a solution

- on your problem.
- Okay.

- I'm gonna take this to the IT guy.
- Theo?

That dude is angry.



No, you just gotta know
how to talk to these guys.

- Ahh...
- You gotta be firm.

You gotta have
a firm hand with them.

This is the way
"Mississippi Burning" started.

Hey.

You're, uh... excuse me?

- What... what up?
- "What up"?

Uh, hey, I'm Tim. Listen...

my computer is making
a weird beeping sound.

- If you could just...
- You're Tim.

...take a look.
- Your computer is beeping.

That's what I said to you.

Now you have to
answer the question.

Why are you
telling me this?

Why? Because you're...
you're the IT guy.

I'm the IT guy?

Yeah.

Right? So I'm gonna swing
on back later.

- Okay...
- I'm gonna leave the laptop.

...I am Internet Technology.
- Oh, man.

Napir is
Information Technology.

Oooooh!
Look at your face.

I bet you feel stupid.

Not really.
Internet Technology is still IT.

It's... just fix it.
Just fix it.

You know what?
I don't want to get into it.

Just take a look. I'll wait
out here and get a coffee.

Are you trying
to piss me off?

Who are you, bro?

Honestly, you come walking
up into my space...

- It's a shared space.
- Technically, it is a shared space.

- Can you please just...
- Did you see that "Brady Bunch" episode

where they put the tape
down the room? This is my side.

Listen, I'm gonna
leave the laptop.

If you could take a look,
make the beep go away.

- Oh, yeah, no, it'll go away.
- I'll swing back after lunch.

- Swing back.
- Swing on back, bro.

Anything else? Maybe we'll pick up
some groceries for you.

Do you have any dry cleaning?

This is a lot of attitude for the guys
who fix the computers, isn't it?

- Fix?
- And we're back to problem one.

Oh, boy.

- How's it going, Stu?
- Coffee and a bagel.

- There you go.
- That's the way to start a day.

- Nice.
- So how'd it go with Theo?

- Ah, fine.
- Really?

Tried to give me
some attitude. I said,

"You know what?

I'm Tim.
You're the IT guy.

Shut your mouth
and fix the computer."

- Holy cow.
- Not in so many words.

I don't think I was quite that confident
when I was in there, but...

- Tim, I'm impressed.
- Honestly,

people know better
than to mess with me.

- Do they?
- They can sense the inner...

rage. They don't
want to taste it.

- Mad dog's back.
- Yeah, they don't want to taste...

They don't want to taste
the wrath of your poison.

Timbo, dude, you gotta
come upstairs with me now.

- Me? Nah.
- We got DEFCON 4 going.

- I'm having a bagel.
- Okay, well...

Yep?
No, I got him.

- He's down in the bagel room.
- "The bagel room"?

- Yeah. Right.
- It's called "the coffee room."

Okay, I'm gonna
bring him up now.

No one calls it
"the bagel room," Rodney.

Dude, wherever we are,
you gotta leave here and come with me.

- Why?
- The boss wants to see you.

- Wants to see me?
- It's... yeah, about...

- I'm not...
...it's about your companywide email.

Rodney, I'm not gonna
flee the scene.

Keep yapping, bro. Do not make me
put these flesh handcuffs on you.

- Oh, great, Marie!
- Tim.

- Marie, you gonna say something here?
- Yes, I will say something.

Rodney, please apply pressure.
Just no bruising.

- Roger that. Squeezing.
- What?

- Ooh!
- I don't understand why I'm being held.

- Tim, Tim, Tim.
- Yeah?

You know what
you've done.

- No, I don't.
- He's acting up.

- I'm gonna put him in a forklift.
- No. I'm not acting up.

- This is good. He ain't going anywhere.
- Oh, Tim.

Hey, Helen, I'm being
held here against my will.

Well, I just wanted to say
it was so nice

working with you these past
couple of years.

- Are you retiring?
- Well...

I assume you're
being fired, right?

- Right.
- Me? No, I'm doing great here.

- I'm doing great.
- Rodney, be careful of his windpipe.

Hey, boss, I was told
you wanted to...

s-s-speak to me?

- Tim?
- Yeah.

I was perusing through
my emails this morning.

- Yeah?
- In the subject heading in between

"85% off printer ink"
and some boner-making pills,

I came across this
subject line:

"Who's the boss now, bitch?"

From you.

What'd you say?
I sent...

"Who's the boss now,
bitch?"

- You sent this...
- No no no...

Look at it! And you
forwarded this companywide

to every single
employee of mine.

It had some photographs
in there... some JPEGs, as they say...

- of you and my wife.
- No, let me see this picture.

I can't imagine... oh.

- Whoa, look at that.
- No no no.

- Where are we now?
- No.

- Where are we?
- This is a prank.

- You sent this photo.
- Let me...

- See you there? Happy as can be...
- That is some...

...sipping on a mimosa.
- These are obviously fake.

That's a fake picture.
It's bad Photoshop work.

Honestly, I thought
the same thing at first,

so I took it down to the top dog
in IT. I believe his name is...

Theo... something Greek
along those lines...

and he confirmed that
this is indeed you.

There no retouching done
with this... this is you.

- Theo confirmed that?
- Yes. Theo did.

- Get a second opinion.
- I did. I asked Theo twice.

Is this where you
fire me?

Give me a second chance.

- It won't...
- Oh, Tim!

I'm not gonna fire you.
I expect this from you.

- You expect this from me?
- You young mope,

beaten down by life,
starved for female attention...

- I wouldn't say that.
...and contact.

You are clearly just a pawn
in the game of a strong woman.

That's true.
I know it's insulting, but...

when you're right, you're right.
You know, I'm a pawn.

I'm glad this is over.
And let's get back to work.

- Over? Come back here.
- Good chatting with you.

Seriously, Tim, this is
the beginning.

I'm going to use this
information to confront her.

- Oh, no.
- Tonight.

- That's a bad idea.
- I called you ito see if you, you know,

if you had any other shots.
More like this or even racier,

kinkier, sexier.
Something at least without the robe,

showing, you know,
your manhood. Do you have...

I'm pretty sure it was
just the one shot.

Nothing... nothing that
shows your junk?

No, we just had...
took the picture

and drank our mimosas.

I'm gonna go ahead right now
and say thank you, Tim.

- Thank you?
- In all the years you've been here,

this is the first constructive
thing you've done.

Theo?

Who's the boss now, bitch!

Oh, sweet line, huh?

No, you took it too far.
Come on.

Theo strikes back.
Get it up there, IT guy.

- Boom goes the dynamite.
- You're sitting in this room too long.

You gotta get some fresh air.

- Send an email to the company...
- Okay.

- That says, "Hey,
I'm a little abnormally angry

for someone in my field.

I sent a weird email.
It was a joke.

I take it back.
I'm a weird guy."

And hit "send."

- Okay, um, I hear what you're saying...
- Please?

- Yeah?
...and no.

- No?
- Are you kidding me?

- No.
- That'll make me look unprofessional.

You know what? Just give me...
I assume you fixed the laptop at least?

- Oh yeah, we did fix the lap.
- Totally fixed it.

Set some preferences.
Air-cleaned the keyboard.

It's set.

Why didn't you just
do that in the first place?

Um, that's
a good question.

Hi, Mrs. Davis?

- Yes?
- Hi, I'm Tim.

- I work with your husband.
- Oh, Tim.

- Yeah. Hey.
- Hi.

I wanted to come by and have
a little talk with you, if I may.

Well, of course.
Come on in.

- You know Keith, don't you?
- Oh, Keith and I go way back.

So that's it. You know,
it was a prank gone wrong

and now he thinks you're
actually cheating on him.

Oh ho ho! He thinks
I'm cheating on him, does he?

- Mmm.
- With you?

Me and you, going at it.

Aha ha ha ha!

He's got some nerve.

Of all the guys
in the world,

he thinks my only option

is to have an affair
with someone like you.

Ah, someone like me?

Does he think I'm that much
of a bottom-feeder?

Bottom-feeder? That's...
that's a bit of a putdown, no?

You know what? I'm gonna give him
something to be jealous about.

No. No, don't do that.

- Oh, yes.
- No.

Oh, yes, you know
what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna bang the UPS guy.

- The UPS guy?
- Oh, yes.

- Where'd he come from?
- I've always wanted to.

- Now I have an excuse.
- No, don't bang him.

Or maybe the gardener. Where are
these people when you need them?

No, don't bang either of those two.

Just... let's just explain
and stick to plan A.

- You know what? You're right.
- Yeah?

I need to do this now
while I'm angry.

- Tim.
- Yeah?

- Take your pants off.
- Pants? No.

I'm afraid my pants
have to stay on.

I've made some bad
career moves, but that would...

that would be right up
there in the top five.

- Take 'em off, Tim.
- Yeah?

I'm a busy woman.
Let's get this over with.

All right, they're coming off.

This is not romantic.
This is not...

well, the way most
people have sex.

- You seem nervous.
- A little bit.

I'm gonna get you some Scotch.
You stay here.

Oh, this is not good.
This is not good.

Keith, just wagging
your tail.

Nothing to wag about here.

Tim!

- Oh, hey, listen...
- You're pantless, Tim.

- Um, there's a good explanation for...
- Oh no, Tim,

- don't explain.
...all of this.

I really... I really
appreciate this.

- You appreciate it. Why?
- Dedication.

You knew I needed more proof,
so you're here to...

to stick it to my wife.

That's not the reaction
I was expecting.

Listen, I'm gonna hide.
You just get to it.

You work her real good.
When things are getting really filthy,

I'll come in and the jig will be up.

- You don't have a plan B?
- Shh, I'm not here.

What would Keith do
in this situation?

Keith would leave.
That is a very good idea.

- How many?
- Let's see. Uh...

just... one.

- One?
- Yeah.

- You're here by yourself?
- Aren't you?

Yeah, but I'm working here.

- Oh my God, it's Stu!
- Amy?

Stu, what are you doing here?
Who are you with?

I am here with...

- other people who are...
- Oh my God!

- You have to come party with us!
- Yes!

- I would...
- Jen is the bachelorette.

- Let's party.
- Party with Stu!

Party with Stu-u-u!

So what does
your fiance do?

- He's an accountant.
- Oh, that's cool.

- Yeah.
- That's exciting.

- Yeah.
- Did he help you find the penis hat?

No, the girls got together
and got me this penis hat.

And they were like,
"This one is so you."

And I was like,
"Oh my God, you are right."

Oh my God, I am so wasted.

- Yeah.
- Girls, isn't Stu, like, so adorable?

- You're so cute.
- He really is, like, the cutest,

most pathetic little thing. Like,
he showed up by himself at the bar.

I was hoping to meet
people here...

- But he's like a teddy bear!
- There you go.

You know, like a big
fat teddy bear.

- Yeah.
- With a cute little butt.

You guys, take a picture
of me with Stu's butt.

- Good idea. Get close to his butt.
- Okay.

Oh my God, look at this butt!
I just want to grab it!

- That's real...
- Okay, one, two, three.

Heeeeey!

Got it.

Oh my God,
this is so much fun.

You guys, do one
where he's a horse

and you're, like,
riding a horse.

Wait a second, let's...
Stu, let's get one

where you and I are,
like, making out.

- Okay.
- But we're not really making out,

- but it looks like we're about to.
- That's fine. Either way.

- Jen, Jen, do you have this?
- I got it!

- Okay, ready? One, two... make out!
- Whoohoo!

- Oh my God, mm mmm.
- That looked so real, you guys!

- That was totally real!
- Amy, this is a different side of you.

- Do you want to see another side?
- Yeah.

- Do you?
- Yes.

- Check this out!
- Okay.

Whooa!

That's how I thought
they would look.

- Stu?
- What?

- You look awful.
- Oh.

I look awful but I feel terrific.

- Really?
- Gotta go to more bachelorette parties.

- Bachelorette? Amy...
- It's a place I feel I can blossom.

- Amy went to a bachelorette party.
- Not a coincidence.

I bumped into her and a couple
of her lady friends.

- Really?
- She didn't tell you?

No, she was sleeping when I left.
What happened?

I don't honestly remember.

I just remember waking up
with a smile on my face

and a tent in my pants...
if you know what I mean.

- I had a boner.
- Huh.

One girl was supposed to post her
photos online. Let's see if they're up.

Here we go. Okay,
there's me by the bar.

- Oh, yeah.
- That's me and the lady train.

- That's great.
- Okay, there's me with Amy.

- There she is.
- That's me and Amy again.

- That's a great shot.
- That's Amy, I think licking my neck.

- Amy getting to first base with me...
- What?

...by French-kissing
my mouth.

That's Amy on my back getting
ready to flash her titties.

- What the hell?
- You know, I'm gonna stop narrating.

- I won't say these out loud anymore.
- Is this a joke?

No... I think it was.

- Tim...
- You made out with Amy?

- She made out with me.
- She's nude in this photo.

Aren't we all nude...
in photos?

- No, we're not.
- Listen, Tim,

- I'm gonna make it up to you.
- Yeah?

I'm gonna say that you can
make out with a woman

who's important to me
in my life.

- No, I don't want that.
- So that would be...

- like, my mom or Deborah Norville.
- No.

How are you gonna arrange for me
to make out with Deborah Norville?

You know, with online...

You know what?
I'm gonna deal with you later.

I gotta... I gotta go
talk to Amy. This is insane.

Exactly. Amy's the one
on trial here.

- Hey, there she is.
- Tim.

- What are you doing home?
- There's my girlfriend.

- You didn't go to work today?
- Yeah,

we kind of drank
a lot last night.

Mmm, that's what I hear.
Stu seemed like he had a good night.

Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah!
- We ran into Stu.

- You did.
- I totally forgot.

That's understandable.
Photos looked kind of boring, actually.

- Photos?
- Your friend Julie sent him the link.

- You wanna check 'em out?
- Uh, okay.

Here we go... a slideshow.

- Oh, there's Jen.
- Good old Jen.

- There's Stu.
- That's Stu.

I know who Stu is.
There's you and Stu.

Here's you licking Stu.

- Oh my God.
- And those must be your boobs.

Oh my God.

I've seen... yeah,
that's definitely them, right?

This is kind of
coming back to me.

- Kind of?
- I'm so embarrassed.

I'm not usually on this side
of the being-mad equation.

What do I do?
Hands on hips?

- Tim, listen...
- Angry scowl?

Hold on, let me get
my pose down.

I'm gonna go with arms crossed
and refusal to make eye contact.

I screwed up, okay?

- I'm not even looking at you.
- Okay.

Let... I'll make you a deal.

- Yeah?
- For one week,

you can have a free pass.

- What's that?
- You can do anything you want

no matter how wrong it is.
And I can't get mad.

- Anything?
- Anything.

Huh.
I kinda like that idea.

Let's just get started.
I'm gonna...

think I'm gonna throw a little
ham sandwich on the rug.

Anything you want.

All right, I love it.

Um, what else do I got?

Is it weird if I just
throw a banana at you?

- Or...
- I'm not gonna get mad.

- These are the kind of things I can do?
- Anything you want.

Great, I'm just gonna stick
my gum on the wall

and get out of here.

So you get a free pass
for a whole week?

- I can do anything.
- You living it up?

- I'm living it up.
- What are you doing?

All kind of things. I...

left a wet towel
on the bed.

Where else are you
supposed to leave them?

I put the garbage in the hall...

- Wow.
...instead of taking it downstairs.

Sounds like the way I just
lead my life day to day.

- Yeah.
- You're not taking advantage, Tim.

- What do you mean?
- She's giving you a free pass...

- Yeah?
...to do weird stuff

with other people.

Like stuff with another girl, or...

Yeah.

No, she didn't say that.

Listen, I know
a lot about women.

I was able to make out
with my best friend's girlfriend.

I think I know a thing
or two about ladies.

- You think...
- She's asking you for a favor, Tim:

"Help me feel okay
about my actions."

- So you need to go and find someone...
- Maybe.

- And even the playing field.

I guess if it helps her
relieve her guilt.

- It's for her, Tim.
- I gotta think who I'd even approach.

Thanks for
the cappuccino, Tim.

- Don't mention it.
- This was really nice of you.

- Don't mention it. I'm a nice guy.
- Yeah,

- what's the occasion?
- Well...

you know, I'm just gonna
throw this out there.

Don't feel like you have
to answer on the spot.

Maybe you wanna
think about it.

You met my sister and said
you'd like to fuck her sometime?

- No. No no...
- Tim!

I did bring up something
to that effect.

I didn't phrase it like that.

What kind of a sick
person are you?

No no, I was on a free pass.
Remember?

- Anything goes. Anything.
- Not that!

What do you mean, not that? We really
should have clarified the rules.

This is not fair.
I'm the mad person.

I'm mad at you.
I'm... I'm crossing my arms.

Tim, I thought you would
go to a strip club,

- stay out late with your buddies...
- No.

...crash on someone's couch, not call.
- I thought we...

Oh, man, this is
a big misunderstanding.

It's actually kind of...
kind of funny, isn't it?

- Funny?
- It's like a funny misunderstanding.

- Are you joking?
- It's not like it was just your sister.

I had a list of people.
I wasn't targeting your family.

What were you thinking?

Free pass... when you give
someone a free pass,

things... it messes
with you, you know?

Do you know how pissed
my parents are?

- They... they know?
- Yes.

What kind of sick family is this?
You're telling people...

- My sister called them.
- She called your parents and says,

- "Tim wants to fuck me."
- She told them.

- That's insane. Who does that?
- Who asks my sister that?

- Apparently my boyfriend.
- I think we're all at blame here.

- I think it's...
- There's something I have to tell you.

Free pass is canceled?

My parents have forbidden me
from seeing you anymore.

What's that supposed
to mean?

- Just tell them...
- Frankly, I don't blame them.

- We're very happy together.

- You don't blame them?
- Maybe they're right.

What kind of thing
is that to say?

So she broke up with you?

You... l... yeah.

- It's crazy.
- You guys were such a great couple.

I know, it was like Brad...
Brad and Angelina.

No, I wouldn't go that far.

- No?
- Here's what you need to do:

You need to really
show her that you care.

- How?
- Buy her an ice-cream cake.

- That's...
- You know, a Cookie Puss from Carvel.

- That's your advice?
- And if she refuses to accept,

just send it along to someone
who'll appreciate it

by the name of Stu.

- This is not helping.
- I got another plan.

- What?
- A medical emergency.

- That's interesting.
- Picture it:

Amy gets a phone call...
"Tim's hurt. He's in the hospital."

- She doesn't even hang up the phone.
- She comes running.

She comes running
to the hospital.

She's so glad that
you're not dead...

She'll say, "Oh, he's alive!

Who cares if he tried
to fuck my sister?"

- Yeah, I mean...
- "What a great guy!"

That'll probably be
in the back of her mind,

but it'll all seem like
a little chuckle.

Do I actually have
to get hurt though?

- I mean, I don't want to...
- Just slightly.

- It's more...
- Little bit?

- It's just a tiny bit,
a nick, if you will.

Something to just imply
the concept of hurt.

All right, here's the plan:

You're gonna step
in front of a bike messenger...

- No no, I'm not...
- Tim, this is for Amy.

- It's gonna hurt.
- Yeah, it's gonna hurt,

but not as much as it's gonna hurt
to be alone for the rest of your life,

so step in front
of one of these guys,

incur some minor injury.
He'll give you the finger.

He'll say something about
anarchy and then he'll keep riding.

- Okay.
- And we rush you to St. Mary's

- and place the call to Amy.
- All right, I'm gonna do it.

Wow, these guys are
really moving here.

- Yeah.
- All right, I'm gonna close my eyes

and take the leap.
And... time to get injured.

Get out of the way, dude!
What the fuck! Ahh!

What happened?

- No no no!
- What the hell! Awww!

Oh my God, Stu.

- Tim, where am I?
- You're in front of OmniCorp.

- Where's my... where's my hot dog?
- I'm Tim.

- You weren't eating a hot dog.
- What's my hot dog's name?

Oh, this is not good.

Oh, Stu.

Do you know where you are?

- Chuck E. Cheese?
- No. No, you're in the hospital.

Oh good, 'cause that would have
been a terrible Chuck E. Cheese.

- You're gonna be okay.
- Listen, I hope this isn't awkward,

but they asked me
for an emergency contact and...

- You put me down?
- Nah, I put Amy down.

- Amy?
- Yeah.

- Why would you...
- You're not very reliable.

- Stu!
- I would call my dad but he's drunk.

Even in the hospital,
you're doing weird things.

- Amy's on her way over.
- Amy...

- she's coming here?
- Yeah, don't get mad.

- This is ridiculous.
- I took a hit from a messenger for you.

- You didn't take it...
- I stepped in front once it passed you.

No, it happened against your will
and then you were crying.

- Isn't that...
- Oh my God, Stu!

- Are you okay?
- Oh, hey, Amy.

- Hey.
- Hey, Tim.

- What happened to Stu?
- What kind of greeting is that?

L... you know
what happened?

- No, don't tell her.
- I don't know what happened.

Tim, let him tell me.

I told Tim he should send you
an ice-cream cake to say sorry...

Cookie Puss... but instead, he wanted
to get plowed down by a bike messenger

- and pretend to be hurt.
- Tim, is this true?

What... what part?

- You were gonna pretend to be hurt...
- Mmm.

...because you thought maybe
I'd come rushing back

and forget that you tried
to fuck my sister

after buying her a cappuccino?

L... I thought it was
a romantic gesture.

I thought it was like when
he holds the boom box up...

in "Say Anything."

This is pathetic.

I agree. But whenever you
repeat these things back,

they sound so much worse
than they really are.

Oh God, the pain.