The Life & Times of Tim (2008–2012): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Model from Newark/Tim's Hair Looks Amazing - full transcript
(Season Three Premiere) Tim becomes an assistant to a women's professional basketball player; Tim decides to go for a job interview haircut.
♪ Now you're looking at a man
that's getting kinda mad ♪
♪ I had lots of luck
but it's all been bad ♪
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
So this is exciting.
- I mean, finally, a new job.
- It's the--
it's the pinnacle of excitement.
I mean, Ernst & Young--
it definitely is.
It's a step up from Omnicorp.
It's impressive,
the whole-- the whole bit.
Oh, you know what?
Here's my stop.
- I'm gonna hop off.
- All right.
- Have fun.
- Good luck today.
- Thank you. Ernst & Young.
- Love you.
So Ernst & Young next?
Oh no, I actually need
to go to the outskirts
of Newark, New Jersey.
Oh, okay.
Lying to your lady?
- Oh, you heard that?
- Yeah.
- A little lie.
- What do you doing, drugs?
Transvestites?
Gambling?
I don't need to be judged right now.
It's been a rough year.
Boo-hoo.
- Oh, hey there, coach.
- Hey, you.
I'm Tim, Tanya's assistant.
Oh, right, yeah yeah.
Don't care.
I'm sorry I'm late, by the way.
I hope I didn't hold anything up.
You're not part of the team,
so it never matters to me
- what time you're here.
- That's not nice.
- How's Tanya doing? - Oh, she's in a much
better mood than yesterday.
- I hope so.
- Where the fuck's my little man?!
- Hey, Tanya, over here.
- You on Tanya time, boy!
Get over here and wipe me down!
I needs my towel!
You needs your towel?
I gotta run to the towel room.
Uh, no no no, you've got
to get over here now
- and dry me off with whatever you got!
- I can't dry--
I need a towel to dry you, Tanya.
You're not being reasonable.
Take off your shirt.
Take off my shirt?
I'm not doing it.
Oh my God. Fine.
No no no no, get up under them pits.
- Under the pits.
- Let's go, Tim.
- All right.
- Yes, that's it. Ah.
This is really crossing many lines.
Oh, you ain't seen
crossing the line, Tim.
- Get down there in the crotch.
- Oh my God! Tanya, please.
- Get up under there.
- As far as bosses go,
you think you're a reasonable person?
Boy, if I had a dick, I'd
slap you in the face with it!
Hey, how was your day?
Oh great.
Just another day at Ernst & Young.
I told Julie about the job and
she was really impressed.
It's prestigious.
I'm not gonna lie.
Whoops. Let me take this.
- Hello?
- I thinks you better get over here!
What? No no.
No, I'm not--
I'm not going to Newark tonight.
I can't.
I-- I'm at home.
I refuse.
Fine, I'm coming.
- Hey. - Did I just hear you say
you're going to Newark?
- No.
- That's what you just said.
- I said Newark?
- Well, I--
I'm going to Newark.
- It's, uh, Stu's birthday.
- Oh.
We forgot.
Rodney said, "Let's just organize
a quick pub crawl
through... North Jersey."
- You're going to Jersey right now?
- Mmm.
- Really?
- Yeah, we're gonna start in Newark,
finish up in,
like, Fort Lee or--
just an impromptu Jersey pub crawl.
Yeah, pretty much. You never did that?
You guys don't do that?
Uh, no.
Just candles, cake, beer and Newark.
- I gotta get out of here.
- Bye.
All right, see ya later.
Hey, Tanya, I rushed over
as fast as I could.
What's going on?
What's the emergency?
Oh, I can't find my Pizza Hut menu.
That's why you called me?
- Yeah.
- Tanya, I'm not happy that that's why
you called me from Manhattan.
- That's your job.
- You really need to show me a little respect.
That's what I'm doing.
I'm giving you stuff to do.
Now can you go ahead, crawl around the
floor and look for that menu for me?
- I'd rather not.
- Don't talk back to me!
That's not ta-- that's
having a conversation.
- No, you s--
- You yell too easily.
- You really get angry.
- You're sassing me!
- Stop using them big words!
- I'm not sassing you.
I'm just saying--
I went to college.
Whoopy doopy doopy damn do.
I done seen a college too.
Now get your little ass
and find my menu!
And don't mess with the little
dildos and whatnots under my bed!
- Yeah?
- Stu, it's Amy.
Am I dreaming right now?
No, I just wanted to call
and say Happy Birthday.
Oh, and you couldn't wait
till February, huh?
You guys aren't in Newark
on a pub crawl?
Who goes to Newark for pub crawls
besides murderers
and public school teachers?
- No, absolutely not.
- Okay, this is weird.
- Why? - Why would he need
to lie about going to Newark?
Let's see, I've watched
a lot of "Matlock."
He's either shopping at Ikea
and wants to keep it a secret
or he's throwing his weird bone
in a flight attendant
from Continental.
- Stu, this is serious.
- I know.
I mean, he wouldn't
cheat on me, would he?
Tim? No,
he'd never ch--
Although if there's a small chance
that this could lead
to you breaking up
and us dating, I am happy to investigate
further. Is there a small chance?
- Uh...
- That's all I needed.
Our Tim? There's no way, bro.
Amy sounded pretty suspicious.
He snuck off to Newark last night.
Dude, that could mean anything.
- Really?
- Yeah, maybe he's involved in cleaning up
our inner cities or, I don't know,
picking up trash, raking leaves.
Does any of this sound like Tim?
He's boning a Jersey chick, isn't he?
Yeah.
There they are.
- I gotta work on my entrances.
- We haven't seen you in a couple of weeks.
Yeah, what's going on?
It's been awhile.
- You guys find any work or...? - No, I'm
just doing the whole stay-at-home-dad thing.
- What does that mean?
- It means I stay at home with my child.
You need to have
a baby to do that.
- A-yup.
- Holy shit!
Where'd that come from?
Remember my wife fucked
that hockey player?
- You guys didn't get divorced?
- No, bro.
Have you ever seen
the lines at City Hall?
The paperwork?
It's just way too messy.
- That's disturbing.
- What about you, Tim?
- What you been up to, buddy?
- Uh, actually a lot.
I've been meaning to tell you guys that--
Ooh, where is he?
Come on, itsy-bitsy!
- That might be me.
- There you are, little man.
Been looking for you.
- Let's do this.
- Wh-- what are we doing?
Going in the ladies' room.
We're gonna run to the
ladies' room real quick.
Oh, Timbo.
That guy is a dog.
- Listen, little man.
- Yeah?
- This is serious.
- Uh-oh.
They're doing random
drug testing tomorrow
and I've been snorting coke
like it was candy.
If you want me to pee right now,
it's just not gonna happen.
No no no no no,
it need to be from a girl.
- Oh.
- Not you, a real girl.
- Get your girlfriend to do it.
- Amy? Amy won't do that.
No no no, Amy got to do that.
If she fucking with you, she
is disease-free and drug free.
She might be snorting coke
like it's candy.
- You don't know that. - I know what she
doing--she fucking with you,
so she clean.
She bored to death and she clean.
You get me that little
white-girl clean pee.
You gonna stick around for a beer?
Hello?
Amy, it's Stu, the man
of your future dreams.
- What?
- Tim's totally cheating on you.
What?! What makes you say that?
My suspicion started
when a girl entered the bar
and dragged Tim into the
women's room to screw.
- What?
- They went in, it was very quick.
They had sloppy bathroom sex.
My guess is she perched
him up on the sink...
- Oh!
- ...And they did it.
This is crazy!
What-- what's she like?
She's very tall and very confident.
- He's dating a model.
- Mmm.
Tim is having sex with a model.
Okay. Whatever-- whatever
gets your blood boiling.
Oh! Tim, I haven't
seen you since the layoffs.
I know.
Great catching up.
Um, listen, at the risk
of sounding forward,
I need some
drug-free female urine.
Can you just knock some off real quick?
Tim, I'm not peeing for you.
Tim? What the fuck
are you doing here?
- Hey, Stan, great to see you.
- Uh-huh.
Listen, you have a wife
and daughter, right?
Yeah? And?
Can I get some urine
from one or both of them?
You get weirder by the
fucking minute, don't you?
Listen, Marie, I know
this is a crazy request--
I need some female urine
and I kinda need it tonight.
I charge 50 bucks an ounce
or $200 a pint, which I
can produce on command.
I should've come to Marie first.
If I had a nickel for every man
that offered me cash for my urine--
I take PayPal as well.
- Hey, tall lady.
- What you call me?
I thought we could have
nicknames for each other.
You call me insulting names,
I call you positive things.
- Do you know what, little man?
- Yeah?
I like you. You got
a bright future here.
- Oh.
- Oh, the way you scored that urine...
- Mmm.
- ...That was impressive.
And the way you found
that Pizza Hut menu?
I would've never
looked up in the toilet.
- Boy, you is a bright one.
- Thank you.
- I'm gonna give you a bonus.
- A bonus?
- Watch this. One!
- Oh my God.
- Two!
- Are those $100 bills?
They are singles.
Three!
Four!
Five!
It's more of a tip than a bonus.
I appreciate it.
Thank you for the pee!
- That's it. Yeah!
- Tanya.
I need to have a word
with you about this.
Coach, I'm clean.
I swear.
Yeah, unfortunately
your test says otherwise.
- Wait, hold up, hold up.
- You've been taking steroids,
male growth hormones
and trace amounts of Viagra,
which we're just not gonna ask about.
- If you have a penis, that's your business.
- A penis?!
However, I have no choice but
to suspend you for a month.
- No no no no no! Coach!
- I know. You're our fifth best player.
- This is hard for me too.
- That little bitch-ass Tim.
Hey.
- What kind of pose is that?
- Where have you been?
I was with Stu.
We, um-- long story.
He wanted to take this baking class
to learn how to make strudel.
- No, it was not strudel baking class.
- No? No. It wasn't?
- No, Tim. Where have you been?
- Where?
What part of that story is unclear?
I don't know, the whole part of it?
Look who it is.
It's Stu-balls.
- Oh my God. What--
- He's lying to you, Amy.
- What are you doing here?
- I don't want to betray you, Tim, all right?
- Yeah?
- But when push comes to shove,
Amy's hotness outweighs
our friendship.
- I told her the truth.
- You're cheating on me?
- You're cheating on her.
- With a model from Newark?
From Newark, New Jersey.
- Oh my God.
- You're still denying it.
- I saw you with my own two eyes.
- Guys--
- Where's my little man?!
- You know what?
This is perfect actually.
It's gonna clear it all up.
Hey, Tanya.
Man, don't "hey" me. Where's
that little nasty girlfriend of yours?
Allow me to introduce you.
Amy, this is Tanya.
Oh, this is your girlfriend?
- That's the one.
- Yes, I am his girlfriend.
Let's get off on
the right foot here.
And you, you're the whore from Jersey?
What did that bitch call me?
She called me a whore?
- That's not nice.
- She doesn't look like a model.
Well, you ain't no Heidi Klum either,
you little pharmaceutical slut.
- What are you even talking about?
- You've been taking
- male growth hormones!
- Excuse me?
Here, taste 'em! In your face!
- Whoa!
- Oh my God! No no!
- What the hell is that?
- Oh, that's urine in your face.
That's what it is,
you drug-taking biatch!
Tim's lover just threw pee on Amy.
- We don't have to literally recap it.
- There was race,
there was sex, there was
drugs, sports-- everything.
- Stu?
- Yeah?
- You need to go.
- Okay.
Hey, Tanya, wait up!
Let's go get a drink!
Well, come on,
you fat bald fuck!
All right, we should
sit down for this one.
Yeah, I'd rather not
get urine on our couch.
That's a good point actually.
Um, listen, Amy,
Ernst & Young was a lie,
so was the Jersey pub crawl
and the strudel class.
- Shocker.
- All right, here's the truth.
You ready?
Tanya is a professional
women's basketball player
and I'm her personal assistant.
She makes me wipe the sweat
off of her crotch.
After my long job hunt,
I was just embarrassed
to tell you that
that was the best I could do.
You don't believe me, do you?
I actually do believe you.
- You do?
- The model thing was just way sexier.
This is just embarrassing.
For who?
For me or you?
You're the one
with urine on your face.
I feel like I came out of
this looking pretty good.
♪ No matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
Wow, that was quick.
All right.
Yeah. It's $9.75, man.
- $9.75.
- Mm-hmm.
Here's a 10-spot.
Why don't you just keep it?
I get to keep a quarter? Wow! Wow!
Thanks. Thank you.
Are you being sarcastic or do you
have an awkward way of talking?
Let me be honest with you, okay?
Everybody down at the restaurant...
- Yeah?
- ...We have a nickname for you.
- Timmy?
- No, it's not "Timmy."
We don't wanna know your name, man,
because your nickname
to us is Mr. 5%.
- Mr. 5%? No. Oh, come on.
- Yeah. Yes. Yeah.
- That's awful.
- Well, that's yours.
- No. Are you joking?
- You earned it.
- You're tipping a quarter...
- Holy shit.
...Like I gave you
a lollipop.
I base it on distance traveled.
- You guys are two doors down.
- Do me a favor.
- Just enjoy your lo mein...
- Okay.
...And hope to God
I didn't spit in it.
That's an awful way
to end the delivery.
Rodney, stop texting me
pictures of your cock.
- Hello?
- Hello?
Hello, I'm trying to reach Tim.
- Oh. Hey, who's this?
- Is-- is this Tim?
This is gene from Haverford insurance.
- No.
- Yes.
Listen, Tim, we'd like to see you
again for a second interview.
Oh, that's fantastic news.
Could you come in
tomorrow around noon?
That works for me.
I'll see you at noon.
Thank you very much for the call.
Okay, I look forward
to seeing you, Tim.
Thank you so much.
This is gonna be great, right?
- Tim?
- Oh, that was it. High-five me, Amy.
What's up?
No? Oh man,
they want me back
for a second interview
at the Haverford.
- Oh, the insurance place?
- The insurance place.
- Holy shit.
- That's great.
Um, I've got to do
something about this hair.
- This is a disaster.
- What-- what's wrong with your hair?
What's wrong with my hair?
It's out of control.
Define
"out of control."
You don't think I look
like Phil Spector?
I've never even noticed
that your hair changes length.
- You think this is how I normally look?
- Well, I mean,
- it never looks great...
- It never looks great.
...But it never
looks bad.
Is that an insult or a compliment?
Hmm. Both?
Hey, Brenda, listen.
I've got to get in real
quick and see Rodrigo.
- Mmm, my name's not Brenda.
- Oh, whatever it is,
I've got to get in
real quick and see Rodrigo.
Rodrigo's no longer with the salon.
- What?! - He informed his valued
clients of the switch.
- The cards have already gone out.
- I wasn't a valued client?
- The cards have already gone out.
- The cards have--
- I didn't get a card.
- The cards have already gone out.
Where's Rod-- Stop saying "The
cards have already gone out."
- Where-- - They've already gone out.
How else can I phrase it?
No, me and Rodrigo
made great small talk.
- We always talked about--
- Do you consider this good small talk?
- This is not great.
- You're giving me zero to work with here.
How are you the front desk lady?
I'm an attractive woman
with a nice haircut.
Oh my God.
I'm not feeling it.
You know what?
We have somebody...
- Yeah? - ...Available who has taken
on all of the abandoned clients
that Rodrigo left behind,
you being one of them.
- That sounds good. Which one--
- This is Pete.
Hey! Yabba dabba doo, huh?
Come on! My name's Pete.
Come into this chair.
You're gonna love
what I do to your head.
Honestly, I can't do it
simply based on the fact that
you said "Yabba dabba doo,"
that your name is Pete
and that you look like that.
Your head, my hands, right now.
- No, you're not touching me.
- Wow.
You really--
you cut hair for a living?
- Every day. - You look like
you should be driving a forklift.
You know, for a guy
with a lame haircut,
you really are very opinionated.
You really shouldn't be
sitting at the front desk
if you're gonna talk
like that to people.
- How do you want me to talk?
- In a vivacious manner.
- Hey! Welcome!
- Hey, guy with the lame haircut...
- Oh my God.
- ...You're really opinionated.
Oh snap, son.
How did that feel?
- It's okay.
- Somebody doesn't have a bishop anymore.
- It's-- it's a long game.
- ♪ You're getting stu'd by Stu ♪
♪ and there's nothing you can do ♪
♪ you're losing to Stu ♪
♪ at chess,
cha-cha-cha-cha. ♪
I could really do without the songs.
- Hey, what's going on there, Stu?
- Hey, Timbo.
What is this?
You do this every day?
Every day, man.
Keeps me centered.
- What are you up to?
- I've got a crisis here.
Listen, do you still go to Rodrigo?
- No, I switched years ago.
- Oh.
You've got to try my new guy.
You're not known for your
hair exactly, are you?
- His name's Dante.
- Dante?
- Yeah.
- What's his last name?
- Infierno. Dante Infierno.
- Oh my God.
- Yeah.
- I like that a lot actually.
- That's what I'm saying.
- Think you can get me in?
- I'll try.
- I've got an interview today at noon.
- I've got to look good.
- All right, well,
I'm in the middle
of a heated chess match, Tim.
What's more important here, my haircut
or a chess match with this guy?
Neither of them
are terribly important...
- Yeah?
- ...But I'm gonna go with you on this one.
- Thank you.
- Could you not call me "this guy"?
I have a name.
It's Arthur.
Oh, I thought your name was...
♪ You got stu'd by Stu ♪
♪ and nobody can do it
better than Stu-u. ♪
- Stu-balls, top of the charts.
- Oh my God.
- Here we are.
- Stu.
This is how we do, right?
- This is where you get your haircut?
- This is how I do, man.
Stu-y!
- Dante!
Come on in, come on in, come on in.
- Aw. Dante, let's do our handshake.
- Welcome to the shop.
Dante's inferno is on fire.
- There you go. Blickety-bla-bam.
- Bam. Bam.
- Bam. Bam.
- Come on, a little slip, a little slide.
Let's do a little--
Uh-oh. I'm falling down. I need my cape.
- Got you up.
- I'm tiring out. Get me up.
- Please don't go. Come on.
- Get me up. All right.
- That's a long introduction.
- Oh, Tim. Tim, my bad.
- Dante, I would like to introduce you...
- Hey. Hey.
- ...To someone I know-- Tim.
- Tim, come on in here.
Sit down. Have a seat.
We do everybody's hair.
- This is exciting.
- What do you like?
You want the Arsenio Hall?
You want the Grace Jones?
- Don King?
- None of the above.
Can I get the Tim? Can I make it
look like me but a little shorter?
- Okay, you're an easy customer.
- Does that sound good?
Wait. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
What's that?
A buzzer?
- Yeah.
- No, Rodrigo always used the scissors.
Who the fuck is Rodrigo?
- Rodrigo's my old guy.
- Tim, stop talking about Rodrigo.
With all due respect, Rodrigo
always used to use the scissors
and then we always made small talk
about movies and things like that.
Well, with all due respect,
in my chair we talk about big butts
and we talk about
big ol' titties, okay?
Those are the only two
small-talk options?
Yeah.
The buzzer won't work on Tim!
You can't do the Tim with the buzzer.
Tim, if I can cut Al Roker's hair,
I think I can cut yours.
Dante, with all due respect--
I can't stress that enough--
how hard could it be
to cut Al Roker's hair?
- Oh shit.
- What did you say?
- It's probably done in two min--
- Thin ice, Tim!
I'm just saying,
it can't possibly take
more than two minutes
to cut the guy's hair.
- Oh really?
- I'm trying to make a joke.
- You guys joke around.
- What were you getting ready to say?
- Oh, now what? - I'm trying to make jokes
the way you guys make jokes.
"You g"-- what do
you mean by "you guys"?
- The hell you mean by "you guys"?
- Oh my God.
- He means black people.
- Stu, I-- I tell you,
I-- I appreciate
your business
and then again I don't.
I think it's time
for you guys to leave.
- No no no. No.
- Leave? You didn't cut anything yet.
Don't-don't-don't--
Don't do that. Don't do that.
Stu, let me be honest with you.
We only put your picture up when
we know you're coming in, okay?
Now you're going out.
Take it with you.
- Please don't do this. - I had no idea
the buzzer was such a hot-button issue.
All I can do is apologize.
Really? Do you want to
apologize for being so vain?
- I'm not vain, Stu.
- You're not vain?
- I want the same haircut.
- You are like an aging- gay-man vain.
Listen, let's relax.
Let's take the energy down.
I've got a half-hour
till my interview.
I just wanna breathe.
I wanna focus.
- Man, look at this hair. This is
Oh oh oh!
- Hey hey hey! What the fuck are you doing?
- This is craz--
- checking my hair.
- This is a rearview mirror, my friend.
It's a safety device and you are
impeding my use of it, sir.
- It's a safety device?
- Do you understand the alertness
that I have to operate at
24 hours a day?
- There's a system.
- Sir...
- Boom! Right mirror. Boom! Left mirror.
- Oh my God.
Boom! Your stupid mug
in my face.
- Stop it!
- Sir, I'm checking my hair.
- Take it easy.
- Let me ask you a question,
- take-it-easy guy.
- Yeah? Oh my God.
Would you go into the cockpit
of, say, a stealth bomber
and check your ridiculous hair?
- That's a little different.
- Don't push it.
How is that different?
How is it different, smart guy?
In every way imaginable.
You're driving a cab.
Driving a New York cab
is one of the most challenging
piloting jobs available to a person.
- Piloting?
- Yeah, piloting.
- Piloting?
- What do you-- what do you mean?
- You're not a pilot.
- You're really combative, Tim.
I'm flying the car, am I not?
- You're not flying the car.
- I'm not flying a car?
It's a Ford Taurus. A lot of 18-year-old
girls get them for graduation.
Holy shit, are you comparing me to--
- Oh my God!
- Ah!
Well, it looks like it's not so easy to
drive one of these after all, huh, Tim?
Oh, we're down.
We're down.
What a disaster. Oh my God.
I've got 20 minutes here.
- We'll get-- we'll figure this out.
- Guys. Guys.
- Hey.
- Hey, I need you to do me a favor.
- What do you need?
- A favor? You almost killed us, sir.
- No, listen to me. Listen.
- You're still eating the meatball sub.
- This guy has really got some nerve.
- Look, welcome to New York.
Can I just ask you a question?
- Yeah?
- I need you to do me a favor.
I'm talking from my heart here.
This is me. Can you see me?
Can you see my heart?
Look, if they tow my cab,
I'm gonna be grounded forever.
I've got too many violations.
I need your help.
- What can we do? What can we do for you?
- We can't help.
Just drive my-- listen to me.
It'll be fun.
Just drive my cab
to the dispatch station.
- No.
- It's very close to where you're going.
- Not gonna be a problem.
- We're not. We can't.
I've got a big interview
in 20 minutes.
No no no, look look look.
- I'll do you the solid.
- Yeah?
- Here's what I want in return.
- Clock is ticking.
That hat.
I want your hat.
- You've got it.
- Great.
- What? No.
- Hat's yours.
- Deal.
- Deal? There's no deal.
This is a win-win, Tim.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah. He keeps his license,
you get to do your interview on time
and I get a hat which, in retrospect,
I should've smelled before put it on.
- Always gotta smell the hat first.
- You've gotta smell
the hat before you take it.
- Every time.
- All right, let's just drive.
We've got 19 minutes.
Let's do this interview.
Wait. What are you doing?
- Whoa. Hey, don't tell me how to do my job.
- Hey.
- Don't pull over. What are you doing?
- Legally, I have to pick up
any fare within the five boroughs
or my boss comes down on me.
Stu, you're not a cab driver.
- My hat begs to differ, buddy.
- Holy shit.
Oh, thank you.
I'm going to Prince and Broadway,
- Rodrigo's hair salon.
- You've got it.
Rod-- you son
of a bitch.
- Excuse me?
- You made the cut and I didn't.
- What's--
- My hair blows yours away.
Unbelievable.
All right, let's go to Rodrigo's.
- Let's do this.
- What do you guys want me to take?
The F.D.R. or go down 2nd Ave?
- It's three blocks from here.
- All right.
Rodrigo!
Your worst nightmare.
Oh! Tim!
Why was I not notified of the switch?
Ah. Right, the switch.
- Yes, the switch.
- I-- I wanted to notify you.
- You did?
- Yes, I just--
I didn't know your last name.
- You didn't know it?
- You would always call, you would say,
"Tim for 3:00 P.M.
Let's go. Goodbye."
That was it.
The phone was over.
I'm not great on the phone.
I will admit that.
- Yeah, that was it.
- So you wanted to notify me?
- Of course I wanted to notify you.
- That's actually great.
I'm glad it was a misunderstanding.
- Um, listen.
- Yes?
I've got nine minutes.
Could you give me
a superfast emergency cut?
- What, like next week?
- No, right now.
Literally, right now.
Start cutting in one minute.
- I am in the middle of something, you can see.
- Please?
- Please? - I have
my hands in this man's hair.
- I've got eight minutes now.
- You know what? I want to do this.
- You do? Oh, I love it.
- Yes, I do!
Everyone, stop what you're doing!
- Nice.
- We need to cut Tim's hair.
- Wow, you sto--
- That's right. Everyone look!
This is Tim.
He's here.
And it's about time we all stood up
and did whatever he said.
Let's get him shampooed
and let's do this!
You know, I-- I'm feeling
like trying something new.
- New?
- Yeah, let's try something fun.
No, just give me the Tim.
- How about this?
- Here we go.
What are you-- the buzzer?
Yes, this is fun.
What?! Ah! No!
What are you, crazy?!
I'm gonna call this
the reverse Mr. T.
- The reverse Mr. T?
- Yeah. You don't love it?
Holy shit.
What did you do?
- Have you lost your mind?
- You want to know the truth, Tim?
I left you off the
mailing list on purpose.
- What?
- But I'm glad you found me.
That chop job I just did was
for five years of bad tips.
No, 8% is considered standard.
It is not. It's for not respecting
our cancelation policy.
Come on, it's not like it's an
airline ticket or something.
It is for the time
you told our shampoo girl
that shampooing is not a career.
- Did I say that?
- Yes, you did.
And I need you to learn to respect
other peoples' jobs, Tim.
Hmm. Cause for much
introspection.
I think Roberta,
the shampoo artist,
is expressing how we all feel inside.
You're #1.
That's what she's saying.
You are #1.
I think we mutually agree
that I nailed this interview.
And why don't we get
into salary demands?
Um, I really wanna hire you, Tim...
- That's great.
- ...But you are not making it easy.
- I'm not? Why?
- It's your hair.
Oh, this haircut?
Really?
You seem mentally unstable.
Huh. I have never
lost a job due to my--
my flair for exciting hairstyles.
♪ And brother, if I stepped
on a worn-out dime ♪
♪ I bet a nickel I could tell
you if it was heads or tails ♪
♪ I'm not gonna worry
wrinkles in my brow ♪
♪ 'cause nothing's ever
gonna be all right nohow ♪
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
that's getting kinda mad ♪
♪ I had lots of luck
but it's all been bad ♪
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
So this is exciting.
- I mean, finally, a new job.
- It's the--
it's the pinnacle of excitement.
I mean, Ernst & Young--
it definitely is.
It's a step up from Omnicorp.
It's impressive,
the whole-- the whole bit.
Oh, you know what?
Here's my stop.
- I'm gonna hop off.
- All right.
- Have fun.
- Good luck today.
- Thank you. Ernst & Young.
- Love you.
So Ernst & Young next?
Oh no, I actually need
to go to the outskirts
of Newark, New Jersey.
Oh, okay.
Lying to your lady?
- Oh, you heard that?
- Yeah.
- A little lie.
- What do you doing, drugs?
Transvestites?
Gambling?
I don't need to be judged right now.
It's been a rough year.
Boo-hoo.
- Oh, hey there, coach.
- Hey, you.
I'm Tim, Tanya's assistant.
Oh, right, yeah yeah.
Don't care.
I'm sorry I'm late, by the way.
I hope I didn't hold anything up.
You're not part of the team,
so it never matters to me
- what time you're here.
- That's not nice.
- How's Tanya doing? - Oh, she's in a much
better mood than yesterday.
- I hope so.
- Where the fuck's my little man?!
- Hey, Tanya, over here.
- You on Tanya time, boy!
Get over here and wipe me down!
I needs my towel!
You needs your towel?
I gotta run to the towel room.
Uh, no no no, you've got
to get over here now
- and dry me off with whatever you got!
- I can't dry--
I need a towel to dry you, Tanya.
You're not being reasonable.
Take off your shirt.
Take off my shirt?
I'm not doing it.
Oh my God. Fine.
No no no no, get up under them pits.
- Under the pits.
- Let's go, Tim.
- All right.
- Yes, that's it. Ah.
This is really crossing many lines.
Oh, you ain't seen
crossing the line, Tim.
- Get down there in the crotch.
- Oh my God! Tanya, please.
- Get up under there.
- As far as bosses go,
you think you're a reasonable person?
Boy, if I had a dick, I'd
slap you in the face with it!
Hey, how was your day?
Oh great.
Just another day at Ernst & Young.
I told Julie about the job and
she was really impressed.
It's prestigious.
I'm not gonna lie.
Whoops. Let me take this.
- Hello?
- I thinks you better get over here!
What? No no.
No, I'm not--
I'm not going to Newark tonight.
I can't.
I-- I'm at home.
I refuse.
Fine, I'm coming.
- Hey. - Did I just hear you say
you're going to Newark?
- No.
- That's what you just said.
- I said Newark?
- Well, I--
I'm going to Newark.
- It's, uh, Stu's birthday.
- Oh.
We forgot.
Rodney said, "Let's just organize
a quick pub crawl
through... North Jersey."
- You're going to Jersey right now?
- Mmm.
- Really?
- Yeah, we're gonna start in Newark,
finish up in,
like, Fort Lee or--
just an impromptu Jersey pub crawl.
Yeah, pretty much. You never did that?
You guys don't do that?
Uh, no.
Just candles, cake, beer and Newark.
- I gotta get out of here.
- Bye.
All right, see ya later.
Hey, Tanya, I rushed over
as fast as I could.
What's going on?
What's the emergency?
Oh, I can't find my Pizza Hut menu.
That's why you called me?
- Yeah.
- Tanya, I'm not happy that that's why
you called me from Manhattan.
- That's your job.
- You really need to show me a little respect.
That's what I'm doing.
I'm giving you stuff to do.
Now can you go ahead, crawl around the
floor and look for that menu for me?
- I'd rather not.
- Don't talk back to me!
That's not ta-- that's
having a conversation.
- No, you s--
- You yell too easily.
- You really get angry.
- You're sassing me!
- Stop using them big words!
- I'm not sassing you.
I'm just saying--
I went to college.
Whoopy doopy doopy damn do.
I done seen a college too.
Now get your little ass
and find my menu!
And don't mess with the little
dildos and whatnots under my bed!
- Yeah?
- Stu, it's Amy.
Am I dreaming right now?
No, I just wanted to call
and say Happy Birthday.
Oh, and you couldn't wait
till February, huh?
You guys aren't in Newark
on a pub crawl?
Who goes to Newark for pub crawls
besides murderers
and public school teachers?
- No, absolutely not.
- Okay, this is weird.
- Why? - Why would he need
to lie about going to Newark?
Let's see, I've watched
a lot of "Matlock."
He's either shopping at Ikea
and wants to keep it a secret
or he's throwing his weird bone
in a flight attendant
from Continental.
- Stu, this is serious.
- I know.
I mean, he wouldn't
cheat on me, would he?
Tim? No,
he'd never ch--
Although if there's a small chance
that this could lead
to you breaking up
and us dating, I am happy to investigate
further. Is there a small chance?
- Uh...
- That's all I needed.
Our Tim? There's no way, bro.
Amy sounded pretty suspicious.
He snuck off to Newark last night.
Dude, that could mean anything.
- Really?
- Yeah, maybe he's involved in cleaning up
our inner cities or, I don't know,
picking up trash, raking leaves.
Does any of this sound like Tim?
He's boning a Jersey chick, isn't he?
Yeah.
There they are.
- I gotta work on my entrances.
- We haven't seen you in a couple of weeks.
Yeah, what's going on?
It's been awhile.
- You guys find any work or...? - No, I'm
just doing the whole stay-at-home-dad thing.
- What does that mean?
- It means I stay at home with my child.
You need to have
a baby to do that.
- A-yup.
- Holy shit!
Where'd that come from?
Remember my wife fucked
that hockey player?
- You guys didn't get divorced?
- No, bro.
Have you ever seen
the lines at City Hall?
The paperwork?
It's just way too messy.
- That's disturbing.
- What about you, Tim?
- What you been up to, buddy?
- Uh, actually a lot.
I've been meaning to tell you guys that--
Ooh, where is he?
Come on, itsy-bitsy!
- That might be me.
- There you are, little man.
Been looking for you.
- Let's do this.
- Wh-- what are we doing?
Going in the ladies' room.
We're gonna run to the
ladies' room real quick.
Oh, Timbo.
That guy is a dog.
- Listen, little man.
- Yeah?
- This is serious.
- Uh-oh.
They're doing random
drug testing tomorrow
and I've been snorting coke
like it was candy.
If you want me to pee right now,
it's just not gonna happen.
No no no no no,
it need to be from a girl.
- Oh.
- Not you, a real girl.
- Get your girlfriend to do it.
- Amy? Amy won't do that.
No no no, Amy got to do that.
If she fucking with you, she
is disease-free and drug free.
She might be snorting coke
like it's candy.
- You don't know that. - I know what she
doing--she fucking with you,
so she clean.
She bored to death and she clean.
You get me that little
white-girl clean pee.
You gonna stick around for a beer?
Hello?
Amy, it's Stu, the man
of your future dreams.
- What?
- Tim's totally cheating on you.
What?! What makes you say that?
My suspicion started
when a girl entered the bar
and dragged Tim into the
women's room to screw.
- What?
- They went in, it was very quick.
They had sloppy bathroom sex.
My guess is she perched
him up on the sink...
- Oh!
- ...And they did it.
This is crazy!
What-- what's she like?
She's very tall and very confident.
- He's dating a model.
- Mmm.
Tim is having sex with a model.
Okay. Whatever-- whatever
gets your blood boiling.
Oh! Tim, I haven't
seen you since the layoffs.
I know.
Great catching up.
Um, listen, at the risk
of sounding forward,
I need some
drug-free female urine.
Can you just knock some off real quick?
Tim, I'm not peeing for you.
Tim? What the fuck
are you doing here?
- Hey, Stan, great to see you.
- Uh-huh.
Listen, you have a wife
and daughter, right?
Yeah? And?
Can I get some urine
from one or both of them?
You get weirder by the
fucking minute, don't you?
Listen, Marie, I know
this is a crazy request--
I need some female urine
and I kinda need it tonight.
I charge 50 bucks an ounce
or $200 a pint, which I
can produce on command.
I should've come to Marie first.
If I had a nickel for every man
that offered me cash for my urine--
I take PayPal as well.
- Hey, tall lady.
- What you call me?
I thought we could have
nicknames for each other.
You call me insulting names,
I call you positive things.
- Do you know what, little man?
- Yeah?
I like you. You got
a bright future here.
- Oh.
- Oh, the way you scored that urine...
- Mmm.
- ...That was impressive.
And the way you found
that Pizza Hut menu?
I would've never
looked up in the toilet.
- Boy, you is a bright one.
- Thank you.
- I'm gonna give you a bonus.
- A bonus?
- Watch this. One!
- Oh my God.
- Two!
- Are those $100 bills?
They are singles.
Three!
Four!
Five!
It's more of a tip than a bonus.
I appreciate it.
Thank you for the pee!
- That's it. Yeah!
- Tanya.
I need to have a word
with you about this.
Coach, I'm clean.
I swear.
Yeah, unfortunately
your test says otherwise.
- Wait, hold up, hold up.
- You've been taking steroids,
male growth hormones
and trace amounts of Viagra,
which we're just not gonna ask about.
- If you have a penis, that's your business.
- A penis?!
However, I have no choice but
to suspend you for a month.
- No no no no no! Coach!
- I know. You're our fifth best player.
- This is hard for me too.
- That little bitch-ass Tim.
Hey.
- What kind of pose is that?
- Where have you been?
I was with Stu.
We, um-- long story.
He wanted to take this baking class
to learn how to make strudel.
- No, it was not strudel baking class.
- No? No. It wasn't?
- No, Tim. Where have you been?
- Where?
What part of that story is unclear?
I don't know, the whole part of it?
Look who it is.
It's Stu-balls.
- Oh my God. What--
- He's lying to you, Amy.
- What are you doing here?
- I don't want to betray you, Tim, all right?
- Yeah?
- But when push comes to shove,
Amy's hotness outweighs
our friendship.
- I told her the truth.
- You're cheating on me?
- You're cheating on her.
- With a model from Newark?
From Newark, New Jersey.
- Oh my God.
- You're still denying it.
- I saw you with my own two eyes.
- Guys--
- Where's my little man?!
- You know what?
This is perfect actually.
It's gonna clear it all up.
Hey, Tanya.
Man, don't "hey" me. Where's
that little nasty girlfriend of yours?
Allow me to introduce you.
Amy, this is Tanya.
Oh, this is your girlfriend?
- That's the one.
- Yes, I am his girlfriend.
Let's get off on
the right foot here.
And you, you're the whore from Jersey?
What did that bitch call me?
She called me a whore?
- That's not nice.
- She doesn't look like a model.
Well, you ain't no Heidi Klum either,
you little pharmaceutical slut.
- What are you even talking about?
- You've been taking
- male growth hormones!
- Excuse me?
Here, taste 'em! In your face!
- Whoa!
- Oh my God! No no!
- What the hell is that?
- Oh, that's urine in your face.
That's what it is,
you drug-taking biatch!
Tim's lover just threw pee on Amy.
- We don't have to literally recap it.
- There was race,
there was sex, there was
drugs, sports-- everything.
- Stu?
- Yeah?
- You need to go.
- Okay.
Hey, Tanya, wait up!
Let's go get a drink!
Well, come on,
you fat bald fuck!
All right, we should
sit down for this one.
Yeah, I'd rather not
get urine on our couch.
That's a good point actually.
Um, listen, Amy,
Ernst & Young was a lie,
so was the Jersey pub crawl
and the strudel class.
- Shocker.
- All right, here's the truth.
You ready?
Tanya is a professional
women's basketball player
and I'm her personal assistant.
She makes me wipe the sweat
off of her crotch.
After my long job hunt,
I was just embarrassed
to tell you that
that was the best I could do.
You don't believe me, do you?
I actually do believe you.
- You do?
- The model thing was just way sexier.
This is just embarrassing.
For who?
For me or you?
You're the one
with urine on your face.
I feel like I came out of
this looking pretty good.
♪ No matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
Wow, that was quick.
All right.
Yeah. It's $9.75, man.
- $9.75.
- Mm-hmm.
Here's a 10-spot.
Why don't you just keep it?
I get to keep a quarter? Wow! Wow!
Thanks. Thank you.
Are you being sarcastic or do you
have an awkward way of talking?
Let me be honest with you, okay?
Everybody down at the restaurant...
- Yeah?
- ...We have a nickname for you.
- Timmy?
- No, it's not "Timmy."
We don't wanna know your name, man,
because your nickname
to us is Mr. 5%.
- Mr. 5%? No. Oh, come on.
- Yeah. Yes. Yeah.
- That's awful.
- Well, that's yours.
- No. Are you joking?
- You earned it.
- You're tipping a quarter...
- Holy shit.
...Like I gave you
a lollipop.
I base it on distance traveled.
- You guys are two doors down.
- Do me a favor.
- Just enjoy your lo mein...
- Okay.
...And hope to God
I didn't spit in it.
That's an awful way
to end the delivery.
Rodney, stop texting me
pictures of your cock.
- Hello?
- Hello?
Hello, I'm trying to reach Tim.
- Oh. Hey, who's this?
- Is-- is this Tim?
This is gene from Haverford insurance.
- No.
- Yes.
Listen, Tim, we'd like to see you
again for a second interview.
Oh, that's fantastic news.
Could you come in
tomorrow around noon?
That works for me.
I'll see you at noon.
Thank you very much for the call.
Okay, I look forward
to seeing you, Tim.
Thank you so much.
This is gonna be great, right?
- Tim?
- Oh, that was it. High-five me, Amy.
What's up?
No? Oh man,
they want me back
for a second interview
at the Haverford.
- Oh, the insurance place?
- The insurance place.
- Holy shit.
- That's great.
Um, I've got to do
something about this hair.
- This is a disaster.
- What-- what's wrong with your hair?
What's wrong with my hair?
It's out of control.
Define
"out of control."
You don't think I look
like Phil Spector?
I've never even noticed
that your hair changes length.
- You think this is how I normally look?
- Well, I mean,
- it never looks great...
- It never looks great.
...But it never
looks bad.
Is that an insult or a compliment?
Hmm. Both?
Hey, Brenda, listen.
I've got to get in real
quick and see Rodrigo.
- Mmm, my name's not Brenda.
- Oh, whatever it is,
I've got to get in
real quick and see Rodrigo.
Rodrigo's no longer with the salon.
- What?! - He informed his valued
clients of the switch.
- The cards have already gone out.
- I wasn't a valued client?
- The cards have already gone out.
- The cards have--
- I didn't get a card.
- The cards have already gone out.
Where's Rod-- Stop saying "The
cards have already gone out."
- Where-- - They've already gone out.
How else can I phrase it?
No, me and Rodrigo
made great small talk.
- We always talked about--
- Do you consider this good small talk?
- This is not great.
- You're giving me zero to work with here.
How are you the front desk lady?
I'm an attractive woman
with a nice haircut.
Oh my God.
I'm not feeling it.
You know what?
We have somebody...
- Yeah? - ...Available who has taken
on all of the abandoned clients
that Rodrigo left behind,
you being one of them.
- That sounds good. Which one--
- This is Pete.
Hey! Yabba dabba doo, huh?
Come on! My name's Pete.
Come into this chair.
You're gonna love
what I do to your head.
Honestly, I can't do it
simply based on the fact that
you said "Yabba dabba doo,"
that your name is Pete
and that you look like that.
Your head, my hands, right now.
- No, you're not touching me.
- Wow.
You really--
you cut hair for a living?
- Every day. - You look like
you should be driving a forklift.
You know, for a guy
with a lame haircut,
you really are very opinionated.
You really shouldn't be
sitting at the front desk
if you're gonna talk
like that to people.
- How do you want me to talk?
- In a vivacious manner.
- Hey! Welcome!
- Hey, guy with the lame haircut...
- Oh my God.
- ...You're really opinionated.
Oh snap, son.
How did that feel?
- It's okay.
- Somebody doesn't have a bishop anymore.
- It's-- it's a long game.
- ♪ You're getting stu'd by Stu ♪
♪ and there's nothing you can do ♪
♪ you're losing to Stu ♪
♪ at chess,
cha-cha-cha-cha. ♪
I could really do without the songs.
- Hey, what's going on there, Stu?
- Hey, Timbo.
What is this?
You do this every day?
Every day, man.
Keeps me centered.
- What are you up to?
- I've got a crisis here.
Listen, do you still go to Rodrigo?
- No, I switched years ago.
- Oh.
You've got to try my new guy.
You're not known for your
hair exactly, are you?
- His name's Dante.
- Dante?
- Yeah.
- What's his last name?
- Infierno. Dante Infierno.
- Oh my God.
- Yeah.
- I like that a lot actually.
- That's what I'm saying.
- Think you can get me in?
- I'll try.
- I've got an interview today at noon.
- I've got to look good.
- All right, well,
I'm in the middle
of a heated chess match, Tim.
What's more important here, my haircut
or a chess match with this guy?
Neither of them
are terribly important...
- Yeah?
- ...But I'm gonna go with you on this one.
- Thank you.
- Could you not call me "this guy"?
I have a name.
It's Arthur.
Oh, I thought your name was...
♪ You got stu'd by Stu ♪
♪ and nobody can do it
better than Stu-u. ♪
- Stu-balls, top of the charts.
- Oh my God.
- Here we are.
- Stu.
This is how we do, right?
- This is where you get your haircut?
- This is how I do, man.
Stu-y!
- Dante!
Come on in, come on in, come on in.
- Aw. Dante, let's do our handshake.
- Welcome to the shop.
Dante's inferno is on fire.
- There you go. Blickety-bla-bam.
- Bam. Bam.
- Bam. Bam.
- Come on, a little slip, a little slide.
Let's do a little--
Uh-oh. I'm falling down. I need my cape.
- Got you up.
- I'm tiring out. Get me up.
- Please don't go. Come on.
- Get me up. All right.
- That's a long introduction.
- Oh, Tim. Tim, my bad.
- Dante, I would like to introduce you...
- Hey. Hey.
- ...To someone I know-- Tim.
- Tim, come on in here.
Sit down. Have a seat.
We do everybody's hair.
- This is exciting.
- What do you like?
You want the Arsenio Hall?
You want the Grace Jones?
- Don King?
- None of the above.
Can I get the Tim? Can I make it
look like me but a little shorter?
- Okay, you're an easy customer.
- Does that sound good?
Wait. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
What's that?
A buzzer?
- Yeah.
- No, Rodrigo always used the scissors.
Who the fuck is Rodrigo?
- Rodrigo's my old guy.
- Tim, stop talking about Rodrigo.
With all due respect, Rodrigo
always used to use the scissors
and then we always made small talk
about movies and things like that.
Well, with all due respect,
in my chair we talk about big butts
and we talk about
big ol' titties, okay?
Those are the only two
small-talk options?
Yeah.
The buzzer won't work on Tim!
You can't do the Tim with the buzzer.
Tim, if I can cut Al Roker's hair,
I think I can cut yours.
Dante, with all due respect--
I can't stress that enough--
how hard could it be
to cut Al Roker's hair?
- Oh shit.
- What did you say?
- It's probably done in two min--
- Thin ice, Tim!
I'm just saying,
it can't possibly take
more than two minutes
to cut the guy's hair.
- Oh really?
- I'm trying to make a joke.
- You guys joke around.
- What were you getting ready to say?
- Oh, now what? - I'm trying to make jokes
the way you guys make jokes.
"You g"-- what do
you mean by "you guys"?
- The hell you mean by "you guys"?
- Oh my God.
- He means black people.
- Stu, I-- I tell you,
I-- I appreciate
your business
and then again I don't.
I think it's time
for you guys to leave.
- No no no. No.
- Leave? You didn't cut anything yet.
Don't-don't-don't--
Don't do that. Don't do that.
Stu, let me be honest with you.
We only put your picture up when
we know you're coming in, okay?
Now you're going out.
Take it with you.
- Please don't do this. - I had no idea
the buzzer was such a hot-button issue.
All I can do is apologize.
Really? Do you want to
apologize for being so vain?
- I'm not vain, Stu.
- You're not vain?
- I want the same haircut.
- You are like an aging- gay-man vain.
Listen, let's relax.
Let's take the energy down.
I've got a half-hour
till my interview.
I just wanna breathe.
I wanna focus.
- Man, look at this hair. This is
Oh oh oh!
- Hey hey hey! What the fuck are you doing?
- This is craz--
- checking my hair.
- This is a rearview mirror, my friend.
It's a safety device and you are
impeding my use of it, sir.
- It's a safety device?
- Do you understand the alertness
that I have to operate at
24 hours a day?
- There's a system.
- Sir...
- Boom! Right mirror. Boom! Left mirror.
- Oh my God.
Boom! Your stupid mug
in my face.
- Stop it!
- Sir, I'm checking my hair.
- Take it easy.
- Let me ask you a question,
- take-it-easy guy.
- Yeah? Oh my God.
Would you go into the cockpit
of, say, a stealth bomber
and check your ridiculous hair?
- That's a little different.
- Don't push it.
How is that different?
How is it different, smart guy?
In every way imaginable.
You're driving a cab.
Driving a New York cab
is one of the most challenging
piloting jobs available to a person.
- Piloting?
- Yeah, piloting.
- Piloting?
- What do you-- what do you mean?
- You're not a pilot.
- You're really combative, Tim.
I'm flying the car, am I not?
- You're not flying the car.
- I'm not flying a car?
It's a Ford Taurus. A lot of 18-year-old
girls get them for graduation.
Holy shit, are you comparing me to--
- Oh my God!
- Ah!
Well, it looks like it's not so easy to
drive one of these after all, huh, Tim?
Oh, we're down.
We're down.
What a disaster. Oh my God.
I've got 20 minutes here.
- We'll get-- we'll figure this out.
- Guys. Guys.
- Hey.
- Hey, I need you to do me a favor.
- What do you need?
- A favor? You almost killed us, sir.
- No, listen to me. Listen.
- You're still eating the meatball sub.
- This guy has really got some nerve.
- Look, welcome to New York.
Can I just ask you a question?
- Yeah?
- I need you to do me a favor.
I'm talking from my heart here.
This is me. Can you see me?
Can you see my heart?
Look, if they tow my cab,
I'm gonna be grounded forever.
I've got too many violations.
I need your help.
- What can we do? What can we do for you?
- We can't help.
Just drive my-- listen to me.
It'll be fun.
Just drive my cab
to the dispatch station.
- No.
- It's very close to where you're going.
- Not gonna be a problem.
- We're not. We can't.
I've got a big interview
in 20 minutes.
No no no, look look look.
- I'll do you the solid.
- Yeah?
- Here's what I want in return.
- Clock is ticking.
That hat.
I want your hat.
- You've got it.
- Great.
- What? No.
- Hat's yours.
- Deal.
- Deal? There's no deal.
This is a win-win, Tim.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah. He keeps his license,
you get to do your interview on time
and I get a hat which, in retrospect,
I should've smelled before put it on.
- Always gotta smell the hat first.
- You've gotta smell
the hat before you take it.
- Every time.
- All right, let's just drive.
We've got 19 minutes.
Let's do this interview.
Wait. What are you doing?
- Whoa. Hey, don't tell me how to do my job.
- Hey.
- Don't pull over. What are you doing?
- Legally, I have to pick up
any fare within the five boroughs
or my boss comes down on me.
Stu, you're not a cab driver.
- My hat begs to differ, buddy.
- Holy shit.
Oh, thank you.
I'm going to Prince and Broadway,
- Rodrigo's hair salon.
- You've got it.
Rod-- you son
of a bitch.
- Excuse me?
- You made the cut and I didn't.
- What's--
- My hair blows yours away.
Unbelievable.
All right, let's go to Rodrigo's.
- Let's do this.
- What do you guys want me to take?
The F.D.R. or go down 2nd Ave?
- It's three blocks from here.
- All right.
Rodrigo!
Your worst nightmare.
Oh! Tim!
Why was I not notified of the switch?
Ah. Right, the switch.
- Yes, the switch.
- I-- I wanted to notify you.
- You did?
- Yes, I just--
I didn't know your last name.
- You didn't know it?
- You would always call, you would say,
"Tim for 3:00 P.M.
Let's go. Goodbye."
That was it.
The phone was over.
I'm not great on the phone.
I will admit that.
- Yeah, that was it.
- So you wanted to notify me?
- Of course I wanted to notify you.
- That's actually great.
I'm glad it was a misunderstanding.
- Um, listen.
- Yes?
I've got nine minutes.
Could you give me
a superfast emergency cut?
- What, like next week?
- No, right now.
Literally, right now.
Start cutting in one minute.
- I am in the middle of something, you can see.
- Please?
- Please? - I have
my hands in this man's hair.
- I've got eight minutes now.
- You know what? I want to do this.
- You do? Oh, I love it.
- Yes, I do!
Everyone, stop what you're doing!
- Nice.
- We need to cut Tim's hair.
- Wow, you sto--
- That's right. Everyone look!
This is Tim.
He's here.
And it's about time we all stood up
and did whatever he said.
Let's get him shampooed
and let's do this!
You know, I-- I'm feeling
like trying something new.
- New?
- Yeah, let's try something fun.
No, just give me the Tim.
- How about this?
- Here we go.
What are you-- the buzzer?
Yes, this is fun.
What?! Ah! No!
What are you, crazy?!
I'm gonna call this
the reverse Mr. T.
- The reverse Mr. T?
- Yeah. You don't love it?
Holy shit.
What did you do?
- Have you lost your mind?
- You want to know the truth, Tim?
I left you off the
mailing list on purpose.
- What?
- But I'm glad you found me.
That chop job I just did was
for five years of bad tips.
No, 8% is considered standard.
It is not. It's for not respecting
our cancelation policy.
Come on, it's not like it's an
airline ticket or something.
It is for the time
you told our shampoo girl
that shampooing is not a career.
- Did I say that?
- Yes, you did.
And I need you to learn to respect
other peoples' jobs, Tim.
Hmm. Cause for much
introspection.
I think Roberta,
the shampoo artist,
is expressing how we all feel inside.
You're #1.
That's what she's saying.
You are #1.
I think we mutually agree
that I nailed this interview.
And why don't we get
into salary demands?
Um, I really wanna hire you, Tim...
- That's great.
- ...But you are not making it easy.
- I'm not? Why?
- It's your hair.
Oh, this haircut?
Really?
You seem mentally unstable.
Huh. I have never
lost a job due to my--
my flair for exciting hairstyles.
♪ And brother, if I stepped
on a worn-out dime ♪
♪ I bet a nickel I could tell
you if it was heads or tails ♪
♪ I'm not gonna worry
wrinkles in my brow ♪
♪ 'cause nothing's ever
gonna be all right nohow ♪
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪