The Life & Times of Tim (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 8 - Insurmountable High Score/Tim vs. the Baby - full transcript

Hey, everybody, everybody,
can I get your attention, please?

I want to raise a toast
to our good friend Frank here.

As of tonight, he has gone
90 days without a drink.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Wow. Yay!

Frank, I gotta ask:
How'd you do it?

My life was completely
out of control,

like one of those cars
in your various action movies.

I mean, I can't tell you how
out of control it was,

except to tell you
it was out of control.

Wow, that's
an interesting story.

- It's not over.
- Go ahead, baby.



Thank you, Carla. It's just that
people don't have a good sense

- of when a story is done.
- I know, I know.

Anyway, my support group
taught me to focus my energy

on something I can control,

so I chose
this pinball machine.

- Yes.
- What a great idea.

I'm not done
with the story!

By mastering the game,
I feel in control of my world.

That high score up there...

that's my life.

- Cry it out.
- This is the me

that I wanted
the people to see.

- Okay.
- Great story! Get back to drinking.

Good stuff, good stuff.



Let's move on
past the tears.

- Any challengers?
- There we go. That's the spirit.

I challenge you, Frank,
to play Tim.

- Me? No.
- Do you want him to get drunk?

You heard him explain that this
is the way he got sober, right?

- I was listening the whole time.
- Oh, let's all act like Tim

and not help
Frank get sober.

- Fine, then I'll play ya.
- There you go.

And I want you to go
full throttle,

'cause this is my game.

All right, let's see
what happens here.

- Holy shit.
- I don't understand.

- What's happening? Is that good or bad?
- How did you do that?

I didn't do anything.

- You got it in the bonus zone.
- The bon... my hands are off the game.

Holy stromboli.

- That's impossible.
- Tim, back it off!

- Back off, Tim.
- I'm physically not touching the game.

- Oh, right.
- He's gonna do it. Look at this.

- Pull the plug.
- How do you...

Tim is gonna beat
Frank's high score.

- I'm not doing anything.
- Tim's got the new high score.

He made Frank's score
look like a joke.

- Oh man.
- Are you happy, buddy?

- Am I happy?
- Yeah, that Frank loses.

No no, I did not touch
the flippers.

Oh, great, rub it in.

You wanna play foosball?

Let's put the music back on,
if nothing else.

Well, that was...

That was probably
the meanest thing I've ever seen.

That wasn't mean.
It was an accident.

No, Tim,
it was mean-spirited.

- Yeah?
- Maybe if you...

you know, and this is
just the Stu talking...

what if you challenge him to a different
game and let him win this time?

That's a perfect idea.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

- Hey, Frankie boy.
- Hey, Tim.

- Hey, asshole.
- Hey, Carla. Um...

since my high score appears
to be insurmountable...

- Right.
...why don't we play a different game?

Right? Rebuild
your self-esteem with...

I don't know... darts.

- Mmm, darts.
- You can start again. Start walking

- down a new path to sobriety.
- L-l... I am quite good at darts.

- You're great at darts.
- Thank you.

- It's perfect.
- You're the dart man.

- Dart man.
- You shouldn't have picked darts.

Wow, I feel great. This feels like it's
gonna be a happy ending.

- Okay, the grudge match.
- Hey, Tim?

- Yeah?
- Just want to make sure you know

to lose this time, okay?
'Cause this is all he's got.

Trust me, Stu.
I'm going to lose so badly

it'll go down
in the record books.

They don't keep
record books for darts.

- I'm gonna lose. I'm gonna lose.
- Okay okay.

- Come on, Tim, the dartboard awaits.
- All right, here we go.

And...

- Son of a bitch!
- What? What happened?

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- My girlfriend!

- What happened? Did I miss?
- Tim threw a fucking dart in my face.

Oh no, what do you do?
Do you get a Band-Aid?

- Anyone have a Band-Aid in the house?
- Are you happy, Tim?

- I'm not happy at all.
- You win again.

- Win? No!
- Oh God!

Hitting her face with a dart
does not mean I win.

I think it may have
touched my brain.

- Tim!
- Me?

- Can I have a word?
- Oh. Hey, Marie.

- Hey there.
- Hey, this is awkward.

- Not for me.
- What's going on?

We're having
some issues with Frank.

- Frank?
- He's drinking again.

No! What makes you
think that?

Helen! Helen, come over here.
I want to tongue kiss you.

Do you know
how to tongue kiss?

What are you looking at?!

He always delivers
the mail like that

the few times
I've seen him. No?

He's frightening many
of the employees, Tim.

Um, listen,

at the end of the day,
you can't knock the guy.

He's... his job is to get
the mail delivered,

and that's what he's doing.

Oh, man, I puked
on the mail again.

That is a problem.
He's vomiting on the mail nonstop.

We figure since you were the one
who took out his girlfriend's eye

and derailed his sobriety, maybe you
could just tell him he's fired too.

No no, you're the HR lady.

Just handle it your own way...
you know, throw a dart at him.

That is not a compassionate
way to fire someone.

Listen, give him a week.
I'll go to his support group with him

and I'll get him back
on the path to sobriety.

- Really?
- I'm gonna fix this.

I guess it kind of
makes up for...

throwing a dart
in his girlfriend's eye.

That really amuses you,
doesn't it?

Oh God, that's great.

- Thanks for coming with me, Tim.
- It's the least I can do.

- Well...
- The very least.

Oh, hey, look who it is.

Oh, wow, Carla. This is great.

- The gang's all together.
- Here we are.

- You're here to support Frank I assume?
- No no.

I go to the room across the hall
for the painkiller addicts.

- That's me now.
- Because of the...

- Take a guess why.
- I assume by the tone of your voice

- you're talking about the dart.
- Indeed.

- Wow.
- The old dart-in-the-eye.

Hmm.

Wow, this always
gets awkward.

- Yeah.
- Well, listen, Carla,

if you ever need
a support-group buddy...

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Okay. Okay then.

- So Frank's back.
- Welcome back, Frank.

I wouldn't be here
if not for this guy.

Everybody's got
their angels, you know?

No no, I meant
he ruined my life.

Oh, that's not
how I heard it.

All right. Let's just get
into it, all right, shall we?

Frank, you were
doing so well,

so why don't you
tell us what happened?

Well, I can
summarize it by saying

I had a high score
on a pinball machine.

- Yeah.
- Tim obliterated my high score

and now I'm boozing it up
like never before.

- It's a weird summary.
- Everyone followed the story?

- Yeah, I understood that.
- Hang on one sec.

Bruce, very distracting.
I need you to sit down.

I can't sit down.
I literally cannot sit down.

- Okay.
- I've got a hip problem.

Tim, why did
you feel the need

to ruin Frank's life?

Ruin his life? No.

I was walking him down
the path of sobriety.

Mm-hmm. I'm just
gonna go ahead and say

I don't think anyone gets
what you're saying so far.

- I'm trying to talk.
- Okay, put the thoughts in your mouth

and put them out. Okay?

Listen.
Is a pinball machine

really the biggest problem
in your life?

Why don't you go ahead
and explain to Frank

what these "bigger problems"
might be that he needs to focus on?

Let's hear what's so bad
about Frank's life according to you.

- Bruce. Bruce.
- What?

- Everyone's sitting.
- I can't.

I told you already
I can't sit down.

- I can't sit down anywhere.
- Go ahead, Tim.

If you insist.
Getting a better job.

- What's your job?
- He's been the mail guy since 1982.

No, that's not possible.
They always promote

the guy in the mailroom
up the ladder.

No. No ladder.

Um, I wouldn't live
on a college campus.

- He lives near a college.
- No, he lives with the fraternity.

- Seriously, Frank?
- Bit of a weird setup.

That's the saddest thing
I ever heard of in my life.

- That's pretty sad.
- Clothing? I mean...

I can't imagine you have
more than three t-shirts.

You try to rotate them
with different colors, but...

I'm gonna go ahead
and agree with Tim there.

The first time you came to group,
I thought you were homeless.

- Yeah.
- Tim, are you trying to cheer me up?

I was. It doesn't sound
uplifting as I'm saying it.

He's kind of cheered me up,

because hearing all the ways
that Frank's life

is so horrible, I feel
a lot better about myself.

Wow. I cannot believe that Frank
has been gone two months.

He got pretty depressed
after the support group.

- Understandably.
- It did not go well.

- I bet.
- He needed time to sort things through.

Don't look now,

but Frank is back!

- Look at this.
- That's crazy. Look at this guy.

- Better than ever!
- You look amazing.

- All right.
- Frankie!

Can you gather around
for a second?

I want to say thanks
to a special guy... Tim.

He attended
my support group with me

and he was actually honest.

- All right, Tim.
- Eh, don't mention it.

- You did him a solid.
- Thank you.

And, Tim, why don't you tell Frank
how you saved his job?

Oh, that. You know, I don't want
to toot my own horn...

- Toot it.
...but I built this intricate system

- of cubbyholes on the wall...
- Really?

...out of wood. I figured so they
wouldn't have to replace you,

people could just pick up
their own mail for a couple weeks.

- Wow.
- And then I painted it.

Primer and then paint.

"Hope On a Wall." That's what
the project became known as.

Tim, thank you. I mean,
you're like an angel.

- A little bit.
- Give me a hug.

- All right, let's hug.
- Aw, there it is.

- Why not? That's nice.
- That's adorable.

Actually, Frank,
I'd ease up on that hugging.

- Why? It feels good.
- Just hugging the man. Come on.

- It's a happy ending.
- Marie?

- Step away, gentlemen.
- Thank you.

- Why?
- You see, Tim,

Operation "Hope On a Wall"
was such a big hit...

- Huge hit.
...we've actually decided to eliminate

the job of mail guy
here at the firm.

- No more mail guy.
- No.

- Wait a minute, I'm the mail guy.
- Frank's the mail guy.

The cubbyholes are
the mail guy now.

- The cubbyholes were...
- Genius.

No, the cubbyholes
were temporary.

I just want to say thanks
for the help again, Tim.

I think that's sarcastic, Tim.

- Are you being sarcastic?
- No no no, Tim.

- You've helped me again.
- This is sarcasm, Tim.

Yeah, there's no reason
he would be that upbeat right now.

So this is the bar we go to after work.

- Finally at O'Flar...
- O'Flaherty's.

- Oh, right.
- Yeah, the "H" is pronounced.

- There's my buddy.
- Frank?

- Yeah.
- Oh my God, I didn't recognize you.

- Is this a friend of yours?
- Yeah, a good friend.

Listen. Amy, Frank.
Frank, Amy.

- Frank. Hi.
- Uh, hiya, Amy.

I'd introduce you
to my girlfriend,

but Tim threw
a dart in her eye

and now she lives
behind a dumpster.

- That's a long story.
- And I'm also homeless because of Tim,

but he's a great great friend.

And good to see you, Tim.

- I think I'm gonna go inside.
- Yeah, why don't you

get us a booth,
get us some beer?

I'm gonna talk
to Frank real quick.

- Uh-oh.
- All right, listen, Frank.

You've gotta look
on the bright side. That's what I say.

What are you talking about?

There's gotta be a bright side.
There's always a bright side.

- Oh, plumb the depths.
- Think about it this way:

Just like you used to be
the champ at pinball,

now you're the champ...
at drinking to excess.

No one in that place
can drink as much as you.

- You're the master. You're the best.
- That's true.

Most people have
five of those 40s

and they're full.
It fills them up.

You're not very good at
cheering people up, are you?

It's not my specialty.

- No. No.
- It clearly is not my thing.

Tim, I'm gonna run to the bathroom.

If the guy comes,
can you get me a Caesar salad?

- Okay.
- I know.

Is that amazing?

- I love that show.
- Hmm.

Wait. Hang on.
Bear with me, I'm feeding Ryan.

- Let me put him down for one sec.
- Whoa.

- Juggling way too many things here.
- Is this happening?

Anyway, no, this is
definitely the best season.

Can you believe David Caruso?
I didn't know he could dance like that.

Someone's got to say
something here.

- I just thought he was an actor.
- Excuse me?

- You know what? Hang on one second.
- Excuse me?

Someone's talking to me.
Hang on. Hi.

- Hi, I'm Tim.
- Hi.

- I know you're juggling a lot there.
- Oh yeah.

I think you forgot to, um...

- Which?
...to put that away.

- What?
- Your boob.

- Okay, I'll call you back.
- It's... a public area.

- Do you mind?
- I do, a little bit.

- I have never been so offended.
- This is weird.

- What are you doing this for?
- I am breastfeeding my child.

No, you were before. Now you're talking
about "Dancing with the Stars."

- That's your cue to put the boob back.
- How dare you?

- How dare I?
- How dare you?!

- What is going on?
- I'll tell you what is going on!

I was nourishing
my baby and he said,

and I quote, "Lady,
put your big old titties away

and stop yapping on the phone."

What?! I've been misquoted before,
but that takes the cake.

That's what he said.

Did you ask her to put
away her breast?

I was looking out
for the greater good.

Everyone in the restaurant
was so offended and shocked.

I took the opportunity
to step forward.

- Actually, I had no problem with it.
- You had no problem?

- I didn't even notice.
- How do you not notice that?

I think most people here are
just minding their own business.

- Oh, man.
- Tim!

- Yeah?
- Do you have something against babies?

- Why do you hate babies?
- Honestly, I love babies.

I love boobs.

In this context, both are being
treated with disrespect.

- I got problems.
- Ooh, mo' money, mo' problems, right?

- Not really.
- Okay.

- Amy thinks I hate babies.
- I don't have that problem.

Yeah, I don't know. I told a woman
to cover up her breasts...

- Stop. Stop.
- Yeah?

- Wha... I'm so furious right now.
- Trust me, this was...

Don't tell a woman to cover
her boobs... ever.

- No?
- I don't care if they were on fire.

Anyway, how about you?
Everything good with you?

No, I've got to move out
of my apartment.

What are you talking about?
You've got that amazing place

- with the old man there.
- An amazing place with an old man,

does that sound like
an ideal sitch?

It doesn't.

It's hard to be
intimate with a girl

when your 82-year-old
roommate is staring at you,

coughing up both
solids and liquids.

I can see how that would create
an awkward environment.

Yeah, it's going to be
all right though.

- Yeah?
- Rodney's buddy in real estate

- is gonna show me a place in Brooklyn.
- Yeah, his real estate buddy.

- I met the guy.
- Brooklyn. That's where it is, dude.

- Really?
- It's the most bombtastic apartment.

- It's a right above a bar.
- The place is right above the bar?

You know what that means.
It's basically like

a volcano filled with chicks.

- Amazing.
- The chicks just seep up.

- Like hot air rising.
- They seep up into the apartment?

- Yeah.
- Timmy, will you check it out with me?

I'd love to. You're living
above a volcano of babes.

Yeah, if you're
looking for hot, horny,

big-titted babes...
Park Slope, Brooklyn.

Rodney, this place
is not crawling

with single,
hot, horny babes.

Yeah, but there are
babies crawling around.

Yeah, that's
a huge difference.

- Dominick.
- Much respect for coming down here.

- I really appreciate it.
- You told us that it was above a bar.

Technically speaking,
no disrespect,

but we are above a bar.

It just happens
to be a juice bar.

You get wheatgrass.
You could get flaxseed.

You can get cranberry,
whatever.

It's good food.
It's good for the soul.

No, you've got to include the
word "juice" if you're saying "bar."

No disrespect,
because I respect you...

I would love
to go down this street.

I'm gonna get
the keys to the place.

In the meantime-while,
you guys hang out down here.

- It's a good idea.
- Have some lemongrass on me, all right?

- Yeah, thanks, Dominick.
- No disrespect,

but I really like you guys.

He really respects us.
That's the impression I got.

Dude, I'm never going to meet
a girl in this neighborhood.

Sack up, bro. You've just got
to find a single mom,

maybe a nanny,
get up next to them

and put your magic on them.
Let's give it a chance.

- Okay.
- Stu, you're up.

I'm gonna... I'm just gonna
use the "A" game.

Hello.

Lady, I know
you have an infant son

but on the off chance that you're
going through a messy divorce

or your husband is
possibly dead,

I would like
to take you on a date.

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- I must be.

Let's forget that
I said those words.

I don't think
Brooklyn's working.

- He just picked the wrong chick.
- These women aren't looking...

All right, you need proof.
Here we go. Watch this.

No, don't stand.

Hey, sweetheart,
how's it going?

- I'm Rod.
- Hi.

If you're looking
to party tonight, give us a ring.

You got two single guys here

ready to poke and party
Park Slope style.

Wow, that's hot
and I would love that,

but I'm married and pregnant
with my third child.

I'll take that as a no.

Rodney, that was
wildly inappropriate.

She'll call, watch.
As soon as she gets

a pacifier in that kid's mouth,
she's gonna be in mine.

- No. Hey.
- Hey, fellas.

- The peach thing is amazing.
- I'm glad you're enjoying it.

Listen, I've had some complaints
about you guys, okay?

You're a little too loud.
You can either bring it down

or hit the street.
Those are your two options, okay?

Okay.

Why aren't you kicking
that dude out?

- He's way louder than us.
- Excuse me?

- And more annoying?
- Really?

- No no.
- He's a baby.

He just said he's
crying a little loud.

Why are you guys here?
You're really obnoxious.

We're trying to meet single moms
and this baby is cramping our style.

- Or nannies.
- Okey-dokey. That's gonna be it.

I'm really gonna ask
you guys to leave now.

No, let's just take a vote.
Who's more obnoxious,

Rodney or the baby?
Show of hands.

- No, don't do that.
- This is gonna be good.

- Let's see 'em. I'm up for the baby.
- This is cr...

No show of hands.
You're going to be wearing

a Blueberry Burst
in about two seconds.

You're gonna throw
a smoothie at Stu?

I can't have this
in my juice joint.

You know what?
Don't kick anyone out.

Here, let me just...
can I say something?

- Yes.
- Thank you, Stu.

Listen, everyone here.
This is New York, right?

This is Brooklyn.
This is a diverse community.

Some people have babies,
some don't.

Some have different
ethnic backgrounds.

Can't we get along?
Why, over smoothies,

do we have to have
so much anger, you know?

Wow, he's still
doing that, isn't he?

What do you do?
You don't cover his mouth at that point?

Wow, that really makes it hard
to give a rousing speech.

Okay, Gable.

Anyway, I was just
saying... all right now...

Is it just me or is this guy
a little bit of a dick?

- A total dick.
- Did you call my baby a total dick?

- No, he added that on.
- Ssomebody called my baby a dick.

I didn't call him a dick.
I said...

What is he doing?

- Playing.
- You're making it sound like it's cute.

- It's not cute.
- It is cute. He's a baby!

- You find that cute?
- What is wrong with you guys?!

Is he like a baby lifeguard? "Why does
he have a whistle?" is my only question.

So how was the apartment?

Eh, I don't think
Stu is gonna take it.

- No?
- No, the neighborhood, you know,

is just infested
with moms and babies.

- "Infested"?
- No, don... don't jump on that.

It was just demographically
not his ideal.

- That's what I meant to say.
- It's just the way you said it.

It's the way
I say everything.

This is all
kind of adding up.

No, it's not.
Nothing's adding up.

You're kind
of sounding anti-baby.

Anti-baby?
No, come on.

Just earlier while
we were out there,

I was talking
to this baby.

Everyone in the place
thought it was so...

so interesting the way
I interacted with him.

- You and a baby?
- You should have seen it.

The kid was blowing his whistle,

I was calling him funny names.

- You were?
- I'm just... it's the way I am.

You get a little dude,
a little baby...

near me,
cute things happen.

- I have yet to see it, but...
- Give me a little credit.

You'll see plenty
of babies this weekend.

We're going to go to Julie's
housewarming party.

- Ali's coming, Jen is coming.
- Awesome. Awesome.

- Bring 'em on.
- Adorable kids.

Looking forward to it.
Bring on the cute moments.

Oh, look at this.
What a day.

What a collection
of babies.

- Look at all these cute little guys.
- Okay, Tim.

How old is that guy?
Baby... baby age?

- He's four.
- That kid's four?

- Hey, Amy. Hi.
- Hi.

- How's it going?
- It's great.

- This is little Nathan.
- Oh, he is such a cutie.

- Oh, thank you.
- Ditto. Ditto for me.

- Thank you.
- Who's the cutest?

- Hi. Who's the cutest boy?
- You're the baby boy.

Oh, he's so sweet.

- Hmm. Moving on.
- Tim.

- Yeah?
- Do you want to talk to the baby?

Oh, yeah, I can say
a few little cute things.

Look how small
this little guy's foot is.

Who's the...

who's the guy that's
drooling on himself?

Is that your baby talk?

I'm getting warmed up,
if you don't mind.

Uh, man,
this guy is small.

- Who's the small guy, you?
- Okay, this is awkward.

That's awkward? Or cute?
Adorable?

What happened to
the Tim at the smoothie bar

- with the kid and the funny?
- I can't recreate the moment.

- This is weird.
- I think it's him.

The other kid was laughing.
This guy, he seems a little sour.

- A little sour personality.
- Okay, you know what?

- We're gonna go get a drink...
- Amy.

- Oh, hey, there's Julie.
- You made it. I'm so excited.

I don't know if you've ever met.
This is my boyfriend Tim.

- Oh my God.
- Whoops. No.

- Wha... what's wrong?
- Honey, get over here.

- This is not good.
- He called our baby a dick.

- No. I didn't call him that.
- You did what?

- Oh. Oh, no... yes, you...
- No, that's a swear word.

I was feeding Gable
a peach smoothie

and your boyfriend
came up to me

and he said, "Wow,
that's really annoying.

He looks like a dick."

- What?
- Why do all these mothers misquote me?

How could you say
something like that?

All right, you know what?

I am sorry.
I shouldn't have said it.

What I was trying to say is...

picture him in the future.

Picture a 32-year-old
version of him

walking around
blowing his whistle.

That guy would be a dick.

No one can
deny that, right?

No one's disputing that.

Oh, man, I'm just gonna...

I'm just gonna stop
talking at some point.

Talking is getting me
nowhere in life.