The Life & Times of Tim (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 7 - Hottest Babes on the Planet/Suck It, Philly - full transcript

There are my boys...
Timbo and Stualicious.

- Ugh.
- You know I don't like Timbo.

- And I'm offended by Stualicious.
- Why?

Because you're combining my
name with the word delicious.

Have you conjured
that visual?

Uh, I didn't really,
like, conjure

- or give any thought to it.
- Shocking.

Anyway, hey, I want to play a prank
on the new assistant.

- You guys in or what?
- Absolutely.

- No. I'm not a...
- Come on.

- I'm not a prankster.
- Timmy.



We're gonna make
him feel welcome.

It'll be like he's part
of the family and stuff.

The way you make
someone feel like family

- is by doing something awful to them.
- Exactly.

Okay, here's the plan.
I'll buy the thumbtacks.

Stu, you look like a tape guy.
You're on Scotch.

- You know it.
- Tim, you buy the bag of hardcore porn.

- No.
- Big bag, like shopping bag.

- I'll get the tape.
- Nope, you're the porn guy.

- I'm the porn guy.
- Yup.

When did I become this person?

Tim, I don't have time to argue.

Let's review
what everyone's bringing.

- Stu?
- Tape.



- Me? Tacks. Tim?
- Paper clips.

- Nope.
- Wrong.

- Huge bag of porn?
- Exactly.

What a team.

Ah, beautiful day, huh?

I got to admit,
I like getting up early.

That's right. Early is good.

You want coffee
or muffin?

No, what I need is, um...

I need a lot of porn, actually.

I need a copy of "Juggs."

- Okay.
- Copy of "Barely Legal."

- Oh.
- Copy of "Big Boobs,"

"Big Tits,"
"Tits in Your Face."

- Whoa.
- "Black Beauties,"

- "Asian Beauties."
- Wow.

You have any gay stuff?
Any "Inches"?

What's that? What's that one
with the big cock on the cover?

Just give me five of those.

Wow, you horny
at 6:00 A.M., huh?

A little bit. Just wrap it up.

Excuse me, do you have any
cough syrup for children?

- No no no, wait your turn.
- No, let her go.

- Okay, let's ring you up.
- She can go in front of me.

So you got one
copy of "Juggs."

- One "Barely Legal."
- That's not mine.

"Asian Beauties,"
"Black Beauties."

That's not what I asked for.
I asked for a blueberry muffin.

Oh. Well, I have...

- Know what?
- What?

Just give me a copy
of "Maxim" magazine

and some gum.

What happened? Not as horny
as when you first walked in?

You guys got the contraband
or what?

Scotch tape in the hizzy.

- Boom.
- And here's the bag of porn.

- "Maxim"?
- What is this?

It's got women in it. They're in
bathing suits. That's pretty sexy.

"Maxim" makes "Playboy"
look like "Knocked Up and Horny."

You know what? We're gonna have
to dip into my private stash.

You have a private stash?
That should have been plan "A."

Here's what I want you to do.

Tim, go get some porn
from under my desk.

Then you guys tape the porn
around the guy's cubicle...

on his screen, on his chair,
on the floor, in his drawers and stuff.

Rodney, can I just ask
what exactly you're doing?

- I'm on lookout.
- Lookout?

- Yup.
- That's not doing anything.

Lookout is the hardest part.
It's like the danger zone.

The stuff that Kenny Loggins
was talking about.

Know what, Rodney? I'm gonna be
on lookout. I'm gonna put my foot down.

Uh, if you're feeling it,
I'll go with it.

- I'm the lookout guy.
- I want you to do me something.

If anyone comes I want you
to shout out really loudly,

"Hey, Rodney!
Put away the porn.

Someone is coming in your
direction to bust you."

Then throw in a crow call
or something.

- Ca-caw.
- Exactly.

Stu, maybe you
should take over.

- Wow, this group is a...
- Dynamic force.

...well-oiled machine.
- Yes.

It's like the movie
"Inside Man."

It's a go? It's happening?

It's gonna be classic,
dude, yes.

The guy's cubicle
is covered

in tons of balls
and asses and tits.

Rodney, you're like
a porn Picasso.

- Thank you, my friend.
- Can't wait to see it.

Oh, sorry. Didn't mean
to interrupt.

- Who are you?
- Well, my name's Keith.

I just started here
and thought I'd say hi.

- You're the new guy?
- Yeah.

I, uh... right out of Ohio State.

Yeah yeah yeah. And this cube here,
this is where you sit?

This is home.

- Whoops.
- Not good.

Abort mission.
Stu is aborting the mission.

This prank has
fallen apart, Rodney.

Hi, everyone.

Welcome back, Helen.

How did your bone marrow
transplant surgery go?

Oh, honey, I just tell you,

- I'm happy to be alive.
- Oh.

I got this nice gel cushion
to sit on now.

But I'm just...

glad to be back at work
in my old cubicle.

We're happy
to have you, Helen.

- Oh no.
- This is awful.

- Who'd do such a thing?
- I think I'm gonna vomit.

My God, that man has a...

- Disgusting.
- Helen, look away.

First the bone marrow
transplant and now this.

Why does God hate me?

How do they do that?

Tim, go check
the security camera.

We're gonna find the perverted

son of a bitch who did this.

Hmm.

Guess that clears me.

- Clears you?
- Clears me, right?

Why on the name
of the sweet baby Jesus

were you standing by the elevators
with a duffle bag at 7:00 A.M.

Iooking around nervously
for 25 to 35 minutes?

- I was just hanging out.
- Oh.

Just hanging out
by the elevators.

- Tim.
- Yeah?

Brenda from accounting
saw you.

She saw you at the store this morning
in the process of purchasing

- an ungodly amount...
- That was her?

No, that transaction
never went through.

...of porn.
- No, it never went through.

Tim, I'm gonna have to go
ahead and call Helen in here.

- No no.
- And you're gonna apologize.

- No, I don't want to talk to her.
- Helen.

- You wanted to see me?
- Oh, Helen.

Helen, Helen, Helen, you cripply
old hobbler. Come on over here.

Helen, it appears as if it was

Timothy here

who was the responsible party
for that awful prank.

Why would you do
such a thing?

- Why?
- Why?

I just thought in light
of your recent surgery...

- Yes?
...it might lighten the mood a little

if you came back
and found your cubicle

plastered with, you know,

penises and... and...

and boobs.

Just people screwing.
I thought that would be funny.

It's so out of character
for the office.

- Are you crazy or what?
- It is funny.

You could've gotten me
a welcome-back teddy bear.

- I didn't think of that.
- Or a balloon.

- Balloon saying, "Welcome Back Helen."
- A balloon?

Really simple stuff.

- Good idea.
- Live and learn. Live and learn.

Let me make it up to you.

Is there anything I could
possibly do at this point?

- You know, there is one thing.
- Yeah?

In my condition, I'm so weak

I can't teach
my Sunday school class.

- You want me to teach it?
- Mmm-hmm.

That'd be great.
I'd love that.

All right. That's wonderful.
Thank you.

- All is forgiven.
- Fantastic.

This is great.
No hard feelings.

We're all friends again.

And certainly no pending
sexual-harassment lawsuits.

Back to work.

- Timbo.
- Oh, hey, Father.

Haven't seen you
since the baptism.

- That's right. That was fun.
- That was fun.

You remember you jerked off
in the bathroom?

- I do. I remember.
- That's right.

But, uh, this is your church?
This is where you work now?

Oh no, it's not mine.
It's God's.

Anyway, I'm just here
part time.

Just a part-time priest.

Yeah, well, they want me
to lay off the sermons

until my drinky drinky
is under control.

- That makes sense.
- When you start giving communion, Tim,

with shots of Jager,
it's time to reel it in.

That's when you've got
to reel it in.

That's when you know
as a priest, reel it in.

All right, well, I guess I'll be in
with the kids if you need me.

That sounds great.
Let me know how that goes.

Hey, little guys. I'm Tim.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Not a very warm welcome.

- What are you gonna read?
- Yeah.

- What am I gonna read?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I guess the Bible, right?
Where do you guys...

where do you keep
those things?

Mrs. J. Brings the Bible.

- She brings it?
- In her purse.

Seems like a key piece
of information to leave out.

Mrs. J. Always reads to us.

You've made that point
very clear. Um...

Are you gonna read?

You know what?
Give me a minute.

- Father.
- Timbo.

I got a problem. There are
no Bibles in this church.

- So?
- So?

I got to read something
to these kids.

Read anything, Tim.
They're children.

They don't understand
what you're saying.

No, these kids
are pretty sharp.

No, they're not. Trust me.

Just read from a Wheat Thins box,
they'll be enthralled.

"Ooh, wheat."
That's what they'll say.

- Just read?
- Just read whatever you got, Tim.

- Whatever I got?
- Whatever's in your bag, just read it.

All right, guys.
Change of plans.

We don't have any Bibles.

So we're just gonna go ahead

and read from "Maxim" magazine.

A publication for men.

Today's story is entitled,

"The 40 Hottest Babes
on the Planet,"

compiled by staff editor
Randy Goldstein.

Does it have to do
anything with God?

I can't imagine how it's gonna
come around to that.

It's really just about
the babes and their...

I'll just get into it.
I'll just get into it.

"Number 40:
Scarlett Johansson.

Check out Scarlett eating
hot dogs at Coney Island.

If you ask us,
that rack of hers

is one thing that does not
get 'Lost in Translation."'

Is that the whole story?

No, but it's not going
to get any better.

I don't understand
what this is about.

It doesn't make any sense.

You know what
doesn't make sense?

Natalie Portman
at number 22.

How is she not top five?

Who's Natalie Portman?

Who is she?

You didn't see
"V for Vendetta"?

She's in that
Wes Anderson thing.

The short
where she's nude.

Um...

Iook, it's her.

- Ooh.
- Wow.

- Yow.
- Ooh.

Uh-oh.

Hey, bud, how was
Sunday school today?

Tim told us
that there's these

hottest babes
on the planet.

They weren't really naked,

but you could see
the boob come through.

So, sweetie, did you hear
a good story today?

When I grow up,
I think I want to be...

I think I want to go lesbian.

Oh my.

- Mommy?
- Yes, sweetheart.

My wiener's going crazy
and it won't stop.

In my defense,

what kind of church
doesn't have a Bible?

Wow, a Rolex.
That's amazing.

- It's my dream watch.
- Wow.

Well, I figured
it's the big 5-0

- so why not?
- Thank you.

Dad, I think Tim
got you something too.

- Oh.
- Oh, how nice.

Just a little...
a little something.

I put it all in the same bag

- to contain it.
- That's very thoughtful.

- Tim, give him the present.
- Thank you, Tim.

- All right, here it is.
- Let's see.

- Is this, um...
- That's a pen.

Yes.

And a highlighter.

The theme is everything
for the working dad.

- Oh.
- There are Post-it notes there.

- Yeah, you got some of those.
- Uh...

Speechless?

Tim, did you steal
this stuff from work?

Steal? No.
I didn't steal the gift.

- You came here straight from work.
- Yeah.

- And these are office supplies.
- Mm-hmm.

And this is an Omnicorp bag.

Yeah. I'm not... don't know
where you're going with this.

I can't believe you stole
my dad's present.

Well, Amy, they could
have a gift shop.

- You guys have a gift shop?
- No.

But why are we talking
about theft at a nice dinner?

Folks, the point is,
I absolutely love my Rolex.

And I'll be able
to get plenty of good use

out of the office supplies

that ultimately may or may not
have been stolen.

Oh, man.
I need help here.

I got to get another birthday gift
for Amy's dad.

- Right.
- What's thoughtful but costs nothing?

Um, loyalty?

No, something...
maybe I'll sculpt something,

whittle something
out of wood.

I got something.
You'd owe me huge big time

- but I might have a solution.
- Let's hear it.

All right, you know my dad.
He has Giants season tickets.

And he has two extra tickets
for Sunday. Giants-Eagles.

Are you joking?
That's amazing.

Her dad's from Philadelphia.
He loves the Eagles.

You and Amy's dad
come with me and my dad.

- We have an afternoon out.
- That's amazing.

You understand how big
of a favor this would be?

I do.
How can I repay you?

- Uh, I got something.
- Let's hear it.

I want Amy to call
and say goodnight to me

- at least three times a week.
- No.

Here's exactly the words
I want her to say.

"Hey, baby, sleep well.
I'm thinking about you."

- Okay?
- No.

This was a generous
offer a second ago.

- Yeah.
- Then it got weird.

- Tim, this is a great present.
- Tell me about it.

- My dad is gonna love these tickets.
- I hope so.

- He's the biggest Eagles fan.
- I know.

It's a thoughtful gift. Thoughtful
and expensive. Oh yeah.

It's just really
really sweet of you.

You know, I just want
your dad to like me.

Who said
he doesn't like you?

- He said it. And your mom agreed.
- He did?

At dinner, remember he said, "Amy,
I think you can do much better"?

Maybe he meant something else.

He was looking at me.
He was looking at me.

- Could have been the food.
- No, he pointed at me.

Remember he said,
"I don't care for this guy"?

- Right.
- On a completely unrelated note,

could you call Stu
later tonight and just say,

- "Hey, baby, time for bed"?
- Excuse me?

Wow, this is great, Tim.

You know how much I love my Eagles.

I think I've outdone myself.
This is a generous, thoughtful gift.

- It really is.
- Let's just have a fun day.

- Get to know each other.
- I can't wait to meet your friends.

Yeah, my friends are coming.
I figured I'd treat the whole gang.

- Oh, this is amazing, Tim.
- Wait, is that them?

If any Philly fans
want to suck my cock

now's the time.
Come and get it.

Suck it down, Philly.
Get a mouthful of urine.

Um, are those your friends?

Yeah. Yeah, that's them.

Hey, guys. How you doing?

Hey, guys.
Sorry we're late.

- Amy's dad, Stu.
- Hey, Amy's father. I'm Stu.

Oh God.

- I see.
- Uh, listen, guys.

- What up?
- Can I talk to you real quick?

You want to do
a little side chat?

Listen, guys,
that was embarrassing.

- Amy's father is from Philadelphia.
- Awkward.

So if we could tone down
the anti-Philly rhetoric,

I think everyone would win.

- But, Tim.
- Yeah?

- Why else would I come to a game?
- What does that even mean?

I'm here to insult people,
to yell cock.

I can't yell cock at work.

One time I yelled cock and people said,
"What are you yelling?"

I said cock. They said, "Don't do that."
I almost got fired.

Please, this is
my girlfriend's father.

I'm trying to make
a good impression here.

Fine. Fine, I'm there
with you, Tim.

I want you to make
a good impression.

Watch me take care of things.

I got to say, I appreciate it.

- Listen, Amy's father.
- Yes.

I feel like we got off
on the wrong foot.

I couldn't agree more.

All I was trying to say
is that I'm not

a big fan of the Eagles.
I prefer the Giants.

And I live here
in New York, so...

Thank you.
That's very big of you.

Why don't we shake
and let's let bygones be bygones?

I appreciate the gesture. I guess
that's just the way New Yorkers are...

a little rough around the edges.

- Start with a clean slate.
- Oh, good heavens.

He's urinating on my foot!

- No no.
- Oh no, am I doing that?

What happened
to toning it down?

I got to tell you something.
I can't believe it myself.

We're as surprised as you guys are
by this turn of events.

Okay, let's put that behind us
and let's get some beers.

Birthday beers.

Timothy, your friend
just urinated on my foot.

He's just kidding. I mean,
he's got a dry sense of humor.

Hey, lady. Yeah, you
with the Eagles hat.

You're retarded.

He's like
Bob Newhart, this guy.

Oh, hold on a second.
Hold on.

- Amy.
- Hey, Tim. Are you guys having fun?

- Are we having fun?
- No.

- What do you mean by that?
- Is my dad there?

He's here.
What are you calling for?

- I want to see how it's going.
- I don't understand the call.

- Tell her not having any fun.
- Was that my dad?

- Yeah, he's having a blast.
- Oh, good.

Yeah, it's a generous gift.

Tell her a man
urinated on my foot.

- What did he say?
- My sock's wet with another man's piss.

I don't know what he's saying.

I think he said,
"Happy birthday to me."

- What?
- It's crazy here. What a time.

What a great day.
I'll talk to you later.

Pissed on my foot!

All right, game time.

You having
a happy birthday?

- I'm curious, Timothy.
- Yeah?

Why did you invite the apes?

I'm just generous.
That's just my nature.

- To include everyone.
- Mmm.

Listen, they're good guys.

You got to just
get to know them.

Now that we're sitting,
at this point it's all about football.

Now their eyes are on the field.

Hey, Philly. You might be
from Philadelphia,

but this is my dad's ass.

Okey-dokey.

- Uh, Tim?
- Yeah?

Thank you for ruining
my birthday.

I'm gonna finish
my beer and go.

Come on, don't blame me
for what these guys are doing.

- They're their own guys.
- You do have a point.

Yeah, judge me based on
what I do or what I say,

the generous gifts that I give.

Well, how about this?
I'll take a breather,

I'll go get us
a couple of hot dogs

and we'll come back and see
how things go from there.

You know what?
I love that idea.

Why don't you let it
be my treat

and why don't we make it
Philly cheese steaks?

Now you're talking Philly style.

Philly style.
Let's eat it up.

You know what, Tim?
You may do a lot of things

that make you look
like a total jackass,

but deep down I think your
heart's in the right place.

Thank... thank you.

You are welcome.

All right,
let's just enjoy the game.

Beautiful day.
Breezy and beautiful.

Uh-oh, what time is it? Time to feel
the fresh air on our bodies.

- Whoa.
- Oh yeah.

- That's impressive
- Thank you, thank you.

- This is how men act.
- This is how they act?

- Yeah.
- I got to say, you know what?

This is a good chance
to kiss up to Amy's dad.

- Any chance I could get in on this?
- Are you kidding?

You know what? I don't usually
do it for people just randomly.

It's something that's well thought out.
But I'll tell you something.

I've been tough
on the old man.

I peed on his shoes.
I've been saying profanities.

I've been a little out of control
as far as he's concerned.

As far as I'm concerned,
son, I've toned it down.

- Like an angel.
- That's correct.

Now let me
tell you something.

For you I'm gonna do it.

- With a Philly...?
- Philly, yeah.

- "Philly number one."
- We got some green and white.

Philly rules.

- Hand me the paint.
- Here you go.

I cannot wait
to see the guy's face.

You got a fantastic
chest for painting.

- Really?
- It's nice and flat.

Here we go, and done.
Take a look.

What? No no no no.

- Yeah.
- That's not Philly rules.

- Not even close.
- What are you doing?

I just thought you wanted
Philly in there somewhere.

- This is a living hell.
- All righty, kiddo.

- Oh no.
- Two cheese steaks and a... what?

- Can I explain this?
- "Suck it, Philly"?

"It" means penis and that's why
there's an arrow pointing to it.

- Timothy.
- I don't think that needed explanation.

Excuse me. I just want
to say me and the rest of the guys

in the blue seats up there
saw your funny body

and we just wanted to say

that it's hilariously
inspirational to us.

And I think it's time
for a little

"Suck it, Philly."

- Oh yeah.
- No, let's not chant it.

Suck it, Philly.

Suck it, Philly.

Suck it, Philly.

It's been a great weekend.

It's been
a wonderful weekend.

I loved that
restaurant last night.

Oh, isn't it nice?
Judy recommended that to me.

I hope the guys
are having fun at the game.

Oh, sweetie,
how could they not?

You know, it looks like
the Eagles are winning,

so your father just must be
in heaven. What's that?

Look at that guy down there.
This is crazy.

He's not only telling everybody
to suck on his schlong,

but he has got an entire
section chanting it with him.

I mean, he's got this
whole stadium on fire.

Oh my God.

Maybe it's not him.
He looks a little short to be Ti...

That's Tim.

Oh shit, that is Tim.

You got to love these sick
perverted sons of bitches

who come out here and just shower
an entire stadium with obscenities.

It's just fun to see.