The Life & Times of Tim (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 6 - Bashko's Hairy Daughter/Tim's Not Singing - full transcript

- Oh, hey, Bashko.
- Hello, my friend Tim.

I am here to fix toilet.

- That's good.
- And I brought someone with me today...

my daughter...

Blobsnark.

- Hello, Tim.
- Wow.

Pleasure to meet you.

Wow, you guys look
startlingly similar.

Yes.

She has her
mother's eyebrow,

but she has my face, my neck,



all my hair...

- All the good stuff.
- Yes.

Anything you can grab onto.

Daddy is training me
to be superintendant.

- Nice.
- When I grow up,

I'm going to fix toilets
and kill rats

and mop, just like him,
the chip on block.

That's nice, I guess.
That's your dream?

Dream? Well, no.

Uh, but Papa says
I was born to clean toilets.

- You told her that?
- Yes.

No, Blobsnark,
you can do anything in life.

You just have
to believe in yourself.

What is this you speak of?



- Tim!
- Believing in yourself.

Don't fill Blobsnark's head

- with crazy ideas.
- Why?

Blobsnark loves
fixing toilets

and mopping and taking her
nails and going at the grout

that builds up from human waste.
It's her passion.

Papa, l... I wouldn't
call it my passion. L...

But Blobsnark, I thought
you loved the toilets

and the rats
and the human waste.

Oh, Papa, who wouldn't?

But this was always your dream,

not mine.

- I have failed you.
- Papa, no!

You know, it is "Take Your
Daughter to Work" week

where I work.

You could come in. You could
see what other career options

might exist for you.

Me? You think I could
be a businesswoman?

I do. You look like
a businesswoman with a plunger.

- Can I, Papa? Can I?
- Mmmm.

Papa, don't preach.

Okay, fine.

Tim, my daughter's future
is in your hands.

That's where
you want it to be.

Wow.

A conference room.

This is amazing, Tim.

Eh, pretty standard
conference room.

How do you like
the corporate world so far?

- Like it? I love it!
- Really?

My dream is to someday
be just like you, Tim...

a big successful
business executive.

I am... I am fairly successful.

Timothy,
you incompetent buffoon.

What's this?

I asked for a non-fat latte;

you bring me
a low-fat mochaccino.

A baboon could have performed
this task with greater efficiency.

No, baboons can't make lattes.

Timothy, what is the difference
between you and a baboon?

- There's a lot of differences.
- Name three.

Listen up, everyone...

this is a vital piece
of business strategy.

Oh, man.

Um, baboons...

live primarily outdoors.

Good. Fine.
Write this down.

- Are you...
- Baboons...

they have red rear ends.

Red rear ends. Good.

Uh, when you put me on the spot,
I can't think of a third.

Exactly. He can't think
of a third, everyone.

Don't let this happen to you.

Let's get going
with the meeting.

Is everyone here
that harsh, Tim?

No no, he's the boss.
He just needs to be firm.

Listen, the meeting's
going to start.

I think you're really
going to enjoy this.

Okay, people,
let's huddle up here.

We have a very important
day ahead of us.

I need to go around the room,
have specific Power Points met.

Stanley, start us off.

Fuck! I dropped my burrito.

- What?
- Jesus.

- I dropped my fucking burrito.
- Tim, get down there.

Mop up that burrito, stat.

- Me?
- Yes, you.

- You're low man on the totem pole...
- I don't...

There's whole chunks
of guacamole on my shoe.

Make sure you get that too.

Tim, get down there.
Get that guacamole.

This is a Fortune 500 company.

Can't have guacamole
on Stanley's shoes.

I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.

All right, while Tim
deals with the filth,

let's get back to business.

- Psst. Tim?
- Yeah?

Are you a superintendent?

Me? No.
Why do you say that?

Because you are under
the table cleaning up a burrito.

No. I'm a businessman.

I'm an executive.

Okay. Well, then,
what is the difference

between a superintendent

and a business executive?

I have email, 401(k)...

Tim, take off the blindfold.

So that was exciting.

- Tim? Tim?
- A little corporate meeting.

Is it me,
or does your job stink?

No, don't say that.

You got to pay your dues, right?

Tim, you have shattered
my dreams

and shown me the harsh reality
that is your corporate world.

Thank you for teaching me
not to have dreams.

No, that's not how
it's supposed to happen.

- This is awful.
- Uh-oh, who is it?

Stu. What's up, Tim?

Hey, Stu. Listen,
this is Blobsnark.

Blobsnark, Stu.

- Stu.
- What up?

Uh, I'm showing her
corporate America.

So how do you like it so far?

If I may be frank,
I would rather clean toilets.

That's a fair assessment.

- Listen...
- No.

- Why don't you guys
tag along for lunch?

Rick's client is taking us to Peter
Luger's best steakhouse in the city.

- We can go?
- Yeah!

- On the corporate card.
- That's amazing.

Yeah. So you'll get to see
what a real New York

business lunch is like.
Meet us downstairs in five?

In five?
How about three?

Is Stu the boss?

Boss? No, Stu is
the guy who finds out

where the free food is.

Uh-oh!
Free garbage burrito.

- Wow. Now this is exciting.
- Yeah.

It was so kind and generous
of them to invite us.

That's the great thing
about the corporate world...

you're gonna meet
a different class of people.

You know, these men are
business leaders,

leaders in their community,
in their churches...

- Wow!
...in their schools.

Hey! There they are.
Bang bang!

What do you say we make
a pass on the ribs

and get some titties
in our face? Ha ha ha!

- All right!
- Oh, this sounds like the thing to do.

- Yeah!
- Absolutely.

- No. Stu?
- Yes?

- We're having a business lunch.
- We're doing business.

No, it's "Take Your
Daughter to Work" week.

It's "Take Your Dick
to the Titty Bar" week.

Yeah!

- Tim?
- Love this guy.

Tim, I'm scared.

You know what, Stu?
Why don't you guys go in without us?

- What?
- I'm Blobsnark's guardian.

I can't take her in there.

- All right. I guess that makes sense.
- Yeah.

We'll see you on the rebound.

- All right, see ya.
- On the inside, man.

- All right, have fun.
- Oh, please, Tim,

I want to see all the aspects
of corporate America.

- Not this one.
- I am here to learn and absorb.

- Please allow me.
- Timmy,

she is here to learn.

I guess she's here to learn.

- She's here to learn, dude.
- She's gonna learn about commerce.

I guess... I guess it is
a good lesson in commerce.

- People skills.
- The exchange of cash.

- Mm-hmm.
- Is that a go?

Let's go. All right.
You talked me into it.

You're a good dad.

Tim, what exactly
is the strip club?

What is a strip club?
I thought you knew.

No, I don't, but it
sounded like fun.

A strip club, uh...

you know, the women
get on the stage

and take their clothes off.

And then what?

- Then what?
- Mm-hmm.

I don't know. They play
with the boobs a little.

That would be the whole job?

That's the job. You get naked
and then you're done...

Wait... let me get this straight.

- Okay.
- Haa.

- You just wake up...
- Yeah.

- Stay naked,
pack a lunch and go to work?

Pretty much, yeah.

That is a great job.

That is better than
your job, Tim. Ooh!

No, it's not better
than my job.

I'm a corporate executive.

L... I've got a 401(k).

Yeah, Tim, I'm gonna stop you.
Excuse me,

how much money
do you make?

Um, money...

I make, like, 800 bucks a night.

- How much do you make?
- I make about a 10th of that

before taxes.

- I have found my calling.
- No no.

- This is it, Tim.
- No no.

I'm going to be a stripper.

I'm going to change
my name to Cinnamon.

- What?
- The hair on my back is standing up.

- No, relax, Cinnamon.
- I can finally use my thighs!

- I love you, baby!
- What's he saying?

I want to eat shrimp scampi
off your ass.

Everyone is so supportive.

It is like a horny support group.

No, that's not supportive.
That's disgusting.

Tim, you told me
I needed to believe in myself

and I believe that
I can do this.

I believe that I was born
to work the pole.

You know what?
You have my blessing.

- Tim!
- You have my blessing.

- Tim!
- Let's do it.

Make me proud.

Mmm! Yum!

All right, and that
was Bambi, gents.

Put your meat-hooks
together.

Ooh, hold on. Seems to be
a change in the lineup.

Who's this? Okay, let's give her
a nice big hand,

for Blobsnark.

Hello.

I am Blobsnark

and I'm here to strip for you.

Are you a 40-year-old man?

No, I am a young woman
blossoming before your eyes.

Now I'm going
to take off my pantsuit

and show you...

my thighs
and personal regions.

Uh, can I get another drink?

So how'd it go with Blobsnark
today at the office?

Honestly, I think it was great.

- Really?
- I exposed her to new career options.

- That's great.
- If that's the goal of the program,

I think it was a success.

- Tim.
- Hey, Bashko.

- Tim, I have a question for you.
- Okay.

Why does my daughter
want to be a stripper?

A stripper?
No no.

- Yes.
- She wants to be a regional sales exec.

- No.
- No?

Stripper?
Remember, Tim?

You took me
to the strip club.

- Tim!
- That was the job I liked best.

You took her to a strip club?

I was trying to help her
follow her dreams, you know?

Some people want to climb
the corporate ladder,

some want to climb the pole.

It's a different way
to take it, you know?

As long as you're
climbing something.

Tim, I think you need to apologize
to the whole family.

Right now.

All right. Bashko?

I'd like to apologize
for taking your daughter

to a topless
and bottomless strip club...

- Ooh!
...on "Take Your Daughter to Work" day.

That was poor judgment
on my part.

- Yes.
- And Blobsnark?

- Yes?
- I want you to take this away,

if nothing else:

You can work at Omnicorp,

you can work with your dad,

or you can work the pole.

- I want to work the pole.
- Work the pole is a good option.

- I am flexible!
- It's one of three...

- I am flexible!
- It's one of three options.

This is not where
I saw this going.

Um, just keep this in mind:

If you want to work the pole...

Yes?

It's probably smart

to consider
losing the mustache.

- Tim!
- I'm just trying to help her.

- What mustache?
- I'm trying to help her.

Believe in yourself,
that's what I meant to say,

not lose the 'stache.
Believe in yourself.

That I can do.

- Hey, Tim?
- Yeah?

There's a cake
on the third floor.

They're having a birthday
thing for Susan.

What do I do
with that information?

You take that information
and you stuff free cake in your body.

- No, I don't want cake.
- You have to go.

- Go by yourself.
- Tim,

there is free cake
with our name on it.

I don't know Susan
and I don't like cake.

What do you mean
you don't like cake?

- I don't like cake.
- Go back to Russia, you communist.

- Get off my back.
- How can you not like cake?

It's like air for the body.

Cake is like air for the body?

- Tim.
- All right.

If it gets you to stop talking,
I'll go with you.

There's my man.

This is the worst cake ever.

Are you kidding me?
It's free.

- So just be cool.
- "Just be cool."

Hey, everybody.
Hi! I've got the candles here,

and let's put
the candle on the...

on... oh my God.

You inconsiderate
sons of bitches.

- Whoops.
- I'm not even here.

What?

Where'd Stu go?
I have to apologize...

I didn't know we were doing
the whole candle thing.

Mmm, yeah, hmm.

"The whole candle thing"...
what a strange thing to do

at a birthday party, huh?

I just didn't know.
I apol... Susan, I apologize.

Do you even know Susan?
Are you just here for the free cake?

- Do I know Susan?
- Yes.

Susan's one of my best,
closest friends at the company.

- Is that so?
- Right, Susan?

Right?

- She giving me the cold shoulder?
- Oh my...

- Earth to Susan.
- My God.

Are you as... she asleep?
What's she doing?

Susan is deaf, Tim.

- Susan is deaf?
- Yeah, she can't hear.

What? My Susan?

- My Susan.
- Susan.

- Just keep stuffing your face.
- We email a lot.

I didn't...
I never even noticed

that she never hears me.

- Never mind. Shut up, shut up.
- That's crazy.

Okay, everybody, let's sing!

One, two, three.

Hey, Tim's not singing.

What?
I was singing the song.

I was watching you
the whole time.

- Oh my God.
- Why are you watching me?

It's Susan's 50th birthday.
Not only have you wolfed down her cake,

you didn't even muster
up the energy to sing.

Oh, you're upsetting.
Oh, you are upsetting.

This is not a party
atmosphere at all.

- Oh my God...
- This party...

I just want to push you
into a wall or something.

- Push me into a wall.
- Or something.

I apologize for eating
the cake too early.

I do.
But does the singing...

the whole singing thing
really matter?

- Tim.
- She is deaf.

- I can't even believe...
- I don't think she understands music.

What's this?
Look, I think Susan agrees.

I think she's saying,
"Tim, it's totally cool."

No, that's not
what she's saying.

She's saying, "Tim,
you're an unbelievable prick."

- No no.
- "Now stop stuffing your face,

you shithead... you prick."

- No.
- "You jazz-handed douche."

- Jazz-handed douche?
- It goes on and on.

This is not
a festive birthday party.

You are a hot cup of asshole.

I swear to God. I agree
with everything she said.

- That's not a phrase.
- Come on... no!

- People don't say that.
- Susan, come on.

I'm taking you
to Bennigan's.

Such an asshole.

Tim,

I've heard some
distressing news.

- What's wrong?
- You snuck into a deaf woman's party

and, well, apparently you were
just there for the free cake.

- No.
- That's pretty low, Tim.

- That's not why I went.
- Why did you go?

- I don't even like cake.
- Cake?

Yeah, it's one of
my least-favorite foods.

What, are you Canadian?

No. I just went
to celebrate, you know...

Tim, you should have
sang the song.

She's deaf. You didn't
think she could hear you,

so you thought you could get away
with it. You should have sang the song,

- that's the bottom line.
- I was singing.

- I was humming at first...
- Really?

Then my plan,
which I never got to execute...

I was gonna take the floor,
kind of work the space a little

and do like an Ella Fitzgerald
kind of scat version of the song.

I don't think you have the pipes
to scat. Let's hear a quick scat line.

- Scat? No...
- Bring it.

The scat I
gotta warm up for.

I studied a little scat
back in the day.

- Let's hear some.
- I'm not gonna scat in here.

Exactly. Tim, this is
a company founded on teamwork,

- on camaraderie.
- Yeah.

And I need everyone in this building
to sing at the drop of a hat.

Now right now I need you
to sing "Happy Birthday"

or I'm gonna have
to let you go.

- I have to sing "Happy Birthday"?
- "Happy Birthday,"

- out of your mouth.
- To who?

I don't care. To the stapler.

You want me to sing
"Happy Birthday" to the stapler?

Stapler is three years old.
Let it rip.

Okay. Ahem.

Full voice.

That was...

- that was actually quite good.
- Really?

- Yeah, I'm a bit... I'm a bit impressed.
- That's amazing.

Great. I mean, honestly,
for me singing is

one of the great
joys in life...

just hearing the melody
pour out of my mouth.

- Hmm.
- That's why...

I mean, obviously at the party,
I was obviously singing.

- Right.
- With that voice, don't hold back.

- No.
- Um...

Well, Tim, I think you've just

made a group of black women
very happy.

What did I do?

Rhonda? Listen,
I've got great news.

- Don't call Rhonda.
- A young man named Tim...

listen, he says the joy of song

is one of the great
pleasures in his life.

- Was that the direct quote, Tim?
- Something like that.

Anyway, listen, Rhonda,
I'm gonna send him up this weekend

so you don't have to cancel
the event. Ha ha ha!

It is.
It's a miracle!

Okay, bye-bye.

What... what's the miracle?

This Saturday you'll be singing
at the East Bronx Women's Gospel Choir.

- No.
- 20 black women and you

expressing yourselves
through song.

Have fun.
Knock it out of the park.

Hey, Debbie.

Hi, Tim.
Oh, baby, what's wrong?

You look down.

Uh, I volunteered to sing
with a gospel choir.

Oh, so what's the problem?

I can't sing,

I'm not a black woman

and I don't know the lyrics
to any gospel songs.

- That is a problem.
- Three... yeah, three problems.

Ooh, well, why don't I
fill in for you?

- I used to sing in a choir.
- You? That's amazing.

I know all those
religious songs. Listen...

Ahem...

- No...
- And it keeps going like that.

That is not a gospel song,
technically.

It's not a gospel song?

No, that was off
Eddie Murphy's first album.

- Oh.
- Listen, I can't be picky right now.

If you want to fill in,
I'll take you up on that.

- That sounds...
- Oh, I would love to.

- That sounds great.
- If nothing else,

I'll blend in better
than you would, right?

How... how could you not?

I gotta be honest... you're not
blending in as well as I'd hoped.

- No?
- It's just...

very few of the women
are wearing bathing suits.

Oh, I always like to wear
something colorful to church.

- I guess so.
- And something

that shows off
my divine creation.

- Uh, excuse me, ma'am?
- Yes, sir?

- I can't let you in.
- Me?

- What's this?
- Why's that?

- She's here to sing.
- She's here to what?

- Sing in the choir.
- I'm to sing.

Not dressed
like that, you ain't.

Put a robe... you could put
a robe on over it, right?

- I'll put a robe on.
- Look... there are numerous reasons

I can't let you in this church,
but mostly because

you're dressed like that and you're
chugging a bottle of peach schnapps.

- Oh, this?
- Yeah.

- Those are problems?
- Yes.

Oh, I wasn't gonna
drink inside.

I was gonna
stuff it in my bra.

- She was gonna stuff it in her bra.
- Keeps it warm.

Darling, you can't bring the bottle
through the doorway.

No, if you stuff it
in your bra, you're good.

You can't bring the bottle
through the doorway.

This does not seem like
a very progressive church, sir.

This is not progressive at all.

The service is about to start.
Are you the singer?

I guess I am now.

You're the new
guest singer, right?

- No, I'm just hanging out.
- You're not Tim?

I guess technically
I'm the guest singer, yes.

Yes, you are. Well, praise the Lord.
How are you?

I'm doing... I'm a little
nervous, actually.

- Listen, I have a confession.
- Uh-huh.

I don't know the lyrics
to any gospel songs.

- Not even "Amazing Grace"?
- Never heard of it.

You know what, baby?
Look, don't worry about it.

- Just mouth the words.
- Mouth the words?

- No one will care?
- No one's gonna hear you anyway.

Look, just close your eyes,
wave your hands side to side

and you'll be just fine.
Trust me, you'll fit right in.

- That's amazing.
- "Amazing Grace."

Praise the Lord.

- Little church humor.
- Well...

we are celebrating
the 100th anniversary

of this church!

And that is something
to shout about.

- Praise God! Praise God!
- Amen! Thank you, Jesus.

- God be praised!
- Amen. Amen.

Now the choir almost had
to cancel the performance...

- Now that's a shame.
...when we found out our lead tenor

had a terrible sore throat.

- Oh, my!
- That's the enemy, that's the enemy.

- But then...
- Mm-hmm.

- A miracle was performed.

Hallelujah! Amen!

God sent us a young man

- named Tim.
- Tim!

He said, "I will join your choir

- and help sing your songs..."
- Bless you, Tim.

"Because God has given me
the voice of an angel."

Never said that.

Now take it away,
East Bronx Women's Gospel Choir

with God's gift to us...
Mr. Tim.

Yes, Lord!

Raise the roof!

Let God hear those voices.

Oh, yeah.

What's the matter?
Is this thing on?

Go ahead, Tim, it's you.

Raise the roof.

- Hey, Tim's not singing.
- What?

No, Tim was singing.
Let's continue.

Huh-uh. Tim was
mouthing the words.

I don't mean to point fingers,
but that was her idea.

- Oh, excuse me, no, it wasn't.
- Let's all be mad at her...

instead of me.

Son, why exactly
did you join this choir?

- Why did I join?
- I'll tell you why...

that boy just came here
for the free robe.

- Have mercy.
- The free robe?

- Mm-hmm.
- No, if I wanted a robe,

I'd go to Macy's,
to the menswear section.

- Mmm-mmm-mmm.
- I would not join a choir and...

that's an elaborate way
to get a robe.

You can't get a robe
like this at Macy's.

I don't even like robes.

Robes and cake...
don't care for either one.

Tim,

I'm sorry I wore
my bathing suit to church.

Don't be.
It's a common mistake.

So how'd it go in there?

Not great.
Not a pleasant church...

- Ohh.
...experience.

I just can't catch a break.
That's the bottom line.

No no, baby. You gotta do
what my mama taught me.

- Yeah?
- She said, "Debbie,

when life's got you down,

you gotta pick yourself up,

- look at yourself in the mirror..."
- Okay.

"...and proceed to consume
an entire bottle

of peach schnapps

until you pass out."

That's actually
very good advice.

- Isn't it though?
- That is.

- Your mom was a smart lady.
- She was a saint.