The Life & Times of Tim (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 5 - Tim, Stu and Marie/Miss February - full transcript

Oh, Stu, don't feel bad.
Come on.

God, I just want to put
a bullet in my brain.

I can't believe my date
is a no-show.

- It's not that big a deal.
- Come on, Stu.

This was supposed to be
a double date.

No, I mean,
I'm used to it being the three of us.

- Yeah.
- And sometimes it's fun.

You guys don't get it, okay?

It's not easy meeting
someone in this new age.

Maybe you need
to work on your approach.

- Yeah.
- Tell me what you say when



- you meet a girl you like.
- Okay, usually I'm like,

"Excuse me. Are you ready
to get Stued?

By the way, my name's Stu."

- Whoa.
- That doesn't even sound

like it's fun... getting "Stued."

I think you're making
this harder than it actually is.

- Yeah.
- You just find a nice girl

and ask her out
for a drink. No lines...

I don't know where
to meet a nice girl.

What about work?

Well, there is
this one girl at work,

but I'm just kind of too
nervous to ask her out.

- At work? Who?
- Marie.

Not Marie Marie.



Yeah, Marie.

Pretty Marie.

Morons! What part of
"Blue is for recycling"

do you not understand?

I am going to leave
the company rulebook open to the page

I need you to memorize,
or you'll lose your vacation time.

Suck on that!

You're physically
attracted to Marie?

Ohhhh, I love the way she yells.

That's a strange thing
to be attracted to.

You know what?
I'm going to take your advice

and I'm gonna ask her out.

No, that was not the advice.

- Tim.
- Yeah?

- I'm desperate.
- Not that desperate.

The only two people
at work I have not asked out

are Marie and Gladys.

Oh, these feet are filthy,
aren't they?

Shouldn't clip the toenails
in public, you know?

Yeah.

I wouldn't rule Gladys out.
I really wouldn't.

Sure, Debra,
we offer maternity leave.

It's called "the weekend."

Squeeze the kid out,
sew it up, be back Monday.

Yes, Stewart?

Oh, hello, Marie.

Yes, Stewart, go ahead.

Marie, listen...

I have a question for you.

The answer, I'm sure, is no, Stewart.
Will that be all?

Uhhh, yes, but no.

It's not about... me...

Uhhh...

It's uhh...

errr...

it's about us.

As in, OmniCorp Worldwide us?

No, us as in me and you...

boyfriend girlfriend.

I'd like you to be asked out
on a date by me.

- Stewart?
- Mm-hmm?

I'm flabbergasted.
That's unexpected.

But I must admit,
it's flattering.

Why don't we meet
at O'Flaherty's after work,

- take it for a test run?
- A test run?

Run it up the flagpole,
see who salutes.

- I will salute!
- Fantastic.

You are the president
of my heart.

Okay. Are you gonna
meet me at the bar?

I'll wear a sweater

so you know which one I am.

- Oh my God. Oh my God.
- Are you okay, Stu?

You having a heart attack?

No no no. I might be.
She said yes, Tim.

- Marie said yes?
- Marie said yes. Marie said yes.

- We're going...
- You're going on a date?

- We're going on a date.
- Lie down, Stu.

Oh, why are the walls
so small in here?

- You're going on a date?
- Oh, Tim, if you don't...

No one's ever said yes to me.
Tim, you gotta go with me.

Go with... no.
Dates are for two people.

Just for like 10 minutes,
just to... listen-

just to break the ice.

Don't speak, Stu.
Stu, don't speak.

I'll go with you.

I'll go for five minutes
to get the ball rolling.

There's like this taste
of battery acid in my mouth.

That's a strange reaction
to a woman saying yes.

I have to say, Stewart,

I don't get propositioned
by many of the young men at the firm.

They must not appreciate
your shrill, abrasive yelling like I do.

- Tim!
- Hey, Stu and Marie.

- What a coincidence.
- Casual to see you here, Tim.

Oh, we have an elaborate
plan here, don't we?

- What?
- Just happened to be traveling by, huh?

All right.
I just thought I'd say hi.

How's the date going?

It was scintillating,
but now that you're here, Tim,

I think it puts
an added value bonus on it.

What is that
supposed to mean?

- Tim.
- Yeah?

I think we all know
why you're here.

We do?

Look, I have to say
I love the idea

of a threesome.

- What?
- Oh boy.

What? What did you say?

I'm talking about
the three of us

having wild sex
in my studio apartment

with my cats
and my fake plants.

That was the strangest
sentence I've ever heard.

- The answer is yes.
- I'm gonna get out of here.

- You guys have fun...
- No!

- Enjoy the date...
- No!

- Well, l...
- No!

I feel silly, as though
I've misread the signs.

- No, you haven't. You have not...
- She did.

You are right on
the money, Marie.

She misread them a little bit.

Ring ring ring!
Oh, I think

your cell phone
is ringing in the bathroom.

Let's go take the call, Tim.

Do not blow this for me.

I have to blow it for you.

I'm not having a threesome

- with you and the HR lady.
- Why not?

That trio will never
be naked together.

- Come on.
- No.

It's just like we
used to talk about in high school.

We didn't go to
high school together.

Tim, just go to her apartment
with me, okay?

- No.
- And before anything happens,

you pretend to get
an emergency call...

Amy's dead, whatever you want
to say... and you cut out.

And then I make sweet, dirty sex

- to Marie.
- This plan is not strong.

Tim, I haven't been naked with a woman
since I took baths with my mom.

Fine. I'll go for five minutes
and then I'm leaving.

Thank you, Tim.
You will not regret this.

I already regret it.

Stu...

Stu's gonna
get it wet tonight.

Get me out of here.

# Tim and Stu #

# And Marie the HR lady #

# Gonna get naked
and do the Funky Stu... #

- Wow.
- # Stu #

# Beef Stu #

# Tim and Beef Stu. #

- Why am I here?
- Okay, boys,

how about a little music
to put you in the mood?

Yeah, something sexy.

Read my mind.

That is not good threesome music.

Tim, remove your shirt now.

What kind of way
is that to start a threesome?

Come on, shirtless guys.

No no.

Oh no! What's this?

I don't believe this.
I have to leave.

- I have to leave the threesome...
- Tim...

and go home.
I got an emergency email.

This is disappointing.

- Tim, your phone is off.
- I have to go to...

Tim, I'm just going to keep
your phone over here.

It's contraband for now.

Get comfy.

That emergency thing
did not work.

- Sorry about that.
- That plan was not well executed.

I promise I'm gonna do
what I can to get you out of here.

Thank you.

Do you gentlemen mind
if I videotape this?

Not at all.
Start filming now.

- Tim, take your shirt off.
- No.

- Let's do this.
- What just happened?

All right, Stewart,
say something dirty.

Tell me what you'd
like me to do to you.

Oh, gosh, uh,
so many things...

I want to, you know,
bang you, for starters.

That's great.
If you could identify yourself first,

tell me the date, the time,
your employee I.D. Number.

- Why?
- It just turns me on, Tim.

Shh shh shh shh shh.

My name is Stu,
employee number 17263.

It's 10:00 P.M.
And I am here with the intention

of totally boning the human resources
director at OmniCorp.

That is not good dirty talk.

- I thought that was fine indeed.
- That is not good.

Tim, if we can hear something
from you now, please.

- I'm not a big dirty talker.
- No?

Just skip me.

Tim, just play along.
Tim, just play along.

All right. I'm Tim.
I'm employee 24124.

- Ooh.
- I'm here to just, uh, you know,

- be intimate...
- Intimate?

With the HR lady.
I want to hug her and kiss her.

- Can you get a little more...
- That's about it.

- A little more detailed?
- You can do better than that, Tim.

- Just try.
- All right, fine. Here we go.

I'm Tim, employee 24124.

- Okay, great.
- I want to nail the H.R. Lady.

- Mm-hmm.
- Sure!

Pretty much want
to stick it to her.

- Yeah!
- Right?

- Uh-huh.
- While Stu is naked in proximity...

- close proximity.
- Number 17263.

Can I leave?
Can I get out of here?

You can,
but can I talk dirty first?

- Okay.
- Yeah, it's Marie's turn.

How about if I just read from
the OmniCorp employee rulebook?

Oh, you weirdo. I love it.

Great. Section 12, Article 3A...

- Mmm.
..."No OmniCorp employee

shall engage
in romantic relationships

with a coworker while
under the employ of Omnicorp

or any of its
subsidiary companies."

- Wait. I'm... I'm...
- That didn't sound dirty at all.

- Tim...
- I don't think you're playing along

- like we are.
- It's called a setup.

- You're both busted...
- No no.

No vacation time for a year.

- Okay.
- Oh, Stu.

I'm having some trouble
processing this.

- I knew this seemed too-
- Too good to be true?

"Too good to be true"
is a weird way to phrase it, but yeah.

All right, people, listen.

Earlier this week
we asked you specifically

to memorize
the corporate rulebook.

But some of you have not

and now we need to make
an example of you.

Oh, boy.

- Rodney.
- Yeah.

Marie informs me
that you were caught

making copies
without the proper client code.

- Moron.
- How many times, Rodney?

Sorry, boss.
No excuse.

All right. Now, Gladys,
we made a rule specifically for you...

no toenail clipping at work.
Yet you continue to clip away.

Sorry. It's irresponsible
and unhygienic.

- Okay.
- Wow.

Gladys, you gotta follow the rules.

Is that it?

No, Tim.
Interestingly enough,

there seems to be one more
incident worth noting.

- Uh-oh.
- Would you care to share

your story with the group?

Okay, I um...

I handed in my time sheets

on Thursday
instead of Wednesday.

- Really?
- It's not much of a story.

I just handed it in a day late.

Marie, let's just
go to the videotape.

- Rolling.
- Videotape?

I'm Tim, employee 24124.

My name is Stu,
employee number 17263.

Tim, take your shirt off.
Let's do this.

I want to nail
the HR lady.

I want to nail the HR lady.

- Sure.
- Pretty much want to stick it to her.

- Yeah.
- Right.

I want to bang you
for starters.

Bang you.

Bang you.
Bang you.

Bang you.

Hmm.

Tim, it's unbelievable.
What do you have to say for yourself?

Um, I just want to say

that I think that was some
unnecessarily high production value.

I mean honestly,
is anyone as offended as I am

at how much time
went into that video?

That's the shocking thing here.

Ugh. If I weren't already
embarrassed about who I was,

I'd be really embarrassed
about who I am.

Hello, Stewart, Tim.

- Hey, Marie.
- Oh, hello, Marie.

I thought the two of you handled
that slap on the wrist very well.

Thank you?

And if we can keep this
our little secret,

I'd actually like to
take you up on your offer.

Offer?
The three-way offer?

- The three-way offer.
- I think that's a bad idea.

Absolutely. Let's do it,

tonight, okay?
Come to my place. I will bring chips

I will get lube,
some Papa John's.

- I will also purchase a couch.
- Stu...

this was setup number two.
You're busted again.

No vacation for two years.

Stu, you really should have
seen that coming.

When you live in
the fast-paced world of three-ways,

you never really
see it coming, Tim.

Just the Hubba Bubba?

Excuse me?

Just the Hubba Bubba?

I can't understand what
you're saying to me.

- Just the gum?
- The gum, yeah, that's all.

Excuse me.
When's Valentine's Day?

- Valentine's Day's today.
- Today?

- Almost over.
- Don't say that.

- No?
- No.

Do you have any gifts?
Any candy?

- All out.
- You got any cards?

- All out.
- Give me something. You got flowers?

- All out.
- You're out of flowers?

- Check with Serge.
- Where's Serge?

Go outside.

Serge?

- Yes, my friend?
- You're Serge?

- Yes.
- I need flowers.

- Oh. Valentine's Day flowers?
- Yeah.

- Very late in the day.
- I know. I just need something.

- I know it's late.
- How much you have?

- Six bucks.
- Six...

Six bucks.

- Roses?
- I can set you up with a fern.

- A fern.
- A fern or a cactus.

- Fern or cactus?
- That's what I have... fern...

- That's not even flowers.
...cactus. That's it.

- What would you like?
- Neither.

Cactus.
I'm winking at you.

- Yeah...
- Go with cactus.

Go with cactus?

Is that more romantic?

Oh, it's very romantic.
Look at it.

- It looks awful.
- No no no.

Nothing says,
"I want to poke you" like a cactus.

You think that's
what that communicates?

- Nothing says...
- I guess so.

..."I want to stick it
to you forever, hard"

better than a cactus.

- Never thought of it that way.
- Yes.

Okay, wrap it up.

- "I wish to poke you."
- "I want to poke you

like a cactus."

Amy, I have a little surprise.

You do? How fun!

It's Valentine's Day,

the holiday
which I remembered.

- Voila!
- Oh.

Flowers.

Um, Tim,
That's a cactus.

No, I got it
at the flower shop.

Yeah, but it's a cactus.

No, it's a flower.
It's a flower of the desert.

- Um...
- Here, smell it.

- It smells beautiful.
- Ouch!

- Ouch?
- Son of a bitch!

- Son of a bitch?
- Jesus, am I bleeding?

- What kind of language is that?
- That really hurt!

- Give me a kiss.
- No, I think I'm bleeding. Look!

No one's bleeding.
There's no blood, only romance.

- That really hurt.
- Let's just put the cactus away.

You know what?
Just put it away.

It was a nice gesture.
You gotta admit that.

So what are
our dinner plans?

The dinner plans...

- Valentine's Day dinner.
...are to go to... yeah yeah.

The plans are to go to
a nice Italian restaurant.

- Oh. Okay.
- I can get us in.

- That sounds great.
- I'll get us in no problem.

Wow, this is so authentic.

Red, all the red.

- Feels like we're in Italy.
- You're joking, right?

What are you talking about?

This is what Italy is like.

Hey, would you shut up
and just make the fucking calzones?

- This is not Italy.
- This is not?

Tim, I know
you're on a budget,

but couldn't we have gone
to a real restaurant?

- This is a real restaurant.
- It is not, Tim.

- We paid for food.
- This is a to-go pizza place.

I can't believe that
you brought me here.

Amy, just because I come here on my
lunch break four out of five days

of the week does not make
this night any less magical.

- Yes it does.
- Why? All I see is you.

I look into your eyes.
I don't look into the eyes of the bum

picking the crust off the floor.

I'm looking at my girl.

- Sir?
- Yeah?

- Excuse me.
- Yeah?

We're having
a Valentine's Day dinner here.

- Oh, happy Valentine's.
- Thank you.

But this isn't a restaurant, really.

- What is it?
- It's a pizza place, man.

What are you talking about?
You serve bread and salad.

Yes, but if you need
to go to the bathroom,

you have to get a key.

- You have to get a key?
- See the key attached

- to the plastic sausage?
- That's men's?

That's the men's room.

It's not classy, I'll give you that,

but come on.
If there's metal silverware,

I think that puts it
over the edge.

That's a restaurant.

Okay, you're close, but wrong.

- I feel like everyone's going crazy.
- No, wait a minute.

If your food's served
on a brown tray

that can be stacked above
the garbage, it's not a restaurant.

Good point, actually.

- Ew!
- What happened?

He's mopping over my feet!
Gross!

- What are you doing?
- I'm mopping over her feet.

- Why are you doing that?
- 'Cause it's gross

and it wouldn't happen in a restaurant
and I'm proving my point.

- I'm leaving.
- No, no. We're having a nice dinner.

Amy, where are you going?

If you're going to the bathroom,
you need a key.

I think the meatball
is the women's room.

Well, if it isn't
my favorite customer!

- Oh, Debbie.
- Hey, you look down.

I kind of messed up.
Valentine's Day was not a big hit.

What did you get
your girlfriend?

This year
I went for a cactus...

- Oh.
...and a slice...

- a slice of pizza.
- That's awful, boy!

Even I had a better
Valentine's Day than that,

and I was giving some homeless
gentleman a $10 BJ on the subway.

Not a bad Valentine's Day.

What you've got to do is buy
something nice for your lady-friend.

I can't afford something nice.

Okay, how much money
do you have?

I got like three bucks.

I know a place.
Let's go.

Larry's Bras
and Hooker Outfits?

Isn't that nice?
This is where I got these pants.

They work on you,
but I can't get those for Amy.

Thank you
for the compliment.

She has a dress code
at her office.

Oh, so no assless pants?

You gotta cover
that rear end.

Oh, like in church.

Yeah. At all times,
cover it up.

Well, they have many
other things here.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

It's much like
a Nordstrom's, Timmy,

but without the piano player.

I guess they don't
need the piano player.

Who the hell does?

- Can I get some help here?
- Yeah, sure. 'Sup?

- I need lingerie for my girlfriend.
- Sweet. What's her boob size?

Sweet... uh, her boob size
is like a medium.

- Medium?
- Medium boobs.

- Medium boobs?
- Yeah.

What are you, 12 years old?

Give me letters and numbers.

- I'm a grown man.
- 32B, 32C, what is she?

Can I give you, like, fruit?

Can I squeeze the air and...

tell you it's...

What kind of fruit-size boobs
does your girlfriend have?

- Oranges?
- Oranges.

Grapefruit, maybe?

Orange or grapefruit?
Those are totally different, dude.

How about sweet potatoes?
Do vegetables count?

- No.
- They don't count?

- No.
- Why?

- I don't do them that way.
- You don't do them that way?

- No.
- Can you adjust?

I have my system.
I've been doing this a long time.

What are yours?
What are those... what do you got there?

Mmm, Bartlett pear.

Those are not...

that's bigger
than a Bartlett pear!

I've had a pear before.

Well, do you get them
in a box around the holidays?

- Yeah.
- That's about right.

Listen, dude, you gotta
get me a size, all right?

Just go and take a picture
of your girlfriend's rack

and I can figure
it out from there.

- Take a picture?
- Yeah, you know,

maybe like
if she's on all fours,

on some sort of rug,
that's rad.

That'll help me, 'cause the way
they hang, it helps me...

- I can't promise I can...
- Just pull it off incognito.

Is this a good idea?

I think that's
a tremendous idea.

- That's a tremendous idea?
- Oh, yes.

- All right.
- Let's go now.

Hey, Tim, can you grab me
a towel from the rack?

Okay, one second.

Why don't you stand up?
I'll hand it to you.

Lean some more.

- Okay.
- Turn to the light.

I can't...
there we go.

What are you doing?

What do you mean?

I took a picture
of your rack.

I said hand me
a towel off the rack.

Oh! That makes
a lot more sense.

Yeah, you think?

- You don't want the photo, then?
- No!

All right, my mistake.

Hey, I'm back.

Got the stuff?

The stuff?
I got the photo.

- Yeah.
- I feel weird showing it to you.

Dude, I see this stuff so often
it doesn't even affect me anymore.

I'm like a doctor.

I'm like a boob doctor.

You're like a boob doctor.
Okay.

- Here's the photo.
- Let's take a look.

Yowza!

Who-ho-ho!

Doctors don't say "Yowza."

Those are nice.

Doctors don't say "Yowza."

Hold on, let me see.

She's about a 32B.

- Okay.
- I got something perfect for her.

Hold on.
I'll be right back.

Dr. Larry.

- How about this?
- That's a little strange.

She's gonna love it!

If she's onstage
she can swing them around,

get the crowd
all riled up.

No, this is just more
for support, isn't it?

She doesn't need
to swing anything.

Trust me, she's gonna
want to swing 'em.

She's not gonna
want to swing 'em.

- With those?
- You've never met Amy.

- The ones I saw in that picture?
- She's not gonna want

- to swing them.
- She's gonna want to swing 'em.

Every girl at heart
wants to swing them.

I guess you'd know better.

Hey, who runs a bra store?

- You... Larry does.
- Yep.

Fair enough.
Wrap it up.

All right.
Good call, my man.

- Can I get that photo?
- Oh, let me get it out of the scanner.

The scanner?

I felt so bad about
the pizza debacle

and that cactus
making your face bleed,

I got you
something special.

You didn't
have to do that, Tim.

Well, I did.

Whoa!

"Whoa" you love it,
or "whoa"...

What is this?

It's a bra.
It's for your boobs.

- What do I do with these?
- You can swing them.

Kind of like a stripper?

No, like a nice normal girl

swinging her boobs
in the air.

- Um...
- You're gonna like it.

It's fun.
It's something to do.

Maybe I can just exchange it.
Where'd you buy it?

I don't even remember
the name.

Oh, well, here it says

"Larry's Bras
and Hooker Outfits"?

- That's not the right receipt.
- What?

That's not where
I bought it.

Is this where you
bought my present?

Hold that thought.

We got visitors.

Oh, hey, Bashko.

Hello, Tim. Is Amy inside?

- There she is.
- Hi.

Amy-yyyyyyy!

May my friend come in?
Thank you.

Amy, we wanted
to congratulate you.

- On what?
- On being on the internet.

On the internet?

- Miss February.
- You are standing in the bathtub,

naked, wet.

What are you
talking about?

Go to the internet
and it's on "Larry Lovely..."

- "Wet Ladies..."
- "Wet Ladies..."

...dot-com.
- Larry's...?

Tim, are you hearing this?

- I am. It's a little...
- A picture of me getting out

of the bathtub
on some porn website?

- Yeah.
- What do you have to say, Tim?

I'm gonna go out
on a limb here, but...

congratulations?

Okay, Amy,
let's just put it all behind us.

We're at a real restaurant now,

I got you removed
from the porn site,

and we're gonna go
exchange your gift.

It's all good?

This is nice, Tim.

- That's good.
- This is really nice.

- Hey!
- Woops, there's Debbie.

- Hey!
- Oh, there's... wow.

- Isn't it my favorite couple?
- It is.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just tend to walk around.

Hello, Amy.

Hi, Debbie.

Tell me, sweetheart,
how do you like your gift?

Honestly, it's not me.

Well, did you try it on?

At least try it on.

I am not trying this on here.

Amy, try it on.
Come on.

Just slip it on.

Slip it on real quick.

I'm not putting it on.

Well, I will put it on for Amy.

There you go.

Okay, Debbie's putting it on.

She's putting it on. Wow.

How's that?

That is surprisingly tasteful.

- Mm!
- It's great.

- I think it's a keeper.
- Wow!

- Happy ending.
- You can really swing these!

This is really something!

That really is well made.

Why is Amy blushing?

- I can't imagine why.
- It's great, Tim.

Happy Valentine's Day.