The Life & Times of Tim (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 4 - Mad Dog Tim/Monday Night Confession - full transcript

- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

- Yo.
- You guys want any coffee?

I'm gonna run out real quick.

Oh, Timothy,
you are just too sweet.

- A little bit.
- Well...

I would love a grande mochaccino.

- Grande mochaccino.
- And I will take a large vanilla latte

as well as a meatball sub
with extra meatballs, toasted...

They don't have those
at the coffee shop.

...with provolone.
- Timothy.

- Yeah?
- I need to see you.



- Me?
- You, Timothy,

in my office. Couch.
Sit. Now. Come, Timothy.

Dude, did you do
something wrong?

L... uh, I apparently did.

He sounds very mad.

Oh, who's the best boy
in the world?

Keith is. That's right.
Daddy loves Keith.

You, uh, wanted to see me?

- Oh, Timothy, yes.
- Yes?

As you can see,
I brought Keith in today

even though, as we all know,

the building
strictly forbids dogs.

- Yeah?
- And even though I'm the boss,

I'm not exempt from the rules.



Now the last thing I need
is Marie from "H&R"...

that means
Human Resources...

- giving me a hard time about this.
- Wh... where do I come in?

Well...

on our way out
of the elevators

sweet Keith here
innocently pooped on the rug.

- He pooped.
- Defecated.

No, I understand what you mean,
I just don't know what you...

- what you want me to do.
- Well...

- I don't have to clean it up, do I?
- No no no no.

Somebody else can clean it up.
Don't worry about it.

- Great.
- I want you to say you did it.

Say I did it?

Tell everyone you took
a poop on the rug.

- No. No.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I can't say that.
People would remember that.

- Mmm.
- I think that story could catch on.

Listen. Just go to everyone...

individually, as a group,
however you want to do it...

and say, "Hey, I took a poop
on the rug by the elevators,

now let's all just
move on with our lives."

- I don't think it's that simple.
- Well, I just said it.

That's just not
a good career move.

- Oh, no, it really is...
- That could bury me.

...a strong bold statement,
saying, "I'm here."

Listen. I would consider
this a personal favor.

Capisce?

I guess the business world
is all about favors.

You've made a very
very wise choice here.

It doesn't feel like it.

Can I have everyone's attention
in this area, please?

- Oh, boy.
- Evidently, one of you decided

to bring in a dog today.

I need to know
who that person is.

Building management
wants the dog out.

Unbelievable.
Strictly against policy.

Come on, people.
I need to see the pooch.

I don't want
to have to conduct a search.

You know what?
I have a confession to make.

L... I did it.

- You did it?
- I did it.

I don't know what
"I did it" means.

- It means I did...
- It?

- It was me.
- What does that mean?

- If I may?
- What does it mean? I think we all...

Look, I think...
Tim, if I could take this?

- Thank you. I appreciate that.
- Certainly.

I think what Tim is...
what Tim is trying to say here

is that he took
a dump by the elevator.

Back to work.

Dude. That is messed up, man.

- Tim, why on earth would you do that?
- Disgusting.

- Wh... why?
- Why?

Just... just... I'm busy.

I'm... this is New York.
Fast-paced...

fast-paced business world.
I don't have time to...

What does New York
have to do with...

I don't have time to be using
public restrooms every day.

Is this some kind of a joke?

A joke? No, it's just a...

an attitude,
an overall attitude,

a rebellious attitude.

I'm Tim and I, uh...

Poop where you want.

You don't like it?
That's the way I am.

- Tim.
- Yeah?

- That was brilliant.
- You thought so?

Oh, you handled that,
oh, with a lot of class.

Cla... I don't think
class is the right word.

Everyone is talking
about how you behaved

with nothing
but class and dignity.

L... I don't think that's
what they're saying.

Oh, they are.
I can hear them.

- Yeah?
- Listen. I want one more little favor

- from you and you're done.
- One more... no.

- No, it's gotta stop.
- No, it will, right after this.

You just take Keith downstairs
for a quick little walk,

- so we get no more accidents...
- No. No more...

...then we're all done.
- I thought I was done.

- No, just this one little thing.
- One more thing.

Right right right. Just walk him,
scoop up his poop in your hand

and then you're done.

And if he does anything else
between here and the outside area,

just claim responsibility
for it like you did so classily before.

- Anything Keith does...
- You did.

I guess...
how much worse can it get?

Well, that's...
that's a question for Keith.

He is his own man,
you know.

- Hey, Keith.
- How's it going?

- That was me, that wasn't Keith.
- That was you.

Right. Listen,
he means the world to me...

- Yeah.
...so just stuff his head back

into that duffel bag
and get the hell out of here.

Helen.

Oh, hi, Timothy.

How was the mochaccino?

- Ooh, it was lovely.
- That's good.

Delish.

Oh. Tim.

What was that?
Was that you?

Tim, your bag is barking.

- No, I think it was you.
- No.

Maybe it was me.
I cough funny.

- What?
- I cough like a dog... like a small dog.

- You know... yeah.
- That's a weird cough. It's bugging me.

- It's really irritating me.
- I think someone has

a little pooch
in the office today...

which is against the rules.

- No.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, come on, let him out.

- No, I can't.
- No, let me see this cute little guy.

- There's strict rules.
- Oh, I just want to pet him.

Okay, come on out Keith.

- There he is.
- Oh, come here, Keithy.

Look, he's smiling at me.

The son of a bitch bit me!

Oh God! Oh!

No, you're fine.
She's fine.

- My ankle!
- What happened in here?

- Nothing... nothing to see here.
- Bit me!

This woman's bleeding
pretty badly.

That? What,
'cause there's a trail of blood?

We need to get her
to a hospital, stat.

- Oh, God! Oh!
- Come with me, ma'am.

- Let's go.
- Nah, she looks okay.

It's not that...
it's not that bad.

What exactly happened
in there, sir?

- It was just the two of us.
- Yeah, I saw that. Then?

Then... then I bit Helen.

Tim.

- It's not good.
- No, it's not good.

Exactly. Finally you're
right about something.

What exactly did you say
to the security man?

The quote was...

"I bit Helen."

- Okay.
- And then I ran up the stairs.

- Okay.
- I panicked. I'll admit it.

Okay okay okay.
Listen, we can work with this.

That's pretty classy thinking.
We need reasons,

we need motives
why you would bite Helen.

We could say it was
a sexual thing,

some kind of crazy,
perverted sexual advance gone...

I mean,
you like Helen, right?

- It went wrong.
- No no, I don't like that.

Between that and the pooping,
my reputation here is...

- Classy. Listen.
- It's... it's not the way...

Okay, plan B: We could say
that you have fits of rage...

- No. No.
...you are mentally totally unbalanced

and you need mental treatment.

Done. Problem solved.

I was just thinking that
we could admit that it was Keith

and then you stop bringing
Keith into work.

No, it's an awful idea.

That's the best solution
on the table.

No, not if "biting"
is involved,

because this has
legal ramifications for sweet Keith.

I'm afraid they'll have to
put the little guy down

and that is not
going to happen. Is it, Keith?

- No, Keith is a good boy.
- He's not a good boy.

- You realize that, right?
- Okay, Tim, listen.

Here's the plan:
I will talk to Helen,

I will make sure
she plays along;

you take responsibility
for the bite

and I give you
a 10% pay raise. Deal.

- 10%?
- Pay raise.

And I just say I bit her.

- Who bit Helen?
- I bit Helen.

Bingo.
Who's a good boy?

- Me.
- What?

- Tim's a good boy?
- I was talking to Keith, but yeah.

- Oh oh oh.
- No, you're a good boy.

I'm a good boy too.

Dude, you dropped
a deuce on the carpet?

- No, I did not do that.
- And you bit a woman in the ankle.

I didn't do either of those things.

I'm watching the boss's dog.

- Aha.
- Yeah, Keith is out of control.

You're covering for him.
His dog's name is Keith?

- Yeah. Keith, yeah.
- That's a person's name.

I'm gonna blow
the whistle, though.

Everyone's giving me
weird looks.

- No no no no. No whistle blow.
- Why?

Because those weird looks are
looks of fear and respect.

Those are two looks
you've just never seen before.

Because I took
a dump on the floor?

Because everyone thinks
you're a badass.

- Really?
- Yeah. Do you know what

people are calling you
around the office now?

- No.
- Mad Dog.

People are
calling me Mad Dog?

They say, "Watch out.
Stay away from Mad Dog..."

- Really?
- "...'cause he'll bite your face off

and poop down your throat."

I don't think that's what
I want people to think when they see me.

Well, you clearly have not read any
of Donald Trump's books.

Hey hey. Hey there,
Mad Dog. Looking good.

You want something to eat,
drink? What can I get you?

- Yeah, sure. I'll get a Coke.
- Coke. Coming right up.

- And for me a pina colada.
- You? Who the hell are you?

I'm part of the posse.
Don't ask questions.

Oh, posse.
Okay, coming right up.

Tim, this is awesome.

- Yeah?
- We can do anything. Watch this.

- Hey, old man, give me your pencil.
- Pencil coming right up.

- Here you go.
- See?

- We're running things now.
- We got a free pencil.

You should've started
biting people years ago.

- This is amazing.
- Let's get this meeting started.

I just want to go over
where we left of last week

then review some
of the more recent research findings.

Why don't we review the findings
of you sitting your ass down?

- Uh, excuse me?
- You heard me.

Tim here is
running the show now.

- Oh.
- I'm afraid he's right.

- Why don't you have a seat?
- Okay.

- I got no problem with you, man.
- Let me take over.

Let me review
these documents.

Unacceptable. Incompetent.

I'm just gonna wing it.

I know I have a reputation
around this place,

but listen, I don't want
to run this meeting out of fear.

- Hm-mmm.
- Don't live in fear of me

pulling my pants down

and taking a poop next
to your cubicle.

- I'm not going to do that.
- But he will...

- I might. I might.
...if he needs to.

If I think it's going
to send the right message.

If he needs to just

- fucking show you what's what.
- Don't think I won't.

- Don't think I won't bite you.
- He has done it.

I bit Helen. She's feeling
the pain right now.

- She's paying the price.
- The price was right.

Yeah, I just want
a little respect or...

my mouth will be on your leg.

- Do I make myself clear?
- Hey, everybody.

- Looks who's back. It's Helen.
- Hi, everyone.

- Oh, hi, Tim.
- Hey.

Just had to get a few stitches.

Wait, you two are
on speaking terms?

Why wouldn't
we be on speaking terms?

I don't hold it against Tim.
Tim's a lovely boy.

Yeah, a lovely boy
that bit you.

- Tim bit me? Oh, no.
- Reme... remember?

- A cute little doggy bit me.
- No.

- What?
- You've got mail.

Oh, guys, I've got
to go check AOL Later.

I thought I bit you, Helen.

- No no no.
- Did you lose a lot of blood?

- I think you're not remembering.
- No, the doggy bit me,

and then Tim started
panicking and whimpering.

He was just like a little girl.

"Mommy mommy mommy."
It was just so cute.

You know...
I think you're right.

The dog bit you.
I don't know why I thought I bit you.

That's a...
I've remembered that

very... inaccurately.

- Tim.
- Yeah?

Why on earth would you
take credit for biting Helen?

Um, yeah, I shouldn't
have done that.

- That is just bizarre.
- You can keep calling me Mad Dog.

- We can just stick with that.
- No, we'll go back to Tim the Idiot.

- That sounds better.
- Doesn't instill fear.

Douche-bag Tim. How's that?

No, these are
not good nicknames.

How about
Thumb-in-my-ass Tim?

Yeah, it's like Tim,
but I've got a big thumb up his ass.

Thumb-in-my-ass Tim?

I'd just as soon
not even have a nickname.

Hey, buddy,
anybody sitting here?

No no, help yourself.
I'm Tim by the way.

Oh, no introduction needed,
my friend. I know who you are.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. No, I'm Amy's sister's husband.

You objected at my wedding.

Oh! I've got to apologize for that.

Oh, please don't. Classic.
Are you kidding me?

- I thought it was the joke of the year.
- That's good.

Tell you something, Tim:
We are two lucky guys.

- Yeah? Why's that?
- The ladies in our lives.

You know, that's true.
They're a really nice family.

Mm-hmm.
Just take a look around.

I mean, I mean
every single woman in the family

just has a spectacular ass.

We're in church you realize?

My wife... great ass.

Her mom... smoking butt.

- You realize we're at a baptism?
- Even Aunt Betty.

I mean, she's not
a thin woman by any means...

fat, definitely old...

but she still can work it out.

I never looked
at her that way,

but I cannot argue
with that.

- Hm-mmm.
- She knows how to work it.

Very nice.

Now if we could please
bring young baby Melissa

to the baptizing area...

...and lay her sweet
little head on the cloth.

Okay. I would like
for Amy's sister

to bless this holy water.

Immerse your hands, dear,

then feel free to dry them off
on your clothing.

That's it. We'll wait
until she's done drying.

Very good.

Now since we have a baby girl
in our presence,

I want each woman
in the family to bend over

and pick up a single rose petal
from the floor

- Is this happening?
- That's it, ladies. Don't be shy.

Wow. Holy shit.

Oh my. We appear
to have spilled some holy water.

Would one
of the young women be so kind

as to get down on all fours
and clean up the spill, please?

What kind of baptism is this?

Hey, I know this is
a special moment and all...

- Yeah?
...but can't you just picture

them all naked?

I can. I totally can.

Thank you, ladies.

You may now return
to your seats so we may begin.

So what did you think?

- How did we look up there?
- Oh, you looked so good.

Aunt Betty looked good too.

They all just...
firing on all cylinders.

Well, thank you
so much for coming.

Hope to see you soon.
Oh, Timbo. There he is.

- Hey.
- How's it going, buddy?

- Good. Good baptism.
- It was great, wasn't it?

Bitchen baptism. I haven't seen you
since Amy's sister's wedding.

- Is that right?
- It is right.

I thought you quit...
this job.

Mmm. That's a story.

- Yeah?
- I tried to but the church said

they can't afford
to lose any more priests.

- Really?
- Yeah, so they made me

a sweet counteroffer
my friend.

- The church does that?
- They sure do.

They're a lot like
the Yankees, Tim...

threw the cash at me.

Now I've got a loft in Tribeca

and I'm dating
this redhead named Tina.

And you're...
you're still a priest?

Hell yeah, I'm a priest.
I'm on the payroll, Timmy.

And you're dating a redhead.

- Yeah.
- All right, good for you, I guess.

- Hey, listen, Tim.
- Yeah?

Why don't you come by
my place tomorrow night?

- No.
- I do this thing called

Monday Night Confession

- and you would love it.
- It's like Monday Night Football?

It's not like Monday Night
Football, Tim... it is.

We watch the game,
we pound beers

and then confess at halftime.

- No, you can't...
- Why not?

- I don't understand.
- Most churches don't have you

- pound beers before you...
- Oh boy. Did you become a priest?

- No.
- You need to relax, Tim.

They mention beer in the big book.
It's just like the vino.

- I just don't think they pounded it.
- Yes, they did.

Moses 17:21,
"Ezekiel, son of Zechariah,

pounding a sixer
on the mount of the holies."

Don't you worry about it.
It's in there.

- I'm gonna assume that's not in there.
- So you're coming?

- I'll be there.
- All right.

- Why not?
- Hey, bring a friend.

Are you sure that
that priest lives here?

It is a swanky loft
for a priest.

This is where I picture
Don Johnson living.

Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- You here for the confesh?

Yeah, we're...
the priest lives here, right?

Yeah, he's in
the back. Hon?

Whoa!
Hey there, playas.

Welcome to the love shack.
Take off your shoes,

grab a brew
and be somebody.

This is a lot to take in at once.

- Mm-hmm.
- You going to introduce me, hon?

Oh, sorry, baby.
Sorry, sweet cheeks.

- This is my beautiful girlfriend Tina.
- Yeah, nice to meet you.

- Hey, Tina.
- Tina, the pleasure is mine. I'm Stu.

- Hi, Stu.
- Wow, you guys met in church?

No, we hooked up
at a Corvette dealership in Long Island.

- That's right.
- I was posing on the hood of a car,

heard someone say,
"Holy shit, that girl's hot."

Guilty as charged.

Yeah, you can say I found religion
that day, right, God man?

Well, the rest is history.

- That's a great story.
- Isn't she a dumpling?

- Wow.
- A really nice story.

Maybe I'll become a priest...

corvette, loft and a girlfriend
who chews gum.

- Yeah.
- You want a piece...

- Yeah yeah.
...of gum?

She is naughty.

- I get it.
- Come on, let's confess.

- Nice play.
- Oh, nice.

- Wow.
- Great half. What an impressive game...

- two teams going head to head.
- I love football.

Okay, halftime.
Let's do some confessing.

- Tina, why don't you start?
- Oh! It's always me.

All right.
Um, sins, sins.

So many. Oh, okay.

Last week when you were
out of town on that thing...

I sold all your Bibles...

on eBay

and I used
the money to buy coke.

- Hmm.
- What?

- This is really happening.
- Should we leave?

That is quite a sin, Tina,

but do you see
the error of your ways?

- Yeah.
- Then all is forgiven, baby.

- No.
- Say two "Hail Marys"

and you are good to go,
my little sweet lump.

I need to interject there.
That's a pretty big sin.

We... Tim...

all you need
to do is be honest.

That's all
you need to do. Stu.

- Stuey-ooey.
- Come on, big dude.

- Spill it.
- All right.

I don't know if this is
really a sin or not,

but I was getting baked
in a warehouse last week,

and when I was leaving
I saw that it was on fire.

And I don't know
if it was me, but...

'cause it could've been
the kids in the school next door.

- Stu.
- I saw that on the news.

- There's no school next door.
- That was you?

You think you burned down
a warehouse. That's the sin?

- I think so.
- It's a gray area...

- Thank you.
...because we're not sure

- if you burned the warehouse down.
- No. No.

Just because you're leaving
when it's on fire

doesn't mean anything.
Let's check with the Lord.

- Lord...
- No whammies, no whammies.

...is Stu forgiven?
- Drumroll, please.

- He can't be.
- Sounds like a yes to me.

- Whoo! Yes!
- If you don't hear anything, it's good.

- Off the hook, Stu.
- No "Hail Marys."

That one's on the house.
Give it up high, buddy.

- Thanks, bud.
- I think you're being a bit easy here.

- Tim.
- Yeah?

Keep your nose
out of our business.

There's no judgment here, Tim.

- You can feel free to express yourself.
- All right, all right.

- Who's up?
- Uh, me.

You? Do you have any sins?
You're a priest.

Listen up.
Last Tuesday

I went into
an Oriental massage parlor

and received what is
known as a "handjob,"

then... I ran out without paying.

- And that's that.
- I did not expect to hear that.

- No.
- Okey-dokey. I'm going to give myself

eight "Hail Marys"
and a big gold bucket of nothing else.

- I'm off the hook, clean slate.
- What?

- Eight?
- That's it.

- Eight is not a lot.
- It's more than seven.

- You got a handjob and ran away.
- It doesn't matter.

I confessed.
I have a clean slate.

I don't think
it works like that.

I don't think you know
what you're talking about,

because I'm a priest
and you're not.

- It's your turn, Tim.
- Honestly, I don't...

I don't have anything that's
on a par with your guys' things.

- I think I'm out of my league.
- Really, Tim?

Try us, Tim. No one's
passing judgment on your stories.

Whatever you've got,
it's gonna be okay.

Get it off your chest.

All right, this is a little silly.
I guess it counts.

The other day...

I jerked off
in the bathroom.

- Oh. That's fine.
- That's understandable.

- That's good.
- That's a good one.

Good to jerk off
every once in a while, Tim.

- Gotta relieve the pressure, you know?
- Absolutely, Tina.

That's good.
It's actually a funny story.

It was after
your baptism there.

- It...
- I'm so... I'm sorry?

Yeah, that's when...
when it happened.

I went in the lobby bathroom.

- The lobby at a church?
- Oh my God.

- Just the lobby.
- In church?

- No.
- No?

- In front of Christ?
- It was a public restroom.

Public restroom in church, Tim.

Why do you keep saying
the word "church"?

Because it was in church
in which you jerked off.

The bathroom lobby does
not count as church.

You're making it sound like
I did something weird.

- The lobby isn't part of the church?
- No, it's the lobby.

There's a giant crucifix
right in the lobby.

- I think I'm going to vomit.
- "Welcome to Church."

- That's what the sign says.
- No no no.

- There was no stained glass.
- "No stained glass"?

Where I come from, if there's
no stained glass, you're home free.

Honey, take my gum.
I think I'm going to be sick.

Tim, you need to fix this.

- Yeah?
- Who was in your thoughts

as you performed
this unspeakable act?

It was, um... Amy's mom...

- Oh Lord.
...Amy's grandmother...

- God help me.
- Wow.

...Amy's... a couple of aunts...

- Sweet merciful Jesus.
...and one or two of the cousins.

This just keeps
getting worse and worse.

- All of the women in the church.
- Just stop.

- Stop.
- I'm actually impressed now,

'cause this is now
the sin of all sins.

- Stop saying that.
- The whole family was involved.

Well, we need to go to the family
right now and come clean.

- No, that's not gonna happen.
- Oh, it has to happen, Tim.

This will never be spoken of
outside of the safe area here.

No, it will be spoken from the heights
and from the tops of buildings...

"Tim jerked off in church."

I don't want you going
to hell over this, Tim.

Hell? What am I missing here?

You got a handjob
and ran away without paying.

- Not in church, Tim.
- Not in church?

No, at a designated
handjob area.

And that makes it okay? Great.

Listen. I'm willing to support you
in this and go with you.

We'll get through this
together as a group...

the three of us,
the three amigos.

- What do you say?
- I think I can be most supportive by

- staying here and drinking your beer.
- Okay, that's fine.

Come on, Tim, let's hit the road.

Oh, hey, Tim.

- Hey, Amy.
- Hi. What are you doing here?

I just wanted to see
your family off before they fly back.

Oh, that's sweet of you.

Come on in.
Hey, everyone, Tim's here.

- Hi, Tim.
- Hey, Tim.

Nice to see everyone.
And the priest came with me.

- The priest?
- The priest is with me.

Hello.

Listen, everyone,
I'm sorry to interrupt.

I know you have an early flight,
but Tim has something special to say

and he wants to share it with Amy
and all the members of Amy's family,

as well as his clergyman.

With that I'Il... well, I'll give
the floor to you, Tim.

Tim. Is this what I think it is?

Oh, my baby! Oh!

- Are you proposing?
- I need a hanky.

Let's not get ahead
of ourselves.

Go ahead.
Pretend we're not even here.

Um, let me just begin by saying

that all of you women
in this room

have abnormally
attractive rear ends.

- That didn't go so well.
- No. No, it did not.

Well, I'll tell you what, Tim:

Hopefully through all of this
you've learned a lesson.

I guess the only lesson is...

you have to confess
even if it's really difficult.

- No.
- No?

I wouldn't say
that's the lesson.

- What is it?
- I'd say the lesson is:

Don't ever tell
a group of women

- that you jerked off to them in church.
- That too.

Not something
they want to hear, Tim.

Not something
they want to hear.