The Life & Times of Tim (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 3 - Senior Prom/Tim Fights an Old Man - full transcript

Oh, Amy,
this is gonna be fun.

- I think so.
- A nice quiet night together.

- Yeah, it's gonna be good.
- Movie night.

- Uh, sir?
- Yeah?

Um, you have some
late charges here

on the movie
"Whores on the Loose."

- What?
- No no. No no no.

- Stop right there.
- Tim!

- I did not rent that.
- You sure did.

You've had it out for 56 days.

- Tim!
- That's crazy.



- I can't even afford that.
- I can't believe this.

No, what's the plot?
What happens?

Okay, a bunch of whores
go into a dance club

and whore it up all night long.

That's the plot?
That's not even a good storyline.

- I'm leaving.
- You're leaving?

- Yeah, forget it.
- It's movie night.

Tim, have fun with the whores.

It's movie night.

Ooh. Actually, sir,
you were right.

It was "The Notebook"
that was late.

- Not "Whores on the Loose."
- Nope. "The Notebook."

My bad.

- Oh, Stu?
- Yeah?



- I got problems.
- Really?

I need to impress
Amy somehow.

- Okay.
- She thinks I'm a screw-up.

That's a fair assessment.

- What's that?
- Don't listen to me.

Ask for a promotion.

- A promotion?
- Yeah.

- You think he'll give it to me?
- Yeah.

Just storm in there
and lay down the law.

- Storm in?
- Mm-hmm.

I don't storm in anywhere.

- Okay, I have a solution.
- Yeah?

Walk in there nervously
and lay down the law

in a stuttering,
insecure manner.

I can handle that.

That's more my speed.

So I hate to just storm in here

and lay down the law like this...

- Mm-hmm?
...but there's no two ways about it.

I'm... I'm due for a promotion
and I'm here to claim it.

I'm sorry.
How did you get in here?

- How did I get in?
- Who on earth are you?

- I'm Tim.
- Tim.

- Timothy.
- Yeah.

Terrible name.
Very weak weak.

It implies a weak will.

Have you considered
changing it?

How does "Keith" strike you?

- Keith?
- I have a daschund named Keith.

- What?
- It would make things very easy for me

if your name was also Keith.

I don't want to change
my name to Keith.

That's... my license
I've gotta change...

All right, all right, but listen,
I'm gonna give you this promotion.

That's amazing.
I got the promotion.

Done. I just need you
to do me one small little favor.

- Anything.
- Tomorrow night,

you will accompany my daughter
to her senior prom.

- Prom?
- Golden years.

That sounds like fun,
but I can't go to a prom.

- Some punk canceled on her...
- No.

...and she's been bawling and weeping
in the bathroom ever since.

I'm sorry to hear that,
but my girlfriend...

she doesn't like me
doing things with teenage girls

- in general...
- Really?

...dancing with them or...
- Listen,

just go to the prom,
you get your promotion.

That's the way
the business world works.

- Come on, Keith!
- All right, if that's the way

- the business world works.
- Good boy.

Tim, why are you all dressed up?

- I got great news.
- Tell me.

My boss invited me
to a black-tie function.

Yeah, right.

I am going to
a black-tie function at work.

- You're lying.
- I'm lying? No. I'm up for a promotion.

And after they asked me,
they said,

"Why don't you come
to this black-tie function tonight?"

Why do you keep saying
"black-tie function"?

- That's what it is.
- What does that even mean?

I can't get into the details
of corporate events...

- Why?
...with loved ones at home.

- What is it, a dinner?
- It's a black-tie function.

Okay, well,
whatever it is, congratulations.

- Thank you.
- But why are you carrying a corsage?

You don't do that
at business dinners?

- No...
- You don't pin a corsage on your boss?

- No, you don't.
- I'm gonna bring it just in case.

Ah, finally a meeting
of the two Keiths.

No, I'm Tim, remember?

- I thought...
- Remember, I didn't switch it.

- I thought you did.
- I'm still Tim.

Hmm. So anyway,
you horny son of a bitch,

the ground rule
for tonight is this...

it's simple:
Don't touch my daughter.

- That's it.
- Don't hug her, don't shake her hand,

don't dance any closer
than three feet away, you understand?

Those are all subsets
of the same rule?

Don't touch my daughter.

- Hi, I'm Crystal.
- Oh, hey.

- You must be Tim.
- I am.

- I got you this.
- Oh, a corsage.

- That's so sweet.
- If you'll allow me...

Okay.

- Ow, that's my boob.
- Whoops whoops, no touching.

Ouch.
That's my boob again.

- No touching. Hold on.
- Timothy...

Let me get around back.
Let me do it from back here.

That is not my boob.
That's my ass.

What is it?
No, I'm just trying to gain my footing.

- Timothy!
- One second.

- Forget the corsage.
- All right, no touching.

Keith?

Oh, Tim, have you ever seen
"Girls Gone Wild"?

- Uh, no.
- I'm in four of them!

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'm in "Girls Gone Wild:
High School,"

"Girls Gone Wild:
Spring Break,"

"Girls Gone Wild
on the D-Train,"

and "Girls Gone Wild
in Front of the Post Office."

- That one just came out.
- Really?

You should look for it
around Christmas.

I will.
Your dad knows about this?

Oh yeah,
he totally supports it.

No! Duh!

So, Tim, I know that you like
work with my dad and all,

but I just think
you're totally hot.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Nice.
- I mean,

that cute little way
you stutter and everything...

- Really?
...it, like, totally makes me horny.

Stuttering makes you horny?

- It just does.
- Wow, that's... that's easy.

Um, listen, you're...
you're a great girl,

and I'm... I'm glad
I'm making you horny,

I really am,

but nothing can happen
tonight, you know?

I promised your dad
I'd watch after you.

And I have a girlfriend,

who I've gotta say
I think she's the one.

Oh my God,
we are totally dancing!

Hold on a second.
I gotta take this.

- Amy, is that you?
- Hi! Hey, Tim,

I just want to see
how it's going.

- It's going good.
- Oh good.

Pretty straightforward
black-tie corporate function.

Well, that music's
kind of loud, isn't it?

It's the corporate theme.

- Oh.
- They're just getting ready

- to do a PowerPoint presentation.
- Ah, okay.

Let's slam some tequila, brother!

Whoo-hoo, yeah!
South of the border!

- Whoa, what was that?
- That's the CEO.

Whip out your sombrero!
Let's tie one on, chief!

Who's he...
is he talking to you?

He was pretty pleased
with the quarterly results.

Ah. Okay, well...

have fun.

Okay, come on, Tim, get into it.

I'm not allowed to touch you.

- I have to stay three feet away.
- Come on!

Just spank my butt rap-video style.

Your dad is not into
rap-video style.

Don't be such a lame date.
Spank me!

I guess I have no choice.

Ouch!

What? What happened?

- Hey! Hey, you!
- Me?

- Old guy, yeah!
- Me?

- You spanked that girl!
- Yeah, that was an agreement we had.

- She requested it.
- I didn't mean a real spank, you loser!

I meant a fun,
you know... ooh ooh...

dance-floor spank!

I don't even know
what that means.

Not cool, Jumpstreet.
What are you, some kind of rat?

Hold that fucker down, man.
I'll get the principal.

All right, you, Timbo,
phone number now.

- I'm calling your parents.
- No no.

- What do you mean no?
- My parents live in Italy.

Italy? Shut up.
This is a prom.

It's not an orgy, son.

I'm aware that
I'm not at an orgy.

- Zip it.
- That much I know.

Crystal, how are you doing?

- He got me pretty good.
- Of course he got you good.

Look at the mitts
on this creep.

So, yeah, Tim's finally
getting promoted.

- Isn't that great?
- Oh, that's wonderful news, sweetheart.

- Good for him.
- Yeah, I'm really proud of him.

Oh, you should have seen it. He looked
so cute in his tuxedo when he left.

Hold on, Mom.

Let me grab this other call.

Hi, this is Principal McCreevy

You've got to come down
to the prom and pick up your son.

- My son?
- Your son.

I think you have
the wrong number.

You think... your son Timothy,
he's here at the prom.

Caught him spanking a young girl...
her ass looks like a tomato.

- Oh, that son Timothy.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, why don't you
send him home?

False alarm, Mom.
No promotion for Tim.

I figured as much.

- Okay, let me get this straight.
- Yeah?

Instead of attending
the business dinner

you told me you were going to,
you went to a high-school prom?

No, I told you
I was going to a black-tie function.

I delivered on that promise.

Tim, you went to a prom
with an 18-year-old girl

and you spanked her so hard
she can hardly walk.

The spank got away from me.

- And you got sent home!
- Yeah.

They send you home
once you spank someone.

I've learned that lesson.
Listen, Amy,

- I did it for you.
- For me.

- All of this.
- Thank you, Tim.

- I really appreciate it.
- Don't mention it.

I wanted the promotion.
I was gonna spank my way to the top.

That's all I'm trying
to do here.

You know, I don't ever want
to talk about this again.

I like that plan.

I like that a lot.

- What a day.
- Mm-hmm.

- Any big plans tonight?
- Nothing.

- How about you?
- Yeah, I'm actually having dinner

- with Amy and her friends.
- Well, let's see,

I've got my MetroCard.
I've got...

no seats available...
that's typical.

Man, I feel bad
for that old guy.

Why don't you
give him your seat?

You know, I might just do that.

- Excuse me, sir?
- Hello.

I couldn't help but notice
you looking for a seat,

and I'd like
to offer you mine.

What the hell
is that supposed to mean?

What does it mean?
Are you not understanding me?

I was offering you my seat.
You can sit, sir.

Do you think I'm some kind
of feeble old man?

- Oh, no.
- Is that what's spinning

in your skull right now?

Oh no, I was just being nice.

I swim 10 laps every day.

I can do push-ups
with my John Thomas.

- Did you know that?
- What's a John Thomas?

- I think it's a penis.
- No, that's not possible.

No, it's very possible.
I've seen it on YouTube.

- No, that's too much weight.
- You've got some nerve,

you condescending
son of a bitch!

I didn't mean
to offend you. I'm sorry.

- Well, too late, pal.
- Too late.

Yeah, sit down, you dick!

What? What's going on here?
I was being nice.

Just leave
the guy alone, dude.

This is not the reaction
I was expecting.

- It offends the hell out of me.
- Why don't we just drop it?

The only thing
I want to drop is you.

- You want to drop me.
- I want to fight you.

- You want to fight me.
- I want to fight you.

- Come on, mano y mano, dude!
- I'm not fighting anybody.

Everyone, relax.
What was that?

You just got bitch-slapped.

I'm not fighting you.

You can slap me all day,
I'm not gonna fight an elderly... stop.

How does this happen? Stop.

Ouchie!

You know what?
Now we're fighting.

- Good.
- All right.

You pick the place.
Hell, I'll pick it for you.

Gleason's Gym in Brooklyn,
you chickenshit.

Ah... okay.
He's not stopping.

Stop. Stop slapping.

So I spent the summer
in Slovakia

helping to build
a school in a town

where no real education
system existed before.

- Wow.
- The look on those kids' faces,

it's just hard to put into words.

That's amazing.

Oh, honey, tell them
what you're doing with the animals.

- Oh, um...
- You wanna order something?

Well, now that you've asked,

I work with an animal shelter
for ferrets and gerbils.

I drive them up
to Westchester each weekend

and I'll let them run free.

You know, the looks on their
little faces when I turn them loose,

they're... now I'm doing it...

- they're just so happy.
- That's incredible.

I mean, I don't know how
you find the time for all of this.

Well, Amy, you know,
you just make the time.

- That's right, sweetie.
- You just make the time.

Well, enough about me.

Tim, do you do
any charity work?

Not a lot.
I'm just too busy.

Well, why don't you
join me Friday night?

Come to the animal shelter.

- I, uh...
- We'll bake treats for the gerbils.

- No, Friday's bad for me.
- Aw, why?

Yeah, what are you
so busy with on Friday?

I'm boxing an old man.

Oh, that was a fun dinner.

You're boxing an old man.

- Uh...
- What is wrong with you, Tim?

- That's a good question.
- You and George are the same age,

and he's out there making
a difference in the world.

Hey, at least
I'm out there fighting.

It's not like I'm sitting
at home on the couch.

That was so embarrassing.
George does all these things.

- No.
- He gives so much.

- You don't do anything.
- He gives too much.

When you're flying to Slovakia,
I think you've got a problem.

I just think you have
some serious soul-searching to do.

All right, I'll go down
and I'll cancel the fight

and soul-searching...

soul-searching might have
to wait till the weekend.

Hey, Stu,
thanks for coming down,

but I decided
to forfeit the fight.

What possible reason
do you have

to not want to fight
an old man

in a weird old gym

with old men
all over the place?

I get it.
I guess I understand.

Yeah, Amy's mad at me. She wants me
to start doing more charity work.

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

- I'm Henry's daughter.
- Oh.

- Are you the young man from the bus?
- I am.

Listen, there's no way
I'm fighting your father.

I just came to forfeit
and apologize to him

- in case I hurt his feelings.
- Oh.

I just want this to go away.

Please, please don't do that.

- Please don't forfeit?
- It makes him feel young again.

Won't you fight him, please?

I can't fight an elderly...

Look, just take a dive
and let him win.

- Take a dive.
- Yeah.

This'll be his last hurrah.

You can look at it as charity work.

It is like charity work, I guess.

- Right?
- Yeah, it's a lot like charity work,

but instead of building a bridge

in a needy village,

you're gonna break the bridge
of an old man's nose.

- You look fantastic, champ.
- The glory days.

- You're gonna take him, I can feel it.
- Back to the glory days.

Just remember we'll be
with you every swing.

I gotta say this
actually feels nice.

- Mm-hmm.
- I can see why people volunteer.

Let's make it
real fun for him.

If he used to be a boxer,
then he probably loves to trash talk.

- I'm not gonna trash talk.
- Come on, Timbo.

Step it up.
This guy's having the time of his life

and yelling vulgar obscenities
is the only way to top it.

What would I say?

"I'm gonna knock
you out real good"?

Wow, you're like Hemmingway.

You've got to really lay into him

- if you want to make it seem realistic.
- Okay.

You say to him, "Hey, old man,
I'm gonna knock you out.

And when I'm done with this, I'm gonna
go home and hump your wife from behind

- like a rabid dog."
- You think stuff like that

- would help him enjoy it?
- I think he'll have a great time

when he hears
that kind of stuff.

Okay, gentlemen,
I want a good clean fight.

- Understood?
- Understood.

Oh, I'll keep it clean

by mopping the floor
with this old man's ass.

- How's that sound?
- Excuse me?

Let's get it on!

I am here to kill
an old man.

- Good.
- That is my goal for the evening.

Tell him you want to cut off
his skin and wear it as a coat.

I'm gonna cut off your skin
and wear it as a coat.

What an awful thing to say.

Oh, I'm gonna pound your face
until you shit your pants.

- Good.
- Who knows?

I might just go hump your wife
afterwards back at the condo...

- What?
...after I knock the shit out of you.

So you're gonna pound me

until there's shit
all over the floor...

- Exactly.
...then go violate my wife?

I will be humping
your wife within the hour.

- Oh my God!
- I'm gonna go into your cabinet

and switch your
medications with my fist.

Don't you dare touch
my medication.

- I'm gonna switch 'em.
- Don't you dare!

- I'm gonna switch 'em.
- You're out of your mind!

- I can't breathe.
- You ever feel a fist down your throat?

I can't breathe...

- What happened?
- Down goes the old man!

You sick bastard!

What?

- Get out of the ring!
- One, two, three...

I never hit him.

...eight, nine...
- It's only charity if I lose.

...10!
We have a winner,

- and his name is Tim!
- No no.

- Don't hold my hand up.
- Tim!

- Tim!
- Please stop doing that.

You monster!

Good news, gentlemen.

- Yeah?
- He is eating solid foods

- and he knows exactly where he is.
- Nice.

Now could you help me out
and tell me what happened here?

- What happened?
- Mm-hmm.

Um, we were
at a charity event...

- Okay.
...and there was a mishap,

- a minor mishap.
- Charity mishap.

- That's kind of broad.
- What sort of mishap...

Let me just clarify.
Tim got in a fight with an old man,

- and threatened to hump his wife.
- No.

And then he also said
he was gonna beat him

until he lost control
of his bowels

and crapped on himself.

- I see.
- Just put down "charity event mishap."

That sums it up, no?

Could you wait here
for one minute?

I have some paperwork
for you to fill out.

Amy is so gonna
find out about this.

- How would she find out?
- She always finds out.

- Hey, Tim?
- See?

- Hey!
- Hey, George.

- Hi!
- Why are you possibly here?

Well, I finished up
early with the gerbils,

so I thought I'd come down
and help out with some retarded kids.

- You don't say.
- I help mentally-challenged children

set up their own MySpace pages.

Incredibly thoughtful.

You should see the looks
on their faces when they log in.

I can only imagine
how rewarding it is.

- What are you doing here?
- Uh, same thing actually.

- Charity work.
- Charity work.

Your words inspired me
to get involved.

- Oh really?
- Yeah yeah. Elderly.

- Aw, that's terrific.
- Yeah, giving back.

Okay, son, if you could
just fill this form out for us?

Explain exactly how and why
you were fighting an elderly man.

It'll just save some time for us
when the police get here.

So before you say anything,

I just want to thank you
and your friend George

for getting me
into the world of charity.

Tim, what happened
to forfeiting the fight?

What are you
talking about?

We never fought.
He had the heart attack

before any...
before I landed any punches.

Tim, I just read
the police report.

- Yeah?
- "Hey, old man, you're gonna shit

your pants after I open this
can of whupass on you."

- No.
- What is that?

- I don't know. I didn't say that.
- It's in the report, Tim.

- Who talks like that?
- Saying you were gonna fuck his wife?

That's awful,
hearing it back out of context.

- What kind of charity is that?
- It's not a great one.

It's not exactly
Meals on Wheels.