The Life & Times of Tim (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 2 - Latino Tim/The Priest Is Drunk - full transcript

Ah. Timothy, come on in.

- Hey, boss.
- I have a small favor to ask of you.

- Okay.
- If the firm ever gets audited,

if you ever find yourself
under direct interrogation

- by a government official...
- Yeah?

...I need you...
- I don't like where this is going.

I need you to say your name is

- Tim Sanchez and that...
- What?

- And you are the VP
of North American Sales.

- That's a small favor?
- Tim Sanchez.

- Why would I say that?
- These watchdog groups are saying



we don't have enough minorities
in upper management.

Yeah, but I'm not Hispanic
in any way.

- You realize that, right?
- Listen. It's just a technicality.

- Yeah.
- It's paperwork for the books.

If that's all it is,
what do I actually do?

You just sit there,
you look Mexican.

- And then I go home.
- And you continue to look Mexican.

It sounds easy,
but I don't picture this ending well.

Thanks for the chat, Tim.

- Amy?
- Yeah?

It's the day we've been waiting for.

- How so?
- I got the promotion...

- Tim.
...big time.

Come on, you tell me
that all the time



- and then it just never works out.
- Amy, you ready for this?

You're looking at the VP

of North American Sales
at Omnicorp.

From assistant to VP of Sales?

Straight... straight to
the North American VP.

- Why you?
- They like my look.

- Your look?
- They singled me out from the crowd

and said, "That guy,
let's fast-track him to the top."

Well, I mean, then we need
to celebrate, right?

Let's go out. I'll take you out.
Money's no object.

Oh, how about
that cute little French place?

How about
any Mexican place?

All the executives eat Mexican.
That's what I'm learning.

Oh, is that
my new Hispanic VP

of North American Sales

- with his feet up on the desk?
- Hey, boss.

Doing one heck of a job,
Tim, I have to say.

- I am.
- Great job in your new position.

- I'm not doing anything, but...
- Yeah, but you really...

you look very Mexican.
Keep up the good work.

- I'Il... I'll do my best.
- We want some publicity out of this...

- Okay.
- So we need you to attend a dinner...

- No.
- Yes... for the Newly-Appointed

Minority Business Leaders
of America.

- Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah!
- Yeah, um...

So you just sit in a crowd,
they'll say your name

- and you'll just wave.
- I'll just wave.

Yeah, just wave
and look vaguely Latino.

- This is a very easy job.
- It's perfect for you.

Well, welcome everybody.

Um, first order of business:

We're sticking with NAMBLA.
Just letting you know.

Well, we spent
quite a bit of money in letterhead,

so we're just...
we're backing that play for right now.

But basically, we're here
to applaud Omnicorp

for not only promoting
an African-American

as it's CEO,

but for now promoting
a Latino

as its VP of Sales.

Let's get a little applause.
That's what I'm talking about.

That's it. Just keep
with the Mexican waving.

That's good.
You're doing great, Tim.

Yeah! Now let's see if we can get
Tim up here to say a few words.

Oh, no, I prefer to just wave.

Get up here,
you Hispanic son of a bitch.

- No.
- Tim, up here on the stage!

You know, I'd love to,
but I do not habla ingles.

- Okay.
- I do not speak your language.

- No problem. No problem.
- No problem?

We can get a translator up here.

- No.
- Do you speak Spanish?

Um, a little.
Enough to get through

- an inspirational speech probably.
- Tremendous.

Give it up
for Timothy Sanchez.

Hola. Hola.
Hola. Hola.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Three questions I want.

Where is the bathroom?

The bathroom is good.

Chicken and rice.

- Gracias.
- Thank you.

- Hola.
- Hi.

All right, people, huddle up.

We're in disaster mode here.

No one believes Tim is Hispanic.

- I can't believe it.
- This is a PR nightmare.

Okay, ideas.
What do we do?

Well, Omnicorp could admit blame

- and issue a formal apology.
- You're... you're fired.

- Awful idea. Next.
- I think I've got an idea.

- Go.
- He forged his work visa, this "Tim."

- Hmm.
- He lied to all of us and the firm,

and Omnicorp is absolutely shocked
and appalled by this news

and then just have
the son of a bitch deported.

- I love it.
- No.

I did not think we'd find
a solution this quickly.

Let's fast-track that idea.

Somebody call Immigration now.

Tim, call Immigration.

I'd rather not.
Let's keep thinking.

Tim, the deporting idea
is great.

- No.
- We ship you back to Mexico.

The whole thing blows over.
We can order lunch.

It's a win-win for everyone.

No, it's win-Iose. I lose.

- We win.
- Yeah, let's just hear everyone out.

- I think we've heard it all.
- Let's throw it all out. What's...

- There are no more ideas.
- Charlie?

- I have an idea.
- Oh, boy.

- Let him talk.
- Okay, just listen to this.

- He's got ideas.
- Yeah.

- Nobody's stopping him.
- I suppose we could, umm...

- work our media connections...
- That's great.

...and we could send him
on a cable news show,

put a Latino wife by his side

and that should
convince most people.

- That's good.
- That could work.

- Tim...
- Yeah?

...can you find
a fake Latino wife

- by tomorrow night?
- Can I?

I can find one or my name
is not Tim Sanchez.

Your name is
not Tim Sanchez.

Here goes nothing.

Maria? Hi, it's Tim.

We went to junior high together.

This is going to sound
like a slightly strange request,

but I'm going on
a talk show tomorrow night

and I need someone to pose
as my fake Latino wife.

Maria?

This is surprisingly difficult.

- If it isn't my favorite customer.
- Oh, Debbie.

- Hello.
- What are you doing here?

- Well, I'm working.
- Really?

- This is my street.
- This is my street too.

- I work where you live.
- That's true.

Do these pants reveal
enough of my rear end?

I'm going to say yes.

- Ooh, that sounds good.
- I can see the whole thing.

- Really?
- 90%.

Moon's coming up
and everything?

Yeah, that's more
than enough.

Oh, hey, what ethnicity are you?

- I'm a lot of things.
- Yeah?

I'm black and white...

and I'm from New Jersey...
Secaucus.

- Okay.
- And also...

Secaucus is not an ethnicity,
but you know what?

My question is,
can you pass for Hispanic?

Oh, many people tell me
I look like J Lo.

- That's Jennifer Lopez.
- I can see that.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm going on a talk show tomorrow

and I just need
a fake Latino wife.

- Oh, do you want me?
- You'll be the fake Latino wife.

- Oh, my goodness!
- That's great, right?

- Oh, I'd love to go, Tim.
- Nice.

Do you have something
appropriate you can wear?

Oh yes. I'll just wear
my business suit.

- Here it is.
- That's the... that's the business suit?

- Oh, I love it.
- It's assless.

- Yes, it has no ass.
- I wish it did, to be perfectly honest.

Oh, I thought that was
the best part. Surprise.

It's a nice surprise.
I just don't think

we can go on the show like this.

Okey-doke.
Mr. And Mrs. Sanchez,

we are ready
for your segment. It is go time.

- Oh oh oh! Let's go.
- It's go time.

Big smiles. Big smiles.

Welcome back to
"Donny Deutsch and the Big Idea."

I'm here with Tim Sanchez.

You're one of the most successful

and influential Latino businessmen

in corporate America.
What is your secret, Tim?

Well, Donny,
as you may have heard

my English is
not very strong...

and my Spanish is
not strong either.

- Wow.
- I don't speak either language

- particularly well.
- That's the secret to success?

I'm a simple man
from the hills of Mexico,

and I just hopped the fence

and ran up to New York.

- Okay.
- Now I'm the VP of Sales...

- For a Fortune 500 company.
...at a major corporation.

- Wow.
- I'd have to say the real reason

for my success is this woman,

my Hispanic wife right here.

- Hello.
- We met in a...

- In a cantina.
...in a cantina.

- Good memories.
- Mrs. Sanchez.

Hello.

Any thoughts
on your husband's success?

Well, it's like they say:

Behind every great man is
a great woman.

- Oh, that is so true, Mrs. Sanchez.
- They do say that.

And Donny,
behind every great woman

- is a great behind. Check this out.
- Oh.

- Oops.
- That's a big idea.

We're gonna...
we're gonna go to a break.

It looks like I'm smuggling midgets.
Go ahead, Donny, slap it.

- I'd rather not.
- He doesn't want to slap it.

We'll be right back on
"Donny Deutsch and the Big Idea."

- Go ahead, slap it. Whoo!
- Please put that away, Mrs. Sanchez.

- Tim.
- Hey.

Yeah, hey. We saw
your performance last night.

- What did you think?
- "Donny Deutsch" has been canceled.

- They canceled the show?
- The FCC came down extremely hard.

- Why, because of the ass?
- What do you think?

I told her. Yeah.
I was kind of surprised she wore that.

Well, the irony is
it worked out for us.

Your wife was a huge hit.

- Really?
- Go ahead, research guy.

Well, let me lay it out this way.

Hispanic women love her.

We've never had
a market share like that.

- Really?
- Yeah!

Just because
of the naked ass?

Yes, we're just doing
cartwheels here.

- Right. And you, Tim...
- Wow.

- You have become
a tremendous role model.

- A role model?
- A role model for kids who can't speak

English and have no desire
to learn the language.

You have shown them how
to reach for their dreams.

That's great.
That's really worked out.

I'm still the VP
of North American Sales.

No, we're promoting
you again.

- This is amazing.
- You're the VP of International Sales.

That's crazy.
What... am I even qualified?

- What do I do day to day in that role?
- Qualified.

You are qualified right now

just by being
the Mexican beauty you are.

I just keep doing that
for the indefinite future?

And you'll do well at this firm.

Tim, I want to make a toast.

- Okay.
- Two promotions in two days.

- Crazy.
- It's... it's amazing.

The VP of International Sales.
Who would've guessed?

- I'm really proud of you.
- Thank you very much. This is...

Mr. Sanchez?

- Mr. Tim Sanchez?
- What?

- No. No.
- Tim. Tim Sanchez.

- No, keep moving.
- Yes.

I think you have the wrong...

- We saw you on TV...
- Oh, yes.

...with your lovely wife.
- Oh, that wife.

- What?
- So who is this whore?

- This whore?
- I'm his girlfriend.

- No, you a filthy whore.
- No, she's not filthy.

- Tim, what's going on?
- We saw the wife.

- You are white girl.
- This is an outrage.

As soon as you succeed,

- you take up a dirty white mistress.
- Typical.

- I spit on you.
- No.

Tim!

- What happened here?
- I spit on her again, yes?

- Yes.
- No!

- I'm going to be sick.
- I should interject at this point.

You think?

I will send this photo
to the newspapers

and show
the true Tim Sanchez.

- Okay.
- You disgust me.

- I'm sorry.
- And you, you should be ashamed.

- Tim Sanchez?
- You know what, Amy?

Let's just forget
that even happened.

- Yeah, not gonna happen.
- Let's enjoy our meal.

No, I'm done.

Wow. It's not easy being

a successful Latino
businessman these days,

- you know?
- Tell me something I don't know, man.

So, Timothy, how are you connected
to this whole shindig here?

- This shindig? The wedding?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I'm Amy's boyfriend.
Her sister's the bride.

Oh. Oh, that's wonderful.

- It's nice.
- That's fantastic.

- Yeah.
- Listen, Tim.

I'm a very unconventional priest.

- Really?
- I like to have a little fun

with the ceremony,
is all I'm saying.

- Fun?
- Just a little joke, maybe.

Okay, where you
going with that?

When I ask if there
are any objections,

all right, I want you to stand
and I want you to shout...

- I don't like where this is going.
- You're gonna love it.

I want you to stand
and I want you to shout

"Hells yeah, I object.
That woman is my biatch."

Excuse me?

- You'd call her a biatch.
- No.

- Why not?
- I wouldn't call her that

on a non-wedding day.

- Well, it's funny.
- No, that's not.

- It would get a big laugh, Tim.
- Amy won't laugh.

- You don't think?
- I can promise you that.

- I'll tell you who will laugh, Tim.
- Who's that?

- The Lord.
- The Lord?

- Make the Lord laugh.
- I don't want to make Him laugh today.

- Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do.
- Not today.

- He's not in the mood.
- He'll get a big kick out of it, Tim.

Trust me. He'll be pissing
in His Lord pants

- right up there on His throne.
- You think?

He might.
He might crap.

- You are a modern priest.
- I really am.

And so I ask,
does anyone here object

to the holy union of these
two children of God

as they stand before us
proclaiming their love?

I do.

What's this? Tim?

Uh, hells yeah,

l... I object.

That, uh, woman's my biatch.

My... I forget the line.

Wow. I'm gonna sit.

You thought it would get a laugh?

I had my doubts.

The priest...
it was his comedy.

Tim, now my parents
have met you twice.

First time,

- prostitute in our apartment.
- Yeah.

Now you object to
their daughter's wedding?

I'm not batting 1,000.
I'll admit to that.

There he is.
There's the comedian.

Listen. Can I just apologize?

Mm-hmm,
Jimmy Durante himself.

- Who?
- Mr. Alan King in the flesh.

I don't know these references.

I get the gist of where
you're going with it.

- I know it's a put-down.
- I'm watching you.

I just don't know
who Alan King is.

I'm gonna have
the lightest beer you have.

And Father,
you don't drink, do you?

Me? No. No, son, I don't allow
Satan's juice to pass my lips.

- That's smart.
- But what the hey!

Get me a Johnny Walker Black
on the rocks

with a double
Johnny Walker Blue on the side,

and don't skimp
on the Johnny.

You're gonna try the Johnny.

- You know, Tim, I like you.
- Yeah? That's good.

- You're a funny guy.
- Thanks.

Nice girlfriend. Looks so sexy
in that little bridesmaid's outfit.

- What?
- Look at her work that fanny.

- A gift from God.
- Excuse me?

What does a woman's body
feel like, Tim?

- Is it soft?
- Yeah, it's pretty soft.

- Mmm.
- This is a weird conversation.

- You feel like it's weird?
- A little bit.

I'm just saying that
I envy you, Tim. That's all.

- You envy me?
- I want your life.

No. Your joke has me
in big trouble.

- With who?
- With everybody at the wedding.

- Oh, relax, Tim.
- Amy's parents.

No, I'll put in
a good word for you, Tim.

- You'll put in a good word?
- Absolutely.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- You saved the day.
- Mm-mmm-mmm.

- That fanny just doesn't quit, does it?
- It really doesn't.

Mmm.

Listen, I know
you're upset with me,

but the priest wants to just have
a little sit-down with you.

- With me?
- A little one on one.

He wants to vouch
for my character

and tell you
what a good guy I am.

Well, Timothy,
I'm a fair man.

I look forward
to what he has to say.

Great. Let me know
how it goes.

Okay, party people,
listen up.

- That's not good.
- I want to say a few words right now.

Not about the newlyweds...
blah blah blah...

but about
my new buddy... Timbo.

Timarino.
Tim-a-lim-a-ding-dong.

Come on, Tim, you know
who you are. Stand up.

Okay, so Tim told
an off-color joke.

What's the big whoop?

He's an upstanding man.

Over at the bar,
Tim was teaching me

to drink
a Johnny Walker Black.

I believe it's a whiskey.

He explained what it feels like
to touch a woman

who's wearing no clothes,

and I'll be damned
if that doesn't sound like some fun.

Boobs in your hand.
Naked boobs.

Anyway, long story short...

I'm leaving
the priesthood, pronto!

Thank you, Tim,
for showing me the way

and the light and the truth.
I love you, Tim.

- What have you done?
- Oh, and real quick...

since I quit
the priesthood today,

the wedding technically
doesn't count.

My bad.

- Tim.
- Yeah?

My parents are furious.

- What?
- My sister's in tears.

- This is a mess.
- Why, because the priest quit his job?

He's drunk. Look at him.

I can't control
his drinking habits.

You need to go talk to him
and you need to fix this.

All right, I'm on it.
I'm gonna go talk to the priest.

Now.

You don't feel
like dancing, do you?

I can't... this is
a bad time to ask, right?

Oh, I've got a confession
for you, foxy lady.

I thinks you're a foxy lady.

- Hey, there's my buddy Timbo.
- Hey.

What's up,
sweet Timbarino?

Father, I'm in big trouble
here with Amy's parents.

- You want my advice?
- No, I did not come for advice.

- Two words, Tim...
- Yeah?

...body shots.
- Body shots?

Go rub some salt
on Amy's mother's neck

and start licking her neck.
Then you eat half a lime

and spit the seeds
into her mouth, Tim.

- You think that'll fix it?
- I don't know.

- Sounds like fun.
- Not good advice.

Tim, does whiskey have
alcohol in it?

Because I'm beginning
to feel a bit tipsy.

- Are you joking?
- Nope.

This isn't going
to end well, Timbo.

This is not gonna end well.

I think the priest is drunk.

Ah. He'll be fine.

Listen, I don't mean
to eavesdrop or anything,

but I've been
to a lot of weddings.

- Yeah?
- Go talk to the grandmother.

- Why?
- She's the elder statesman

in the family.
If you get in good with her,

- everybody will love you.
- That's actually great advice.

Excuse me,
I don't think we've met.

- Oh.
- Are you Amy's sister?

- Oh, you!
- Are you one of her sorority sisters?

- You stop being silly now.
- Silly?

You're a sweet thing,
but I'm Amy's grandmother.

- No.
- Yes.

That's crazy talk.
You're not older than Amy.

You are really being
silly now. I'm 82.

Please, you look like you're... 11.

You look like a beautiful,

well-endowed 11-year-old girl.

You know, Timothy,
it's awfully warm in here.

Would you be so kind as to just
wheel me outside for a little air?

All right, let's do it.

Let's wheel you outside.

Hold on... hold on tight.

Whoa. Have you met, Timothy?

- He's positively charming.
- Oh, please.

While everyone else
was off dancing,

he took the time
to talk to me

because he knows
I can't dance.

That was, uh,
very thoughtful, Timothy.

Yes, it's... very sweet.

It was thoughtful and sweet.
And now, if you'll excuse us,

I'm going to continue wheeling
your mother around the premises

- and show her a good time.
- Mm-hmm.

Good evening.

Maybe we misjudged him.

He does seem like
an awfully nice kid, I guess.

- Oh, Timothy.
- Yeah?

- You remind me of my first husband.
- Really? That's nice.

We met at this
very hotel in 1942.

Wow, that must be
a very special memory.

It was a clear night,
just like this one.

Wow, and you met your husband.
That's great.

Mmm, it was the first time

a man's hand
ever touched my boobs.

- What?
- I said it was the first time

my boob was in a man's hand.

Story took a weird turn.

Oh, Timothy, help me
relive that magic night.

- No. No.
- Go, squeeze my boobs...

- No, please.
...just like my handsome husband did

- in 1942.
- I'm sure he squeezed them,

but you've gotta leave
the past behind.

Stop being a pansy
and just do it.

Okay, we're doing this
over the blouse, right?

- Yes.
- Okay, here it comes.

- Mmm.
- How's that?

- Oh!
- Is that doing it for you?

- Keep squeezing. Don't...
- All right.

- Don't stop.
- Just keep...

- keep the volume down.
- That's just...

- That's it.
- Oh, it reminds me of that night.

That's a little loud.
That's a little loud.

- Oh! Oh!
- This may be a weird time to say it,

but... they're not bad.

These... these have held up.

1942,
I can't even imagine.

- Oh.
- These things must've been sick.

- Oh. Oh, yes.
- You know,

I'd be lying if I said
I wasn't just a little aroused

in a weird...
very weird kind of way.

- Jumping Jehoshaphat!
- Tim!

- What are you doing?
- We're... we're reminiscing.

Timothy, she's asleep.

She was not asleep
a minute ago.

Trust me, she could not
have been less asleep.

Come on, Grandma,
wake up. It's Tim.

- Stop it.
- Tim!

- It's Tim.
- Timothy, stop it.

- Just remove the chair.
- I think you've done enough

- for one evening. Stop right there.
- All right.

- Honey.
- It's your mother.

I've got to apologize
for that one.

- I can't believe you.
- I wanted your parents to like me.

So you wheeled
my grandmother outside

and squeezed her left boob?

- L...
- Who are you?

I'm not the guy that
squeezes old ladies' boobs.

- Yes, you are. I saw it.
- No, that's not who I am.

I don't want
to be remembered that way.

Too late.

You know, I should never have
objected to the wedding.

Once you do that...

the day can get away
from you pretty fast.