The League (2009–2015): Season 7, Episode 5 - The Bully - full transcript

PETE: So, Andre, whatever
happened with Gibiatti?

You're never gonna
believe this, right?

That girl he was dating,
she gets pregnant,

he dumps her, case dropped.

Gentlemen, I have big news
about my charity organization,

Taco Cares.
Pete no cares.

We are starting a new venture,
and it's called,

the Little Eskimo
Brothers Program.

KEVIN:
Oh, no, no, no, no.

Taco, please tell me you are not
teaching children to have sex.

Are you crazy?



I'd never teach
a child anything.

Besides, I don't want
to waste a bed.

Now, the Little Eskimo Brothers
Program will allow adults

who are staying at the EBDBBnB

to also mentor a child
while they're there.

You know, give something back.

As long as it's not, like,
their gonorrhea or syphilis.

All right, enough, I don't want
to talk about sex anymore,

especially kids and sex.

Ellie's starting SexEd at school,

so yeah.

Wait, w-wait, wait, wait, wait,
Ellie is learning about sex?

Isn't she a little old for that?

So crazy, it feels like just yesterday



she was this sweet young
innocent girl,

using the word suck-stick
without knowing what it meant.

And to top it off, she's getting
bullied in the class.

Ooh, I'm having a huge problem
with bullying on my face.

Wait, isn't that just violence?

Bullying's a tricky issue, man.

I feel like back in our day,

the worst thing
that happened to a girl

if she was called fat is she
just ended up dating Ruxin.

Kids have it tough nowadays.

I mean, I'm just thankful
I was never bullied.

(coughs, laughs)

Dude, what did you just say?
What?

I'm not proud of this,

but you were severely
bullied by us.

Oh, n-n-no, we all
bullied each other.

Are you kidding me?
Our nicknames for you

became so popular the teachers
started calling you them.

Yeah, Miss Hamilton roll-called
you as "Anal Bead."

I actually thought
your name was Anal Bead

and your nickname was "Andre."

I gave it back to
you guys tenfold.

Remember, they used to call me
the Vip... I was the Viper.

Because your breath
was so horrible.

Yeah, you could kill people.

I was never bullied.

And to prove that there
are no hard feelings,

I will pick up the check.

How about that, Kevlar?

Ooh, burn!

Hey. Don't call
my brother names.

Apologize.

Okay. Sorry.

I'm sorry about the-the remark
I made about the Kevlar.

The Viper has stung again.

KEVIN: Hey, sweetie.
JENNY: Hey, babe.

KEVIN:
Ready to roll?

Load up.

Oh, no.

Did you have a bad day again?

Yep.
(groans)

Was it that bully again?
What's his name?

Connor or Cooper?

Cooper, Mom.

JENNY: Cooper.
Cooper? Ugh.

He called me a choad juggler.

What?
What?

What did he call you?
(snickers)

(whispering):
Stop.

"Choad juggler."

No... that is...
That...

That's a...
That's wrong.

not funny thing
to say to someone.

Definitely not a funny phrase.

You sure he didn't
say "choad chugger"?

I mean, "chugger" makes
more sense than "juggler,"

although a choad juggler
is more interesting

precisely because it's
unexpected, right? I mean...

Either way, it's not
funny, it's wrong.

Wrong.
Mom, Dad.

What?

Am I a choad juggler?

(Kevin and Jenny snicker)

No. No, you're not.
No.

You're not because
it... they don't exist.

Although Andre could juggle
'em, if anyone could.

He's very deft with his hands.
Stop it.

Does the bullying stop
when you grow up?

Yes. Yes.
Yes. Yes, it does.

Unless you join a
fantasy football league,

and in that case, it's a never-ending
shit... You know what, just stop.

Hi, Kevin.

I have some terrible
news for you.

This week, your team's going
to be as ashamed and beaten down

as, well, you after sex.

I mean, less crying of course,
but defeat is certain.

Ooh, Bama Slamma!

Pete, you are on fire this week.

I know Ruxin makes
a lot of stupid jokes

about us being a couple and...

Yeah, you think?

All I have to say
about that is--

you better get a pun dictionary
and a video camera,

because, Kevin, I'm-a bone you
till I own you, sucka.

Oh, Peter.

I'm-a pound you so hard, balls
deep is gonna be the warm-down.

Man, Pete is
balls deep in Kevin,

and Ruxin's in Puerto Rico.

(laughs, snorts)

Oh, I'm back.

And who would've thunk it?

I had to leave Puerto Rico
to see a cockfight.

You could have seen one there.

Feliz Navidad to me.

Look at all these presents
under the tree.

You know...

(laughs)
Immature.

I'm sorry, what?
Did you say something?

I thought I heard
something brilliant

coming out of your mouth.

Well, what do you got?

What's the matter, Kev?

Pete's ass got your tongue?

Come on, little buddy.

Fine.
PETE: Yeah!

Here, Pete, how about this?

Yeah!

You know what, Pete?

You're a choad juggler.

A living, breathing
choad juggler.

Oh, wow, really?

It's like a circus act,
and you have so many choads,

you have to keep them
in the air.

Oh, my goodness.

Look at all the choads
this guy has.

Oh, look at him go.
(imitates gargling)

And then you light
the choads on fire,

you'll just keep putting them
out in your mouth like...

(imitates gulping)

PETE (laughing):
Oh, Jesus.

Wow.

You'll just be juggling choads
up on the unicycle,

and there'll be on fire,
and you'll be like...

(imitates gulping)

All right, all right, all right.

I got to give it up--
it's a great slam.

This might be slam of the year.

Whoa.

Yeah, it just kind of,
like, rolls off the tongue.

Well, you would be
an expert at that.

Oh, another one from
downtown-- he's on fire.

KEVIN:
Glad you enjoy it.

Just do me a favor and don't use

the phrase "choad juggler"
around the house.

I don't want Ellie hearing it.

Why not? I think
it would be actually one

of the more clean things
she'd hear in that house.

Well, definitely the cleverest.

It's just she's very sensitive
to the whole bullying issue.

Oh, you know what?

Bullying would be a great issue

to focus on at the Little
Eskimo Brothers Program.

You know, I got picked on,
and I fought back.

I just wish Ellie
would do the same.

You don't want her
to fight back.

That's stooping
to their level, okay?

It's a phase, it's gonna pass.

Eh, is it though? I mean,
I feel like in life

you're either a shit-sipper
or a shit-server,

and who you are gets
set very early on.

Yeah, you want to be
serving, not sipping.

Eh, it's not true.

You can sip a little
and serve, like me.

(slurping) Still a little
left-- you can just sip harder.

Mmm, actually, I need a refill.

Oh, we'll always be here
to serve you more.

Well done, keeping 'em coming.
Thank you.

What? What happened?

What?

You used Ellie's bully's insult.

KEVIN: It was there,
I used it, big deal.

You have sunk to the level
of a 12-year-old.

I'm fine with that.

Feels good to own it.

Hey, can I have help
with homework?

Absolutely. What subject
are we talking about?

Sex ed.

Ooh, no, no, no, no.

No...
Get back in there.

You could learn something.

All right, full disclosure,
I'm working

on a third-grade level
in sex ed, so...

That is true.
(gasps)

Oh, my God.

JENNY:
Kevin, will you just try to be

a little more mature.

(laughing, gasps)

(whispering): Looks just like...
Yes, my body.

That looks just like you.

KEVIN: Honey.
JENNY: What is, uh...

what's... what's your question?
What's the question?

If these are the testicles,
Mm-hmm.

and that's the epididymis, Yeah.

then what's that?

Ooh, that's, uh...

Oh, that's Daddy's shaft.
No.

No, it's not, no, that's...

What is it?
That's a...

It's a therapy bill.

Who is this big bone lass?

Kevin, when did you meet
that handsome lady?

On the bus?
ELLIE: Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Maybe by the time I come back,

you two will have
grown up a little.

I mean, I find this
really disturbing.

Kevin, you're standing
just like the guy.

Oh, my God, ugh.

You know what?
It's funny.

It's not funny, okay?

It is.
It's creepy.

I mean, you're talking about
people staring at me naked.

I mean, do you know
what it's like

to be objectified for your body?

No, I have no idea.

I mean, all these children
looking at my nude body.

I don't see how sex offenders
enjoy this at all.

I'm taking this out of this book
No, hey.

I'm ripping it out.
You can't do that, that's school property.

This is my body, all right?

And I'm taking it back.

Unless you want to hold onto it

for whatever extracurricular
activities...

Here he is.
I do not need a page

out of my daughter's sex ed book

for my own erotic pleasure.

You sure?
Yeah.

I am well-versed
in your epididymis, thanks.

I don't even know what that is.

Is there more than one?
What...

It's kind of flattering.
Put a burn mark in there and that's me.

PETE: Yeah, week two
wasn't a total loss.

I mean, I lost in the league,

but I won like $200 on DraftKings.
No, no, no, no.

Nobody wants to hear about
your extracurricular escapades.

Yeah, you're welcome to flaunt
your personal life with us,

but don't flaunt your fantasy
football flings in our faces.

All right, guys, you know what?

I've thought about it.

I may have a few
shit-sipping tendencies,

but all that stops today.

That my sandwich?

Yeah, here it is.

There's only half of it.
Well, you know,

I had a salad, so...

See, this is what
I'm talking about, okay?

I need to be respected

and if you guys can't say
anything nice to me,

then I don't want you
to say anything at all.

(Ruxin clears throat)

ANDRE:
Really?

You guys have nothing to say?

Everything you're thinking of

right now is a hurtful,
nasty thing?

ANDRE:
Oh, come on!

All right, you know what? Fine.

I will lead the conversation.

So yesterday,
I took a hot yoga class,

but I'm very tense
in the pelvis region.

The teacher was telling me

that I needed to release it.

So... I don't know
how to do that myself,

and I asked him for some help.

He put me up
in front of the class

and put his hands
right above my pelvis.

And he said, "Oh, my God,

you're so tight here."

So he just started
pushing and massaging

and then, boom!

All that pressure just releases.

I felt unbelievable.

People in the class were coming
up to me at the end going like,

"I can't believe you..."
Guys!

Oh, Taco!
Thank God you're here, Taco.

You're never gonna believe
what I found.

My brother Kevin

is in a book.
KEVIN: No, no, no, no.

Wow!
Give that to me.

No, I'm not!

Where did you get that?

Hey, if you don't want
me to find something,

don't leave it
just sitting there

in the middle of the garbage.

Kevin, it looks just like you.

I mean, it doesn't have
the gray pubes,

but it's close.

And the artist was very generous

in the crotchal region.

Oh, this is actually
great for Ellie,

because she can literally see
where she came from.

Very funny.

It is not me,
but it did freak me out,

so I tore it out
of Ellie's sex ed book

to throw in the garbage.

I wish I could be in class

to hear the teacher
try to explain it.

Like... "The Kevin,

"while having sex
with his spouse,

thinks about his best friend,
The Pete."

Okay.

Oh, really, really funny.

Real mature, coming
from a bunch of choad jugglers.

What's that, now?
Choad jugglers. You're choad jugglers.

Not really landing
like it used to.

It's starting to lose its steam.

I don't think so. I think it burns, still.
Yeah, no, no.

Take it from the Viper.

You need a new hook, Kevlar.

I got plenty of new stuff,
so don't worry about me, okay?

Oh, great. Let's hear it.
We're excited.

What do you got?

I'm... I'm workshopping it
still, so...

when it's ready to be heard,

you will then feel the burn.

What, do you have, like,
a lamer group of friends

that you open mic with?

I gotta say,
this artist is great.

Really impressed by his use

of the three pillars
of genital drawings:

scale, perspective
and dick shading.

Wow.

I find it really disturbing

that you're interested in a
picture of your naked brother.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

The only reason I'm interested

is because I draw my own porn
to masturbate to.

KEVIN: What?
Really?

Why?

I'm a DIY kind of guy.

Taco, masturbation is DIY.

Yeah, well, I've been having
a rough time lately.

If I spend the whole day
drawing a picture,

it kind of takes the element
of surprise out of it.

I'm thinking of bringing in
another artist

to spice things up.

Andre?

Want to draw some porn with me?

Enough of your insults.
No, thank you.

I think he actually wants
to draw porn with you.

Ooh, I'd love to.

Of course you would,
you dumb piss-juggler.

Hmm?
What?

Piss-juggler.

This guy.
Juggling piss.

How do you juggle a liquid?

It's, you know...
Ay-ay-ay.

...in canisters and he...

PETE:
You just changed one word.

You just replaced "choad"
with "piss."

Bah, you don't...

you don't know what...

I said.

(knock on door)
KEVIN: Hey, sweetie?

How's homework going?
Not so great.

Some jerk tore the page
out of my health textbook.

What?

Oh, my goodness.

These kids! Damn it!

I don't know how
I'm going to finish

this presentation without it.

Oh, rough stuff.

Anyway, I came to talk
about the bullying.

Okay, you know that if that
bully calls you anything,

you can tell me, right?
Yeah.

Has he said anything else,
recently?

Uh, yesterday he called me
"Buttly."

Buttly?

Buttly.

"Buttly" doesn't... doesn't
really roll off the tongue.

Buttly...

The other kids were laughing.

Oh, yeah, but those kids
are animals.

They'll laugh at anything.

I doubt it would please
a more discerning audience.

"Buttly" is just lazy, really,

when you think about it.

It's just adding "-ly"

on top of a body part.

How about "footly"?
You have big feet. Footly...

Okay, Dad, I don't want
to talk about the bully.

No, I know, he's mean.

And very uneven, creatively.

Okay, I really need help
with my sex ed homework.

I hear you.

Listen, if he
calls you anything,

you let me know, okay?

In fact, write it down.

Sound it out if you don't
know how to spell it.

Okay, Dad.

Get it done.

Thanks for the help.

Good talk, baby.

I love you so much.

This kid shows a lot of promise.

Man, I would love to be
a Big Eskimo Brother.

Sorry. In order to be
a Big Eskimo Brother,

you have to be having sex
at the EBDBBnB.

If not, it's just creepy.

Yeah, but I'm a pretty
good role model.

I mean, I could help the kids,
you know.

Three monogamous relationships

is hardly a role model, Andre.

Check the facts.
Three and a half.

KEVIN:
Whoa. What are you doing

with all these pictures of boys?

These are my
Little Eskimo Brothers.

Wait, this is Cooper Harris.

This is Ellie's bully.

Cooper. Good kid.

What a small world.

I thought you set up this
whole Taco Cares program

to focus on bullying.
Exactly.

I'm recruiting young bullies
from the community

and giving them
the tools and structure

to thrive in the world.

Wait, you're helping bullies.

Yeah. If I don't,
who will?

Everyone's always
looking after the underdog,

but who is looking after
the overdog?

No one, because an overdog
isn't a thing.

It's just a dog.

These are children
you're talking about.

They're getting
kicked out of parks,

they're getting kicked offline.

The EBDBBnB is a sanctuary

for these young children.

They don't need sanctuary;
they need psychiatric help.

I was bullied as a child
and look at me today.

I'm the successful CEO

of a multi-dollar corporation.

You can't really argue with that.
Yeah.

TACO: Ah! Welcome
to the EBDBBnB.

After the "P" goes in the "V,"

give back to the community.

What are you doing?

There's kids around here.

Can I serve you a cold beverage, sir?
No.

Riley!
(snaps fingers)

I truly don't
need a drink, Taco.

You're... oh.

No, I don't want them anymore.

It took too long.

Hey! The grown-ups
are talking!

Stop the lawn mower.

Just cut it with
your fingers for a bit.

TACO:
Hey. Scrub that tree.

Want to be able
to see my face in it.

Without the attitude.

Okay?

I just want to speak to
Cooper Harris, if I can.

I like Cooper.
He's the only one of these kids

that's not a huge loser.

Sorry, but you know it's true.

Come on.

Follow me.
You're not a loser.

Come on, vacuum that grass.

I want to be able
to eat off of it.

Who's got the chainsaw?

Come on, that tree's not
gonna cut itself down.

No, no! Don't touch
the chainsaw!

(chainsaw revving)
You. Up the ladder.

Hurry up. What are you, a baby?

You-you are a baby.

Don't go up the ladder.
Oh, my God, Taco!

ANDRE: You know, it was a really
smart move on your dad's part

to bring in a doctor to help
you with this sex ed stuff.

Yeah, he's been really weird
about it.

I mean, all I have to do
is write a report.

Don't worry about it.

We're not gonna just sit around

and talk about sex all day long

like a bunch of Samanthas.

I don't get it.

Of course you don't, you know?

Your mind's not
on this planet right now.

You're being bullied,
you're being picked on.

Let me tell you something.

There are two types
of people in this world.

Feces-sippers

and feces-servers.

You know, when I was your age,

I, sipped a wee bit
of the feces.

You still chugging it?

I didn't chug it, okay?

I sipped it.

And you're sipping it, too,

so don't be
all high and mighty, okay?

We need you to start
serving the feces.

'Cause I don't want you
picked on like I was.

I mean, even your dad
used to pick on me.

He used to?

Just last night
he called you sad.

Well, that means
something different to adults.

Well, whatever it means,
you're a super version of it.

Well, I'm gonna focus
on the super part,

not the second part.

They say that they'd rather
not watch football

than go to Andre's.

You're so smart,
you think that's me?

No, that's a restaurant
downtown.

If you ever got out
and had a life,

you would realize that.

Okay, well,
they really hate it there.

Oh, yeah, well, you know what?
I mean, they say the owner

has terrible taste
and he's color-blind.

He's really ugly and old.
Okay, you know what?

Let me tell you something,
you are being picked on,

and so am I,
and we need to fight back.

What we're gonna do is
we're gonna serve up some feces.

And next time someone
picks on you,

you need to look them right
in the eye and be like,

"What's that,
you big choad juggler?"

What?
I know.

Your dad said it's not,
like, appropriate for you,

but I actually think
you can handle it.

It's funny, right?
That's not funny.

No, it's hilarious.

Everyone's gonna laugh.

You'll be like, "choad juggler,
choad juggler."

Andre, I mean it.

Stop calling me that!

(groans)
And don't you ever

call me that again.

Ever.
(groans)

Way to fight back, Ellie.

Andre, you just got decked
like Geno Smith.

I'm gonna be out
for six to ten week.

TACO:
Hey, Cooper, what's going on?

Why'd you give up
on the leaf blower?

'Cause there's
no more leaves, Taco.

Stop complaining. If there are
no more leaves on the ground,

you pull them off
the tree, okay?

Hey, I need four volunteers
to help me bury a dead animal.

Let's go.
Hey, Cooper.

I'm Ellie's father. I'd like
a word with you, please.

Oh, you're that
choad juggler's dad?

Hey, you need to stop
calling her that right now.

First of all, it's
very hurtful to her.

And secondly,

it's getting a little old.

All right, that's one gutter.

Now move on to the next one,

the one with the wasps nest.

Hurry up.

Uncle Taco, I need your help.

What's wrong, Ellie?

You seem upset.

Did you get fired from your job
or something?

Worse. My dad's bullying me.

Ellie,
whatever your father said,

I'm sure he meant to say it
behind your back.

And my parents won't help me

with my health
class presentation.

It's due soon.

I lost the diagram.

I don't know where to start.
The Kevin diagram?

Yeah.
Oh.

You've come to the right place,
my dear.

You can help me?
Absolutely.

Follow me.

My God, thank you so much.

Hey, vacuum this dirt.

It's disgusting.

Come on.

Daniel, when you're done
with the bathroom,

I want you to clean the fruit.

Jimmy, while we're gone,
I want you to rearrange

everything in this room
in a fun and surprising way.

Thank you.

If you want to say anything
to Ellie in the future,

I want you to say
it to me right now,

especially if it's scatological
or pun-based with a body part.

So come on. Hit me
with it. Let's hear it.

Come on.
Okay, Buttly.

Is that your attempt at humor?

It's funny.
I'm not laughing.

Are you laughing? Baby
Ray Romano's not laughing.

Come on, man.
You're supposed to be the best.

That's all you have, "Buttly"?
I was coming off a detention.

And I have a nightmare load
of homework.

- And my dog is sick. - I see your ability
to come up with excuses still works well.

Now, I could explain sex
ed to you all day long,

but a picture is worth
a thousand positions.

Welcome to my studio.
Well, this isn't

creepy at all.
What a relief.

I was worried
you wouldn't like it.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is...
inappropriate for a child.

Much better.

I call this
one "H..."

Nothing.

I've been studying your father's
naked body for a while.

He has
some really interesting angles.

Still haven't mastered
that lilt yet.

It's really tricky.

All right, let's get to
work on this presentation.

Your dad's groinal area
is not gonna draw itself.

Now, what kind of scenario

do you want? You want,
like, a hot tub,

a pizza delivery-type thing?
Is that...

is that my dad?

How 'bout, uh,
"Museum of Fine Farts"?

"Museum of Fine
Farts." That's good.

But good is the enemy of great.
Okay.

So let's dig deeper.
We can beat it.

Yeah, that's your dad with
his new Little Eskimo Brother.

That's my bully!

He's with my bully!
Ooh, that's rough.

Listen, Ellie, if ever you need
to talk about this

to anyone, I'd
bottle it up instead.

No one wants to hear
about your problems.

I'm gonna kill him!

How 'bout
"Feces Peanut Butter Cups"?

(chuckles)
We could do better.

Yeah, but you laughed.

But did I laugh the right kind
of laugh?

Well, what do you got,
Old Man Ginger?

Hey, look who's talkin'.

Yeah, what do you got?
Well, I... Look, I mean, I figure

we should stay in the world
of juggling, all right?

- Let's just see what other
gold is in those hills. - Dad?

What are you doing?!

Oh, my God, Ellie, this is not
what it looks like, I promise.

Busted. (chuckles)
You will pay for this, Daddy. You will pay!

Keep 'em coming, kid.
All right, I'll e-mail you.

Ah, another family-enriching day
at the EBDBBnB.

Get to work!

KEVIN: Ms. Pam, we wanted to apologize
for missing the fund-raiser.

Something...
It was awful.

Something awful...
...tragic happened.

I will pass along
your very general apologies

to the booster club, but
that's not why we're here today.

The class gave sex ed
presentations, and Ellie's

was very interesting.

Did either of you
help her with it?

No. No. God, no.
Uh...

Unless we were supposed to help her.
Were we... were we supposed to help her?

'Cause I think we did then.
You know what we did? We supervised,

but the work was all hers.
That's what we did.

Then that's
even more disturbing.

"Human Sexuality
by Ellie MacArthur.

Nice.
"Sex between

consenting adults comes
in many forms and varieties."

I see no problem with that.

Just wait.
Okay.

(gasps)
Oh.

"There's sex
between a man and woman."

Did you do this?

No. Taco did this.
Is that me?

No, I think that's the
big-boned lass from the bus.

PAM:
This is unacceptable.

Ellie has
a very vivid imagination.

Actually, she does not.

I've seen her in class.

I find her to be underwhelming.

Her nickname is "Simply There."

She has a dark energy
around her.

Nothing going on
behind the eyes.

And I find her to be very dull.

Dull, dull, dull.
(gasps)

Oh, my God.

Oh, boy.
"And intercourse

between a man and man."

Oh, wow. Oh!

Pete!
I suspected

this was one
of your ex-boyfriends.

"Ex"? No.
We're still best friends.

We talk every day.

(clears throat)
Kevin.

"Be smart about sex!"

That's beautiful.
It ends

on a high note.
Look at that

rainbow.
Are those...

choads?
Yes, they are choads,

and your husband
is juggling them.

What you're showing me here
is science fiction.

I don't know anyone that juggles choads.
I've seen

two criminally insane people
juggle choads.

I can promise you, ma'am,
it's not a laughing matter.

I am not a choad juggler.

The book tells a different tale.

Well, Ellie made it up, okay?

Your child does not have
the mental capacity

to make things up.
She is a dullard.

I don't even... Is that a real
word? What does that mean?

That's the first time
I've ever heard that word.

This is so much worse
than my last job.