The League (2009–2015): Season 7, Episode 6 - The Beer Mile - full transcript

Where do you think
they go to the bathroom?

I don't know.
I mean, they're out there all day.

And you see what they eat.

And no one lets
'em in the house.

It's curious.

Most curious.

Not that curious.

I mean, who cares?

I care. I care about

where people go to the bathroom,
especially cabbies.

They're driving around in
their cab all day long.



Do they have a certain spot?

Do they have to talk to a guy?
Do they have to buy something?

If it's a production,
do they have to buy more stuff?

What if they have a fare?

It's a quandary.

I think you spend too much time

thinking about
where people shit.

I don't think you spend enough.

Curious.

Most curious.

Big news, guys. I'm going

to train for a race.

The marathon.
The what?

The marathon.



Wait. The what?
The marathon.

You're training for the...
Kevin!

Oh, shit!

- Not the marathon. I'm running the beer mile.
- The what?

The beer mile.
The what? I...

Kevin, please stop.
No, I don't want to do it again.

I just don't know what it is.
Oh.

The beer mile is a mile race,

and every quarter of a mile,

you have to stop
and chug a beer.

Real runner's high.
Yeah.

And my training starts today.

Hi, guys!

Bam!

Bam!

Uh, zoom!
Ooh!

Oh.
Wow!

What is...?
Showy show?

Wow.
What are we doing here?

What are you wearing, Andre?
Oh.

These are sports kilts. All
the cool kids are wearing them.

- Yes, all the cool kids and you, Andre.
- Ooh, Jenny,

I like what you're doing.
You're trying to get in my head,

'cause we have a big game
coming up, but you can't.

Yeah, you're going down

like there's a shot of Jager
on Kevin's crank.

- Whoa! Whoa!
- Meegan's better

at shit-talking than you are, Andre.
I don't mind it.

It's great, 'cause
when you face me from now on,

you have to face us...
not one head...

But two heads.

Great. Bring it.

- We're looking at you.
- Oh, we see it.

Eeh, eeh...
I see somebody...

...who is a...
...who sucks balls.

I don't know what to do with that.
I don't, either.

Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?

Yeah.
Just be, guys... Be right back.

So you're fine with her
wearing the pants in the family?

- I think it's amazing that no one
wears pants in that family. - True.

From the beer mile
to the highlander,

Meegan really knows
how to pick 'em.

I just wanted to talk to you
away from, um, all the guys.

Yeah, sure.
Um... so, uh...

I just wanted to...

talk...

Um...

Trade.

Trade?
You have running backs.

We have wide receivers.

Let's dance.

I'm sorry. This is just...

What?
I'm having a hard time

processing the fact that...
What?

...we're talking
about fantasy football,

and it's not you yelling
at me for not wanting to do...

I mean, it's just strange.

Bad strange, or good strange?
Good strange.

I just, uh...
I mean, it's-it's odd with...

with him watching.

Oh, hi. Don't mind me.
I like to watch.

He loves to watch.

I don't love being watched.
Can we get back to business?

Ooh, yeah, let's talk trade.

What do you got?
Oh, Jesus! Close your legs, Andre.

Oh, fine.
I'm-I'm sorry.

This is...

Oh, I mean...
No. No.

He's just not ready.

Hey, Pete.
Taco. What are you doing?

Ow!
Chase me!

Asshole!

Whoa!

Shit! Oh!

Whoa!

Come on, you pussy!
Hey!

Jesus.

Come on, Pete!
Jesus! Jesus! Aah!

Jesus Christ!

Let's go, Pete!
Aah!

I admire your guts.

Let me train you
for the beer mile.

Why would I let you do that?
You almost killed me.

'Cause I was beer mile
regional champion 2008.

I never heard about this.

It's difficult for me
to talk about, Pete.

I won that thing
fair and square,

but then I was disqualified.
What happened?

Take a look.

I'm the best

drunk runner in the world!

Time for a mental warm-down.

What? What are you doing?!

It's just drugs!
Get off of me.

Apparently, you're not allowed
to take mind-enhancing drugs

before, during or
immediately after the race.

Sticklers!

But I know how to run
it, Pete, and goddamn it,

I know how to win it.

All right, Taco.
All right, I'm in.

Training starts now.

Back into traffic.
Taco! Jesus!

So, how are you feeling
about the games this weekend?

Are you kidding me?

I feel great.
Really?

Oh, yeah.
Are you sure?

Oh, yeah, the Lady MacArthurs
are feeling fine!

I just feel like
the flex is where

the double entendres
are going to shine.

Oh, yeah.
I just love the matchup

Mike Evans has against the Panthers.
Interesting.

'Cause, you know,
Andre has Brandin Cooks

in his lineup this week.

No, he's not.
He's playing my guy.

He said something
about how he was really excited

about all the targets
Cooks was gonna have.

This isn't a PPR.
I know.

And Brees's shoulder is questionable.
I know, right?

Hey, girlfriend, #RealTalk.

Do you know Andre says that all the time?
I know.

That's where I got it.
Isn't it so cute?

Mm.
Okay, sister... spill.

You used to run Kevin's team.

What?! No.
Yes.

Yes. Yes.
So, how did you do that?

The secret is
you have to be in charge

without ever appearing
to be in charge.

Oh, like when I convince
Andre to role-play

in the bedroom.

You would think that
Andre would love it.

You would think that.
'Cause he loves costumes, right?

Yeah.
But not in the bedroom.

I had to really break
him out of his shell.

And now I have a
little minx in there.

You know what
the most important thing is?

Okay, what?
At the end of the day,

you get final cut.

Final cut.
Trust me.

Listen, thank you.

That was really nice of you
to share that with me.

You're welcome. I have to go.
Okay, bye.

Bye. Oh!
Mwaw! Mwaw!

You're so cute, I want
to wear your skin!

#LosingSucks. Bye!

Hey, thank you!

Oh, come on, Chalupa!

Pick up your stuff.

Oh, God!

Oh!

Oh, come on!

Yuck! Ew!

Curious. Most curious.

Could have been an animal,

but I really think
it might have been the gardener.

Maybe it fell out
of your hot tub.

No. No, it did not fall
out of my hot tub, Ruxin.

It was definitely human.

How could you tell it was human?

Less talk, more drink.
All right.

Please. I know my
own kind, all right?

It was definitely human.

So you've got, like,
gaydar, but for poop?

Yeah, it's like poo-dar.

It's like a sixth sense.

Or like ESP and poo.

And... stop.

Mmm.
All right, interval training done.

Take a breather. I'm gonna get more beer.
Oh, okay.

All right, Mr. Ref, do me a
favor and settle it for me.

Tell me if it's
human poop or not.

- You want me to come to
your house and inspect a turd? - No.

I got it in my car. Just look at it.
No!

I will not.

Peruse it and tell me
what you think.

Look, people are disgusting.

They take shits in weird places,

like the side of the road
or the Pacific Ocean.

Exactly. Those who live

in glass houses should not

squeeze out stones, Seabiscuit.
I love this.

Everyone is out speeding,
and I'm the only one

that gets a ticket.
I mean, people

go in weird places.
That's that.

I'll admit it,
I pee in the shower.

Yeah, I mean, you got to go,
you just go.

Yeah, I go in the shower.
The only bad part is

mashing it
down the drain afterwards.

What?
Wait, you

shit in the shower?
Dude,

we were talking about peeing.

Yeah, yeah, me, too.

Taco, do you shit in the shower?

I'm saving water...
no flushing.

Oh, my God.
Ugh.

What do you do... you just
mash it down with your foot?

No, I'm not an animal.
I have a shower spatula.

Jesus Christ. My gardener shits
in my bushes and my brother

shits in his shower. I mean,
this is the end of days.

No, not my shower.
Your shower.

What?
Oh,

you know what?
It's fine,

it just means that
he uses your spatula.

Taco, we made pancakes this morning.
Oh, don't be

such a baby. I rinse it off
briefly afterwards.

Yeah. What?
Enough warm-up.

Go get changed, we're gonna
do a 5K, six-pack run.

Let's go!
Let's go!

Uh, pancakes for breakfast?

Chocolate chip?

So how you feeling?

Pretty good.
You shouldn't be!

You should be wasted right now.

You have the blood alcohol level
of a pregnant woman. Come on!

Four. Yeah, that's
right, feel the burn.

All right, good. We got
to strengthen that gut.

Let's do it again.

Come on, you been
nursing the same beer

for the last half mile.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Okay, okay.

See, i-it's quaffable.
Stop saying "quaffable."

Let's go, let's go,
let's go. Hurry up.

Chug, two, three, four.
Chug, two, three, four.

Personal best.
Keep it going, keep it going!

No, you see, just smell it.

Here we go.
Come on, pump those knees.

We got seven more cases
to get through.

I think you're right, Big B.
I-I'm letting this anger

eat me up inside, and I got
to just be happy for him.

To Meegan and Andre...
let 'em be happy.

Yeah, to Meevan and Andre.

Mm. Um, what's this
have to do with the training?

Oh, right, the training.
Let's get back to it.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!
O... Okay.

35.

The next one.

Yeah, that's a big boy.
Double-team that shit.

Right, down.
Left, down.

Drink.

All right, now everyone
switch beers.

All right, Pete,

you're almost there.
Let's do this!

Personal best.

All right, you deserve a beer.

No, no, no, no, no, suck it
back in, suck it back in.

You're gonna get disqualified.

Oh, come on.

I feel better.

Back to the beginning.
Let's go.

No!

Lover,

do you like the collared shirt

with the crushed velvet vest

or the Nehru collar
with the scarf?

Why are you asking me?

Because I value
your opinion, my love.

Do you?
Yes.

Because I noticed that
you're not playing my lineup.

Okay, is this about the flex?

'Cause it's not a big deal. Come on.
Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Why won't you play Mike Evans?
I believe

that Brandin Cooks is gonna
score more points, that's all.

It's not a big deal.
Oh. Well, I believe

Brandin Cooks
is the Nehru collar

and pleather pants of our team.

Wait.
Is that good or bad?

That's my point.

You trust me with everything.

Why won't you trust
me with our team?

I want to share final cut.

I can't share final cut.

Well, then I want final cut.

No, you can't have final cut.
That's...

I want final cut.
You're not gonna get it.

I'm sorry, but no.
It's my-it's my choice.

Oh, okay.
And that's final.

Well, then, you can
just... you know what?

Wear whatever you want.

That's final, there you go.
It's gonna be awesome.

That's... great.

You should do that.
Well, great, thank you.

Thank you very much.

You're gonna look fantastic.

What are we doing?

Honey.
I love you.

Okay?
And I love us.

So come here.

Come here.

Come here,
come here, come here. Look.

Let's make a promise.

Fantasy football
can never come between us.

Okay?
Promise?

Mm.
Mm.

Mmm!

Hmm.

Curious, curious.

Hey, Ernesto.

S?, Se?or-Se?or Kevin.

How are you?

Uh, muy bien.
Hola.

Quick question for you.

Have you noticed any
animals around here?

Family of chipmunks.
No.

No, that's...
that wouldn't do it.

No, se?or.
No.

Man, you guys love
those burritos, huh?

Oh, s?.

Ah, the carne asada.
Riquisimo.

I don't even know where
you guys put it all.

Everybody's got to go
sometime, though, you know?

Oh, yes, very much.

Yeah. It's
strange, because

it's not like, you know...
you can use the house.

I can use the house?
What?

Gracias, Se?or Kevin.
Muchas gracias.

Muchas gracias, Se?or Kevin.

De nada.

No bueno.

Now we know the answer
to the ago-old question:

where does the gardener shit?
He shits in Kevin's house.

Okay, Edward 40-Hands.
Nuts?

No, thank you.
I'm not gonna make it.

It's the first day of training.
You'll be fine.

Then the guy stopped by
at 9:00 at night.

9:00 to take a crap? I mean,
I think he was on a date, too.

Mm. Less talk,
more drink, boys.

Come on, the race is this weekend.
Oh, yeah, by the way, the race

goes right by your house,
Kevin, so Jenny'll

come up for some moral support.

All right, we got
orange slices in a mile.

Yes!
Thank God. Inside a Hefeweizen.

Oh.
Oh, my God.

Short cut, short cut.
All right.

Watching college football
just doesn't do it for me anymore.

It's like you're jerking
off to a porn magazine.

It feels like
it should work, but...

Just doesn't get the job done.

Exactly.
Yeah.

I feel the same way.

Knock, knock.
Oh.

Hey, Ernesto. I didn't know
you were doing the lawn today.

Oh, no, no, today is Saturday.

I do your neighbors...
the Pinkertons?

Oh.

Uh, Ernesto,

really bad news.
Our bathroom...

is broken.

Ooh.

That's okay,
I use the upstairs again, okay?

Oh. Hola.

Hola.

Good magazine.
Oh...

Again?

What?
Kevin, you must not

give me the name of your gardener.
You got to go

talk to him.
What am I gonna say to him?

Hello!
Hello!

Well, if it's not
our favorite couple.

Well. Hey, listen...

you can't break us.

Ever. We are strong.
Just like team.

Great. Come on in, guys. Have a seat.
Yeah. Good. Yeah, get comfy.

It's a little messy. I'm so sorry.
Yeah. Here. Come on in. Can I,

uh, offer you guys something to drink?
We don't have any wine open,

- I don't think, but we can open
one of the bottles you guys - No.

brought over.
Um, whatever you want. Pick.

So I can pick the wine!

Okay. I can't pick
the flex,

but I can pick the wine.
I wasn't saying that,

I wasn't saying that, I wasn't saying that.
Yeah.

Who are you gonna play in your flex?
Uh,

well, we're talking about it.

Right? Aren't we talking about it? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna have a beer.
We'll... Thank you for asking.

Right that way?
Right around the corner.

Same place it was when you were with Pete.
Oh,

Ruxin, you're a dreamboat!

Ugh. How-how did you guys
run a team

- together?
- Oh, it's simple.

Yeah. I charmed, begged,
and then I railroaded him.

No problem with the bathroom
upstairs. Gracias, Se?or Kevin.

I will see you Monday.
Okay.

Um, Ernesto, I'll walk you out.
Just want to...

chat with you for a sec.
D?game, Se?or Kevin.

Um, Ernesto, I just, um...
You're doing a great job.

Just one small issue. I would
rather if you didn't use...

the bathroom in the house
anymore, okay?

Oh.

Oh, okay.
And I'd also prefer

that you don't go
in the yard either.

Excuse me?

You think that I take a shit
outside like an animal?

No! No, no. No! I'm just...

I mean, I see what you consume
for lunch, and, you know,

you've been using the bathroom,
like, five times a day,

and two of those times
seemed really complicated...

I do not poop in the lawn!

Our rhododendrons did grow
four feet in a year.

Se?or Kevin, I thought
we were family.

Luis, Carmen, and Maria,
they call you Uncle Kevin!

I've never met Maria.
You invite me to your house

to use your toilet!

That was a mistake. That...

I should not have done that.
You know what,

I'm not gonna work for somebody
that treats me like shit.

I quit!
No. Ernesto, don't quit!

You're taking this
the wrong way!

Ernesto, please, wait, wait.

Where do you go? Do you hold it?

Ernesto, do you hold it?!

Ernesto!

Those rhododendrons
are gonna go to shit.

Pete.

What's up, Taco?

Today you become a man,

and I want you
to have something.

This was mine.

And before it was mine,

it was someone else's
who left it in the garbage.

And now it's yours.

I'll always cherish it, Taco.

Thank you.
You're ready for this.

You got a good buzz going,
and you're carbo-loaded.

And we're sure the pasta I ate
was gluten-free?

Yeah. I didn't add any gluten
to it.

This could be the race
of our lives, Pete.

You're just smoking
like a Serbian water polo coach.

Mmm.

Yep. That'll help it.
Ah.

Whew. I wish I
had what you had.

A valid driver's license?

Runners, please
report to the starting line.

The race will begin
in five minutes.

It is time. Here,
It's our time.

takes the edge off.
No, I'll save room for the beer.

I'm good.
All right. Let's do this.

On your marks,

get set...

Come on, Pete! Chug!

Chug! Chug! All right, let's do this, Pete!
Taco? Are you running?

Think I'd let you do this alone?
Let's go, let's go!

Jack and Coke?
Rum and Coke.

Good call on the bar cart.
Thanks.

It seemed like
the neighborly thing to do.

What's up, jerks?
Wow.

Another one.
Take a look.

All in.
Andre, you are kiltin' it.

You look like Lameheart.
You're looking at a winner,

who is killing you today
because Brandin Cooks is

cookin' up the field today.
He is killing it today.

That's why it must hurt so bad
Ooh. So good.

that he's on your bench.
Ooh.

- He's not on my bench. He's
in my lineup. I set my lineup. - Nope.

Mike Evans is in your lineup,
and he is not doing very well,

my friend. In fact,

I think you're gonna lose.

Hi.
Hey.

Um... did you touch my lineup?
What?

Maybe...
No, no, no. No "maybe." Did you put Mike Evans

in the lineup?
Yeah.

You said I have final cut.

I never said that.
Yes, you said in the closet

that I get final cut.
I said that we shouldn't

fight about fantasy football. You ca...
And if I don't have

- final cut, we're gonna fight
about fantasy football. - You ca...

So I get final cut.
No.

Not on my team.
If you can't trust me with the flex,

how can you trust me
with anything?

How can you trust me
with your car?

I don't trust you with my car!

'Cause you dented my car!

First of all, ding.

A dent!
A ding!

A dent!
A ding!

A dent!
A valet

dinged your car.
Oh! The valet.

You parked in a compact spot!
I always tell you If you point at me,

not to park in a compact, but...I mean, come on.
I'm gonna punch you in your kilt.

Halfway there! Come on!
Get that cigarette out of my face, Taco.

All right, inhale this.
Oh, God. Get out.

I'm not sure
about that carbo-load.

Might have been
the tomato sauce.

Pretty sure
that was a clam sauce.

Oh. Oh!

Got to get to Kevin's! Got to get to Kevin's!
Wait, no, no, no.

It's this way!
Where are you going? No, no,

- no, no, no!
- What are you doing?!

- Yobogoya!
- Here's some

fearless feedback...Oh, you're gonna give me
Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah.
some fearless feedback?

It's "nitch,"

not "neesh."

It's "neesh." "Dinner theater
Oh, really?

is my 'neesh.'"
No.

"Dinner theatre is my 'nitch.'"

"Neesh."
"Nitch."

Neesh. Neesh. Neesh.
Nitch. Nitch.

Nitch.
You're being

a nitch right now.
And you're being

a niotch.

Oh, really?

I hate your skorts.

I hate your jeggings.

You don't want me

playing with your team,
messing with your team.

You don't even want
me on your team.

The only fantasy here
is that you and I

were right for each other.
Maybe we're just too different.

Maybe we are just two
completely different people.

Different people.

So on that,

namaste. I'm going to go.

It's been superlative.

It was a pleasure having
a relationship with you.

They were
perfect together,

and the flex tore them apart.

The flex can do that.

Hey, Andre.

How you doing, buddy?

I lost my love and my matchup.

I'm really sorry
about the first one.

She can be a cruel,
cruel mistress.

Meegan?
No, fantasy football.

Where's Pete?

I got to get to Kevin's!
I'm gonna make it!

What are you doing?!
We're off-course!

No, there's a new course!
New course!

Kevin! It's an emergency!
Open up!

Come on! Hey, hey!

Hey, Kevin! Kevin!

Where are you?!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

Oh! Ooh, ooh.

No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no.

No. Oh...

Yobogoya. Oh, sweet Yobogoya.

Welcome to Poo Corner.
I love it here. Whew.

Oh, Kevin.
?Qu? es esto?

El cabr?n.

I'm so sorry. Definitely will be
blaming this one on the dog.

You are the shitter!

I'm gonna tell Se?or Kevin!
Because of you,

I lost my job!

It's not what you think!
It's not what you think!

No, no, no.
What are you doing?

Shitting yourself is an automatic DQ.

Rolling around in it is
just killing your time.

No respect for the sport.