The League (2009–2015): Season 7, Episode 4 - Deflategate - full transcript
In need of relationship advice, Jenny turns to Green Bay wide receiver Randall Cobb; Frank ''The Body'' Gibbiati sues Andre.
(both moaning)
Yes!
Yeah.
Ah!
Ooh.
Thank you.
Are you kidding me?
No, thank you.
Ha, well, I'm a giver.
Yeah, you are.
(groans)
Wet spot.
Hey!
Hey.
You switched sides?
Uh, you know, my phone charger
only works on this side,
so this is kind of my spot.
Your spot?
Yeah.
You sure you're not trying
to avoid this spot?
I mean, that's cool with me.
I don't have a problem
with, you know, like,
your excretions and stuff.
Wow! You make it sound
like it's a sea urchin!
Wait, oh, okay, um...
juices?
And now it's a breakfast buffet?
What do you want me to say?
I don't know!
That's definitely you.
Hold on a second here.
If we're talking
about the "us cocktail,"
I think we're talking
90% Libby with a ten percent
Pete floater, tops.
A Pete floater?
Oh, yeah.
Okay, well, then, Pete?
Mm-hmm.
Why don't you float
back over here?
I ain't float... I'm not floating on that.
Oh, yeah, you can.
You can do it. Oh, come on.
Why...?
I know you can, I know.
I don't want the wet spot!
You know what?
Oh, you love that juice cocktail.
Oh, man, you're
lucky I like you a ton.
(grunts) Floating on my floater.
Juices? Oh, no! No!
No, no, no.
What's wrong with that?
What are you gonna call it?
How about bitters?
Or a spritz?
No, those are mixology terms.
That's why
I call it "love foam."
(groans)
That is horrific.
I'm sticking with juices.
Come on, what is it
with you guys?
Every week is the same thing.
Talk about a bodily function
and try to find a term for it.
It's getting redundant.
Well, Jenny and I don't have
to worry about the wet spot,
because she makes
me wear a condom.
ANDRE: Oh!
What? (laughs)
You're married.
We wear it for birth
control purposes.
Why doesn't she take the pill?
Because she's allergic to it.
They all say
they're allergic to it.
She's allergic to it.
She's allergic to it.
That's what they say,
"She's allergic to it."
She's "allergic."
All allergic to the pill.
She's allergic
to the pill, Ruxin!
Why don't you just man up, dude?
What do you to clean
up the wet spot?
Sofia makes me put a towel down.
Whoa, you showed her, buddy.
You guys are going
about this all wrong, okay?
You have to embrace
the wet spot.
Do what I do--
I sleep in it.
Like a pig who lives
in his own slop.
In this case, Meegan's slop.
Is the Andre and Meegan thing
gonna replace
the Pete and Kevin thing?
No, I look at it as an addition
to a beautiful house
that I'm building over time.
The real issue for me here is,
no one knows who's responsible
for this and who
should sleep in it.
Like, is it mostly
the guy's juices?
Or is mostly the women's stuff?
Well, are you having
multiple orgasms?
You mean, like,
we have sex multiple times?
No, I mean, how many times
do you come in a row
while you're having sex?
I come once.
Oh, like once for, like 45 minutes?
No, I have sex and
I come for, like,
two seconds, like, in a climax,
like a normal person.
Dude, that's grade school sex.
I'm out of here.
(groans)
45 minutes-- who has that time?
Oh, guess who came
into the office the other day.
Who?
Frank "The Body" Gibiatti.
(both groan)
Is he finally transitioning?
He's dating this Russian girl
and he wants
to get her boobs done.
He wants them bigger,
like a D cup.
And he wants them to have that
little, like, up-turn thing?
What is that thing? Wha...?
Ski jump?
Like, a scoop.
Oh, like a soup ladle.
He calls it "a Jacksonville
strip club waitress."
It's not bad.
That's pretty good.
Not bad, but that's too vague.
Guys, this game is awesome!
(laughs) I love it.
What are you guys talking about?
Oh, we were just talking
about that little uptick
on a woman's breast
and how to, uh...
What do you call...?
What to call the...
Come on, it's just pathetic.
Half pipe!
Yes. Yes.
That's good.
'Cause it comes...
Hola, Ruxin.
Taco Tuesday--
how do you like it?
More like Tetanus Tuesday.
I need my own personal meal.
What, you got a problem
with family style?
That's how we do it up here.
I don't want to dig
in the trough
with these hooved
stink sprinklers.
Oh, don't be such a wuss, man.
I spent six years in
a fraternity house, all right?
One time I took one of those
little marshmallow Peeps,
and I crinkled it up
into this tiny little ball,
and I shoved it up
a pledge's butt.
And then I made him
fart it into my mouth.
(laughs)
Taught him a lesson that day.
And they say that frat
guys are secretly gay.
Right?
(scoffs)
Look, I need my
own personal lunch.
Well, you can
forget that, amigo.
Because, unless you got
some sort of
no-kidding
dietary restriction,
like a religious problem
or some sort of wussy allergy,
it ain't happening.
Well, I am a...
(clears throat)
Jewish kosher person
and I need a kosher meal.
Whoa.
I knew you were Jewish,
but I didn't know you were,
like, Jewish Jewish.
What is that supposed to mean?
You know, like, uh, like, uh,
Jewish-Hanukkah Jewish.
Not like, you know,
Jewish-beard Jewish.
With all the internal
lawsuits that this law firm
has recently dealt with,
I would recommend that
you listen to my needs.
And let's never forget
what happened in Germany.
Oh, right, the company
retreat-- I get it!
Cash bar at the final dinner?
I thought the dollar
was strong against the Euro.
I thought I was doing
everybody a favor!
Well, you weren't.
All right.
You get a kosher meal.
Good.
Then...
let's consider this a shalom.
Shalom.
And super shalom.
Yeah, do it.
Uh, uh...
JENNY:
Wait a second.
Are you forgetting something?
Ah, the clitoris!
Mm, yes.
The jewel of the South.
Yes, yes.
Where are you, my little friend?
And a condom.
Aw, no, babe!
Really?
Seriously, Kevin?
Every time we have
to wear a condom?
Yes, every time
we have to wear a condom.
What if we just saw what
happens, play it by ear?
My ear can't get pregnant.
What if you drank caffeine
the entire pregnancy
and then just had
a very small manageable child?
Oh, my God, you just proved
why you're not father material.
I'm getting a condom.
Oh, really?
Oh, it's our last one.
Gonna have to buy some more.
I do not want to buy condoms.
It is, it is so embarrassing.
You don't feel
weird and embarrassed
when you go down that aisle?
No, I don't feel weird.
I-I buy your clothes.
This is just, like,
clothes for your dick.
So, get dressed.
It's like an itchy Christmas sweater.
Aw.
I just don't want to eat
family-style lunch
with these people.
They're not my family,
so why should I have
a "style" lunch with
a bunch of garbage monsters.
Ruxin, you're
pretending to be kosher.
I'm pretty sure
that sends you to Jewish hell.
No, I looked it up on Wikipedia.
There is no Jewish hell.
He shoots, he scores!
Whoa!
(laughs) Still undefeated!
Not bad, Taco.
You guys should consider
taking up the sport.
It's about we find something
we can all do together.
Taco, we all play
in a league together.
No, I mean, like,
a real group activity.
Something competitive.
All right, who's up next?
Not me. I'm out.
Nah, I'm good, thanks.
I'll play.
Why?
It's a mitzvah.
Plus, I'm gonna wing it
as hard as I can at his head.
All right, you start.
Whoa!
You're supposed to try
and get it in the hole.
I was--
the one above your shoulders.
Nowzick!
Frank the Body.
(groans) Gibiatti.
Oh, oh, hey!
What's going on?
Oh, what's going on?
I'll tell you.
We got some big problems.
You massacred my
girlfriend's titties.
What are you talking about?
Da! Da!
You know what that means?
That's Russian for "yeah."
"You messed up
my tits, dawg."
Look at this.
This one is perfect.
This one is dog shit.
And I'm bringing
this problem to you
because you're the quack
who underinflated her titties.
Oh, I think we have a bit of
a Deflategate scandal on our hands.
Yes.
We do not have
a Deflategate scandal, okay?
I assure you...
PETE: Well, hold on.
Let's see what kind of PSI
we got going here.
What are the standards?
Three to four pounds
per square inch.
Oh, do you measure them
or you just honk 'em?
I do not "honk" breasts.
I bet you honk dicks, though.
I never have honked a dick.
I don't honk breasts.
I am a professional,
and I can assure you
that her implants--
your implants-- are within
the proper guidelines.
You're a deflator.
Da.
All right?
Okay, maybe you're too rough with them.
Wha-- I am the most
gentle lover, bro,
I caress them...
I find that hard to believe.
How about I show you
a video right now, bro?
No...
Nobody wants to see a video, Frank.
14 seconds, I'm by myself.
Just watch it.
Oh, boy.
Hey, you know what?
People like
different inflations.
That's all. I like
a little under-deflated.
Yeah.
I'm-I'm-I'm like Aaron Rodgers.
I like to go overinflated,
myself.
Look, I apologize if
there's any misunderstanding...
Know what my lawyer's
doing right now?
Studying the Torah.
You know what he's
doing later on?
Suing your ass!
Da!
KEVIN: I don't want to buy the
condoms, babe. I can't do it.
All right, Kevin,
I will get the condoms.
Fine.
I'll get the razors.
Great.
Teamwork!
(sighs)
You're gonna buy
those cheap condoms?
(gasps)
I would go with these
if I were you.
You're Randall Cobb.
I am.
You are on my team.
That's fantasy.
Let's talk real life.
A unplanned baby?
That's real.
Uh, no.
No, my husband and I,
we are very smart
about these things.
RANDALL:
That guy?
He doesn't look smart
about anything.
I think you got
a baby daddy on your hands.
You do?
Does he ask for condom cheat days?
- Yeah. - Do you think having a baby
will fill a void for him?
- Yes. - Do you know where
your kitchen turkey baster is?
No.
Wow.
Oh, no!
What do I do?
Don't let him handle
the condoms before sex.
Really?
Yeah.
A lot of people are trying to
poke holes in 'em these days.
No!
Oh... oh!
Now I got you.
Now I got you.
Do you know that
you're my number one
wide receiver on my team?
Oh, really?
All the guys were, like,
totally slot-shaming me.
But it's, like, not fair at all,
'cause when the guys
have all kinds of slots,
they're players.
But when the girls do...
Double standard.
Yeah!
That's all right.
You're a confident woman.
Make your team as slotty
as you can get it.
I'm gonna do that, Randall Cobb.
Be slotty, but remember...
be safe.
Oh, got it!
♪ ♪
Ha-ha!
This is our best lunch ever!
Where is my kosher meal?
This is a callous disregard
for my religious beliefs.
I feel like I am
being persecuted
and I'm starving.
I had a regular
breakfast this morning,
but I worked out,
so it feels like
I didn't eat anything.
Take it easy, home team.
Isn't today Yom Kippur?
Aren't you
supposed to be fasting?
Yeah.
That's why I've got
such low blood sugar
and why I've just had
this justified outburst.
Shalom.
I'm so hungry.
Wow.
Cut the crap, Ruxin, all right?
Everybody knows
you're not kosher.
I'm very kosher.
Are you kidding?
I'm giving you the out!
Take the out!
And I appreciate that,
but my religion prohibits...
Oh, you know what?
Enough!
It doesn't matter anyway.
You know why?
This firm is about to land
a major client,
Rabbi Shtotelman.
His family, uh, created
the perforation of matzo.
Anyway, they're suing
to protect their IP.
You are gonna keep being
super Jewish and land this guy.
Well, I will help you,
as a member of this firm,
to land Rabbi Shtotelman.
Yes!
But, as a devout Jew...
Enough.
You got bacon bits
on your face, man.
Give it a rest.
(Kevin and Jenny
moaning in pleasure)
JENNY:
Oh, God!
Good job!
Yeah, you did so good.
(exhales)
That was good.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Uh, I just want to
be close to you, babe.
Why? We just had sex.
Just move over.
I have no room.
No, babe, I'm...
Go, go, go!
(laughing):
Stop, stop, stop!
Stop it...
Oh!
Kevin...
what is that?
Did you pee?
I didn't pee.
That is a wet spot.
I don't know how that got there.
Randall Cobb was right!
You poked holes in this condom,
didn't you?
What do you mean, Randall Cobb?
When did-- where did
you see Randall Cobb?
I was talking to him
at the drugstore...
Are you kidding me?
You met Randall Cobb
and you didn't introduce me?
Oh, I'm sorry.
You were slightly occupied
when your hand was
trapped in that case
like a bear trap.
Randall Cobb told me
that you had baby daddy drama
written all over you.
Randall Cobb doesn't know
what's written
all over me, okay?
Because I wore a condom.
I did.
I dressed up my dick
and I tied my dick laces
in double knots.
Kevin...
All right? There.
Where did you get these?
I don't know.
My freshman orientation package.
God, how old are these, Kev...
Kevin, these were made
in Yugoslavia.
The good old days.
They were made in a country
that doesn't even
exist anymore, Kevin.
Oh, so now I'm to blame
for the fall of Communism?
What happened to the box
I bought you?
I tried to open them,
but I couldn't get
the cellophane open, babe.
Look at these things.
I was pawing at them, but
then a piece of cellophane
got caught in
the back of my throat
'cause I huffed it in...
You tell me
what's harder, Kevin,
opening a box of condoms
or raising a third child?
Harder for whom?
Unbelievable.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wet spots!
Wet spots everywhere!
(laughs)
Yeah, Kevin.
Wet spots everywhere!
Oh...
Ew...
♪ ♪
I'm fine with not
having any more kids,
I just don't want
to wear condoms.
And I don't want any
baby daddy drama with him,
so we decided we need to come up
with a final solution.
As a Jew,
I don't love that term,
but when in regards
to Kevin's sperm, it works.
If, at the end of the season,
I have a better record,
she's gonna get her tubes tied.
When, at the end of the season,
I have a better record,
ol' Smoke Crotch over here
gets snipped.
Well, I just want
to say thank you
for not bringing any more
of your genetically diminished
children into this world.
Well, that's it.
Gibiatti actually
served me papers.
He's suing me
over these implants.
You know, he may have a case.
I did nothing to tamper
with those implants.
Andre, you've been caught
taping your rivals' surgeries.
(ringtone playing)
Not funny. Shut up for a second.
Yeah. Uh-huh?
Right.
No, I will not...
Andre!
Tell us what's happening!
I'm on the phone with my lawyer.
Please...
Put it on speakerphone!
We're lawyers, too!
Hold on, hold on.
Yeah, yeah.
Go again. What do you got?
Look at the cut-off hoodie.
The scowl?
Andre is G-dash-D
Bill Belichick.
I'm not giving up my phone.
I'll destroy it for you.
'Cause I have pictures on there.
And it also has
all my slam lists.
He look likes Belichick.
But he's talking like Tom Brady.
I think he looks more like the
courtroom sketches of Brady.
Yeah, well, I'm not settling.
What?
(people chattering, whooping,
drums playing)
What is going on out there?
The neighbors having a party?
Yeah...
Jews don't do the outdoors.
Ah!
Missed!
What are you doing, Taco?
Who are these people?
Started my own
bean bag toss league.
Who needs to play at the bar
when you can play
in a public park?
This is our backyard.
This is so much better.
At the bar, there's always
a lineup for the bathroom.
Here, you just go
wherever you want.
No, you don't go
wherever you want.
No, you don't just go
wherever you want, guys!
Kevin, be a good host.
Let him finish.
Who's next?
Pete...
Oh! Uh...
Wait, wait, wait.
Where did you get this?
Oh, I've been practicing
with those all week.
I got them from the bean bag
closet in your office.
No, no, no, no, no no.
These are breast implants.
I don't care what you do
with your bean bags.
Taco is the deflater!
All right, everyone
in the hot tub!
There hasn't been poop
in there in over a year.
RUXIN: Rabbi Shtotelman, Mrs.
Shtotelman,
thank you so much
for having me over
for Shabbos.
And Mrs. Shtotelman,
what a beautiful meal it is.
What a celebration
of delicious starches
and earth-toned foods.
(laughter)
Oh.
Thank you, Sven, yeah.
Don't mind him.
He's our Shabbos goy.
Shabbos goy, huh?
Yeah. You know,
the lights and the oven.
Turns it off and on.
Of course.
We can't use electricity,
so we have a non-Jew present
to take care of those
responsibilities for us.
You have a Shabbos goy.
Of course I have a Shabbos goy,
but I don't actually use one
unless it's an emergency.
Oh, sweetheart.
Can you pass the applesauce?
Of course.
(phone buzzes)
(whispering):
My QB.
I will get that for you, sir.
What?
Oh.
Oh, thanks, Sven.
Absolutely, sir,
it is my pleasure.
As it was, I'm sure, getting
that Hitler Youth haircut.
You know, I'm going to be honest, Rabbi.
Hmm?
I'm having a little bit
of Shabbos goy envy.
If it's okay, Sven,
would you mind
scrolling through my phone
and calling my Shabbos goy?
Absolutely, sir.
Uh, the name is Taco,
but it will be under
an emoji of an eggplant.
LIBBY (breathless):
Oh, yeah. Isn't this good?
It's... it's pretty good.
Yeah.
I, uh...
And what about this?
Oh! Okay.
Oh, yes!
You know what?
You cannot always move
all the action
to my side of the bed.
That's encroachment.
What about the
middle of the bed?
Like, neutral zone?
Not your side,
not my side...
Yeah, but then we're both
playing on a sloppy field.
Yeah, that's a good point.
It's like, uh...
Couch?
Ah...
I feel like couch is
harder to clean than
even sheets, you
know what I mean?
This is a tough one.
Mm-hmm.
(gasps softly)
I got it.
Oh...
Oh, yeah...
The floor!
The answer to all
of our problems.
Right?
You're a genius.
You're like a sexy
Einstein, man.
(pounding at door)
You know how to get me going.
Uh, who is it?
It's Francis Gibiatti!
Oh, Frank "The Body."
Uh, it's open!
It's open?
Well, I mean, technically,
it's broken, but...
I don't like to announce it.
PETE:
Hey!
You're in a lot
of trouble, dawg.
Speak English?
Yeah.
Hard pass.
Is Andre using breast
implants to play Cornhole?
Yeah.
That dude is using
underinflated titties.
Okay? And you're gonna testify
on my behalf
against your scumbag friend
Nowzick. Fact!
You are gonna stand
on that bench
and point at your
friend and say,
"Your Honor,
he did it."
Then Andre is going to spend
the next ten to 15 years...
with a lot of dicks in his butt.
That guy is going to be
Old Country Buffet in jail.
He's gonna have a sneeze guard
around his asshole.
I don't understand why
you need me to testify.
Dude, come on, man.
I need you on this one, Pete.
You know, I'm not so sure
I want to do that, honestly.
You're gonna do it!
Da!
Whoa...
Oh!
My angel!
If she broke her back,
I swear to God
I will leave her here.
(sniffs)
Did you two have sex
on the floor?
We had sex in the bed, too.
Yeah, okay, well, guess what.
Now you're getting sued, too.
I don't really own that much.
And besides,
that was mostly her.
Excuse me?
Oh, please, buddy.
I was not that excited.
Oh, are you kidding me?
You were juicin' it up, sister.
So now we're back
to the juice thing?
Well, we need a better word.
We haven't found it yet.
Yeah, it's called
"brine."
Ew.
Yeah.
Because it's salty
and it tenderizes meat.
And you are so lucky
that it's Shabbos.
Otherwise, my lawyer
would be here right now,
suing your ass...
(women yelp) Whoa!
(Frank and girlfriend groaning)
We had sex twice.
Yeah.
So my great-grandfather,
he put in these perforations,
and then that is what
was brought back here
and that is why you know the matzo as...
TACO: Aloha!
I am the Shabbos guy.
Shabbos goy, Taco.
Aloha.
(laughs)
Whoo! Aloha.
Love the tuque, dude.
Whoo!
What a handsome
young Shabbos goy.
(giggles) All right.
How can I help you Jews out?
RUXIN:
Well, Sven is not Jewish,
but, Sven, you can start
by giving Taco my phone.
As you wish, sir.
Actually, we could use some help
with the serving platters, Taco.
Oh.
Well, I was recently surfing
on the Big Island
of the Promised Land
and I learned how to make poi.
Oh, that sounds exciting.
Mm-hmm.
Sven, dishes.
Right away, ma'am.
I will be helping out
with dessert...
in the kitchen.
Hmm.
Rabbi, if you could
excuse me for a moment,
one of my Torah studies scholars
was recently injured
and I need to replace him
on my... team.
Excuse me for a moment.
TACO:
What can I do for you, Ruspin?
(muttering):
Just get on the waiver wire
and find me a new quarterback.
Let's do this.
Uh... Nick Toon.
He's a wide receiver, Taco.
Dan Carpenter.
He's a kicker.
Are you having another stroke?
I'm about to.
"DraftKings:
free games, huge prizes."
Quit playing around, you idiot.
(sighs) This is a very
complicated religion.
If you're looking
for a Torah studies scholar,
Benjamin Schlomovitz.
He's the best.
Hmm, I'm looking
at your team, Ruxin,
and I'm not seeing
a Schlomovitz.
But I am seeing a LeSean McCoy.
LeSean McCoy?
LeSean McCoy, actually, uh,
was a very important member
of the Philadelphia
Jewish community
and, then, for some reason,
they let him go,
and now he's part of
the Buffalo Jewish community.
Uh, it's a very important
congregation
led by a new rabbi there,
Rex Ryanstein, who loves feet.
Of Torah study.
McCoy?
Yeah.
That sounds Gentile.
It sounds very Gentile to me.
We should drop him.
Drop him.
No, don't drop him.
Drop him.
Don't drop him, Taco.
We want only Jews on this team.
Dropping him.
No, Taco!
Just go to the kitchen.
Jesus Christ.
Superstar.
Play probably written by a Jew.
Yes, master.
What are you doing
on your phone?
I am fixing
my fantasy football lineup.
That is not allowed
on the Sabbath.
If fantasy football
had been around
when the Torah was written,
it would have been allowed.
Cain and Abel would have
killed each other
on the virtual gridiron.
Abraham and Isaac would've been
on a father-son team together.
I mean, think of
the possibilities
of amazing team names.
"Reggie and the Burning Bush"
would've worked
for biblical reasons
but also because he was dating
Kim Kardashian
and it would have been
an amazing STD joke.
You are a shame to your people
and to your religion.
Fantasy football
is my religion.
Nothing brings me
greater spiritual enlightenment
than picturing me taking
my big, fat donger
that is my team
and slapping it
in my friends' face,
dropping loads on them
like manna from heaven.
Sunday is my Sabbath.
And Mondays and Thursdays
and Saturdays in December, baby.
Get the hell out of my house!
Get the hell out of my house!
Oh... oh...
Taco!
What the hell are you doing?
Well, you can't.
It's the Sabbath.
I'm gonna kill you!
Aloha...
Aloha!
Sven, you got a wet spot
over here.
MRS. SHTOTELMAN:
Oopsie.
a
a
Yes!
Yeah.
Ah!
Ooh.
Thank you.
Are you kidding me?
No, thank you.
Ha, well, I'm a giver.
Yeah, you are.
(groans)
Wet spot.
Hey!
Hey.
You switched sides?
Uh, you know, my phone charger
only works on this side,
so this is kind of my spot.
Your spot?
Yeah.
You sure you're not trying
to avoid this spot?
I mean, that's cool with me.
I don't have a problem
with, you know, like,
your excretions and stuff.
Wow! You make it sound
like it's a sea urchin!
Wait, oh, okay, um...
juices?
And now it's a breakfast buffet?
What do you want me to say?
I don't know!
That's definitely you.
Hold on a second here.
If we're talking
about the "us cocktail,"
I think we're talking
90% Libby with a ten percent
Pete floater, tops.
A Pete floater?
Oh, yeah.
Okay, well, then, Pete?
Mm-hmm.
Why don't you float
back over here?
I ain't float... I'm not floating on that.
Oh, yeah, you can.
You can do it. Oh, come on.
Why...?
I know you can, I know.
I don't want the wet spot!
You know what?
Oh, you love that juice cocktail.
Oh, man, you're
lucky I like you a ton.
(grunts) Floating on my floater.
Juices? Oh, no! No!
No, no, no.
What's wrong with that?
What are you gonna call it?
How about bitters?
Or a spritz?
No, those are mixology terms.
That's why
I call it "love foam."
(groans)
That is horrific.
I'm sticking with juices.
Come on, what is it
with you guys?
Every week is the same thing.
Talk about a bodily function
and try to find a term for it.
It's getting redundant.
Well, Jenny and I don't have
to worry about the wet spot,
because she makes
me wear a condom.
ANDRE: Oh!
What? (laughs)
You're married.
We wear it for birth
control purposes.
Why doesn't she take the pill?
Because she's allergic to it.
They all say
they're allergic to it.
She's allergic to it.
She's allergic to it.
That's what they say,
"She's allergic to it."
She's "allergic."
All allergic to the pill.
She's allergic
to the pill, Ruxin!
Why don't you just man up, dude?
What do you to clean
up the wet spot?
Sofia makes me put a towel down.
Whoa, you showed her, buddy.
You guys are going
about this all wrong, okay?
You have to embrace
the wet spot.
Do what I do--
I sleep in it.
Like a pig who lives
in his own slop.
In this case, Meegan's slop.
Is the Andre and Meegan thing
gonna replace
the Pete and Kevin thing?
No, I look at it as an addition
to a beautiful house
that I'm building over time.
The real issue for me here is,
no one knows who's responsible
for this and who
should sleep in it.
Like, is it mostly
the guy's juices?
Or is mostly the women's stuff?
Well, are you having
multiple orgasms?
You mean, like,
we have sex multiple times?
No, I mean, how many times
do you come in a row
while you're having sex?
I come once.
Oh, like once for, like 45 minutes?
No, I have sex and
I come for, like,
two seconds, like, in a climax,
like a normal person.
Dude, that's grade school sex.
I'm out of here.
(groans)
45 minutes-- who has that time?
Oh, guess who came
into the office the other day.
Who?
Frank "The Body" Gibiatti.
(both groan)
Is he finally transitioning?
He's dating this Russian girl
and he wants
to get her boobs done.
He wants them bigger,
like a D cup.
And he wants them to have that
little, like, up-turn thing?
What is that thing? Wha...?
Ski jump?
Like, a scoop.
Oh, like a soup ladle.
He calls it "a Jacksonville
strip club waitress."
It's not bad.
That's pretty good.
Not bad, but that's too vague.
Guys, this game is awesome!
(laughs) I love it.
What are you guys talking about?
Oh, we were just talking
about that little uptick
on a woman's breast
and how to, uh...
What do you call...?
What to call the...
Come on, it's just pathetic.
Half pipe!
Yes. Yes.
That's good.
'Cause it comes...
Hola, Ruxin.
Taco Tuesday--
how do you like it?
More like Tetanus Tuesday.
I need my own personal meal.
What, you got a problem
with family style?
That's how we do it up here.
I don't want to dig
in the trough
with these hooved
stink sprinklers.
Oh, don't be such a wuss, man.
I spent six years in
a fraternity house, all right?
One time I took one of those
little marshmallow Peeps,
and I crinkled it up
into this tiny little ball,
and I shoved it up
a pledge's butt.
And then I made him
fart it into my mouth.
(laughs)
Taught him a lesson that day.
And they say that frat
guys are secretly gay.
Right?
(scoffs)
Look, I need my
own personal lunch.
Well, you can
forget that, amigo.
Because, unless you got
some sort of
no-kidding
dietary restriction,
like a religious problem
or some sort of wussy allergy,
it ain't happening.
Well, I am a...
(clears throat)
Jewish kosher person
and I need a kosher meal.
Whoa.
I knew you were Jewish,
but I didn't know you were,
like, Jewish Jewish.
What is that supposed to mean?
You know, like, uh, like, uh,
Jewish-Hanukkah Jewish.
Not like, you know,
Jewish-beard Jewish.
With all the internal
lawsuits that this law firm
has recently dealt with,
I would recommend that
you listen to my needs.
And let's never forget
what happened in Germany.
Oh, right, the company
retreat-- I get it!
Cash bar at the final dinner?
I thought the dollar
was strong against the Euro.
I thought I was doing
everybody a favor!
Well, you weren't.
All right.
You get a kosher meal.
Good.
Then...
let's consider this a shalom.
Shalom.
And super shalom.
Yeah, do it.
Uh, uh...
JENNY:
Wait a second.
Are you forgetting something?
Ah, the clitoris!
Mm, yes.
The jewel of the South.
Yes, yes.
Where are you, my little friend?
And a condom.
Aw, no, babe!
Really?
Seriously, Kevin?
Every time we have
to wear a condom?
Yes, every time
we have to wear a condom.
What if we just saw what
happens, play it by ear?
My ear can't get pregnant.
What if you drank caffeine
the entire pregnancy
and then just had
a very small manageable child?
Oh, my God, you just proved
why you're not father material.
I'm getting a condom.
Oh, really?
Oh, it's our last one.
Gonna have to buy some more.
I do not want to buy condoms.
It is, it is so embarrassing.
You don't feel
weird and embarrassed
when you go down that aisle?
No, I don't feel weird.
I-I buy your clothes.
This is just, like,
clothes for your dick.
So, get dressed.
It's like an itchy Christmas sweater.
Aw.
I just don't want to eat
family-style lunch
with these people.
They're not my family,
so why should I have
a "style" lunch with
a bunch of garbage monsters.
Ruxin, you're
pretending to be kosher.
I'm pretty sure
that sends you to Jewish hell.
No, I looked it up on Wikipedia.
There is no Jewish hell.
He shoots, he scores!
Whoa!
(laughs) Still undefeated!
Not bad, Taco.
You guys should consider
taking up the sport.
It's about we find something
we can all do together.
Taco, we all play
in a league together.
No, I mean, like,
a real group activity.
Something competitive.
All right, who's up next?
Not me. I'm out.
Nah, I'm good, thanks.
I'll play.
Why?
It's a mitzvah.
Plus, I'm gonna wing it
as hard as I can at his head.
All right, you start.
Whoa!
You're supposed to try
and get it in the hole.
I was--
the one above your shoulders.
Nowzick!
Frank the Body.
(groans) Gibiatti.
Oh, oh, hey!
What's going on?
Oh, what's going on?
I'll tell you.
We got some big problems.
You massacred my
girlfriend's titties.
What are you talking about?
Da! Da!
You know what that means?
That's Russian for "yeah."
"You messed up
my tits, dawg."
Look at this.
This one is perfect.
This one is dog shit.
And I'm bringing
this problem to you
because you're the quack
who underinflated her titties.
Oh, I think we have a bit of
a Deflategate scandal on our hands.
Yes.
We do not have
a Deflategate scandal, okay?
I assure you...
PETE: Well, hold on.
Let's see what kind of PSI
we got going here.
What are the standards?
Three to four pounds
per square inch.
Oh, do you measure them
or you just honk 'em?
I do not "honk" breasts.
I bet you honk dicks, though.
I never have honked a dick.
I don't honk breasts.
I am a professional,
and I can assure you
that her implants--
your implants-- are within
the proper guidelines.
You're a deflator.
Da.
All right?
Okay, maybe you're too rough with them.
Wha-- I am the most
gentle lover, bro,
I caress them...
I find that hard to believe.
How about I show you
a video right now, bro?
No...
Nobody wants to see a video, Frank.
14 seconds, I'm by myself.
Just watch it.
Oh, boy.
Hey, you know what?
People like
different inflations.
That's all. I like
a little under-deflated.
Yeah.
I'm-I'm-I'm like Aaron Rodgers.
I like to go overinflated,
myself.
Look, I apologize if
there's any misunderstanding...
Know what my lawyer's
doing right now?
Studying the Torah.
You know what he's
doing later on?
Suing your ass!
Da!
KEVIN: I don't want to buy the
condoms, babe. I can't do it.
All right, Kevin,
I will get the condoms.
Fine.
I'll get the razors.
Great.
Teamwork!
(sighs)
You're gonna buy
those cheap condoms?
(gasps)
I would go with these
if I were you.
You're Randall Cobb.
I am.
You are on my team.
That's fantasy.
Let's talk real life.
A unplanned baby?
That's real.
Uh, no.
No, my husband and I,
we are very smart
about these things.
RANDALL:
That guy?
He doesn't look smart
about anything.
I think you got
a baby daddy on your hands.
You do?
Does he ask for condom cheat days?
- Yeah. - Do you think having a baby
will fill a void for him?
- Yes. - Do you know where
your kitchen turkey baster is?
No.
Wow.
Oh, no!
What do I do?
Don't let him handle
the condoms before sex.
Really?
Yeah.
A lot of people are trying to
poke holes in 'em these days.
No!
Oh... oh!
Now I got you.
Now I got you.
Do you know that
you're my number one
wide receiver on my team?
Oh, really?
All the guys were, like,
totally slot-shaming me.
But it's, like, not fair at all,
'cause when the guys
have all kinds of slots,
they're players.
But when the girls do...
Double standard.
Yeah!
That's all right.
You're a confident woman.
Make your team as slotty
as you can get it.
I'm gonna do that, Randall Cobb.
Be slotty, but remember...
be safe.
Oh, got it!
♪ ♪
Ha-ha!
This is our best lunch ever!
Where is my kosher meal?
This is a callous disregard
for my religious beliefs.
I feel like I am
being persecuted
and I'm starving.
I had a regular
breakfast this morning,
but I worked out,
so it feels like
I didn't eat anything.
Take it easy, home team.
Isn't today Yom Kippur?
Aren't you
supposed to be fasting?
Yeah.
That's why I've got
such low blood sugar
and why I've just had
this justified outburst.
Shalom.
I'm so hungry.
Wow.
Cut the crap, Ruxin, all right?
Everybody knows
you're not kosher.
I'm very kosher.
Are you kidding?
I'm giving you the out!
Take the out!
And I appreciate that,
but my religion prohibits...
Oh, you know what?
Enough!
It doesn't matter anyway.
You know why?
This firm is about to land
a major client,
Rabbi Shtotelman.
His family, uh, created
the perforation of matzo.
Anyway, they're suing
to protect their IP.
You are gonna keep being
super Jewish and land this guy.
Well, I will help you,
as a member of this firm,
to land Rabbi Shtotelman.
Yes!
But, as a devout Jew...
Enough.
You got bacon bits
on your face, man.
Give it a rest.
(Kevin and Jenny
moaning in pleasure)
JENNY:
Oh, God!
Good job!
Yeah, you did so good.
(exhales)
That was good.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Uh, I just want to
be close to you, babe.
Why? We just had sex.
Just move over.
I have no room.
No, babe, I'm...
Go, go, go!
(laughing):
Stop, stop, stop!
Stop it...
Oh!
Kevin...
what is that?
Did you pee?
I didn't pee.
That is a wet spot.
I don't know how that got there.
Randall Cobb was right!
You poked holes in this condom,
didn't you?
What do you mean, Randall Cobb?
When did-- where did
you see Randall Cobb?
I was talking to him
at the drugstore...
Are you kidding me?
You met Randall Cobb
and you didn't introduce me?
Oh, I'm sorry.
You were slightly occupied
when your hand was
trapped in that case
like a bear trap.
Randall Cobb told me
that you had baby daddy drama
written all over you.
Randall Cobb doesn't know
what's written
all over me, okay?
Because I wore a condom.
I did.
I dressed up my dick
and I tied my dick laces
in double knots.
Kevin...
All right? There.
Where did you get these?
I don't know.
My freshman orientation package.
God, how old are these, Kev...
Kevin, these were made
in Yugoslavia.
The good old days.
They were made in a country
that doesn't even
exist anymore, Kevin.
Oh, so now I'm to blame
for the fall of Communism?
What happened to the box
I bought you?
I tried to open them,
but I couldn't get
the cellophane open, babe.
Look at these things.
I was pawing at them, but
then a piece of cellophane
got caught in
the back of my throat
'cause I huffed it in...
You tell me
what's harder, Kevin,
opening a box of condoms
or raising a third child?
Harder for whom?
Unbelievable.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wet spots!
Wet spots everywhere!
(laughs)
Yeah, Kevin.
Wet spots everywhere!
Oh...
Ew...
♪ ♪
I'm fine with not
having any more kids,
I just don't want
to wear condoms.
And I don't want any
baby daddy drama with him,
so we decided we need to come up
with a final solution.
As a Jew,
I don't love that term,
but when in regards
to Kevin's sperm, it works.
If, at the end of the season,
I have a better record,
she's gonna get her tubes tied.
When, at the end of the season,
I have a better record,
ol' Smoke Crotch over here
gets snipped.
Well, I just want
to say thank you
for not bringing any more
of your genetically diminished
children into this world.
Well, that's it.
Gibiatti actually
served me papers.
He's suing me
over these implants.
You know, he may have a case.
I did nothing to tamper
with those implants.
Andre, you've been caught
taping your rivals' surgeries.
(ringtone playing)
Not funny. Shut up for a second.
Yeah. Uh-huh?
Right.
No, I will not...
Andre!
Tell us what's happening!
I'm on the phone with my lawyer.
Please...
Put it on speakerphone!
We're lawyers, too!
Hold on, hold on.
Yeah, yeah.
Go again. What do you got?
Look at the cut-off hoodie.
The scowl?
Andre is G-dash-D
Bill Belichick.
I'm not giving up my phone.
I'll destroy it for you.
'Cause I have pictures on there.
And it also has
all my slam lists.
He look likes Belichick.
But he's talking like Tom Brady.
I think he looks more like the
courtroom sketches of Brady.
Yeah, well, I'm not settling.
What?
(people chattering, whooping,
drums playing)
What is going on out there?
The neighbors having a party?
Yeah...
Jews don't do the outdoors.
Ah!
Missed!
What are you doing, Taco?
Who are these people?
Started my own
bean bag toss league.
Who needs to play at the bar
when you can play
in a public park?
This is our backyard.
This is so much better.
At the bar, there's always
a lineup for the bathroom.
Here, you just go
wherever you want.
No, you don't go
wherever you want.
No, you don't just go
wherever you want, guys!
Kevin, be a good host.
Let him finish.
Who's next?
Pete...
Oh! Uh...
Wait, wait, wait.
Where did you get this?
Oh, I've been practicing
with those all week.
I got them from the bean bag
closet in your office.
No, no, no, no, no no.
These are breast implants.
I don't care what you do
with your bean bags.
Taco is the deflater!
All right, everyone
in the hot tub!
There hasn't been poop
in there in over a year.
RUXIN: Rabbi Shtotelman, Mrs.
Shtotelman,
thank you so much
for having me over
for Shabbos.
And Mrs. Shtotelman,
what a beautiful meal it is.
What a celebration
of delicious starches
and earth-toned foods.
(laughter)
Oh.
Thank you, Sven, yeah.
Don't mind him.
He's our Shabbos goy.
Shabbos goy, huh?
Yeah. You know,
the lights and the oven.
Turns it off and on.
Of course.
We can't use electricity,
so we have a non-Jew present
to take care of those
responsibilities for us.
You have a Shabbos goy.
Of course I have a Shabbos goy,
but I don't actually use one
unless it's an emergency.
Oh, sweetheart.
Can you pass the applesauce?
Of course.
(phone buzzes)
(whispering):
My QB.
I will get that for you, sir.
What?
Oh.
Oh, thanks, Sven.
Absolutely, sir,
it is my pleasure.
As it was, I'm sure, getting
that Hitler Youth haircut.
You know, I'm going to be honest, Rabbi.
Hmm?
I'm having a little bit
of Shabbos goy envy.
If it's okay, Sven,
would you mind
scrolling through my phone
and calling my Shabbos goy?
Absolutely, sir.
Uh, the name is Taco,
but it will be under
an emoji of an eggplant.
LIBBY (breathless):
Oh, yeah. Isn't this good?
It's... it's pretty good.
Yeah.
I, uh...
And what about this?
Oh! Okay.
Oh, yes!
You know what?
You cannot always move
all the action
to my side of the bed.
That's encroachment.
What about the
middle of the bed?
Like, neutral zone?
Not your side,
not my side...
Yeah, but then we're both
playing on a sloppy field.
Yeah, that's a good point.
It's like, uh...
Couch?
Ah...
I feel like couch is
harder to clean than
even sheets, you
know what I mean?
This is a tough one.
Mm-hmm.
(gasps softly)
I got it.
Oh...
Oh, yeah...
The floor!
The answer to all
of our problems.
Right?
You're a genius.
You're like a sexy
Einstein, man.
(pounding at door)
You know how to get me going.
Uh, who is it?
It's Francis Gibiatti!
Oh, Frank "The Body."
Uh, it's open!
It's open?
Well, I mean, technically,
it's broken, but...
I don't like to announce it.
PETE:
Hey!
You're in a lot
of trouble, dawg.
Speak English?
Yeah.
Hard pass.
Is Andre using breast
implants to play Cornhole?
Yeah.
That dude is using
underinflated titties.
Okay? And you're gonna testify
on my behalf
against your scumbag friend
Nowzick. Fact!
You are gonna stand
on that bench
and point at your
friend and say,
"Your Honor,
he did it."
Then Andre is going to spend
the next ten to 15 years...
with a lot of dicks in his butt.
That guy is going to be
Old Country Buffet in jail.
He's gonna have a sneeze guard
around his asshole.
I don't understand why
you need me to testify.
Dude, come on, man.
I need you on this one, Pete.
You know, I'm not so sure
I want to do that, honestly.
You're gonna do it!
Da!
Whoa...
Oh!
My angel!
If she broke her back,
I swear to God
I will leave her here.
(sniffs)
Did you two have sex
on the floor?
We had sex in the bed, too.
Yeah, okay, well, guess what.
Now you're getting sued, too.
I don't really own that much.
And besides,
that was mostly her.
Excuse me?
Oh, please, buddy.
I was not that excited.
Oh, are you kidding me?
You were juicin' it up, sister.
So now we're back
to the juice thing?
Well, we need a better word.
We haven't found it yet.
Yeah, it's called
"brine."
Ew.
Yeah.
Because it's salty
and it tenderizes meat.
And you are so lucky
that it's Shabbos.
Otherwise, my lawyer
would be here right now,
suing your ass...
(women yelp) Whoa!
(Frank and girlfriend groaning)
We had sex twice.
Yeah.
So my great-grandfather,
he put in these perforations,
and then that is what
was brought back here
and that is why you know the matzo as...
TACO: Aloha!
I am the Shabbos guy.
Shabbos goy, Taco.
Aloha.
(laughs)
Whoo! Aloha.
Love the tuque, dude.
Whoo!
What a handsome
young Shabbos goy.
(giggles) All right.
How can I help you Jews out?
RUXIN:
Well, Sven is not Jewish,
but, Sven, you can start
by giving Taco my phone.
As you wish, sir.
Actually, we could use some help
with the serving platters, Taco.
Oh.
Well, I was recently surfing
on the Big Island
of the Promised Land
and I learned how to make poi.
Oh, that sounds exciting.
Mm-hmm.
Sven, dishes.
Right away, ma'am.
I will be helping out
with dessert...
in the kitchen.
Hmm.
Rabbi, if you could
excuse me for a moment,
one of my Torah studies scholars
was recently injured
and I need to replace him
on my... team.
Excuse me for a moment.
TACO:
What can I do for you, Ruspin?
(muttering):
Just get on the waiver wire
and find me a new quarterback.
Let's do this.
Uh... Nick Toon.
He's a wide receiver, Taco.
Dan Carpenter.
He's a kicker.
Are you having another stroke?
I'm about to.
"DraftKings:
free games, huge prizes."
Quit playing around, you idiot.
(sighs) This is a very
complicated religion.
If you're looking
for a Torah studies scholar,
Benjamin Schlomovitz.
He's the best.
Hmm, I'm looking
at your team, Ruxin,
and I'm not seeing
a Schlomovitz.
But I am seeing a LeSean McCoy.
LeSean McCoy?
LeSean McCoy, actually, uh,
was a very important member
of the Philadelphia
Jewish community
and, then, for some reason,
they let him go,
and now he's part of
the Buffalo Jewish community.
Uh, it's a very important
congregation
led by a new rabbi there,
Rex Ryanstein, who loves feet.
Of Torah study.
McCoy?
Yeah.
That sounds Gentile.
It sounds very Gentile to me.
We should drop him.
Drop him.
No, don't drop him.
Drop him.
Don't drop him, Taco.
We want only Jews on this team.
Dropping him.
No, Taco!
Just go to the kitchen.
Jesus Christ.
Superstar.
Play probably written by a Jew.
Yes, master.
What are you doing
on your phone?
I am fixing
my fantasy football lineup.
That is not allowed
on the Sabbath.
If fantasy football
had been around
when the Torah was written,
it would have been allowed.
Cain and Abel would have
killed each other
on the virtual gridiron.
Abraham and Isaac would've been
on a father-son team together.
I mean, think of
the possibilities
of amazing team names.
"Reggie and the Burning Bush"
would've worked
for biblical reasons
but also because he was dating
Kim Kardashian
and it would have been
an amazing STD joke.
You are a shame to your people
and to your religion.
Fantasy football
is my religion.
Nothing brings me
greater spiritual enlightenment
than picturing me taking
my big, fat donger
that is my team
and slapping it
in my friends' face,
dropping loads on them
like manna from heaven.
Sunday is my Sabbath.
And Mondays and Thursdays
and Saturdays in December, baby.
Get the hell out of my house!
Get the hell out of my house!
Oh... oh...
Taco!
What the hell are you doing?
Well, you can't.
It's the Sabbath.
I'm gonna kill you!
Aloha...
Aloha!
Sven, you got a wet spot
over here.
MRS. SHTOTELMAN:
Oopsie.
a
a