The League (2009–2015): Season 7, Episode 3 - The Blind Spot - full transcript

College football is fine,

but, next week, the NFL
finally begins. Praise Shiva!

And we can be watching
the games right here

in Casa de Ruxin because Baby Geoffrey
and Sofia are in Puerto Rico,

which means I have the illest,

chillest, most maxed-out
to the relaxin' bachelor pad

in the history
of football, bros.

I would like to throw my
oxblood fedora into the ring.

If you guys want
to watch a great game

at a place that is on fleek,

you need to come
to my new condo.



Meegan and I would
love to have you.

Yeah. How do you feel
about that, Pete?

You want to go watch
the games at Andre's?

The NFL season is upon us.
Don't have time to hate.

Andre can't be in
love with Meegan

and Shiva at the same time.

So let bygones be bygones.

Thank you.

That's the chill atmosphere

that we create at Casa de Ruxin.
Ow!

That was my toe!
Ow.

Oh, God. Oh!
Why do you always... Oh!

I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry.

Good job. Good job.



Hello?

Rodney, we talked about this.
Be respectful of the house.

We're taking great care
of the house, I promise.

And, uh,
we're having a nice time.

A very chill time.

Respect your body, too.
Stay away from the chips.

Eat those carrot sticks I got you.
Oh, um, these are carrots.

It just looks like Doritos
from the angle.

Keep the house clean.

Love you.
Love you.

Bye.
What angle?

It's this, like,
very chill thing that we did.

With Sofia being away,
she wanted to make sure

that all the security

in the house was good,
so she put some cameras up.

Nanny cam kind of things.
- What? You're on, like,

Big Brother without
the sloppy sex and the racism.

Yeah. It's pretty fun.

Oh. Hey, babe.

Rodney, tell your friends to keep
their feet off the coffee table.

Take your feet
off the coffee table.

But, like, in a
chill way, right?

And the coasters are there
for a reason. Use 'em.

Oh, of course we're using
the coasters. Put the coaster...

What?

And I'm seeing
a lot of junk food.

That's a lot of sodium.

We're using
the healthy stuff now.

No, no, getting rid
No, I'm not done.

of the bad snacks.
I'm not done.

Uh-uh. We're all good.

And...
Let me have 'em.

Don't...

What was that?
That was the next door neighbor's dog,

but don't worry.
I just Tasered him. He's dead.

Okay. I love you, babe.
I love you, too.

I'm watching you.
Mwah, mwah. Bye-bye.

Very chill, very relaxed,
bro'd-out vibe.

Hmm!

Babe?
Yeah.

Lookie what I found. Huh?

This is gonna look
really good on you.

I want to see you in this
and nothing else.

Daddy like.

That's great, Daddy.

But that's your daughter's.

What?

That's Ellie's bra.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, why didn't you
tell me about bras?

You told me
you didn't want to know.

I want to know
before I imagine taking it off.

Dad?

What are you doing?
Oh...

we were just saying

how pretty this is
gonna look on you.

It's your nice color.
No!

Honey, we're just happy
you're developing.

You're disgusting!
Don't make it weird!

Yeah. She made it weird.

Do you think we'll go to therapy
together or separate sessions?

Probably both.

I got big news, guys.

Follow me.

Introducing EBDB Prime.

I signed you guys all up for it.

Great. What is it?

Well, with EBDB Prime,

you have access
to exclusive content.

Like your sex tapes?

No.
Everyone has access to those.

Now, I know
what you're thinking.

"Oh, this is gonna be
so much dollars."

Not true. It's only

a couple extra bucks that I take
out of your wallet every month

on top of your EBDB membership.

Babe, how can we turn down
this bargain robbery?

And on top of it,
you get shipping benefits.

Ooh.
Mmm. If you order through EBDB Prime,

you can get a bra
or a female condom for Ellie

by tw...
No. Nope.

Stop it. Get out.

Get this thing out of here.

I was leaving anyway.
Where you goin'?

Kitchen.

That is the second hat closet.

And now welcome
to the nature preserve.

Andre, they're all dead.

Well, that's the only way he can
get anything to live with him.

And, guys, I think
you're really gonna like this.

Are you going my way?

What does that thing run on,
Dave Navarro's pubic lice?

No. He's completely shaved.

And now, gentlemen,
I introduce you

to the cathedral, where we'll be
watching football every weekend

of the 2015 season.
Holy shit.

That's a huge
projection screen, Andre.

Oh, no, no... that's
a large white canvas.

It's an art installation.

Oh, shit.
- That stinks!

Well, everybody, let me
give you a good old...

taste of what we have
in store this Sunday.

You guys ever interested in trying out Draft Kings?
No, no, no.

I got to keep all my
focus on one league.

I agree with Kevin.
I mean, there's something

about the loyalty
to one's league.

It's the simplest way of winning

life-changing piles of cash.
- See, to me, the allure

is, like, you're just going week
to week without any commitment.

You drop in, you drop out.
Yeah, it sounds perfect for you.

While the rest of us
have shown a proclivity

for commitment, you're like the
Draft Kings of relationships.

You're in one week and then out the next.
- Pete,

you're missing out on the wonderful
world of commitment. I mean,

trust me,
you don't know what I have.

He's had what you have.

Tell you what,
why don't you and I check in

at the end of the season
and we'll see who's happier.

Ooh, I'll take that bet.
Pinky swear?

I will not touch your pinky,
but I will take the bet.

All right. Andre, your place
is... ridiculous.

Thank you.

But don't you think
we would just be

more comfortable watching
the games back at our place?

I thought you guys said you
were sick of us being there.

We are.
Absolutely. We are. We are. We are.

It's just so much easier.
We don't have to get a babysitter.

Get an Uber home.
You don't have to get a babysitter.

I mean, Ellie's, like, all grown
up... I mean, have you seen her?

Of course we've seen her.
She's our daughter, dum-dum.

She's, like, all... You know, she's...
What? What does she have?

What is all that? What does that mean?
I mean, she's, like,

developing and she's all there. She's...
She's developing?

Excuse me?
Uh, you're putting words in my mouth.

Disgusting, Andre.
I'm just saying that she...

It's natural. She's got the...

No, no, no,
no, no, no.

You talking about this

is incredibly unnatural.

I'm not saying
I want to get with her.

I mean,
I already have a girlfriend.

Oh, you know what, okay... Oh, okay!
What?

Andre!
Guys, come on.

You're the worst.
Good-bye.

What are you doing?
Where are you going?

Guys,
what was I supposed to say,

that I do want to have sex
with her?

That seems worse!

Great. I'll take
my golf clubs back, please.

No, I took those as payment
for your EBDB Prime account.

I d... I don't have
an EBDB Prime account.

You have an EBDB Prime account.

I... Then cancel it.
I don't want it anymore.

If you want to cancel,
you're gonna need to log on.

What's your password?
Just give me back my golf clubs.

If you can't remember your
password, we're gonna have

to start the retrieval process.
Oh, my God.

Can you read these letters
to me, sir?

No, I can't.
This is nothing, Taco.

Gupta wrote those down.
I think they're in Sanskrit.

He also drinks,
so I can't be sure.

I'm gonna put you on hold, sir.
No, no, no!

Taco!

Thank you for holding, sir.

I'm Taco with Customer Service.

How's your day going today?

Shitty!
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Let's go ahead and reset your
account, sir. I'm gonna send you

a security code, and I'm gonna
need you to read it back to me.

You should be receiving
it right... now.

"U-8-7-E

"pooping elephant 497

penis."

Smiley face.

That is correct, sir.

Now that we've confirmed
your identity,

I'm gonna need you to enter

a new password.

you!

You're gonna need
a different one.

Ruxin's using that.

Oh, go yourself.

That's Andre's.

So, what's going on

in the, uh, police state
of Big Brother Ruxin house?

Pretty sweet.
I did a little research,

found myself a blind spot.

Okay. In.

Where is there a blind spot?

In. Out.

It's behind the couch,

it's away from the cameras,

and I am living a life
of great freedom and luxury.

The blind spot.

Wait... Isn't that

Rafi's old pee corner?
Don't care.

Hey, Kev, can I talk to you
for a sec?

Yeah. Sure.

Hey.
Yeah?

I can't get in on your computer.

Did you change your password?
No.

Taco made me change my password

for that stupid
EBDB Prime thing.

I don't know. He probably
changed it on all my devices.

I'll-I'll put it in.
All right, well, can I get your new one?

Mm... yeah, I'll-I'll just...
I'm gonna throw it in.

Just give me your... What-what are you doing?
What?

Just give me... give me your password.
No.

Babe, I'll...
Kevin...

No. You know what? No.

We're at the start
of a new season.

I want to create
some boundaries.

You have your team
on your computer

with your password,
and I have my team

on my computer with my password.

Wow. -Okay? Jets and the Giants
don't trade playbooks.

They know Belichick
will steal them both.

Is that really
what it is, Kevin?

Babe, I... It's not like
I'm doing anything wrong.

Your voice is going so high.
- Wrong.

Wro... wrong!

Wrong.

Nudie mags!

Oh, vodka, too!

Oh, hello, whipped cream,

and, you, my Ding Dongs.

Let me check on Rodney.

Hmm?

Nobody's home.

♪ Ding Dongs, whipped cream,
Ding Dongs, whipped cream ♪

♪ Ding Dongs, whipped cream,
Ding Dongs, whipped cream! ♪

♪ In my blind spot!
In my blind spot! ♪

♪ I've got Ding Dongs
and whipped cream! ♪

Mmm!

Whipped cream appetizer.

A little bounce test
main course.

Maybe a little whipped cream
for dessert.

Oh, dick,
I'm giving you a treat.

Oh, little Rodney.

Oh, bounce test.
Oh, blind spot.

Oh, freedom!

Vinegar strokes forever!
Whipped cream!

Goddamn it, I'm alive!

Hello, Taco.

Can I please have our new
EBDB Prime password?

Ah. Password retrieval.

Yes. -Well, I'm gonna have to ask you
a few security questions.

Great. Hit me.
All right.

What year did Kevin lose
interest in you sexually?

Never. He...
It hasn't happened.

That is incorrect.

Who did Kevin really
want to marry?

Ugh! You know what, Taco? Just...
No, no, no, no.

No, only authorized
personnel back here.

You can't just... I...
Shh.

Okay, we are in here somewhere.

Thank you.

Kevin's password is

"Dick Chicken?"
Uh-huh.

Ooh. Does that have
to do with me?

Don't flatter yourself.

How is that flattering, Taco?

It's some stupid thing that
Pete used to do in high school.

I'm sorry?
Look, dick chicken is

when two guys pull out
their dicks, charge towards

each other, and...
Ew! What?!

Hey, while you're here,
can I sign you up

for EBDB Prime Fresh Direct?

I deliver you food
from your own fridge in minutes.

Football is back,

thank goodness!
Yeah!

I can't believe that
Tom Brady's playing.

I mean, the guy
destroyed his cell phone.

I love Brady.
He's just like, "No.

"I cheat. I don't
give a.

"I'm better-looking than
you, I got a better life.

Suck it."
Yeah, I mean,

it's exciting Brady's playing,
but look who's reffing.

It's Bill Vinovich.

He ran Super Bowl 49, the best.

No one cares.

No one cares about a ref?
No.

Ooh. Ruxin,
check this out.

Markus Wheaton
putting up a big old goose egg.

Bam! It's over, bae.

Let's just see how the second
half of the first quarter goes.

Goose Egg.
All right.

Did you just lay an egg?
Yeah.

Give up.
Uh, anyone else have someone playing tonight?

Yeah.

I got Julian Edelman.
Ah.

Julian Edelman?
- Oh, that's right.

Yeah.
I forgot about your shit storm of a line up.

I have never seen

a weaker receiving core.
What?

Edelman's gonna do great.

Your number one receiver is a slot receiver.
Yeah.

Are you slot-shaming
me right now?

I'm just saying,

if you send your line-up out
looking like that,

I mean, you got
to take what you get.

I'm proud of my team.

Sure.
They're gonna be great.

Sure.
- Hey, what is this?

Hi.
- See, this is

why I hate
watching the games at the bar.

This place has zero chill,

but you know who has
mega chill vibes?

My place.

Let's bro out, chill down,

and do it to the top.
- No.

We got to do it city-style.
My house.

I made a new recipe of hummus.

It's great...
- No!

No.
- No, no, no. No, no, no.

We're having it
at our place, okay.

Look, you can't
just determine it.

We need an impartial judge to
figure out where it should be.

God, where you gonna find that?
That's really hard to...

Oh!
It's almost like you need like a...

Yes, a ref.
Just...

A ref!

Where would we find
one of those,

and who would care
if we found one anyway?

Oh, this is hard.

You just ref this.
You're a ref.

Please make a decision for us.

Well... okay.

Tell you what: I'm gonna
go get myself a beer

and think on it.

Well, I'll buy you one.
Uh-uh.

The ref cannot be
bought, my friend.

You know what?

A beer actually
sounds wonderful.

Awesome. I will
take a...

Hey, I'll take another one,
please.

Peter.

Hi.
I am just

so happy that you have
really found

your way in the world,

and you love this reffing
so much. I'm just...

Jenny, flattery... like
a plunging neckline...

does not really suit you.

Can I do something for you?

Well, if you choose to let us
watch the games at our place,

I won't slaughter you
on the message boards

by telling everyone that
you used to play dick chicken.

Oh, my God,
you finally found out

that I used to
play dick chicken.

Yes, I did.
With Kevin.

What?
What? You didn't know?

No. -Who did you think I was
playing dick chicken with?

Yourself!
No, it takes two dicks to chicken, lady.

I don't...
What did you think the game was?

You just running around

like a chicken with your head
cut off, yelling, "Dick!"

It's not that.

Kevin!

Thank you.

You were the other half
of dick chicken?!

What?

You, Pete.

It's anatomically generous.

No, it was just kids being kids,

playing stupid games.
Aah!

Whamming your dicks together?

Ah, don't worry,
it's just kids and dicks.

You're making a big deal out of if.
Well, folks,

clearly, we're gonna
see the games

at Kevin and Jenny's.
It is decided.

Oh!
Ow!

Do you always carry that whistle with you?
Yeah, I'm a ref.

Just, enough with the
stupid refereeing, Pete.

It's lame and no one cares.
What did you... What... How...

What did you say?
It's what?

It's lame!

Stop it!
Stop.

Unsportsmanlike!
Unsportsmanlike!

Excuse me, is anyone here
a ref? I heard a whistle.

I am.

Unbelievable.
- You are? Yeah.

We are having an argument
over there over that last play.

Yeah. -Can you please explain to me
why that wasn't holding?

I can.
Come on, come with me.

What do you know about

offensive line play?

I could use a little refresher.
Okay,

all right.
Give me your hands.

Stick 'em right here.
Okay.

Go ahead. All right, see,

any time you're inside the pits,

this is totally legal, okay?
Inside the pits?

Yeah, inside the pit area.
Okay.

But there are other places
you can put your hands

which are highly illegal.

Oh, well, we could probably
work our way up to that.

Yeah, maybe we could.

I'm Livi.
I'm Pete. Nice to meet you.

Total slut.

Her?
No, him.

So you're not coming over
until you're done tinkering,

which is, basically, never.

You got part of that right.

I got the crudités
on camera and in

the blind spot I got
all my little snackies.

We got a new backyard patio set.

Uh, no, thank you.

I'm gonna wallow here
in week one like

a frat pledge in his own sick.

All right, well,
we won't miss you. Bye.

All right, lineups are locked.

Let's see what
the Lady MacArthurs

have in store for me here.
I'm feeling good, Peter.

We got Julian Edelman, slot.

Randall Cobb, slot.

Percy Harvin, slot.

Wow!

This may be the slottiest lineup
I've ever seen.

It's, like, just riddled with

tramp stamps and Goldschlager.

Hey, just take it easy,
Dick Chicken.

I'm sorry, you talking to me
or you talking to your husband?

Okay, 'cause at least I won.

What? Excuse me?

Excuse you.
You did not win.

Uh, I did win.
You chickened out.

Are you kidding me? I went
towards you and I slipped,

for a second.
Oh, that's what people

who chicken out say... they say, "I slipped."
No.

Just take me back a sec.
Did you guys get hard

before playing dick chicken?

Yeah.
No. What... Well, I mean, it depends who has

home-field advantage.
The game was, it was like a...

American League-National League
thing. It was the same game,

just different rules.

Whatever.
Yeah, it-it's hard...

Yes, yes, yes!
Look at this! Here we go!

Here we go.
Week one, and we are back.

Hey. Kevin...
Uh...

you sat on the remote, dude.

Nope.
It's right over here.

Well, turn it on.

I am turning it on.

Kevin...

Wait. Oh, no.
I'm putting it on.

Oh, no, oh, no, hold on.
Hold on, relax.

What did you do?
I don't... I didn't do anything.

I told you... get an A/V guy.
I...

Guys, guys, guys.
TV's out in here, too.

What?
What? Oh, my God.

Taco, why is the DirecTV out?

You're welcome.
I canceled your DirecTV,

since EBDB Prime is now
your primary content provider.

No, it is not.
What?

Fear not.
We are creating our own

exclusive,
cutting-edge content...

check this out.

You guys are gonna like this.

Hi, there. I'm Taco.

And I'm making... tacos.

Taco...

tacos.

And this is Taco Making Tacos.

I'm making tacos.

♪ Oh, who's making tacos? ♪

♪ Taco's making tacos,
tacos here ♪

♪ Tacos there ♪

Guys, kitchen TV is out, too.

Oh, goddamn it.
Taco, listen to me,

I canceled that
stupid EBDB Prime.

No, you did not. You changed
your password, but you

forgot to log on to
cancel the service.

Oh, you know what, Taco?

Your service is canceled.

Your attic slumber
parties... canceled.

Toilets... canceled.

What about the side yard by the chimney?
Oop! Canceled!

Kevin, just call the babysitter.
Let's get out of this shithole.

Let's go.

Guys, what are we gonna do?
We got to figure something out!

Get to the car,
we'll decide there!

People ask me if the food
taco is named after me, Taco.

Well, what they don't know is
that my real name is not Taco.

It's actually...

Oh, come on.
- Where is he?

Oh, thank God. Come on...
Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Let us in.
Their Sunday Ticket's out.

By the time we get
to a sports bar,

there'll be no more seats left.

Ruxin,
it's Bears-Packers!

Fine, you can come in.
On one condition.

Thanks for the chill
hangout, bro.

Real relax-fest.

I want nothing more than to
bro down with my chill dudes

and my gal pals, but no one
is allowed to be here,

so if you want to watch
the rest of the Bears game,

you will stand back there and
you will respect the blind spot.

Fine.
Why is the floor all sticky back here, Ruxin?

What else have you been doing?

Everything under the sun.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, God.
What?

Be careful which beer you drink,

because... I ran out
of hand towels.

I don't trust him.
Okay, Mommy,

I know that you don't
trust him, pero,

I do. Mira, mira.
Too much with the footballs.

Too much with the friends.

Well, they're not there.

He's being a good boy.

Your taste is in the toilet.

That's where your taste is.

How is Randall Cobb doing?
Oh, he is

slotting it up and down
the field like a Mormon girl

at a non-Mormon university.

That's my boy.
Andre, what are you doing?

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

I heard everybody...

was watching the game.

Just... Oh, come on.
Oh, God.

Now you're gonna have to
cram in here with us.

Oh, no problem.

Ugh! God, what did you eat?

Actually, something
of my own recipe.

It's a salmon-flavored tempeh.
Okay, get out of here,

get out of here.
Get out of here.

Do you know what?
He's not our kind.

Oh, Mommy, please.

That's the problem.

I think he gave Papi the stroke.

How could you say that?
I know it.

How's Sammy Watkins doing?
I only have one bar.

Ooh, you guys corner-spotting?

Oh, you know what, Taco,
this is all your fault.

What?
We're canceling the stupid EBDB Prime service,

do you hear me?
Here we are.

Okay, you're gonna have to log
in to your account...

Oh, you know what, just stop. Hey!
Hey...

Don't push me.
Stop pushing.

Who's push... Stop it!
Somebody pushed me.

Stop acting like children...
Sofia's watching!

Don't worry about it.
Just put this

in front of the camera

and she won't be able to tell.

I'm praying for Dad every day.
I know...

Lighting a candle when you
take a bath is no prayer.

God is everywhere.
God is everywhere, but not in the bathtub.

Pull it out! Respect
the blind spot!

This is a chillaxing
environment.

As long as you respect
the blind spot you can

hang out here, but it's got to
be a chillaxing respectfully

of the blind spot!

Aw, see?

Look at his sweet smile.

It's creepy.

He scare me.

Oh, great... Sammy Watkins shit
the bed and now it looks like

I'm gonna lose to Russell.
- Yup.

Seabiscuit squirted out
a victory and you

got to watch it float away in the ocean.
Ugh...

Sorry you lost.

Like you lost at dick chicken.

Well, I wouldn't know, because
I didn't lose at dick chicken.

Uh, you chickened out,
so you lost.

No, I didn't chicken out, okay?

Define "chickening out",

'cause it really
could go either way.

Actually, define "winning"
while you're at it, too.

Why don't you ask Kevin
what winning is,

'cause it's what I did
to him in dick chicken.

No, you did not win, okay?
And if you think

that you could win,
I challenge you to a rematch.

No!
I am so fine with that.

No!
Me, too.

No head-to-head contact.

It could cause a concoction.
Oh, it's on.

It's on like Dong Kong. No!
- No!

I love it. Look.
What the hell?

Who are those people?
What are they doing?

Wh-What's going on?

Stop, stop, stop!
No, no, no!

Guys, respect

the blind spot.
You ready?

I'm ready.
- No.

Oh!

Mom!

Rodney's having a gay orgy.

Respect the blind spot!

No! I can't look.

Don't worry, Ruxin, I got this.

Ay dios mio, look
at the pee-pees.

Rodney!

Oh, you didn't slip!

You didn't slip!

Oh, helmet-to-helmet contact!

Oh, forever unclean.