The League (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 7 - Ghost Monkey - full transcript

Babe, what kind of candy
do you think we'd be for Halloween?

I don't want to be that
toothbrush apple family.

I was thinking about doing raisins.

Fruit? No. We need butterfingers
up in this bitch.

- We need a variety pack.
- What do you think of this?

Oh, I like that. Super sexy with that

pair of fishnets and some Maryjanes...

I just want to rip
that thing right off you.

Does it rip off easily?
I want to ravage you.

This is Ellie's brownie uniform.

I was just sawing
the friendship patch on.



Oh, God. Oh my God.

- I'm the creepy guy now. - I can wear
something like this for Halloween sweetie.

- It's just... It's ruined. It's over.
- Really?

- How am I gonna delete this
from my yank bank? - What?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't sexy Brownie
one of the staples in college?

Along with sexy nurse
and sexy postal worker.

ANDRE: And sexy museum curator?

RUXIN: Aw, that's terrible.

Ellie, do me a favor... don't put
that in your mouth, sweetheart.

TACO: It looks like a meatball.
They're not meatballs, Taco.

Halloween used to be
my favorite holiday.

'Cause not only was promiscuity and crimes
tolerated, they were actually encouraged.

Yeah.

PETE: Adult Halloween is still here.



You just can't enjoy
it when you have kids.

I just wish that we
could combine Halloweens.

Amen.

You guys are already trying to
do that with Jenny and Ellie

sharing the same costume.

Oh, I'm so glad that
I don't have a girl.

You are so lucky.

You have a son, and you only
have to worry about one dick.

Yeah.

When you have a daughter, you have
to worry about everybody's dick.

There's so many dicks around here.

Can we stop talking about your
children's genitalia for a second?

Because I think we have more
important matters at hand.

How you feeling about your match-up
this week with Uncle Pete?

Oh, Uncle Pete is going to
get destroyed this week.

Oh, hardly.

In fact, I've got an idea for you.

What if you set my lineup this week?

You're going to let
me pick your lineup?

Mm-hmm, you can't do any
add/drops, but you can put

anyone from my bench into the
starting lineup, and I am

confident I will still crush you.

Holy shit.

You just made a huge
mistake, my friend.

Wait a minute, are you really going
to put your fate in his hands?

No, I'm going to put
his fate in his hands.

Geez, I like it.

I got to get out of here.

I'm gonna get me some pumpkins.

I'm gonna get the car.

Come on, Ellie, time to go, baby.

Come on, Taco, it's time to go, buddy.

Aw, we're not done
playing with the monkey.

We have to go home now.

All right, fine, we're coming.

Enjoy your pumpkin.

Hi.

Hi.

You're never going to believe this,
but I want to buy a pumpkin.

By the way, you are a
very authentic witch.

Thank you.

I like your necklace, too.

Oh, it's actually a talisman
to ward off evil thoughts.

Nope, not working. Sorry.

Did you think that one
was going to work?

I think it did.

Ah.

Saw you talking to a
girl at the petting zoo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Got her digits, man.

She's a cute witch.

All right, Pete. Whoo.

Ride her broomstick, right?

That's just stupid.

As well as this music.

What is this?

Guys, it's Pandora.

It picked itself.

Yeah, but Pandora's actually cool.

What could you possibly have put into
it that made that come out of it?

- Kesha.
- Hey guys. Check it out.

Whoa whoa whoa.

- Monkey.
- What are you doing with the monkey?

I stole it from the petting zoo.

Highly illegal, but very fun.

Monkeys do not like me.

That's Andre. Monkey, Andre.

You want to come over here?

Andre... and this is Pete.

Come on over, man.

All right, he's getting
a little skittish.

We might want to just...
Yeah, I think he doesn't like the music.

The music is fine.

No, the music... Change it!

Stop yelling at the driver!

He's on my shoulder!

He's freaking out!

Whoa.

Guys, he's freaking out.

Guys, it's the music.

He's rebelling against the music.

Is that Goo Goo Dolls?

No Savage Garden.

Oh, much worse, much worse.

He's attacking me.

No, no, no!

He's freaking out.

Just grab him, just grab him.

He's trying to kill us all.

He just bared his teeth at me.

(shrieking)

The monkey... no!

- Oops.
- Oh, my God, I think we just killed him.

We didn't kill it, okay?

Monkeys land on their feet.

They're like masturbating cats.

No, no, no, we killed it.

And it's going to haunt us forever.

You know what?

Just calm down and groove out.

(groaning)

What?
You guys don't like Reggaeton?

Oh, Pete, I'm going to
tear into your lineup.

I feel like Jessica Tandy in
Fried Green Tomatoes, except

without the old lesbian stuff.

Oh, Chris Johnson, I think you'll
be spending the week on the bench.

And what about you, Pierre Thomas?

Playing against the Pittsburgh D.

You will be staying in the ga...
Wait, but what if he vultures a

couple touchdowns?

He could have a big week.

I should take him out.

No, that's what Pete wants me to do.

Pete wants me to take him out.

Oh, just...
just trust your instincts, Ruxin.

Keep it as is.

Don't rock the boat.

Aw.

The answer's in here.

And I'm going to sniff it out.

The hound dog's on the prowl.

(imitates hound barking)

I don't really feel like doing
the kid thing with all of

Ellie's friends over here...
No, no.

...and there's candy
stuck everywhere.

Here's the best part.

I'm not talking about a kid party.

I'm talking about an
adult Halloween party.

Seriously?

Yes. We marry the two worlds.

You know what I'll do?

I'll get a little booze cart.

Yeah.

So we go trick-or-treating
around the neighborhood... we got

Tootsie Rolls and tonic.

- I think this sounds awesome.
- Yeah.

And, I'm thinking costumewise...

I'm going whored-up.

Show what Mama gave you.

Right?

Can I make a suggestion?

Filthy Vietnamese prostitute.

Now I'm not talking about
one you get on the pier.

I'm talking about one you got to
go down an alley and negotiate

with some guy with no teeth.

I think that's too far.

It's too much?

It's too much.

All right, I'm just spitballing.

Yeah, we'll come up
with something great.

And you're going to have to have me.

I want you right now, based on the fact that...
Hi, little lady.

Look at you.

ELLIE: I'm going to be a princess.

Yes, you are.

The prettiest princess.

And Mommy's going to be a frog.

Well, you know, I was actually
thinking maybe we would

switch it up and maybe I could be
something a little... different.

You said you were going to be a frog.

You could be a princess and I could
be your sexy little handmaid.

No, you promised you'd be a frog.

A big, puffy, fat old frog.

(laughing)

What do you think Daddy should be?

I don't care what Daddy wears.

That's my little girl.

That's why I love you.

I love you, too.

Great. You get to be whatever
you want, and I'm going to be

dressed like a frog.

A fat, old frog.

Thanks.

Come out to the burbs, man.

It's going to be great.

I've got a bar cart this year.

Children's Halloween and adult
Halloween do not mix, okay?

Yes, they do.

Because we can do
everything we did as kids.

We can T.P. houses, shit in bags
and light them on fire and put

them on people's doorsteps.

And when they're stamping them
out, we can stand there laughing

with a martini in our hand.

All right, if we do this, you
got to promise me you're not

going to embarrass me.

'Cause I'm actually
bringing a date this year.

Bring her.

I'll bring a date, too.

Sure you will.

October's my month.

I'm like the Reggie Jackson
of hookups in October.

You're Mrs. October?

All I'm saying is numbers don't lie.

October... boom, I'm spiking.

You keep stats on specific
hookups for a different month?

That's one of the creepiest things
I've ever heard in my life.

It's not creepy. It's an app.

Costs a buck.

You know, this move gets this
much percentage, this move gets

this much percentage.

Move?

Move?

Oh, I got moves.

You're not talking about poor girl?

The poor girl.

Oh, God.

Wait, you're still doing that?
Oh, no.

One of the favorites in the arsenal.

Oh, God!

What?

Andre, no.

The fake sympathy.

"Oh, oh, you lost your phone.

Poor girl, oh."

It works. It worked.

It's just like a slow, creepy
Rophen coming around your shoulder.

That's my ace in the hole.

I have a six percent
success rate with that.

Six percent?

That's really low.

That's very low.

It's not very low.

Hey, buddy. How are you doing
setting my line up for me?

The only thing that's keeping me up
at night is the amount of

options I have to put
together such a crappy team.

Wait, wait, I'm sorry.

You're still figuring it out?

There are a couple variables that I'm
still weighing just 'cause it's like...

He's in your head.

He's not.

You're rattled.

I'm not rattled at all.

He's not rattled.

It's a very clear choice.

Mm-hmm.

We got Rodgers going up
against the Jets' defense.

Uh-huh.

And we got Favre going
up against the Pats.

Right.

I mean, we all know the right
one to pick, obviously.

Yeah.

Like, what... like, which
one would you play?

Wait...
Are you fishing?

I'm not fishing, buddy, I'm taunting.

In the form of a question?

Yeah, like, how badly am I
gonna beat you this week?

That is the most insecure and rattled
trash talk I've ever seen in my life.

This is such an epic week.

Ruxin loses to Ruxin.

Or Ruxin beats Ruxin.

You poor girl.

Aw, poor girl.

Poor girl.

Guys, I been looking up and down that
highway; not one sign of the monkey.

Oh, my God.

It is dead.

We killed it and it's gonna
come back to haunt us.

We didn't kill the monkey.

It's like a cat, it
landed on its feet.

Guys, you don't know what
we're dealing with, okay?

It's like that movie I Know What
You Did Last Summer, except

instead of a guy with a hook,
we have a young monkey with a

shared hatred for
Andre's taste in music.

It's not my fault.

My music is good.

You told me your favorite singer was
Will Smith, so yes, it is your fault.

That monkey was crazy.

Guys, the monkey is
in your neighborhood.

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

Ah!

Oh, my gosh.

That guy just spilled my drink.

What a jerk.

Oh, Reggie Jackson is at bat.

Oh, my God, look at this.

Did you just see that?

Yeah, he hit you like a linebacker.

You poor, poor girl. Yes.

Oh, that poor girl.

Let's get you a drink.

(Pete groans)

You're so sweet.

Oh, you poor girl.

Don't worry about me.

That girl is making a bigger
mistake than playing Percy Harvin.

Right?

Oh, my...
Yo.

Come get it.

(whistles quietly)

Hey.

Hey.

That's a lot of animals.

They yours?

Yep.

So you got ducks and chickens and...
Sheep.

Uh, any other?

Like, uh, I don't know...
giraffes, monkeys.

We used to have a monkey, but
he vanished just the other day.

Really?

That's super weird.

So *

No way.

Most likely, that monkey has
gone to meet his monkey maker.

Ghost monkey.

Did you know the-the
monkey's personality at all?

Is he a happy monkey?

Do you think he had the
capacity to forgive?

Forgive?

I stepped on that monkey's tail one
time, by accident, and he did this!

(Taco screaming)

Yeah!

(laughs maniacally)

(Kevin screams)

What'd you think it was, the monkey?

What are you doing out here, Ruxin?

Who do I play?

You want help with your lineup?

No, not for my lineup,
for Pete's lineup.

Where's the answers?

Is it here?

I don't know.

Is it in the trash?

He's driving you crazy.

Do you know the answers?

I don't have the answers.

Where are the answers?

This is what he wants, Ruxin.

What does he want?

He wants you to overthink
this thing and go crazy.

It's not happening.

No.

No.

No.

What?

Okay, Ruxin,

What about one step away from fantasy saw?

Okay, you're gonna cut
your own leg off soon.

- Nobody wants that.
- That's what Pete wants.

Pete wants me to cut my leg off
and play Peter Thomas.

I'm not gonna play Peter Thomas.

I'm not gonna cut my leg off.

I'm not gonna play Peter Thomas.

You're overthinking this thing.
Just put it out of your head.

It's out of my head now.

Is that Percy Harvin?

Was that Williams?

Let's get out of here.

Look, I think this is gonna be
real fun. It is in the suburbs,

but it's like an adult Halloween thing.*

- I actually don't celebrate Halloween.
- Really?

You have like the perfect costume.
What are you talking about?

Oh, it's not a costume.
I am a witch.

- I'm sorry?
- I'm Wiccan.

- Like you're wicking like sweat?
- No, I'm Wicca.

Oh.

- Oh, oh, oh, so okay. You're a real witch.
- Yep.

I literally didn't know
there were real witches.

- Are you ok with that or...
- Um...

- You drink blood?
- No.

- Drink alcohol?
- Yes.

- Alright. Why not?
- Great.

Shit.

Hey... Hey!
Hey, what's up?

Happy Halloween.

Hello.

You remember Lanie from the bar.

Hi. Kevin.

Hi.

Good to see you again.

Nice to see you.

What are you?

Uh, just a little gladiator.

Ah, I thought you were,
like, a fat Russell Crowe.

Really? Thank you.

And you noticed Lanie is dressed like
a-a sexy Brownie.

- Is she? - You can tell
the difference actually because

Brownie costumes don't look like this.

I guess. I'm not sure.

*

- Can I get you something to drink?
- Do you have some ecstasy?

Ecstasy?

Um, I can get you some vodka.
Do you like vodka?

Sometimes I black out when I drink vodka.

Whatever you want.

Adult Halloween is in full effect.

Hi. Oh!

Hey.

Surprise!

What are you supposed to be?

A big fat tubby frog.

(chuckles): Oh.

Is that a Brownie uniform?

Like, a half of one.

That unzips.

You're not wearing a costume?

Too scared. Why aren't you?

Oh, I didn't know it was Halloween.

Hey, guys.

Hey!

Hi.

This is my friend Darcy.

Hi, Darcy.

I'm Kevin.

Welcome to, uh, adult Halloween.

Thank you.

I love your costume.

Yeah, sexy witch.

Real witch.

No, it's specific yet really
sexy and hot, showing some skin.

It's not a costume.

I just want to show some skin tonight.

I'm Wiccan.

Excuse me?

I don't know what that means.

I actually don't celebrate
your version of Halloween.

In the Craft, we celebrate Samhain.

It's a very spiritual night.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So you're a real witch?

Yes.

Do you know anything
about monkey curses?

A bit, yeah.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Come this way.

Can I get a drink, please, soldier?

Absolutely.

She knows a bit about monkey curses?

We're not gonna talk
about this right now.

A bit?

You say when.

Just keep...

Didn't get the whole diploma
in the monkey curses, just did a

minor; she minored in it.

Tell me more about your monkey friend.

Well, I called him "Potato" 'cause he
kind of smelled like French fries.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, Pete.

What's going on over here, guys?

We're conducting a seance.

Oh, that's real weird.

Taco, tell me how your monkey friend
crossed over into the spirit world.

I took him from the petting zoo
and I knowingly brought him

into the musical Armageddon
that is Andre's car.

Don't put it on yourself.

I really think it was
the Gin Blossoms.

We'll resolve all this when we
speak with Potato directly.

I'm sorry. Who's Potato?

Potato is Taco's monkey friend.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I should have known that.

And as today is Samhain, it's the easiest
day to communicate with the dead.

The membrane between the world
of the living and the world of

the dead is at its
thinnest on Samhain.

So thin you can see almost
all the way to Crazy Town.

All right, I'm gonna go
hit the booze cart, guys.

Tell ol' tater tot
I say, "Whassup?"

I'm going.

Okay, here we go.

BOTH: Potato... Potat... Potato...
Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

- Should we get high first?
- That's not necessary.

But it's allowed, right?

It's best to keep the mind clear.

It's the best way I know.

(groaning)

I lost. I had my fate
in my hands and I lost.

Pierre Thomas... I put him in!

I should have taken him out.

I put him in!

I should have taken him out!

I beat me. Pete beat me!

Pete let me beat me!

Goddamn you, Pete!

Huh?

Monkey?

Monkey Pete?

Who you working for, monkey?

Pete and the monkey!

I'll show you guys!

Damn you, Pete!

(panting)

BOTH: Potato...
(gasps)

I see him! I see Potato.

He's very restless.

His spirit is not happy.

No.

There's a terrible noise.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

Is it Savage Garden?

Five For Fighting?

Boyz II Men?

Please tell me it's not Boyz II Men.

He's covering his ears.

Is it Creed? Nickelback?

He wants to know if you have
anything to say to him.

I do.

Say it now.

Okay.

(strums soft chord)

♪ Ghost monkey, ghost monkey
Can you hear me?

Are you jerking off in heaven or are
you in hell playing with your feces?

You suffered the most painful death
of all and you did not deserve it

Death by Andre's shitty adult contemporary
music forgive me with your little

dead ghost monkey heart
don't want your little ghost

monkey arms to tear me apart I
didn't want it to end this way

I didn't want to discard you like a
used condom on the side of the highway

I'm so sorry,
Gho-o-ost Monkey. ♪

The monkey spirit is not
satisfied with your apology.

No?

Oh, oh.

(gasps)

The monkey demands a sacrifice.

(wind whistling)

Do you have knee socks?

They love knee socks.

Okay, all right, thank you so much.

Let's stop talking to her
and go get some candy.

You're so good with kids.

Beep, beep!

Stop on the Kevin-o-ween train
for some more be-zooze.

Oh, yeah!

Y'all want this party started?

Go, Halloween!

Kevin? Kevin, look at me.

Just look at me, and
don't look behind you.

Just... No. Don't look.

No, no, no, no, no.

What the? Hey, McGiblets,
you want some, bitch?!

Get out of here!

Look, this is Kev-o-ween, man.

(cat yowls)

What the hell was that?

Startling.

I lost!

Oh, my God!

Jesus!

I played a running back on a bye week.

I'm out of my head.

(laughs)

Didn't do so well, huh?

Ruxin, I have a very special
Halloween costume for you.

I love yours.

What are you, a Jew
dressed up as a WASP?

Oh!

I got no comeback. Ow!

Happy Halloween, Ruxin.

Pierre Thomas... who's one of my
personal idols... also happens to

be on my team and also happens to have
had a wonderful day today on the field.

Did you play him or did you bench him?

Shit balls!

All right, that's enough!

Guys, Halloween! Music?

Music, that's what I'm talking about.

Let's get this thing going!

Come on!

All right, yeah!

Whoo-whoo, yeah!

This is awful!

Come on! No, it's Halloween.

It sounds like the Pet Shop
Boys are raping Erasure.

Bang the beat!

No, no, we're not banging any beat.

Bang the beat!

I got neighbors, man.

Relax with the banging beats.

Bang the beat!

Get my groove on.

Hey.

Hey!

What do you say we get ourselves
some adult Halloween on?

Mmm, good.

Dance party feels good.

Get in here. Come on.

It looks like you're
having a seizure.

I'm getting my sexy on.

Make sure she doesn't bite her tongue.

What are you trying to do, babe?

Which one's sexier?

Oh, Kevin, you get to go home to that.

(Kevin laughs)

Uh, did you hear that?

What was that?

Daddy, I'm scared.

Oh, no, no, don't be scared, princess,
daddy's right here.

Come on!

Come on, sweetheart!

She's gonna make it, she's...!

Oh, no, no, no!

She's not gonna make it.

Not gonna make it.

No! (screams)

Oh...
Oh, my God, get him off!

He wants us to watch!

She wanted an outfit that
made her irresistible.

God, you guys! No!

Work the back of the head.

This is not sexy!

When's the last time Jenny
let you do that to her?

What's on my neck?

The monkey has accepted the sacrifice.

Oh!

No, guys, get him off me!

Aw!

Happy adult Samhain.

Garbage... garbage...
Oh, my God!

That monkey really
went to town on you.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

What happened to your pants?

The monkey took off with them.

What's he doing with them?

Still?

You wanted a sexy Halloween costume.

Now you got one.

Really?

Babe, I'm being honest.

You look super sexy.

Oh?

I want to finish what
that monkey started.

I have been humped enough tonight.

Oh, I know, I know.

Oh, you poor, poor, poor girl.

- What are you doing?
- What?