The League (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Anniversary Party - full transcript

RUXIN: Honey.

Oh, God, look at my wedding dress.

It looks so big on me.
TACO: What?

Yeah, I didn't do the fitting beforehand.
I was stupid.

Are you kidding?

Everyone was saying how
beautiful your dress was.

Hey, guys.
Oh, hey.

Hey, baby.

Taco, what are you doing here?

You here to rattle my cage?

No, no, no, I'm not playing this week.
I have a buy week.



No, teams have buy weeks.
I know, I have a team.

We're playing each other this week.
What are you doing here?

- I'm here to celebrate
your fifth anniversary. -Yes.

He's here to collect some photos
for a very special anniversary gift.

You don't have to do anything for
our anniversary, all right, Taco?

At least somebody wants to do
something for our anniversary.

He's a bit of an anniversary grinch.

- What?
- Yeah.

This guy, no, he's so romantic.

He probably has, like, a huge
surprise planned for you.

Don't you?

Do you?

Yeah, it was going to be a big
surprise anniversary party.

Honey.



Now, Taco, you've ruined it.

That is so sweet.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry.

I went and ruined the whole thing.

He was probably going to do it at the place
where you guys had your first date, right?

Mm-hmm, that was the idea.

Oh, my God, that's so sweet.

Oh, stupid.
You know what?

The surprise is kind of ruined.
Maybe we should just not do it at all.

No, no, you would have to do it.

No, no, we have to do it.
For Sofia.

He was going to invite all
your friends and your family.

He was going to rent
the whole place out.

- Ooh. - You're going to have, like,
a caterer, a really expensive one.

It's like another wedding.

Except slightly more expensive.

Yeah, for you, baby, anything.
Yeah, anything.

He doesn't care about money.

He was going to hire me to be the DJ.

No, I was not.

I'll just do a little
instrumental set then.

No, no, there will be no music
from you in any fashion.

It's okay, come here.

Come here.

(whispering): Taco.

Peace.

JENNY: Ruxin.

"You are all cordially invited."

Completely tacky.

Well done, guys.

Saturday on my birthday again?
Unbelievable.

KEVIN: On Jenny's birthday?
Perfect.

I don't have to plan anything, I
don't have to buy anything.

The night's spoken for.

Yeah, well, I can't
take credit for that.

It was all your goddamn
brother's idea.

We're playing this week.

He's trying to get in my head.

Very cunning that Taco.

You seriously gonna sit here and not eat
a goddamn thing?

Look at this shit shag.
I wouldn't eat anything here.

You guys have
all like gutter bowels, alright?

I have a very refined, educated bowel.

That's why I'll be going
to the Gastro Pub down the block.

*

I don't know what's worse.

*** my phone or that bedazzled
bluetooth you have in your ear.

Okay, first of all,
these are swarovsky crystals.

And it matches my phone.

You look like gay Iron Man.

- Yeah.
- Uh...

I think he means gay Tony Stark.

- Yeah, read your comics, bro.
- Yeah, nicely done.

Look, understand that

latest in fashion, design,
technology, and my lady likes it.

Oh, by the way, she's my plus one.

Okay, no, you can't just bring some
rando girl because you have a plus one.

She's not a rando girl, okay?

She likes me, she's super
techie, very cool.

You guys are going to love her.

Oh.
The techie.

Yeah.
I get it.

What? That explains
all the tech gear.

No, I just like this stuff.

Come on, you're a boyfriend
chameleon, you know this.

Am not.
Yes, you are.

You are so desperate for shared
interests, you basically just

adopt whatever hobbies the
person you're dating has.

Not true.
Not true?

Not true.
Lest I bring up Hippie Girl.

Anyone, please chime in.
Absolutely.

Okay, all right, you know what?

Starchild was wonderful, all right?

I was Hacky-Sacking way
before I ever met her.

You know who else did RSVP?
Who?

Is Megan.
Ooh.

And she RSVP'd plus one.
Oh, no.

So? I think that's,
I think it's great.

Awkward.

It's not awkward, it's great.

Oh, yeah, it's great that your
ex-wife is going to show up

with a plus one to a party.

I want Megan to move on, okay?

I'm happy for her that
she's found someone.

You don't want her to be happy.
No way.

You just want her not to sit
around 24-7 hating you.

That's part of it.
You're being selfishly selfless.

I prefer the term
"altruistically self-serving."

Oh, shit, I got to get back to work.
Congratulations.

I got to get out of here.
Enjoy it.

To the bathroom real quick.
I'm not waiting for this bathroom.

Um, I got to race to the office.

See you, guys.
Later.

Bye, buddy.

Oh, shit.

Uh...

(door opens and closes)

Oh, come on.

No, wait, no, it's occ...
No.

(man grunting)

Come on.

Sofia...

You look absolutely scrumptious.

And you look like a Russian figure skater.
Oh, thank you.

Hey, hey, hey, no, I said
bottled water on the tables.

What?
Money is not an issue.

How many times do I have
to tell these people?

I'm sorry, guys, I'll be right back.

You take care of it, honey, thanks.

Jesus, look at this place.

Do me a favor and say
"Happy anniversary."

I will when she says
"Happy birthday."

No, you say it first.
Hi.

Oh. Hi, guys.
Kevin and Jenny. Wow.

Hi, Jenny.
You look lovely.

Thank you.

This is the same dress that I
wore at my rehearsal dinner the

night before my wedding.

Oh, the night before my birthday?
My wedding.

My birthday.
My wedding.

My birthday.
My wedding.

Five years ago?

Can you believe the dress still fits?

Actually, I had to take
it in just a little bit.

I am going to go get a drink.

I will get it... okay,
see you over there.

Hey, guys, how's it going?

Why are you eating an ice
cream sandwich, Pete?

When do you ever see an
ice cream truck anymore?

I had to go for it.

Okay, that explains that.

What is this little...?

Ah, this is my newest
invention... Bathroom Cubby.

Got to go to the bathroom, but
you got some food in your hand,

something you don't
want in the bathroom.

This is outside the bathroom.

You stick your sandwich in there,
come back out, everything's clean.

This is brilliant.
Mm-hmm.

I won't even chew gum and go
into the bathroom because I'll

end up chewing whatever
it is I smell in there.

Everybody in the end
needs a Bathroom Cubby.

He doesn't need one.

You have been keeping busy, I see.

Hey.
Hi.

How's it going?
It's really good.

Ted, this is my ex-husband Pete.
Pete.

How you doing?

Uh, I got some... Oh, let me ke...
Here, get a little bit of

that, little bit of that.

It's a pleasure, it's a real pleasure.

Wow, good, uh, firm handshake there.

He works out.

I've got to say thank
you for letting her go.

Paved the way to my happiness.
What can I say?

I'm a, I'm a spiritual
bulldozer, if you will.

(laughter)

Well, come on over.
Happy, happy, happy.

You look gorgeous.
Nice to meet you.

Hi, handsome.
Nice to meet you.

We have a little gift for you.

All right.
Yes.

It's a Nepalese dream box.

Yeah, we just got back from Nepal.

It's something we like to do
every night before we go to

sleep... we put our dreams in there.

Cool.

So, anyway, happy anniversary.
Thank you so much.

It's a gorgeous gift. I mean...
Guys, quick question.

What does that box actually do?

'Cause this one actually
is pretty practical.

I got an idea.

Why don't we put the dream
locker in the dump locker?

Yeah, there you go.
You know what, honey?

Would you like a drink?
I'm going to get you a Jack and ginger.

Thanks, babe.
I can come with you though.

No, no, no, no.
Closure's a beautiful thing.

Thanks for being emotionally
above-board and awesome, Ted.

Isn't he awesome?

I like Ted.
He is really cute.

Yeah.
Come on. Let's go talk.

All right, all right.

Good spot for that.
I like it.

I won't bite.
That thing doesn't even make sense.

Did I just see Megan walk
in with her grandfather?

No.

Where is my drink, sweetheart?
I don't know, but this is my third.

And we are entering into the
fifth anniversary party.

Why are you filming us?

- It's for my vlog.
- Blog.

No, it's a video blog. Vlog.

Everybody, this is Stacy.

Hi.
Hi.

Oh, my God.

It is so great to finally
meet you guys in person.

Thank you. Rodney?
Ruxin.

Oh, my God.

I found some of your college
poetry on an archived Prodigy

page, and I just have to say,
"Hernanado's Song" was beautiful.

What is she talking about?
It was beautiful.

And you, Kevin.
Whoa.

How many times do I have to
poke you before you accept my

friend request on Facebook?

I don't even know who you are.

Sofia, Oh, my God.
Hmm?

Oh.

(whispering): By the way, I love
the nose job; it's perky, cute,

but it doesn't rob you of
your ethnicity, you know?

Anyway, I'm going to grab a drink.

Okay.

Do you want something?
Whatever you're having.

Yeah?
All right, great.

Isn't she great?
No.

She's weird.
Totally weird.

What do you mean, she's weird?
No.

She's strange, man.
Shit's natural, bitch.

Okay, guys, just chill out.

She Googled you guys.
No, no.

She Googled too deep.
She's a deep Googler.

She's like page five shit, man.
Come on.

No, actually, I am kind o
curious about this whole poetry

thing you've got going on, Rodney.

Come on.
It was a goof.

I got it right here.
No. No.

"With auburn hair and dark,
dark eyes, Hernando rode the

steed of love into the
gallows of my heart."

Hernando's a man's name.

You're not weird about Ted and...
Ted? No. Ted?

Honestly, like, I think Ted is great.
He is great.

In fact, I've never met anybody who's
been through the Great Depression.

I'd be curious to get a
firsthand retelling.

Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah.

But seriously, I'm glad
you found someone.

I can see why you'd be attracted to an
older man, 'cause you are very mature.

You always have been.
He is very mature.

But, there is the wild Megan.

What happens when...
He's wild.

Really?
Totally.

What happens when you guys are
at a party and you're ready

to let it rip, and he wants
to go home at 8:15?

- He can hang.
- Oh, he can hang?

Oh, honey, he can hang.

Hey, if we could have
your attention real quickly.

We just want to welcome you all

And we're so honored to have you
come and join us at our anniversary party.

Or my birthday party.

So uh...

I just wanted to say when...

Listen up everyone...

If we can get your attention over here.

I think Ruxin has
a little something to say.

Okay, well we started that already, Taco.

When I decided

many many months ago

to throw an anniversary
party for my wife...

I'm sorry.
Can just interrupt for one second?

Do you... Oh, sure.
Come on up.

Uh, thank you.
I'm sorry.

I know this is a very special day.

The love between Ruxin and
Sofia reminds me of my

relationship with my beautiful wife.

Love is a symphony, and
love is a partnership.

And love is...
Sorry, I said I wouldn't do it.

I just... I thank you for
sharing your life with me.

Thank you.

Oh...
(applause)

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Oh, that's...
Come here.

Please, I had so much more to say.

Oh, that's so thoughtful.

Anyway, I just wanted to say
how honored I am... Oh, God.

Everybody, have fun.

Have fun tonight.
All right!

(Sofia cheers)

(glasses clinking)

Happy birthday!
Happy birthday.

Hey, you know what, Ted?

These guys are in a fantasy league.

Oh, uh, fantasy football?

Yeah, yeah.
Great.

You like football, Ted?

Ted's actually in a real league.

Eight-man, 12-man?
What is it?

I'm in a-a park league.

You play?

You play? Wow.

Muddy field, no helmet, no pads,
out there every Saturday.

Wow.

Like Favre in those Wrangler ads?
With other guys.

Actually... Honey, no, don't be so...
Don't be modest.

It's nice to be able to stick
somebody once in a while.

Babe, what are you going to have?

I'm going to have salmon.
Salmon, uh, yeah.

I'll have salmon, too, yeah.
Good choice, yeah.

I'm going to go ahead and have
the bacon-wrapped filet, please?

And if you could double up the
bacon on that, that'd be great.

Go for it, buddy.

Yeah, sounds good. Definitely, yeah.

You should try it.
You should try it.

Yeah, come on. Have a steak.

Yeah, you should.
What the hell..,

Yes!!
Give me a filet rare.

Yeah, Ted.

Alright, Ted. Live a little. I like it.
About the time, right?

Do it, let's do it. You know what?

You have not seen anything yet.
It's fun.

We're gonna have some shots.
It's your birthday.

We need shots.
Yeah, top shelf.

Yeah, yeah, I like it.

Hey guys?
Yeah.

Doesn't need to be top shelf.

Oh, no, no. We're not driving.
Taco got us all cars.

When you're like, with Ted,

what is it like?
Amazing.

The sex?

A 30-year-old sloth is far
less useful to me than a

60-year-old finely tuned machine.

Really?
Really.

Oh, my God.

And then there's that.

There's this.
There's that.

Right?

Your random plus one just
tweeted about my anniversary.

That's so great.

And did she use the
hashtag "great event"?

All I know is that I just got a
call from my cousin who is one

of her 831 followers on Twitter.
That's so cool.

No, because he wasn't invited
because I don't want

him here because he collects ferrets.

Well, that's what you get when
you live your life on the net.

You know, your life on the net is
even sadder than your life on Earth?

Well, really? If I'm so sad, then
how do I know that Cedric Benson?

Out for the game.
What?

Yeah.
You got to make a change.

Thank you for this.
I actually do appreciate it.

See? There's benefits.
Ah, ah, ah, ah! No phones.

Bad Rodney.
Bad Rodney.

No, no, no.

I promised you guys a special night
and that means no distractions.

So I am confiscating this phone and
you'll get it back tomorrow morning.

No phone.
No phone, sweetie.

Okay.

Hey.

I don't know what kind of
cockamamie bullshit you're

pulling here, but I'm onto you.

Nobody else thinks you've got
anything running around in your

head, but I know about
your little plan.

Oh, you found out about
my wedding video?

What?

Can I have your attention, everyone?

It has taken me five years, but
I've finally completed Ruxin and

Sofia's wedding gift,
their wedding video.

But we already have a wedding video.

Yes, but I was shooting behind
the scenes footage with

my own camera without
any of you knowing.

I wanted to capture the wedding's
"cinnamon very day" style.

Can we bring the lights down, please?

Enjoy.
Oh.

All right. Yeah.

(applause)

Yay.

Hey.

Religious horror film.

Lovely.

Yeah, there...
there's Ruxin's penis.

Whoa!

That's not your hand, Ruxin.

Why am I watching my wife in lingerie?

Taco, come in.

Hey, Sofia, you excited?

Yes, I am.

Oh, it's okay.

It's just Taco. It's fine.

Come on in. Come on in.
Come on in.

You've been working out.
I can tell.

Mmm.
Not hard enough.

Oh, yeah, no, you've
definitely been working out.

You look sexy.

Really, Taco?

There you go.
I heart you.

I heart you, too.

All right, I'm going to say something.
I thank you.

That was...
Oh, boy...

Okay, you know...
I thank you.

It was a long time ago.

Guys, long time ago.

Hey, guys.

What's going on?

Hey, it's me!
Guys remember Jasmine, right?

Boyfriend chameleon!

You know what?

I like that... I like that suit.

You look great, Dr. Huxtable.
What?

You look really great.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
You'll be fine.

Hey!
There you go!

I'm worried that her family
full of conquistadors is going

to round up my whole family and
stick us in a basement and put

yellow stars on us.

That's the worst-case scenario.

What is it with Catholicism?

Why is the baby running the show here?

No, no, don't touch!

Don't touch!
You'll burn your skin.

I don't know why I am
marrying this woman.

Why couldn't I just marry a
nice Jewish girl... Andrea

Greenblatt in fourth grade?

Because you like blow jobs.

I love blow jobs!

I haven't even written
my vows yet, Kevin.

Your vows are the easy part.

Very simple.

This is what you do.

Love is a... any noun you want.

Any noun you want, all right?

You just do that.

"Love is a journey.

Love is a commitment."

And on the third one,
you can't get it out.

"Love is a...
Hold on, give me a second.

I can't get it out.

"I just... I need a second.

Love is a wonderful thing."

And that's it... done.

What I felt tonight...
Was "insert adjective here."

They're not going to make it.

Some people just aren't like us.

We'll last forever.

We'll last forever.

Are you really getting
married in a church?

I kind of want to.

Is it terrible that I want
to (bleep) your brains out?

In this church, now?

It's wonderful, actually.

I saw a coat closet.

Mmm.

I'm so horny right now.

I want to (bleep) you
in the coat room so badly.

I just...

Guys, we'll be right back.
Watch my purse.

Alright.

I guess they left a coat in the coat room,
or something. That's all I heard.

Alright, can we bring up the lights please?

That was amazing.

Whoo.

I have one more surprise for you guys.

The top of your original wedding cake.

We're gonna have it for desert.

You had second thoughts
about our marriage?

No, I didn't have second
thoughts about our marriage.

You didn't want to marry me?

No, of course, I wanted to marry you.

Uh, I need to go to the bathroom.
Uh, can someone watch my iPad?

Oh, just put it in the,
uh, bathroom cubby.

I set it all up.
You sure? Yeah.

I know how to make this right.

No, you don't.
Cake.

You made it wrong.
I'll make it right.

You embarrassed me.
Cake.

Hey.

Hey.

You brought my iPad into the bathroom?

Yeah. Taco has organized this
whole night just to mess with me

and beat me this week, and I'm not
going to let that frittata do it.

He's a sly fox.
No, he's not a sly fox.

He's at the bar trying to cut his
own hair with a knife, okay?

You leave that in the cubby.

Give me my iPad.
Let me just take her in peace.

Give me my iPad.
It's my anniversary.

Fine.

Fine.

(door opens and closes)

Give me my iPad.

We've been saving that cake for five years.
Get it out of the bathroom.

Ooh, let it take it in.
No!

Take in all the bathroom scent.

Get that cake out of here.
Give me the iPad.

Give me the cake!
Give me the iPad.

Oh!

Oh, shit.

No!

Urinal cake!

You are so screwed.

Keep the iPad.

My gift to you.

Happy anniversary.

I can make this right.

I can make this right.

All right.

Here we go.

Our original wedding cake
from five years ago.

Oh, that looks good.

But, you know, it's been around for
five years sitting in the freezer.

It's probably got freezer burn, so...
He's going to eat the urinal cake. Shh, shh.

And you're...
you're probably still angry with me.

No, I'm not still angry.

Taco and I talked it over.

This night's too important.

Well, uh, then, let's, uh...
let's do this, okay? Mm-hmm.

We should just eat the...
Oh, no!

Ooh!

Oh, that's weird that I caught that.

Usually, my reflexes are terrible.

All right, everyone. Since Ruxin planned,
orchestrated and paid for this entire event,

You get the first bite.

You evil genius.

All right, everyone.

Cake, cake, cake...
(all chanting "Cake")

(groans)

Come on, honey.
Come on!

Honey, open your mouth.

Come on.

Cake, baby.

Open your mouth.

(whooping and hollering)

All right, guys.

Dance party time.

Come on, let's dance.

We'll sit this one out.

Hey, I thought we were
going to hang, guys.

Oh, we're going to hang.

Ted, we're hanging.

If you're not feeling well...
No, he feels fantastic.

Let's go.

(whooping)

Come on, Teddy.

You all right, Ted?

Hey, Ted, you okay?

Aah!
Whoa!

Ted's not hanging.

Yes, he is going to hang.

He's getting green.

(Sofia screams)

Teddy.
Excuse me, excuse me.

Ted, are you... are you...
honey, are you okay?

Oh, he's doing great.

Hey, Ted. Really great
hanging with you, buddy.

Might want to call 911.

See you later.

That's a hard fall.

Megan, is your dad okay?

Babe, I'm so sorry about today.

I really screwed up.

Why?

It's kind of the best birthday ever.

Really?
Are you kidding me?

It's like a dream wreck.
I can't look away.