The League (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Tie - full transcript

Kevin is a lazy, shitty commissioner.

- Oh, really?
- Why do you ask?

Well let me tell you.
I was stuck in traffic,

and I called Kevin to ask him
for one tiny favor:

to use his power as a commissioner

to *** a player for me.

And he says to me, "Look,
I can't do it for you.

If I do it for you, then I
got to do it for everybody."

You are a bureaucrat!

Like the fat lady at the DMV.

Like the piece of shit at McDonald's who
won't give me a McGriddle at 10:01.



My asshole could be a better
commissioner than you!

And I'm ready to prove it.

Oh, God!

(high-pitched voice):
It's me, Ruxin's asshole.

Oh!

And I should be the
commissioner instead of Kevin.

Oh, my God!

Do you know why?

(Kevin groaning)

I spew less shit and
I smell much better.

Looks like a rusty balloon knot.

The preceding message was paid for
by friends of Ruxin's asshole.

So you're saying that I should've left
Ruxin's asshole up on the message board?

PETE: Ruxin's post contained
a lot of wonderful joy and



happiness, and you took it down
before we had a chance to spread

it around to the rest of the world.

First of all, let's start at
the beginning, the facts.

He called me every three minutes
this morning, for an hour, just

constantly begging me to change
his lineup, change his lineup,

change his lineup.

Just because someone is
annoying you with their phone

calls doesn't give you the
right to censor their posts.

Fine.

But there has been a precedent
set that there will be no

personal attacks on the message board.

ANDRE: What are you... No!

What are you talking about?

Yes!

The message boards are founded on
the great principle of personal attacks.

You, by the way, are the great
leader of all the best personal

attacks on our boards, lest
we forget Andre and the whole

"Nosferatu" campaign you ran on him.

Aha, to my defense, I thought
it was a compliment to be

compared to a celebrity.

No, you didn't.

I really did.

No, you didn't.

Okay... You look a lot like Nosferatu...
I do not.

I should never have
lent you that movie.

Really?

TACO: Hey, guys.

What's up?

What happened to the, uh, what
happened to the wrist there?

Oh, well, to make a short story long, I
fell out of a tree, landed on my wrist.

But I made a huge
discovery today, guys.

Like most people, I've always been
into traditional Eastern medicine.

I just always thought that Western
medicine was a bit of a joke.

What?

But when I got to the emergency
room, I was blown away

by how professional it was.

Not a whiff of incense,
everything was clean, no weird

Chinese guy trying to
pinch your nipples.

I mean, guys, this entire
experience has really opened my

eyes to the ancient
wisdom of the West.

Oh, yeah, really old stuff.

Oh, wait a minute.

You're one of these
healers, aren't you?

Doctor.

I have seen you in the
traditional garb.

Scrubs?

Is that why you plucked your mane?

Okay, just... I thought it was impossible
to heal the human body without

patchouli oil, but I stand corrected.

Oh, check this out.

Someone does not like that
you took down his post.

It looks like Ruxin renamed his
team the Kevin's Microdongs.

Oh, what an asshole.

He wants to play, let's play.

I'm just gonna change his team name back...
No, you can't change a team name.

Oh, good luck.

Why won't it let me
change the team name?

I can add/drop, I can change the
entire league's name, but I

can't change a team's... come on.

Our brilliant forefathers in
the ancient fantasy football

leagues put in a system
of checks and balances.

Goddamn, I hate being
commissioner of this league.

You guys are assholes.

Speaking of assholes...
Hi.

Hello.

Or should I say...
(high-pitched voice): Oh, hello!

(chuckling)

Like the video.

Ah!

Psyched for Sunday matchups.

Andre, I think you're gonna have
a lot of trouble against the

Kevin's Microdongs.

It's gonna be a tough match.

Those little Microdongs
are very feisty.

Yeah, the Kevin's Microdongs are
best at coming from behind.

Do me a favor and change
the name back, please.

Okay, fair enough.

Will you change it back??

I will change it back.

Thank you.

To...
the McArthur's Crotchnubs.

- Good one.
- How does that, how does that work?

- Very mature. You wanna do this?
- Thank you.

- Alright, let's do this.
- Great.

I'm going to be the...
Ruxin Looks Like A Middle-Aged Lesbians.

Okay.

That's true, actually.

I'm fine with that.

You know what, just... can we just stop...
Ruxin!

Getting all the grease
all over my computer.

All right, just wash your hands before
you use it, I don't get your germs.

Whoa, whoa, washing
your hands is healthy?

I did it 'cause it felt good.

I have so much to learn.

Really, Taco?

It will kill me if this
game ends in a tie.

I need this win.

This game's pretty much done.

By the way, did I tell you about the
line I have on the Bears tickets?

Really?

Yeah.

Amazing tickets to the Vikings game
pretty much just handed to me.

How?

There's this guy who had these tickets
and he didn't want them and... This guy?

How do you know him?

I met him at the park.

I was jogging and...
just a friendly dude.

And he saw my Bears shirt, and
he's like, "I got these tickets

for next weekend; I can't go.

Do you want them?"

And I was like, "Sure, how
much do you want for them?"

And he's like, "Don't worry about it.

I'm sure you'll do me a
solid at a certain point.

And just take them."

You are gonna get tickets
from a stranger, and all you

have to do is a favor in return?

Oh, don't, don't start.

What are you, in second grade?

No, it's filthy.

Yeah.

Look, it's a normal person doing
a nice favor for someone else.

Is he gonna put the tickets through the
little hole in the bathroom stall?

Are you really doing what
I think you're doing?

Did he sing the song "Faith"?

Did he tap your foot
underneath the stall?

Dude, favors are gay.

Parks are super gay.

Parks are like the club meth
for homosexuals.

But instead of Jamaicans, it's hobos.

- I know some Jamaican hobos.
They're not gay. - Really?

Oh, don't take a knee, Palmer.

- I mean it's done.
- They're running off the clock.

- It's over.
- Great.

So me and Andre have tied this one.

Yes, this is one of our few ties actually.

- It's total bullshit.
- No, it's not.

- Yes it is.
- It's a tie.

If you actually do your job as commissioner

and make a ruling for
what happens at a tie-breaker.

- We need a tie-breaker.
- Oh really? Okay.

You can bring that up before
the next season.

As of right now there is no rule

And a tie is a tie is a tie.
Listen to me.

A tie is like kissing your sister,

which I think everyone
at this table's done, Andre.

I haven't done it,

cause I just looked
at pornographic material at work.

Defect, defect, defect. Back to main's.

We have a tie, we need to fix it.

- We need a tie-breaker. - I agree.
Ties are not acceptable in fantasy football.

Fantasy football is about proving
that you're better than your friends,

not equally good as your friends.
It's not communism.

We're not coveting Billy Joel cassette
tapes or wearing ill fitting blue jeans.

Alright, fine. You want a tie-breaker?
I'll give you a tie-breaker. Here.

Whoever catches this piece
of popcorn in their mouths first,

- wins...
- No. - We're not participating.

- Three, two, one.
- We're not participating.

This doesn't count.

- Do me, do me, do me.
- Okay, here you go, buddy.

- I win.
- Yay!

Suck it.

Andre and I believe that Kevin should
accept our tiebreaker scenario.

And to settle it, I've come
up with a brilliant idea.

Why we should have a scavenger hunt.

And what will we search for?

Kevin's vagina...
(chuckling)

...because Kevin is such a giant
pussy, which is why we are in

this situation in the first place.

You want to play games?

I can play games.

I'm gonna change the
name of our league.

We are now The League, plus one
short douchebag named Ruxin.

Ha!

Ooh, I'm going to change mine,
too, to the "Ruxin Got Serves."

Oh, really?

Well, I'm changing my name to the "Andre
Cried While Watching Jumanjis."

What? I'm sorry.

So Andre and I were hanging
out a few months ago.

We're watching Jumanji.

And Andre starts weeping
at those plucky kids.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped
in a game and I don't know the rules."

What? No. I...
I had allergies.

Oh, Ruxin, you know that's...
that's crossing the line.

Oh, excuse me, I'm
over the line?

This all started when you
pulled my goddamn post.

I'm so sick of your
commissioner bullshit.

I'll show you over the line.

"The Fear Boners."

Whoa.

Fear Boners?

How dare you, Ruxin.

You know what, guys?

I quit being commissioner
of this league.

You guys can deal with all
the problems yourself.

Especially you, Ruxin,
you asshole.

Oh, come on.

That was just getting fun.

So wait, he's done... done?

Like I mean, not coming back?

Our fearless commissioner
Kevin... I think he's out, man.

Oh, wise one, are these your
Western healing potions?

No, Taco, those are spices.

What does "origano" (oregano)
heal?

Uh, it's for headaches.

And what about "correondare"?

It's coriander, and
that's for hepatitis.

Do you mind if I take some?

I've been practicing your arcane healing
arts on my blind neighbor Simon.

All right, so you got to tell
me what did Ruxin mean by this

whole Fear Boner thing.

Uh-uh.

Yeah, he was really mad.

Can't talk about it, guys.

What?

I can't.

What could it be?

This is one of the
unmentionables.

The things that men in society do not talk
about, unless they kill each other.

- Are you telling us?
- Please. Come on, Pete.

So back in college, we were heading
home from the bars one night.

And Ruxin, Kevin and myself
decided to take an alley as a shortcut.

I wish we hadn't,
but that's life.

Can you guys just not mention to my
parents about the law school thing?

I'm not going, all right?

I'm going to do
Teach for America.

I think you should, man.

I would totally come with you,
but I... I got those fish dates,

man, I can't bail on that.

You cannot.

Dude, you know what
I love is nitrous.

Nitrous, yeah.

Yeah.

Yo!

Oh, God, what is this?

Is he coming over here?

Shit, shit.

Where's Fourth Street at?

Excuse me?

Fourth Street.

Um, it's like two blocks around the
corner over there to the left.

Two blocks around that
corner right there?

To the left.

What...?

Dude, what is that?

What?

What is that in your pants?!

What is that?!

Nothing.
There's nothing in my pants.

You know what that is.

I know what it is, but why is it
here and why does he have it?

If you run at him,
he's gonna finish.

You're sick.

No, I'm not.

You two are his boys... get
him some help, all right?

That was amazing.

You were like the Hulk.

You got scared and you
just burst forth.

I didn't get scared.

I wasn't scared.

I'm just... I'm going to see a girl
and I have an anticip-erection.

No.

Yeah, I do.

Fear boner.

A fear boner.

Fear boner.

It's not a fear boner.

You got a fear boner.

(laughing): Fear boner.

Anticip-erection.

No, fear boner.

Go walk it off, buddy.

You'll be fine.

Walk it off.

Can we never talk about
this ever again, please?

Never again. Come on.

There goes the Hulk.

Yeah, ***.

To this day, we do not discuss it.

Kevin was so modified
in one single moment.

He was cowardly, gay,

homophobic and racist.

The perfect quad-fecta.

- The fear boner.
- And that's why we never talked about it.

Look, the only reason
I told you this story

is cause we have a serious issue
we have to deal with.

We have no commissioner.

And when this league was set up,
we never appointed a vice commissioner.

- I don't wanna do it.
- I don't wanna do it.

- I can do it.
- You see, we have no options.

- None.
- Ruxin can't.

No way.

So I don't know, our only option is

we gotta get Kevin back.

Can we do it with your healing spices?

Yes, give me some paprika. Quick.

Really? A foot race?

You couldn't come up with anything
better to break a tie, huh?

Yeah, just keeping it old-school.

Plus, we didn't trust each other
with any other kind of competition.

I mean don't get me wrong,
I'm not complaining.

I enjoy both of your unorthodox
running styles.

You, with the shrinking girl thing,
and you with the escaping mental patient.

You should see me sprint.

You know, I don't mean to get in your
head, but, uh, I trained for a marathon.

A what?

A marathon.

What?

A mara...
Hey!

Hey, look who it is.

Our fearless commissioner returns.

No, I am not a commissioner anymore.

I am just a civilian and an avid
fan of public moron racing.

I hope the both of you tear an
ACL, and I hope maybe you die.

Or drop dead a winner.

Good, good for you.

Yeah, and then I'll win because
he's dead, so... High five.

Can we get this going here, guys?

Let's go, guys.

All right.

All right.

Starting line is right here, and the
finish line is 400 miles that way.

Meters, Taco, meters.

400 meters around this loop.

All right, here we go.

On your marks, get...
Whoa! Geez!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Put the gun down.

Okay, okay...
Is that a real gun?

Of course it's a real gun.
It's a real race.

- Dude, put the gun away, Taco. Put it away.
- Fine, fine.

This race is no longer official.

All right, on your marks, get set...
go!

There they go.

This... this is what we've been
reduced to without our commissioner.

You have to come back.

No, no way.

If they're not going to
follow my rules, I'm out.

We're like a frittata of
Lord of the Flies, man.

Help us.

(oinking)

Come on, guys, run, run, run, run.

Come on, you can do it.

Boo.

Run, run, run.

Andre wins.

No fair. Interference.

I did it! I won! I won!

- No way. You pushed me, okay?
- What?

That was unnecessary roughness, or
at the very least, interference.

That was incidental contact.

Interference.

Incidental contact.

Commissioner?

Oh, no, no, I'm not the commissioner,
and I have no jurisdiction here.

Guys, guys, guys, look,
look, look, look.

See this commitment
ceremony over here?

Yeah, just a couple gay
guys getting married.

Right, but also a well-placed
camera which certainly has two

runners in the background and
what transpired in the race.

If we can watch that video, we can
clearly see that that was interference.

- Interference! - It's a little contact!
- Guys, shut up.

It's on the tape. let's go to the tape.

- Guys, this isn't a good idea.
- I'll create a distraction.

Shh.

Baby bird is out of the nest.

Go, go, go, go.

Oh, Ed, oh, my God.

Pete. How you doing, man?

Good to see you.

Hare you?
What are you doing here?

A couple of my friends
are getting married.

You know what, I forgot to call
you about those Bear tickets.

You still want 'em?

Um, yeah, that would be amazing.

All right, yeah.

You know what, why don't you
come on by tonight to my place,

and I'll give you the tickets.

We could go to, like, your
office, or I could meet you at a

bar or something if you...
No, come on by and have a couple beers.

It'll be fun, huh?

Um... uh, yeah, sure.

Of course, yeah.
Hey, good to see you, man.

Good to see you.

You, too, man.

Looking good.

That guy in the park... was
he the Bear ticket guy?

Yeah, yeah, I'm going to his
house to grab them tonight.

So you still think he's
just doing you a favor?

Yes.

Why is that so rare... that a guy
would just be a nice, normal guy

giving me some tickets?

Yes, what is abnormal about
the well-dressed guy at a gay

commitment ceremony doing you a favor
and inviting you over to his house?

I don't really think you guys
are in any position to decide

who's gay or who's not gay, Mr.

I Taped My Asshole And Showed It
To All Of My Friends While I Was

Giggling Like A Schoolgirl?

I found it to be a very effective
form of communication.

Look, do whatever you need to do.

I'll be so psyched if
you get those tickets.

All I ask is that you
prepare yourself.

You can probably negotiate
down to just a hand job.

Thank you, Mr. Attorney.
I appreciate it.

Oh, uh, if you're going to give him
a hand job, make sure to wear rubber gloves.

That's what all the Japanese girls do.

Great.

Listen, you should look for
some telltale signs: if there's

jazz music on, if there's a fire
going in the fireplace and if

he's wearing a silk robe.

I like jazz.

Oh, I got it!

I got it.

All right, let's do this.

Let's go, let's go.

This is futile, guys.

This is pointless.

Fast forward, fast forward.

Gay stuff, gay stuff.

That's... look at that.

Fast forward.

Look at that.

Happiest day of their lives.

Whoa, whoa!

Look at that.

Okay, look.

Can you zoom in?

Yeah.

Looks like a Levitra ad.

There, I won!

No, no, he knocks me.

No, I won.

He tripped himself.

Look, Ruxin's foot hits his
other foot and he falls.

Look at his wild arms, like a maniac.

If I cared, I would say that
it was incidental contact.

Incidental contact.

That is incidental contact.

I'm making a ruling here.

Andre wins.

Oh, yeah, I'm the winner.

You know what? I accept it. It's better
than a goddamn tie.

Congratulations, Nosferatu.

All right, well...
you don't have to say that.

So, full disclosure...
I tripped myself.

You won that race fair and square.

True that.

Ugh.

Makes me hate you when you
say things like that.

(man chuckling)

There you are.

There you are!

We have been looking
everywhere for the two of you.

Sorry, we don't know you.

No, no, you don't, but we know you.

I'm Ryan, this is Nicholas, and
we just got married today.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And we videotaped it to commemorate the
ceremony, and someone stole our tape.

Oh, that is awful and...
Shameful.

It is, it is.

Fortunately, though,
we had two cameras.

Oh.

Yeah.

We watched the other tape,
and guess who we saw.

They went to the tape.

We went to the tape.

Come here.

Run!

Run!

Hey, Ed.

Hey, hey, hey.

How you doing?

- Good to see you. Come on in.
- Oh, hey, all right.

- Good to see you, man.
- You find it all right?

Yeah, I did. I found it, um...

- kind of great.
- Good.

Looking good, pal.

Looking good.
Come on in.

You know, I know we talked about
beer, but then I remembered I

had this fantastic French
Cab just sitting around.

I though "You know what?

If it's good enough for me,
it's good enough for Pete."

- To the Bears.
- To the Bears!

Mmm.

Come on, let's grab a
little couch time.

Uh, yeah.

Um... shit.

Okay, Ed.

Yeah?

Um, so here's the deal.

This is all great.

I, um... I just... I can't.

Okay?

I want to be able to do this.

I just don't think I can do it.

I thought maybe it could
just be a hand job.

What?

And then I was like, oh, for the
hand job, I don't... I don't

think I can do that,
even with a glove.

A glove?

Feels like I...
Honey, could you take Tim upstairs, please?

What are you talking about?

Who are those people?

That is my wife and my son.

What are you talking about, hand jobs?

Wait, so you're not...
you're not gay.

- No.
- No, you're not gay, okay.

- That's funny.
- Oh my God. You got an erection.

Oh, sorry, fear boner.

That's fear based. That is a fear boner.

I don't care what you call it.

Just, you know,
just get the hell out of here.

Come on, get out.

Fair enough, I'm just...
I'm gonna get out of here.

I'm just going to go ahead and
grab those tickets real quick.

Oh, no, you're not!
You're not getting those tickets.

I'm just going to...
I'm going to head for that door.

You'll never see me again.

Hey!

You give me those tickets!

(grunting)

I'm not gay!

I'm not gay!

I'm not gay!

Get your dick out of my face!

Get out of this house!

Get out!

(door slamming)

(panting)

Shh.

They still after us?

I don't know.

I heard something.

(grunting and panting)

Shh, shh, shh.

You hear that?

You hear that?

Stop it.

Shh.

Shut up.

Be quiet.

Shut up, okay?

What the heck are
y'all doing in there?

- Hey.
- Nothing.

What are you doing?

The park is closed after dark.

Y'all is trespassing and, from
the looks of it, fornicating.

No, we're not gay.

We're on the run from gays.

Well, I'm gay, and gays like you
give the rest of us a bad name.

- You're gay?
- I'm gay.

- But you're a cop.
- Yeah, but he's got a mustache.

Y'all both under arrest.
Get out of the damn bush.

No!

Hey, Thelma and Louise.

Heard you guys were making some
friends in the park tonight.

I obviously couldn't call Sofia, so thank
you very much for coming down here.

No problem.

Uh, when you guys were running,
which one of you ran faster?

What?

When you were fleeing, which
one of you fled faster?

We were fleeing.

It wasn't a race.

Oh, see, but the problem I'm having
is, I can only bail one of you out.

Why?

Well, I mean, there can only be
one winner, as you taught me.

No.

I couldn't think of a scenario where
I could bail both of you out.

Could you?

It was a...
A tie.

It was a tie.

I'm sorry, what?

- We... tied.
- We tied.

Oh geez Louise, can you guys accept that?

- Yes.
- Alright, great.

- Your commissioner will bail you out.
- You're commissioner again?

Was I ever not?

Good song, man.

What's next?

♪ In due time it will return
To its flaccidla state. ♪

Ooh, ooh!

- Play "Pete's Tiny Erect Dick."
- Oh, come on!

Two, three, four.

♪ Pete's little tiny erect dick
No one knew what to do with it

♪ Meegan laughed 'cause she
couldn't find it couldn't find it

Couldn't find it. ♪