The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 3, Episode 12 - Hair of the Dog - full transcript

Todd and Tandy look into Melissa's past before the virus to find answers about her illness, while Carol gets a new outlook on life.

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Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...
This is for her own safety.
We don't know what we're doing.
We're not doctors.
Has anybody seen my mom?
Come find me!
(bullet ricochets)
(Gail groans)
I've only flown
in a simulator.
You got to take
that leap one day.
Okay, I'm gonna do it.
(all cheering)
(Carol screams)
TANDY: I created something
to honor Lewis
and help us see the light.
(light groan)
Hey, look who's back.
Went pretty hard
up in Napa, huh?
Looks like someone
needs a vacation
after a vacation,
am I right?
JK, you look great.
Everyone's in the common room.
I'll be right up.
Oh, good God, Gail!
I told you she wasn't
the "D" word.
You're back! Hi.
Oh, Gail. Ugh,
you smell like
the inside of an
unwashed sock puppet.
Must have been
quite the bender, huh?
CAROL: Looks like you got
some wine on your leg there.
Someone needs to go back
to drinking school.
It's supposed to go
in your mouth, Gail.
Look what the cat dragged in.
Nice of you
to finally join us, Gail.
This whole place
has fallen apart.
You decide to go party down
on your own.
Hey, I think she's trying
to say something.
Oh, geez.
Wine. She needs wine!
ERICA: Maybe we should
elevate her head.
No, no, we need
to leave her neck unkinked
for maximum air flow.
Okay, here, Gail.
This should help.
Here we go.
Oh, what did you give her?
It's a Sex on the Beach.
Here, force it down.
Hair of the dog.
Hair of the dog.
I'm not hungover, you idiot.
I have been trapped
in an elevator and
I've got a friggin'...
bullet hole in my leg.
Whoa. Wait, who shot you?
CAROL: Whoa.
ERICA: What?
I did.
It's always the person
you least expect.
I was just...
trying to get some alone time.
Because I bugged you so much?
No, no.
Well, yes,
but no.
I just needed some space,
and so I was heading up
to the roof next door
when I got trapped because
the damn power went out.
I was in there for, like,
ten days.
And I kept
shooting off bullets,
but I guess nobody heard me.
And then
I got zipped by a ricochet
and I just...
...I started fading.
I said a prayer, and, um,
loaded up my last bullet
and thought that was it.
God, Gail, that's awful.
Ten days?
What did you do for your...
you know...
private business?
What? It's a valid question.
Mini fridge.
Go on.
It really was hell on Earth.
I just... thought for sure
I was gonna die in there.
And then...
by the grace of God,
the power came back on.
Oh, uh, that was me... and God.
You know, uh,
God working through me.
Standard, uh, vessel situation,
you know, but, uh, bottom line,
yes, I, uh, turned
the power back on. Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I thought I was never gonna see
your idiot face again.
Get in here, you dumb turd.
One dumb turd coming in hot.
Come on.
Oh, get in here, all y'all.
Oh, my God.
We're so glad
you're back.
Thank you, and
where's the others?
Where's Lewis?
I'll take this.
Gail, uh... got something
we have to tell you about Lewis.
(inhales deeply)
Lewis, uh...
is great.
He just got
into CrossFit and P90X.
Uh, he's super into
muscle confusion.
H-He's not confused
about it or f...
he's just focused and-and vital
and feeling...
How'd he die?
Minor plane crash.
And how about Melissa?
So, you just locked her up
in there?
We had no other choice.
She was a danger to herself.
Well, I know exactly
what she's going through.
Trapped in a box. Poor thing.
You know what, Gail,
you need your rest.
Why don't we roll you into an
elevator and get you upstairs?
Uh, I am not getting
in no damn elevator.
Oh, 'cause you just
got stuck in one?
Gail, you know,
we live on this floor.
Wh-Why don't you
come stay with us
until you feel better?
Oh, it might be nice
to have someone
look after me for a while.
So, thanks.
Let me get you here.
Okay, take your time.
There you go.
What's all this?
Oh, oh, that's nothing.
Let me just get that
stuff out of your way.
You gave me the friggin'
googly-eye treatment.
I was angry at the time.
I'm sorry.
I deserved it.
No, you didn't.
I mean, to have
no control over your pupils
like a substitute teacher?
No one deserves that,
not even a picture.
Carol... it's fine. Relax.
Oh. Relax. I'm way ahead of you.
That's my whole thing now,
is just relaxing
during situations.
I mean, so much
has changed
since I drove you away,
and I'm not just talking
about the amount of human waste
in your mini fridge.
I've mellowed out now. Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah, now they call me
the Mellow Submarine
or John Cougar Mellow-camp,
and Old Meller, and, hey, it's
Henry Wadsworth Long-Mellow.
Carol, I get it.
I'm mellow.
You sure you're okay
with me taking your bed?
Oh, absolutely.
Tandy and I'll make do,
and I'll just be outside
relaxing during situations.
Mellow-nor Roosevelt out.
Nobody comes into my house and
tries to take over my hallway.
Damn it. Split.
Tandy. Tandy.
I figured it out, man.
Oh, great, bud. What is it?
We're going to Akron.
Perfect. Let's do it.
Oh, uh, uh, uh, and why
are we going to A-Akron?
'Cause that's
where Melissa's from.
Of course. Let's go.
Let's go.
Uh, but what-what
does that matter?
Well, 'cause last night
I couldn't stop thinking
about what Gail said
about being trapped in that box.
Hell on Earth, she called it.
Well, Melissa's trapped
in a box, too, man.
Well, yeah,
I mean she's only trapped
in a sense that she can't leave
whenever she wants.
Like, you know, the traditional
sense of the word "trapped."
Yeah, you got a point.
Yeah, and
we got to figure this out.
I mean,
we can't keep her in there
It's solid loge,
but how will going
to Akron help?
'Cause that's where
she grew up, man.
That's where her
family's from.
Her medical records
are probably there.
Who knows what we could learn?
You know, and if nothing else,
she'll get a little time
out of that box.
Wait, she's going with us?
Yeah, she wouldn't tell me
her address.
Todd, if I'm being honest,
I think
we're making a huge mistake
for not having done this
You go grab Melissa,
I'll go get my travel underwear.
(Todd yells)
Pick up that spare first.
Picked up the spare!
Why are you being so stubborn
about giving us your address?
We're doing this
to help you.
People are very
worried about you.
You're sterile.
And Carol's pregnant
with Mike's baby.
Just words.
You see, I-I'm rubber,
and you're glue,
and whatever you say bounces
off me and sticks to you.
So you're sterile.
See, now we're getting
somewhere, huh?
Laughter is the
best medicine.
No, I was just thinking
about your tiny penis.
Carol told me
all about it.
Uh, so you know
my balls are huge, though.
She said
those are really small, too.
I'm gonna have to talk
to Carol about this.
And just so you know,
I'm proud of my little tea set.
Yep, uh-huh, and by the way,
you have a small penis. Mm-hmm.
Okay, next subject.
What is your freaking address
in Akron?
One-Sixth of an Inch Avenue,
Tandy's Penis Is Tiny City,
(stammering): You know what--
you know what, where you live?
You live on the intersection
of, uh, uh,
You Don't Know
What You're Talking About Street
and, uh, uh, Mind Your Own
Business Boulevard.
God! I don't know why you
don't want us to help you.
We'll find your place.
And by the way,
my penis is way larger
than one-sixth of an inch.
Well, larger than one-sixth
of an inch.
Uh, thanks.
Oh, no, it's not
an age-related gift.
This is for your leg.
Now, see, I didn't really go
to the age thing,
but now that you say it,
there it is.
Hey, Gail?
Oh, you two are talking.
Sorry. Don't want to interrupt.
Oh, Carol, it's okay.
Come hang out.
Oh, no.
No, I just noticed
that you weren't at our house.
Of course you're not,
'cause you're right here.
Duh, Carol. Anyway,
I didn't know
if you had
left, left, like,
did you move out?
'Cause you can.
I mean, I don't own you.
I just don't know if
I should strip the bed
or whatever,
just stop it, Carol!
Carol? Carol.
I'm still staying in there.
Oh, yeah? That's awesome.
Sweet, all right.
Cool, well, whatever.
You know, just forget
I even showed up here.
Rewind, right?
(makes rewinding noises)
(rewinding noises
Okay. I know I'm
still recovering,
but she's weirder
than normal, right?
I really can't tell
So this is you, huh?
Ah, and just our luck,
she lived in a
19-story walk-up.
Hey, Melissa.
Thanks for telling us
where you lived,
this is really gonna help us
help you.
So, uh, this bringing back
some good memories or...
You better come
take a look at this.
Ah, God.
I know.
I mean, first of all,
she's dealing with
the pain of adoption.
And then,
they don't let her
into any
of their family pictures.
How brutal.
Look what you made,
you monsters!
Tandy, she's not adopted.
(Melissa laughs)
You know, Melissa,
this is not funny.
Okay? Why won't you
let us help you?
We need you to
take us to your house.
Good night.
(door closes)
Body in the bed.
(body clunks on floor)
All clear!
Not a very
auspicious start.
Yeah, that's probably, uh,
how the Titanic felt, as well.
The movie, you know.
You know,
second only to Avatar.
That's a pretty cool thing.
Tandy! Melissa's gone!
What? Where?
Ju... Come on!
I-I... Come on!
TANDY: Where? Where?
I don't know!
Damn it, we lost her again!
I'm stupid!
This is getting ridiculous!
Todd, don't
panic, okay?
Not to harp on
the Titanic,
but there are solid lessons
to be gleaned there.
Now, you remember
that string quartet
and how calm they were
when the ship was sinking?
Tandy, they sank with the ship
and died.
Yes, in the movie.
But yeah, no, now I'm talking
about the actual event.
Yeah, they died
in that, too.
Oh, they did, now?
Wait, Tandy,
Oh, my God, one
of my billboards!
No, look at the picture.
Oh, my God.
Oh, hey, look at that.
Nice blazer.
Blazer? I hardly
knew her. Boom.
Okay, let's look for her desk.
Maybe we can figure out
where she lives.
All right.
Talk to me, Chartres,
where'd you close those
mother friggin' deals?
Aha! Got it.
Got it, got it, got it.
All right.
Okay, in order to
find out where she lives,
we got to get ourselves
in the mindset.
Okay, I'm on the phone,
I'm selling houses.
Got a big house
on Baltic Avenue,
got a red hotel
on Park Place.
Okay, trapped
in a high stakes bidding war,
this is gonna be
a long day.
Okay, coffee, coffee, sale.
Coffee, sale.
Sale, coffee.
Sale, sale.
You know it's a good day when
you got more sales than coffees.
Okay, 5:00 rolls around,
the whistle blows,
the foreman yells,
"It's quitting time!"
You clean up
your desk area.
I crop-dust
my boss' office.
They never guess it's me,
'cause I'm a lady in a blazer.
Head for the door.
But where do I go? Got it!
But where is home?
Oh, Tandy, I got it.
Of course!
She's a subscriber
to Modern Bathroom and Kitchen
It was right in front
of our faces the whole time!
This is gonna lead us
right to her.
Now where are the most modern
bathrooms and kitchens?
New York City. Let's go.
No, Tandy.
No, her address is
on the magazine.
Even better!
New York or Chicago?
It's Akron.
Oh, that's handy.
Knock, knock, knock.
Tortilla chip delivery.
They're scoops, of course.
Oh, Carol.
I don't need anything special.
Copy that, Gail.
You may have noticed
that I called you Gail?
Rather than Mom.
Because you are obviously
not my mom.
And those silly adoption papers
that I drew up,
they were never official.
Gail, just to clarify,
I think what happened is I said,
"Let's be mother and daughter."
And you were like,
"You're serious?"
And then you just ran with it
and I was like, "Gail, wait!"
But you were
a runaway train.
(laughs) So just know,
it was always Goof City, USA,
two ladies who are not related.
Yeah, okay.
Want a jump?
That burn should hold.
Here you go, just friend.
Come on, toke it.
Don't. Don't. Stop it.
Yeah, come on,
here you go.
Inhale, just relax.
Just, go, be...
Carol, I don't want
the damn cigarette!
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
I mean, you're being so fake.
Why are you
doing this?
Because I don't want you
to leave me again.
(relieved sigh)
Yeah, this is her place.
TANDY (softly):
Look at all this.
Oh, thank God.
(voice breaking):
We got to figure this out.
We got to fix her.
We will, okay?
The answer's
in here somewhere.
We'll find it.
We'll find it.
(through stereo):
♪ Together ♪
♪ We're gonna find our way ♪
GAIL: What on Earth
are you doing?
Lock and popping.
Todd showed me how to do it.
It's therapeutic.
♪ To learn all about ♪
We need to talk.
(music stops)
Look, I already know
what's happening.
I scared you away
with my extreme
My whole life I've been
alienating people.
Don't think
I don't know it.
Sweet pea,
the whole time
I was in that stupid elevator,
all I thought about was you.
You and
your grammar rules
and your glitter
and your extremely loud outfits
and all the stuff
that I didn't want
to be a part of.
Of which you didn't
want to be a part.
Yes! Ooh, see?
I hate that! Mm!
that's the woman that
I want to take
a family photo with.
Wait, what?
Let's take your dumb-ass
family photo.
Oh! Okay, well... Oh, oh,
we do not have to wear
the same outfit.
You know, I'll never make you
do that again.
It's a family photo.
♪ ♪
How's it going?
You find anything?
All I found out was
how much I don't know.
I mean,
look at these pictures.
I've been in a relationship
with this woman for so long,
and I had no idea
who she was.
You know, I... I never knew
that she minored
in graphic design
or that...
she did missionary work
in Uganda.
Had a Pomeranian.
I mean, there's just
a whole life here,
you know,
that's just gone.
I'm realizing
I never really knew her.
The way things are going,
I'm never, ever
gonna get a chance to.
I'm starting to
lose hope, bud.
Hey, I don't want
to hear that.
You're the best
person I know.
And if I was in
Melissa's situation,
you're the person I'd want
in charge of figuring it out.
(footsteps approaching)
♪ ♪
What did you just do?
Y-You just took a pill.
It-It was in your purse.
C-Can you tell me
what that is?
I don't know.
Can-Can I have it?
Only one left.
All right,
let's get you home.
Isn't this a gorgeous spot?
This is where
Tandy helped me
rediscover hope for the future.
And subsequently
where we performed
the loving act
for five full minutes.
Well, that's good to know.
It's been under five
for a while now.
It's something we're working on.
TMI, Carol.
Oh, "too minimal information"?
Well, we've started doing this
thing where, when we disrobe...
Let's do the photos.
Okay, say "limburger."
Burst mode!
(camera shutter
clicking rapidly)
Limburger, limburger, limburger,
limburger, come on!
BOTH: Limburger, limburger,
limburger, limburger,
limburger, limburger, limburger.
♪ ♪
(clicks tongue, then sighs)
Eyes closed, mouth open.
Carol, can you just close
your mouth for one second?
Geezy peezy,
Gail, you taking a nap?
Oh, that's nice...
♪ ♪
(gasps softly)
Jiminy Glick.
Uncle Stinky.
(horn honking)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
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