The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 3, Episode 13 - Find This Thing We Need To - full transcript

Carol enlists Tandy and Erica to help find answers when she makes a shocking discovery. In the meantime, Todd has a breakthrough with Melissa.

Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...

I figured it out, man.
We're going to Akron!

That's where's Melissa's from.

Who knows what we could learn?

Melissa, you just took a pill.

Only one left.

Let's take your dumb-ass family photo.

- BOTH: Limburger! Limburger! Limburger!
- (camera shutter clicking)

Jiminy Glick.

Thank you, everyone, for coming.

Please take a seat.

You'll notice I've placed a hat

in front of each of you.

You're gonna want to hold onto it.

What's going on, Care Bear?

Just a seismic shift in
reality as we know it.

What you're about to see

will shock and astound
you to your very core.

For the weak of stomach,

feel free to use the hat as a barf bag.

And now,

prepare to question everything. Behold!

- Cute!
- Ah!

Oh, those came out good.

No. Look closer... in the background.

TODD: Wait. What-what is that thing?

It-It's probably just some tiny acorn.

You got to remember, the
camera adds ten pounds.

Ever tried to take a
picture of a scale on zero?

- Can't do it.
- Huh.

It'll always say ten.

Tandy, I thought it was
an obese acorn myself

until I did this.

- TODD: Oh, my God.
- (Erica gasps)

- What is that?
- (gasps)

It's moving!

Looks like we have company.

And that company... is a Yoda.

TANDY (à la Yoda): Find this thing

- we need to.
- CAROL: Tandy,

I think you mean "Find this
thing to which we need."

Oh. Sorry.

We don't even know what that is.

Oh, it's pretty clearly a Yoda.

TANDY: Think we're making a mistake

by putting all our eggs

in this Yoda basket.

I mean, could be some sort of gremlin

or yeti or troll.

Oh, wait. No, trolls don't exist.

But, look, there's also a
chance we could be looking

at a board-certified medical doctor.

What if it's another
crazy person like Pat?

Yeah, if they were friendly,

wouldn't they have
introduced themselves already?

If they were harmful, wouldn't
they have hurt us already?

Well, okay, well, why wouldn't
they have said anything?

(stammers) We're probably just
dealing with a shy individual.

Most people are scared to
engage others in conversation.

That's why, if you ever
see me at a social event,

no one's ever talking to me.

CAROL: Tandy, look,

Gail's injured. Todd... you
have to take care of Melissa.

I just don't think the group can handle

a full-on manhunt right now.

No, we have to do this.

Look, Lewis gave his life
trying to find a doctor for us.

And if he knew there
was someone out there

and we weren't doing everything we could

to try to find them, he'd
be rolling over in his ashes.

That is a good point.


We'll do it for Lewis.

Oh, thank you.

As Lewis used to say,

"That's great."

Oh. There she is.

(laughs) Yeah, I was just,

uh, putting up some pictures

- you brought back from Akron.
- Okay.


can you, can you look at me?

Please? Um,

you remember this pill?


You-you took one of 'em back in Akron.



God. Hon, what are you thinking about?

Santa's penis.

Okay. Can-can we please
focus here, all right?

I need to know what this pill is.

Santa's penis.

Okay, now, I know

you think it's funny talking
about Santa's genitalia,

and it is, okay?

It's funny imagery

because of his body size
and white pubic hair, but

there's a time and a place.

Okay? And right now I need your help.

- Santa's penis?
- Oh.

Great. Well,

guess I'm gonna have to
figure this out on my own.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

(clears throat)

TANDY: Yeah, this is the spot.

All right, you see any clues?

Any droppings which might
help us shed some light

on the nature of this
potentially dangerous beast?

Look, look over there. There's a house.

TANDY (quietly): Oh, my God.

All right, let's go get back
in the van and check it out.

(quietly): Guys, I can't see the van.


(car lock remote chirps)

- Oh, there it is.
- Oh.

Over in that area.

- Don't forget the...
- Tandy, all the stuff.

TANDY: Oh, left my friggin'
binoculars and my picture.

Ah, Mondays.

TANDY: Be very quiet.

- Okay.
- Tandy.

(whispering): You guys
wait in here, okay?

I'm gonna go make sure it's safe.

(whispering): How will you let us know?

I'll make a bird sound.

Birds don't exist. They're
gonna know someone's here.

Okay, I'll make a wind sound.

(door creaks open)

(exhales loudly)

Oh, gol, he's choking! He's choking.

- (exhales loudly)
- ERICA: No.

I think he's making his wind sound.

(exhales loudly)

Yeah, he's doing wind.


Hey, Todd?

- Ah.
- Can I ask you a little favor?

Uh, you know, I'm kind
of busy at the moment.

Well, I know. I was just hoping
that you could go grab my accordion?

I left it over in that elevator,

and I'm having a whale
of a time with the stairs.

- Yeah, I'm sorry. Can this wait?
- Hmm.

It's kind of an emergency.

I got this Thin Lizzy
song stuck in my head,

- and I need to just put it to my fingers.
- It's just,

you know, I got to focus
on Melissa right now.

She used to take this pill, you know,

and I got to figure out what it is.

She won't just tell you?

No, she's being very uncooperative.

All she talks about is Santa's penis.

- What'd she say about it?
- I don't know.

I think she's messing
around, but I'm gonna go see

if I can find a match at the pharmacy.

Do you want a little help?

Shouldn't you be resting up?

You forget who you're dealing with here.

(à la Yoda): Found our
Yoda, looks like we did.

Well, this is our guy.

Let's see what we got here.

Games, mostly single-player in nature.

Guy's a lone wolf.

Ah, Hungry Hungry Hippo.

But no marbles for them to eat.

Potential sociopath.

Soda, huh.

That's pee, yeah.

Or wait, is that ginger ale?

No, pee.


Healthy interest in real
estate, a capitalist.

And if I'm to believe
all the recommended ages

on the board games, we're
dealing with an individual

between the ages of eight and 80.

So who are you,

you young or elderly punk?

Tandy, I think it's pretty
obvious it's a little boy.

I mean, look at these toys.

There's forks in the electrical sockets,

and this costume is tiny.

Well, not so fast, Erica.

We might just be dealing
with a Benjamin Buttons type,

so we must use an abundance of caution.

For though small in stature,
he's lived a lifetime.

Benjamin Buttons...
that's a movie.

Based on the actual curious case

of the very real Benji Buttons.

It's Benjamin Button, and it was a book.

I think the word you're
looking for is "novel."

You can take that from
someone who's read one.

Guys, check these out.

Man on fish porn.

It's rather crude, but,
uh, she'll get the job done.

No, Tandy. That's you

giving mouth-to-mouth to Gail the Fish

that night we were camping.

Wow. He must have been watching us.

Oh, yeah. That's what that is.

(laughing): That's cute.

He's celebrating me.

He's got some sort
of hero deal going on.

I'm just a man.

I just feel so bad

that this child's living here
all by himself in this mess.

- ERICA: Yeah.
- Yeah.

It takes me back to my days in Tucson.

I thought I was the only one left.

Well, look, whatever it is,

whether it's a toddler
or a Benji, it needs us.

Yeah, so what are we gonna do?

We just got to draw him out of hiding.

And I have just the thing.

Oh, look.

- Let's see.
- I think I might have found one.

Huh? Oh, let's see it.

White, circular, no markings.

You know, let's put it with the maybes.

Ooh, what have we here?

Oh, come on, Gail, that's a Xanax.

Yeah, but are we sure?

Better check it out just in case.

- Look, can we focus here? Huh?
- Uh...

Just hand me the pill, please.

The pill, Gail.


The pill.

- Uh...
- What?

Where is it?

Okay, Todd. The good news is

it is in the vicinity.


Uh, I think it is this guy...

Oh, wait. It's this guy, or...

Todd, I done lost the pill.

Oh, come on, Gail.

(through clenched teeth): Damn it.

Candy! Come get your candy!

(whoops and laughs)

Oh, my goodness, this
is delicious candy!

And there's so much of it!

(hoots and whoops)

Hey, and if candy's not your bag,

we've got a whole slew of items

catering to a more experienced taste.

Talking to you, Benji!

Yeah, we got, uh...

Metamucil, BluBlockers,

hearing aids,

couple Judging Amy DVDs,

you got a box of Depends diapie-diaps.

It's a world of pure imagination

for young and old alike.

♪ It's raining Fixodent! ♪

Todd, the results are in.

That pill tested positive for Xanax.

Gail, that pill was our only lead.

I said I was sorry.

It doesn't seem like you are.

Well, I am.

Well, then I guess all is forgiven.

Todd... Todd.

(singsongy): Todd.


Will you drop me off at
the other building, please?


Because I have to get

my accordion out of the elevator.

I guess you're not gonna do it,

so I guess I'm gonna do it.

No, I'll get it.

Well, don't do me any favors.

Look, I said I'll get it, I'll get it.


You know what?

I'm gonna put this right here.

That is good for what you got.

Great. Thank you.

You're welcome.

TANDY: Well, the
T-shirt cannons worked.

You found the kid?

No, I just mean they shot off

everything I put in there
very, very far... yes.

So you guys, uh, cleaned
up this whole house?

Yeah, we thought we'd make it nice

for when this kid comes back.

Kids love a clean room.

Yeah. Yep, they sure do.

Hey, Carol.

Remember when we first
met back in Tucson?

And how you cleaned up my house?

You know, I don't think I
ever got a thank you for that.

- And I never got an apology.
- Excuse me?

I just didn't want you
messing with my stuff.

And I don't think this kid
wants us messing with his.

He wants us to leave.

But guess what.

That's not gonna happen,
'cause I have a plan.

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna leave.

CAROL: Tandy.

We can't just leave.

Don't you see?! He doesn't want us here!

We have to leave!

And we're never coming back!

CAROL: I know this is
frustrating, Tandy,

but it might just take this kid
a little while to warm up to us.

You know, when I was 11,

we had a neighborhood skunk,

and he would spray me,

and I would spray him right
back with my garden mister.

Well, the sprayings lessened over time

until one day we were
both sitting on the curb,

looked into each others
eyes, and basically said,

"Hey, we're not so
different, you and I."

Ultimately we were, though.

He had rabies and I had to get a shot

in my stomach for 60 months.

But for a brief time
we were inseparable.

ERICA: Shouldn't we at least

wait around, like, a little bit longer?

No, we shouldn't.

What are you up to, Tandy?

Don't worry. I know what to do
here, 'cause I know this guy.

You haven't even met him,
so how can you know him?

Because that little boy
or old man in a child body

is me... Carol, take the wheel.

- Come get me in the morning!
- Tandy, no!

(grunting and groaning)

It's all part of the plan.

(groans) Worth it.

TODD (imitating Gail): "Hey,
don't do me any favors,


Oh, here's the stupid elevator.

(elevator bell dings)

Oh, my God.


Thank you.


Gail, I had no idea.

How's that?

What you went through in there.

It's okay.

No, I-I've been so focused on
Melissa, I've had blinders on.

There's no way you could've known, Todd.

Still, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

I-I got you one more thing.



I'm really happy he
was in there with you.

I was, too.

Thank you.

Fine, you're welcome, hon.

All right. We got Gordon fixed up.

Let's go see what we
can do about Melissa.

Where the hell are you?

I'm not here anymore.

You saw me drive off.

Why won't you go back in there?

Ah, screw it.

Okay! Hey, the jig is up!

Yeah! I'm a person, not a bush!

I'm sorry to have lied to you!

And just know I'm not
leaving till you come back!

You know? I mean, it'd be nice
if it was on the sooner side!

It's getting pretty cold out.

All I got on under
this thing is a Beefy-T.

Anyway, I'm here!

Still hanging in there!

My nipples are like
diamonds at this point!

Okay, well, ready whenever you
are for a little meet and greet!


That's a shortening of the
phrase "looking forward to it"!

Just made that up.

It's gonna save me a lot
of time in the future.

Okay! Well, I'll see you soon!

Again, looforwarto't!


Still here!

Yeah, nature called, and
I am currently answering!

Yeah, went a little
hard on the prune juice!

That's something you'll learn about me!

Major prune guy!

Anyway, I'm here for you whenever!

Uh, actually, you know what,
now might not be the best time!

Might want to give it about two. Yeah.

(laughs) No pun intended! Boom.

Actually, better make it three!

(chuckles) Hey, looforwarto't!

♪ Take one down, pass it around ♪

♪ 2,553 bottles of
Richard Gere on the wall ♪

♪ Two thousand... ♪
Oh, God.

Okay, look!

Enough is enough!

I don't know why you
won't come out here!

Huh?! Is it 'cause of the
whole housecleaning thing?!

'Cause I didn't do that! That wasn't me!

I would never do that to you! I promise!

See, not too long ago,
I was exactly like you!

All alone, living in a messy house!

And then one day some woman...
the same woman, actually...

you know, she came in and
tried to clean it all up!

I hated it!

But now that woman

is the woman that makes
me looforwarto't each day!

And that can happen for you
if you'd just give it a chance!


So what do you say?!


(door opens)

- Any luck?
- (door closes)

She just keeps talking
about Santa's penis.

She's got a real
hankering for Santa's junk.


- You find anything?
- I mean,

there's about a million drugs in there.

I just wish she'd give us
some kind of a clue, you know?





I think she did.





- Claus-o-peen.
- Claus-o-peen.

- Claus-o-peen. Claus-a-peen.
- Claus-a-peen.

- Santa Claus' penis.
- Santa Claus' penis!

Santa Claus' penis. Can I
see that, please? Thank you.


Uh, Gail, it's a match.
It's-it's a match.

- Uh, uh, here.
- Yeah?

"Antipsychotic medication
treating bipolar disorder,

severe anxiety, some forms
of posttraumatic stress"!

- Santa's penis is clozapine.
- Santa's penis is clozapine!

BOTH: Santa's penis is clozapine!
Santa's penis is clozapine!


(chuckles) That was fun.

- Did you see that? I did a roll-out.
- Yeah.


Tandy, are you okay? Oh.

No, I'm not okay.

All right? I poured my heart
out to that little piece of crap,

and he just stonewalled me.

I mean, he knew I was out here,

freezing my upper body off,

and he just let me suffer.

Well, how do you know he knew?

Oh, he knew. He knew.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Oh, no, wait. I want to give
the little guy something to eat.

I made some teriyaki
Cheetos from scratch.

Carol, that little fartknocker
doesn't deserve your cooking.

I hope it's not too delicious.

Oh, it's not.

TANDY: What kills me
is I thought that me

and this little kid or
Benji had a connection.

But we don't. He's just
business-class suck.

I got to say, I think
we dodged a bullet here.

You know, I mean, there
are so many red flags.

It's like that old saying, you know,

"Sometimes you just have
to give up on a kid." Yeah.

And if it's a Benji Buttons,
I hope he dies a brutal birth.

Yeah, screw

that place, huh?

Good-bye, good riddance, huh?

Well, nothing a little
lemonade can't cure.

- (screams)
- What?!

(all screaming)