The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 11 - Pitch Black - full transcript

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

I had one brother.

You had a brother? I didn't know that.

Well, you try living in
a pod for three years

with nothing but a bunch of worms?

Captain Mike Miller, signing off.

I can't believe I didn't see you.

We got to come up with a name for you?

Here goes nothing.

It's not looking good.

♪ ♪



Farts!

Farts.... farts.

Farts, farts, farts, farts.

... farts!

Farts.

Yeah, I know it's not a lifeboat, okay?!

It's the best I could do!

Yeah!

We made it, Phil.

We made it.

We're okay.

We're going to be okay.

Okay, okay.

Next stopland.



♪ In the twilight glow I see you ♪

♪ Blue eyes cryin' ♪

♪ In the rain ♪

♪ When we kissed good-bye ♪

♪ And parted ♪

♪ I knew we'd never meet again ♪

♪ Love is like a dying... ♪

We're gonna die here.

We're gonna die.

Phil, is that you?

You're so stupid, you don't even know

your own brother, you friggin' turd.

Wh-what are you doing here?

I missed you, Mike.

You're such a good little sister.

What is that red stuff in there?

"What is that red stuff in there?"

It's Kool-Aid, you dip.

So I can drink it while I'm floating.

You're so dumb.

You're so dumb.

Shut your butt.

I can't. It's got a permanent hole.

You know what else has a
permanent hole in it?

Your head.

Get it together.

You can't give up.

You just came from outer space,

you friggin' fartface.

Now, wake up.

♪ ♪

Hey!

Hey, over here!

Over here!

Hello!

Hey!

Hello!

Hello.

We're going to be okay.

We got a boat, we got...
we got... we got...

We got maps.

Hell, we got food.

You know what, all we need now

is some clean underwear and
we'll be in great shape.

Bingo.

Phil.

May I present to you
the new and improved

Mike Miller.

What do you think?

You like my duds, bud?

What?

You want to see a fashion show?

Yeah, sure.

I think we could get
used to this, right?

I wouldn't get too comfortable just yet.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold on, hold on, hold on!

Whoa, please,

don't, don't, don't,
don't shoot me, okay?

Or, spear me, please.

- Who the hell are you?
- I'm, an astronaut.

And I-I-I just came from space.

Were you exposed to the virus?

Were you exposed to the virus?

No, no. I... like I said,
I-I've been in the

international space station
for the last three years.

I just splashed down to
Earth about three days ago.

I promise.

Haven't been to land?

No, no, no, no. I-I-I found this,

water bike and I've just
been triking around

the last few days, until
I found your boat.

And, and I'm using,
your shirt, I assume.

And your underwear.

And I-I-I had some, some,

some crackers and some of your water.

I apologize, but,

I, I come in peace. I promise.

Okay.

I didn't mean to scare you.

You slip up just once, and...

You know?

Yeah.

I can, I can imagine, yeah.

Pat Brown, last man on Earth.

Not any more.

So good.

Skunky as hell, but just...
I love it, I don't care.

Beer,

she is a sweet, sweet mistress.

Yeah, she is, yeah.

So, Pat, you, you always been a seaman?

By that I mean, a sailor.

Not, you know, sperm.

No, I got, I got ya, I got...

No, I haven't, but you
know, since the virus hit,

I said, Pat,

what better excuse to buy a boat?

So then you just came out here?

Hightailed it.

Yeah, kept my distance.

Listened to the news until there
was no more news to listen to.

So you've been out here the whole time?

I go in and get what I need.

Grab essentials,

and burn rubber back here
to this little lady...

...Deez Knots.

Deez Knots, I get it.

Played my cards right.

That virus hasn't taken me down, yet.

Maybe you're immune.

Nobody's immune, Mike.

You know, sometimes I'll...
I'll anchor offshore at night.

Big cities. Miami. New York.

New Orleans.

Not one light.

Pitch black.

Pitch black.

So a black hole is

actually not black?

Well, you know, the accepted term now

is African-American hole.

No, they're... they're... they're
not, technically, black.

No, they're, you know,

it's actually the absence of color.

Well, then, why don't they call
it "an absence of color" hole?

Yeah, that's a good point.

Okay, well, soup's on.

So what do we got?

What is this,

it looks like yams or something?

Potatoes.

Well, there's a little, a little
rust from the can, but...

They taste good, though.

Okay.

Well, that's the best
rust I've ever tasted.

So where are you from, Spaceman?

Um, me, I'm, from Arizona.

Leave a family behind?

Well, I never had one of my own, no.

But my, you know, my parents
and my brother are in Tucson.

Were.

Yeah. Yeah, right, were.

Yeah. Yeah.

Um, what about you?

I had a family.

Are you, are you a Scotch guy?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Well...

Whoa.

Are you kidding me?

Th... that's a bottle
of Macallan's 1939?

Yep.

This is a $10,000 bottle of Scotch.

Yeah, I got a bunch of 'em.

What is up with this crazy little guy?

He's making a break for it.

- You talking about Phil?
- Yeah.

My boy, Phil?

He's grabbed a hold of me.

He likes me.

So, Pat, you, you heading in

to get supplies any time soon?

No, not really.

Just, I'm pretty stocked up now.

Any way I could get you to
take me in there, maybe?

Why would you want to go
do something like that?

Like I said, you know, I
have a family, and...

You had a family.

You and I are alive.

That means other people
might have made it.

It might be genetic, you know,
there's a lot of very...

What part of pitch black
do you not understand?

I'd like to see it for myself.

Maybe I should show you your quarters.

Hey.

Keep it down.

Yeah.

There's a very good chance
he's going to kill and eat me.

There he is.

Hi, Pat.

Is my breath okay?

Am I being honest?

God, I'm sorry, Mike.

No need to get self-conscious, buddy.

'Cause we're, we're good here.

Good.

'Cause I want to be good here.

Something I can help you with, Pat?

You know, I've been thinking.

And maybe we should go ashore.

Ye... yeah, that'd be great.

You get a chance to have a peek-a-boo,

see that I'm talking to you straight.

There's nothing in there you
want to get mixed up in.

- Right.
- Then we head back out here

for a serious margarita or three.

Thank you.

One more thing.

If we are going to do this...

we're going to do it my way.

♪ ♪

My God, I made it.

I made it.

I made it, I made it.

You done making love to the ground, son?

'Cause we really need to hustle,
I don't like being on land

any longer than I have to.

No, I-I-I-I understand, Pat, I...

I can't believe... I-I
wish I could take off

these boots and just feel
the sand between my toes.

Well, I wouldn't risk
doing that, you know,

unless you want to get
the virus and then

seeing every hole of your body
evacuating blood and stool.

Every which way from here till Sunday.

I'm talking every hole.

Nostrils, eyes, ears...

- Yeah, loud and clear, Pat, okay.
- Mouth.

Butthole. Yeah, you made your point.

You know, peehole.

It's just amazing to be back

on this beautiful, beautiful Earth.

I mean, look at th...

And that is a condom.

That's what that is.

- All right, moving.
- Ay-ay-ay-ay.

Okay, yeah.

So what was your, your top seller?

Choco Tacos.

Chipwiches. Fudgesicles.

You know, I was always a
chocolate banana man, myself.

Wow. Sigmund Freud, he'd have
a field day with you, boy.

I bet he would.

Because a banana's a rough shape

of the male anatomy, you know.

- No, yeah, no, I got all that, yeah.
- Yeah.

Made that connection.
And chocolate on it.

No, yeah. On the banana.

- Got that one, too.
- Yeah. Wow.

No, it was... the joke wa... was...

- was good as it was, man.
- Well.

Didn't need that. I-I got you.

It's just so... quiet.

It's going to sound weird, but I...

I miss the noise, you know?

The sounds of cars driving,
and horns honking.

People talking, laughing,
radios, like, just...

It's so empty.

I mean, where are all the bodies?

You want to see bodies, Spaceman?

I'll show you bodies.

There were big emergency staging
areas like this in every city.

Most people died in their own homes.

Well, at least they
were around loved ones.

That's not a horrible way to go.

If you like coughing up blood

and oozing brain goo out your ears.

Sure.

Every hole.

Nostrils...

You don't have to...

- Mouth.
- Yeah, right.

- Butthole.
- Here we go again, okay.

Peehole.

No, I-I-I get you, Pat.

I'm good on all the holes.

I-I understand the visual, thank you.

If you didn't stay home,

you ended up in places like this.

Although sometimes you
run into a straggler

who ended up neither here nor there.

And one time, I saw a bag
of bones wearing a bikini.

I'm so sorry.

That must have been awful.

Well, I ain't gonna lie to you.

The sight of a bikini,
still does it for me.

Skin or no.

Yeah, I'm more of a skin guy, myself.

Different strokes.

So...

still think your family's alive?

Let's get the hell out of here.

Now I got you here.

There is one thing I've
been really itching to do.

Forty-love!

Get in the game.

Ace!

Ace!

I wasn't even set.

What do you mean? You got
to be on your toes, man.

You got to be on your toes.

That's game.

You owe me a Lamborghini.

You a cookie, guy?

I got some great cookies
back in the boat.

I mean they're, you know,
they're three years old,

but they're still good.

Y... you know, I used to date

this Italian girl, Antonella.

She turned me on to them--
biscottis.

You know, they're stale, but on purpose.

Hard as a brick.

So was her backside.

I di... well....

Okay, hold on here.

What are you doing? Got to
do a little detour here.

Just got to go back. I can
see the boat from here.

Just-just trust me.

This is a much better way, man.

Whoa, whoa, hey, whoa,
whoa, what is that? What?

Th-that billboard up there.
What billboard?

What are you doing? Will you slow down?
All right, no problem.

Stop the... Hey!

There's nothing to see!

My God.

Hey!

Look at that, you see that? Look!

Alive in Tucson.

That's where I'm from.

That's... I'm from Tucson.

Well, I mean that's where my family...

You should have stayed
in the truck, bud.

My God, not again.

You are so stupid.

There's only, like, one other dude,

and you let him hit you with a wrench.

- You beefed it so hard.
- You beefed it.

I'm not the one lying in
the middle of the street.

Now get up, fartface.

Come on, you flippin' turd.

I can't get up, Phil.

I can't move.

Well, if you're just going to quit,

- then I'm going to pee on you.
- What?

'Cause that's what happens to quitters.

They get pee'd on.

Well, go for it. See if I care.

I'm wearing a friggin'
hazmat suit, you dong.

Fine. Here I go.

No, please, don't, don't, don't, don't.

Don't look at my ween, you pervert.

- I'm not looking at your ween.
- Three.

Please, just don't do it, Phil, okay?

- Two.
- Please, don't. Stop.

One.

♪ Washing clean, bleaching clean ♪

♪ Virus go away, virus... ♪

Hi, Mike.

What did you do?

I hit you in the head with a wrench.

You're welcome, by the way.

I saved your your life.

You know, you don't
want to go to Tucson.

And if you think about it,

who would want to go there?

Well, I'll tell you who...
the government.

It's a big booby trap.

The whole city's a giant crematorium.

They're just waiting for
the signal to rebuild.

So that all those people who are living

in the government bunkers can come out.

Yeah? Well, you're going
to have to shoot me,

'cause I'm going.

Okay, all... then I will.

I-I've really enjoyed our time together,

but I will shoot you.

Fine.

Just lay back down, look,

hey, I got to get your backside,

so just turn over.

You laid in something.

It's like virus.

Hey.

Sorry, buddy.

Is that a rip?

Damn it!

Sorry, bud.

You had a good run.

R-I-P Spaceman.

Cause of deaththe "goverment."

Almost got it right.

♪ ♪

♪ When I get off of this mountain ♪

♪ You know where I want to go ♪

♪ Straight down the Mississippi River ♪

♪ To the Gulf of Mexico ♪

♪ To Lake Charles, Louisiana ♪

♪ Little Bessie, girl
that I once knew... ♪

Do you like tennis?