The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 10 - Silent Night - full transcript

Phil is diagnosed with appendicitis. Someone in the group has to step up to execute the surgery. Melissa has to deal with Todd's refusal of her proposal. Mike makes a decision about returning to earth.

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Previously on The Last Man on Earth... GAIL: To Gordon.
ALL: Gordon. Easy come, easy go.
Todd, will you marry me? (Phil 2 groans)
Phil. Phil. Oh, my God.
I love you, bud.
Captain Mike Miller, signing off.
FEMALE VOICE: Air lock engaging.
Oh, my God.
(Mike grunting)
(whimpering, panting)
♪ ♪
Hey, little guy.
I'm Mike, Mike Miller.
Okay, it-it says here
it could be appendicitis,
but it could be just gas.
(groaning): It isn't gas.
Well, we need to do our due diligence here.
Will you try to blow out a fart for me?
Hey, bud, how about a real quick fart?
Just anything you got.
(growling): It isn't gas.
Okay, you don't have to get upset.
He's in pain.
Well, I am just running through the checklist here.
I don't see any of you chuckleheads
doing anything to help.
Maybe we should get him some flat ginger ale?
Carol, come on, flat ginger ale makes you fart?!
We need to focus here.
We're talking beans, we're talking broccoli.
Anything in the cabbage family.
Ginger ale sounds good. Uh, Carol,
what's the ETA on that ginger ale? Okay.
Okay, should we elevate his feet a little bit? (screaming)
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! No!
Gail, what about aspirin? Uh, I-I don't know.
I don't know. Vicodin.
Vicodin? Oh, yeah, we've got Vicodin.
Vicodin! I have Vicodin in my room.
PHIL 2: Ow. Here, take my hand, braheem.
Ow! Aah, nobody touch his hands!
Gail, do something!
I'm not a freakin' doctor!
I am just a chef from a three-star restaurant
in Wilmington, North Carolina,
so shut your friggin' cake holes!
Suge, I am really gonna need you to blow a fart out for me.
Hey, uh, I don't know.
Should we talk about the, uh, you know, the proposal or...?
Uh, Todd, we have bigger fish to fry.
Help me look for these pills.
Yeah, I-I know, I just...
I wanted to make sure you were okay.
Why wouldn't I be?
Just know I never meant to hurt you.
So it's a no?
Uh, y... you didn't hear?
No, that... that's fine though.
Um, yeah, uh, I just kind of threw it out there.
I was... I-I was expecting a no,
so it's not a... real big deal.
Either way.
You sure?
You're awesome.
You're awesome. Yeah, you are.
(Phil 2 groans) Uh, go, go, go, go.
Take these to Phil, I'll keep looking for more.
GAIL: Okay, so the symptoms of appendicitis
are lower right-side abdominal pain, nausea, diarrhea,
inability to pass gas, fever,
a sense that you might feel better
after passing stool.
Do any of these apply to you?
It's appendicitis.
Okay, so what are our options?
We really only have one.
Somebody's got to take it out.
What happens if we don't take it out?
It says here, "Failure to remove a ruptured appendix
results in death," like, a hundred percent of the time.
I am not liking those odds, guys.
Take it out.
I guess this one falls to our ersatz doctor.
(chanting): Gail, Gail, Gail, Gail.
Stop it, Tandy, I'm not a doctor.
And the Wright brothers weren't pilots
until they got into that plane, you know?
(chanting): Gail, Gail.
Gail, Gail, Gail...
ERICA: Gail. PHIL 2: Gail. Take it out, Gail.
(knocking on door) Ugh, go away.
Doctor is not in.
You have to do this.
Erica, you know perfectly well
that I never claimed to be a doctor.
Yes, I'm good for a couple of stitches or some basic CPR,
but surgery?
That is a giant hell to the no.
Not happening.
Phil's gonna die if we don't do something.
Look, Erica, let's just face reality.
No one here can fix him.
We've all been through this before.
We know the drill.
Let's just give him some kick-ass drugs
and send him off with a smile.
Gail, he's the father of my child.
I'll give it a shot.
Thank you.
Look, Gail, I know you're scared...
I'm gonna do it, Tandy.
(blows twice)
And that's how you do that.
I can't believe I didn't see you.
Right there under my nose, and I just totally missed you.
I just missed you.
You were there all along.
All right, we got to come up with a name for you, huh?
How about Wormsley? Wormifer?
Dennis Rodman.
You know?
You get that reference?
His nickname was "The Worm."
Actually, I say
we go with something classic.
♪ ♪
Hey, bud.
I brought you a card.
Don't read it, it's for your 50th.
Which is happening above ground, you hear me?
I'm gonna tuck it in here.
Let's see how you're doing.
Pulse feels good.
Tandy, just let him rest.
I will. But not in peace.
But I need you to promise me
that we are gonna sit down and laugh about this
when we are old and gray. Okay?
Or when I'm gray and when your pubes are gray.
Don't worry, little guy.
You'll meet your father.
You son of a bitch appendix!
Okay, we're gonna make sure we get your sorry ass
out of that body, okay?
You hear me, you friggin' turd?!
I'm so sorry you had to hear that, sweet baby.
Okay? But when you come out, it's gonna be nice and smooth.
Your dad will not be dead, and you can quote
Uncle Tandy on that.
'Cause Uncle Tandy knows something you don't know.
And that's that you always bet on black.
Props to my friend Wesley Snipes for that.
Get out of here, Tandy. Okay.
I'll go. Yeah.
But I'm not saying good-bye.
CAROL: (sighs) Okay, just grab
anything and everything,
'cause you never know what Gail might need.
This day is a real stinkerooni.
I don't want to say Phil ruined Christmas,
but he might have ruined Christmas, and...
Melissa, you missed the bag.
Are you all right?
No. Oh, no.
What is it? Come here. What is it?
(gasps) Are you crying? Oh, God.
No. I'm sorry.
Goll almighty, get in here, lady.
(gasps) Oh.
I'm sorry. Don't be sorry.
Melissa, you're finally
opening up, and I'm so proud of you.
But I'm gonna need you to shut it right back down, lady.
Phil needs us.
So just box that up,
we'll go save his life, and then we'll come back
and dig into those delicious feelings.
It's what I like to call an emotional doggy bag.
And they taste even better the next day.
All right, let's go!
Okay, it says here the initial incision should be two inches,
five millimeters deep.
Damn it.
It's okay. (chuckles) Your next patient.
Do you, um,
think you should go be with Melissa?
No, I-I think we should focus on this.
Unless you want me to leave.
Please stay.
Okay. (exhales)
Now we're cookin'.
Okay. Now take the 6B clamps
and open the incision.
Damn it.
All right. Toss me another one of those hand pies, Todd.
You got it.
Oop, looks like someone, uh, lost another pie-tient.
(chuckles) Boom.
But in all seriousness, Gail,
is there anything I can do to help?
There is one thing you guys could get for me.
All right. Well, let's just, uh,
you know, open a drawer, pick a bod,
and get the hell out of here.
I think they're called lockers.
Eh, I said that with such confidence.
Honestly, I have no idea.
No, no, no. That's fine.
We'll just call 'em body lockers.
We'll know what we're talking about, right?
I was in a hip-hop dance group in college
called the Body Lockers.
Very funny, Todd.
No, that's-that's true. I was.
Shut the front door. What? Yeah.
We were good, too. Yeah. We-we had some paid gigs.
We did a show for State Senator Tom Scofield.
Scofield. No crap.
You know, we got to focus here. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Do a couple moves.
Cool, all right. I have...
Let's see, I'm a little rusty,
but I think I can do a little...
You got it... What?
Give me... give me your flashlight. What? Yeah.
Here, give me your light, give me your light.
Club atmosphere.
I'm just trying to...
Club atmosphere.
...incorporate it into it, but, I guess...
Rolling at the club. I think...
Rolling at the club.
Bottle full of bub.
(laughs): Nice!
Thanks, man. Hey!
(laughs) Very good. Okay.
Let's focus up. Focus up. Yeah.
Okay, let's open up James McMaster.
(sighs): Whew.
James McMaster is more of a skeleton than a cadaver.
Cadaver? I hardly knew her.
(chuckles) Not really the appropriate time for that.
Okay, let's see what is under
door number...
Okay, God, that looks more like my nana's junk drawer.
No offense... Tawny Daniels.
These poor bodies just did not keep.
And Gail needs something she can really practice on, you know?
I think she needs a pancake that's a little fresher
off the griddle, if you know what I'm saying.
Tandy, you better not be thinking
what I think you're thinking.
Sorry, Gordon.
Think I need some of that Clarice Starling
under-the-nose cream.
Oh! Oh! I think I hit something.
Oh, yeah, that feels like skull.
Oh, yeah, and there's some neck
and ribs.
Don't worry, Gordon, I'm not gonna come
anywhere near those balls.
Hey, Todd, come on.
I need your help, man. Get in here.
You know, Tandy, I don't think I can, man.
This isn't like the morgue. I mean, I knew this guy.
This is Gordon, man.
I know this is hard, but Gordon's dead,
and there's nothing we can do to bring him back to life.
Yeah, get down here.
(sobbing softly)
Sorry, Tandy, I can't, man.
Suck it up, Todd!
I can't, man!
(crying): I'm spinning out!
There's just all this stuff, you know?
Break up with Melissa, Phil's getting sick,
I'm having sex with Gail, and now I'm digging up Gordon.
I can't, man. I just can't.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up.
You're having sex with Gail?
(sniffles) Yes.
Three times. We did it once, and then we did it two more times.
Does Melissa know? Are you kidding me?!
I went straight from breaking up with Melissa
to laying with Gail.
And now I'm digging up her ex.
Sorry, Gordo, man!
I'm out of control, brother!
You're having sex with Gail and Melissa?
You dirty dog.
Hey, up top, man.
You're missing the point, Tandy!
This is the straw that broke the camel's back!
The camel is dead, and I ate it!
Just like the bacon!
Todd! Todd! Which is another thing I did!
Todd! Get ahold of yourself, man! (sobbing)
Hey, hey! Okay?
Are you finished? Yeah.
'Cause there's a man up in that house
that needs our help right now.
And if we don't focus,
we're gonna be digging another hole right next to this one.
So shut your frickin' turd hole
and grab your dead buddy's legs.
Come on! Okay.
(both grunting)
Oh, this frickin' reeks!
(grunting continues)
Take a shower, dude.
Todd and I have something that Todd wants to tell you.
I do? Yeah.
Uh, there was kind of a hiccup at the morgue,
so we had to improvise.
the results of which
might be slightly upsetting, but...
What is that?
Melissa and Carol found this for me.
It's for surgery students.
It's got, like, guts and skin
and appendix-- every-everything I need.
So you won't be needing a cadaver?
Hardly knew her. Boom.
Why, did you find one?
No, we did... uh, no, we did not.
Uh, not anywhere.
Wait, what did you guys want to tell me?
Uh, just that, you know, Todd, uh, was once
in a hip-hop dance group called The Body Lockers.
(whispers): Yeah.
Why would that upset me?
I think that's beautiful.
Oh. When I look at it this time,
it doesn't upset me.
It's like, I don't know what I was thinking.
'Cause it's great. Thanks, Tandy.
(both grunting)
Don't worry, okay?
It's gonna work. Gail's been practicing.
I'm sorry for how things went down between us.
Don't apologize.
You didn't do anything wrong.
You were just saying how you felt.
Besides, we can talk about all this when you're better.
When I'm better.
Hey, buddy.
I found a medicine you can't buy.
It's called laughter. Oh!
JK. (chuckles)
How's it looking, huh?
He's in a lot of pain, Tandy.
(mutters): Can you come here? I want to ask you something.
Sorry, I can't hear you. Permission to buzz the tower?
(mutters): Can you get me some water?
You want me to be the father
of your unborn child?
(quick exhale)
Can you get me some water?
Oh, water. Yes.
That's what I thought you said.
I will get the water.
Yeah. Yeah.
(chuckles) Wa...
Water coming up. Happy to...
Friggin' bag.
(chuckles) Laughter.
MIKE: Oh, come on, you don't think I've thought of this,
like, a million times?
No, I-I'm...
No, I'm telling you it's impossible, okay?
Yes, it is.
Come on, there's no mission control, there's no nothing.
There's no way we can do it.
It's impossible.
You don't know
what you're talking about.
I know time is running out.
But I'm scared.
(loud groaning)
Oh, that don't look right.
Okay, back to the drawing board.
Gail, we got to do this.
Okay, I-I just need one more dry run.
Just-just one sec.
No, it's got to be now, Gail.
Okay, I'm... You know what, I'm gonna take
a quick smoke break and then we're gonna go right to it.
(groans) Gail.
Phil. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Phil!
Oh, farts.
You ready, Phil?
I'll take that as a yes.
What do you say we take this baby out on the open road, huh,
and, uh, we'll see what she can do.
here goes nothing.
(engine whirrs)
COMPUTER VOICE: Separation sequence initiated.
(monitor beeps steadily) Okay, Todd, we're doing this.
Phil, do you have enough pills
in you, honey? Are you feeling any pain?
I want you to know I'm gonna do the very best I can, okay?
Although I am not a doctor...
I probably shouldn't say that.
It's okay.
Here we go.
(monitor beeping steadily)
Oh, I can't.
I... Gail.
Just like we practiced, okay?
(computer beeping, engine humming)
(monitor beeping steadily)
Okay, hand me the clampy thing.
Okay. No, no, the, the, bigger one.
Okay. Yeah.
(alarm beeping, engine rumbling)
I found it. Found it? Yeah?
I think I feel it. Okay. Oh, good. Okay.
Hard to see.
We just got to cut it out. Yeah.
(alarms wailing, engine rumbling)
Does that look right? It looks great. You got it.
No, no, no, something's wrong,
it's filling up with blood. (monitor beeping faster)
What do you want to do? I-I-I...
What do you... Just get the suction thing!
What? What? Uh... The suction thing.
(rapid beeping, alarms wailing)
Gail, his BP's dropping. Come on! Come on.
It's dropping.
It's just... I can't see anything.
TODD: We gotta... I know, Gail.
Hey, buddy, I'm not gonna lie to you.
It's not looking good.
If we don't make it,
I'll see you in the next life, okay?
His BP, it's dropping, it's dropping. That's not good. What?
Here. Should I grab some towels? Oh, God. What-what do I do?
I don't know.
It's breaking up! It's breaking up!
I'm just gonna pack it. It's filling up with blood
as fast as I can do it! I know. I know.
Suction, suction! TODD: Yeah! Okay!
♪ ♪
(rapid beeping) Look, it won't stop bleeding!
Come on, Todd, damn it!
I'm trying to stop it! I can't, Gail!
What do we do? GAIL: I don't know!
Come on, buddy, don't do this!
This isn't right! Oh, my God.
(flatline tone)
CHILDREN: Uncle Stinky.
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