The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 12 - Valhalla - full transcript

The gang has a funeral for Phil #2 and try to recover. "Tandy" tells Carol about Todd and Gale.

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Previously on The Last Man on Earth...
Maybe you should both go by your middle names.
No, no, no, no, no. Phil, what's your middle name?
Phil, what's your middle name?
I don't have a middle name. Can you believe that guy?!
He beats me up, he tries to steal my wife
while he's got a bun in Erica's oven.
Hey, Tandy. You want to go get a drink?
I'd love to!
I wish I was a lot more like you.
Todd, will you marry me?
(Phil 2 groans) Phil!
Phil? Oh, my God.
GAIL: No, no, no,
something's wrong!
(monitor flatlining)
TODD: ♪ I get knocked down ♪
♪ But I get up again ♪
♪ Ain't never gonna keep me down ♪
♪ I get knocked down ♪
(voice breaking): ♪ But I get up again ♪
♪ Never gonna keep me down. ♪
TANDY: Thank you, Todd, Gail,
for that beautiful rendition
of what I can only imagine was one of Phil's favorite songs.
Phil Miller got knocked down,
and this time, he did not get up again.
We raise a whiskey drink, we raise a vodka drink.
What a hero.
That is why today, we send him off
the only way that truly makes sense...
a Viking funeral.
ERICA: Tandy, I told you,
Phil wouldn't have wanted this.
No, this is not what he would've wanted,
but this is what he deserves.
I'm sorry that I couldn't save you.
You did your best, Gail.
Good-bye, Phil.
We'll miss you.
(crying) I know.
(accordion plays random notes)
Buck up, bub.
You can do it.
And now I would like to say
my own personal good-bye to Phil.
And now we send him to the sea.
♪ He belongs to the sea ♪
♪ He belongs to the ocean ♪
♪ Phil belongs... ♪
Tandy, you need a hand, bud?
No, I would like to do this, Todd. I got this.
♪ He belongs to the sea ♪
♪ He belongs to the ocean ♪
♪ Ocean ♪
♪ Whenever we rely on ourselves ♪
♪ For worse or for better... ♪
Peace, bud.
Burn, casket, burn!
I honor you!
Damn it!
Honor and...
Damn it!
And, according to ancient law,
the requirements of the Viking funeral have been met.
Uh, Valhalla!
Uh, honor, hero!
I still can't believe I beefed the finale.
I mean, Phil deserved a bull's-eye.
Hey, your speech was a bull's-eye.
Well, Carol, the heart's aim is always true
when it's dancing like no one's watching.
I mean,
Phil was like a brother to me.
I don't know about that.
He was.
I mean, sure, we had some ups and downs,
but we ended on a real high.
You wouldn't understand 'cause you never had a brother.
Okay, you didn't get a chance to say good-bye
to your own brother,
so now you're projecting this onto Phil.
Okay, this has nothing to do with my brother, okay?
I mean, except for the fact that Phil was like my brother,
and I never got a chance to say good-bye to him.
It's just too bad, because I think
if his body had successfully gone up in flames,
it would've lifted everyone's spirits.
Well, you know what would've raised everyone's spirits?
Todd saying yes to Melissa's proposal.
(chuckles) Well, you know Toddler.
You know, dude's a lifelong bachelor.
I'm gonna go talk some sense into that moron.
Okay, but wait, Carol, Carol.
There's something I have to tell you.
This is gonna be hard to hear.
Then I'll move in closer.
Todd and Gail are boning.
(whispers): Cheese and rice!
Todd didn't do anything wrong.
He and Melissa had already broken up.
I have to tell Melissa.
Carol, you can't. Todd swore me to secrecy.
Well, Melissa's my best friend,
and she is getting boned against.
And I'm your husband.
Okay? So promise me you won't say anything.
Okay, I promise.
Let me see those hands.
Good catch.
Hey, hon bun.
Hey, bub.
Aw, come on, Gail.
I'm sorry about all that...
buck up stuff at the funeral.
I... I was just a little freaked out
'cause I think Melissa noticed us.
Well, so what?
Isn't it about time she found out anyway?
Well, today's probably not the best day, you know?
And what is the best day
to find out that your ex-boyfriend's
doing the devil's work with the lady down the hall?
Well, have you told Gordon
about us yet?
Oh, Todd, I know you're probably right.
Everybody's dealing with as much as they can deal with right now.
Just take all the time you need.
Thank you, Gail.
Well, I should probably head out.
(loudly): Well, thanks again, Gail.
I will start wearing more hats.
See you later, bub.
(whispers): Good cover.
Oh, hi!
Sorry, I didn't see you there!
I'm breaking all your ornaments!
Yeah, I promise I'll get you some more.
I just needed to break all these real quick.
Yeah, I'd love to talk, hon,
but I'm just, I can't.
You know the drill.
What would I want to talk about?
You know,
Phil dying.
The other thing.
Todd's rejection of my proposal?
Goldang it, Melissa!
I said I can't talk right now,
and I'd love for you to honor that!
(chuckles) It's all good, Carol.
Okay, talk soon.
Yeah, hell yeah.
TANDY: Phil and I had a bumpy ride,
uh, but I wouldn't change a cottonpickin' thing
'cause it led us to our destination:
You know, for any of you
who might be struggling with closure,
unresolved feelings, and shoulda, woulda, couldas,
uh, I wrote a song that, uh, tells you how great I feel.
Oh, you guys are gonna love it.
He's been practicing.
This is called "The Story of Us."
♪ Have you ever had a shoulda, coulda, woulda ♪
♪ Sittin' right on your face ♪
♪ And you think about the did that ♪
♪ Done that, finished that ♪
♪ That coulda been in its place ♪
♪ Well, the second one's what happened to me ♪
♪ I finished all my business ♪
♪ Gotta say good-bye to your friends ♪
♪ 'Cause you never know when their life's gonna end ♪
♪ I'm over you ♪
♪ I miss you, but I'm over you... ♪
(whispers): Get it together.
♪ Closure, closure ♪
♪ Closure, closure, closure ♪
♪ Closure in my bones ♪
♪ And my skin ♪
♪ Closure, closure... ♪
♪ Closure, closure, closure ♪
♪ Put them hands together ♪
♪ For closure. ♪
Thank you. I have to leave.
CAROL: W-We're working on an ending,
but I'm just so happy he's found closure.
(clears throat)
♪ Closure, closure, closure, closure, closure ♪
♪ Closure, closure ♪
♪ Closure, mm... ♪
Hey, Melissa.
Chewing on your boots there?
Yeah, I'm just un-bedazzling Carol's boots with my teeth.
These are the boots I was wearing
when I proposed to you.
I'm doing great.
You okay? Yeah.
What part of "I'm doing great" do you not understand?
Uh, you-you got some, uh, glitter
on, in your face there.
God, that's good news.
Okay, well, I'm gonna, I'll leave you to it.
Todd? Yeah?
Would you maybe want to watch TV with me later?
Just as friends.
I'm great,
so it doesn't matter either way.
Regardless of what you decide, it's fine,
'cause even if you have plans, I'm doing great. (chuckles)
Ah, I got no plans.
I mean, come on, what plans would I have?
(both laugh)
All right, so it's a date, well, date...
Not a date, an appointment.
You want this open or closed?
TANDY: Ah, Phil, your room seems so empty without you.
I miss you so much, my brother.
I just wish there was some way that I could feel closer to you.
I remember when I first met you.
(in deep voice): "Does this guy belong to you?"
"Gas goes bad.
Doesn't anybody remember me telling you that?"
"No, I just don't want you to be president."
"He poops in the ocean in front of our house
every damn day."
"Tandy, go away."
"It's appendicitis."
"Tandy. Tandy.
You want to go get a drink?"
I'd like that, Phil.
Nice hair, George Jefferson.
Oh, if you were here right now, I'd be busting your Cs so hard,
"Philip Stacy Miller."
Wait a minute.
(playing minor chords)
Hey there, hon bun.
Hey, sug.
Would you mind closing that door behind you
'cause things are about to get real physical.
How you doing?
Well, I'm feeling pretty guilty about Phil's death,
and for some reason I can't explain,
that is just making me feel really horny,
and then I feel like, "Uh, I'm so wrong,
I'm so bad," and that just amps up
my horniness and I just feel like
the dog is just chasing its tail on this one.
It's just a vicious, vicious cycle, so...
get those pants off.
Oh. Oh, man, yeah, that sounds great.
Man, yeah.
I don't hear any buttons popping, Todd.
Well, you know, here's the thing.
It's just, I kind of...
I kind of made plans with Melissa.
I see. Yeah, so I'm just gonna pop over there,
you know, real quick, show my face,
and then I'm gonna zip back here,
get those pants off, if that's okay.
Okay, Todd.
You just do you thing.
Yeah, I-I'm gonna be right back. Okay? So...
(loudly): And, uh, thank you
for telling me how stucco is made.
I'll see you later, bub.
(door closes)
TANDY: Friggin' turkey actually did have a middle name.
I mean, it's flat-out a girl's name.
No offense, Stacy.
Oh, I miss you, bud.
Miss you with all my heart.
I know a man's not supposed to cry,
but most men don't get a chance to experience
the kind of friendship that Phil and I had.
Now it's over.
He just left without a trace.
Or did he?
Look, Erica,
I know you're scared
and hurting and full of worries right now.
But I'm here to take one of those worries off your plate
and eat it raw.
I will be the father to your baby.
That's a... a nice offer...
Come on, it's what Phil and I would have wanted,
so please accept our gift,
this cradle, that Phil built
and that I fixed.
Knew I should've gone with masking tape.
Come here.
Um... (laughs)
Can't believe we're doing this.
Yeah. About that.
The second-to-last thing
that Phil said to me before he died
was, "Don't let Tandy raise our baby."
Well, you know, hard to tell sarcasm
when people are in extreme pain like that, so, uh...
What was the, uh, the last thing he said?
Well, the very last thing he said
was, "Did you hear me?
I mean it."
Okay, then.
Mm. (chuckles)
As per Phil's wishes, I will, uh,
steer clear, you know?
Totally fine with this.
I'm okay.
All right.
Friggin' two-faced turd.
One minute, you're like, all,
"Hey, uh, let's go get a drink."
Then the next minute, you go behind my back
and you go tell Erica,
"Oh, I don't want Tandy to raise the baby."
You know what? You're no Viking!
You're a sucking!
Friggin' Stacy.
God, I'm so glad that you're out there floating unburned.
That's my burn on you, huh?
And I'm just getting started.
And Jimmy Sharp is your 2019
international motocross champion!
Thanks for hanging out with me.
Yeah. Of course.
Still can't believe Phil's gone.
Yep, yep.
Gone with the wind.
(exhales shakily)
I'm just so sick of losing people.
(stammering): Yeah, w-we should go
look for some in days.
It's just so hard to let go.
Look, I hate to do this, Erica,
but in the spirit of closure,
I thought I should make you aware of something.
Apparently, that guy who told you
not to let me near your baby...
...well, he was a massive porn-head.
I mean, look at this!
Just craved it to a sick degree.
Okay. Tandy... And not only that,
the guy was out of his mind on drugs.
Uppers, downers, sidewinders.
And don't even bother looking at his...
his slam poetry notebook.
"White man always finds
"black man guilty.
"Rage! Hatin' on puppies,
so hard..." Tandy,
I was in this room three hours ago.
So you saw all the skid marks in his underwear.
I mean, every pair.
Such a dirty bottom.
I'm sorry Phil didn't want you to help with the baby.
Oh! Hey.
Todd and I kissed.
Did you tell Gail?
Why would I tell Gail?
Oh. I just, um...
thought you two were close,
but now that I think of it, you and I are closer,
so, yeah, this is normal.
Well, I think we might get back together.
I have diarrhea. Bye.
Good-bye, Phil's crap!
Good-bye, Phil's driver's license!
Good-bye, Phil's watch!
Good-bye to anything that's ever belonged to you,
even your clothes!
Friggin' pants didn't fit me anyway, fatty!
You're history, dude!
It's like you never even existed!
Now there's not even a single trace of you left!
Except for your stupid, washed up coffin!
Oh, farts.
Well, well, well.
Look who came crawling back.
And I'm glad you're here,
'cause I got something I want to get off my bare chest.
I wouldn't raise your baby with a ten-foot pole.
Not even if that pole was made of gold
and I got to keep it.
And this all could've been avoided
(crying): if you had just let me raise your kid!
Man, I thought we were friends!
ERICA: Tandy...
You okay?
Um, I'm fine.
Are you okay?
I still just can't wrap my head around it.
You know? Yeah.
But at a certain point,
you got to let it go.
We have this saying in Australia.
(chuckles): I know, I know.
(Australian accent): "That's not a knife. This is a knife."
I've never understood that saying
until this very moment.
It's like...
(Australian accent): that's not a knife.
You know? That isn't a knife.
(normal voice): But this...
and this...
(Australian accent): ...this is a knife.
Yeah, something... like that.
I know what you did, Todd.
You broke my heart.
You broke my heart.
Your lips taste like Chartres.
This is how we should've done it all along.
Thank God we got a second chance.
Good-bye, brother.
You're right.
Good-bye, friend.
Good-bye, Phil.
Should we go up and join the others?
Bye, brother.
♪ Everything happens ♪
♪ For the best ♪
♪ I should be glad ♪
♪ We've parted, I guess ♪
♪ I should be glad ♪
♪ That it's over ♪
♪ And you said good-bye ♪
♪ But if it's best ♪
♪ Then why do I... ♪
CHILDREN: Uncle Stinky.
(horn honking)
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH