The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 1, Episode 5 - Dunk the Skunk - full transcript

Phil's efforts to bed Melissa are stopped short by the second last man on earth.

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

- There's another person on Earth!
- I know, I know...

Hello, ladies.

What's gotten into you?

I'm so horny, Phil.

The only man left on the face of the Earth,
and he's married.

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And then he said,
"Have you ever heard the phrase,

"I wouldn't have sex with you
if you were the last person on Earth? '"

And then two days later,
somebody changed his tune.

- Didn't you, you little tunesmith?
- Mmm-hmm.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- God.

- That's really...
- Romantic? Yeah.

Melissa, I am so happy you're here.

- Me, too.
- Me, too.

It's so nice to have a girlfriend to talk to.

I'm not only your girlfriend.
I will be your BFF.

You have no choice.


- Uh-oh.

I need a refresher.
Should I get another bottle?

For sure. For sure. Take off and... Yeah.

Okay, okay. Why not? We're having fun.

Yeah. Hey, you know what?
I had such a great time last night.

Oh, God. I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, my God.

I don't remember you saying anything
you should be embarrassed about.

No, I did. I mean, I said I was...

You were horny. Yeah, I remember.

- Well, I was drunk and feeling...
- Well, but, I mean, not that drunk.

- We were both drinking. Neither of us...
- I was drunk

- and feeling sad for myself.
- Were you? Okay.

You didn't tell Carol, did you?

No. No way.

Hey, you and I can have
our own little secrets, huh?

Okay, good. I just wouldn't want her
to get the wrong idea.

Yeah, we wouldn't want that.

And I know you guys have a weird situation
with your marriage and all, but...

Yes, very weird.

And I actually wanted to
talk to you about that.

But I think it's really great
that you're going for it,

and I really respect you for that.

Well, thank you.
But going for it might be a little...

Phil, just take the compliment.
You're one of the good guys.

- Yeah.
- You care about your marriage. Obviously.

And I love that. Because I got cheated on.

Cheaters can go to hell.

Okay. Prosecco delivery.

There you go, lady.

Okay. One last glass. To girlfriends.

- To girlfriends.
- Cheers.


Oh, wow.


This prosecco's making me frisky.
Wink, wink.

Frisky for sex. Come on, Phil.

When duty calls, huh?
Committed to this marriage. Wink, wink.

You guys have fun.

Carol, I think we might have to cut down
on the public displays of affection for a bit.

What? Why?

I'm proud that you're my husband,
and I wanna revel in it.

Yeah, but, hey, hey, think about Melissa.

I mean, how would you feel if you had to
watch Melissa and I make out all the time?

Would you be okay with that?

I mean, would you be okay with that?

- No.
- Okay. That's what I thought.

So, should we get to it?

Carol are you sure we're not rushing into
this whole having-a-baby thing?

No. Phil, this is the most important thing
we can do for the world.

- I know.
- We need to make babies

for the human race to survive.

As many babies as possible.

"We need to have
as many babies as possible."

Those were Carol's exact words.
And then it hit me.

Okay. Now let's say that, Kevin,
you're having a baby with Antawn.

Okay? This gum is your baby.

Now, this whole repopulation thing
grinds to a halt

until that baby is born.


Unless, Kevin also impregnates


There you go. You're gonna be a great dad.

Anyway, don't you see?

As many babies as possible,

means there have to be two balls pregnant
at any given time.

So therefore... And this is the whole reason
I brought you here, listen up.

I should be impregnating both Carol
and Melissa for the good of humanity.


But how do I get them onboard?

I gotta play this real careful.

Nothing crazy.

- Hey, neighbor.
- Hey. How was last night?

Great. Great. Just doing our civic duty.

Speaking of which, you're generally in favor
of saving the human race, right?

- Of course.
- That's good to know. Good to know.

So did you need something or...

Oh, yeah. Just came by
to get your read on these pants.

What do you think?

They're good. Good pants.

Yeah? Yeah?
But isn't there some kind of weird rule

that you're not supposed to
wear white after Labor Day?

Or some restrictive rule like that?

Yeah, but I think you're fine.

So just shirk that rule? Just chuck it out?

I won't tell anyone if you don't.

Good. Good.


Is that all? I'm kind of busy.

No, not yet. 'Cause I was just thinking,

how crazy is it that there was a time
when Rosa Parks couldn't sit on a bus

wherever she wanted to, you know?

And then just one day, she just said, like,

"No. No way. I'm gonna sit
wherever I want to." You know?

Hey, to Rosa Parks and everyone like her
who believes in change.

So would it be safe to say,
that leaving this conversation,

I would not be crazy to describe you
as an open-minded person

who believes in change
and is generally in favor of repopulation?


I'm the exact same way.

Enjoy that corn.

Carol! Carol! Are you here?

- Carol?
- Phil?

Oh, Carol!

What's going on? Are you okay?

No, Carol! No, I'm not okay!

Calm down. Calm down. Just have a seat
and tell me what's going on, Phil.

- Just sit down.
- What am I gonna do?

Just calm down. Calm down.
Just use your words.

Okay, so I was just going about my day,
you know,

thinking about how we
might've made a baby

and how freakin' excited I am about it.

You know, we both know
how important repopulation is.

Of course. Of course.

And then I just had the worst thought.

Carol, I don't know what to do!

Just calm down.

Just use your words. You got this.

I just had a moment of sickening clarity,

and I just was forced to ask myself

a question that no future parent
should deserve to ask themself.

What question?

Carol, do you want our babies

to have sex with each other?

Ugh! No, Phil! No.

I know! I don't either!

But how else can the human race
go on beyond our kids?

Okay. Shh. Okay. We can get through this.

We'll figure it out.

No. I don't think we can figure this out.

There's only one solution.

You found a solution? Well, that's great.

- Not great.
- Why?

The solution is the hardest part.



I'm gonna have to have sex with Melissa!

You wanna have sex with Melissa?

No, I don't wanna have
sex with Melissa. Ew!

I have to have sex with Melissa.

Phil, this hurts my ears.

Carol, it hurts my lips to say it.

But our backs are against the wall here.

I mean, like you said,

this Earth needs
as many babies as possible.

But I meant Phil and Carol babies.

Carol, we cannot put our babies
in a situation

where they have to have sex
with each other.

Our babies need other babies
to have sex with.

I mean, that's just Parenting 101.

Oh, God. Okay, okay.
Maybe I do need to think about this.

That's my Care Bear.

Be strong. We'll be strong together.

Now, you take as much time as you need
to think about it.

But I'll leave you with this.

Do you want

our babies

to have sex

with each other?

I vote no.

And Melissa does, too.

Wait, you already talked
to Melissa about this?

No. What?

Well, then how do you
know what she thinks?

You know, just picking up little things
here and there.

Like what, though?

Just, like, she's generally open to change
and in favor of repopulation

and she's been horny.

- What?
- No, Carol,

she's not talking
about being horny about me.

It's more of a general horniness.
You know, horny at the world.

Phil, you're the last man
on the face of the Earth.

- About whom else would she be speaking?
- I don't know.

She could be talking
about anyone, you know?

I'm trying to do what's best for the Earth.
You know, you're being crazy here.

I am not. You're being a skunk!

You take that back.

No, you're a skunk, Phil!
You're just skunkin' around,

just getting busy with one lady and then

skunkin' on down the road,
just trying to get busy with the next!


Phew! Your tail stinks!

- Get out of here, you skunk!
- What?

- We are done here!
- But... But...

And great job fixing my door, you skunk!

Hey, what's going on?

What the hell did you tell Carol?

What? Nothing. What?

Oh, so she just came over and ripped me
a new one for the hell of it?

I honestly don't know
what you're talking about.

Fill me in. What's going on?

She said something
about me stealing her man

and something about, if I'm horny,
I should go to a hardware store.

Well, that's bizarre.

Did you tell her I told you I was horny?

Trying to remember the conversation.

Did that come up?
Did I tell her you were horny?

- You are such a dick!
- What? What?

Look, you married her.

It may have been
under crazy circumstances,

but you did it, and you have
no right to drag me into this.

I know. I don't. I'm so sorry.

Look, and I'll be honest,
it's just coming back to me.

I did say that. I told her you were horny.

It was a textbook slip.

Well, thanks a lot.

She was my one chance at having
a girlfriend, and now she hates me.

You have a chance
to have another girlfriend right here.

Sure, I'm a guy, but

I honestly, I...

I swear I never meant
to come between you and Carol.

Well, it's too late. The damage is done.

Then, let's start repairing the damage.
You wanna get some lunch?

Well, they both think I'm a skunk now.

Gotta get back on track here,
gotta do something.

Think, think, think, you damn skunk.

All right, ladies,
this skunk has obviously offended you...

And now it's time for you to turn the tables.

Come on, look, we shouldn't be fighting.
We should be having fun.

I mean, you can't stay mad at me forever.

I'm the last man on Earth.

Let's get this party started, huh?

Come on out here and dunk the guy
that angered two great people

who did not agree with his,
granted, solid logic,

but that doesn't matter.

'Cause now you can dunk him.
Did you see the sign?

It's time to dunk, dunk, dunk...

Looks like we got
a slightly faulty seat here.

Just gonna reset that like so.

We are GTG. We are good to go.


When that bronco bucks you off,

you just get right back in the saddle...

Yeah, definitely hurt my foot there.

Yeah, there's some blood in the tank.

Careful. Wet T-shirt contest.

Damn it! I'm getting back on.

It's really fun. You guys, it's really fun.

I can't even oversell you on this.

Ah! Ah! Here comes Melissa.

Looks like someone's ready
to blow off a little steam

and dunk that skunk!

The seat held this time...

Melissa, you don't
want to have some fun? Huh?

Just heading to Carol's, huh?
Cool, cool, cool.

Carol? Knock, knock.

Well, look who it is.

You're here to talk about your horniness?

Carol, the only thing
I'm horny for is your friendship.

That's not what Phil says.

Well, Phil is an ass.

Is that prosecco?


Look, this is really silly.
Can we just call a truce?

The last two women on Earth
can't be fighting.

Get in here.

Three hours in. I am very, very cold.

But who's complaining, huh?
Still a great night under the stars.

Okay, looks like we lost the power there.

But, you know, who cares?
It's still a rockin' party...

Why are you guys being like this?

I'm trying to freakin' make amends here!

Put a lot of work into this!

And I didn't do it for me. I did it for you!

Just rude.

Where I come from, when somebody tried
to make amends with you,

you at least acknowledged them!

So disrespectful!

Hey, you guys. You ready to have some fun?

You want to jump back in there?

We need to talk.

Guys, look, I already said I'm sorry.

I feel terrible.

Although I do believe my logic is sound.

Phil, we think

that you should repopulate
with Melissa as well.

This a trick? It feels like a trick.
Is it a trick? What's happening?

Melissa and I had a long talk.

I just realized how important it is
to have friends,

and I want my babies to have friends, too.

Also, I don't want my babies
to have to have sex with each other.

And you're okay with this?

I'm sitting here.

Well, I'm gonna have to think about it.
My answer is yes,

- so you wanna say nowish?
- Not so fast, Phil.

This is for repopulation purposes only,
so there are going to be rules.

One, you can only have sex with Melissa
three days each month.

Three days? But that's not...

Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Three is great. Three is great.

During those three days, sex can occur
a maximum of three times per day.

But, mathematically,
if each session is eight hours long...

Okay, Phil, I would tread lightly,

'cause you are walking real close
to skunk territory right now.

Watch it!

Just trying to get the rules down.
With, with much respect, continue.

Once Melissa is pregnant,
no more physical contact of any kind.

And that includes sex?


Phil, do you understand the rules?

Not only do I understand them,
I appreciate them.

'Cause this is a job we have to do.

Now, if you ladies will excuse me.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!


Today's the day!
Time to procreate with Melissa.

- Oh, that's today?
- Here.

This is called GORAP.

It stands for
"good old raisins and peanuts."

Some people call it "GORP,"
but that's incorrect,

because they're forgetting about the "and."

It's not a sexy food.

- It's just for energy.
- Great.

Well, you smell clean. I suppose
you washed your genitals real nice for her?

- Carol, come on.
- Phil.

- Yes, I did.
- Good. Don't embarrass us.

Also, your sex with Melissa
should be vigorous but not fun,

thorough but not sexy.

Save the fun stuff for your wife.

Care Bear, relax, okay? This is a job to me.

I'm just gonna punch in and punch out.

Punch in and punch out.

Punch in, punch out.

Then I'm gonna come home to my wife.

Punch in and punch out.




This is...

I know.

Dark chocolates for my lady.

"Lgnite the spank"?

No, no. It says "spark." "lgnite the spark."

- Looks like it says, "lgnite the spank..."
- Shh...

Just relax and chew.

Relax and chew.

You likey?

What's wrong?

- This is all so romantic.
- I know.

I thought this was just going to be about,
you know, the stuff Carol said.

Repopulation, our duty to mankind.

Are you not into it?

I'm into it.
I haven't been with a man in a long time.

I just feel guilty about Carol.

So, let's just cut the BS and get to it.

I mean, if the lady wants to cut the BS
and get into it, I'm gonna...

- Okay good.
- Oh!

Wait, wait. I just have one more thing.

Phil, come on.

No, you're gonna love this.
I just want tonight to be special.

It already is.

Trust me. You'll see. You'll see.

Oh, God, please don't play me
a song on the guitar.

Okay. Well, then, how about I just do this?

Amazing. Now get back here.

Hang on. Patience. I got one more.

Now it's time for the real fireworks.
And it's gonna be all finale.

Phil, did you shave your chest?

Sure did. Did you shave yours?

JK. No. But I did.

Can we just do this?

Just wanna tell you one last thing.

From the moment I met you,

I couldn't...

Do you hear something?

Damn it, Carol.

Oh, my God.


I'm Todd.

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