The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 1, Episode 6 - Some Friggin' Fat Dude - full transcript

We think you should repopulate
with Melissa.

And you're okay with this?

This is for repopulation purposes only.

This is all so romantic.

Let's just cut the BS and get to it.

- I just have one more thing.
- Phil, come on.

Now it's time for the real fireworks.

Do you hear something?

What the hell?

Hey. I'm Todd.

This is so crazy.



Hi. I'm Melissa. This is Phil.

Hey, Todd.

I can't believe I'm seeing you.

I mean, I'd just given up
on looking for people,

was headed to the next town
when I saw your fireworks.

Phil set those off.

God bless you, Phil.

I mean, if you hadn't set those things off,
I'd be halfway to Mexico by now.

Yeah, thank God I shot off
those frigging fireworks, huh?

I was this close to driving to the next town.
This close, I... So close.

Yeah, we're aware.
The timeline has been established.

So you need directions or something? Or...

Oh, my goodness, I am so sorry.

I hope I...
I wasn't interrupting anything or...



Oh, no, you weren't.

Well, I mean...

- Todd, give us a quick sec, okay?
- Yeah, of course.

I don't want to be rude
but this sex is pretty time sensitive. Okay?

So we really got to buckle down here.

And remember, this lovemaking
is to save the human race.

- And that's a big deal.
- Phil, another person just showed up.

Check out this setup, huh?

Oh, no, no, no, don't touch that.

That orgasm was
generously provided by Phil Miller.

Sorry.

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Carol. Turn that stuff off.

Okay.

Phil, you're back so soon.

Thank you for keeping it expedient.

Well, it didn't happen.

- Oh, do you have diarrhea?
- No.

Melissa has diarrhea?

No, Carol, nobody has diarrhea. Okay?

Another guy just showed up
out of nowhere.

What? Another person?

Yeah, some friggin' fat dude named Todd.

Oh, my God. This is the best news.

Melissa can repopulate with him now

and our babies won't have
to have sex with each other.

Well, we're not out of the water just yet.

Why are we still in the water?

Well, I just have a real hunch
that Melissa would way prefer

to have sex with me
over this Todd character.

Phil, the only reason we entered
into this unholy watusi

was to spread out the gene pool.

Carol, shame on you.

We can't just force Melissa to have sex
with some stranger.

I mean, that's called human trafficking.

Now, she has a constitutional right
to choose her own sexual partners, okay?

This isn't Russia here.
This is the friggin' USA. Mmm?

Phil, are you really concerned
with Melissa's rights?

Or are you just trying to justify
having sex with her?

Yes.

Yes to which one?

To the one that makes you happy.
You know the one.

Okay, good.

Well, I want to meet him.

Ugh, but I can't wear this.

And all my clothes are still wet.

Oh, I do have one thing that's dry.

So what brings you to Tucson, Todd?

Oh, you know, actually, I was on my way
to Zihuatanejo from Baltimore

when I saw Phil's
"Alive in Tucson" billboard.

Why were you going to Zihuatanejo?

I got the idea from
The Shawshank Redemption.

Oh, my God, that's my favorite movie.

No, it's my favorite movie, too.

- I've seen it, like, 100 times.
- Melissa.

It's just one of those movies

- if you turn on the TV and it happens...
- Melissa.

...to be on, you just...
- Melissa.

- You have to finish it.
...have to finish it.

Melissa. Melissa.

It's my favorite movie, too.
Big Shankhead here.

I thought you said
your favorite movie was The Godfather.

Carol, are you high?
The Godfather is crap next to Shawshank.

- Oh.
- Yes, Tom Hanks at his finest, right?

Tom Hanks?

What's your favorite part
of Shawshank, Phil?

Uh... There's so many parts. So many parts
to choose from and to pick from.

Uh, probably, you know, the part where
the Shawshank is redeemed.

'Cause, like, you know, Hanks does some...

Well, I've never seen it.

Well, you got to see it.

You know.
As they say in the movie, "Get busy livin'

- "or get busy..."
- "Get busy dyin'."

Dyin'. Yeah.

Truly was a Shawshank redemption.

So, Todd, what are you, like three-hundo?
Two-fiddy?

- Phil.
- What? What? I'm just curious.

Hey, guys, it's okay.

- I've been overweight my whole life.
- See?

Yeah, my parents died
when I was really young,

so I, kind of, turned to food for comfort.

Oh.

Kids were so mean, you know?
I got teased a lot.

Then, my senior year,
I actually got voted Homecoming King.

All I could think was, you know,
if only my mom and dad could see me now.

And, anyways,
the night of the dance comes

and they lead me onstage
for the coronation.

And I'm just beaming, you know?

And then they brought out my queen.

Actually, they led her out on a leash

'cause my queen was a barnyard pig
wearing a tiara.

- Oh.
- It was all just a big joke.

But in answer to your question, I'm 285.

Thank you.

Guess what, Todd.

All those kids from your high school,
they're all dead now.

So screw 'em, right?

Cheers to that. They can lick a duck, Todd.

Hey, Todd? They can't hurt you anymore.

Yeah.

Well, it's been a big day.
I should probably get to bed.

You know what? I'm so happy to be here.

I mean, I just can't wait
to get to know you better.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

What a great guy.

I ever told you guys that I had a little
weight problem myself in high school?

- No.
- Yeah.

And so when Todd told those stories,
it stirred up a lot of old gunk in me.

All right, I'm gonna hit it too, guys.

You want to stick around
and play a little Cranium or something?

- No.
- I'm afraid I insist.

All right, then. Good night.

Ah.

Wow.

That was like a welding factory.
Did you see all those sparks?

Mmm.

Oh, Carol Pilbasian Miller,
you are one crafty devil.

Carol?

- What's this?
- Oh, just a little nudge for Melissa and Todd.

I'm setting it up

so they think
the four of us are going on an outing,

but you and I
are gonna back out last second.

Carol, this is a complete waste of glitter.

Okay? Melissa would never go for Todd.

I mean, she's beautiful and smart and kind

and he's Todd.

I don't know.
I think they're more alike than you think.

I mean, they have that whole
favorite movie in common.

Oh, please, Carol.

Love runs deeper
than just sharing a favorite movie.

Hey.

- What's up, Phil?
- Oh, just gettin' busy livin'.

I still can't believe that Shawshank's
your favorite movie, too.

- What a cool thing to have in common.
- Yeah, I guess.

Though it's a lot of people's favorite movie.

I was actually thinking about my
favorite Shawshank quote this morning.

- You want to hear it?
- Yeah.

Okay, this is Red, as played
by actor Morgan Freeman.

"I have to remind myself
that some birds aren't meant to be caged.

"Their feathers are just too bright."

- Wow, that was...
- "And when they fly away,

"the part of you that knows
it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice."

- That was really great.
- Huh? Yeah.

Oh, my God,
how about last night when I said

that Tom Hanks was in Shawshank
and you totally fell for it?

You should have seen the look on your face.

You were like, "What is
this guy talking about?"

Well, no, I just thought
you hadn't seen the movie

and were pretending like you had.

Classic. If I hadn't seen it,
would I have known

that Richard Francis-Bruce
edited the dang thing?

Or that Ken Magee played Ned Grimes?
Geez.

What's going on here?
You got a bunch of post-it notes up here.

That's crazy. How'd you guys get up there?
No, no, no, I got 'em.

Well, I'm gonna get these
and get out of your hair.

Your hair's looking nice, by the way.

Uh, quick question. Is now a good time
to talk about repopulation?

- No.
- Okay, good, good.

Oh, is this because Todd's here?
Okay, talk to you later.

It seems like it's a lot of glitter
until you get it on,

- and then you just want more glitter.
- It's pretty.

Knock, knock.

I'm here for the group outing.

Ah, showed up fashionably on time.

- Hey, Melissa.
- Hey, Todd.

Look at you two in your fun casual wear.

Well, I'm so excited about today.

I can't wait to just get out there
and just have some fun...

Excuse me. That was weird.
I'm assuming it was nothing.

So what's the plan, Stan?

Well, we are going to Se?or Goodtimes
Family Funtorium on Third Street.

They got mini golf, go-karts.
The whole kitchen caboodle...

- Carol?
- Kitchen caboodle.

Oh, no. Here we go again.

Carol, you okay?

- Hang on one second. I'm sorry.
- No.

Okay. All better now.

Ooh.

- I am so sorry.
- No.

I don't know if you heard that,
but I just vomited.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, we heard.

Wanna see it for proof?

- No, no, no, no.
- No, it's okay.

I just don't know if I can go
on this outing anymore.

You two go ahead without me.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

Hey, party's in here I guess, huh?

We're not gonna leave you here
when you're sick.

Oh, that's okay. Phil will take care of me.

- Phil?
- What?

I just vomited.
It's in the pot if you want proof.

I'm gonna need you
to stay here with me, so...

I wanna go with them.

Phil, you can't leave
your sick wife all alone.

Yeah, but, Carol...

Uh...

You're right. You're right, yeah.
You guys go ahead without us.

Gotta stay here with my number one.

- You guys have fun.
- All right.

- Thanks. Well, feel better.
- Yeah.

I'm sorry. Gosh.

- Bye.
- Bye, Phil. Thank you. See you, buddy.

Yup. Yup.

And that's the Pilbasian nudge.

You want some soup?

Gonna bump ya.

Bump. Oh, yeah?

Oh, you having fun,
playing around on your little date?

She makes it seem
like she's having fun by laughing,

but I know what her real laugh's like.

God. What a waste of an afternoon for her.

Break something in the parking lot.
Se?or Goodtimes.

- That's my goal.
- I can feel it.

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, playing normal golf at a putt-putt place.
How original.

I did that on, like, day one here.

Can't you get it
through your head, dude?

You're in the friend zone!

- Ready?
- Yes.

- Eyes closed.
- Okay.

Mmm.

Easy. Sour apple.

You are good.

- All right, your turn. Ready?
- Okay.

Don't give me licorice again.

What kind of guy do you think I am, huh?

Todd. Ew! Todd!

I didn't know that was licorice.
I didn't know it was licorice.

- Jellybean shower for you.
- Oh, my God!

I swear I didn't know.

- You're getting a jellybean shower.
- No.

You are. You're gonna get it.

You can't be falling for this dude, can you?

- Truce?
- All right.

Nah, you're just friends.

Carol, I don't want to
demean your system here,

but it's just so elaborate.

- You just have a rag and a brush?
- Just keep spinning.

Oh, I heard Melissa and Todd
had a really fun time today.

- Is that so?
- That is so.

And now they're going
on another date tomorrow.

- What?
- Yeah, a tennis date.

Oh, I told you all they needed
was a little nudge.

Carol, will you stop nudging them?

It's just wrong.
I mean, you're trying to play God.

That's enough nudges.

This one wasn't me. Melissa asked Todd.

She did?

That's the power of the Pilbasian nudge.

It's like a slinky.

I just give them the initial push

and they take the rest of the steps
on their own.

You know what, Carol?

Maybe we should join them.

I think we should let them
be alone together.

Well, this is a really critical time
for them, you know.

One false move
and the whole thing could be off.

Phil Miller getting in
on the nudge game, huh?

I just want to be there to make sure
things go exactly how we want them to.

All right, guys.
Well, thanks again for letting us join here.

Yeah. Keep in mind,
I've never played before.

Well, don't worry, Todd.
You can be on my team.

- I'll show you the ropes.
- Oh, no, no, no.

I think Todd should be with Melissa.

Oh, too late, Carol. I called him.

Okay, so, Melissa, why don't you
and Carol be shirts,

and Todd and I will be skins?

Shirts and skins?
You don't do that in tennis.

No, not normally, but you know,
Todd's new to the game.

I think it'll be easier for him
to identify the teams

if we're doing shirts and skins.

There's a net separating the teams.

Yeah, but what if the net breaks?

Oh, look at you. Got a little belly.

No, I don't. I do not.

Pop a skin. Come on.

You know, I don't care.

I mean, it's kind of hot out here anyway,
so, skins it is.

Oh, my God. Todd, what happened?

It's pretty simple really.
Just a long history of overeating.

You mean the scar?

Scar?

Oh, ew!

It's disgusting, right?

I donated one of my kidneys
to my foster brother, Hector.

- Oh, that is so sweet.
- Todd.

Tennis, anyone?

It was about 10 years ago.

He had this disease where his kidneys
couldn't process sodium.

And we could not find a donor, you know.

- So I got checked out. It was a match, and...
- Love serving love!

- ...a week later, we did the surgery.
- Yeah.

- First it was looking really good, you know?
- Love serving love.

Hector was starting to get his color back.

- And all of a sudden...
- Okay, fault!

...his body rejected the kidney.

- Oh.
- Aw.

Just like that, he was gone.

Uh... Let.

- He was only 13.
- Serving two!

- That's horrible.
- I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm just gonna...

Guys, we're losing the light here!

Need a minute. Thank you.

Wait, Todd. Wait.

Oh, poor guy.

- I'm gonna go check on Todd.
- No, leave them alone!

I will.

Oh.

Brilliant nudge.
How did you know about the scar?

Just dumb luck, I guess.

Well, it worked perfectly.

Got to stop this. Got to stop this.

Got to do something to stop this. Stop this.

Hey! Just checking in to see
how you're doing tonight.

I'm fine.

Good, good. Good.

So, uh, Todd, huh?

What a guy.

- Yeah, he's a great guy.
- Yeah, yeah.

Just a big ol' breath of fresh air,
or seems like it right now at least?

How so?

Well, I have a lot of experience
with the fat community.

In the old world, all of my friends were fats.
You know, just every last one of them.

My skinniest friend was 225
and he was 5'2".

So I know the mindset of the fats very well.

And what is the mindset?

Fats are very loose with the facts.

You know, they've been ridiculed
their whole lives, so they, you know,

they pump up their stats.

For instance,
a fat who works in a mailroom

might claim at a cocktail party
that they're the CEO of the company.

That kind of stuff.

You know, I hate to say this, I really do,
but it's hard to trust fats.

You are such an ass.

I'm concerned about you. Wait, wait, wait!

Melissa! Come on,
I'm trying to help you here!

Damn it!

Melissa!

I'm sorry. Todd's a great guy.
He didn't deserve this.

I think I'm going crazy.

Look, for the last two years, I've...

All I've been doing is, like,
going around drinking

and breaking stuff
and talking to sports balls

like they're people.

But now that actual people are here, I...

You know, I'm still trying to figure out
how to talk to 'em.

So, you're right.

I'm an ass.

But whether you believe it or not,
I'm really, really sorry.

Okay. Good night.

You talk to sports balls?

And that's Bryce, and that is Antawn
and Diego and Gary.

Gary's, like, my best friend.

- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.

Thanks for showing me this.
That explains a lot, actually.

Yeah. I know.

- You want a whiskey?
- Sure.

Okay. All right.

- Phil, can I ask you something?
- Sure.

What's your favorite movie?

- What is my favorite movie?
- Mmm.

Uh...

The Godfather.

- Why didn't you just say that?
- I don't know. I just... I don't know.

The Godfather is, like,
my second favorite movie.

And Tom Hanks is phenomenal in it.

I deserved that. I did deserve that.

Just be honest with me about stuff.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Okay, okay.

Well, here goes nothing.

You were the one I was waiting for.

From the moment I met you,
you took my breath away.

I mean, I've never felt this way
about anybody else before.

And when I'm around you,
I'm a frigging idiot.

I say the dumbest things.

Because I can't think straight.

Because when I look into your eyes,

all I can think about is
how every minute of every day

I want to be looking into those eyes.

I think I'm falling in love with you.

Is there any chance that you would feel
that same way about me?

No.

So I was gonna say all that stuff to Carol.

Uh, what do you think? Any notes?

No, I think Carol will love that.

Yeah, good.
Okay, that's what I was thinking, too.

Yeah, I'll just keep it exactly the same
for Carol.

Yeah.

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