The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 1, Episode 4 - Sweet Melissa - full transcript

Phil must work fast in order to save human existence.

Previously on The Last Man on Earth.

- I do.
- I do?

I thought this whole marriage
thing was just gonna be

an absolute disaster,

but it's surprisingly

- tolerable.
- Whoa!



Hello in there?

Are you okay?

- Uh...
- Phil!

Wait, is there someone else in your car?

Can't get my seatbelt off.

Oh... She's fine.

Oh, my God!

Oh, yeah, uh, Carol, get out of that truck.

another person on Earth.

I know, I know,

I know, I know, I know, I know.

- Are you okay?
- I just, uh, banged my knee, I think.

Well, here, put your arm around me.

Come on, we got to get away from this car.

I can't believe you're here.
Phil, can you believe it?

There's another person.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Come on, let's get in my car.




I called it!

We'll just go over here. It's fine.

Hey, how you doing back there?

Oh, I'm great. Would you believe

this is my first ride in a limousine?

I feel like

Imelda Marcos back here.

I'm Carol, by the way. That's Phil.


I'm Melissa.

What brings you to Arizona?

Oh, you know, the unbearable heat,

lack of water.

See, that's the exact reason why I

wouldn't want to come, but...

No, I saw these billboards that said

"Alive in Tucson" so I decided

- to give it a shot.
- Those are Phil's.

Oh, yeah? You did those?

That was a really smart idea.

Mm. I mean... whatever.

I wish you would have put
your address on them, though.

I've been here two weeks,
just driving around.

- Wait, y... you've been here for two weeks?
- So you were

here before me? That's funny.

Yeah, Phil, you should've
put your address on

the sign.

Yup. Should've done that.

That's okay, though. Couple
days here, couple days there.

What would have really been different?


Except you could have been
a guest at our wedding.

Oh, you... you guys are married?

- I mean...
- Yup. Tied the knot.

Well, wait,

you've known each other,
like, a week, right?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

- Yeah.
- You guys don't mess around.

Yes, we do.

- Carol...
- We had a awkward patch at first,

but, oh, we have been really

jelling lately. It's not uncommon

for us to finish each other's...

That's a cool function.

So when Carol says marriage...


The-the little window went up.

Did you guys see that? Ha.

Yeah, we're literally
in the honeymoon phase.

We're trying to have

a baby, so you know what that means...

Oop! The window's going up again.

Wait, am I pushing

the window? I'm not pushing it.

So, uh,

this is Chez Phil.


Holy crap, is that Water Lilies?

- Yup.
- It's stolen.

Phil stole

all of this.

Well, is it really stealing if

- there are no people left?
- That's what I said.

Well, I could really use some rest.
Where should I stay?

Well, you should probably
stay right here, right?

You know, it's probably good to have

somebody watching over you in case

you got a concussion or something.

I-I don't have a concussion.

That's what people always say

when they got a little concush brewing.

- I definitely don't have one.
- Think about it.

S-So can I just take any house? Or...

Well, this one's Phil's.

And mine's the one across the
street with the broken door.


Phil broke it.

I'm gonna fix your door, Carol.

Well, he's not very handy,

so I'm not gonna hold my breast.


Why would I hold my breath? I would die.

Ca... why would you hold your breast?

- Oh. No...
- It's "holding your breath" because

there's danger if you hold your breath.

I wouldn't. That's what I'm saying.

So the house with the broken door is yours.


But every other one is available.

I would avoid the white one,

because Phil uses the pool as a toilet.

- Carol...
- What? It's the truth.

You know... she just got here. It's...

But the toilet pool's the
first thing you showed me.

But... Yeah, but you
don't have to tell her,

- you know, the...
- Okay, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have put Phil's
business out on the streets.

But don't go swimming in there.

I'll try to resist the urge.

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

You go have yourself a good snooze, okay?

And when you wake up,

why don't you drop by for dinner?

Dinner's a great idea.

Oh, yeah. You come, too, Carol, sure.

I still can't believe this. This is...

Never thought I'd see people again.

And you two sure are...

you know... people.

Come here.


Hey, I want to get in on this.

- Mm.


Okay, that's my limit, probably.

Okay. All right.


- She's nice. I like her.
- Yeah.

And voil?. There you have it:

The world-famous Pilbasian casserole.

So what-what's in that?

Well, you got your raisin
balls, canned tomato sauce

mint chutney and then

potato chips for mouth feel.

You want to try some?


Okay. Let's get all

that tomato sauce and then... Mmm.

It's a juicy one.


- Mmm.
- Uh-huh. I knew you'd love it.


Phil, what's taking you so long?

Be right down.

He's probably deciding

between his cargo shorts
and his sweat pants.

I'm predicting cargo shorts.

But you never know with Phil.

Could be sweat pants, too. I don't know.

Hello, ladies.

Phil Miller. What's gotten into you?

I don't know what you're
talking about, Carol.

Just coming down for dinner, as I do.

So you got rid of the beard.

Yes, I did.

Thought that was kind of cool.

You did? Oh.

Yeah, your chin

is... too pointy. You just need
something to smooth it out.

And you feel the same... way about that?

- Yeah, you look smaller.
- Weaker.


Who do you look like?

Quentin Tarantino.

Uh, okay, yeah, yeah. I
don't see that, but...

- K.D. Lang, isn't it?
- Oh, K.D... It's K.D. Lang.

K.D. Lang, the-the female country singer?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Well, I like it.

Well, you don't have to look at it.

I guess I don't.

Uh, shall we eat?

So, uh... tell us more about yourself.

Who is Melissa...

What's your last name?

- Shart.
- Sharp?



Beautiful name.

So who is

Melissa Shart? What makes her tick?

Well, I grew up in Akron.

- Ohio.
- Yes.

Yup. And then

went to UNLV.

Go Runnin' Rebels.

Yeah, that's the mascot.

I know it well. I know it well.

Our mascot was St. Peter.

I went to a Catholic university.

He was fierce.


Go on. Go on.

Well, I was a real estate agent.

So if you're looking to move,

right now's a buyer's market.

That's very funny.

That's a good joke.

No, but it's been weird. It's been hard.

No, no, no. I know. We
shouldn't joke about that.

But we have to laugh about it.

Best medicine. Got to laugh.

Got to joke about it.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Hey,

I-I just want to apologize
for smashing up your limo.

I feel just awful about that.

Oh, don't even worry about it. I
don't care about that thing.

- You sure?
- Now, if had been my old

VW Bug, we would've had a problem.

Wait, you used to have a VW Bug?

- Yeah.
- I used to have a VW Bug!

- You did?
- Yeah, I did.

That's such a fun thing to have in common.

- Yeah.
- Couple of Bug owners here.


Which one did you have?

Okay, well, full disclosure,

it was actually my buddy's sister's Bug.

And it was a... a Jetta.

But, uh, God, I logged some
serious hours in there.

Love those things.

- Great cars.
- Yeah.

So, uh, Melissa,

were you married in the old world?

Yes, I was married once

to a jerk named Greg.

Cheated on me with a cop.

Friggin' cheaters.

I'm so sorry you went through that.

No, it was all for the best.

- Yeah.
- He wasn't my type anyway.

And what is your type?

Just a man's man. A provider.

Duly noted.

- Um...
- Oh, uh, for... Carol, you know?

Trying to make myself a better
husband for that woman.

And you should.

'Cause Carol, you seem
like a really great lady.

Thank you.

Well, and I-I think Greg's crazy,

because you, Melissa, are a catch.

Like, a Moby Dick-sized catch.

Moby Dick?

Try Moby Double Dick.

Well, I'm gonna get to bed.

Thank you, dinner was...

Thank you.

- Walk you home?
- I'm good.

How about another group hug?

Rain check.

Well, I'm gonna collect.

Believe you me.

Like a tax man collecting hug tax.

I will collect.

So, you ready to take the train

to repopulation station?

Without your beard, you're
like a whole new man.

It's like I'm cheating on my husband.

Which I would never, ever do.

Yeah, uh, look, I'm sorry, Carol,

I-I really don't feel like it tonight.

I think I ate something
that didn't agree with me.


Is it diarrhea?

Carol, can we please not talk about this?

Phil, I'm your wife, and I want you to know

that you can always tell
me about your diarrhea.

- Carol...
- You can,

and I'll tell you if I ever have it.

It's part of the deal.

It's why people get married.

So they can tell each
other stuff like that.

Carol, look, I don't have diarrhea, okay?

My stomach is just upset.

But I promise you, as your husband,

the moment I have diarrhea,

I will march on over to your house

and tell you all about it.

And I look forward to hearing about yours.


I promise.


Hey, Phil?


Are you attracted to Melissa?





Come here.

I want to show you something.

This way.

Hi, Phil. Guess what I have?

Starts with a "D."


diarrhea, diarrhea!

Come in.

Oh, hey, Melissa.

What can I do you for?

Can you come with me?

Yeah, hang on one sec.

Almost done with my set.

Got to get those reps in. Ha.





393... that's my number.

Let's do it.

So, what is this?

I don't know.

Must be from the Volkswagen fairy.

No biggie.

You know, I felt bad about the limo

and so I made right.

That's how I do.

I'm a provider like that.

You really don't have to do that.

I don't do things 'cause I have to.


Can I see you for a second?!

Sure, Carol!

Anything for you!

So devoted to her.

- Phil!
- I said I'm coming, Carol!

You shouted?

You bought Melissa a car?

Yeah, Carol, I smashed up her limo.

So you have all the time to do that,

but you couldn't take the
time to fix my door?

Carol, this door is broken in
a way that cannot be fixed.

Okay, it was broken from the start,

so maybe it's time to
think about moving on.

Phil, when something's broken,

you don't just throw it away.

Okay, you work on it and you fix it.

Fine, Carol.

I'll fix the stupid door.

- Fine. Fine.
- Fine!

- Fine! Fine!
- Fine! Fine!

Locked in a pretty serious
battle with Carol's door.

Gonna pop down to the hardware store,

uh, pick up some supplies,

gonna get some two by's, some four by's,

nails for sure.

- A Wilson Phillips head screwdriver...
- A what?

A Wilson Phillips head screwdriver.

You mean a Phillips head screwdriver.

Wilson Phillips was a band.

They named a band after a screwdriver.

Cool. Well, uh,

catch you on the flippity.

Pick up a shirt while you're at it.

Yeah, so,

that's the wedding scrapbook.

Wish there were actual picture.


- I like the illustrations.
- Thank you.

Yeah, I took a class from a
police sketch artist once.

His drawings led to the capture
of the Green River killer.

Well, it really shows.

Hey, I was wondering,
why don't you and Phil

live in the same house?

He likes to have a little buffer.

But why? You're his wife.

Well, to be honest,

we only got married to repopulate.

I didn't want bastard children.

And I got to give him credit.

I mean, he could've walked away.

Most men would probably think
I was crazy for wanting

to be married.

Do you think I'm crazy?

Carol, no.

Do you know how I've spent
the last year of my life?

I've been driving

around the country going
to different coffee shops.

Just sitting there, reading old magazines

with my little cup, and
I'd write my name on it

and misspell it.

Just to feel normal.

Well, I'll go have coffee with you.

I'd like that.

Wh... Is that me?


I just got here yesterday.

Oh, yeah, that's one thing
they teach you in the class.

You have to sketch fast or
the killer could kill again.



How's it coming?

Oh, hey!

It's going insanely good. It...

Insanely good.

Yeah, it looks like it.

Well, there's an easy fix for that.

You know, you just throw a little

nail in there, like so.

I got my thumb there.

Are you okay?

No, I'm good. I'm good. I'm doing great.

And how are you doing?

I was just wanting to invite
you and Carol over later,

if you're free.

I hooked up my fridge to a little generator

and have some beers chilling.

Well, that'd be great.

Uh, you know, I'll definitely
pass that on to Carol.

It's too bad Carol couldn't come.

Yeah. Diarrhea.

She takes a lot of chances in the kitchen.

But, uh, don't mention it to her, okay?

She gets real embarrassed.

Can I confess something to you?

Yeah, of course.

When I first met you guys,
I liked Carol immediately,

but I was a little...

unclear on you.

Un-unclear in what way?

There was a weird... weird energy at first.


That's, uh, crazy. What?

But then I talked to Carol

and she told me more about your situation,

and I realized, I might've...

you know, just...

misjudged you, so-so I'm sorry.

Yeah, you misjudged me 'cause I'm not...

That's weird, you
were unclear on that, but...

I said I was sorry.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm saying thanks for saying it.

It takes a big person to be so...
to say sorry

and that was... that's a cool gesture

and, you know, especially
when you're wrong like that.

Um, so...

Hey, cheers to that, though.

I'm so happy that you misjudged me

and think I'm great.

Oh, I need to get another beer.

You want another beer?

Well, pretty tipsy already, but why not?

- One more beer.
- One more won't kill me.


Two years.

Such a long time.


I get so lonely, you know.


I guess it's just that I'm...

and I really hate this word,

but there's no other way to say it,

I'm horny.

I'm so horny, Phil.


I mean, after something like this happens,

you realize how necessary it is to be...

you know, just touched

and held and kissed.

I would saw off my right arm to make out

with a dude.

I would, too. I would, too. It's natural.

You know, that's why I'm so
happy for you and Carol.

No, but...

I mean, I know that it's not
perfect between you guys,

but at least you have each other.

Yeah, but I mean...

And I respect that.

But God, I just want to get laid.

Sorry, that was inappropriate.

No, no, no, no.

I shouldn't be talking to
a married man like that.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't
beat yourself up about that.

It's just my luck, the only man
left on the face of the Earth

and he's married.

He doesn't have to be.


I got to go have a quick talk with Carol

and I will be right back.


Coming in!

- Carol.
- Hi, Phil.

I have something really important

I need to talk to you about.

Okay, hold on just... just putting

the finishing touches on this project.

I really need to talk to
you about this marriage.

And... done.

I think you're really going to like it.

It's for my door.

Oh, no.

Home of Carol Pilbasian-Miller.

Look, Phil,

I know it can be an annoying job at time

to fix the door,

but I thought this could help.

It's just a reminder
that I'm rooting for you

and I believe in you, 'cause I'm your wife.

And I know

fixing the door may take time,

but I believe that one day you will fix it

and that door will be magnificent.

Um, wh-what did you want to talk about?

I have diarrhea.

Thank you.


Phil, you know the door
symbolizes our marriage.

I know, Carol. I know.