The L Word (2004–2009): Season 4, Episode 6 - Luck Be a Lady - full transcript

I'M JUST SAYING

I DON'T THINK I FEEL COMFORTABLE

DOING THIS ANYMORE.

ALICE, I'VE NEVER
FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

ABOUT ANYONE.

I THINK I SHOULD GO.

THE VAGINA'S GIRLFRIEND

WAS MOLESTED,

AND NOW SHE'S, LIKE,
THIS PERFECT SAINT.

I'M TRYING TO FIND
A FRIEND OF MINE...

LINDSEY.



MY GIRLFRIEND, STACEY.

SHE'S A JOURNALIST.

WE'RE KIND OF HAVING
PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW.

AW, I'M SO SORRY.

YEAH, I BET YOU ARE.

YOU HAVE A MOTORCYCLE?

FUCK, THAT'S COOL!

I'LL TAKE YOU FOR
A RIDE SOMETIME.

I WOULD LOVE THAT.

FUCK...

I WANT ANOTHER LESSON.

SHE IS SO FIRED.

IT'S ABOUT KIT.

ANGUS IS...



CHEATING ON HER.

AND HE BROKE HIS ARM.

POOR THING.

DO YOU HAVE MEDICAL INSURANCE?

UH, NO, I DON'T.

HOW ARE YOU MANAGING?

WELL, I-I TOOK ANOTHER
JOB TO HELP PAY FOR, UH...

HIS ARM, AND EVERYTHING
THAT COMES WITH IT.

THAT'S A BITCH.

MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU...

BUT, UH, WE DO WHAT
WE HAVE TO DO, RIGHT?

[♪♪]

"YOU'RE LOOKING
VERY SHANE TODAY."

ISN'T IT FANTASTIC?

IT STRIKES EXACTLY
THE CHORD WE WANT.

SEXY AND WITHHOLDING.

LIKE, "YOU WANNA FUCK ME,

BUT YOU CAN'T FUCK ME."

TOMORROW NIGHT'S
GOING TO BE AMAZING.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

I'M SORRY, WHAT'S
TOMORROW NIGHT?

SILLY, WE'RE SPONSORING

THE ROLL THE DICE PREMIERE.

OH... WELL, I DON'T KNOW

IF I CAN GET A
BABYSITTER IN TIME.

TOMORROW NIGHT

THERE'S GOING TO
BE YOU EVERYWHERE.

POSTERS, BILLBOARDS,
GIFT BAGS, COASTERS,

TCHOTCHKES,
KEYCHAINS, HANDBAGS...

AND YOU.

YOU'D BETTER BE THERE

LOOKING VERY SHANE.

IT'S THE BIGGEST
PARTY OF THE YEAR,

AND YOU'RE OUR NEWEST "IT" GIRL!

DON'T YOU WANT TO JUST DIE?

[♪♪]

♪ GIRLS IN TIGHT DRESSES
WHO DRAG WITH MUSTACHES ♪

♪ CHICKS DRIVING FAST
INGENUES WITH LONG LASHES ♪

♪ WOMEN WHO LONG, LOVE,
LUST WOMEN WHO GIVE ♪

♪ THIS IS THE WAY IT'S
THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ TALKING, LAUGHING
LOVING, BREATHING ♪

♪ FIGHTING, FUCKING
CRYING, DRINKING ♪

♪ WRITING, WINNING
LOSING, CHEATING ♪

♪ KISSING, THINKING, DREAMING ♪

♪ THIS IS THE WAY... ♪

♪ IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ AND LOVE ♪

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

YEAH.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT PHYLLIS!

SHE KEEPS CALLING ME,

AND SHE THINKS I'M
THE LOVE OF HER LIFE.

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT, MAN?

YOU WERE HER FIRST LOVE.

I KNOW, BUT SHANE,
SHE'S MARRIED WITH KIDS!

AND SHE'S THIS TOTALLY
ACCOMPLISHED WOMAN

WITH THIS BIG-TIME CAREER,

AND THIS WHOLE
OTHER, YOU KNOW, LIFE,

AND NOW BETTE'S MAD AT ME...

LOOK, ALICE,

I LOVE YOU TO PIECES, ANGEL,

BUT I GOT TO DEAL WITH
MY OWN STUFF RIGHT NOW.

WHAT THING?

THE FUCKIN' UNDERWEAR THING.

BE SPECIFIC.

YOU KNOW, THE FUCKIN'
BULLSHIT GODDAMN

HOLLYWOOD PARTY
THAT I HAVE TO GO TO.

OOH, WHAT MOVIE?

UH, WHAT IS IT? ROLL THE DICE?

YOU'RE PART OF THE
ROLL THE DICE PREMIERE?

THAT'S SO EXCITING!

NO, IT'S REALLY NOT
THAT BIG OF A DEAL.

OH, MY GOD, CAN I
PLEASE BE YOUR DATE?

PLEASE?

AND I THINK YOU SHOULD
INVITE EVERYBODY.

NO!

NO... I MEAN, YES,
YOU CAN BE MY DATE,

BUT NO, I DON'T WANT YOU
INVITING ANYBODY ELSE.

DON'T BE A YENTA.

ALL RIGHT, SHANE,

I REALLY THINK WE
SHOULD ALL BE THERE

TO, LIKE, SUPPORT
YOUR UNDERWEAR.

ALICE, ALICE! OH, SHIT, HOLD ON.

ALICE! THAT'S MY OTHER LINE.

HELLO?

ALICE, THIS THING WITH PHYLLIS

IS COMPLETELY OUT OF HAND

ALL RIGHT, TWO
WORDS... SASKIA PHILLIPS.

WHAT?

SHE'S THAT REALLY HOT STAR

OF, YOU KNOW, ROLL THE DICE,

AND WE ALL WANT TO
GO TO THE PREMIERE

TOMORROW NIGHT
IN SUPPORT OF SHANE.

I CAN'T GO. WHY?

BECAUSE I HAVE TO WORK.

WHY DO I HAVE TO WORK?
BECAUSE OF THE WAY

THAT YOU BROKE UP WITH PHYLLIS.

SHE'S COMPLETELY
TERRORIZING MY STAFF.

SHE HAS ALREADY
SLASHED MY BUDGET.

IT'S A FUCKING
BLOODBATH OVER HERE!

I'VE GOT PHYLLIS ON LINE ONE.

ALICE, CAN YOU HOLD ON A SECOND?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

[SIGHS]

OKAY...

PHYLLIS...

HAVE YOU HEARD FROM ALICE?

NO.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M SURE THAT SHE'S JUST SWAMPED

WITH HER... HER
INTERNET SITE, AND...

I NEED YOU TO GET
HER TO TALK TO ME.

IT'S A DIFFICULT
SITUATION, PHYLLIS.

THE SEX WAS INCREDIBLE.

STELLAR, EARTH-SHATTERING, EVEN.

WELL, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES...

CAN I GET A DOUBLE AMERICANO?

WHEN YOU HAVE GREAT SEX
WITH SOMEONE, IT DOESN'T MEAN...

[RINGING]

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
HAVE A RELATIONSHIP.

HELLO?

WE'RE OUT OF MILK.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN,

WE ARE GOING TO THE PREMIERE

OF ROLL THE DICE TOMORROW NIGHT

TO SEE SHANE'S UNDERWEAR.

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE.

EVEN WHEN I WORK, I LOSE MONEY.

HELENA, SERIOUSLY,
I'M GETTING WORRIED.

BECAUSE, LIKE,
YOU'RE NOT EATING,

YOU'RE NOT SLEEPING...

I'M EATING, ALL
RIGHT? I'M EATING.

DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE COMING.

YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE A GREAT TIME.

WE'RE ALL GOING TO GO
SEE SHANE'S UNDERWEAR.

IT'S GREAT. I'LL
TALK TO YOU LATER.

[RINGING]

WHAT? HELENA'S IN!

ALICE! I'M TELLING
YOU, THAT'S THE POINT!

I DON'T WANT ANYBODY IN!

ANYBODY OUT! [BEEPING]

IT'S PAPI. HOLD ON.

YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK IT.

I'M GETTING OFF. I WANT COFFEE.

YO! ALICIA...

YOU GOING TO THAT
ROLL THE DICE PREMIERE

TOMORROW NIGHT
WITH YOUR GIRL, SHANE?

YES, I AM. ALL RIGHT,

'CAUSE I GOT MYSELF A TICKET

FROM THIS PRODUCER THAT I DRIVE,

BUT I WANT TO
BRING MY GIRL TASHA.

SHE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

GIRL, SHE'S NOT MY "GIRL."

SHE'S MY GIRL, YOU KNOW?

AND BY THE WAY,

SHE IS ONE OF THE BEST PEOPLE
ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET

THAT YOU COULD EVER MEET...

AND I THINK SHE
THINKS YOU'RE CUTE.

SHE THINKS I'M CUTE?

DEFINITELY. OKAY, LISTEN.

I'LL TRY TO HOOK
YOU UP WITH A TICKET.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

ALSO, THERE'S AN AFTER PARTY

THROWN BY SOME
WOMAN, LIKE, ROTHBERG?

OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

CATHERINE ROTHBERG.

SHE'S FAMOUS FOR HER
HIGH-STAKES POKER GAMES,

BUT SHE'S WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PLAY.

THAT'S OKAY, GIRL,

'CAUSE I JUST HAPPEN
TO BE AN EXPERT,

AND I'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO PLAY.

OKAY, GREAT.

SEE YOU. OKAY... OH, BYE.

GREAT. FUN, FUN, FUN...

YO. WE'RE GOING OUT TONIGHT.

I'M SENSING A LOVE CONNECTION.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

DON'T DO IT.

YOU CAN'T FIGHT
THE FATES, WILLIAMS.

I SEE THE SIGNS.

WE'RE GOING OUT,
AND THAT'S AN ORDER.

UH, JODI LERNER'S
HERE TO SEE YOU.

WHAT?

UH...

JODI...

UM... HI.

I'M REALLY SORRY THAT I
HAVEN'T RETURNED YOUR CALLS.

I'VE JUST BEEN SO
SLAMMED WITH WORK...

YOU KNOW WHAT? STOP IT.

IT'S...

YOU'VE BEEN FREAKING OUT
EVER SINCE WE ALMOST KISSED,

AND YOU'RE AVOIDING ME,

SO I JUST WANTED TO SAY...

GET OVER IT.

YOU'RE WICKED HOT,

AND I WOULD HAVE GONE FOR IT,

BUT WE HAVE TO
WORK TOGETHER, SO...

IF YOU WANT TO PRETEND
THAT IT NEVER HAPPENED,

I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW
TO RESPOND TO THAT.

I'VE GOT PHYLLIS ON LINE ONE.

SHIT.

I'LL LET YOU GET THAT.

[SIGHING HEAVILY]

OKAY...

PHYLLIS.

IT'S BECAUSE SHE MET LEONARD.

IF I DIDN'T HAVE A HUSBAND,

EVERYTHING WOULD BE DIFFERENT.

ALICE ON LINE FOUR.

PHYLLIS, CAN YOU HOLD
ON FOR JUST A SECOND?

ALICE...

ALICE, YOU HAVE TO
BREAK UP WITH HER.

I ALREADY BROKE UP WITH HER...

YEAH, WELL, YOU
RE-BREAK UP WITH HER,

BECAUSE SOME LESBIANS,

YOU HAVE TO BREAK UP
WITH THEM MORE THAN ONCE...

[BEEPING]

HOLD ON. THAT'S
JENNY. I GOT TO GO...

I'M SERIOUS!

ALICE! OKAY!

HI. HI.

DO YOU WANT TO
COME TO THE PLANET

AND HAVE COFFEE WITH ME?

I WISH I COULD.

THERE'S TOO MUCH DRAMA,

BUT LISTEN, WE'RE ALL
GOING TO THE PREMIERE

OF ROLL THE DICE TOMORROW NIGHT.

DO YOU WANT TO COME?

YEAH, DEFINITELY. HEY, MAMA.

HI. HANG ON ONE SECOND.

UM, THAT'S ALICE,

AND SHE'S PUTTING
TOGETHER A BUNCH OF PEOPLE

FOR THE ROLL THE DICE PREMIERE

TOMORROW NIGHT.

DO YOU WANT TO COME?

GIVE ME THE PHONE.

ALICE, YOU'RE
FUCKING KILLING ME.

I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING!

YEAH, DEAN PORTER'S OFFICE.

UH, KIT, HER SISTER, IS CALLING.

I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF.

BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF,

JENNY WANTS TO KNOW

DO YOU WANT TO GO
TO A PREMIERE WITH HER

TOMORROW NIGHT.

I CAN'T GO BECAUSE I'LL BE DEAD

BECAUSE I WILL
HAVE KILLED MYSELF.

PHYLLIS WILL NOT GET
OFF THE FUCKING PHONE.

WELL, SHANE'S ON THE
PHONE WITH ALICE NOW.

TELL HER TO TELL ALICE
TO BREAK IT OFF RIGHT NOW.

SHANE... YEAH?

BETTE SAID TELL
ALICE TO CALL PHYLLIS

AND BREAK IT OFF
WITH HER RIGHT NOW.

OKAY, KIT SAYS THAT BETTE SAYS

THAT YOU NEED TO CALL PHYLLIS

AND BREAK IT OFF
WITH HER RIGHT NOW.

I DID! SHE DID. SHE DID.

TELL HER TO DO IT AGAIN.

DO IT AGAIN.

LOOK, ALICE, WILL YOU PLEASE

LET THIS WOMAN OFF THE HOOK?

OH, REALLY?

YOU OF ALL PEOPLE
ARE GIVING ME ADVICE

HOW TO LET A GIRL DOWN EASY?

YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T THINK

I DON'T HAVE IS
NECESSARY. ANY MONEY.

ALSO, I DON'T WANT YOU
CHANGING THE TOPIC.

I WANT TO KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE

YOU FUCKING INVITED.

OKAY, I INVITED
HELENA, JENNY, BETTE...

SHE CAN'T COME...

UM, PAPI'S COMING,

BUT SHE NEEDS AN
EXTRA TICKET FOR TASHA...

BUT THAT'S HER ANGRY FRIEND.

SHE'S NOT ANGRY. [BEEPING]

SHE'S NOT ANGRY. SHE'S JUST...

WAIT, LOOK, AL, I'M SORRY.

THIS IS JENNY'S PHONE. HOLD ON.

HELLO.

DEBBIE?

WHAT? WHO'S DEBBIE?

OH, UH... IT'S FOR ME.

COULD YOU HOLD ON A SECOND?

OH, YEAH, SURE.

HEY, AL? YEAH?

LOOK, I GOT TO GO.
IT'S JENNY'S PHONE.

OKAY, LISTEN,
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE

A REALLY GOOD TIME
TOMORROW NIGHT.

UH-HUH, I'M SO SURE.

BYE.

UM, HOLD ON A SECOND PLEASE.

OKAY.

WHO'S DEBBIE?

UM...

DEBBIE IS MY CHILDHOOD NICKNAME.

RIGHT.

SORRY.

OKAY, DEBBIE.

HELLO?

HI!

I GOT YOUR MESSAGE.

YES. HI!

WELL, GUESS WHAT...

[WHISPERING]: SORRY.

[NORMAL VOICE]: I AM THINKING

ABOUT GETTING A PUPPY,

AND I WAS WONDERING

WHETHER YOU WANT TO COME WITH ME

TO THE SHELTER THIS WEEKEND

TO PICK ONE OUT.

OH, MY GOD.

I'D BE TOTALLY HONORED

TO HELP YOU PICK OUT A PUPPY,

BUT I CAN'T THIS WEEKEND.

UM, STACEY'S HERE.

YEAH, WE'RE GOING ON
A ROMANTIC WEEKEND,

AND WE LEAVE IN THE MORNING.

OH, REALLY?

WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING?

SHE BOOKED A B & B IN SOLVANG.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO
BE REALLY PRETTY.

THAT'S GREAT.

UM, I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU

THAT YOU'RE WORKING IT OUT.

THANK YOU.

I-I TOLD HER

THAT IF SHE CANCELED
THIS WEEKEND

IT WAS OVER.

I DID EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID,

AND THERE YOU GO. HUH, WELL...

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND.

THANKS, DEBBIE.

UM, DO YOU THINK I COULD
JUST USE YOUR PHONE

FOR JUST A QUICK SEC?

IT'S NOT LONG DISTANCE.

THANKS.

SORRY.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

[IN THICK ACCENT]: IS
STACEY MERKIN THERE?

SPEAKING.

THIS IS SOPHIA MANCUSO
CALLING FROM C MAGAZINE.

C MAGAZINE?

UH, YES. SI. C...

AND THE WRITER WHO WAS COVERING

THE ROLL THE DICE
PREMIERE, UM, UH...

DROP OUT TOMORROW,

AND WE WANT TO KNOW IF
YOU COULD GO TOMORROW

TO INTERVIEW THE
SHANE MCCUTCHEON.

GEE, THAT'S REALLY SHORT NOTICE.

I HAVE WEEKEND...

OH, NO! YOU'RE TOO BUSY?

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

OH, SO SAD, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

WE ARE LOOKING
FOR SENIOR EDITOR,

BUT IF YOU'RE TOO
BUSY, YOU KNOW...

NO, NO, NO, NO, WAIT.

I THINK I CAN REARRANGE
A FEW THINGS...

AH, EXCELLENT!

WE WILL BE IN TOUCH WITH YOU,

AND, UH, SOMEONE...
MY ASSISTANT ANGELICA

WILL CALL YOU ABOUT
THE PRESS PASS, OKAY?

OKAY.

BYE. BIG KISS TO YOU.

OKAY, BYE. BYE.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]:
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

DO YOU THINK ALICE IS
SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN?

NO, I DON'T THINK

SHE'S SEEING SOMEONE ELSE.

I THINK SHE PROBABLY
JUST NEEDS MORE SPACE.

WHY DOES SHE NEED SPACE?

DID SHE TELL YOU
SHE NEEDED SPACE?

UH, I HAVE ALICE ON LINE FOUR.

PHYLLIS, CAN YOU JUST
HOLD ON ONE SECOND?

JUST ONE SECOND, OKAY?

ALICE... NO.

I WANTED TO TELL
YOU THAT I FEEL BAD

ABOUT THIS PHYLLIS THING.

I JUST DON'T THINK
TALKING'S GOING TO HELP.

[RINGING]

OH, FUCK. PHYLLIS IS CALLING.

OH, PICK IT UP. NO, I CAN'T.

NO, NO, NO. PICK
IT UP RIGHT NOW.

OH, IT WENT TO VOICEMAIL.

FUCK... IT'S OKAY.

MY LIFE IS RUINED.
IT'S JUST RUINED.

I'M SORRY. I AM. I JUST...

I DIDN'T PLAN FOR
THIS TO HAPPEN.

HI. IT'S PHYLLIS.

I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW...

THAT I REALLY MISS YOU,

AND I WANT THIS
THING TO WORK OUT.

I KNOW YOU'RE SCARED.

I'M SCARED, TOO.

I DON'T WANT IT TO END, ALICE.

I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU.

UH, PLEASE CALL ME.

I'M AT THE OFFICE.

UM...

CALL ME?

OKAY...

PHYLLIS.

PHYLLIS?

DAMN IT!

TINA'S HERE TO SEE YOU.

WHAT? TINA?

HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT
TO GET YOU ON THE PHONE?

APPARENTLY NOT THAT HARD.

WELL, YOU CAN'T AVOID
ME WHENEVER YOU LIKE,

BECAUSE WE HAVE A KID
TOGETHER NOW, OKAY?

OKAY, WHAT DO YOU
NEED FROM ME NOW?

I NEED YOUR SIGNATURE

ON THE BEVERLY
MONTESSORI ENROLLMENT.

WAIT, ENROLLMENT?

I JUST... I JUST ONLY
SENT IN THE APPLICATIONS.

YOU WHAT?

WE DECIDED WE
WERE GOING TO APPLY

TO FIRST PRES, WALDORF,

THE CENTER FOR EARLY EDUCATION,

THEN I ADDED CHADWICK
AND CHILDREN'S INSTITUTE

BECAUSE THEY HAD EARLY
ARTS AND MUSIC PROGRAMS.

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?

HOW COULD MAKE ALL
THOSE DECISIONS WITHOUT ME?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I DIDN'T MAKE THIS
DECISION WITHOUT YOU.

WE BOTH DECIDED, TINA...

NO, WE DECIDED
NOTHING OF THE SORT.

ANGELICA SHOULD GO
TO BEVERLY MONTESSORI.

THERE IS NO WAY

WE ARE GOING TO PAY
$18,000 FOR PRESCHOOL...

WE WILL PAY WHATEVER IT TAKES

TO GET HER THE BEST
EDUCATION AVAILABLE...

BEVERLY MONTESSORI
IS A WONDERFUL SCHOOL,

AND IT HAPPENS TO BE

VERY CLOSE TO MY HOUSE...

THAT IS NOT A FACTOR.

SO YOU'RE GOING TO
MAKE ANGELICA TAKE

A TWO-AND-A-HALF-HOUR
CAR RIDE EVERY SINGLE DAY

SO SHE CAN GO TO PRESCHOOL
WITH DIANE KEATON'S KIDS?

NO!

I WILL MAKE SURE THAT SHE
GOES TO THE BEST SCHOOL, PERIOD.

THE BEST SCHOOL! PERIOD!

YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK IT.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I BOTHER.

YOU CLEARLY DECIDED
ALL OF THIS WITHOUT ME,

AND FOR THE RECORD,

I'M NOT GOING TO LET
YOUR OVERACHIEVING,

PSYCHO DYSFUNCTION

STRESS OUT OUR KID BEFORE
SHE'S THREE YEARS OLD!

IT'S JUST FUCKING
PRESCHOOL, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

CRAYONS AND PLAY-DOH.

NO, IT IS NOT JUST CRAYONS!

IT IS A FUCKING IVY
LEAGUE EDUCATION.

SO NAIVE!

JESUS!

UH, BETTE?

PHYLLIS IS ON LINE ONE.

OOH! FUCK YOU, JAMES!

JUST FUCK YOU!

HONESTLY, ALICE,
POKER'S NOT MY GAME.

I MEAN, I PLAYED
ONCE IN MONTE CARLO,

BUT I'M NOT A WINNER.

WELL, THAT'S OKAY,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S WHY PAPI'S COMING.

SHE'S GOING TO TEACH US
ALL THE LITTLE POKER TRICKS.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

OH, SHIT. COME IN!

HELENA, PICK YOUR SHIT UP.

GET YOUR PANTS OFF THE CHIPS.

WHAT'S UP!

HEY!

LIQUOR IN THE FRONT...

YEAH, POKER IN THE REAR!

I KNOW THAT ONE.

WHO WANTS A DRINK?

I DO, UH...

YOU WANT A DRINK?

YEAH, OKAY.

I INVITED SOME PEOPLE.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

YOU SHOULD JUST LEAVE THAT OPEN.

HEY, COME IN!

A LOT OF PEOPLE?

LIKE, A FEW.

HI. HEY.

WANT A... THANKS.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

I DON'T HAVE TO GET THAT...

PHONE CALL.

[SIGHS]

SO, PAPI, LISTEN, I...

I HAVEN'T PLAYED POKER
FOR A REALLY LONG TIME.

ALL RIGHT, MY LITTLE
ENGLISH MUFFIN,

DON'T YOU EVEN WORRY, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE LESSONS
YOU LEARN HERE TONIGHT.

OKAY, YOU FOLLOW
THESE SIMPLE RULES,

YOU CAN'T LOSE.

OKAY? OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S PLAY!

HI, PAPI.

HEY...

COME HERE, GIVE ME A KISS.

I LOVE YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU

GET YOUR GIRLS A DRINK, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT.

DO YOU LIKE CARDS, OR...

DO I?

COME WATCH HOW
I TAKE YOUR MONEY.

HEY.

NO, I REALLY WANT YOU
TO HEAR THE SONG, GIRL.

ANGUS, HE HASN'T HEARD IT.

I KNOW HE'S GOING
TO BE SO HAPPY...

HEY, JAMES?

JAMES, CAN YOU GET ME THE
BEST INTERNET SITE AVAILABLE

FOR LEARNING SIGN LANGUAGE?

ANGUS AND ANGELICA
ARE HERE TO SEE YOU.

UH...

SPEAKING OF ANGUS.

CAN YOU JUST SHOW THEM IN?

ANGUS AND ANGELICA,

THEY'RE JUST ABOUT
TO WALK INTO MY OFFICE.

OH, HOW'S MY BOO, MY LITTLE BOO?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. YOU TELL ME.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU DO EVERYTHING FOR HIM.

I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE

THAT HE'S TREATING
MY SISTER RIGHT.

CAN YOU HOLD ON A SECOND?

HEY...

HEY, MAMA B!

HI, BABYCAKES.

WOW... SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

LOOK HOW IMPRESSIVE SHE LOOKS

IN HER NEW DIGS.

HEY, I GOT KIT ON THE PHONE.

YOU WANT TO TALK TO HER?

OH, UH... NO, I'LL
CALL HER LATER.

UH, KIT, CAN I CALL
YOU RIGHT BACK?

UM, YEAH, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT. GREAT.

SO HOW'S EVERYTHING
WITH MY SISTER?

UH, SHE'S... IT'S GREAT.

THE ALBUM'S REALLY AWESOME,

AND PEOPLE ARE
REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT.

YEAH, AND YOU'RE
REALLY LUCKY TO BE ON IT.

UH...

YES, I AM.

YEAH, I AM.

HOW'S HAZEL?

SHE'S GOOD.

SHE'S, UM...

SHE'S REALLY GOOD
WITH THE KIDS, AND, UM...

MM-HMM.

DO YOU LOVE MY SISTER?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FACT

THAT YOU'RE FUCKING THE
NANNY BEHIND MY SISTER'S BACK.

FUCK OFF. THAT'S
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW, I LOVE
YOUR SISTER VERY MUCH,

AND I MADE A MISTAKE,

AND IF I'M NOT WRONG,

YOU'VE MADE A COUPLE OF THOSE

IN YOUR LIFE, TOO,
SO I DON'T THINK

YOU'RE REALLY IN A POSITION

TO JUDGE ME RIGHT NOW.

DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO
TURN THIS INTO SOME...

OKAY, NO.

ALL RIGHT.

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

[COOING TO BABY]

I WANT TO FIX IT.

OKAY.

SO I'M GOING TO BREAK
IT OFF WITH HAZEL.

I MEAN, THAT'S A GIVEN.

I JUST... I'M NOT SURE...

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER
TO TELL KIT, OR...

WHY, SO YOU CAN BREAK HER HEART
AND DESTROY HER TRUST IN YOU?

[INTERCOM BEEPS]

MISS PHILBIN ON LINE ONE.

SWEETIE, MAMA B'S GOT
TO PUT OUT SOME FIRES,

BUT I LOVE YOU, AND
I WILL SEE YOU LATER.

THANK YOU FOR BRINGING HER BY.

THANKS.

HEY, I LOVE YOU, TOO.

RULE NUMBER ONE...

POKER'S ALL ABOUT DECEPTION.

HELLO?

HEY.

[SIGHS]

UM, SHE LEFT.

STACEY DID?

IT'S ABOUT PRETENDING YOUR
HAND IS BETTER THAN IT IS.

WE WERE ALL SET TO GO
ON THIS ROMANTIC WEEKEND,

AND SHE GOT THIS
LAST-MINUTE JOB OFFER,

AND SHE TOOK IT.

IT'S ABOUT PSYCHING
OUT THE OTHER PLAYER

TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.

WELL, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, YOU FUCKING VAGINA WIG.

THE WHAT?

YOU GOT TO KNOW WHEN TO
BLUFF AND HOW FAR TO PUSH IT.

OH, NOTHING.

IT'S, UH...

IT'S JUST SOMETHING
THAT I CALL MY LITTLE...

BABY NIECE.

WELL, FUCK HER, RIGHT?

FUCK HER.

YEAH.

FUCK HER.

UM, LISTEN, I...

I WAS WONDERING, UM...

YOU KNOW, I'VE STILL
GOT THESE RESERVATIONS,

AND, UH...

IF THERE'S ANY CHANCE
YOU'RE FREE, YOU KNOW...

IT... IT'D BE REALLY SILLY
TO LET THEM GO TO WASTE,

YOU KNOW?

LET ME CHECK MY SCHEDULE.

SECOND RULE...

HEY, MEGAN.

WHAT'S WRONG?

MITCH GAVE BARCLAY
HILL THE PROMOTION.

YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

THAT GUY'S A MORON.

LEAVE EMOTION AT THE DOOR.

A MORON WHO PLAYED
GOLF WITH MITCH

AND WENT TO THE SAME FRATERNITY.

THAT IS SO UNCOOL.

I MEAN, YOU'RE SO
MUCH MORE QUALIFIED

THAN BARCLAY HILL.

PLUS, YOU'VE BEEN HERE
SINCE THE BEGINNING.

YOU'VE GOT TO PLAY
THE HAND YOU'RE DEALT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST I DO?

YOU FUCKIN' SUE HIM.

LISTEN, TO ME, MEGAN.

NOBODY HERE DESERVES
THAT PROMOTION

MORE THAN YOU.

NOBODY.

DON'T GET INVOLVED IN
OTHER PEOPLE'S BULLSHIT.

THAT JUST GETS IN THE WAY.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S
EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.

YOU'RE A MEMBER
OF THE BOYS' CLUB.

A NICE MEMBER,

BUT A MEMBER NONETHELESS.

[SIGHS]

THIRD RULE...

POKER IS NOT FOR, LIKE, THE
WUSSY PLAYER, ALL RIGHT?

SOMETIMES, YOU GOT TO GO ALL IN.

PLACE YOUR BET...

[POWER TOOLS WHIRRING]

THEN COMMIT TO YOUR HAND.

[♪♪]

WHY DO I SCARE YOU?

[SIGHS SHAKILY]

THE MORE I'M AFRAID
OF SOMETHING,

THE MORE I KNOW I HAVE TO DO IT.

I FIGURED THAT OUT
WHEN I WAS A KID.

I CAN LEAD A PROTECTED LIFE,

HIDING AWAY FROM
THE SCARY WORLD,

OR I CAN TAKE ON THE THINGS

THAT SCARE ME THE MOST.

THE MORE IT MIGHT HURT...

THE MORE I MIGHT DIE DOING IT...

THE MORE WORTH DOING IT MUST BE.

I DON'T WANT TO DIE RIGHT NOW.

ME NEITHER.

DO YOU WANT TO TRY IT?

IT'S OKAY.

[SIGHS, SOBBING]

[♪♪]

COME DOWN.

COME UP.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

DON'T WORRY ABOUT GETTING DIRTY.

[GASPS]

[GASPING]

[EXCITED CHATTER]

NICELY DONE.

PUT 'EM IN, PUT 'EM IN.

ARE WE IN?

WHAT ARE WE DOING
HERE? ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

LIKE HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WON?

[LAUGHING]

ALL RIGHT.

PAPI...

WE'RE GOING TO SMOKE.

ALL RIGHT, GIRL.

[SIGHS]

HERE WE GO, AND...

YEAH, I'M READY.

GO.

OH, SHIT!

OH, MAN!

I WANT MY SHIT.
MY GIRL'S A WINNER.

SHE KEEPS THOSE CARDS
CLOSE TO HER CHEST.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU, MAN.

OH!

YOU JUST WAIT IT OUT.

YOU JUST WAIT IT OUT, LADY.

YOU JUST WAIT IT OUT.

THIS IS RENT MONEY.

ARE YOU SHUFFLING
THE CARDS FUNNY?

ALICE...

IT'S THE SEVEN OF SPADES, RIGHT?

[LAUGHING]

OKAY!

READY?

READ IT AND WEEP!

I'M DEALIN', I'M DEALIN'.

OH, SORRY, SORRY.

GET PAPI OFF THE CHIPS.

[LAUGHING]

THAT'S FUNNY. I'LL DO THAT.

THAT'S IT. SHE'S IN.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YEAH, YEAH, SURE OKAY.

AH, SHIT, LITTLE NICKI.

HUH?

OKAY.

OH, YOU ARE SO FUCKED.

I'M GOING TO PUT...

YOU KNOW WHAT?

HEY, MAMA...

I WON! OW!

TAKING IT IN, TAKING IT IN...

[LAUGHING]

WHAT SHOULD I HAVE DONE, THEN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GET THE FUCK OFF OF HER!

FUCK YOU.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

FUCK YOU! OKAY, OKAY...

FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU!

OKAY, OKAY, CALM THE SHIT DOWN!

[ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE]

STOP IT! CHILL OUT!

[SHOUTING ANGRILY IN SPANISH]

GET OFF HER!

HANDLE YOUR BITCHES, MAN!

OH, YOU'RE GOING DOWN, BITCH!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

LADIES!

YOU'RE GOING DOWN, BITCH!

FUCK YOU!

CAN WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

OH, GOD. OH, GOD...

FUCK MY MOTHER!

I AM SO SORRY.

OH, FUCK. SHIT...

OH, IT HURTS.

ARE YOU OKAY?

IT REALLY HURTS.

I'M SORRY AGAIN.

THAT RUBY'S KIND OF PSYCHO.

IT'S OKAY.

OW, OW, OW.

SORRY. OH.

NO, IT'S... IT'S FINE.

I'M ACTUALLY KIND OF EXCITED

TO GET A BLACK EYE.

I THINK IT'LL BE CUTE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

IT'S GOING TO LOOK GOOD.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT A BLACK EYE,

BUT YOU'LL DEFINITELY
HAVE A BAD BRUISE

FOR ABOUT A WEEK.

WELL, SEE, THAT'S NO GOOD.

THAT IS NOT GOING TO LOOK GOOD

FOR THE PREMIERE.

YOU'RE GOING, RIGHT?

ARE YOU GOING?

YEAH, I'M GOING.

AND DON'T WORRY,
YOU'LL STILL BE CUTE.

OH, MY GOD.

IT LOOKS LIKE HE GOT ATTACKED

WITH A LAWNMOWER.

I'M GUESSING A CAR ACCIDENT.

ALL THAT BLOOD
COMING OUT OF HIS NOSE

MEANS HE COULD
HAVE INTERNAL INJURIES.

HE'S DEFINITELY
GETTING IN BEFORE YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU, A PARAMEDIC?

NO.

EXCUSE US, PEOPLE.
COMING THROUGH HERE.

IT'S LIKE FUCKING IRAQ IN HERE.

IT'S NOT FUCKING IRAQ IN HERE.

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IRAQ.

LIKE YOU HAVE?

YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

JUST WHAT I SAID.
I'VE BEEN TO IRAQ.

ARE YOU A JOURNALIST?

NO, I'M IN THE SERVICE.

YOU'RE IN THE ARMY?

NATIONAL GUARD.

WHAT, YOU GOT A
PROBLEM WITH THAT?

NO, I JUST...

I GUESS I NEVER IMAGINED...

OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WHILE I WAS OVER THERE
DEFENDING YOUR COUNTRY,

WHAT WERE YOU OVER HERE DOING?

WHAT, BURNING UP OIL

DRIVING YOUR CAR
TO THE BEAUTY SALON?

UH, LISTEN,

I NEVER ASKED YOU TO GO FIGHT

GEORGE BUSH'S STUPID
FUCKING WAR, OKAY?

IT WAS MY JOB.

I DON'T LIKE BUSH ANY
MORE THAN YOU DO.

IT'S YOUR JOB TO
KILL INNOCENT IRAQIS?

YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S... THAT'S A JOB?

FUCK THIS SHIT.

HEY, TASHA, I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHY I SAID THAT.

I WAS...

I'M SORRY.

PLEASE DON'T GO.

I'M SORRY.

SO, WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR EYE?

WELL, IT HURTS LIKE FUCK.

SORRY.

[CHUCKLING]

PERSONALLY,

I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE IT BEFORE.

YOU DO A GIRL A FAVOR,

AND SHE ENDS UP BITING
THE HAND THAT FEEDS HER?

HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

OH, MEGAN REED MADE A COMPLAINT

AND IS THINKING
ABOUT SUING MITCH

FOR PASSING HER OVER
FOR THE PM PROMOTION.

SHE'S GOING TO SUE HIM?

WELL, SHE HAS BEEN HERE
LONGER THAN BARCLAY

IT'S TOTAL BULLSHIT, OKAY?

SHE DOESN'T HAVE
A LEG TO STAND ON.

DONALD HEARD ME OUT.

HE'S TOTALLY BEHIND ME.

SHE'S A STUPID BITCH.

WHATEVER.

WHATEVER.

LET'S GO, MR. MAN.

YOU HAVE A GREAT TIME.

OKAY.

HEY.

HEY, SHAY.

HI.

JARED'S OUT BACK
WITH OUR NEIGHBORS.

SEE YOU, SHANE.

THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR DOING THIS.

I APPRECIATE IT.

SURE...

AND, UM...

I'M SORRY...

ABOUT THE OTHER DAY.

NO...

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO
MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.

NO, NO, YOU DIDN'T...

IT WAS... IT WAS ME, TOO.

I HAD A PART IN THAT.

I JUST, UH...

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T...

I DON'T WANT TO FUCK
THINGS UP RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW, WITH SHAY...

AND MYSELF...

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
YOU WOULD FUCK THINGS UP?

PAIGE...

I MEAN IT, I THINK YOU
ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN...

OH, NO, NO, NO.

JUST... JUST STOP BEFORE
YOU GET TO THE "BUT."

"YOU'RE A REALLY AMAZING
WOMAN, BUT YOU'RE NOT MY TYPE.

"YOU'RE A REALLY AMAZING WOMAN,

"BUT I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP.

"I'D REALLY LOVE TO FUCK YOU...

BUT I WON'T STAY THE NIGHT."

I PROBABLY WOULDN'T...

AND...

I'M ALSO THE PERSON THAT...

WHEN I GET TOO CLOSE TO
SOMEONE, I PUSH HER AWAY...

AND I DON'T TRUST MYSELF
ENOUGH TO NOT DO THAT TO YOU.

AND I DON'T WANT
TO DO THAT TO YOU,

BECAUSE I... I MEAN IT.

I DO THINK YOU'RE
AN AMAZING WOMAN,

AND I...

I THINK YOU CAN DO A
LOT BETTER THAN ME.

THANKS.

THAT'S A NICE WAY TO PUT IT.

IT'S THE TRUTH.

WELL, UM, THANK YOU AGAIN.

HAVE A GOOD TIME.

YEAH.

UM, I'LL CALL YOU
IN A LITTLE BIT

AND CHECK IN AND SEE
HOW THE KIDS ARE DOING.

GO.

HEY...

UM...

WITH EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON

IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW...

IF YOU NEED A FRIEND,

I'M UP FOR THAT.

I WOULD LOVE THAT.

[ENGINE TURNS OVER]

WELL, CHECK AGAIN!

AM I SPEAKING ANOTHER LANGUAGE?

STACEY MERKIN.

M-E-R-K-I-N.

JUST CHECK UNDER C MAGAZINE.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

HI.

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
INTERVIEWING SHANE MCCUTCHEON.

I'M STACEY MERKIN
FROM C MAGAZINE.

C MAGAZINE'S ALREADY
INSIDE IN THE GREEN ROOM.

WHO BOOKED YOU?

SOPHIA MANCUSO.

I DON'T KNOW ANY SOPHIA MANCUSO,

AND I KNOW EVERYBODY.

WE CAN'T HELP YOU.

FUCKIN' ASSHOLE.

HEY, MAX.

HEY.

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU
WANTED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT?

I'M HERE TO BACK UP MEGAN REED.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT
MITCH DOESN'T SUPPORT WOMEN

AND THAT HE ROUTINELY
DISCRIMINATES

AGAINST FEMALE EMPLOYEES.

WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

WHAT EVIDENCE ARE YOU OFFERING

TO SUBSTANTIATE
MEGAN'S ACCUSATION?

BECAUSE HE DID IT TO ME.

[♪♪]

[CAMERAS CLICKING]

[ONLOOKERS SHOUTING
AND CHEERING]

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

WOW...

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

"YOU'RE LOOKING
VERY SHANE TODAY"?

FUCK IF I KNOW.

LET'S GO ON IN.

OH, COME WITH ME.

OH, SORRY, YOU
HAVE TO STAY HERE.

THEY'RE GOING TO COME IN.

OH, REALLY?

THAT IS SO RUDE.

[CAMERAS CLICKING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

THIS IS CRAZY.

THIS SUCKS.

OKAY, ENOUGH.

DO YOU WANT TO GO IN?

LET'S GO ON IN.

SHANE!

SHANE, HI.

IT'S STACEY MERKIN. I WAS
SUPPOSED TO INTERVIEW YOU.

ARE YOU THE VAGINA WIG?

NO, I...

ALL RIGHT, TIME TO GO, MA'AM.

HI!

THE CHART.

YEAH, ALICE. YOU KNOW...

YOU KNOW...

DRESS.

IT'S A PRETTY...

SORRY.

DEBBIE...

DO YOU THINK IT'S TERRIBLE,

THE TWO OF US BEING
HERE ALONE TOGETHER?

NO, I DON'T THINK IT'S TERRIBLE.

I THINK THAT SHE WAS THE
ONE THAT STOOD YOU UP,

AND YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG.

THING IS, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
COMPLETELY BROKEN-HEARTED

BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T CARE
ENOUGH ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP

TO TURN DOWN A STUPID INTERVIEW

WITH SOME NO-NAME CELEBRITY,

AND THE TRUTH IS, I ACTUALLY...

IN A VERY BEAUTIFUL
PLACE WITH YOU,

AND...

AND THERE'S A FIRE,
AND GOOD WINE, AND...

I THINK THE REASON
WHY I FEEL GUILTY

IS THAT I REALLY
WANT TO KISS YOU.

YOU DO?

A LOT.

SO KISS ME.

I...

[SIGHING]

[GIGGLING]

OH, I CAN'T.

[EXHALES]

I'M SORRY. I...

OKAY.

I REALLY WANT YOU...

BUT I THINK THAT, UH...

I FEEL TERRIBLE, BUT I JUST...

I CAN'T CHEAT ON
STACEY LIKE THIS.

I'VE GOT TO, UM...

I'LL TALK TO HER,

AND I'LL TELL HER
THAT IT'S JUST...

OVER, AND THEN I'LL...

I OWE HER THAT.

I AM SO CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

YOU ARE?

OH, FUCK.

UM...

I HAVE TO, UH...

I HAVE TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

WHAT?

UH...

OKAY.

I'VE BEEN LYING TO YOU,

AND I'VE DONE SOMETHING
THAT'S VERY DISHONEST,

AND I'M VERY, VERY, VERY SORRY.

I HOPE THAT...

IF YOU CAN LET ME EXPLAIN
ALL THE CRAZY REASONS

WHY I'VE DONE THIS, THAT...

IT WON'T BE TOO LATE FOR US.

OH...

UM, THERE'S NO SUCH
THING AS "TOO LATE."

I REALLY BELIEVE THAT.

TRULY.

JUST TELL ME.

JUST TALK TO ME.

WHATEVER YOU'VE
DONE... I AM SO SORRY.

WHAT, HONEY? I CAN...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YEAH?

LINDSEY?

LINDSEY, ARE YOU IN THERE?

LINDSEY?

WHERE'S MY SHIRT?

LINDSEY?

FLOOR.

IT'S OKAY, HONEY, I JUST...

I'M GETTING OUT OF THE SHOWER.

THERE'S WATER EVERYWHERE.

SWEETIE, I AM SO SORRY.

I'LL BE THERE IN TWO SECONDS.

WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING HERE?

IT WAS SUCH A STUPID MISTAKE.

I DIDN'T MEAN... IT'S OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, MY GOD. I AM SO SORRY.

YOU'RE CRAZY.

I...

UH...

SCHECTER.

HELLO, MERKIN.

STACEY, THIS IS MY FRIEND

I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.

THIS IS DEBBIE OXNARD.

NO.

THIS IS JENNIFER
FUCKING SCHECTER.

THE LUNATIC WHOSE
BOOK I REVIEWED.

WHAT?

[CLEARS THROAT]

THAT'S ACTUALLY
WHAT I WAS ABOUT TO...

EXPLAIN.

WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY SAY?

I DON'T KNOW.

THIS IS GOING TO SOUND SO...

I THOUGHT THAT IF I COULD
PROVE THAT YOU WEREN'T A SAINT...

AND I THOUGHT THAT
IF I COULD MAKE YOU...

SLEEP WITH ME,

THAT IT WOULD PROVE THAT
ALL THOSE REALLY HORRIBLE,

MEAN THINGS

THAT STACEY SAID ABOUT ME,

AND MY EXPERIENCES,
AND THE WAY I TURNED OUT,

WOULDN'T BE TRUE.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I THOUGHT THAT IF
I COULD MAKE YOU

INTO A LIAR AND A CHEAT

LIKE ME...

BUT YOU KNOW, THE THING IS,

YOU'RE NOT.

I MEAN, YOU'RE RIGHT
ABOUT THAT, STACEY.

YOU'RE A SAINT.

I'M SO SORRY.

YOU'RE NOT...

YOU'RE NOT A STUDENT.

[INHALES]

NO.

FUCKING MANATEES.

THE MANATEES WERE
A LITTLE BIT TRUE,

BECAUSE I-I DID WRITE A STORY

ABOUT...

SOUNDER.

THAT'S NOT MY DOG.

I ADOPTED HIM FROM A RESCUE.

[SOBS]

DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER?

NO. NO.

I GOT TO...

[STAMMERING]

UM...

I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?

FUCK...

HOW COULD ANYBODY
DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

I KNOW. IT'S CRAZY.

JUST STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM US.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

UGH, THAT MOVIE BIT ASS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I NEED A NEW HAIRCUT,

AND I HAVE TO STOP WEARING TIES.

BUT IT WAS AN AMAZING FLOP,

BUT THEN WHEN
SHE HAD THE RIVER...

GOD, THAT WAS A HAND.

HEY...

WOW, YOU LOOK, UH...

VERY SHANE TODAY?

FUCK YOU.

FUCK EVERYONE. LET'S PLAY POKER.

SHANE...

YES.

THERE'S SOMEBODY I
THINK YOU SHOULD MEET.

OKAY.

GREAT.

SASKIA...

I WOULD LIKE TO
INTRODUCE YOU TO SHANE.

I'VE BEEN TOLD I'M
LOOKING VERY SHANE TODAY.

WELL, I WILL CONSIDER
THAT A COMPLIMENT.

THANK YOU.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

OH...

SHIT, UM...

I NEED TO TAKE THIS.

THANKS, BURT.

UM, SO IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.

HELLO?

HEY...

OH, I'M...

REALLY SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

I JUST THOUGHT I'D
GET YOUR VOICEMAIL.

UM...

SHAY WOKE UP FROM A BAD DREAM.

CAN I TALK TO HIM?

THERE YOU GO.

HELLO?

HEY, LITTLE MAN.

I HEAR YOU HAD A BAD DREAM.

YEAH.

WANT ME TO COME AND GET YOU?

NO, I'M OKAY.

YOU SURE?

CAN I GO BACK TO BED NOW?

YEAH, IF YOU WANT. GO AHEAD.

YEAH, HE'S GOING
TO GO BACK TO BED.

HE JUST NEEDED
TO HEAR YOUR VOICE.

SHOULD I, UM, COME AND GET HIM?

I MEAN, I CAN TRY
TO... NO, DON'T WORRY.

HE'S FINE.

YOU JUST HAVE A GOOD TIME, OKAY?

OKAY.

BYE. BYE.

WE WERE TOGETHER FOR FIVE YEARS

IN NEW YORK.

SHE WAS HOT,

BUT HER CAREER STOPPED,
AND MINE TOOK OFF.

SO WHY DID IT END?

I GOT FAMOUS,

AND SHE WANTED TO BE THE STAR.

TINA AND I...

UH...

TINA, AND I WERE
TOGETHER FOR EIGHT...

EIGHT.

EIGHT, EIGHT.

EIGHT. EIGHT, EIGHT, EIGHT.

EIGHT YEARS...

BUT THEN...

THEN A LOT CHANGED
AFTER SHE HAD THE BABY.

SO MUCH CHANGED...

WHOA, WHOA. TINA HAD A BABY?

OH, NO, WE...

WE HAD A BABY.

ME AND TINA.

YOU AND TINA TOGETHER?

YES, UH...

A TODDLER.

SHE'S LITTLE.

ANGELICA.

SHE'S ALMOST TWO.

[STAMMERS]

ANGELICA...

ANGELICA.

ANGELICA.

MM-HMM.

THAT'S PRETTY.

THANK YOU.

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

I DON'T LIKE KIDS.

WHAT?

I DON'T LIKE KIDS.

WOW.

[LAUGHS]

WOW.

I'M SORRY.

I DON'T.

THEY NEED TOO MUCH ATTENTION.

THEY GET IN THE WAY OF WORK,

OF SEX...

THEY'RE A HASSLE.

CAN I GET YOU LADIES
ANYTHING ELSE?

NO, JUST THE CHECK, THANKS.

THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE I LOVE HER.

IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW,

I THINK SHE'S JUST USED
TO HAVING HOUSEKEEPERS

AND PEOPLE LOOKING AFTER, LIKE,

EVERYTHING, AND...

YEAH, NO, I GET THAT.

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH
YOU AND PAPI, THOUGH?

OH, UM...

I, UH...

I WAS AT CAL STATE, LONG BEACH,

AND I'D JUST COME OUT.

AND I WENT TO THE PALMS.

[CHUCKLING]

YEAH...

AND OF COURSE,

PAPI TRIED TO PICK ME UP.

YEAH.

SO WE HOOKED UP FOR ONE NIGHT,

AND, UM...

THAT SHIT WAS TERRIBLE.

OH, REALLY?

YOU HAD BAD SEX WITH PAPI?

OH, YEAH.

THERE WAS, LIKE, NO CHEMISTRY.

OH...

YEAH.

I MEAN, SHE'S NOT MY TYPE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A TYPE.

I JUST LIKE GIRLS WHO ARE GIRLS.

IT'S ALL GOOD, THOUGH,

'CAUSE ME AND PAPI, WE
BECAME BEST FRIENDS.

SHE'S THE BEST FRIEND
ANYBODY COULD HAVE.

YEAH, YEAH. THAT'S FOR SURE.

SHE'S GOT YOUR BACK.

YEAH. DEFINITELY.

SO YOU LIKE GIRLY GIRLS, HUH?

[LAUGHS]

YEAH.

YOU LIKE MY DRESS?

ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME?

IT'S PRETTY, RIGHT?

IT'S PINK.

FEMININE.

[LAUGHS]

YEAH, IT'S CUTE.

YEAH. THOUGHT YOU LIKED IT.

[LAUGHS]

YOU WERE TOUCHING
MY RIGHT NIPPLE,

AND I WAS...

[LAUGHING]

OH, EXCUSE ME.

YEAH.

IS THAT YOUR FRIEND
IN THE POSTER?

YES.

WE WERE JUST WONDERING

IF YOU COULD SETTLE
A LITTLE WAGER FOR US.

SURE.

UH, DOES SHE PREFER TO
SLEEP WITH BOYS OR GIRLS?

[WHISPERING]: BOYS...

ACTUALLY, SHE PLAYS
ON THE ALL-GIRLS TEAM.

OH, DAMN IT.

CATHERINE ROTHBERG.

OH, HI.

I HATE TO TAKE
YOUR MONEY, MILES.

IT'S JUST WAY TOO EASY.

MM-HMM. MILES DOUL.

HE'S CANADIAN.

HELENA PEABODY.

IT'S A PLEASURE.

OOH, DOUBLE OR NOTHING...
GUESS THAT ACCENT.

AUSTRALIAN.

NO. MIDDLESEX.

LONDON.

SUSSEX.

AH... AH...

I HAVE A HOUSE NEAR MIDHURST.

IT'S BIG, IT'S OLD, IT'S
FREEZING IN THE WINTER,

AND I HATE IT.

OH, I'M SORRY.

SO, WHAT'S YOUR STORY?

HUNDRED BUCKS SAYS

SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND
WHO'S AN ARCHITECT.

NO, NO, MOVIE
PRODUCER, DEFINITELY.

WOW, DO YOU JUST
BET ON EVERYTHING?

EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.

SO, WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

CURRENTLY SINGLE,

BUT A LIFELONG PLAYER
ON SHANE'S TEAM.

WOW... HMM...

I HATE TO LOSE.

[WHISPERING]

UH, WE WERE JUST ON OUR WAY

TO MY PRIVATE POKER GAME,

AND WE'RE WONDERING
IF YOU'D LIKE TO JOIN US.

I'D... I'D LOVE TO COME.

I'VE HEARD IT'S A GREAT GAME.

WELL, I HAVE TO WARN YOU,

IT'S NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART.

I'M FEELING LUCKY TONIGHT.

[LOCK CLICKS]

HEY...

UH, SHE WENT DOWN AROUND 9:00.

HOW WAS YOUR DATE?

SUCKED.

OH.

SORRY.

GOOD NIGHT.

I...

I DID IT, BY THE WAY.

I BROKE IT OFF WITH HAZEL.

GOOD.

[♪♪]

♪ THEY CALL YOU LADY LUCK ♪

♪ BUT THERE IS ROOM FOR DOUBT ♪

♪ AT TIMES YOU HAVE A
VERY UNLADYLIKE WAY ♪

♪ OF RUNNING OUT ♪

I ASKED THEM TO CHANGE
OVER THE THEATER.

♪ LUCK BE A LADY TONIGHT ♪

NICE TO SEE YOU.

LOOK AT HER DRESS.

♪ LUCK BE A LADY TONIGHT ♪

HAVE A SEAT.

THANK YOU.

HI.

PLEASE SIGN HERE, MS. PEABODY.

OH.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE NOT PLAYING?

HELL NO...

AND TAKE IT EASY, OKAY?

I FORGOT TO TELL
YOU THE LAST RULE.

MM-HMM?

HOUSE ALWAYS WINS.

LET'S DO THIS.

LET'S DO IT.

♪ A LADY NEVER
LEAVES HER ESCORT ♪

♪ IT ISN'T FAIR ♪

HEY...

♪ IT ISN'T NICE ♪

YOU LEFT THE PARTY?

YEAH, YOU, UH...

WELL, YOU DIDN'T MISS MUCH.

I MADE MY
GRANDMOTHER'S MEATLOAF.

SOUNDS GOOD.

I DON'T THINK I'VE ACTUALLY
EATEN ANYTHING TONIGHT.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MEATLOAF?

LET'S SEE 'EM.

♪ STICK WITH ME, BABY ♪

♪ I'M THE GUY THAT
YOU CAME IN WITH ♪

♪ LUCK BE A LADY TONIGHT ♪

HAVE IT.

[LAUGHING SOFTLY]

AH, YOU KNOW, I JUST NEED TO...

TAKE THINGS KIND OF SLOW.

YOU KNOW?

OKAY.

SLOW'S GOOD. I LIKE SLOW.

I CAN DO SLOW, SO...

PHYLLIS?

ALICE! I TOLD LEONARD ABOUT US.

I TOLD HIM I WANTED A DIVORCE.

♪ LUCK BE A LADY WITH ME ♪

I DON'T DO DRAMA.

OBVIOUSLY THERE'S SOME THINGS

YOU NEED TO WORK OUT.

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

HI.

I'M SORRY.

CAN WE TRY AGAIN?

COME IN.

♪ COME ON, LET'S KEEP
THIS PARTY POLITE ♪

I'M ALL IN.

I CALL.

I'LL TAKE YOUR 50,000.

$50,000?

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
YOU SIGNED UP FOR.

I HAD... NO IDEA IT
WAS QUITE THAT MUCH.

WELL, IT'S TOO LATE NOW.

LET'S SEE YOUR CARDS.

AS YOU AMERICANS LIKE TO SAY...

"READ THEM...

AND WEEP."

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪ LUCK BE A LADY TONIGHT ♪

OH, MY GOD.

CATHERINE,

I-I HAVEN'T BEEN
ENTIRELY FORTHCOMING

ABOUT MY FINANCIAL SITUATION.

I MEAN...

IT'S A LITTLE
EMBARRASSING, ACTUALLY,

BUT MY MOTHER AND I,

WE HAD THIS SLIGHT DISAGREEMENT,

AND I CAN'T, FOR THE TIME BEING,

GET MY HANDS ON
THE FAMILY HOLDING.

I...

I CAN'T PAY MY DEBT, CATHERINE.

I KNOW.

I HAD LUNCH WITH YOUR MOTHER

TWO WEEKS AGO IN MONACO.

LOOK, THIS IS THE KEY
TO MY PRESIDENTIAL SUITE.

MEET ME WEDNESDAY NIGHT AT 8:00.

LOOK, I'M SORRY TO HEAR

ABOUT YOUR FINANCIAL PROBLEMS,

BUT DON'T WORRY.

THERE'S MORE THAN ONE
WAY TO PAY OFF A DEBT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE
LISTENED TO YOUR FRIEND.

EVERYBODY KNOWS
THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS.

[♪♪]

YEAH.