The L Word (2004–2009): Season 4, Episode 5 - Lez Girls - full transcript

PREVIOUSLY ON THE L WORD...

BACK TO SCHOOL NIGHT.

I'M PAIGE SOBEL.

I'M HERE FOR MY
LITTLE BROTHER, SHAY.

SO YOU'RE MY
COMPETITION, VANILLA?

I WILL STILL KICK
YOUR MICRO ASS.

SINCE YOU DON'T
HAVE ANY INSURANCE,

WE'LL BE BILLING YOU FOR
THE CHARGES DIRECTLY.

WHERE WILL I COME
UP WITH THAT MONEY?

I'M DESPERATE TO FIND A CATERER.

FOR NEXT WEEK'S FUNDRAISER.



HELENA IS A CATERER. I AM?

ARE YOU FREE FRIDAY, HELENA?

YEAH.

I CANNOT BELIEVE
YOU FUCKED MY BOSS.

I WON'T LET THIS
GET OUT OF HAND.

MAY I INTRODUCE YOU

TO OUR ESTEEMED
ARTIST-IN-RESIDENCE,

JODI LERNER.

THIS IS HER
ASSISTANT, TOM MATER.

IF YOU WANT TO SAY
SOMETHING, TALK TO ME, NOT TOM.

I ONLY CHOOSE BOOKS TO REVIEW

THAT HOLD SIGNIFICANCE TO ME.

WHY DOES "SOME OF HER PARTS"
HOLD SIGNIFICANCE TO YOU?

MY PARTNER'S A SURVIVOR.



"SELF-INDULGENT
AND SELF-PITYING?

FUCK YOU, STACEY MERKIN!

IS THIS SOUNDER? I'LL TAKE HER.

HOW LONG HAVE
YOU HAD HER, DEBBIE?

ABOUT 11 YEARS,

MY LONGEST RELATIONSHIP.

THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND,
STACEY. SHE'S A JOURNALIST.

I'D LOVE TO GET
LESSONS FROM YOU.

I'M PROBABLY PRETTY RUSTY.

I'M NOT.

I'VE BEEN LIVING AS A MAN.

SOON, I'M PHYSICALLY
GOING TO BE ONE.

I DON'T DATE FREAKS.

YOU FUCKING FREAK!

♪ GIRLS IN TIGHT DRESSES
WHO DRAG WITH MUSTACHES ♪

♪ CHICKS DRIVING FAST
INGENUES WITH LONG LASHES ♪

♪ WOMEN WHO LONG, LOVE,
LUST WOMEN WHO GIVE ♪

♪ THIS IS THE WAY IT'S
THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ TALKING, LAUGHING
LOVING, BREATHING ♪

♪ FIGHTING, FUCKING
CRYING, DRINKING ♪

♪ WRITING, WINNING
LOSING, CHEATING ♪

♪ KISSING, THINKING, DREAMING ♪

♪ THIS IS THE WAY... ♪

♪ IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ AND LOVE ♪

HELLO, ANGUS.

HI.

HI, SWEETHEART.

SHE IS IN A REALLY CRAPPY MOOD.

YES. COME HERE, GORGEOUS.

YOU WANT TO SEE MIKEY?

LET'S GO PLAY WITH MIKEY.

YES, COME.

HEY, ANGELICA, DO YOU
WANT TO COME PLAY?

GO GET HIM, TIGER.

THERE YOU GO.

IS TINA NOT HERE?

TINA AND HENRY
DECIDED LAST MINUTE

ON GOING TO THE THEATER.

WE'VE GOT SOME PIZZA IN HERE.

YOU WANT TO JOIN US?

OH, NO, I'VE GOT TO GET HOME.

I HAD A REALLY SUCKY DAY.

WHAT WAS SUCKY OF IT?

UH, IT'S JUST CRAP.

IT'S JUST...

FIGHTING WITH MY
FORMER BEST FRIENDS

ABOUT WHO OWNS THE PUBLISHING
TO SONGS I TOTALLY WROTE,

BUT GENEROUSLY
GAVE THEM CREDIT ON.

THAT KIND OF SUCK.

I'M SORRY THAT WAS
MAKING YOU CRABBY.

I, UM...

WAS HOPING YOU TO GIVE
ME LESSON PLAYING GUITAR,

BUT...

YEAH, YOU COME BY
THE STUDIO SOME TIME,

I'LL GIVE YOU SOME POINTERS

ON YOUR TECHNIQUE.

MIGHT HAVE TO
TAKE YOU UP ON THAT.

THEN WHEN WE'RE FINISHED,

I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO CLEAN UP.

HELLO, TOM.

DEAN.

HEY, DEAN PORTER.

I'M GLAD TO SEE TOM

IS GETTING TO KNOW
SOME OF THE STUDENTS.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

ARE YOU STILL
SLEEPING WITH NADIA?

EXCUSE ME?

SHE SAID, "ARE YOU
STILL FUCKING NADIA?"

THANK YOU, I GOT THE GIST OF IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

JUST A FRIENDLY QUESTION.

OUT OF CURIOSITY,

MAYBE A LITTLE CONCERN.

I MEAN, NADIA'S NOT A
POKER FACE, YOU KNOW.

WELL, DON'T BELIEVE
EVERYTHING YOU HEAR.

WELL, I SEE A LOT
MORE THAN I HEAR.

I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T...

I FELL INTO THAT ONE.

WELL, I MADE A FEW MISTAKES
WHEN I TAUGHT AT COLUMBIA,

BUT, YOU KNOW,
FOLLOWING THE RULES

IS NOT ALWAYS MY THING.

UM...

EXCUSE ME?

BRITTANY, GIRL,
WAS BIG, BIG MISTAKE.

BRITTANY?

I SEE.

SHE WAS A COLUMBIA
GRADUATE STUDENT,

AND I MADE A MISTAKE WITH HER.

MM-HMM.

SHE TURNED HER SENIOR THESIS

INTO A LIFE-SIZE SCULPTURE

OF ME, NAKED.

IT WAS PRETTY GOOD...

BUT SHE SHOULD HAVE
MADE MY BREASTS BIGGER.

WELL, I'M GLAD TO HEAR

THERE WEREN'T ANY MORE
SERIOUS REPERCUSSIONS,

AND I WILL TRY TO BE
MORE CAREFUL THAN YOU.

NO, DON'T BE TOO CAREFUL.

THAT'S DREARY.

THANK YOU FOR THE ADVICE.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

YEAH, THE E.V.C.'S MONEY MOOCH.

YOU KNOW, THE FUNDRAISER

AT THE CHANCELLOR'S RESIDENCE?

RIGHT.

OH, SOUNDER...

DEBBIE, I DID

EVERYTHING I COULD FOR HER,

BUT SHE'S NOT EATING,

SHE HAS KIDNEY FAILURE,

AND SHE'S IN A LOT OF PAIN.

THIS IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

ARE YOU SURE?

I'M SURE.

ARE YOU SURE HE HAS TO DIE?

IT'S HER TIME TO GO, DEBBIE.

OKAY...

OKAY?

OKAY.

THAT'S A GIRL.

THAT'S A GIRL...

OKAY.

THERE YOU GO.

YOU GAVE HER A WONDERFUL LIFE,

DEBBIE.

NO, I DIDN'T.

YES, YOU DID.

NO, I DIDN'T.

HEY, LISTEN, WHY
DON'T YOU, UH...

WOULD YOU LET ME
TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER?

WE'LL... WE'LL
CELEBRATE SOUNDER.

WE'LL HAVE A DRINK
IN HER HONOR, HUH?

OKAY.

EAT...

ALL...

DEAD...

GOPHERS...

BEFORE...

EASTER.

THAT'S HOW I REMEMBER IT.

THAT'S FUNNY.

AND GROSS.

YEAH.

OKAY, SO YOU GOT THE A,

AND THE E, AND THE D CHORD DOWN,

SO NOW, YOU JUST GOT
TO WORK ON YOUR STRUM.

THAT'S THE ONE THING I
CANNOT SEEM TO MASTER.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S, UH...

YOU JUST WANT TO KEEP YOUR WRIST

SORT OF LOOSE

AND, UH, RELAXED, AND, UM...

YOU JUST, YOU WANT TO KEEP

THIS UP AND DOWN MOVEMENT GOING

NO MATTER WHAT.

I DON'T USUALLY HAVE A PROBLEM

KEEPING MY UP AND DOWN MOVEMENT.

UH, SO, UH...

YEAH, YOU KEEP
THE, UH, WRIST LOOSE,

AND UP AND DOWN,

AND THEN YOU JUST
STRIKE THE STRINGS

WITH THE RHYTHM YOU WANT.

DOWN, DOWN, UP. DOWN, DOWN, UP.

DOWN, DOWN, UP...

IT'S GOOD, KIT.

YEAH?

MM-HMM.

REALLY? MM-HMM.

I HAVEN'T PLAYED
IT FOR ANGUS YET.

HE'S BEEN SO DOWN
ON HIMSELF LATELY.

WELL, IT'S GOOD.

IT COULD CHEER HIM UP.

I'M HOPING.

CAN I LISTEN?

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S A LITTLE TOO NASTY
FOR YOU, NOW, UH-UH.

NO, NO.

STOP THIS, TOO.

IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

WHAT'S UP, BEAUTIFUL?

AH, HOLA, PAPI.

YO, VANILLA.

YO, POPS.

WE NEVER FINISHED OUR GAME.

UH, YEAH, I KNOW.

I'M NOT MUCH OF A
BASKETBALL PLAYER.

WELL, NO SHIT,

BUT WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING,

BECAUSE THIS LITTLE
PROBLEMA IS UNRESOLVED.

LOOK, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU,

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

OH, REALLY?

ALL RIGHT, SO THEN
LET ME BREAK THIS DOWN

FOR YOU, OKAY?

NOW THAT YOU'RE
IN MY SOLAR SYSTEM,

I CAN'T HAVE YOU DIMMING
MY STARS AND SHIT.

YOU MUST BE KIDDING.

YEAH, SERIOUSLY,
THAT'S ALICE'S THING.

IT'S NOT ME.

FUCK, MAN, I'M JUST
FUCKING WITH YOU.

LIKE THE FOXY LADY SAID,

I'M JUST KIDDING.

ALL RIGHT.

WE GOOD, THEN?

SURE.

COME ON, WE GOOD?

YEAH.

UGH!

I COULDN'T BELIEVE THAT GUY.

I THOUGHT HE'D NEVER
STOP HITTING ON US!

THAT'S TYPICAL OF A GUY.

SEES TWO WOMEN TOGETHER,
THINKS HE'S SO NEEDED.

I JUST WANT TO CHECK ON...

HE WOULD BE SO TOTALLY WRONG,

BECAUSE WE HAVE EVERYTHING

ANYONE COULD EVER
WANT JUST BEING TOGETHER.

I JUST WANT TO CHECK ON HELENA

REALLY QUICK BECAUSE...

NO!

NO, SHE'S BEEN COOKING ALL
DAY, AND I JUST, YOU KNOW...

HEY!

NO, NO...

HEY!

WOW, IT SMELLS
REALLY GOOD IN HERE.

WELL, THERE'S FIVE
KINDS OF CROSTINI,

THREE PER PERSON,

ALL READY FOR ASSEMBLY.

HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

OH, IT'S... IT'S VERY GOOD.

I'M SURE IT'LL BE WONDERFUL.

WE HAVE QUICHE WITH LEEK, BACON

AND PORTOBELLO MUSHROOM.

WE HAVE BELGIAN
ENDIVE WITH STILTON,

TOASTED WALNUTS,

AND PORT JELLY.

WE HAVE CHICKEN SATAY

WITH TAMARIND SAUCE...

AND IT'S ALL GOING TO BE READY

FOR YOUR PARTY TOMORROW EVENING,

DESPITE THE FACT

THAT MY ASSISTANT
HAS BEEN INCAPACITATED

BY A BAD OYSTER.

DO YOU NEED, UM...
DO YOU NEED HELP?

NO, NO, IT'S ALL GOOD.

I'VE GOT IT ALL UNDER CONTROL.

REALLY?

BECAUSE I'M A GOOD
CHOPPER. I COULD CHOP...

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE CAN HANDLE IT.

COME ON, HONEY. REALLY?

COME ON.

HAVE FUN, GIRLS.

WOW.

WOW...

WHOO! COOL YOUR
JETS, THERE, PHYLLIS.

DON'T YOU WANT TO TAKE
A SHOWER OR SOMETHING?

WHY? DO I NEED ONE?

NO.

OOH, I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

WHAT?

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

YOU SLY LITTLE DOG.

HOW'D YOU GET THAT IN HERE?

OOH, WHAT IS IT?

WELL, IT DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE A DIAMOND NECKLACE.

THAT'S VERY DISAPPOINTING.

IS IT A MOTORCYCLE?

OH!

WOW, THE WHOLE
LESBIAN SEX BOOK, HUH?

IS IT A FAUX PAS?

NO...

NO.

I WAS THINKING, YOU KNOW,

WE'RE HAVING SUCH
A WONDERFUL TIME,

AND JUST TO TRY
TO KEEP EVERYTHING

JUST FRESH AND EXCITING,

MAYBE WE COULD EXPERIMENT?

RIGHT.

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

LIKE, UH...

LET'S SEE.

OH.

ANALINGUS.

YEAH?

SURE.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SORRY.

YES.

YES! LET'S EXPERIMENT.

COME ON, PHYLLIS, TOTALLY.

I WANT TO DO EVERY SINGLE THING

DESCRIBED IN THAT BOOK.

OKAY.

EVERY SINGLE THING.

EVERYTHING.

EVERY SINGLE THING.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GOING
TO WEAR ME OUT, WOMAN.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

I'M GOING TO NEED, LIKE
A LITTLE PINCH-HITTER.

RIGHT?

NO, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I NEED.

REALLY?

I MEAN, YOU DON'T
LIMIT YOURSELF.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THERE'S, LIKE, A LOT

OF REALLY FABULOUS
WOMEN OUT THERE, PHYLLIS.

WHY DO I NEED ANOTHER
FABULOUS WOMAN?

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE A NEW STAR.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE
VERY SICK OF STAYING

IN THIS TINY LITTLE ORBIT.

OH, YOU AND YOUR CHARTS
AND YOUR SOLAR SYSTEMS.

ALICE, YOU AND I
ARE BINARY STARS.

RIGHT.

ORBITING A CENTRAL
SYSTEM OF MASS,

BOUND BY GRAVITY.

OKAY.

YOU'RE...

YOU ARE WILD, PHYLLIS!

OH, DO IT AGAIN,
DO IT AGAIN. OH!

THE THING THAT I WAS
CLOSEST IN THE WORLD TO

WHEN I WAS A CHILD,

WAS THIS LITTLE
CREATURE NAMED BOOTSIE,

WHO WAS THE MOST
TRUSTWORTHY SOUL

THAT I KNEW WHEN I WAS A CHILD.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, DEBBIE.

THAT'S WHY I BECAME A VET.

WHY?

BECAUSE YOU DON'T TRUST PEOPLE?

WELL, I DIDN'T,

NOT FOR A LONG TIME, AFTER I...

AFTER WHAT?

UM...

DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO YOU?

I'D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT.

I DON'T THINK IT'S REALLY FAIR

TO FORCE PEOPLE
TO EXPRESS SYMPATHY

FOR SOMETHING BAD

THAT'S HAPPENED TO
YOU IN YOUR CHILDHOOD.

OH, PLEASE.

I'M SO SORRY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

OWN THE SHIT THAT
HAPPENS TO YOU AS A CHILD,

'CAUSE IT CAN MAKE
YOU BETTER AS AN ADULT.

YEAH, BUT I CAN'T,

BECAUSE THEN MAYBE
I'D FEEL VULNERABLE,

AND THEN I'D...

YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE KIND OF SEXY.

OH, GOD...

GOD, AND YOU HAVE NICE TITS...

AND YOU'RE SWEATING
UNDER YOUR ARMS,

AND YOU'RE NERVOUS,
AND I WANT TO KISS YOU.

I FEEL LIKE KISSING YOU...

BUT I... CAN'T.

WHY?

BECAUSE I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

ALTHOUGH WE'RE KIND OF
HAVING PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW...

OH, I'M SO SORRY.

YEAH, I BET YOU ARE.

WHY ARE YOU HAVING PROBLEMS?

I DON'T KNOW.

SHE'S JUST A WORKAHOLIC.

STACEY'S A JOURNALIST, YOU KNOW,

AND WHEN SHE'S WRITING,
SHE'S JUST TOTALLY...

EW, SHE'S A WRITER? YEAH.

UGH.

WELL, SHE... WHAT?

SHE JUST...

SHE GETS TOTALLY
FOCUSED IN HER WORK,

AND THEN SHE'S, LIKE, OBSESSIVE

AND SELF-ABSORBED...

OH, MY GOD.

I JUST HAD THIS IMAGE
IN MY MIND OF HER,

THAT SHE JUST BECOMES
THIS FUCKING CUNT...

THAT JUST CHURNS
OUT PAGE AFTER PAGE

OF UTTER SHIT

THAT SHE THINKS IS
WORTH ALL THE EGO

AND MANIACAL BEHAVIOR.

SHE IS A GOOD PERSON,

AND SHE IS SMART,
AND SHE'S FUNNY,

AND SHE'S JUST A LITTLE
INSECURE, THAT'S ALL...

WHERE DOES SHE LIVE?

IN VAN NUYS?

SHE LIVES IN BURBANK.

WE HAVE AN ARRANGEMENT, RIGHT?

LIKE, SHE'S SUPPOSED TO
COME UP EVERY OTHER WEEKEND,

I'M SUPPOSED TO GO DOWN
EVERY OTHER WEEKEND,

AND IT HARDLY EVER HAPPENS.

SHE HASN'T BEEN HERE
FOR OVER A MONTH.

I GO DOWN TO L.A. ALL THE TIME.

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

YOU SHOULD BE WITH SOMEBODY

THAT PUTS YOU FIRST

AND WHO TREATS
YOU LIKE A PRINCESS.

SHE'S...

SHE'S DRIVEN, AND
SHE'S TALENTED, AND...

I FEEL HONORED TO SUPPORT THAT.

I DO.

YOU SEEM LIKE YOU LOVE HER.

I LOVE HER, AND...

YEAH, SOMETIMES IT FEELS

LIKE I'M THE LAST
THING ON HER LIST, YEAH.

RIGHT.

SHE'S COMING UP TOMORROW.

WE'LL SEE HOW IT IS.

GOOD.

THAT'S VERY GOOD.

MAKE HER COME UP HERE MORE.

MAKE HER WORK FOR YOU.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT
SOMETHING ELSE, PLEASE?

OKAY.

LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING THIS WEEKEND?

WELL...

WELL, I'VE BEEN
TERRIBLY DISTRAUGHT

ABOUT THE DOG BEING PUT DOWN,

SO I'M RATHER BEHIND
ON MY SCHOOLWORK.

SCHOOLWORK? MM-HMM.

WHAT ARE YOU STUDYING?

SERIOUSLY?

THE GENTLE MANATEES
OF NORTHEAST FLORIDA.

WHAT?

REALLY.

I LOVE IT THAT YOU'RE
STUDYING MANATEES.

RAISING A KID IS A CAREER.

COME ON.

OKAY, IT'S NOT LIKE...

BUT IT'S NOT.

I MEAN, IT'S A DIFFERENT...

I DON'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.

YES, IT IS.

I MEAN, I JUST...

SHE GOT WEIRD.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO
INSULT HER, BUT...

WELL, YOU DID.

WELL, GOD. SORRY.

I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S GOOD

TO BE TOTALLY DEPENDENT
ON ANOTHER PERSON.

WELL, HOW...

LIKE WHEN BETTE SUPPORTED YOU?

I TOOK TIME OFF TO HAVE A BABY.

THAT'S CRAZY.

SHE JUST...

SHH, SHH, SHH.

FUCK.

OH, MY GOD.

I WANT ANOTHER LESSON.

SHE IS SO FIRED.

HEY.

HI.

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING?

JUST THESE COMICS.

COOL.

HEY.

HEY.

HE HAS A PLAYDATE
WITH HIS FRIEND.

NICE.

THAT'S PROBABLY THE
LAST WORD ON EARTH

I EVER EXPECTED TO BE
UTTERED FROM YOUR LIPS.

WELL, IF THE PLAYDATE GOES WELL,

WE MIGHT TRY FOR A SLEEPOVER.

NICE. YEAH.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

JUST THESE TWO.

JUST CHOOSE ONE.

TWO... ONE FOR ME
AND ONE FOR JARED.

PLEASE?

HEY, DID YOU HEAR

THAT JENNY HAS AN
ARTICLE IN THE NEW YORKER?

YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THAT.

I THINK IT'S PRETTY COOL.

"LEZ GIRLS" BY
JENNIFER SCHECTER.

ISN'T SHE CLEVER.

WHAT A NICE PLAY ON WORDS.

"LES GIRLS," JENNY.

VERY CUTE.

BUY IT.

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.

I HAVEN'T READ IT YET.

YEAH, COME IN.

OH, HEY.

HOW WAS TOKYO?

I SPOKE TO BROOKE.

UH-HUH.

SHE TOLD ME SHE
ENDED IT WITH YOU.

MAX, I'M VERY TROUBLED.

I DON'T KNOW...

WHAT SHE SAID TO YOU,

I DON'T KNOW HOW
SHE EXPLAINED IT,

BUT I HAD TO BE
HONEST, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, MY DAUGHTER
GOES THROUGH GUYS

THE WAY SHE GOES
THROUGH CLOTHES.

ONE DAY,

SHE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT,

AND A WEEK LATER,

IT'S THE WORST CRIME

THE FASHION INDUSTRY
EVER PERPETRATED.

I'M STARTING TO
LOSE HOPE FOR HER.

I GUESS THAT'S JUST WOMEN, HUH?

UH...

MAX...

YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT
YOU TO THINK FOR A MINUTE

THIS IS GOING TO HAVE
ANY BEARING ON YOUR JOB.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING.

YEAH.

I'LL LET YOU GET BACK TO WORK.

OKAY.

EW, GROSS. MOM...

OH, PLEASE.

HI.

HI, SHAY.

JARED'S IN HIS...

SHAY, COME HERE! I'M IN THE POD!

OTHERWISE KNOWN AS HIS BEDROOM.

UH...

COME ON IN.

I...

NO, I SHOULD PROBABLY
GET TO WORK...

TO BE HONEST.

JUST FOR A CUP OF COFFEE?

OKAY.

GOOD. SURE.

THANKS FOR MEETING ME.

I WANTED TO SEE YOU IN PERSON.

SURE.

IT'S ABOUT KIT.

I'M PRETTY SURE

THAT ANGUS IS...

CHEATING ON HER.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I DON'T BELIEVE
THAT FOR A SECOND.

HE'S COMPLETELY DEVOTED TO HER.

I SAW HIM.

WHAT DID YOU SEE? WHAT?

WHERE?

WITH HAZEL.

THE NANNY.

HENRY AND I WERE
COMING HOME, AND...

I KNEW...

I KNEW THAT YOU WERE
GOING TO MOVE IN WITH HIM.

I DID.

I HAVEN'T MOVED IN WITH HIM.

OKAY.

COME ON. I STAY THE
NIGHT SOMETIMES.

OKAY.

ANYWAY, WE WERE COMING
BACK FROM THE THEATER,

AND AS WE DROVE
UP, THERE THEY WERE,

JUST MAKING OUT.

THEY WERE COMPLETELY
ALL OVER EACH...

WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

ARE YOU GUYS READY TO ORDER?

I'LL HAVE A...

COBB SALAD. COBB SALAD.

FOR BOTH OF YOU?

YES, PLEASE.

THAT'LL BE IT?

YEAH. YEAH.

WELL, DID THEY SEE YOU?

NO.

WE WERE SO FREAKED OUT
THAT WE HID FROM THEM...

BUT THEY WERE ALL
OVER EACH OTHER,

LIKE GRINDING AND SUCKING AND...

YEAH, I DON'T NEED THE DETAILS.

THEY MIGHT AS WELL
HAVE BEEN FUCKING

RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF US.

I DON'T NEED THE DETAILS.

WHAT ARE WE GOING
TO DO ABOUT IT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WE'RE GOING TO
STAY OUT OF IT, TINA.

WELL...

I JUST DON'T THINK
THAT'S FAIR TO KIT.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THAT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU
CAN FUCKING DO THAT?

WHAT BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS?

I CARE ABOUT KIT,

AND I DON'T WANT
TO SEE HER GET HURT.

WELL, THEN DON'T
TELL HER THAT YOU SAW

THE MAN THAT SHE LOVES
SUCKING YOUR NANNY'S FACE.

WELL, SHE'S GOING TO
FIND OUT EVENTUALLY,

AND I CAN TELL YOU
FROM EXPERIENCE,

IT'S MUCH MORE PAINFUL
SEEING IT WITH YOUR OWN EYES.

GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.

I MEAN, DON'T ACT

LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY
PERSON WHO'S EVER BEEN HURT.

AND I DON'T WANT
YOU TALKING TO KIT.

OKAY.

FINE.

THAT'S FINE.

I'M GOING TO TELL
HER IF YOU DON'T.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M GOING TO DO.

ALL RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M GOING TO DO.

I NEED SOME TIME
TO THINK ABOUT IT,

BUT IN THE MEANTIME,
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

PLEASE? THANK YOU.

OH, MY FUCKING GOD.

HAVE YOU READ THIS?

JENNY TRASHED US

ALL OVER THE NEW YORKER.

WE ARE ALL OVER THIS THING.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
SHE TRASHED US?

OKAY.

"'LEZ GIRLS.'

"NEW FICTION,

"PART ONE OF A
SERIALIZED NOVELLA

BY AUTHOR OF SOME OF HER PARTS."

NICE ONE, JENNY.

OKAY...

"ALYSSE CLUNG TO
THE BISEXUAL LABEL

"NOT OUT OF ANY GENUINE
AFFECTION FOR MEN.

SHE CLUNG TO IT OUT OF
SHEER FASHION DESPERATION."

OH, AND THIS IS PRICELESS.

WHERE WAS IT?

"ALYSSE WAS GROUND ZERO
FOR RUMOR AND HEARSAY,

"AND IT WAS HARD TO IMAGINE

"SHE HAD ANY TIME
FOR ACTUAL ROMANCE,

"STRAIGHT, BISEXUAL,
OR OTHERWISE,

"BECAUSE SHE SPENT SO MUCH TIME

"OBSESSING OVER OTHER PEOPLE'S

SEXUAL COMINGS AND GOINGS."

WHAT, AND YOU THINK
THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU?

ALYSSE, THE BISEXUAL GOSSIP?

YEAH.

ALICE, NO. NO, NO.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

AND ALICE, IT DOESN'T
EVEN SOUND LIKE YOU.

I MEAN, IT'S FICTION.

FICTION, MY ASS.

IT'S ABOUT AN INNOCENT BUT
OPEN-HEARTED "PHOTOGRAPHER"

FROM THE MIDWEST,

JESSIE STARR,

WHO MOVES TO LOS ANGELES
TO BE WITH HER BOYFRIEND,

AND IS SEDUCED BY KARINA,

YOU KNOW, THE PROPRIETRESS
OF AN ITALIAN CAFE.

KARINA?

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE...

MARINA. DUH.

OH-HO.

AND JESSIE AND
TODD MOVE NEXT DOOR

TO A LESBIAN COUPLE,

BEV AND NINA.

WHOA.

THAT'S A LITTLE
CLOSE TO THE BONE.

IT'S MORE LIKE SUCKING
ON THE MARROW.

BEV IS A POWER DYKE IN
THE PUBLISHING WORLD,

AND NINA IS DESCRIBED...

IT'S SO MEAN.

"A BI-CURIOUS STRAIGHT GIRL,

"A GIRL WHO WOULD
WASTE EIGHT YEARS

"OF SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE

"TRYING OUT AN IDENTITY

THAT WAS NEVER
GOING TO FIT HER."

THAT'S MEAN.

THAT'S REALLY HARSH.

SO MEAN.

THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOD.

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO EAT ANY MORE.

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED ANY MORE.

BUT I'M HUNGRY.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S
GOING TO TELL ME OFF

IF YOU EAT ALL MY FOOD.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

NOT MY GIRLFRIEND.

NO, I MEAN IT.

YOU'RE DOING GREAT

UNDER REALLY INTENSE
CIRCUMSTANCES.

AND HE BROKE HIS ARM...

POOR THING.

DO YOU HAVE MEDICAL INSURANCE?

UH, NO, I DON'T.

YOU REALLY HAVE TAKEN ON A LOT.

HOW ARE YOU MANAGING?

WELL, I-I TOOK ANOTHER JOB

TO HELP PAY FOR HIS ARM

AND EVERYTHING
THAT COMES WITH IT.

THAT'S A BITCH.

MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU...

BUT WE DO WHAT WE
HAVE TO DO, RIGHT?

I BARTEND AT THE
BEAUTY BAR ON CAHUENGA.

OH, ISN'T THAT THE PLACE
WITH THE HAIR SALON CHAIRS?

YEAH.

YOU WANT CREAM,
SUGAR, IN YOUR COFFEE?

OH, JUST A LITTLE CREAM

WOULD BE FINE.

YEAH.

YEAH, THE MONEY'S GREAT,

SO I WORK THERE A
FEW NIGHTS A WEEK,

AND...

WHILE JARED'S IN SCHOOL,

I DO TELEMARKETING FROM HOME.

SO THE REST OF THE FREE
TIME WE SPEND TOGETHER.

WELL...

WE DO WHAT WE HAVE TO DO, RIGHT?

WELL, SOME OF US DO,

AND SOME OF US DON'T TAKE
ANY RESPONSIBILITY AT ALL.

LIKE JARED'S FATHER.

OH.

UM...

I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

AH, I'M OVER IT.

I'D BE HAPPY TO NEVER
FUCK ANOTHER MAN IN MY LIFE.

THE CREAM WENT OFF.

IT'S OKAY.

I'M JUST SORRY FOR JARED...

THAT'S ALL.

HE WISHES HE HAD A DAD.

WELL, HE'S GOT A
PRETTY INCREDIBLE MOM.

UM...

BUT I'M GUESSING YOU
MUST HAVE BEEN, WHAT,

16 WHEN YOU HAD HIM?

18...

BUT SOMETIMES I FEEL
LIKE I'M A MILLION YEARS OLD,

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,

I WILL BE TOO OLD AND
WRETCHED TO PICK UP THE PIECES.

NO...

PLEASE. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE
TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.

ARE YOU HITTING ON ME?

UH...

I WASN'T. UM...

BUT I'M...

I'M SORRY TO MAKE YOU
UNCOMFORTABLE, IF...

IF YOU THINK I WAS.

NO, NO.

I'M SORRY.

I WAS HOPING YOU WERE.

MOM, CAN I GO TO THE
BEVERLY CENTER NOW?

I WANT TO SHOW
SHAY THE BIONICLES

BEFORE THE MOVIE.

YEAH, I SHOULD...

I SHOULD GET TO WORK, TOO.

UH, YEAH.

WHY DON'T YOU TWO
GO BACK TO THE POD

AND PUT YOUR SHOES ON,

AND THEN WE'LL GO.

BRILLIANT TIMING.

YEAH.

YEAH, UM...

WELL, THANK YOU FOR THE COFFEE.

I HOPE WE CAN DO IT AGAIN.

ME TOO.

UH, THANK YOU

FOR WATCHING SHAY AS WELL.

IT'S MY PLEASURE.

TALK TO YOU LATER.

OH, THAT LOOKS WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU.

SO I CALLED

THE WOOD DELIVERY PEOPLE.

THEY'LL BE HERE IN
ABOUT HALF AN HOUR.

OH, THANK YOU, HONEY.

OOH.

GO SIT BY THE FIRE.

YOU'RE GETTING UNDERFOOT.

THE PERILS OF BEING THE
EXECUTIVE VICE CHANCELLOR.

SHE CERTAINLY MANAGES
TO SQUEEZE A LOT IN.

YEAH, WELL, UP AT STANFORD,

SHE CHAIRED AT
LEAST 15 COMMITTEES,

AND SHE PRETTY
MUCH SINGLE-HANDEDLY

RESURRECTED

THE SCHOOL OF ENGINEERING.

THAT'S MY DEPARTMENT.

YOU KNOW...

OH, NO, LEONARD.
YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM.

THEY HAVEN'T BEEN COOKED YET.

WELL, UH, LET ME KNOW
IF I CAN HELP OR ANYTHING,

ALL RIGHT?

I WISH YOU WERE COMING TONIGHT.

LEONARD IS JUST IRRITATING
THE HELL OUT OF ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I ASKED
HIM TO COME DOWN FOR THIS.

I HAD SUCH A WONDERFUL TIME
LAST NIGHT AND THIS MORNING.

I MISS YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

CALL ME LATER.

NO, DON'T CALL
ME. I'LL CALL YOU.

WHEW.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. WHAT?

HELLO, HELLO.

I LIKE YOUR OUTFIT.
I LIKE YOURS.

I LIKE YOURS, GREASED LIGHTNING.

GREASED LIGHTNING.

AND THE HAT'S CUTE TOO.

THANKS. I JUST GOT IT.

HEY, UH, JEN.

WE'RE GOING TO HERE.
DO YOU WANT TO COME?

MM-HMM.

CAN I JUST FINISH MY DINNER
AND THEN GO GET CHANGED?

YES.

IF SHE'S GOING, I'M NOT GOING.

HUH? WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

JENNY, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, ALICE?

OH, NO, JUST CALL ME ALYSSE,
THE BISEXUAL FASHION VICTIM.

I'M SORRY, IS MY HAT TOO MUCH?

A LITTLE. WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

JENNY WROTE A STORY.

IT WAS PUBLISHED
IN THE NEW YORKER.

WE'RE ALL VERY, VERY
EXCITED FOR YOU, JENNY.

BUT WE'RE IN IT.

WE'RE IN IT.

OH...

THANK YOU, ALICE,
FOR BEING SO GRACIOUS

ABOUT MY ACCOMPLISHMENT

OF BEING PUBLISHED
IN THE NEW YORKER,

BUT, ALICE,

IF YOU ACTUALLY READ
BEYOND THE COVER...

OH, I READ IT.

YOU DID? YEAH.

IT'S IN THE NEW
YORKER, FICTION ISSUE.

THEREFORE, YOU'D SEE

THAT IT WAS ACTUALLY
A WORK OF FICTION.

OH, THAT'S BULLSHIT.

I TAKE IT YOU HAVEN'T
READ THIS "STORY."

CLEARLY NOT. NO.

YOU READ IT. TELL HER.

YEAH, I READ IT.

I MEAN, SHE CLAIMS
THAT IT'S NOT YOU.

IT'S NOT.

I DRAW FROM MY OWN LIFE,

AND I USE MY FRIENDS
AND MY OWN EXPERIENCES

AS INSPIRATION,

BUT AT THE END OF
THE DAY, IT'S FICTION.

RIGHT. RIGHT.

YEAH, THERE'S THIS CHARACTER
NAMED SHAUN, SHANE,

AND SHE'S A MAKEUP
ARTIST, RIGHT?

AM I CORRECT? MM-HMM.

YEAH, AND SHE SLEEPS
WITH A LOT OF GIRLS...

THAT'S NOT BAD.

HEY, ALICE.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S THIS CRAZY
WEIRD THING THAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU WRITE.

AS A WRITER...

WAIT, IS THIS A LESSON?

YEAH. IN WRITING?

FROM JENNY SCHECTER?

YEAH.

OH, FUCK, LET ME GRAB A PEN.

GET A PAD, TOO.

SO THIS THING THAT
HAPPENS WHEN YOU WRITE

IS YOU DRAW FROM YOUR OWN LIFE,

AND THEN, IN TURN,

YOU TAKE THOSE EXPERIENCES

AND YOU USE SOMETHING
CALLED IMAGINATION, ALICE.

OH, IMAGINATION.

GOD.

SO THAT'S THE THING
YOU WERE LACKING

WHEN YOU COULD BARELY
CHANGE OUR NAMES, HUH?

HEY, JUST A SECOND. YOU GUYS...

DO YOU... DO YOU HEAR THAT?

OH, MY GOD, IT'S MONET.

MONET HAS COME
BACK FROM THE DEAD,

AND HE WANTS ME TO
GIVE YOU A MESSAGE.

HE SAYS, "I AM SO SORRY

"FOR SITTING IN FRONT
OF MY POND IN FRANCE

"AND SKETCHING
THOSE WATER LILIES

"AND USING THE WATER LILIES

"AS ACTUAL INSPIRATION.

SORRY TO OFFEND, ALICE."

RIGHT, RIGHT.

OH, WAIT.

HE'S TALKING TO ME.

SO WEIRD. IT'S CRA... HUH?

WHAT?

OKAY, I'LL TELL HER.

HE SAID DON'T EVER FUCKING
COMPARE YOURSELF TO HIM.

I WAS SAYING,

I'M NOT SURE

WHERE I'M PUTTING
THE SCULPTURE YET.

I DID MOVE A HAMMOCK IN, THOUGH.

AT SOME POINT,

I LIKE TO SLEEP AND
WORK IN THE SAME PLACE.

SO I LIKE TO BE INTIMATE
WITH MY OBJECTS.

AND THE OBJECTS BEING

ALL OF THIS JUNK YOU HAULED IN.

THAT COULD SOUND RUDE, WEB.

HIS TONE...

NO, NO, NO. I GOT HIS TONE.

IT'S OKAY.

SHE'S GOT MY TONE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

OH...

HERE'S SOMEONE I
REALLY HAVE TO MEET.

NICE TO, UH, MEET YOU.

UH, WELL,

IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU, DON.

IT'S TOM.

AND I'M NOT DEAF.

AH. RIGHT.

AND, UM...

JODI.

JODI.

AND I'M DEAF.

YES, OF COURSE.

I MEAN, WELL YOU KNOW, I'M
GOING TO GO SEE MY FRIEND.

BYE-BYE.

TAKE CARE.

HELLO, CHRISTINE.

DEAN PORTER.

HELLO.

MY, MY, YOU CLEAN UP NICE.

THANKS.

- I - CAN'T SAY THE
SAME FOR YOU.

TOM. SO NICE TO SEE YOU.

THANK YOU.

DID YOU JUST INSULT ME?

NO.

YOU'RE JUST ALWAYS
SO VERY CLEAN.

I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE
YOU BEING DIRTY AT ALL.

I'VE BEEN PLENTY DIRTY.

OH. HMM.

I HAVE A HARD TIME
PICTURING THAT.

I'M SORRY, I JUST...

I DON'T KNOW,

MAYBE A FETCHING LITTLE
SMUDGE RIGHT ABOUT...

DIRTIER.

I DON'T ENVY YOU,

TRYING TO RAISE MONEY
FROM CREEPS LIKE THOSE GUYS.

IT'S NOT SO BAD.

ACTUALLY, IT'S A
FUCKING NIGHTMARE.

OH, GOD. EXACTLY.

UGH.

DICKS.

DID YOU GET THAT?

THEY'RE DICKS.

YEAH, I DID. I GOT THAT.

LET'S GET STONED.

THEN WE CAN LAUGH AT THEM.

I CAN'T DO THAT. OH, COME ON.

I CAN'T,

BUT THANK YOU
FOR THE INVITATION.

BREAK SOME RULES, BETTE.

IT WILL LIBERATE YOU.

I CAN'T.

COME ON.

COME ON, DEAN.

BRING IT.

ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT
YOU'VE DONE IT YOURSELF

IN YOUR, LIKE, FUCKING
RADIO SHOW AND...

THAT IS SO DIFFERENT.

WHY ARE YOU YELLING?

DON'T YELL.

ON TOP OF THAT,

I JUST WANT TO
MAKE ANOTHER POINT.

I JUST WANT TO MAKE THE POINT

THAT YOU ARE SOMEHOW SAYING

THAT I DON'T HAVE ONE
CREATIVE BONE IN MY BODY,

AND THAT'S BULLSHIT.

YEAH, WHATEVER. WHATEVER.

WHAT?

WHATEVER, JENNY.

NO, YOU WERE THE ONE
THAT BROUGHT IT UP.

DO YOU KNOW WHO MAKES THIS HAT?

WHO?

DO YOU KNOW? NO.

YOU DON'T KNOW. I WOULD GUESS...

I WOULD GUESS

THE LEAD SINGER OF
THE VILLAGE PEOPLE.

LADIES!

THIS IS MY GIRL, TASHA.

TASHA, MEET ALICE,
JENNY, AND VANILLA.

I'M SHANE.

VANILLA, 'CAUSE SHE'S ME
EXCEPT IN ANOTHER FLAVOR.

RIGHT.

DO YOU GUYS WANT
TO HAVE A DRINK?

YEAH. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

I DON'T CARE.

HEY, TASH, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I CAN BUY MY OWN DRINK.

FUCK THAT, MAN.

THIS IS YOUR WELCOME
BACK INTO THE WORLD.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE
TASHA'S BEEN IN THE CLUBS, SO...

SHUT UP, PAPI. SHUT UP.

YO, PAPI,

I'M GOING TO GO
SMOKE, ALL RIGHT?

WELL, HOLD ON.
I'LL COME WITH YOU.

NO, I'M COOL.

IS SHE OKAY?

SHE SEEMS MAD OR SOMETHING.

OH, YOU KNOW, SHE'S COOL.

THERE'S SOMEBODY COMING.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN STONED YET

AND YOU'RE PARANOID.

RELAX.

COME ON, DEAN.

ALL RIGHT, NONE OF THAT
"CLINTONIAN" SHIT NOW.

INHALE.

AND...

PLEASE, SHE KNOWS
WHAT SHE'S DOING.

HEY.

HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

I SAW YOU WATCHING ME.

YES, I WAS.

MY NAME'S RUBY.

RUBY?

YES.

SHANE.

NICE TO MEET YOU, SHANE.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, RUBY.

YOU'RE VERY DELICIOUS.

DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?

NO. NO?

NO.

EITHER DO I.

HEY, SHANE.

PAPI.

OH, HI. HOW ARE YOU?

GIRL, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

MY NAME'S RUBY.

RUBY, I'M PAPI. IT'S
NICE TO MEET YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU. RUBY,
THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL NAME.

YOU KNOW, MY COUSIN
SONJA HAS A LITTLE GIRL

NAMED RUBY.

I'M HER GODMOTHER.

YEAH, I LOVE THAT GIRL
MORE THAN ANYTHING,

YOU KNOW?

THAT'S REALLY GREAT.

MY BROTHER'S WIFE
ACTUALLY JUST HAD A BABY.

REALLY? SHE'S SO INCREDIBLE.

ACTUALLY,

I CRIED THE FIRST
TIME I HELD HER.

OH, YOU MUST HAVE
BEEN SO BEAUTIFUL.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN...

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE
MADONNA WITH THE CHILD.

MADONNA WITH THE CHILD?

YEAH.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, PAPI.

THANK YOU, SHANE.

AND THAT'S A CUTE HAT.

IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.

IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

BYE-BYE. BYE.

OH, I'M SORRY.

DID I...

I DIDN'T MEAN TO, LIKE...

DID YOU HAVE A...

NO.

ARE YOU SURE?

I'M SURE.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO...

DO YOU WANT TO DANCE? YES.

ALL RIGHT.

GO AHEAD.

SHIT!

IT'S JENNY SCHECTER,

THE FUCKING LUNATIC
WHOSE BOOK I REVIEWED.

WHO?

STACEY MERKIN IS HERE.

WHO'S THAT? THE VAGINA WITCH?

YEAH, SHE'S HERE.

JUST LOOK CASUAL, LIKE
NOTHING'S HAPPENING...

OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S... I THINK THAT'S DEBBIE.

WHO'S DEBBIE?

DEBBIE, SHE'S JUST A...

WELL, HER DOG IS MY PATIENT.

I HAD TO PUT HER DOG DOWN.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?

SHE LIVES IN SANTA BARBARA.

SHE'S WITH THE RED T-SHIRT.

WHAT'S SHE DOING
NOW? YEAH, YEAH.

COME HERE. NO, JUST COME HERE.

THEY'RE WALKING...

OH, MY GOD, DISTRACT THEM,

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT
THEM TO COME OVER TO ME.

CAN YOU KISS ME? NO!

PLEASE KISS ME.

I DON'T KISS GIRLS
WHO WEAR DOILIES.

I BEG YOU. I WILL BUY YOU
STARBUCKS FOR A WEEK.

PLEASE. BEG YOU.

YES, YES, YES. PLEASE.

OKAY.

OKAY, GO. READY?

ONE, TWO, THREE.

OH... COME ON.

I DON'T WANT SCHECTER TO SEE ME.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT? YEAH.

COME HERE.

IT'LL BE FANTASTIC.

I'D LOVE TO BE THERE,

BUT MUMMY, SHE'S TAKEN
WILSON AND JUN YING

TO THE VILLA IN TUSCANY.

MM, NICE.

THEY'RE HAVING A FABULOUS TIME.

OH, I ADORE THEM.

PHYLLIS, EXCELLENT PARTY.

DID YOU KNOW

THAT HELENA'S MOTHER AND I

ARE OLD FRIENDS?

ISN'T SHE DOING A GREAT JOB?

MM.

WHAT DOES SHE MEAN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NOTHING, JUST SOMETHING I
DO ON THE SIDE SOMETIMES.

IT'S CATERING.

ANYWHERE, I'D BE THERE.

I'M TOO BUSY AT THE MOMENT.

EVERYTHING...

I THINK YOU MIGHT WANT
TO COME INTO THE KITCHEN.

JUST... GIVE ME A MINUTE,

WOULD YOU?

ANYWAYS...

UH, I REALLY THINK YOU
SHOULD COME TO THE KITCHEN.

FUCK! FUCK!

FUCK!

WHAT THE FUCK!

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME...

WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE...

WHAT AM I GOING TO
DO? IT'S ALL RUINED!

WHY DIDN'T YOU COME AND
TELL ME EARLIER ABOUT THIS?

THERE'S GLASS ON EVERYTHING.
PEOPLE CAN'T EAT THIS.

SHIT!

SHIT!

HI.

HEY.

CAN I SIT? OR...

YEAH?

SO, HOW LONG HAVE
YOU KNOWN PAPI?

FIVE YEARS.

FIVE YEARS? WOW.

HOW'D YOU MEET HER?

HANGING OUT.

OH.

YOU LIKE HANGING OUT?

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN
YOU'RE HANGING OUT?

I DON'T KNOW. PLAY
BASKETBALL, I GUESS.

WELL, SEE, THERE'S THE CATCH.

TASHA, I THINK YOU'RE LYING.

WELL, 'CAUSE WE
PLAYED A GAME WITH PAPI

AND YOU WEREN'T THERE, SO...

I WAS OUT OF TOWN.

OH.

AND I GUESS I LIKE
WORKING ON MY RIDE.

I'VE GOT A TRIUMPH SCRAMBLER.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF TOWN.

YOU HAVE A MOTORCYCLE?

THAT'S...

FUCK, THAT'S COOL.

THAT'S SO COOL,

'CAUSE I HAVE

THIS KIND OF NEW OBSESSION

WITH MOTORCYCLES.

I DON'T KNOW WHY,
BUT I WANT ONE,

AND I DON'T KNOW... WOW.

HOW FAST DO YOU GO?

ON THE OPEN ROAD,

I'VE TAKEN HER UP TO ABOUT 120.

120? MILES AN HOUR?

OH! THAT'S FAST.

VERY.

HUH.

I'LL TAKE YOU FOR
A RIDE SOME TIME.

REALLY.

THAT WOULD BE... I
WOULD LOVE THAT.

THAT WOULD BE COOL.

OH, SHOOT. SORRY.

HELLO?

HEY, HELENA.

YEAH. NO, I'M OUT.

YEAH.

YOU RAN INTO...

I DON'T KNOW WHO
DOUGLAS CHIBI IS, NO.

I... WILL YOU SLOW DOWN?

BECAUSE I CAN'T... I'M
NOT UNDERSTANDING YOU.

WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO

IS PLEASE GO TO PETROSSIAN,

GET ME FIVE POUNDS
OF SEVRUGA CAVIAR.

I'VE STILL GOT SOME BLINIS,

I CAN CUT UP SOME EGGS AND...

ALICE, I DON'T CARE
HOW MUCH IT IS, OKAY?

IT'S THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TO
SALVAGE THIS FUCKING PARTY.

THIS PARTY IS SO MUCH BETTER
THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

YOU ARE MUCH NAUGHTIER
THAN I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE.

MORE.

SHE ASKED ME

IF I THINK YOU'VE EVER
BEEN REALLY DECADENT.

ACTUALLY, I PREFER
NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

I'D RATHER PRESERVE
MY VISION OF DEAN PORTER

AS THE IMPENETRABLE ICE QUEEN.

THAT IS SO FUCKED UP.

HERE.

IT IS. IT IS!

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HAVE TO SAY,

IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY USEFUL

TO HAVE PEOPLE THINK
THAT YOU'RE IMPENETRABLE

BECAUSE THEN IT
MAKES THEM WANT YOU,

AND YOU GET ALL OF THESE
REALLY GREAT INVITATIONS.

OH...

TELL.

TELL EVERYTHING.

COME ON, DEAN.

CAVIAR BLINIS?

MARVELOUS TOUCH, HELENA.

I HAD NO IDEA WE
HAD IT IN THE BUDGET.

SCREW THE BUDGET.

I WANT YOU YOU TO
COME UP TO STANFORD

AND CATER SOME PARTIES

FOR THE DEPARTMENT
OF ENGINEERING.

NO WAY.

I'M NOT SHARING HER.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAPPY, PHYLLIS.

WELL, SHE'S USUALLY
VERY GENEROUS.

SHE MUST ADORE YOU.

HELENA, I'M...

ALICE!

I'M SORRY.

I WAS JUST DROPPING
SOME STUFF OFF

FOR HELENA,

BUT I'M GOING TO GO.

HI.

I'M LEONARD...

KROLL.

I'M PHYLLIS' HUSBAND.

GREAT. YEAH. ALICE.

ALICE.

I LOVE YOUR HAT.

YOU DO?

MM-HMM. IT'S GREAT.

I'M, UH, HELENA'S ROOMMATE.

OH, WELL, YOU'RE LUCKY.

GREAT COOK.

I DIDN'T EXACTLY
COOK THE CAVIAR.

STILL GOOD.

YOU MUST... EAT WELL.

SO, CAN I GET YOU A DRINK

OR SOMETHING TO EAT?

THE FOOD'S GREAT.

NO, I'M GOOD.

GOOD.

WELL, WELCOME.

THANK YOU.

IT'S A REALLY, REALLY
BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.

OH, THANK YOU. WELL, WE LIKE IT.

IT'S SNUG.

ARE THOSE YOUR KIDS?

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

MOLLY IS A JUNIOR AT VASSAR NOW,

AND SOPHIA IS JUST
STARTING BENNINGTON.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL FAMILY.

YEAH, WE'RE VERY PROUD OF THEM.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

HOW OLD WERE YOU TWO HERE?

WHAT WAS I?

I WAS 36, AND YOU WERE, UH...

29.

29...

OKAY, WELL... BEAUTIFUL.

BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, IT WAS
NICE MEETING YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU TOO.

OKAY. SEE YOU LATER.

COME BY ANY TIME.

OKAY.

CUTE.

WELL, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME

THAT TINA AND I

WERE ON THIS REALLY
REALLY BIG YACHT,

AND TINA AND I WERE
IN OUR STATEROOM,

AND VALENTINO IS UP ON THE DECK,

AND HE WAS, LIKE,
LITTLE BLACK SPEEDOS,

AND THE SENATOR COMES IN

TO THE ROOM...

WITH THIS BONER.

I'VE HEARD HE'S GOT A COCK

THE SIZE OF A TINY LITTLE CIGAR.

IT'S MORE LIKE A
CIGARILLO, ACTUALLY,

THAT'S BEEN IN SOMEONE'S
POCKET FOR FOUR DAYS.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

SPARE ME THE DETAILS.

DID HE WHIP IT OUT?

OF COURSE HE DID,

AND THEN I YELLED,

AND TINA DOVE UNDER THE COVERS,

AND IT WAS JUST...

IT WASN'T PRETTY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY ALL THINK

THEY CAN INVITE
THEMSELVES INTO OUR BED.

I DON'T KNOW.

SHE WANTS TO KNOW

IF YOU KNOW HOW TO SHOTGUN.

WELL, YOU'RE JUST GOING
TO HAVE TO FIND OUT.

♪ ALL I WANT IS
FOR YOU TO STAY ♪

♪ YOU SAY A TIGHT
DRESS MAKES YOU DROOL ♪

♪ AND YOU DON'T WANT TO LEAVE ♪

♪ UNTIL I'M GONE ♪

♪ ALL I CRAVE IS
YOUR NUMBER... ♪

ALICE!

SHIT.

ALICE, WAIT.

I WANT TO EXPLAIN.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

HE'S YOUR HUSBAND.

WE'RE NOT LIKE THAT.

WE HAVEN'T HAD A PHYSICAL
RELATIONSHIP FOR YEARS.

I MEAN, WE HAVEN'T...

WE...

WE DON'T F...

ALICE...

NO.

WE DON'T FUCK, OKAY?

IT'S NOT REALLY THAT.

I THINK I'VE BEEN
A LITTLE SELFISH.

I HAVEN'T THOUGHT FOR A SECOND

THAT YOU HAVE A HUSBAND,
YOU HAVE A FAMILY,

YOU HAVE KIDS...

THAT'S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

I'M GOING TO HURT ANYBODY.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT.

I'M JUST SAYING,

I DON'T THINK I FEEL
COMFORTABLE DOING THIS ANYMORE.

ALICE, I'VE NEVER
FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

ABOUT ANYONE.

OKAY, LISTEN.

I DON'T WANT TO DO
THIS WITH HIM INSIDE.

IT'S NOT RIGHT.

I THINK I SHOULD GO.

I REALLY DO.

CAN YOU LET GO OF
MY HANDS? PLEASE?

PLEASE?

ALICE...

CAN YOU LET GO OF
MY HANDS? PLEASE?

I LOVE YOU.

PLEASE?

ALICE, PLEASE. THANK YOU.

♪ CLOSE THE DOOR ♪

♪ DON'T LEAVE
YOUR FEARS BEHIND ♪

♪ I'LL FIND THE TEARS ♪

♪ YOU THOUGHT NO
ONE COULD FIND ♪

♪ AND WHEN I'M THROUGH ♪

♪ I'LL GIVE TO YOU ♪

♪ TENDER LOVE ♪

♪ TENDER LOVE ♪

♪ TAKE OFF YOUR COAT ♪

♪ AND I'LL MAKE YOU SOME TEA ♪

♪ AND THEN I'LL SHOW... ♪

♪ YOU WHY YOU CAME TO ME ♪

♪ I WON'T SPARE THE ROD ♪

♪ BUT I'LL SPOIL THE CHILD ♪

♪ TENDER LOVE ♪

♪ TENDER LOVE ♪

♪ TENDER LOVE ♪

YEAH.