The L Word (2004–2009): Season 4, Episode 4 - Layup - full transcript

PREVIOUSLY ON THE L
WORD... DO YOU NEED A RIDE?

YEAH.

I WON'T LET SHAY LIVE IN
SOME HOMELESS SHELTER

THE WAY I DID WHEN I WAS A KID.

I'M BEGGING YOU.

PLEASE JUST LET HIM
GO TO SCHOOL HERE.

I'M YOUR

JUST-BEEN-OFFERED-
$100,000-RECORD-DEAL-

WITH-THRILL-CITY-RECORDS
BOYFRIEND!

NUH-UH.

UH-HUH!



I HATE TO SAY IT, MAN,

BUT THE A&R GUY CALLED BACK.

SO, YOU WOULDN'T BE
ACTUALLY IN THE BAND.

I MET YOU AT CHERIE
JAFFE'S PARTY LAST WEEK.

I'LL TAKE SOME SNAPSHOTS

AND I'LL SEND THEM OVER
TO HUGO BOSS HIMSELF.

I'M NOT A MODEL.

IT'S TOO BAD

YOU CAN'T PROVE
YOUR CRITIC WAS WRONG

ABOUT HER GIRLFRIEND'S
UNIMPEACHABLE INTEGRITY.

I WONDER IF YOU
CAN DO ME A FAVOUR.

YEAH.

I'M TRYING TO FIND
A FRIEND OF MINE,

LINDSAY, WHO I WENT
TO SUMMER CAMP WITH.



I COULD DO A COMPUTER SEARCH
AND SEE WHAT I CAN COME UP WITH.

PHYLLIS, HI! IT'S
GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I WANTED TO THANK
YOU FOR LAST NIGHT.

I HAD A LOVELY TIME.

I ESPECIALLY LOVED
ALICE. SHE'S SO VIBRANT.

YEAH, OKAY, UP HIGHER, YEAH.

LEFT. NO, NO, THE OTHER LEFT.

OKAY, YEAH, GOOD, GOOD.

SO FUCKING LEFT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, NOW
MAKE CIRCLES OR SOMETHING.

CIRCLES ARE GOOD.
CIRCLES, CIRCLES...

OH, YEAH.

OKAY, BIGGER CIRCLES.

BIGGER... OKAY,
NOT THAT BIG, NOT...

NO, NO, NO, NO.

OKAY, OKAY. NO,
NOW YOU'RE NOT...

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW
WHAT, JUST THINK ABOUT...

THINK ABOUT, LIKE,
WHAT YOU LIKE.

HO, WHOA.

OKAY, NICE SURPRISE.

A-PLUS.

OKAY, GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, BOTH.

YEAH, KEEP... BOTH IS GOOD.

KEEP THEM... KEEP
GOING, KEEP GOING,

KEEP THEM BOTH.

YEAH, YEAH, KEEP THEM INSIDE.

OKAY. NOW...

NOW WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO

IS JUST... WHAT?

TEETH. TEETH AREN'T GO...

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO TEETH.

NO TEETH, NO, NO, NO...

OH, OKAY.

TEETH ARE GOOD.

FUCK.

OKAY, GREAT.

YOU'RE DOING SO GOOD.

OKAY.

OH, JESUS FUCKING A. CHRIST.

OKAY, YEAH.

OH, GOOD.

OKAY, AND THEN, JUST LIKE...

YEAH, THAT'S GOOD,

AND THEN YOU JUST, LIKE...

ALL THAT. OH, YEAH.

OKAY. OH, FUCK.

OH, YEAH, FUCK.

YEAH, THIS IS GOOD, OKAY?

OH, YEAH!

FUCK!

AH!

FUCK! FUCK!

AH!

FUCK!

WOW...

WOW.

THAT WAS GOOD.

♪ GIRLS IN TIGHT DRESSES
WHO DRAG WITH MUSTACHES ♪

♪ CHICKS DRIVING FAST
INGENUES WITH LONG LASHES ♪

♪ WOMEN WHO LONG, LOVE,
LUST WOMEN WHO GIVE ♪

♪ THIS IS THE WAY IT'S
THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ TALKING, LAUGHING
LOVING, BREATHING ♪

♪ FIGHTING, FUCKING
CRYING, DRINKING ♪

♪ WRITING, WINNING
LOSING, CHEATING ♪

♪ KISSING, THINKING, DREAMING ♪

♪ THIS IS THE WAY... ♪

♪ IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ AND LOVE ♪

SO, DID YOU ORGASM?

YOU DID, RIGHT?

PHYLLIS, FOR FUTURE REFERENCE,

WHEN A GIRL YOU'RE FUCKING

SCREAMS REALLY LOUD

AND THEN GOES
COMPLETELY LIMP LIKE THAT,

IT'S A PRETTY GOOD INDICATION

YOU MADE HER COME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW
WONDERFUL THIS IS.

IT IS THE MOST AMAZING FEELING,

TO MAKE A WOMAN COME.

YOU'VE MADE
YOURSELF COME, RIGHT?

OH, OF COURSE,

BUT THAT WAS MERE NECESSITY.

THIS IS PLEASURE.

PURE, UNADULTERATED PLEASURE.

IT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN DREAMING

AND FANTASIZING ABOUT,

WISHING FOR FOREVER.

WELCOME...

TO THE WONDERFUL
WORLD OF DISNEY.

OH...

YOU ARE SO...

GOOD.

YOU ARE GOOD AT THIS.

YOU MAKE...

YOU MAKE A REALLY GOOD STUDENT.

ALICE...

I WANT TO BE THE PROFESSOR.

SEE YOU, SHANE. I'M GOING.

DO YOU HAVE EVERYTHING?

UM, I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU THIS.

WHAT IS IT?

OH...

BACK TO SCHOOL NIGHT?

UM, WELL, LOOK,

I'M GOING TO TRY TO
GET TO THIS THING.

I JUST, UH...

I DON'T KNOW IF I
CAN DO THIS, SHAY.

WHAT ARE WE GOING
TO TELL THE KIDS?

WE'LL JUST TELL THEM

WE HAD TO TAKE
SMOKEY TO THE FARM.

THAT'S WHAT MY PARENTS TOLD ME.

DEBBIE?

DEBBIE?

OH, ME.

IS THAT RIGHT?

YEAH, DEBBIE'S MY NAME.

I'M NOT SO GOOD

AT REMEMBERING PEOPLE NAMES.

IS THIS SOUNDER?

ISN'T SHE PRECIOUS?

YES, HE IS.

HI. HI!

LIKE I WAS SAYING, DEBBIE,

SOUNDER IS A SUPER OLD DOG.

SHE'S ALMOST 11.

SHE'S GOT CATARACTS,

AND UNDER HER COAT
YOU'LL FEEL SOME TUMORS,

BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS

AS THEY GET OLDER.

SHE HAS SOME INCONTINENCE,

BUT THAT'S TO BE EXPECTED.

I'M SURE YOU'VE HAD
TO DEAL WITH THAT

WITH ALL THE OLDER
DOGS YOU'VE TAKEN IN.

OH, YEAH. I'VE DEALT WITH,
UH, INCONTINENCE A LOT.

OH, DON'T BE UPSET, DEBBIE.

SHE'S...

SHE'S NOT IN PAIN.

OH, I THINK IT'S SO LOVELY
WHAT YOU DO FOR OLD DOGS,

TAKING THEM IN TO CARE
FOR THEM IN THEIR FINAL DAYS.

YOU KNOW, ALL SENTIENT
BEINGS DESERVE TO DIE

SURROUNDED BY LOVE.

NAMASTE.

NAMASTE.

I THINK SHE LIKES ME.

I THINK SHE'S NOT
FEELING VERY WELL.

SHE USUALLY DOES THAT A
FEW TIMES BEFORE SHE, UH...

OH.

HUH...

OH, MY GOODNESS.

UH...

I'LL TAKE HER.

IF I WANT TO HIT IT WITH A GIRL,

THEN I DO.

IT'S REALLY THAT SIMPLE.

I'VE ONLY BEEN TURNED
DOWN ONCE IN MY LIFE.

WHO TURNED YOU DOWN?

SELMA JOHNSON.

MY MOTHER... GOD BLESS HER.

WHAT?

HER BEST FRIEND.

OH! OH, YOU GOT TURNED DOWN

BY YOUR MOTHER'S BEST FRIEND?

WELL, I MEAN, NO WONDER. HELLO.

WELL, SHE TURNED ME
DOWN WHEN I WAS 12,

BUT WE HIT IT WHEN I WAS 17.

THANKS.

AND SHE WAS WORTH THE WAIT.

SHE WAS ONE FUCKING
HOT-ASS OLD LADY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YEAH, I SO DO KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME

WHO YOU'VE BEEN
HITTING IT WITH LATELY,

HUH?

BESIDES THE LOVINGS YOU GOT

IN THE BACK OF THE LIMO.

OH, NO ONE.

I MEAN, WELL, YOU KNOW,

NO ONE YOU'D KNOW...

MAYBE.

WAS SHE GOOD?

YEAH, GOOD, YEAH.

WELL, DIFFERENT.

DIFFERENT.

GOOD. SHE WAS GOOD.

SHE WAS GREAT. WHAT AM I SAYING?

SHE WAS GREAT.

JUST, YOU KNOW, SHE'S
NOT MY NORMAL TYPE,

NOT THAT I HAVE
A TYPE, BUT, UH...

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK IT'S...

IT'S NOT ABOUT STICKING
WITH WHAT YOU KNOW...

RIGHT NOW... FOR ME.

YOU KNOW, DIFFERENT IS GOOD.

YEAH, DIFFERENT
SOUNDS MARRIED, ALICE.

JUST KEEP THAT ON THE DL.

YOU DON'T NEED TO
BE DODGING BULLETS.

NO, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT, PAPI.

I MEAN, I KNOW WHEN
TO KEEP IT IN MY PANTS.

IT'S OKAY.

SHIT, I DON'T.

YEAH, I JUST THINK,
FOR ME, RIGHT NOW,

IT'S ABOUT NEW PORTALS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

NEW PORTALS, NEW FRONTIERS.

NEW OPENINGS.

LIKE, PLACES TO MEET GIRLS,

WHICH, I WOULD LOVE TO
TELL THE GIRLS ON OUR CHART

WHERE TO MEET GIRLS,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
YOU SAY YOU KNOW, SO...

OKAY.

YEAH, WELL, THERE'S
LOTS OF PLACES,

BUT I'LL TELL YOU THE BEST ONE.

OH.

EVERY SUNDAY

THERE'S A LESBIAN
PICK-UP BASKETBALL GAME

AT WEST HOLLYWOOD PARK.

I DON'T LEAVE THERE
WITHOUT AT LEAST ONE GIRL,

AND, LIKE, A COUPLE OF DIGITS.

YEAH, IT'S HOT, TOO.

IT'S, LIKE,

ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF GIRLS,
LIKE, ALL SWEATY AND SHIT.

THAT SOUNDS GREAT. I
MEAN, IT SOUNDS HOT.

YEAH, IT'S MAD HOT.

YOU SHOULD COME, TOO.

LIKE, THIS SUNDAY, MY
WHOLE CREW'S GOING.

I CAN EVEN GET YOU ON A TEAM,

BUT IT'S MORE LIKE A DONE DEAL

IF YOU BRING YOUR OWN.

OH, SO YOU MAKE A LITTLE TEAM?

YEAH.

OH, MY FRIENDS, WE
COULD MAKE A LITTLE A TEAM.

IT'D BE GOOD.

WHAT YOU GOING TO CALL
YOUR LITTLE TEAM, HUH?

THE BOUGIE ASS GIRLS?

NO, MORE LIKE, THE
KICK YOUR ASS GIRLS.

OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

WELL, JUST MAKE SURE YOU
BRING, UH, VANILLA SPICE.

YOU MEAN SHANE?

YEAH, SHAME.

YEAH, WE'RE GONNA
HURT YOU SO BAD.

LOOK, YOU'RE ALREADY TRIPPIN'.

OH, YEAH.

OOH, WE'RE SO SCARED TO
PLAY BASKETBALL WITH PAPI.

YEAH, WELL, YOU SHOULD BE,

BECAUSE WE'RE GOING
TO WHOOP YOUR ASSES

ALL THE WAY BACK TO RODEO
DRIVE SO YOU CAN GO SHOPPING,

WHICH IS PROBABLY THE
ONLY SPORT YOU CAN PLAY.

OH, WE'LL BE THERE, PAPI, OKAY,

AND YOU CAN SAVE THE SHIT
FOR THE FIELD, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S CALLED THE COURT.

WHATEVER.

IT'S ON.

IT'S SO FUCKING ON.

GOOD MORNING, CHANCELLOR.

OH, BETTE, GOOD MORNING.

LOVELY DAY, ISN'T IT?

NO!

ASTOUNDING DAY.

ABSOLUTELY LIFE-ALTERING.

UM, YEAH, IT IS...

IT'S A NICE MORNING.

DID YOU...

DID YOU DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT?

DID YOU CHANGE YOUR HAIR, OR...

YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.

OH...

WELL, LISTEN, I'M ABOUT
TO GO MEET SKIP CONNELLY,

AND I WAS JUST GOING
TO DROP BY YOUR OFFICE

TO SEE IF YOU HAD
ANY WORDS OF ADVICE

FOR HIS TOUR.

JUST THREE.

KISS. HIS. ASS.

HE'S ONE OF OUR
WEALTHIEST DONORS,

AND HE HASN'T GIVEN US A DIME

SINCE THAT
PERFORMANCE ART FIASCO

LAST YEAR.

I HEARD HE'S VERY CONSERVATIVE.

CONSERVATIVE IS A LITTLE LEFT

OF WHERE HE IS.

HE AND GEORGE W. GREW
UP PLAYING GI JOES TOGETHER.

BE STRATEGIC.

SHOW HIM WHAT HE WANTS TO SEE.

BUT YOU'RE NOT
ASKING ME TO CENSOR

OR SUPPRESS ANY
STUDENT ARTWORK, ARE YOU?

I'M TELLING YOU TO CHOOSE
YOUR BATTLES WISELY, BETTE.

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING HIM?

UM, WELL, I WAS
GOING TO TAKE HIM

TO THE FOUNDATION BUILDING,

AND THEN I WAS GOING TO TAKE HIM

TO JODI LERNER'S
GRADUATE SCULPTURE STUDIO.

GOOD.

JODI WILL IMPRESS HIM.

SKIP IS REALLY INTO BIG NAMES.

I'M SO EXCITED TO MEET HER, TOO.

I MEAN, ORIENTATION
HAD ME SO CRAZY

THAT THIS IS ACTUALLY
THE FIRST TIME I'VE HAD

TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

OH, AND TODAY AT LUNCH

WE SHOULD GO OVER
THE DONORS LIST.

OKAY.

AND I HAVE SOMETHING
FUN TO TELL YOU.

OH.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

I'VE GOT TO SAY, YOU REALLY...

YOU REALLY ARE
RADIATING SOMETHING.

REALLY.

ANYWAY, I'D BETTER GO PREPARE

FOR MY MEETING WITH SKIP.

OKAY.

I JUST HOPE I DON'T
END UP ON OUR CHART.

PHYLLIS, YOU CAN'T END
UP ON THE CHART UNLESS...

FUCK ME.

I'M SORRY.

I'M TRYING TO GET OVER THIS.

I JUST... I FEEL TOSSED ASIDE.

I FEEL LIKE I MISSED THE PARTY.

I FEEL OLD FOR THE FIRST TIME,

WHICH IS REALLY...

BABY...

IF YOU FEEL OLD,

THEN I AM JUST
BACK FROM THE DEAD.

BABY, YOU'RE 36 YEARS OLD,
WITH A 19-YEAR-OLD APPLE BOOTY.

I'M SURE THERE'S A
WHOLE LOT OF ROCK 'N' ROLL

LEFT IN YOU.

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK HOME

AND PLAY YOUR LES PAUL.

UGH. COME ON, BABY.

IT SEEMS LIKE THAT BEAT-UP THING

BRINGS YOUR MOJO BACK.

IT JUST...

YEAH, I'M SORRY. I JUST...

I DON'T REALLY FEEL LIKE
PLAYING GUITAR RIGHT NOW.

WELL, YOU BETTER.

BECAUSE...

I AM GOING TO RECORD

THE SONG THAT YOU WROTE FOR ME

FOR THIS CD.

WHAT, "BAREBACK"?

MM-HMM.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
THAT WAS TOO NASTY.

MM-MM.

I LIKE IT BECAUSE IT'S REALLY,

REALLY, REALLY NASTY.

THAT'S WHY

WE'RE GONNA SING IT TOGETHER.

WHAT, YOU'RE GOING...

YOU'RE GOING TO
DO A DUET WITH ME

ON YOUR NEW RECORD?

YES.

MM-HMM. YES.

SO, WHY DON'T YOU GO
HOME AND REHEARSE.

GET IT GOING. GET IT STARTED.

YOU KNOW, WE'VE GOT A LOT TO DO.

YES, GET THEM HOT FINGERS GOING.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT? YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

SHE CHALLENGED US.

YES, AND SHE'S CALLING
YOU, LIKE, VANILLA SPICE,

AND SHE SAID ALL
WE COULD DO IS SHOP.

BACK TO SCHOOL
NIGHT... WHAT'S THAT?

YES, I'M PEEING.

NO, SHANE, WE HAVE
TO KICK THEIR ASSES,

IS THE POINT.

WEST HOLLYWOOD IS OUR TERRITORY.

WE CAN'T JUST LET THEM HAVE
IT WITHOUT PUTTING UP A FIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH, AND, AND, AND, AND,

SHE SAID, LIKE, 30 OF THE
HOTTEST GIRLS SHOW UP

EVERY SUNDAY.

YEAH.

I KNOW!

OKAY.

OH, GREAT!

I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T
LET DOWN THE TEAM.

OKAY.

UM, WE HAVE TO THINK
OF A GAME PLAN, SO...

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TALK LATER.

OKAY, BYE.

YAY.

OH, GOD!

YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME!

I'M SO SORRY, JODI. YOU
SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME!

I DIDN'T MEAN TO STARTLE YOU.

I'M VERY, VERY SORRY.

I WAS JUST TRYING
TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

SHE DOES NOT LIKE PEOPLE

SNEAKING UP ON HER
WHILE SHE WORKS.

IT BREAKS HER CONCENTRATION,
AND IT FLIPS HER OUT.

I'M SO... WASN'T THINKING.

I'M VERY SORRY.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO...

I WAS JUST TRYING
TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

I'M BETTE PORTER.

YEAH. I'M TOM MATER.

I'M JODI'S INTERPRETER.

OH, NICE TO MEET YOU.

OH, I'M SUCH A HUGE ADMIRER

OF JODI'S WORK.

IF YOU WANT TO SAY
SOMETHING, TALK TO ME, NOT TOM.

YEAH, YOU CAN JUST FACE HER.

SHE WANTS TO BE
ABLE TO READ YOUR LIPS

AND LOOK INTO YOUR EYES.

OH, OKAY.

I'M BETTE PORTER.

I KNOW.

I SAW YOUR INSTALLATION

AT THE HAMMER TWO
YEARS AGO, AND IT WAS JUST...

IT WAS JUST STUNNING,

AND I'M... I'M SO THRILLED

TO HAVE YOU HERE
WORKING WITH US.

THANK YOU.

AND I'M SORRY

THAT OUR FIRST BIT OF BUSINESS

HAS TO BE SO PETTY AND ANNOYING,

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING

THAT I NEED YOUR HELP WITH.

I HOPE YOU'LL BE OKAY WITH THAT.

OH, OKAY.

OKAY.

SO, I WAS AT THE STUDIO,

AT YOUR STUDIO,

AND I WAS LOOKING AT
SOME OF THE STUDENT WORK,

AND IT'S REALLY, PRETTY...

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

I WAS AT YOUR STUDIO,

AND I WAS LOOKING
AT THE STUDENT WORK.

IT'S SO IMPRESSIVE.

I MEAN, THEY'VE CLEARLY

ALREADY BEEN SO AFFECTED BY YOU.

I'M JUST TRYING TO OPEN THEM UP.

YOU KNOW, THEY THINK

THEY'RE ALREADY
FORMED AS ARTISTS,

WHEN THEY SHOULD BE
EXPLORING THEIR OWN INNER VOICES.

YEAH.

UH, THERE'S A RADICAL
SCULPTURE IN THE STUDIO,

WHICH IS CRUDE AND BRILLIANT

AND ENORMOUS.

OH, YOU MEAN LANI
SHIPMAN'S PIECE.

AH, SHE IS SO GIFTED.

A LITTLE INTENSE...

A LITTLE INTENSE?

SHE'S THE PARASITIC
TWIN OF VALERIE SOLANAS.

ANYWAY, MY FIRST DAY HERE,

SHE BROUGHT IT IN,

SAYING HOW WEIRD IT WAS

AND HOW BAD HER
WORK IS, YOU KNOW,

ALL THAT YOUNG
TORTURED ARTIST CRAP,

BUT AFTER THREE
DAYS OF WORKING ON IT

HERE IN THE STUDIO,

SHE FINALLY PULLED HER
HAIR BACK FROM HER EYES,

AND SHE SAID, "I'M
STARTING TO REALIZE IT."

WELL, IT IS POWERFUL, AND...

AND CONFRONTATIONAL,

BUT TODAY I'M
BRINGING SKIP CONNELLY,

ONE OF OUR BIGGEST DONORS,

TO TOUR THE STUDIO, AND I...

OH, I KNOW HIM.

YOU DO?

OH, OBSCENELY WEALTHY.

IMPRESSIONIST ART COLLECTOR.

RIGHT, RIGHT.

SLEEPS WITH THE ENEMY.

HE'S NOT GOING
TO LIKE THAT PIECE.

NO. NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO ASK YOU?

YOU WANT ME TO...

PUT LANI'S PIECE
IN A CORNER UNTIL...

AFTER THE DONOR
HAS DONED, RIGHT?

BUT JUST FOR THE AFTERNOON.

JUST FOR THE AFTERNOON.

THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR UNDERSTANDING.

I REALLY...

I REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

I'M GOING TO GO
MEET WITH HIM NOW,

AND I'M GOING TO BRING
HIM BY A LITTLE BIT LATER.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

CERTAINLY.

UH...

OH, MY GOD...

I AM SO ALLERGIC TO YOU.

HI.

I'D LOVE TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT

WITH DR. SCOTT, PLEASE?

THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.

AN EMERGENCY VET
APPOINTMENT, PLEASE.

UH...

YEAH, CAN SHE SEE ME RIGHT NOW?

OKAY, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

OKAY, GREAT, THANK YOU.

MY NAME?

UH, MY NAME IS, UH...

DEBBIE...

OXNARD.

I WILL BE THERE VERY, VERY SOON.

YOU DON'T LIKE
YOUR FOOD, DO YOU?

I MEAN...

I LIKE IT ALL RIGHT.

I WENT ON THIS RAW FOODS THING

MY SOPHOMORE YEAR.

I WAS REALLY INTO IT,

BUT AFTER ABOUT TWO MONTHS,

I FOUND MYSELF SORT OF...

FALLING UP THE
STAIRS TO MY DORM.

GUESS I NEED MY MEAT.

BROOKE, I REALLY LIKE YOU A LOT.

I REALLY LIKE YOU, TOO, MAX.

I MEAN...

NO GUY HAS EVER WANTED TO
WAIT TO GET TO KNOW ME BETTER

BEFORE HAVING SEX.

I HAVE SOMETHING I HAVE
TO TELL YOU ABOUT MYSELF,

AND I WANT TO EXPLAIN
IT TO YOU, BECAUSE...

I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE
REALLY SPECIAL, YOU KNOW,

AND I DON'T WANT THERE TO
BE ANY SECRETS BETWEEN US.

DON'T TELL ME, LET ME GUESS.

YOU ARE AN ESCAPED CONVICT,
ON THE LAM FROM THE LAW.

NO.

I...

I REALLY TRUST YOU, YOU KNOW?

I JUST...

IT'S ALL NEW TO ME,

THIS WHOLE THING, AND I...

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO TELL ME?

I'VE ALWAYS FELT
LIKE A MAN, INSIDE,

FOR MY WHOLE LIFE,

AND, I MEAN, NOW THAT I
KNOW WHAT THAT FEELING IS...

I'M PHYSICALLY BECOMING ONE.

I'M NOT REALLY SURE I UNDERSTAND

WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME.

UM...

I'M GOING THROUGH A TRANSITION.

I'VE BEEN TAKING TESTOSTERONE

FOR THE PAST YEAR,

AND I'M UNDER THE
CARE OF THIS DOCTOR,

AND I'VE BEEN LIVING AS A MAN,

AND SOON I'M PHYSICALLY
GOING TO BE ONE AS WELL.

I WAS BORN A GIRL,

AND, I MEAN, I KIND OF...

I STILL KIND OF HAVE,
LIKE, A WOMAN'S BODY,

I MEAN, EVEN THOUGH I AM A MAN.

MY GOD. WAIT, BROOKE.

LOOK, I KNOW THIS IS
A LOT TO TAKE IN, BUT...

YOU'RE A FREAK.

I DON'T DATE FREAKS.

HOW DARE YOU?

YOU LIAR.

WAIT...

WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?

JESUS, FUCK.

NO...

YOU FUCKING FREAK.

COME ON, BETTE,
PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE.

I TELL YOU,

IF SOMEBODY WANTED
TO LET ME IN A UNIVERSITY

JUST BECAUSE OF MY COLOR

OR MY ECONOMIC STATUS,

I'D HAVE BEEN INSULTED.

ADMISSION SHOULD
BE BASED ON MERIT,

NOT NEED.

WELL, I THINK THERE ARE A LOT

OF OTHER ISSUES AT STAKE

WITH PROPOSITION 209.

SKIP CONNELLY, LET
ME INTRODUCE YOU

TO OUR ESTEEMED
ARTIST-IN-RESIDENCE,

JODI LERNER.

THIS IS HER
ASSISTANT, TOM MATER.

I'M HER INTERPRETER.

INTERPRETER.

A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU,

MS. LERNER.

I'M VERY CURIOUS TO SEE
WHAT YOU'VE BEEN UP TO

AT MY OLD ALMA MATER.

OH, PLEASE FEEL
FREE TO LOOK AROUND

AT SOME OF THE STUDENTS' WORK.

I HOPE YOU'LL FIND
IT STIMULATING.

THANK YOU.

I THOUGHT WE HAD
AN UNDERSTANDING.

MY UNDERSTANDING WAS THAT
YOU WANTED ME TO CAPITULATE

TO SOME ASSHOLE'S
REPTILIAN POLITICS

TO GET MONEY OUT OF HIM,

AND THAT, I WILL NEVER DO.

NO, ACTUALLY, WHAT
I ASKED YOU TO DO

WAS TO PUT THE
STUDENTS AND UNIVERSITY

AHEAD OF YOUR OWN EGO,

SO WE COULD GET
THE REPTILE'S MONEY

IN ORDER TO MAKE
ART AND NOT BOMBS,

AND YOU AGREED.

THIS IS CALLED

THE "UNAUTHORIZED
ABORTION OF W."

SOME OF THE MOST POWERFUL
STUDENT WORK I'VE SEEN.

IT'S AN ABOMINATION,

AND AN ABUSE OF
UNIVERSITY FUNDS.

WELL, SKIP, DON'T
YOU THINK, REALLY,

THAT THE PRIMARY
MISSION OF A UNIVERSITY

IS TO PROVIDE A SAFE
HAVEN TO EXPLORE IDEAS

AND EXPAND BOUNDARIES?

NOT ON MY DOLLAR.

SKIP, THIS IS ONE ARTIST
AMONG HUNDREDS HERE

WHO'S JUST TRYING OUT HER VOICE.

I MEAN, REALLY, ISN'T THAT WHAT
GRADUATE SCHOOL IS ABOUT?

SUPPORTING...

WELL, I SURE AS HELL
WON'T BE SUPPORTING IT,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD DAY.

SKIP...

JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE,

THEN CALL HIM

AND GIVE HIM THE SPEECH

ABOUT HOW THE IMPRESSIONISTS
WERE MET WITH THE SAME RESPONSE

WHEN THEY DEBUTED
THEIR WORK IN PARIS IN 1874.

NOW ON TOP OF EVERYTHING,

YOU'RE GOING TO TELL
ME HOW TO DO MY JOB?

SHE'S EATEN A QUARTER-POUND
OF KONA COFFEE.

I THINK SHE'S GONE INTO
SOME KIND OF SHOCK.

I'LL GET THE DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY.

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?

OH, JESUS, RICH.

I TURNED AROUND FOR A MINUTE.

ONE MINUTE,

AND SHE WAS ALREADY
HALFWAY THROUGH THE BAG.

OH, MY GOD...

MOLLY.

IT'LL BE OKAY, MOLLY.

WE LOVE YOU.

UM, SOUNDER OXNARD?

ME.

OH, HI.

HI.

YOU CAN COME ON IN.

HOW LONG HAVE
YOU HAD HER, DEBBIE?

ABOUT 11 YEARS,
SINCE SHE WAS A PUPPY.

MY LONGEST RELATIONSHIP.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW
MANY TIMES I'VE HEARD THAT.

GIRL'S BEST FRIEND, HUH?

I'VE BEEN THROUGH THREE
GIRLFRIENDS WITH HER,

AND...

YOU KNOW, THEY LEAVE,

BUT THEN THEY ALWAYS
WANT TO COME BACK

TO VISIT SOUNDER.

DEBBIE...

YOU KNOW THAT
SOUNDER'S PRETTY OLD, HUH,

AND SHE FEELS TO ME LIKE
SHE'S REALLY SLOWED DOWN.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY

IS THAT SOUNDER'S
NOT REALLY SICK,

SHE'S JUST...

I KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

YOUR EYES ARE SWOLLEN.

WELL, DO YOU WANT TO WASH UP?

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING AT ALL?

THANKS.

DEBBIE, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

THIS MUST BE HARD, THIS JOB.

YOU SEEM LIKE A SAINT.

OH, GOD, NO.

NO, NOT REALLY.

I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE DOING
ANYTHING ELSE, YOU KNOW?

MOST KIDS PLAY DOCTOR
WHEN THEY'RE GROWING UP.

I PLAYED VET.

I HAD THIS CAT, TWIGGY.

SHE HAD, LIKE, 300
FAKE OPERATIONS

BY THE TIME I WAS SIX.

THESE GUYS ARE MY
FAMILY, YOU KNOW?

IS IT YOUR WHOLE FAMILY?

ALMOST.

THIS IS MY WHOLE FAMILY.

THIS IS, UM, SPARKY.

HE'S MY PERFECT LITTLE BUDDY,

AND THAT'S STACEY,
MY GIRLFRIEND.

SHE'S A JOURNALIST.

OH, RIGHT.

YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL FAMILY.

THANKS.

SO, IT'S LIKE...

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE
DRYING YOUR NAILS.

DRYING YOUR NAILS.

YOU'RE DRYING YOUR NAILS.

DRYING YOUR NAILS. YOU GOT THAT?

OKAY, BLOCK ME.

COME UP HERE, BLOCK ME.

I'M GOING TO TRY TO SHOOT,
BUT YOU'RE GOING TO THROW IT.

YOU'RE GOING TO...
WHOOSH! YOU KNOW I MEAN?

SO, COME IN,

BUT I'M GOING TO BE LIKE THIS,

BUT THEN YOU HAVE TO...
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SO I'M LIKE THIS. I
COME, AND I'M COMING IN,

BUT YOU'RE THERE,
AND YOU'RE THERE,

AND YOU'RE THERE, BUT I'M...

COME UP, RIGHT?

AND I... OH, LOOK AT THAT.

WELL, YEAH, GREAT, ALICE.

THAT'S GOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH?

I THINK WE NEED TO TAKE A BREAK.

HELENA, WE'VE GOT
THE GAME ON SUNDAY.

WE HAVE TO TRAIN,

AND I STILL HAVE TO TEACH
YOU HOW TO SLAP THE ASSES.

ALICE...

I'VE HAD FIVE JOB
INTERVIEWS TODAY,

ALL RIGHT?

I'M KNACKERED,

AND I'VE JUST RIPPED
YOUR FAVORITE T-SHIRT.

I COULD REALLY DO
WITH A GLASS OF WINE.

OKAY.

UH, HELENA?

YOU MIGHT WANT TO
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS,

BECAUSE YOU JUST GOT IT IN.

OVER THE SHOULDER.

I DID?

OVER YOUR HEAD,
NOT EVEN LOOKING!

I THINK YOU MIGHT BE
OUR SECRET WEAPON.

HUH?

WOW, PHYLLIS, HI!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I JUST DROPPED BY
TO GIVE YOU THIS.

OH...

OH, YEAH, UH, OKAY.

JULIE LONDON, UH-HUH.

I DON'T KNOW HER.

I THOUGHT WE COULD,
UH, LISTEN TO IT NEXT TIME.

SURE.

OH, I WISH I COULD STAY.

I'VE GOT TO RUN.

I'M DESPERATE TO FIND A CATERER

FOR NEXT WEEK'S FUNDRAISER.

MY REGULAR CANCELLED.

WEIRD.

WEIRD AND COINCIDENTAL
THAT HELENA'S HERE,

BECAUSE HELENA IS A CATERER.

I AM?

YES, SHE IS.

I AM. YOU ARE? REALLY?

YEAH, SHE STUDIED AT, UH...

CORDON BLEU.

CORDON BLEU. UH-HUH.

WELL, GREAT. DO YOU HAVE A CARD?

UH, NO. BECAUSE...

BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING THOSE
NEW BUSINESS CARDS MADE UP.

MADE UP. RIGHT.

YEAH. YEAH.

SHE'S GREAT, THOUGH.
YOU SHOULD USE HER.

WELL, ARE YOU FREE
FRIDAY, HELENA?

YEAH.

I'LL CALL YOU. I'VE GOT TO RUN.

I'M-I'M LATE FOR A MEETING
WITH MY PLANNING GROUP.

OH...

OKAY...

OKAY, BYE!

ALICE!

A...

YEAH.

WHAT DID WE JUST GET ME INTO,

AND B,

YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME THAT

THAT SOPHISTICATED, GENTEEL,

INTELLIGENT, LOVELY...

LOVELY?

MATURE WOMAN IS THE SAME ANIMAL

RESPONSIBLE FOR THOSE
HIDEOUSLY LOUD NOISES

EMANATING FROM YOUR
BEDROOM THE OTHER NIGHT?

YEAH.

THAT WOULD BE THE LADY.

UH-HUH.

HOW LONG YOU BEEN IN THE STATES?

I'VE BEEN MIKEY'S NANNY

FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS NOW.

HE'S BECOME LIKE
MY LITTLE BROTHER.

HE LOVES ANGELICA.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN,

EXCEPT ANGELICA FEELS
MORE LIKE MY DAUGHTER.

YOU DON'T LOOK OLD ENOUGH

TO BE ANYBODY'S FATHER.

YOU'RE WAY TOO HOT TO BE A PAPA.

UH, YEAH, WELL,

IT'S THE LEARNING
FUCKING NOTHING,

KEEPS YOU YOUNG.

TINA TOLD ME

YOU PLAY GUITAR IN A BAND.

LET'S FEEL YOUR CALLUSES.

I'M JUST STARTING TO GET SOME.

HMM...

UM, HOW LONG YOU BEEN PLAYING?

ONE MONTH.

MM-HMM.

I KNOW THREE CHORDS.

I'D LOVE TO GET
LESSONS FROM YOU.

YEAH, WELL, I MEAN,

YOU'VE GOT THE THREE CHORDS,

SO IT'S JUST, UH, GETTING
THE STRUM DOWN...

AND THEN YOU'RE GOOD TO GO

ON, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
A MILLION SONGS.

I PRIDE MYSELF

ON BEING GOOD TO GO
FOR A LOT OF THINGS.

YOU KNOW, I, UH...

I HAVEN'T TAUGHT IN
QUITE A WHILE, SO, UM,

I'M PROBABLY PRETTY RUSTY.

I'M NOT.

I AM GOING TO, UH...

GO GET ANGELICA FOR YOU.

ARE THOSE NINES?

YEAH, THESE ARE A NINE, MA'AM.

NO, NO, NO, THEY...
THEY AIN'T NO NINE.

NO, MM-MM.

YOU KNOW WHAT, IT
FEELS REALLY TIGHT.

I'M GOING TO GRAB YOU A 10.

NO, I DON'T WEAR A
DOUBLE-DIGIT SHOE, OKAY, HONEY?

HELENA?

CAN YOU HELP ME GET THIS ON?

SURE.

SHE'LL DO IT.

JUST, YEAH, JUST KIND
OF ANGLE IT AROUND.

OKAY, PUSH, PUSH, PUSH.

OH, KIT, ARE YOU SURE?

COME ON. OH, KIT...

THEY LOOK A BIT...

OW! OOH, OKAY...

SEE?

IT'S OKAY.

I FEEL

LIKE I COULD SLAM-DUNK IN THESE.

PAPI'S GOING DOWN.

WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?

NOTHING. I'M JUST...

I DON'T KNOW, I
JUST KEEP THINKING

ABOUT THIS BACK
TO SCHOOL SCHTICK

I HAVE TO GO TO TONIGHT.

WELL, FIRST OF ALL,

DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE SNEAKS.

SECOND OF ALL, QUIT WORRYING,

AND JUST, LIKE, FLIRT
WITH THE TEACHER.

WHAT ARE YOU BASHING
MY SNEAKERS FOR?

YOU SHOULD TELL HER

YOU'RE GOING TO BECOME
A MEN'S UNDERWEAR MODEL.

OH, YEAH, I'M SO SURE.

SHE'LL THINK IT'S
VERY, VERY SEXY.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO IT?

SHANE, THERE'S
TONS OF MONEY IN IT.

I KNOW, AND I'M NOT DOING IT.

WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A BAD MOOD?

KIT, I REALLY THINK

MAYBE YOU SHOULD
GET A BIGGER SIZE UP.

THEY LOOK TINY.

NO, NO, THEY PERFECTLY FIT.

THEY REALLY DO.

HEY, JENNY?

YEAH?

GIRL, I LOVE YOU,

BUT YOU SMELLING
LIKE AN OLD DOG TODAY.

WHAT IS IT?

OH, UM...

WELL, IT'S BECAUSE
I'VE BEEN WORKING OUT.

YOU KNOW, GETTING
READY FOR THE BIG GAME.

YEAH. YEAH.

WHEN DID TRAINERS
GET THAT EXPENSIVE?

WE'RE GOING TO GO, SWEETIE.

REALLY?

UH, LET ME SEE, IN 1980?

YOU GOT THE SHOTS, HELENA.

NOW YOU NEED THE SHOES.

WELL, JUST EXPLAIN
TO ME THE NAME.

WAS IT THE BOUGIE ASS...

BOUGIE, BABY.

COME ON, THE BOURGEOISIE.

YOU KNOW, THE UPPER
CLASS, THE UPPER CRUST.

YEAH, I'M JUST TAKING
PAPI'S PUTDOWN,

AND I'M USING IT TO EMPOWER US.

MA'AM, YOUR TOES ARE HITTING
THE FRONT OF THOSE SHOES.

I'LL TAKE THEM.

LIZA LOU'S ENVIRONMENTAL
SCULPTURE,

KITCHEN.

IT TOOK HER FIVE YEARS
TO COMPLETE THIS WORK,

WHICH IS MADE UP OF

MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF
TINY COLORED GLASS BEADS.

CAN YOU DESCRIBE THE
ARTIST'S EXPERIENCE?

YOU KNOW, THE THING THAT WE
TALKED ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT?

YES, OF COURSE, NADIA.

LIZA LOU DESCRIBES THE
ACT OF MAKING THESE HUGE,

LABOR-INTENSIVE WORKS

AS BEING LIKE PRAYER,

A MYSTICAL EXPERIENCE
COMPARABLE IN SOME WAYS

TO RELIGIOUS MARTYRDOM...

YEAH, BUT DIDN'T
MOST OF THE CRITICS

EQUATE HER

WITH THE FEMINIST
ARTISTS OF THE 1970s?

YES, SOME OF THE EARLIER WORKS.

YES, LIKE KITCHEN, THAT'S TRUE,

IN THAT A KITCHEN IS USUALLY
EQUATED WITH WOMEN'S WORK,

BUT HERE,

WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT THE DEVOTIONAL

RATHER THAN THE MUNDANE,

OR THE WAYS IN WHICH
THE MUNDANE IS ELEVATED

TO THE REALM OF
MYSTICAL EXPERIENCE.

IN FACT, JEANETTE WINTERSON,

WHO HAS WRITTEN EXTENSIVELY

ABOUT THE TRANSFORMING
POWER OF LIZA LOU'S WORK HAS SAID,

"WHAT ART DOES

"IS COAX US AWAY
FROM THE MECHANICAL

TOWARD THE MIRACULOUS."

AGAIN, "WHAT ART DOES

"IS COAX US AWAY
FROM THE MECHANICAL

AND TOWARD THE MIRACULOUS."

WHAT WAS THE WORD AGAIN?

NUMINOUS.

IT MEANS DIVINE,

MAJESTIC, THAT WHICH
IS WHOLLY OTHER.

MOVING ON TO SARAH VANDER...

OH, I JUST...

I WANTED TO TELL YOU
THAT THE TIME IS UP.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT SARAH
VANDERLIP NEXT WEEK.

IN THE MEANTIME,

I WANT YOU TO STUDY
KATHARINA FRITSCH'S "MOUSE"

THAT WE VIEWED EARLIER,

AND COMPARE IT

WITH DUCHAMP'S "BICYCLE WHEEL",

AND START THINKING
ABOUT THE ARTIST'S USE

OF EVERYDAY OBJECTS.

NADIA, I'D LIKE A WORD WITH YOU.

I THINK I'D LIKE MORE
THAN THAT WITH YOU.

NADIA...

JUST LISTEN TO ME.

YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL GIRL,

AND I HAD A WONDERFUL
TIME WITH YOU,

BUT WHAT HAPPENED
CAN NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

I THINK YOU'RE BEING

OVERLY SENSITIVE TO ME.

NO, I'M BEING VERY SERIOUS.

WE MADE A MISTAKE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

I UNDERSTAND

THAT YOU WANT ME
AS MUCH AS I WANT YOU.

IT'S OVER,

AND THAT'S FINAL.

OKAY, I'M SORRY.

I'LL BE MORE CAREFUL
AROUND CAMPUS.

IF YOU CONTINUE TO IGNORE
WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU,

THEN I'M GOING TAKE
DISCIPLINARY ACTION,

AND I WILL TAKE
THE CONSEQUENCES,

BELIEVE ME.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME NOW?

I'M SORRY, DEAN PORTER.

I UNDERSTAND THAT
YOU'RE SERIOUS.

BUBBLEOLOGY IS A
HANDS-ON PROGRAM.

THE CHILDREN WILL LEARN
ABOUT GAS, EVAPORATION,

GRAVITY, PHYSICS,

SURFACE TENSION, PRISMS,

MANY, MANY OTHER THINGS

ALL THROUGH THE
STUDY OF BUBBLES.

SO, IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS,

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK ME,

AND HELP YOURSELF
TO REFRESHMENTS.

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS BACK
TO SCHOOL OF ROCK NIGHT.

MAYBE PATTI SMITH'S JUST HERE

FOR THE FREE FOOD.

IGNORE THEM.

SOMETIMES,

BEING A PARENT CAUSES DEMENTIA

WITH SIDE EFFECTS OF PETTINESS.

RIGHT.

I'M PAIGE SOBEL.

HI.

I'M JARED'S MOM.

HI. I'M SHANE.

I'M HERE FOR MY
LITTLE BROTHER, SHAY.

WELL, IT'S REALLY
GREAT THAT YOU CAME.

I'M SURE IT MEANS A LOT TO SHAY.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW.

HE DOESN'T TALK TO ME MUCH.

SOUND LIKE A TYPICAL BOY.

JARED NEVER ASKS
ME FOR ANYTHING,

EXCEPT MORE TOY GUNS

AND SKATEBOARD STUFF.

WELL, YOU SHOULD
TAKE HIM TO MY SHOP.

WE DO CUSTOM BOARDS.

YOU HAVE A SKATEBOARD SHOP?

I DO, YEAH.

WE HAVE EQUIPMENT AND BOARDS

AND A HALF PIPE IN THE BACK.

WHOLE THING.

WE SHOULD DO A PLAY
DATE WITH THE BOYS THERE.

YEAH.

SURE.

HELLO, PAIGE.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

WELCOME.

BYE.

I'M SALLY RAPSON.

HEY, SHANE McCUTCHEON.

I'M SHAY'S SISTER.

I COULD HAVE GUESSED.

YOU LOOK ALIKE.

SHAY'S A BRIGHT BOY.

HE SEEMS TO BE ADJUSTING
FAIRLY WELL, CONSIDERING.

GOOD, GOOD.

HE HAS A LITTLE TROUBLE
WITH HIS CONCENTRATION,

AND HIS PARTICIPATION
ISN'T QUITE

WHERE I'D LIKE IT TO BE,

BUT I THINK IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL

IF YOU WOULD THINK
ABOUT GETTING HIM INVOLVED

IN SOME ACTIVITIES.

RIGHT, UH...

LOOK, MA'AM, I DON'T...

I DON'T KNOW HOW
HELPFUL I CAN BE

IN THIS DEPARTMENT.

I'M MEAN, I'M JUST...

I'M LITERALLY JUST FILLING IN,

AND, YOU KNOW, I KNOW
HE MISSES HIS FAMILY A LOT.

LET ME SHOW YOU
SOMETHING, SHANE.

JUST OVER HERE.

SURE.

I CANNOT BELIEVE
YOU FUCKED MY BOSS.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE
CONSEQUENCES OF THIS?

REALLY INTENSE, GREAT ORGASMS?

I'M SERIOUS, ALICE.

SHE'S NEVER BEEN
WITH A WOMAN BEFORE.

SHE COULD'VE FOOLED ME.

OH, BETTE, JUST CHILL.

I MEAN, EVERYBODY HAS
THEIR FIRST TIME, OKAY?

AND I HAVE TO SAY,
I'M A VERY GOOD FIRST.

SHE'S NOT JUST SOME
GIRL ON YOUR CHART.

ALL RIGHT?

PHYLLIS IS THE EXECUTIVE
VICE CHANCELLOR

OF A MAJOR UNIVERSITY.

MARRIED WITH CHILDREN,
CONSIDERABLY OLDER THAN YOU.

RIGHT, EXACTLY,

WHICH IS WHY I THOUGHT
THAT SHE WOULD, YOU KNOW...

SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING.

COME ON, IT'S ALL ABOUT

ME BROADENING MY HORIZONS
RIGHT NOW, OKAY, AND I...

I LIKED TRYING AN OLDER VINTAGE.

WELL, I JUST HOPE IT DOESN'T
BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE,

OR MINE, MORE TO THE POINT.

OKAY, BUT WHEN SHE
ATE ME OUT, IT WAS...

NO, NO, NO, LA LA LA LA LA!

NO!

OKAY, I'M NOT GOING TO LET
THIS GET OUT OF HAND, I PROMISE.

THANK YOU.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT
BASKETBALL NOW?

I HAVEN'T PLAYED BASKETBALL

SINCE JUNIOR YEAR
IN HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU PLAYED IN HIGH SCHOOL?

OKAY, LISTEN, WE NEED YOU,

BECAUSE OUR HONOR IS AT STAKE.

I DON'T HAVE TIME, ALICE.

I'M NOT INTO THAT COMPETITIVE
TEAM SPORT THING ANYMORE.

IT'S JUST GOING TO BE A
COUPLE OF HOURS SUNDAY,

AND IT'LL GIVE YOU A GOOD
CHANCE TO HANG WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

I HAVE A REPORT DUE.

I HAVE A SPEECH
THAT I HAVE TO WRITE

FOR THE DONORS RECEPTION.

I HAVE FIVE BUDGETS...

I'M GOING TO CALL PHYLLIS,

AND I AM GOING TO TELL
HER TO ORDER YOU TO PLAY.

OH, SHE'LL DO ANYTHING
I WANT RIGHT NOW.

ANYTHING.

OH, IT'S SO CLEVER. I
CAN'T BELIEVE MYSELF.

OW!

YEAH...

ALL RIGHT.

HERE. PASS IT HERE.

COME ON, GIRL.

YEAH...

ALL RIGHT, CHECK IT.

YO.

YEAH.

NICE.

YOU GOT A PRETTY
TEAM HERE, ALICE.

YEAH, WE'RE JUST
HERE TO PLAY, PAPI.

ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, I GOT TO
GET OFF THE PHONE.

OKAY, BYE.

I'M GONNA COVER YOU.

OKAY.

HEY, EVERYBODY.

HEY, BLONDIE.

YOU MADE IT.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE, TINA?

I, UH, DECIDED TO PLAY.

WHERE'S ANGELICA?

SHE'S WITH ANGUS
AND HAZEL. SHE'S FINE.

BUT IT'S A LESBIAN GAME, TINA.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?

YOU'RE AN HONORARY
LESBIAN, KIT. COME ON.

THAT'S FINE, JENNY.

I STILL IDENTIFY AS A LESBIAN.

YEAH, BUT WHEN YOU
WALK DOWN THE STREET

WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND,

HOLDING YOUR BOYFRIEND'S HAND,

ENJOYING ALL THE
HETEROSEXUAL PRIVILEGES,

YOU STOP BEING A LESBIAN.

DEPENDS ON WHAT COLOR
HETEROSEXUAL YOU ARE

THAT GETS YOU ALL
THEM PRIVILEGES.

TINA, I DON'T THINK IT MAKES

A GODDAMN DIFFERENCE.

I DON'T KNOW, I MEAN,

IF TINA WANTS TO
IDENTIFY AS A LESBIAN,

ISN'T THAT HER CHOICE?

WHY DON'T YOU
JUST BE A BISEXUAL?

ACTUALLY, I THINK OF LESBIAN
AS A POLITICAL IDENTITY,

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

NO, IT'S NOT.

IT'S NOT ABOUT WHO YOU VOTE FOR.

IT'S ABOUT WHO YOU FUCK.

HEY...

WE DON'T CARE
WHO YOU'RE FUCKING.

COME ON, PLAY WITH
US. LET'S DO THIS.

LET'S GO.

YOU GUYS! E ON, YEAH, COOL.

ALL RIGHT!

SO, YOU'RE MY
COMPETITION, VANILLA?

WHATEVER YOU SAY, POPS.

SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.

OKAY.

COME ON.

WHAT YOU DOING, RODEO DRIVE?

SHOPPING, BITCH.

OVER HERE!

ALICE! ALICE!

COME ON, ALICE. ALICE, HERE!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

NICE, NICE, NICE, NICE, NICE.

WHAT? I TOLD YOU.

PUT THE FUCKING COFFEE DOWN.

PUT IT DOWN.

ARE WE AT THE PLANET RIGHT NOW?

I DON'T THINK SO,

BUT I TOLD YOU NOT
TO PASS IT TO ME.

STOP FUCKING FOULING ME!

STOP FUCKING
TRAVELING WITH THE BALL.

ALL RIGHT, BETTE!

NICE JOB, RODEO.

YOU'RE NOT AS
TENDER AS YOU LOOK.

BUT I WILL STILL
KICK YOUR MICRO ASS.

YEAH, OKAY, DAD.

LET'S PLAY.

ALL RIGHT, GO, COME ON, COME ON.

OH, YOU SUCK.

GO TO THE BALL.

GOT TO THE GODDAMN BALL.

OKAY...

ALL RIGHT, OKAY, OKAY!

YEAH?

OKAY, COME ON, GIRLS.

COME ON, SET IT UP.

SET IT UP.

ALICE!

ALICE!

ALICE, GO FOR IT!
YOU'VE GOT THE BALL!

WHAT YOU DOIN', GIRL?

I'M JUST TRYING

TO GET TO KNOW MY COMPETITION.

COME ON, MOVE YOUR ASS!

I CAN'T! I CAN'T RUN. MY
SHOES ARE KILLING ME!

JENNY!

DON'T... DON'T TOUCH ME.

MOVE.

GO.

SHOOT, JENNY.

YIKES!

GODDAMN IT!

GO, GO, GO, GO!

OH, CAREFUL, CAREFUL! MY HEAD!

GODDAMN IT! WE'RE LOSING.

BETTE!

WHAT?

YOU'RE SCARING ME.

BALL IN.

WE'RE JUST PLAYING HOOPS, BETTE.

JUST A LITTLE GAME OF HOOPS.

YOU'RE THE ONE

WHO STARTED THIS BULLSHIT.

OKAY!

OVER HERE!

SHOOT IT! OH!

FOULED ME!

FUCKING FOUL, MARISSA!

TWO FROM THE LINE FOR
MY BRITISH BOMBSHELL.

OH, IT LOOKS LIKE OUR
SECRET WEAPON JUST ARRIVED.

COME ON, HELENA!

GOOD WEAPON FOR US.

DO THAT THING.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

IN YOUR FACE, PAPI.

28 TO 3. WHOOM!

GIRL, YOU GOTTA GO IN.
BITCH STEPPED ON MY FOOT.

FUCK...

GOOD TEAM, GUYS. GOOD TEAM.

COME ON, SHANE!

GO, SHANE! GO ON!

OVER HERE!

NICE...

DON'T BE MAD, BROWN BARBIE.

WHO THE FUCK YOU
CALLING BROWN BARBIE,

YOU FUCKING CARMELITA TROPICANA?

HEY, SHANE! I'M JUST PLAYING.

SHANE,

SHAY FELL OFF HIS BOARD.

WHAT?

TIME OUT, EVERYONE.

HEY, BETTE...

NO, NO, NO, IT'S
OKAY. I GOT IT, I GOT IT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

HE FELL ON HIS ARM.

IT LOOKS REALLY BAD, YOU GUYS.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

SEEMS LIKE

WE MIGHT HAVE TO
POSTPONE THE GAME, PAPI.

WE GOING TO GET
YOUR ASS NEXT TIME.

OH, REALLY?

YEAH.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

OW, MY DOGS ARE KILLING ME.

I DON'T THINK I'M
GOING TO BE ABLE

TO WALK TOMORROW.

WILL SOMEBODY TELL ME

WHEN BASKETBALL

BECAME THIS NEW LESBIAN SPORT?

IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN.

THE WNBA IS JUST...

THEY RUN FROM IT,

WHICH IS PART OF THE REASON

THEY DON'T MAKE ANY MONEY.

THEY DON'T WANT TO BE ASSOCIATED

WITH THEIR CORE AUDIENCE.

THAT'S SAD.

I THOUGHT SOFTBALL WAS, LIKE,

THE BIG DYKEY SPORT.

THANK YOU.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT RUGBY?

I DON'T KNOW.

YEAH, AND THERE'S GOLF.

THERE'S THAT ROSIE JONES WOMAN

OR SOMETHING.

AND THERE'S TENNIS.

YEAH, THERE'S
MARTINA, AND, UM...

WELL, HERE'S TO
THE BOUGIE ASSES.

YES. YEAH.

CHEERS.

YEAH, GOOD GAME.

I MEAN, WE TRIED, RIGHT?

YEAH, WE DID ALL RIGHT.

AND TO SHAY.

SHAY TOOK ONE FOR THE TEAM.

YEAH, TO SHAY. TO SHAY.

THE NEXT TIME WE PLAY,

I WANT TO GET
EVERYBODY TOGETHER,

AND HAVE, YOU KNOW, A PRACTICE,

SO WE CAN BEAT THEM.

YEAH, JENNY. YES, ALICE.

WE PRACTICED.

ME? ALICE!

WHAT?

SINCE YOU DON'T
HAVE ANY INSURANCE,

WE'LL BE BILLING YOU DIRECTLY

FOR THE CHARGES.

OKAY, THAT'S FINE.

JUST TELL ME HOW MUCH IT IS.

COMPOUND COMMINUTED FRACTURE.

THEY RESET THE BONE.

THAT PROCEDURE
RUNS AROUND $5,000.

THE HOSPITAL BILL
WILL BE NO LESS

THAN $4,000.

THEN THERE'S $1,000 FOR
THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST.

THEN THERE'S X-RAYS
AND THE DOCTOR'S FEES.

HE'S GOING TO NEED
FOLLOWUP EXAMS,

CAST REMOVAL.

THAT'LL PROBABLY RUN
YOU ANOTHER FIVE GRAND.

FUCK...

FUCK.

WHERE AM I GOING TO
COME UP WITH THAT MONEY?

THANK YOU.

I TOLD YOU SHE WAS PERFECT.

♪ YOU GOT THEM
ALL BY THE BALLS ♪

♪ CAUSIN' WATERFALLS ♪

♪ STONE WALLS, BAR BRAWLS ♪

♪ COMMON STALLS
AT CONCERT HALLS ♪

♪ TO YOU THEY CRAWL
BODIES SPRAWL ♪

♪ SMOKIN' PALL MALLS ♪

♪ CLOSE CALL, STAND TALL ♪

♪ DOLL, YOU MAKE
THEM FEEL SO SMALL ♪

♪ AND THEY LOVE IT ♪

♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

♪ THE BOYS WANNA BE HER ♪

♪ THE GIRLS WANNA BE HER ♪

♪ THE BOYS WANNA BE HER ♪

♪ THE GIRLS WANNA BE HER ♪

♪ THE BOYS WANNA BE HER ♪

♪ THE GIRLS WANNA BE HER ♪

♪ THE BOYS WANNA BE HER ♪

♪ I WANNA BE HER ♪

♪ YES, I DO ♪

♪ THE WAY YOU ROCK DON'T STOP ♪

♪ GIRL, YOU GOT THE CHOPS ♪

♪ FLIP-FLOP, SHE-BOP
SELF-TAUGHT ♪

♪ YOUR LICKS ARE HOT ♪

♪ HER LYRICS HEAVE
KIDS RECEIVE ♪

♪ CRAWLING UP THE SLEEVE ♪

♪ PARENTS PEEVED
CAN'T CONCEIVE ♪

♪ THAT INDEED
WE'LL NEVER LEAVE ♪

♪ AND WE LOVE IT ♪

♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

♪ THE BOYS WANNA BE HER ♪

♪ THE GIRLS WANNA BE HER ♪

♪ THE BOYS WANNA BE HER ♪

♪ THE GIRLS WANNA BE HER ♪

♪ THE BOYS WANNA BE HER ♪

♪ THE GIRLS WANNA BE HER ♪

♪ THE BOYS WANNA BE HER ♪

♪ I WANNA BE HER... ♪

YEAH.