The L Word (2004–2009): Season 4, Episode 3 - Lassoed - full transcript

PREVIOUSLY ON THE L WORD...

THIS IS MAX SWEENEY.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

THAT'S SWEET.

LET ME TEACH YOU HOW TO BE BAD.

YOU GET TO STAY.

I NEED YOU TO DO ONE
LAST THING FOR ME.

HE SENT YOU TO FIRE ME?

IT WAS A POWER TRIP.

HE'S A SCUMBAG.

I'VE NEVER HAD AN ABORTION.



IT MUST BE REALLY HARD.

I FEEL SO SAD FOR ANGUS.

YOU CAN BE SAD
FOR YOURSELF, TOO.

YOU'RE PAPI.

ACTUALLY, IT'S
PRONOUNCED PAH-PI.

I CAN MAKE A WOMAN
COME JUST BY KISSING HER.

WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU WERE GOING TO GO?

HOME. I'M YOUR HOME NOW, OKAY?

IT'S ILLEGAL TO KEEP A
CHILD OUT OF SCHOOL.

WELL, LET THEM ARREST ME.

YOU PICK A T.A. YET?

NADIA. NADIA KARELLA.

YOU'RE THE MOST GLAMOROUS DEAN

THEY'VE HAD IN YEARS.



WE CALL HER
"HEADS-WILL-ROLL KROLL",

BECAUSE SHE FIRES AT
LEAST ONE DEAN A YEAR.

I THINK I'M A LESBIAN, BETTE.

OH.

I ONLY CHOOSE BOOKS TO REVIEW

THAT HOLD SIGNIFICANCE TO ME.

WHY DOES SOME OF HER PARTS

HOLD SIGNIFICANCE TO YOU?

MY PARTNER'S A SURVIVOR.

"SELF-INDULGENT
AND SELF-PITYING"?

FUCK YOU, STACEY MERKIN!

FUCK YOU!

STACEY!

STACEY!

♪ GIRLS IN TIGHT DRESSES
WHO DRAG WITH MUSTACHES ♪

♪ CHICKS DRIVING FAST
INGENUES WITH LONG LASHES ♪

♪ WOMEN WHO LONG, LOVE,
LUST WOMEN WHO GIVE ♪

♪ THIS IS THE WAY IT'S
THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ TALKING, LAUGHING
LOVING, BREATHING ♪

♪ FIGHTING, FUCKING
CRYING, DRINKING ♪

♪ WRITING, WINNING
LOSING, CHEATING ♪

♪ KISSING, THINKING, DREAMING ♪

♪ THIS IS THE WAY... ♪

♪ IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ AND LOVE ♪

HMM? HMM.

MM-HMM.

OOH! THIS IS THE ONE.

ASSOCIATION OF
AMERICAN UNIVERSITIES

DIGITAL TECHNOLOGY CONFERENCE.

YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU JUST...

TAKE THAT WITH YOU.

JUST FIND OUT WHO TOOK
PART IN THE MEDIA LAB

AND MAKE ME A LIST

WITH THE BIOS AND
CONTACT INFORMATION, OKAY?

DO YOU HAVE A KNOT?

DO YOU NEED ME TO UNLOCK IT?

IT'S... IT'S OKAY.

NO, REALLY.

IT'S FINE.

OH, WOW.

YOU ARE REALLY TIGHT.

GOD, DO YOU FEEL THAT?

NADIA, PLEASE...

IT'S RIGHT THERE.

DO YOU WANT ME TO
FIND YOU A BODYWORKER,

BECAUSE, OH, MY GOSH,

I HAVE THE MOST AMAZING
AYURVEDIC HEALER,

AND HE WENT SO DEEP...

I-I-I PREFER A WOMAN.

WELL...

THAT CAN BE
ARRANGED, DEAN PORTER.

ACTUALLY, I'M FINE, NADIA.

I JUST, UH...

I JUST NEED TO FIND OUT

WHAT CONFERENCES

C.U. HAS HOSTED.

I KNOW THAT WE DID

THE GLOBAL
SUSTAINABILITY LAST AUGUST.

WHERE DR. GORSHAM

SUSTAINED MULTIPLE HICKEYS

FROM HIS TWO
TEACHING ASSISTANTS.

YOU MEAN HE SLEPT
WITH BOTH OF THEM?

DON'T BE SHOCKED.

IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

WELL, THAT DOESN'T
MAKE IT ACCEPTABLE.

NO, BUT WE'RE ALL ADULTS, BETTE.

I MEAN, IN A CLOISTERED
ENVIRONMENT

LIKE A UNIVERSITY,

IT WOULD BE ABSURD TO THINK

THAT THERE WEREN'T RELATIONSHIPS
BETWEEN FACULTY AND STUDENTS.

I HADN'T GIVEN IT MUCH
THOUGHT, TO BE HONEST, NADIA.

WELL...

I KNOW THE STUDENTS
IN YOUR COLLEGE HAVE.

I KNOW AT LEAST 20 WHO
WOULD LOVE TO BE WITH YOU.

THAT'S VERY FLATTERING.

I HATE THAT I'M JUST
ONE OF THE PACK.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S DO THIS.

I AM GOING TO NEED TO SEE

SOME KIND OF PAPERWORK.

I DON'T HAVE A
BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

L.A.U.S.D. REQUIRES

COMPLETE HEALTH AND
IMMUNIZATION RECORDS.

HAS SHAY BEEN VACCINATED?

HAVE YOU BEEN VACCINATED?

I THINK SO.

DO YOU KNOW THE
NAME OF YOUR DOCTOR?

NO.

DID YOU GO TO A PUBLIC CLINIC?

DOES HE HAVE ANY,
UH... ANY ALLERGIES?

ANY LEARNING DISABILITIES,
PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS?

DO YOU?

NAH. DOUBT IT.

LISTEN TO ME. OVER HERE.

HOW DID HE DO ON HIS STANFORD 9?

I DON'T HAVE ANY OF
THIS INFORMATION, SO...

WHY DON'T YOU TELL
ME WHAT YOU DO KNOW...

I'M SORRY WE'RE
WASTING YOUR TIME.

YOU'RE NOT WASTING...
GET YOUR STUFF.

MY MOM WAS PROUD OF ME
FOR MY SCORE ON THAT TEST.

HOLD ON.

MR. PETERSEN.

LOOK, I'M NOT A...

OKAY, I DON'T... I
DON'T KNOW THAT KID.

I MEAN, HE'S MY
HALF-BROTHER, BUT...

BUT I DON'T KNOW HIM.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE
THE PARENTS ARE?

YEAH, OUR, UH...

OUR FATHER BAILED ON HIM,
WHICH HE ALSO DID TO ME,

AND HIS MOTHER
IS MENTALLY UNFIT.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE IS?

NO.

AND BEFORE YOU ASK,

I DON'T KNOW WHEN
SHE'LL BE COMING BACK.

BUT LISTEN, I KNOW THIS.

I'M NOT GOING TO LET SHAY
LIVE IN SOME HOMELESS SHELTER

THE WAY I DID WHEN I WAS A KID.

OKAY?

BECAUSE, I MEAN, THE TRUTH IS

HE'S...

HE'S IN A NICE HOUSE
IN SPAULDING SQUARE,

RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER
FROM THIS NICE SCHOOL,

AND HE NEEDS TO BE HERE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I MEAN, LISTEN...

I PROMISE YOU, I WILL...

I'LL GET YOU WHATEVER YOU NEED.

I SWEAR IT.

BUT I'M BEGGING YOU

TO PLEASE JUST LET
HIM GO TO SCHOOL HERE.

PLEASE.

THAT IS SO FUCKING GROSS.

SO I FOUND AN S. MERKIN.

TUNA.

EW.

IN VAN NUYS,

WHICH, OF COURSE,

IS WHERE THAT VAGINA
WAG'S GOING TO LIVE.

SO...

"VAGINA WAG"?

MERKIN.

OH, MERKIN. STACEY MERKIN.

SO, UM, I GO TO THE HOUSE,

AND I'M STANDING OUT FRONT,

AND I'M, LIKE, "YO, STACEY!

"COME HERE AND SAY
IT TO MY FUCKING FACE,

YOU FUCKING VAGINA!"

AND SO GUESS WHO COMES DOWN.

IT'S, LIKE, THIS LITTLE, LIKE,

90-YEAR-OLD KOREAN LADY

THAT'S, LIKE, "LOOK
WHAT TIME IT IS.

"IT IS 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

I'M GOING TO CALL
THE POLICE ON YOU!"

YOU WERE YELLING
UNDER HER BALCONY

AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING?

I WAS, BUT DID YOU
READ THE REVIEW?

YES.

IT WAS FUNDAMENTALLY
DISHONEST, SO...

OH, YEAH. I MEAN, YEAH.

I MEAN, LESBIANS
LOVE TO EAT THEIR OWN.

IT'S TRUE.

AND THE THING IS,

THE VAGINA'S GIRLFRIEND
WAS MOLESTED,

AND NOW SHE'S, LIKE,
THIS PERFECT SAINT,

WHICH IS AWESOME,

AND, YOU KNOW, I WAS ABUSED,

AND I'M, LIKE, THIS
FUCKED-UP NITWIT.

BUT THAT'S MY EXPERIENCE,
AND THAT'S MINE,

AND I DON'T KNOW
WHY SHE'S SLAMMING ME

FOR MY OWN EXPERIENCE, YOU KNOW?

RIGHT. I GET IT.

I TOTALLY GET IT.

I'M JUST SAYING I THINK
YOU SHOULD LET IT GO.

IT'S A TINY MAGAZINE.

I MEAN, WHO READS IT?

I WILL LET IT GO.

AND DIDN'T ELLE SAY
SOMETHING GREAT

ABOUT, WHAT,
"REFRESHINGLY LITERATE"?

THAT'S HUGE.

THAT'S ELLE.

CONCENTRATE ON THAT.

RIGHT.

I'LL LET IT GO.

CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?

WHAT?

I MET PAPI.

NO! WHAT HAPPENED?

OH, THE LEGEND TRANSCENDS.

SHE'S A WALKING, LIVING,
BREATHING LOTHARIO.

AND? AND I TOTALLY FELL FOR IT.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

UM, WELL, YOU KNOW...

DID YOU FUCK HER?

YEAH... OH, MY GOD.

OKAY, WE WERE IN THE BACK

OF THIS SUPER-TRICKED-OUT
STRETCH.

UH-HUH. IT WAS HOT.

SHE WAS FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE.

WAS SHE GOOD? YEAH.

SHE'S BEEN WITH A
LOT OF GIRLS, SO...

LIKE SHANE?

NO, MORE THAN SHANE. OH, MY GOD.

OKAY, TO GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE...

I WASN'T SURE IF I
SHOULD TELL YOU,

BUT SHE WAS, UH, WITH
HELENA THE SAME DAY.

WELL, THE MORNING
OF THE NIGHT AFTER

THAT WE HAD...

SHE FUCKED HELENA RIGHT
AFTER SHE FUCKED YOU?

YOUR ROOMMATE?

THAT'S SO RUDE.

NO, BUT THAT'S HER. THAT'S PAPI.

OH, MY GOD.

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
RELATIONSHIPS AND HER,

THEY DON'T EXIST IN
THE SAME UNIVERSE.

OKAY.

BUT SHE DOESN'T
KNOW THAT I KNOW.

HI. HI.

WHAT A FUCKING DISASTER.

YEAH.

I'VE HAD THREE JOB
INTERVIEWS TODAY.

EITHER I'M OVER-QUALIFIED OR
I HAVE NO SKILLS WHATSOEVER.

MY C.V. DOESN'T EVEN GET ME IN

FOR A JOB AS A RECEPTIONIST.

WHAT'S A C.V.?

MY RESUME.

WHY ARE YOU APPLYING...

THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME

WON'T EVEN BELIEVE
THAT I'M DESTITUTE.

BUT WHY ARE YOU APPLYING
FOR A JOB AS A RECEPTIONIST?

I WOULD PRETTY MUCH
DO ANY JOB RIGHT NOW

THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE
SEX OR TOUCHING INSECTS.

OTHERWISE,

I'M GOING TO BE
STUCK HERE WITH ALICE

IN HER SWEET LITTLE ONE-BEDROOM.

YEAH.

I'M GLAD YOU
BROUGHT UP THAT, UM...

THE ONE BEDROOM.

UM, I JUST... I...

WE NEVER HAD THAT
ROOMMATE RULE TALK.

I'M GOING TO GO. NO.

UM, I'LL GIVE YOU MINE.

I'LL START WITH ME.

UM, OKAY, LIKE,

I FEEL LIKE THIS WOULD BE

YOUR BOUNDARY OF YOUR SPACE,

SO ANYTHING IN YOUR SPACE,

YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR.

AND THEN, THIS WOULD
BE, YOU KNOW, MY SPACE,

AND ANYTHING IN MY SPACE

IS MINE,

UM, WHICH INCLUDES MY
OFFICE SPACE, WHICH...

I'LL KIND OF SHOW YOU
WHERE THAT STARTS.

SHIFT YOU HERE...

THIS IS MY OFFICE SPACE,

MY WORK SPACE,

AND, UM,

I'M TIDY.

I'M A TIDY PERSON, AND
I LIKE TO KEEP THIS TIDY.

BUT THEN WE HAVE, YOU KNOW,

THE KITCHEN WOULD BE OUR SPACE,

KIND OF, SPACES,

AND THEN, I FEEL LIKE
THE UNTIDY PERSON

SHOULD ABIDE BY THE
TIDY PERSON'S RULES.

SO, DID YOU, UM,
DID YOU HAVE ANY?

JUST THAT MY PRATESI SHEETS...

DON'T PUT THEM IN
THE WASHING MACHINE,

BECAUSE...

MM-HMM, WE'LL TALK ABOUT THAT.

SHEETS.

HELLO...

HEY, BETTE.

HUH?

WHAT ABOUT HENRY AND
TINA'S COCKTAIL PARTY?

TINA AND HENRY'S COCKTAIL PARTY?

UH, NO, I DON'T
BELIEVE I WAS INVITED.

WELL, IT'S NOT
YOUR FAULT, ALICE.

OH, MY GOD, THAT SOUNDS AWFUL.

SHE DID NOT SAY,

"A MIXER FOR OUR GAY AND
OUR STRAIGHT FRIENDS"?

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE STILL
COMING TO THE PLANET TONIGHT.

KIT IS SO EXCITED ABOUT
THIS NEW EVENT PLANNER.

APPARENTLY THEY DO THESE
CRAZY, HOT WOMEN'S PARTIES.

OH, ALICE, I'VE GOT TO GO.

YEAH.

SO, I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT?

GREAT. SEE YOU LATER, THEN. BYE.

PHYLLIS.

I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE
TO KNOW THE COMMITTEE

APPROVED YOUR BUDGET TO
START RESEARCHING THE COST

OF CREATING THAT MEDIA LAB.

SO YOU'RE TELLING ME

THAT I HAVE A BUDGET
TO DEVELOP A BUDGET?

WELCOME TO ACADEMIA.

OH, DID YOU HEAR THAT
JODI LERNER REQUESTED

TO COME A WEEK LATE?

I COULDN'T SAY NO.

SHE'S BEEN SHORT-LISTED
FOR THE ROME PRIZE.

BETTE, DID YOU
JUST SAY SOMETHING

ABOUT A CRAZY,
HOT WOMEN'S PARTY?

UH, YEAH.

MY SISTER, KIT,

SHE OWNS THE PLANET
IN WEST HOLLYWOOD.

THEY'RE DOING THIS PARTY
CALLED RANCHO NOTORIOUS.

AND IT'S ALL WOMEN?
ONLY THURSDAYS.

THURSDAY IS GIRLS'
NIGHT AT THE PLANET.

DEAN PORTER'S OFFICE.

WOULD IT BE TOO
MUCH OF AN IMPOSITION

IF I ASKED TO JOIN YOU?

UM, TINA'S ON THE PHONE FOR YOU.

I'LL COME BACK LATER
FOR THE DETAILS.

TINA. HEY.

A PARTY.

REALLY?

NO, THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING.

DID ALICE PUT YOU UP TO THIS?

YOU... YOU DIDN'T KNOW
WHETHER OR NOT TO INVITE ME

WHEN YOU INVITED
ALL OF MY FRIENDS?

WELL, WE HAVE A
CHILD TOGETHER, TINA.

I MEAN, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO LEARN HOW TO GET ALONG.

FU... YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE MADE
QUITE A SCENE OR TWO

IN YOUR TIME, TOO,

SO DON'T GET ON YOUR HIGH HOR...

NO, OKAY, I DON'T WANT
TO FIGHT WITH YOU EITHER.

I'M JUST MAKING A POINT
THAT I'VE MOVED ON.

I'VE FOUND CLOSURE.

THERE'S NOTHING
BETWEEN US ANYMORE

THAT WOULD CAUSE ME TO WANT
TO MAKE A SCENE, YOU KNOW?

WELL, THANK YOU
FOR THE INVITATION.

I APPRECIATE IT.

YES, BUT I'M GOING TO DECLINE.

YEAH, SOME OTHER TIME.

BYE.

YOU HAVE OUTDONE
YOURSELF THIS TIME.

OH, MY. LOOK AT THIS PLACE!

IT'S FANTASTIC.

YOU LIKE IT?

DO I LIKE IT?

MINDY AND I ARE GOING TO
HAVE A BLOODY SHOOTOUT

AT THE END OF THE NIGHT.

WELL, OF COURSE YOU ARE.

YEE-HAW!

OH, HERE HE IS.

MEET ANGUS, MY BOYFRIEND.

SAY HOWDY TO MINDY AND ROCHELLE.

HOWDY, LITTLE LADIES.

HOWDY. HOWDY.

I'M NOT JUST YOUR BOYFRIEND.

I AM YOUR JUST-BEEN-OFFERED
A-$100,000-DOLLAR-RECORD-DEAL-

WITH-THRILL-CITY-
RECORDS BOYFRIEND.

NUH-UH!

UH-HUH!

AH! AH!

OH, MY GOD! OH, HO, HO, HO!

OH, MY GOD! ♪ DO-DO-DO-DO-DO ♪

CONGRATULATIONS!

WOW!

SO, THIS IS THE AIR FILTER.

YOU JUST TAKE IT OUT.

CHECK IT OUT.

YUCK.

CAN YOU GRAB THE
NEW ONE OVER THERE?

WANT TO PUT IT IN?

SURE.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT. GOOD JOB.

SNAP THAT BACK.

HEY, SHAY.

READY TO GO TO TINA AND HENRY'S?

WILL THERE BE KIDS THERE?

UH, WELL, UM,
ANGELICA WILL BE THERE,

AND, YOU KNOW, THEY MIGHT
HAVE A MOVIE FOR YOU TO WATCH.

HE COULD STAY HERE
WITH ME IF HE WANTS.

I MEAN, I'M JUST GOING TO BE

WORKING ON THE
CAR AND, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE LATER WE COULD
GO GET SOME BURGERS

OR SOMETHING.

YEAH! REALLY?

YEAH.

OKAY, WELL, THAT... WAIT.

THAT MEANS YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO TINA AND HENRY'S.

I WASN'T INVITED.

OH.

IT'S COOL.

I MEAN,

I DON'T EVEN REALLY
KNOW TINA THAT WELL,

AND, UM, I'D RATHER NOT
HAVE TO DEAL ANYWAY, SO...

WELL, ARE YOU OKAY
WITH THAT, SHAY?

YEAH. YEAH?

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SURE.

APPRECIATE IT.

SEE YOU LATER.

WHICH ONE IS TINA'S EX?

SHE COULDN'T MAKE IT.

THANK GOD.

SO EVEN THE...

EVEN THE BEAUTIFUL
ONE OVER THERE?

YES, BRAD. GIVE IT UP.

THEY'RE ALL LESBIANS.

OH.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

WOW. WHO'S THAT?

THIS IS A SURPRISE.

HI.

YEAH, I CHANGED MY MIND.

HELLO, HENRY.

HI.

SO, WHERE'S MY BABY GIRL?

SHE'S ASLEEP.

WATCH OUT. THERE'S
GONNA BE A CRASH!

I'LL GET MORE.

OKAY. GREAT.

THIS IS NICE.

IT KIND OF REMINDS ME OF
YOUR APARTMENT ON DOHENY.

YEAH, IT'S FINE.

I'D REMODEL IT, BUT
I DON'T LIVE HERE.

YET.

HEY.

THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
WE'RE TOTALLY OUTNUMBERED.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

STRAIGHT PEOPLE.

OH, JESUS.

HI.

BETTE.

JENNY.

HELLO.

HELLO.

WHAT DO YOU SAY

WE MOVE INTO A BIG
PLACE LIKE THIS SOMEDAY?

I SAY, NOT UNTIL YOUR
FIRST CHECK CLEARS.

AND THEN MINE.

HEY. HI.

HEY. HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GLAD YOU CAME.

OF COURSE. OF COURSE.

I DIDN'T THINK ANYONE
WAS GOING TO COME.

OH, NO. NO.

DO YOU WANT SOME FOOD?

UH, YEAH. YEAH.

OH, UH, KELLY, AND UH...

ALISON.

ALISON? YES.

YEAH.

UM, THIS IS MY FRIEND SHANE.

HI.

DO YOU WANT A BEER?

I WOULD LOVE ONE. THANK YOU.

HELLO.

HI. NICE TO MEET YOU.

HI. NICE TO MEET YOU.

THAT'S SUCH A GREAT NAME.

SHANE.

OH, THANK YOU.

THANKS.

IT'S PERFECT FOR YOU.

OH, WELL, THANK YOU, I GUESS.

GOOD... GLAD TO KNOW THAT.

UM, BUT I'M GOING
TO GO FIND TINA

FOR THAT DRINK,

SO SEE YOU IN A BIT.

OKAY. SEE YOU AROUND.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS.

GRACE PERIOD'S UP.

I'M GOING IN.

GOOD LUCK.

SO BRAVE.

SHANE!

OH, MY GOD!

OH, THANK YOU.

I AM GOING TO BE THE
BEST RECEPTIONIST

YOU HAVE EVER HAD.

OKAY, GOOD, LISTEN,

BUT I'M WARNING
YOU, IT'S A SHIT JOB.

I DON'T CARE.

OKAY, BUT IT'S
YOURS IF YOU WANT IT.

OKAY, GOOD. I
WANT IT. YOU GOT IT.

YOUR DAUGHTER IS ADORABLE.

THANK YOU.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO
IF ONE DAY SHE DECIDED

SHE WANTED TO LIVE
WITH HER FATHER?

WE DON'T CALL HIM THE FATHER.

WE CALL HIM THE DONOR.

I REALLY DON'T THINK
THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

OH, SORRY, EXCUSE ME, UM...

I... I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT
IT TO HAPPEN, BUT, YOU KNOW,

KIDS HAVE MINDS OF THEIR OWN,

AND, I MEAN, I'M
SURE YOUR PARENTS

WOULD RATHER YOU
WEREN'T A LESBIAN,

YOU KNOW?

MY PARENTS ARE DEAD.

BETTE.

BRAD.

LOOK, I-I'M NOT A HOMOPHOBE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BUT, LOOK.

IF MY SON CAME HOME

AND HE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS GAY,

I MEAN, I'M SURE

I WOULD COME AROUND TO IT,

BUT, YOU KNOW,

AT FIRST THERE WOULD
BE A REACTION, AND...

I'M SORRY, I'M JUST TRYING
TO BE HONEST HERE, I...

AN HONEST HOMOPHOBE.

HOW NICE.

YOU KNOW, BETTE,
DON'T GET INTO IT.

NO, I UNDERSTAND, BRAD.

I MEAN,

YOU FIND GAY SEX REPULSIVE

AND YOU DON'T CARE

ABOUT YOUR SON'S
PERSONAL HAPPINESS

AS MUCH AS YOU DO

YOUR OWN COMFORT LEVEL, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, PERSONALLY,

I'M ALL FOR IT... BETWEEN WOMEN.

IT'S JUST THAT...

THE IDEA OF TWO GUYS...

WELL, YOU UNDERSTAND, RIGHT?

IT'S NOT THAT BAD, ACTUALLY.

COME AGAIN, DUDE?

MM.

THAT WHOLE DICK-IN-ASS THING.

I USED TO THINK IT
WAS A LITTLE CREEPY.

AND PAINFUL, TOO,

BUT I FOUND THIS GREAT LUBE.

IT'S CALLED BOY BUTTER.

ONCE I DISCOVERED
THAT, IT WAS LIKE...

LET'S GET THIS PARTY
STARTED, YOU KNOW.

I LOVE HIM.

HE LOVES YOU, TOO.

I'VE GOT TO GET
BACK TO THE PLANET.

COME ON, BUTTER BOY.

LET'S SLIDE ON OUT OF HERE.

I HAVE AN IDEA.

GAME OF CELEBRITY?

DO YOU HAVE A COUPLE EXTRA SPOTS

ON THE GUEST LIST?

MY BOYS ARE COMING DOWN

TO CELEBRATE OUR IMPENDING
SUPER-MEGA-STARDOM.

OH, OF COURSE.

THRILL CITY.

HERE WE COME.

PHYLLIS, YOU CAN DO THIS.

HEY, BEAUTIFUL.

CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?

OH, I'M NOT QUITE
READY FOR A DRINK YET.

GO? OKAY.

OKAY. READY?

YOU GO.

OH.

WE... WE WON ALREADY.

THIS IS SO EASY. OKAY.

READY?

YEAH.

ACTRESS. SHE WAS IN
I "HEART" HUCKABEES.

NAOMI WATTS.

NO, BUT FUNNIER.

UM, SHE WAS IN 9 TO 5.

SHE... OH, RIGHT. OKAY.

OH, I KNOW, I KNOW.
WHAT'S HER NAME?

YOU KNOW IT.

OH!

MAJOR DYKE. MAJOR DYKE.

SHE CAME OUT BIG TIME IN 2000.

I MEAN, WE ALREADY KNEW, BUT.

UM...

COME ON, BIG BUSINESS!

DYKE. BIG BUSINESS!

SORRY, YOU GUYS, TIME'S UP.
- WHO IS IT?

LILY TOMLIN!

LILY TOMLIN IS NOT
A LESBIAN, IS SHE?

UM, HELLO?

BRAD...

HE WAS ON THE
VERGE OF GETTING IT.

THE GAY CLUE THREW HIM OFF.

YEAH.

OH, REALLY.

WOW.

OKAY, WHO'S NEXT?

SHANE?

TRY ME.

OH, UH, OKAY.

HA. OKAY.

UM, UM, OKAY.

UH, LE TIGRE.

AND JULIE RUIN.

BIKINI KILL.

OH, EASY.

I KNOW IT.

THANK YOU.

IT'S SO EASY!

UH... ONE...

ONE MORE TIME.

KATHLEEN HANNA.

WHAT'S SHE A CELEBRITY FOR?

OH, SHE JUST PRETTY MUCH STARTED

THE WHOLE RIOT GRRRL
MUSIC SCENE, BUT, HEY.

WHAT'S THE RIOT
GRRRL MUSIC SCENE?

OKAY. WHO'S NEXT?

OKAY, MY TURN, MY TURN, MY TURN.

OH. I DON'T...

I DON'T KNOW WHO
TERRELL OWENS IS.

OH, HO, HO. WHAT?

WHAT?

FOOTBALL PLAYER.

OH.

DO YOU? SHANE? NO.

HE'S THE MOST TALENTED
RECEIVER IN FOOTBALL.

AND HE APPEARED WITH
A DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE

IN A COMMERCIAL.

SHE DROPPED HER TOWEL.

OKAY.

THE DESPERATE... WHAT?

THIS IS EXCRUCIATING.

I WOULD LOVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.

LET'S JUST GO, OKAY?

I'LL DO ANOTHER ONE.

OKAY.

LET'S PLAY. WHO
WANTS TO CHOOSE NEXT?

IT'S KIND OF LATE, THOUGH.

OKAY.

DO YOU WANT TO...

SHANE, SHANE, WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT IS LATE, ISN'T IT?

IT IS.

LADIES, LADIES,
LADIES, LADIES, LADIES.

OH, GOD.

THANK GOD FOR MY
LITTLE LESBIAN PLANET.

OH, MY GOD. THAT'S PAPI.

HEY.

HEY, CHICAS. WHAT'S UP?

HEY, THERE'S SHANE. SHANE!

SHANE?

AH, THIS OUGHT
TO BE INTERESTING.

HEY. HEY, HEY.

KIT SAVED US A
TABLE IN THE BACK.

OH, GOOD. GOOD.

YOU'RE SHANE?

WHEW. YEAH.

YOU'RE JUST A SKINNY
LITTLE WHITE GIRL.

OH.

YEAH, I GUESS I AM.

SHANE.

WHAT?

THIS IS PAPI.

WHO?

PAPI.

SO WHAT?

SO, I'M YOUR COMPETITION.

OH!

OH. OKAY.

WELL, YOU KNOW,

I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT WE'RE COMPETING FOR,

BUT, UH, YOU WIN.

SO, IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.

I'M GOING TO GO SIT WITH BETTE.

YOU GOING TO COME? YEAH.

I'LL BUY YOU A DRINK.

OKAY...

OKAY.

I MISSED THAT READING.

OH, YEAH, IT WAS,
UH, IT WAS LAST WEEK.

ANYWAY, THE BOOK
IS REALLY AWFUL.

HAVE YOU READ IT?

NO, BUT THE REVIEW
IN CURVE MAGAZINE...

"SOME OF HER PARTS
MAKES ME ASHAMED

TO EVEN CALL MYSELF A LESBIAN."

I FEEL LIKE I DON'T
EVEN REALLY KNOW

HOW TO TALK TO WOMEN ANYMORE.

YOU JUST HAVE TO
BE PATIENT, HELENA.

I MEAN, YOU'RE
REINVENTING YOURSELF.

THAT'S BIG.

WHOA, BOY.

HELLO.

HEY.

YOU OKAY?

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT.

I CANNOT BELIEVE
SHE ACTUALLY CAME.

WHO?

WHAT?

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

WHAT, DID YOU
SLEEP WITH SOMEONE?

NO, NOT IN THIS CENTURY.

OKAY, GIRLS, GIRLS,
OKAY, HERE'S THE DEAL.

PHYLLIS KROLL,

EXECUTIVE VICE CHANCELLOR,
CALIFORNIA UNIVERSITY.

VERY ACCOMPLISHED.
VERY DIGNIFIED.

VERY MUCH MY BOSS.

I REPEAT, VERY MUCH MY BOSS.

SHE'S BEEN MARRIED FOR 25 YEARS,

AND IS NOW, AT THIS
RELATIVELY LATE DATE,

CONVINCED SHE'S A LESBIAN

AND IS PEEKING OUT OF
THE CLOSET AS WE SPEAK.

SO, PLEASE, PLEASE,
PLEASE, BE NICE TO HER

AND TRY TO TALK TO HER
AND TRY NOT TO MAKE HER FEEL

LIKE SHE'S THE OLDEST
FUCKING LESBIAN ON THE PLANET.

PHYLLIS, HI!

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I'VE BEEN HERE FOR A WHILE,

JUST KIND OF HIDING
OUT IN THE BACK.

WELL, YOU ARE NOW AMONG FRIENDS.

OH.

THIS IS SHANE McCUTCHEON.

HEY. SHANE.

HOW YOU DOING?

THIS IS ALICE PIESZECKI.

HELLO, PHYLLIS.

ALICE.

AND HELENA PEABODY.

HI. HELENA.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

JOIN US? T YOU YEAH.

I'D LOVE TO. YEAH.

OH.

I HATE TO SAY IT, MAN,

BUT THE A&R GUY CALLED BACK.

THE THING IS, DUDE,

THEY NEED A HOT YOUNG
SINGER TO SELL RECORDS.

YEAH.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE
IT'S ANYTHING NEW.

SO, YOU WOULDN'T BE
ACTUALLY IN THE BAND.

THEY SAID THEY'VE ALREADY
GOT A GUY LINED UP FOR US.

AND YOU'LL TOTALLY STILL GET,

LIKE, SONGWRITING CREDIT.

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.

IT'S OUT OF OUR CONTROL, KIT.

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS?

HEY.

HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN WAITING?

YOU CANDY-ASS
PIECE OF SHIT, YOU.

YOU'D BE NOTHING WITHOUT ANGUS.

NOTHING!

YOU MUST BE OUT OF
YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MIND.

YOU MUST BE FUCKING CRAZY.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

GO ON, GET OUT OF HERE.

SHE'S THE ONE THAT
OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED

TO CALL HERSELF A LESBIAN.

WHAT I FIND

SO UTTERLY SPECIOUS

IS THE ASSERTION SHE MADE
ABOUT HER OWN LADYFRIEND.

I KNOW, I MEAN, SAINT LINDSEY?

WHY IS SHE THE
PANTHEON OF HONESTY?

IT'S PATHETIC,

WRITING ABOUT HER OWN GIRLFRIEND

IN THE REVIEW.

THE FACT THAT SHE
COMPARED THE TWO OF YOU

IS PROOF ENOUGH
OF HER STUPIDITY.

I KNOW. THANK YOU.

I MEAN, THE WHOLE THING WAS,

I WASN'T WRITING ABOUT
ALL SURVIVORS' STORIES.

I WAS JUST WRITING ABOUT
MY STORY AND MY EXPERIENCE.

IT'S A SHAME YOU
CAN'T DO WHAT I DID

WHEN I GOT MY FIRST BAD REVIEW.

OH, PHYLLIS, YOU
NEVER GOT A BAD REVIEW.

I DID SO, ON MY SECOND BOOK.

THE REVIEWER FROM THE
JOURNAL OF EDUCATION AND POLICY

ABSOLUTELY RIDICULED MY PREMISE.

SO WITH A WICKED REBUTTAL,

I DISMANTLED HIM POINT BY POINT.

HE LOST HIS JOB BECAUSE OF IT.

IT'S TOO BAD

YOU CAN'T PROVE
YOUR CRITIC WAS WRONG

ABOUT HER GIRLFRIEND'S
UNIMPEACHABLE INTEGRITY.

THAT IS FOR SURE, JENNY.

I AGREE, PHYLLIS.

TOTALLY AGREE.

THEY AIN'T SHIT WITHOUT
YOU, AND YOU KNOW IT.

WHAT DOES IT MATTER?

SO THEY'LL SUCK AND I'LL...

ROT AWAY AND DIE,

TOO OLD TO BE
VIABLE AS A MUSICIAN.

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT TOLD ME

WHEN YOU'RE CALLED TO DO MUSIC,

NOTHING CAN STOP YOU.

YEAH, WELL, THEY
JUST STOPPED ME.

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

YOU CAN'T LET THEM... LISTEN.

DON'T TRY AND MAKE
ME FEEL BETTER,

'CAUSE I'M JUST NOT GONNA.

GOD, YOU KNOW,

I THINK I JUST NEED TO BE ALONE.

11.

12.

13.

YEAH?

HEY.

HEY.

I WONDER IF YOU
CAN DO ME A FAVOR.

15. YEAH?

I'M TRYING TO FIND A
FRIEND OF MINE, UM...

NAMED, UH, LINDSEY,

WHO I WENT TO SUMMER CAMP WITH

IN, LIKE, 1987.

I THINK THAT, UH,
SHE WAS ASSAULTED

AND SHE HAD TO
GO TO THIS HOSPITAL

NAMED COLDWATER
COMMUNITY HOSPITAL,

AND I WONDER WHETHER
YOU COULD HELP ME FIND HER.

WELL, THAT'S NOT
REALLY MUCH TO GO ON,

BUT I COULD DO A COMPUTER SEARCH

AND SEE WHAT I CAN COME UP WITH.

I DEFINITELY WANT THAT,

BECAUSE I'M WRITING AN
ARTICLE ABOUT THE HOSPITAL

FOR SALON MAGAZINE,

SO IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME

THAT I SPEAK TO HER ABOUT,
YOU KNOW, HER EXPERIENCE THERE.

OKAY?

WHAT?

YOU WANT ME TO DO IT NOW?

IF YOU DON'T MIND.

OKAY.

I'M REALLY... I'M
SORRY, PHYLLIS...

YEE-HAW!

WOW. GO GET 'EM, PHYLLIS!

OKAY.

GO AHEAD.

FAUVISM.

DADAISM. CUBISM.

SURREALISM.

MODERNISM.

WE'LL COVER THE REST NEXT WEEK.

YES?

EVEN FLUXUS, DEAN PORTER?

YEAH. FALLS UNDER DADA.

SO, NEXT WEEK

WE'LL DISCUSS THE WAYS

IN WHICH ART REVEALS
ATTITUDES ABOUT THE CULTURE.

MM, BUT YOU WANTED ME
TO REMIND YOU TO ASSIGN

EVERYONE TOPICS

AT THE END OF THE
SESSION, BETTE...

I MEAN, DEAN PORTER.

THANK YOU, NADIA.

SO, WE'LL DO THAT
BEGINNING OF NEXT SESSION.

I LOVE YOU, BETTE.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

SHUT UP.

GOOD JOB, BETTE.

YOU'VE GOT THEM IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HAND.

I WISH I COULD DO IT EVERY DAY.

THEN YOUR DEPARTMENT HEADS

WOULD HAVE TO DO
THEIR OWN FUNDRAISING.

I WANTED TO THANK
YOU FOR LAST NIGHT.

I HAD A LOVELY TIME.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU
ENJOYED YOURSELF.

I ESPECIALLY LOVED ALICE.

SHE'S SO VIBRANT.

YEAH. SHE'S A GREAT GIRL.

SO...

DO YOU THINK SHE LIKED ME?

YOU KNOW HOW TO
WORK A CREDIT CARD?

NOT ACTUALLY, NO.

I'M GOING TO GET BLOODY
MARTA TO HELP YOU.

OKAY.

OOH!

GOOD MORNING. THE
WAX. HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

NO, NO. SAY "WAX".

SORRY. WAX!

UM, MARTA.

I'M SORRY, WHAT...

WHAT WAS THAT YOU WERE SAYING?

I NEED A BOX OF
BONES, REDS, TOO,

AND SOME WAX AND GRIP TAPE.

I'M SORRY, COULD YOU
JUST GIVE ME ONE MOMENT?

YOU NEED A BOX OF
RED BONES AND WHAT?

UM, CAN YOU JUST
GIVE ME A MOMENT?

WOW!

WOW. FANCY.

I LIKE THIS. THIS IS GOOD.

A WHOLE NEW BETTE, HUH?

ARTSY.

A LITTLE ARTSY-FARTSY
GOING ON HERE?

WE HAVE A SITUATION, ALICE.

WHAT, ARE YOU GOING
TO STICK ME IN THE CORNER

WITH A DUNCE CAP
ON, PRINCIPAL PORTER?

MY BOSS IS ATTRACTED TO YOU.

REALLY? YEAH.

SHE THINKS YOU TWO
MADE A REAL CONNECTION.

SHE SAID THAT YOU MADE

MEANINGFUL EYE CONTACT WITH HER.

IS THAT TRUE?

SHE THINKS I FLIRTED WITH HER?

ALICE, THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

NO. NO, IT'S NOT.

SHE WEPT IN MY ARMS

BECAUSE SHE'S BEEN
UNHAPPY FOR 25 YEARS

AND NOW SHE'S DYING TO FIND OUT

WHAT SHE'S BEEN MISSING,

AND SHE THINKS YOU
SENT HER SIGNALS.

SHE REALLY THINKS
I SENT HER SIGNALS?

REALLY? YES.

AND WE HAVE TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

WE HAVE TO LET HER DOWN EASY.

OKAY. OKAY.

ALICE, IT'S NOT FUNNY.

NO. IT'S NOT FUNNY.

YOU GUYS, THERE HE IS.

ISN'T HE CUTE?

NOW, THIS BATCH

IS SUPPOSED TO BE CHEESEBURGERS.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE SURE YOU DON'T MIND?

NOT AT ALL.

I'LL GO GET THE BUNS.

ALL RIGHT.

HI, MAX.

HEY.

I'M REALLY GLAD YOU CAME.

WELL, IT WAS NICE OF YOUR DAD

TO INVITE ME.

I INVITED YOU.

WELL, THEN, IT WAS
NICE OF YOU TO INVITE ME.

COME ON, BROOKE.

I'LL SEE YOU IN A MINUTE, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT.

AW, MAN.

I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

GOOD AFTERNOON,
THE W... I MEAN, WAX.

SHANE?

GUY GALLO.

MARKETING DIRECTOR
FOR HUGO BOSS.

HI.

I MET YOU AT CHERIE
JAFFE'S PARTY LAST WEEK.

OH.

YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

I DON'T. I WAS A LITTLE, UM...

YEAH. YEAH, ME TOO.

BUT YOU MADE QUITE
AN IMPRESSION ON ME.

I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU.

MAX, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD.

COME ON.

WHY DON'T YOU
COME INTO THE POOL?

NO.

TRY THEM ON.

I'LL TAKE SOME SNAPSHOTS,

THEN I'LL SEND THEM OVER
TO HUGO BOSS HIMSELF.

LOOK.

LOOK, I APPRECIATE THAT
YOU CAME DOWN HERE AND ALL,

BUT I'M NOT A MODEL.

IT'S A LUCRATIVE GIG.

YEAH, WELL, I'M SURE
IT IS, BUT I'M JUST...

I'M SORRY, I'M NOT INTERESTED.

EXCUSE ME.

SHAY. HEY.

HOW YOU DOING?

HOW WAS SCHOOL?

YOU WANT TO GET
YOUR HOMEWORK DONE?

TAKE SOME TIME.

THINK ABOUT IT.

NO.

BUT THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE IT.

I'M SORRY, BROOKE.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

I JUST...

I HAVE THIS EAR
CONDITION, YOU KNOW?

EVER SINCE I WAS ON THE
SWIM TEAM IN HIGH SCHOOL

AND I... I CAN'T
GO IN THE WATER.

OKAY?

AND IT REALLY BUMS ME OUT,

I SHOULDN'T HAVE FREAKED
OUT ON YOU LIKE THAT.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

I FORGIVE YOU.

YOU DO?

I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

DONALD, DON'T POINT.

HAVE A GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE,

AND DON'T FORGET
TO GIVE ME YOUR LISTS

FOR THE MAJOR DONORS
RECEPTION BY FRIDAY.

LONG DAY, BETTE?

YEAH, AND IT'S NOT OVER.

I STILL HAVE TO
APPROVE THE ARTWORK

FOR THE PRESENTATION.

PHYLLIS.

ALICE.

HELLO, PROFESSOR PORTER.

DEAN PORTER, ALICE.

YOU'RE DEMOTING HER.

I AM TAKING PHYLLIS TO MURAKAMI.

LESBIAN SUSHI.

REALLY?

LESBIANS HAVE THEIR
OWN SPECIAL KIND OF SUSHI?

OH, YEAH.

PHYLLIS, I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD
ORDER BETTE OUT ON A DATE.

IS THIS A DATE?

SHE WORKS TOO HARD.

WELL, I CAN'T EXACTLY

ORDER HER TO GO OUT ON A DATE.

NO, YOU REALLY CAN'T.

BUT I DO HOPE

YOU'RE TAKING CARE OF
YOUR PERSONAL NEEDS, BETTE.

ACADEMIA CAN BE SO
VERY SUFFOCATING.

OH. YEAH. SHE'S RIGHT.

HAVE A GOOD DATE.

OKAY, THANKS.

PHYLLIS.

FUCK, ALICE.

YOU'RE RIGHT, IT'S MY FAULT.

I'VE COMPLETELY
BOLLOXED UP THE SCHEDULE.

I MEAN, MAYBE WE CAN...

MAKE... SURE.

I'M SORRY, I CAN'T REALLY TELL

WHICH IS THE FOAM
AND WHICH IS THE WAX.

MAYBE IF WE CAN...
HAVE A LOOK AT IT.

OH, YOU WANT...

YOU WANT YOUR VISA BA...

FUCK!

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

THIS IS YOURS. AND, OH... FUCK!

AND, UM, THESE ARE YOURS.

AND...

HELLO?

THAT BAD, HUH?

I'M JUST NOT UP TO THIS, SHANE.

I'M SORRY.

THANKS FOR THE
OPPORTUNITY, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, I, UH...

I CAN GUARANTEE THAT
THERE'S SOMETHING

THAT YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT.

I DO.

BUT I JUST THINK
YOU JUST NEED TO

TAKE THE TIME

AND FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS.

THANKS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THIS.

IT'S A FUCKING MESS, BUT...

YEAH, IT'S A REAL MESS.

LET'S GO LOCK UP.

CAN YOU GET MY BAG?

THANKS, SHAY.

THANKS, SHANE.

OH, PLEASE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT.

GRAB THAT.

OH. NADIA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I SEEM TO REMEMBER

WHEN YOU WERE
INTERVIEWING T.A. CANDIDATES

THAT YOU SAID,

"IF I'M WORKING,
YOU'RE WORKING."

I FINISHED THE FIRST
SET FOR THE MEDIA LAB.

GOD, YOU ARE REALLY TALENTED.

THAT MEANS A LOT
COMING FROM YOU.

NADIA?

WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

ECHO PARK.

DO YOU NEED A RIDE?

YEAH.

I DON'T WANT TO TROUBLE YOU.

NO. IT'S NO TROUBLE.

I MEAN, IT'S MORE OR
LESS ON MY WAY HOME, SO...

WOULD IT BE WRONG

IF I TOLD YOU

THAT I CAN'T KEEP
MY EYES OFF OF YOU?

YES.

WOULD IT BE WRONG IF I TOLD YOU

THAT YOU WERE THE MOST...

INTRIGUING PERSON
THAT I'VE EVER MET?

YES.

WOULD IT BE WRONG IF I TOLD YOU

THAT I HAVE NEVER
WANTED TO KISS SOMEONE

MORE THAN I WANT TO
KISS YOU RIGHT NOW?

NADIA.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY:

LINE 21 MEDIA SERVICES
LTD. VANCOUVER, B.C. 2006