The L Word (2004–2009): Season 4, Episode 7 - Lesson Number One - full transcript

THERE'S GOING TO
BE YOU EVERYWHERE.

YOU'RE OUR NEWEST "IT" GIRL!

I THINK YOU'RE AN
AMAZING WOMAN...

STOP BEFORE YOU
GET TO THE "BUT".

I'M GOING TO BREAK
IT OFF WITH HAZEL.

I MEAN, THAT'S A GIVEN,

AND I DON'T KNOW
WHETHER TO TELL KIT.

WHY, SO YOU CAN BREAK HER HEART
AND DESTROY HER TRUST IN YOU?

MEGAN REED MADE A COMPLAINT

AND IS THINKING
ABOUT SUING MITCH.

SHE'S A STUPID BITCH.



MITCH DOESN'T SUPPORT WOMEN.

WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

BECAUSE HE DID IT TO ME.

SO WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

I'M FEELING LUCKY TONIGHT.

$50,000?

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
YOU SIGNED UP FOR.

[CHIPS FALLING]

BUT DON'T WORRY.
THERE'S MORE THAN

ONE WAY TO PAY OFF A DEBT.

I AM SO CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

THIS IS JENNIFER-
FUCKING-SCHECTER,

THE LUNATIC WHOSE
BOOK I REVIEWED.

SOUNDER?



THAT'S NOT MY DOG.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D DO
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

ME AND TINA, WE HAVE A BABY.

I DON'T LIKE KIDS. I DON'T.

[WAITER]: CAN I GET YOU
LADIES ANYTHING ELSE?

NO, JUST THE CHECK. THANKS.

CAN WE TRY AGAIN?

YOU'RE IN THE ARMY?

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

SO YOU LIKE GIRLIE-GIRLS, HUH?

I DON'T WANT IT TO END, ALICE.

I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU.

PHYLLIS?

I TOLD LEONARD ABOUT US.

I TOLD HIM I WANTED A DIVORCE.

[GUNS FIRING]

[GUNS FIRING]

[GUNS FIRING]

[WEAPONS FIRE]

[GUNS FIRING]

[HYPERVENTILATING]

[♪♪]

♪ GIRLS IN TIGHT DRESSES
WHO DRAG WITH MUSTACHES ♪

♪ CHICKS DRIVING FAST
INGENUES WITH LONG LASHES ♪

♪ WOMEN WHO LONG, LOVE,
LUST WOMEN WHO GIVE ♪

♪ THIS IS THE WAY IT'S
THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ TALKING, LAUGHING
LOVING, BREATHING ♪

♪ FIGHTING, FUCKING
CRYING, DRINKING ♪

♪ WRITING, WINNING
LOSING, CHEATING ♪

♪ KISSING, THINKING, DREAMING ♪

♪ THIS IS THE WAY... ♪

♪ IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪

♪ AND LOVE ♪

MM... GOOD MORNING.

OH, FUCK.

[GROANING]

I GOT THREE HOURS OF SLEEP.

YOU'RE EXHAUSTING ME.

[LAUGHS]

[YAWNING]

[CHUCKLING]

IS IT...

GAUGUIN?

SENDAK.

SENDAK!

SENDAK...

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[ALARM BEEPING]

[SIGHING]: IT'S THE ALARM CLOCK.

[GROANING]

I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.

YOU'RE THE BOSS.

YOU COULD BE LATE.

OH, FUCK...

[MOANING]

I THINK I COULD FALL
IN LOVE WITH YOU.

WHAT?

YOU SAY SOMETHING?

NOTHING.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

YOU WANT TO BE INSIDE ME?

PLEASE.

PLEASE.

[MOANING]

[SIGHING]

I'M REALLY GOING TO
MISS YOU, SOUNDER.

I'M VERY, VERY SORRY
THAT I USED YOU.

I DO CARE ABOUT YOU, SOUNDER.

I HOPE THAT YOU'RE IN A
MUCH BETTER PLACE NOW.

GOODBYE, SOUNDER.

HEY, JENNY.

HEY.

I LIKE GARDENING.

DID YOU READ IT?

YEAH. LISTEN...

IT'S NOT SO BAD, RIGHT?

I MEAN, ALICE OVER-REACTED
TO THE FIRST INSTALLMENT,

BUT, I MEAN, THIS ONE'S
NOT THAT BAD, RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW, JENNY.

I MEAN, THERE'S SOME
STUFF ABOUT BETTE IN HERE

THAT'S PRETTY HARSH.

I DON'T HAVE A
CHARACTER NAMED BETTE.

OKAY, "BEV." WHATEVER.

I JUST... I DON'T THINK
YOU SHOULD SEND IT.

BETTE OF ALL PEOPLE
UNDERSTANDS HOW ARTISTS CREATE.

BETTE'S NOT STUPID.

SHE UNDERSTANDS THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN REALITY AND FICTION.

BUT EVERYBODY KNOWS

WHO YOUR CHARACTERS
ARE BASED ON,

AND IT'S NOT RIGHT

TO EXPOSE YOUR
FRIENDS LIKE THIS.

WHY DON'T YOU GO
BACK TO YOUR STUDIO

AND LIFT SOME WEIGHTS?

I MEAN, I DON'T THINK

YOU UNDERSTAND MY STORY.

WHATEVER.

[CHUCKLING]

EVERYTHING IS ART TO YOU,

RIGHT?

EVERYTHING IS DESIRE.

WELL, DESIRE CAN'T
BE EVERYTHING.

NO?

NO, THERE ARE
RESPONSIBILITIES...

[MOUTHING WORDS]

[MOUTHING WORDS]

BUT I... I...

I HAVE TO GET TO WORK.

OH. NO. NO, I DO.

I HAVE TO GET TO WORK. I...

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

THAT'S THE PHONE.

[MOUTHS WORD]

HELLO?

PHYLLIS!

ARE YOU OKAY?

WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M AT HOME.

I DIDN'T GO TO CHICAGO
FOR A CONVENTION.

I... I JUST... I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I CAN'T SEEM TO PULL
MYSELF TOGETHER.

OKAY. HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

I WANT YOU TO GO
BACK INTO THE OFFICE.

IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU
TO BE AT HOME ALONE.

ALL RIGHT?

YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF BED.

Y...

PHYLLIS.

JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

WE'RE COMING OVER.

HI.

YEAH, THAT WAS JODI LERNER.

YEAH, SHE CAME OVER
EARLY THIS MORNING...

UM...

ACTUALLY,

SHE CAME OVER LAST NIGHT

AND WE SPENT THE NIGHT TOGETHER.

WE'VE BEEN SEEING EACH ANOTHER.

[MOUTHS WORDS]

YES.

SHE'S A LESBIAN.

IT'S ALL GOING TO
BE OKAY, PHYLLIS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

ALL RIGHT. BYE.

YOU ARE BAD.

YOU ARE BAD!

HELENA, WE'VE ALL BEEN WHORES

AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER.

YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO.

EVERYONE'S DONE THINGS FOR MONEY

THEY'RE NOT PROUD OF.

IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A WHORE.

YEAH, BUT SHE'S
NOT GOING TO SLEEP

WITH THIS WOMAN

JUST TO PAY OFF A GAMBLING DEBT.

ARE YOU?

WHAT ELSE AM I
GOING TO DO, ALICE?

I'M GOING TO BE A WHORE.

HANG ON A SEC, HELENA.

DIDN'T YOU SAY

THAT SHE WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL?

OH, SHE'S STUNNING.

REALLY? DOES THAT
MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE?

IF I'M FUCKING A BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN FOR MONEY?

I DON'T THINK SO.

YEAH. YEAH, IT HELPS.

[SHANE]: I'D LIKE
TO SAY THAT I WAS

FUCKING SHOWING OFF MY UNDERWEAR

FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE,

AND THAT FELT PRETTY WHORISH.

YOU SEE, HELENA?

EVERYONE IS A
WHORE IN THEIR LIFE

AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER.

PRINCESS OF DARKNESS HAS SPOKEN.

WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE,
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

ONCE I GAVE A BLOW
JOB TO A HORN PLAYER.

SO I COULD GET A
LINE OF COCAINE.

AND, AFTERWARDS,
HOW DID YOU FEEL?

HIGH.

I WAS A HIGH HO.

[SHANE]: IT'S ONE MOMENT
IN YOUR LIFE, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S NOT GOING TO
DEFINE WHO YOU ARE.

HEY, NEXT TIME,

YOU AND ME SHOULD
GO TO THE PLANET

FOR BREAKFAST.

WHY?

WHY? BECAUSE IT'S GOOD FOOD,

AND THERE'S NEW PEOPLE.

YOU NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT

OF LONG BEACH, TASH.

EXPLORE SOME NEW
PORTALS AND SHIT.

PORTALS, WHAT IS
THAT? ALICE'S THING?

YOU KNOW I'M NOT
INTO ALL THAT, PAPI.

YEAH, BUT, LIKE,

SEEING NEW THINGS,
EXPERIENCING NEW THINGS,

THAT'S A GOOD
ATTITUDE TOWARDS LIFE.

MAYBE, BUT THAT
WHOLE DIPPING-IN THING

AIN'T FOR ME, MAN.

PICKING UP CHICKS
OF EVERY CULTURE

JUST SO YOU COULD SAY
YOU'VE HAD ONE OF EVERYTHING...

I DON'T WANNA BE SOME
CHICK'S BLACK-GIRL EXPERIENCE.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT ALICE
IS DOING WITH YOU, MAN.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

THAT WAS HER THING
WITH THE PROFESSOR LADY,

AND THAT'S WHY SHE
WENT FOR IT WITH ME,

BUT, LIKE, THE WAY
SHE LOOKED AT YOU...

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE
WENT FOR IT WITH YOU?

WHEN WE FIRST MET.

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU
WAS DEALING WITH HER.

OH, MY GOD, IT DIDN'T
EVEN MEAN ANYTHING.

YEAH, BUT IT MEANS
SOMETHING TO ME!

WHAT, YOU THINK I WANT
YOUR SLOPPY SECONDS?

IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE THAT, MAN.

YOU KNOW ME.

YEAH, I KNOW YOU.

WHAT, YOU A PLAYER, RIGHT?

THAT SHIT IS SO OLD, PAPI.

GROW UP, MAN.

HERE. TAKE THIS SHIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'VE JUST GOT DIFFERENT VALUES.

DIFFERENT CODES OF CONDUCT.

IT IS WHAT IT IS, MAN.

[ENGINE TURNING OVER]

[MOTOR REVVING]

I COULD SEE

HOW YOU USED TO BE A GIRL.

YOUR HIPS ARE KIND OF BIG.

WHAT DO YOU DO
WITH YOUR BREASTS?

DO YOU HAVE A PENIS?

MAX.

CAN I JUST SAY

THAT I THINK WHAT
YOU DID FOR MEGAN

WAS TOTALLY RIGHTEOUS?

I'VE GOT A LOT OF RESPECT

FOR YOU, DUDE.

THANKS, MAN.

[WHISPERING]: MY
BROTHER'S GAY TOO.

I'M COOL WITH IT.

[HELENA]: SHIT. TAILS.

TWO OUT OF THREE.

I'LL TRY IT TWO OUT OF THREE.

OKAY!

THERE REALLY HAS
TO BE A BETTER WAY

OF MAKING THIS DECISION.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

GIVE ME THE COIN. NUH-UH.

GIVE ME THE COIN.

THANK YOU.

[GROWLING]

IT'S CRASHING AGAIN.

I'M GOING FUCKING
NUTS, YOU GUYS.

NOW, APPARENTLY WHAT HAPPENED

IS SOME OF THE BOYS
WERE TEASING THEM,

SO SHAY PUNCHED
IVAN IN THE STOMACH.

YOU DID THAT?

YEAH.

WHY?

MIKE CUTLER SAID WE WERE GAY

BECAUSE...

YOU'RE GAY 'CAUSE...?

'CAUSE OUR MOMS ARE LEZZIES.

HE SAID HIS MOM

SAW YOU AND MRS. SOBEL...

HIS MOM SAW US WHAT?

JARED?

SHE SAID SHE SAW YOU
AND MS. McCUTCHEON

LEZZING OUT TOGETHER.

THAT'S WHEN I PUNCHED HIM.

GOOD FOR YOU, SHAY.

MS. SOBEL, I DON'T THINK

IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO
ENCOURAGE VIOLENCE.

MR. PETERSON.

WHEN PARENTS GIVE THEIR
CHILDREN THE MESSAGE

THAT IT'S OKAY TO
PERSECUTE OTHERS,

I, FOR ONE, DON'T DISAGREE

WITH THE WAY OUR
KIDS HANDLED IT.

MY MOM IS NOT GAY.

THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY
THAT THEY SAID THOSE THINGS.

ARE YOU GAY?

YEAH.

I AM.

BOYS, DO YOU THINK I
COULD JUST ASK YOU

TO STAND OUTSIDE IN THE HALL

JUST... JUST FOR A MINUTE?

YOU KNOW, I THINK THERE'S A WAY

TO SOLVE THIS.

WE'LL JUST GET THE BOYS

TO APOLOGIZE.

I MEAN, TOMORROW THEY'RE GOING
TO BE BACK PLAYING TOGETHER,

AND THIS WILL ALL BE FORGOTTEN.

YEAH, I'M GOING TO TALK TO SHAY.

NO! NO, NO, NO, NO.

I THINK THAT THE OTHER
BOYS SHOULD APOLOGIZE

TO SHAY AND JARED,

AND THEN TO THE WHOLE SCHOOL.

YOU HAVE TO LET THESE KIDS
KNOW THAT YOU WILL NOT TOLERATE

THE USE OF THE WORD
"GAY" AS AN INSULT.

I THINK THEY WERE JUST REPEATING
WHAT THEY HEARD AT HOME.

WELL, THEN MAYBE IT'S WHY
YOU SHOULD TEACH THEM HERE

THAT IT'S NOT OKAY.

THIS IS A PUBLIC SCHOOL,

AND WE HAVE TO ADHERE TO
CERTAIN POLICY STANDARDS.

NOW, WE ALL KNOW

THAT THIS IS A VERY
TOUCHY SUBJECT.

NOW, OUR JOB IS TO
EDUCATE CHILDREN,

NOT TEACH THEM HOW TO...

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR JOB IS?

IT'S TO HELP FORM THEM
INTO DECENT HUMAN BEINGS.

LISTEN, I'M AWARE OF THE FACT

THAT SOME OF THE PARENTS
ARE GOING TO GET UPSET

'CAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO
BE TEACHING THEM THINGS

THAT GO AGAINST
THEIR PERSONAL BELIEFS.

FINE, WHATEVER, BUT, I'M SORRY,

YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT A
WAY TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT THIS.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO DO THAT.

WELL, SHANE AND I WILL DO IT.

THAT'S GREAT, THANKS. THANK YOU.

I WANT "LEZ GIRLS."

I DON'T THINK I'M
THE RIGHT EXECUTIVE

FOR THIS PROJECT, AARON.

I DON'T LIKE THE STORY.

OH, COME ON.

"NINA."

[PUTS LID DOWN]

"LEZ GIRLS" IS FICTION,
AND I'M NOT NINA.

BULLSHIT.

EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE NINA.

EVERYONE KNOWS SHIT.

WELL, WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY

TO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP, DOLL.

THIS IS A HOT FUCKING PROPERTY,

AND I WANT IT FOR SHAOLIN.

IT'S A SLAM DUNK.

THE WRITER'S YOUR FRIEND, RIGHT?

JENNIFER SCHECTER.

WE USED TO BE NEIGHBORS.

I DON'T EVEN SEE HER
THAT MUCH ANYMORE.

YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE
FRIENDS WITH HER AGAIN.

PLAY THE EX-LESBIAN
CARD, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW THE LIFE,

YOU'LL BE TRUE TO THE STORY,

BLAH, BLAH.

THIS IS REALLY
AWKWARD FOR ME, OKAY?

IT'S AN AWKWARD SITUATION.

REALLY?

MORE AWKWARD THAN
BEING OUT OF A JOB?

WHA...

YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING

I'VE WANTED TO ASK YOU.

DID YOUR EX REALLY CHEAT ON YOU

WITH A PLUMBER?

IT WAS A CARPENTER.

AND IT WAS FICTION!

[JUICER BEGINS ROARING]

[PHYLLIS SOBBING]

I ALWAYS THOUGHT A
BROKEN HEART WAS A...

[SNIFFLING]: LITERARY
AFFECTATION.

PHYLLIS, I PROMISE YOU

THAT NO ONE HAS EVER
DIED OF A BROKEN HEART.

EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.

ALICE WALKER ONCE WROTE...

"YOU CAN'T TRULY
HAVE AN OPEN HEART

UNTIL IT'S BEEN BROKEN."

I KNOW IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE

RIGHT NOW, PHYLLIS,

BUT YOU WILL FIND YOUR WAY BACK

TO LOVING SOMEONE NEW.

[PHYLLIS, SNAPPING]: HELLO?

REMEMBER ME?

I DON'T WANT ANYBODY NEW.

I WANT ALICE!

ALICE WAS YOUR FIRST. OKAY?

SHE WAS YOUR COMING-OUT AFFAIR.

IF THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE

TO COME OUT,

I WANT TO GO BACK IN.

PHYLLIS... DON'T TALK
TO ME LIKE A CHILD.

I'M NOT A CHILD!

AND YOU NEED TO TURN IN

YOUR FIRST QUARTER REPORT.

[TOM]: EVERYONE'S A CHILD

IN THEIR COMING-OUT AFFAIR.

IT'S LIKE YOUR
SECOND ADOLESCENCE.

IT'S LIKE THE FIRST TIME

THAT YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT ALL THOSE CORNY SONGS

AND POEMS ARE ABOUT.

[TOM]: FOR THE FIRST TIME,

YOUR SENSES HAVE

COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED
YOUR INTELLECT.

YOU'RE EXPERIENCING EMOTIONS

THAT YOU'VE NEVER
REALLY FELT BEFORE.

AND YOU'RE FIGURING
OUT THAT YOU'RE GAY

ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

RIGHT.

WHICH MAKES IT THAT
MUCH MORE INTENSE,

BECAUSE YOU DON'T
KNOW HOW YET TO BE GAY.

OH, SO I HAVE TO
LEARN HOW TO BE GAY?

IT'S JUST A PROCESS.

I MEAN, WE'VE ALL
HAD TO GO THROUGH IT.

NO.

WHAT I FEEL FOR ALICE IS...

EXACTLY HOW I FELT FOR MY FIRST.

WHATEVER!

THE SAME THAT WE'VE
ALL BEEN THROUGH.

PHOEBE KADLEC, OKAY?

YALE DRAMA.

I WAS A JUNIOR.

PHOEBE KADLEC

IS A FIRST YEAR MFA.

SHE'S DIRECTING MA
RAINEY'S BLACK BOTTOM.

SHE'S FUCKING BRILLIANT.

SHE'S GORGEOUS.

WE TALK INTENSELY
ABOUT ART AND THEATER

AND SEMIOTICS AND RACE,

AND FINALLY, AFTER
THE LAST PERFORMANCE,

WE ALL GO OUT AND
GET INCREDIBLY DRUNK,

AND PHOEBE TAKES ME

BACK TO HER GRADUATE
STUDENT APARTMENT,

AND WE DON'T GET OUT OF BED

FOR THREE DAYS.

I AM READY TO DON

A FUCKING HAMMER

AND HELP BUILD EVERY SET FOR
EVERY PLAY SHE EVER DIRECTS,

WHEN...

GILLIE CARR,

THE ACTRESS,

COMES BANGING ON THE DOOR.

SHE LEFT PHOEBE FOR A GUY,
AND NOW SHE WANTS BACK,

AND THEN SUDDENLY, I AM LIKE

THE ANNOYING KID SISTER

THEY CANNOT GET
RID OF FAST ENOUGH.

I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE.

IT TOOK ME THREE MONTHS

BEFORE I COULD
EVEN BEGIN TO THINK

OF ANYTHING ELSE.

NOBODY EVER BROKE
MY HEART BEFORE.

I'M GOING TO GO INTO YOUR SERVER

AND CHECK YOUR WEBLOG HISTORY

AND SEE WHAT'S GOING ON, OKAY?

THANK YOU SO MUCH. I
REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.

OH, THANK ME.

I WAS THE ONE THAT CALLED HIM.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, JENNY.

I HAD TO GET OUT OF
THE OFFICE ANYWAY.

THEY CAN'T FIRE YOU, MAX.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

YEAH, BUT THEY CAN MAKE
MY LIFE REALLY MISERABLE.

[KEYS CLACKING]

JESUS, ALICE.

WHAT? IS IT FUCKED?

I MEAN, YOU'RE TOTALLY
SLAMMED WITH HITS!

YOU'VE GOTTEN, LIKE,
40,000 IN THE LAST HOUR.

YOU NEED TO SERIOUSLY UPGRADE.

I SHOULD JUST SELL IT.

10,000 BUCKS FOR IT.

REALLY?

$10,000 FOR OURCHART?

YOUR SITE'S WORTH, LIKE,
10 TIMES THAT AMOUNT.

WHAT, YOU MEAN, LIKE, $100,000?

STANDS TO MAKE FROM A
SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE

LIKE THIS? NO. NO.

NO. THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.

YOU SELL THE ADS
YOURSELF. UH-HUH.

AND THEN YOU PARTNER
WITH A TECH COMPANY

FOR THEIR SOFTWARE.

OKAY.

YOU GO TOTALLY STATE-OF-THE-ART,

AND YOU COULD HAVE,
LIKE, STREAMING VIDEO,

MUSIC, BLOGS,
INSTANT MESSAGING...

GREAT, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT, SO...

SURE YOU DO.

I MEAN, YOU'VE ALREADY
DONE THE HARDEST PART.

YOU JUST HAVEN'T BEEN
MAKING ANY MONEY AT IT.

I COULD HELP YOU WITH THAT.

REALLY? YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THAT?

IT'S WHAT I DO.

OH.

I DON'T KNOW.

MYSPACE SOLD FOR,
LIKE, A MILLION DOLLARS.

NAH, IT SOLD FOR,
LIKE, A BILLION.

[GASPING]: REALLY?
HOW COOL IS THAT?

OH, MY GOD, KIT.

MAX IS GOING TO HELP ME
BECOME AN INTERNET MOGUL.

I GOT A COUPLE OF
BILL GATES-ES-ES-ES.

DON'T FORGET IT STARTED
RIGHT HERE AT THE PLANET,

AND DO NOT FORGET MY
BLACK ASS WHEN Y'ALL GET RICH.

OH, I'LL GIVE YOU SOME MONEY.

YEAH.

AND THERE COMES THE PRETTY LADY

THAT STARTED ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.

WELL, WHAT'S UP, GIRLIES?

WELL, ALICE IS ABOUT TO
BECOME A KAZILLIONAIRE

BECAUSE OF ALL THE
PRETTY YOUNG WOMEN

YOU'VE HAD SEXUAL
DALLIANCES WITH, PAPI.

MAN, I GOT ENOUGH FLAK
FOR THAT SHIT TODAY.

[SIGHING]

[TOM]: ALL THE HOT GUYS
I FUCKED IN HIGH SCHOOL

COULD NOT COMPARE.

FIRST OF ALL, SHE WAS A GIRL,

BUT LUCY WAS ALSO
MY FIRST DEAF LOVER,

AND THE SEX WAS
EARTH-SHATTERING.

SO YOU THINK THE
SEX IS BETTER, THEN,

WITH A DEAF, UH, LOVER?

NO, NO, NO, NOT
BETTER, DIFFERENT.

WE'RE ATTUNED TO EACH OTHER

IN DIFFERENT WAYS.

SO YOU MEAN

THAT YOU CAN'T GO
AS DEEP, THOUGH?

[TOM]: HMM.

LET ME CAST MY MIND
BACK FOR JUST A MOMENT

TO THIS MORNING...

I CAN'T IMAGINE GOING
ANY DEEPER THAN THAT.

CAN YOU?

[CHUCKLING]

BACK TO ME.

I'M SORRY.

SO WHAT HAPPENED WITH LUCY?

[TOM]: WE FELL
COMPLETELY IN LOVE.

ALL THROUGH FRESHMAN YEAR,

I WOULD SCULPT, SHE WOULD PAINT.

WE TALKED ABOUT

SPENDING THE REST
OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER.

I NEVER IMAGINED
THAT IT WOULD END.

IN MY SOPHOMORE
YEAR, I MET KATHA.

BRILLIANT.

A DANCER.

I MEAN, WE HAD AN INSTANT,

UNBELIEVABLY INTENSE

ATTRACTION TO EACH ANOTHER.

AS MUCH AS I DIDN'T
WANT TO HURT LUCY...

YOU DUMPED LUCY FOR KATHA?

[TOM]: NOT RIGHT AWAY.

BUT THAT WAS WHEN I REALIZED

THAT I WOULD NEVER BE
ABLE TO BE MONOGAMOUS.

WHAT?

YOU DATED BOTH OF
THEM AT THE SAME TIME?

WELL, FOR A WHILE.

LUCY SAID SHE WANTED TO TRY.

SHE SAID THAT SHE'D RATHER

SHARE ME WITH SOMEONE ELSE

THAN NOT HAVE ME AT ALL,

BUT IN THE END, IT
MADE HER TOO UNHAPPY.

HEY, TINA! HI.

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WHILE.

I KNOW, GIRL. THE
GIRLS ARE OVER THERE.

I DON'T THINK THEY'D MIND
IF YOU GO AND JOIN THEM.

UM, ACTUALLY, I'M
HERE TO MEET JENNY.

SHE'S EXPECTING ME.

OKAY, LOOK, TINA,
COME BY ANY TIME, OKAY?

KIT?

I JUST WANTED TO TELL
YOU HOW SORRY I AM

ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT
HAPPENED WITH ANGUS.

OH, GIRL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I MEAN, COME ON, SOME PEOPLE
DO SOME REALLY STUPID THINGS.

I MEAN, THEY JUST
MAKE BAD CALLS.

BUT YOU'RE OKAY?

OH, YEAH.

I... I'M EVEN GIVING
HIM SOME SPACE

SO HE CAN DEAL WITH IT.

SOMETIMES WE NEED TO BACK OFF

SO THAT WE'RE NOT IN EACH
OTHER'S BUSINESS SO MUCH,

YOU KNOW?

WOW, THAT'S...

THAT'S REALLY VERY
EVOLVED OF YOU.

WELL.

I'M JUST...

I'M GLAD THAT BETTE
CONFRONTED HIM,

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT I WOULD'VE FIRED HAZEL

IF HE HADN'T ENDED IT.

YOU WOULD HAVE FIRED HAZEL?

YEAH, BUT... SHE'S YOUNG,

SHE JUST MOVED TO L.A.,
SHE DOESN'T KNOW ANYONE.

SHE DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER.

BUT, WOW...

THAT'S JUST...

AMAZING HOW COOL YOU ARE.

YEAH.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW ME.

"COOL KIT."

WELL, SEE YOU.

YEAH.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DIALING PHONE]

[ANGUS]: HEY! YOU'VE REACHED

ANGUS PARTRIDGE.
LEAVE ME A PEAR TREE.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

OKAY.

[DIALING PHONE]

[BETTE]: HI. IT'S BETTE.

LEAVE ME A MESSAGE.

BETTE...

IT'S ME.

PLEASE, I NEED TO TALK TO
YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, OKAY?

HEY, WHY DO YOU
GIVE THAT GIRL TINA

SUCH A HARD TIME?

OH. WOW.

SHE WENT STRAIGHT,

AND IT FEELS LIKE A BETRAYAL.

WE FIGHT OUR WHOLE LIVES

NOT TO GET JUDGED
BY WHO WE SLEEP WITH,

AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT
YOU GUYS ARE DOING TO TINA.

WOW.

FUCK.

SORRY, I HAD A MISUNDERSTANDING

WITH MY GIRL TASHA THIS MORNING.

YOU DID? ABOUT WHAT?

WELL, THE WHOLE
DOUBLE-DIPPING THING

ISN'T EXACTLY FLYING WITH HER.

DOUBLE-DIPPING?

YEAH, YOU DIPPING INTO
ME, AND THEN DIPPING IN HER.

WAIT, FIRST OF ALL, I HAVE
NOT DIPPED INTO HER, OKAY?

SHE'S VERY OFFICER
AND A GENTLEMAN.

SHE REALLY WANTS
TO TAKE THINGS SLOW.

THAT'S HOW TASHA IS.

SHE'S PRETTY
TRADITIONAL, YOU KNOW?

WELL, SHE'S IN THE FUCKIN' ARMY,

SO, YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW,
YOU SHOULD MAYBE, JUST,

LIKE, FORGET ABOUT HER.

WHAT?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALL
ABOUT US GETTING TOGETHER.

WELL, TASHA IS MY BEST FRIEND,

AND SHE IS NOT
SOME LITTLE PORTAL

OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT
YOU KEEP LOOKING FOR.

NO, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

I REALLY LIKE HER. I REALLY DO.

REMEMBER HOW, THE OTHER DAY,

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU
COULDN'T EVEN IMAGINE

GOING TO AN ARMY BASE EVERY DAY?

THAT IS TASHA'S WHOLE LIFE.

YOU NEED TO FORGET HER

IF YOU CAN'T GET
WITH WHO SHE IS.

I LOVE "LEZ GIRLS."

NINA WAS HILARIOUS.

I... I LAUGHED OUT LOUD.

THE STUFF ABOUT THE
PLUMBER DIDN'T BOTHER YOU?

[SCOFFING]

YOU AND ME, WE'RE GOING
TO MAKE A GREAT TEAM.

SHAOLIN IS COMMITTED TO
THE INTEGRITY OF THIS PROJECT.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY KNOW

IF I WANT TO MAKE A
MOVIE OUT OF MY BOOK.

WHAT KIND OF MOVIES DO YOU LOVE?

WHAT ADAPTATIONS
REALLY WORKED FOR YOU?

THE UNBEARABLE
LIGHTNESS OF BEING.

THAT'S SUCH A GOOD FILM.

OH, WOW, IF JEAN-CLAUDE CARRIERE

WERE TO ADAPT THE SCREENPLAY,

I THINK IT WOULD JUST BE...
I THINK IT WOULD BE CHIC.

WELL, JENNY, WOULDN'T YOU
PREFER A LESBIAN WRITER?

TINA, HAVE YOU READ THE BOOK?

YES.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT A
BOOK ABOUT LESBIANS.

IT'S A BOOK ABOUT
PEOPLE'S RELATIONSHIPS.

OF COURSE.

AND WE DON'T WANT
TO LIMIT OURSELF.

IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO
FIND A FEMALE DIRECTOR

IN HOLLYWOOD... OH, NO.

LET ALONE A LESBIAN DIRECTOR.

NO, I WANT IT TO BE
A WOMAN DIRECTOR.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN,
LIKE, IT'S ABOUT WOMEN,

SO YOU HAVE TO
HAVE A WOMAN ON SET,

AND, I MEAN, YOU'RE
NOT A LESBIAN ANYMORE,

AND IN THE FILM BUSINESS,

THEY DON'T LIKE
THE AUTHOR ON SET

BECAUSE THEY
BECOME TOO "PRECIOUS"

ABOUT THEIR MATERIAL, SO...

JENNY, MOVIES REACH
A HUGE AUDIENCE.

IT COULD MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE.

A TEENAGE GIRL IN THE MIDWEST

WHO'S AFRAID TO COME
OUT OF THE CLOSET...

SHE COULD SEE YOUR MOVIE.

IT COULD CHANGE HER LIFE.

IT COULD REALLY AFFECT PEOPLE.

THAT WOULD BE REALLY
NICE, WOULDN'T IT?

GOD.

MAYBE IT COULD BE A
REALLY GOOD MOVIE.

OKAY. LET'S DO IT.

FUCK IT.

I SHOULD JUST DO IT. YOU KNOW?

OKAY, THAT'S GREAT.

GREAT. YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?

YOU NEED AN AGENT.

YOU NEED A BIG HOLLYWOOD AGENT.

YOU NEED AN AGENT
TO BROKER THE DEAL.

BECCA VOYNOVICH
AT WILLIAM MORRIS.

SHE'S SMART, SHE'S LITERATE.

YOU THINK SHE'D TAKE
ME ON AS A CLIENT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL CALL HER RIGHT NOW.

YEAH. CALL HER NOW.

ALL GOOD?

OKAY. I DON'T KNOW.

ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I FEEL.

WELL, IT'S KIND OF
AN OLDER PICTURE,

BUT IT'S ME.

CAN I SPEAK TO CAPTAIN WILLIAMS?

CAPTAIN WILLIAMS,
ALICE PIZZECKI'S HERE.

OH, IT'S PIESZECKI.

LIKE, PI-AH-ZECKI.

SHE SAID YOU'RE EXPECTING HER.

WELL, SHE'S NOT
EXACTLY EXPECTING ME.

IT'S MORE OF A...

YOU KNOW...

SURPRISE? YES, MA'AM.

GO THROUGH THE GATE,
STRAIGHT DOWN THIS ROAD.

MAKE A LEFT AT THE FLAGPOLE.

CAPTAIN WILLIAMS'
OFFICE IS IN THE BUILDING

MARKED 542nd MILITARY POLICE.

PARK NEXT TO HER MOTORCYCLE.

SIR, YES, SIR.

IT'S "SERGEANT."

SERGEANT.

OKAY.

THAT'S A COOL BELT.

[KNOCKING]

[BUBBLY]: HI!

THIS IS SO NEAT!

THERE WAS, LIKE, A GUY WITH A...

LOWER YOUR VOICE.

OKAY.

I JUST... I WOULD'VE CALLED.

I'M SO SORRY
ABOUT THAT. I JUST...

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD
TELL ME NOT TO COME...

CLOSE THE DOOR.

OKAY.

I'M NOT GOING TO ASK ANYBODY

OR TELL ANYBODY ANYTHING.

I'M SERIOUS.

OKAY. SORRY.

WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?

UM, I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT...

PUT DOWN THE GRENADE.

I WANTED TO TELL YOU, UH,

THAT I REALLY LIKE YOU.

SO YOU DROVE ALL THE WAY
FROM L.A. TO LOS ALAMITOS,

TALKED YOUR WAY
ONTO A MILITARY BASE

TO TELL ME YOU REALLY LIKE ME.

YEAH, I...

I WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT
YOU'RE NOT A PORTAL TO ME.

OH, MY... PORTAL? WHAT THE FUCK?

DID PAPI TALK TO YOU?

IT DOESN'T MATTER,

BECAUSE I TALK ABOUT PORTALS
ALL THE TIME ON MY RADIO SHOW.

EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT IT.

I JUST, YOU KNOW,
I DIDN'T WANT IT

TO COME BACK AND BITE
ME IN THE ASS WITH YOU, SO...

I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO THINK

THAT YOU ARE MY FORAY

INTO THE LAND OF
HOT ARMY CHICKS.

YEAH, HOT BLACK ARMY CHICKS.

ARE YOU BLACK?

[LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

ALL RIGHT.

SO YOU'RE HERE.

YOU UP FOR A MISSION?

PRIVATE PIESZECKI
REPORTING FOR DUTY, MA'AM.

[SNICKERING]

COME WITH ME.

AND YOU DON'T SALUTE INDOORS.

OH.

SO DO THEY MAKE YOU
WEAR THAT EVERY DAY?

WHO MAKES YOU
WEAR THAT EVERY DAY?

[PLAYFUL GASP]

AT EASE.

WOW, IT'S REALLY...
IT'S LIKE G.I. JANE.

DO YOU LADIES FLY THIS?

ALICE, THESE ARE OUR PILOTS,

CHIEF BERMAN, CHIEF THOMAS,

CHIEF FULLER,

AND OUR CREW CHIEF, SOCHYNSKY.

YOU'LL NEED THIS.

WHAT FOR?

YOU'LL NEED THOSE

IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET IN THAT.

UP?

REALLY?

[LAUGHS]

YEAH.

OKAY.

♪ SEX AND FASHION AND MONEY ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS... ♪

NO.

IT'S TOO WILLFULLY DEFIANT.

♪ SEX AND FASHION AND MONEY ♪

IT'S TOO PUBLIC SCHOOL GIRL.

NO, TOO MANY BUTTONS.

TOO SOUND OF MUSIC.

I'VE LOST WEIGHT!

♪ ONLY SEX, SEX, SEX! ♪

YEAH.

IT SAYS, "I'M HERE TO
DO WHAT YOU WANT,

BUT I STILL HAVE
MY SELF-RESPECT."

♪ ALL RIGHT ♪

FANTASTIC.

[ALICE]: AREN'T YOU GOING TO

GET COURT-MARTIALED FOR THIS?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WE'RE ALL FAMILY UP HERE.

O... KAY.

TRICKY SOLDIERS.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

YEAH, THIS IS THE "ASK
AND TELL" HELICOPTER.

WHOO-HOO!

DON'T TRY THIS ANYPLACE
ELSE ON THE BASE.

YEAH, I SEE IT NOW.

[ALL LAUGHING]

ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE IT UP.

OH, MY GOD!

[ALICE SQUEALING]

IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

HELLO?

HELLO?

LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN, HELENA.

I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME.

I DIDN'T REALLY THINK
I HAD AN ALTERNATIVE.

SO I GUESS YOU'D LIKE TO
GET DOWN TO BUSINESS?

YOU WANT TO PLAY CARDS WITH ME?

I THOUGHT I ALREADY LOST.

I'M GIVING YOU ANOTHER CHANCE.

WE'RE GOING TO PLAY GIN RUMMY.

GIN RUMMY?

STRIP GIN RUMMY.

IF YOU WIN,

I'LL CONSIDER YOUR
DEBT PAID IN FULL,

BUT IF YOU LOSE, YOU PAY UP.

I THINK THAT WAS ONE OF
MY MOST FAVORITE DAYS EVER.

YEAH. ME TOO.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

ACTUALLY, I'M GLAD

THAT PAPI RAN HER BIG-ASS
MOUTH THIS MORNING.

HOW CLOSE DO YOU LIVE TO HERE?

PRETTY NEAR.

YEAH? DO YOU THINK

WE SHOULD GO TO YOUR PLACE?

I THINK YOU SHOULD GO HOME.

I SHOULD?

YEAH.

LOOK, YOU KNOW I WANT TO, RIGHT?

OH, IT SURE FEELS
LIKE YOU DO, BUT...

LOOK, I KNOW THIS MIGHT NOT

MAKE A LOT OF SENSE
THE WAY YOU ROLL,

BUT I'M JUST COMING FROM A PLACE

WHERE I REALLY NEED TO BE SURE.

OKAY, WELL,

HOW DO YOU THINK YOU'D BE SURE?

I DON'T KNOW. I'M
JUST NOT THERE YET.

DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD

GO ON A DATE?

[LAUGHING]

A DATE?

YEAH, THAT WOULD BE NICE.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL GO ON A DATE.

I STILL THINK

THESE ARE YOUR OWN
MADE-UP RULES, CATHERINE.

NO, THIS IS THE MONTE CARLO WAY.

WHEN SOMEONE WINS, THE
OTHER TAKES SOMETHING OFF,

AND THE WINNER GETS TO
PUT SOMETHING BACK ON.

THAT WAY, THE GAME LASTS LONGER.

I'VE BEEN TO MONTE
CARLO, CATHERINE.

I DIDN'T SEE A SINGLE
GAME OF GIN RUMMY.

OKAY, SO THEY ARE MY RULES.

WOULD YOU RATHER FUCK ME NOW?

NO.

GOOD.

I'M KNOCKING.

[PUTS CARDS ON TABLE]

SHIT.

THAT'S, UH,

23 FOR ME...

AND MINUS 27 FOR YOU,

AND AN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING.

IT'S YOUR DEAL.

[CHUCKLES]

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY LOVING THIS,

AREN'T YOU?

I DO ENJOY WINNING, YES.

YOU HAVEN'T WON YET.

NOT YET.

GIN.

GLOATING BECOMES YOU.

YOU'RE STALLING.

I WAS MERELY
SAVORING THE MOMENT.

AND SIX,

AND THAT MAKES...

503.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S A PLEASURE

DOING BUSINESS
WITH YOU, CATHERINE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'RE A FREE WOMAN.

AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?

[PANTIES HIT FLOOR]

♪ MY FAIREST QUEEN ♪

SIT DOWN.

♪ OH, MY DEAREST DREAM ♪

[MAN]: SO NOW WE'RE GOING
TO TALK ABOUT TOLERANCE.

WHO HERE CAN TELL ME

WHAT TOLERANCE MEANS?

SARAH.

WHEN YOU'RE NICE TO PEOPLE
WHO ARE DIFFERENT FROM YOU.

GOOD, SARAH.

SO WHEN SOMEBODY'S
DIFFERENT FROM YOU

BECAUSE OF THEIR
RACE, OR THEIR CULTURE,

OR THEIR RELIGION OR
THEIR SEXUAL ORIENTATION,

YOU TREAT THAT
PERSON WITH RESPECT.

EXCUSE ME.

HOW DETAILED

ARE WE PLANNING ON GETTING HERE?

I MEAN, THESE CHILDREN

ARE ONLY NINE.

THIS WOMAN IS A PAIN IN THE ASS.

JUST WAIT AND SEE WHAT SHE SAYS.

WHAT IS YOUR CONCERN,

MRS. GREIF?

I JUST DON'T THINK
IT'S APPROPRIATE

THAT WE DISCUSS THE DETAILS

OF MS. McCUTCHEON

AND MS. SOBEL'S
RELATIONSHIP HERE.

YOU'RE ACTUALLY

THE ONLY ONE TALKING DETAILS.

LOOK, WE ALL RESPECT YOUR RIGHT

TO BE WHO YOU ARE IN PRIVATE.

WE JUST DON'T THINK OUR CHILDREN

NEED TO LEARN ABOUT
THE GAY LIFESTYLE YET.

SCREW YOU. MY MOM'S NOT GAY.

[KIDS LAUGHING]

JARED, THAT'S ENOUGH.

PLEASE, EVERYBODY,
LET'S JUST CALM DOWN.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE, SHAY?

MY SISTER...

IS GAY.

[TOM]: HEY.

HEY.

I MISSED YOU LAST NIGHT.

I BET YOU DIDN'T MISS ME.

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

DO YOU NEED ME?

I'M GONNA...

GO HAVE A WALK
AROUND CAMPUS, I GUESS.

[DEEP SIGHING]

I'VE BEEN THINKING.

I KNOW YOU HAVE.

YEAH, I DON'T THINK THIS
IS GOING TO WORK FOR ME.

I'M SORRY, I CAN'T
UNDERSTAND YOU.

YES, YOU CAN.

LOOK.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M DATING A
WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER WOMEN,

BETTE.

IT'S JUST SOMETHING

THAT I KNOW ABOUT MYSELF...

THAT... IF I GET TIED DOWN,

I GO CRAZY.

SO YOU ARE DATING OTHER WOMEN?

NO, I WAS BEFORE I MET YOU.

YEAH.

BUT THERE REALLY IS NO ONE ELSE

I WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW.

BUT THAT COULD CHANGE TOMORROW.

ISN'T THAT WHAT
YOU'RE TELLING ME?

YOU'VE JUST GOTTEN OUT OF
AN EIGHT-YEAR RELATIONSHIP.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY
TO GET MARRIED AGAIN.

DON'T TELL ME
WHAT I'M READY FOR.

OKAY.

I WON'T.

[SIGHING]

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

COME HERE.

I... I DON'T KNOW.

WERE YOU BORN GAY?

UM, I THINK I WAS,

BUT IT'S DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE.

[PAIGE]: YEAH.

NOT EVERYBODY KNOWS RIGHT AWAY,

AND SOME PEOPLE

JUST FALL IN LOVE WITH A PERSON,

AND THAT PERSON

COULD BE A MAN OR A WOMAN.

YEAH, BUT HOW DO GIRLS DO IT?

[LAUGHTER]

UM...

HAILIE'S UNCLE JEFF IS GAY.

SO'S MY UNCLE PHIL.

THAT'S MY BROTHER'S BOYFRIEND.

NOW, THEY'RE BOTH GREAT GUYS
AND HAILIE REALLY LOVES THEM,

BUT THEY INVITED HER TO COME

AND STAY WITH THEM
FOR THE WEEKEND,

AND I'M JUST NOT
SURE I'M COMFORTABLE

WITH HER SLEEPING IN THE
SAME HOUSE WITH THEM.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I JUST REALIZED WHO YOU ARE.

YOU'RE IN THAT NEARLY NAKED,

GENDER-BENDING UNDERWEAR AD,

THAT HUGE BILLBOARD

UP ON SUNSET THAT
I HAVE TO DRIVE BY

WITH MY CHILDREN EVERY DAY.

I DON'T REALLY THINK

MS. McCUTCHEON OWES
US AN EXPLANATION...

NO, IT'S FINE.

AND I REALLY DON'T THINK...

GUESS WHAT? I CAN
GIVE AN EXPLANATION.

FIRST OFF,

I'M GOING TO ASSUME

EVERYONE WEARS UNDERPANTS.

AND SECONDLY...

[CLEARING THROAT]

I DID THAT AD

BECAUSE SHAY BROKE HIS ARM.

YOU SEE, I'M ACTUALLY
A HAIRDRESSER,

AND I CO-OWN A SKATEBOARD SHOP,

SO I DON'T MAKE A LOT OF MONEY,

AND I DIDN'T HAVE
MEDICAL INSURANCE

AT THE TIME,

BECAUSE BEFORE SHAY
CAME TO LIVE WITH ME,

I NEVER TOOK
RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING.

YOU SEE, WHEN, UH...
WHEN I WAS LITTLE,

MY PARENTS LEFT ME,

AND THE THOUGHT

OF HAVING TO CARE FOR SOMEONE,

WELL...

IT WAS SCARY,

BUT I DON'T THINK I
HAVE TO TELL YOU

THAT LOVING SHAY
AND CARING FOR HIM

HAS BEEN THE MOST
AMAZING AND IMPORTANT THING

I'VE EVER DONE.

I WOULDN'T TRADE IT

FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD,

AND I DON'T THINK BEING GAY
HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT.

SO, UH...

[CLAPS HANDS]

DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE QUESTIONS?

WHAT WAS IT REALLY?

IT WAS PENELOPE CRUZ.

NO, IT WAS MELANIE GRIFFITH.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

TO LEZ GIRLS!

YES!

AND THE BIDDING WAR OF THE YEAR.

SALUT.

IS IT REALLY THE BIDDING
WAR OF THE YEAR?

FINE LINE, FOCUS,
SEARCHLIGHT, AND WARNER,

ALL COMING TO THE TABLE.

I'M FEELING...

SEVEN FIGURES.
THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY

IS DROOLING OVER
YOUR BOOK, BABE.

I MEAN, JUST DROOLING.

KATIE HOLMES CALLED.
HER PEOPLE CALLED ME.

SHE'S INTERESTED
IN PLAYING JESSIE.

UH... I DON'T KNOW.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT JESSIE

WOULD BE KIND OF
LIKE A... LIKE A MODEL,

REALLY BLONDE AND TALL.

[JOE]: WHAT ABOUT
SCARLETT JOHANSSON?

SHE'D BE AN AWESOME JESSIE.

HI.

JENNY.

[SOTTO]: FUCK! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

WHAT WAS THE THING...

GOOD TO SEE YOU. GOOD
TO SEE YOU ALL TOGETHER.

YOU GUYS, YOU SHOULD... UH...

SHAOLIN NEEDS TO BE
ADDED TO THE BIDDING WAR.

THE BIDDING WAR? YEAH.

THIS, UH...

THIS EXCITING
THING HAS HAPPENED.

UM, ALL THESE COMPANIES

ARE BIDDING ON MY BOOK,

BUT, YOU GUYS,
TINA SHOULD GET IT.

ABSOLUTELY.

THAT'S GREAT.

[KEYS CLACKING]

[BETTE SIGHING]

I CANNOT BELIEVE

SHAY GOT TO SLEEP SO EARLY.

WELL, THEY HAD A BIG DAY.

AND I CANNOT BELIEVE

THAT YOU INVITED
THE ENTIRE CLASS

FOR A FIELD TRIP TO WAX.

I DID NOT INVITE
THAT ENTIRE CLASS!

THAT WOMAN PUSHED ME INTO IT.

IT'S NOT MY KIND OF IDEA.

NO WAY.

JARED'S WELCOME
TO STAY HERE TONIGHT

IF YOU... THINK HE'S TOO TIRED.

OH, THANKS.

THAT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA.

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR
A COUPLE OF BEERS.

YEAH.

PLEASE.

[BOTTLES CLINK]

YEAH, UM, TODAY WAS...

TODAY WAS INTENSE.

WELL, UM,

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

SINCE WE ALREADY DID THE TIME...

WE MIGHT AS WELL DO THE CRIME.

[LAUGHING]

[SITS BOTTLE DOWN]

YEAH.

♪ DON'T PUT ME OUT
TO PASTURE PONY ♪

♪ MAMA WANTS TO RIDE ♪

♪ HOW 'BOUT A
LITTLE SUGAR SUGAR ♪

♪ FOR MY HUNGRY HIDE ♪

[LAUGHING]

♪ POKE ME IN MY
PEN, NOW PIGGIE ♪

[TOILET FLUSHES]

WHAT?

ANOTHER TIME.

ANOTHER TIME. OKAY.

ANOTHER TIME. OKAY.