The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 6, Episode 5 - Nocturnal Omission - full transcript

HEY, THERE
ARE THE BOYS!

HI.
HOW'S IT GOIN'?

MAN,
AM I GLAD TO SEE

SOME REAL
FLESH-AND-BLOOD HUMANS.

10 HOURS OF SITTING
ALONE ON THE COUCH

CAN DO STRANGE THINGS
TO A MAN.

RIGHT.
ABSOLUTELY.

I'M GONNA
GRAB A BEER.

MAKE A PHONE CALL.

GOD, I LOVE
FRIDAY AFTERNOONS.

I FEEL
LIKE AN ARTIST



AND THE WEEKEND THAT LIES
AHEAD, THAT'S MY CANVAS.

SO, WHAT'VE
YOU GOT PLANNED?

A LOT OF NAPS.
HOW ABOUT YOU?

ACTUALLY, I TOLD O'BOYLE
I'D WORK A HALF DAY TOMORROW.

YOU VOLUNTEERED TO WORK ON A SATURDAY?

LOSER!

HEY. KELLY'S GOT
THE KIDS THIS WEEKEND,

AND GOING TO WORK BEATS
SITTING AT HOME IN MY APARTMENT

LISTENING TO THE ECHO

OF WHAT A FAMILY
USED TO SOUND LIKE.

LOSER.

ANYWAY, I SHOULD
GET ROLLING.

HEY.

DEACON.



HEY, CARRIE.
COME HERE.

COME ON.

AH!

OH, YEAH! THAT'S
THE GOOD STUFF.

ALL RIGHT, GET ON OUT
OF HERE, YOU BIG LUG.

GO ON.

RIGHT, UH...

SEE YA.

DO YOU HAVE
TO HIT ON HIM

RIGHT IN FRONT
OF ME?

SHH.

THEY'RE GETTING BACK
TOGETHER.

WHO?

WHO? WHO DO YOU THINK?

VAN HALEN?

DEACON AND KELLY.

WHAT'RE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

HE DIDN'T SAY
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T
KNOW ABOUT IT YET.

I JUST HAD LUNCH
WITH KELLY IN THE CITY,

AND SHE SAID SHE'S DONE
FINDING HERSELF,

LEARNING WHO KELLY IS,
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,

AND SHE IS READY
TO COME HOME,

SO WHEN SHE DROPS THE
KIDS OFF SUNDAY NIGHT,

SHE'S GONNA TELL HIM
SHE WANTS TO STAY.

MY GOD.
THAT'S GREAT.

GREAT? COME ON!
IT'S FANTASTIC!

IT IS! THEY FINALLY GET
THEIR FAMILY BACK TOGETHER.

MAN, SEEING THOSE KIDS

PACK UP THEIR LITTLE
UNDEROOS EVERY WEEKEND,

THAT WAS ROUGH.

YEAH. YOU KNOW WHO HAD IT
ROUGH? YOU AND ME, PAL.

HANGING OUT WITH ALL THOSE
OTHER COUPLES THE LAST 2 YEARS.

I HATED ONE
MORE THAN THE NEXT.

REMEMBER THE PERNWORTHS?

OH. "DOUG, WANNA SEE
MY RADIO-CONTROLLED BOAT?"

BBBLTTT! NO!

NO!

GOD.

SO, WHY
IS KELLY WAITING

TILL SUNDAY NIGHT
TO TELL HIM?

SHE'S GOTTA
TAKE THE KIDS

TO VISIT
HER MOTHER UPSTATE.

MAYBE I SHOULD GO OVER THERE
AND TELL HIM MYSELF.

WHAT?! YOU CAN'T DO THAT. WHY NOT?

BECAUSE IT'S BETWEEN
DEACON AND KELLY.

IT'S
A PRIVATE THING.

MEANWHILE, DEACON'S GOTTA BE
MISERABLE FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND?

IT'S 2 DAYS.

LET ME PAINT
A PICTURE FOR YOU, OK?

TONIGHT HE'S LONELY.

HE DRINKS HIMSELF TO SLEEP
HOLDING A LIT CIGARETTE.

HE WAKES UP
IN THE MORNING DEAD!

HE DOESN'T
DRINK OR SMOKE.

AH, OK.
BUT HE SHAVES, RIGHT?

SO HE'S CRYING WHILE HE'S
SHAVING.

THEN CUTS HIS THROAT!
DEAD!

THAT'S NOT
GONNA HAPPEN.

HE'S EATING A SANDWICH-

DOUG!

CARRIE, I'M SERIOUS.

LOOK, I MEAN...

THE GUY'S
BEEN A WRECK, OK?

WE GOT A CHANCE
TO HELP HIM OUT HERE.

WHY LET HIM SUFFER?

ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU WANNA GO TELL YOUR FRIEND
THE GOOD NEWS, GO TELL HIM.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL DO IT TOMORROW.
TRAFFIC'S BRUTAL RIGHT NOW.

COMING.

HOWDY-DOO!

HEY, MAN.
WHAT YOU DOIN' HERE?

JUST DOIN' THE SATURDAY ERRANDS.

THOUGHT
I'D COME OVER HERE,

SEE IF I COULD
LIFT YOUR SPIRITS.

ALTHOUGH YOUR SPIRITS
SEEM PRETTY LIFTED.

YUP. GOT A LITTLE COMPANY
COMING OVER IN A FEW MINUTES.

OH, YEAH? WHO?

OH, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA BELIEVE IT, MAN.

THIS MORNING
I HAD A PICKUP

AT THE AIRPORT
MARRIOTT, RIGHT?

SO I'M STANDING
IN THE LOBBY, WAITING,

AND I GLANCE OVER,
AND THERE, CHECKING IN,

SMILING AT ME, IS THIS
CRAZY HOT STEWARDESS.

SO WE START TALKING. YOU
KNOW, WHATEVER, WHATEVER.

AND SHE'S, LIKE,

"OH, I JUST GOT TRANSFERRED

"TO THE EUROPEAN ROUTE.

"I'M GOING
TO LONDON TOMORROW

AND I WON'T BE BACK
FOR AT LEAST A YEAR."

AND I'M, LIKE,
"THAT'S COOL. THAT'S COOL.

SO, UH, HOW YOU GONNA
SPEND YOUR LAST DAY HERE?"

AND SHE SAYS-
GET THIS-

"ANY SUGGESTIONS?"

HA HA HA!

I MEAN, I'M IN
MY DELIVERY UNIFORM,

SHE'S IN
HER STEWARDESS UNIFORM.

IT WAS LIKE
THE FIRST SCENE IN A PORNO.

SO, LONG STORY SHORT,

WE'RE GOING TO THE MET GAME
THIS AFTERNOON,

AND THEN AFTERWARDS
SHE'S COOKING ME DINNER

HERE, IN MY APARTMENT.

IT'S ON, BABY!
HA HA HA HA!

HUH!

IT'S-IT'S WILD, DOUG.

I'VE BEEN
THROUGH SUCH HELL,

AND THEN TODAY,
OUT OF NOWHERE,

A LITTLE SOMETHIN'- SOMETHIN'
FROM THE MAN UPSTAIRS.

AND THIS
SOMETHIN'- SOMETHIN'

IS DEFINITELY LEAVIN'
THE COUNTRY TOMORROW?

YEAH. WHY?

OOH. BYE.

HOW'D IT GO?

GREAT. STOPPED OFF
AT THE WALGREEN'S,

AND YOU'LL
BE HAPPY TO KNOW

SOMEBODY'S NOSE HAIRS
WILL NOT SURVIVE THE NIGHT.

NO, HOW'D IT GO
AT DEACON'S?

OH, THAT.

UH, I DECIDED NOT
TO TELL HIM AFTER ALL.

YOU DIDN'T
TELL HIM?

NAH.

ALL RIGHT, I NEED SOME KIND
OF CHEESE TO STEP FORWARD.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?

WHY'D YOU
CHANGE YOUR MIND?

I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT
WHAT YOU SAID, YOU KNOW,

ABOUT HOW IT'S REALLY
KELLY'S PLACE TO TELL HIM.

THAT WAS
QUITE PERSUASIVE.

SOMETIMES YOUR SHRILL TONE
MASKS A VERY GOOD POINT.

DOUG, I JUST GOT OFF
THE PHONE WITH KELLY,

AND SHE LIKED
THE IDEA OF, YOU KNOW,

YOU GOING OVER THERE

AND SETTING THE TABLE
FOR HER.

ALL RIGHTY, THEN
I'LL SET A KICK-ASS TABLE

FIRST THING
TOMORROW MORNING.

DOUG, COME ON.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHY'D YOU
CHANGE YOUR MIND?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
DIDN'T WANT YOUR FRIEND

TO BE MISERABLE
ALL WEEKEND.

HE'S HANGIN' IN THERE.

DOUG!

HEY! ME AGAIN.

HEY,
WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

YOU GOT A SEC
'CAUSE, UH, ACTUALLY,

I DO WANT TO TALK
TO YOU AFTER ALL.

OK, I THINK WE'RE
GETTING FOOD AT THE GAME

'CAUSE THAT LUNCH MEAT IN YOUR
FRIDGE HAS SEEN BETTER DAYS.

OH, HI.

ALL RIGHT.

AH, DOUGLAS, JUST THE MAN I WANT TO SEE.

PERHAPS YOU COULD HELP ME
FINISH UP MY CROSSWORD PUZZLE.

NOT RIGHT NOW, ARTHUR.

BUT I'M
TANTALIZINGLY CLOSE.

THE FINAL CLUE IS "I DREAM
OF JEANNIE STAR LARRY BLANK."

HAGMAN.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT,
BUT APPARENTLY

THE FIRST 3 LETTERS
ARE B, X, X.

ANYTHING?

WILL YOU PLEASE- I- I GOT
SOMETHING ON MY MIND HERE.

THEN DON'T YOU THINK YOU
SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT, SON?

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU GOT A SECOND?

OF COURSE.

TODAY I WAS OVER AT-

TIME'S UP!

MARVELOUS GAG,
ISN'T IT?

LEARNED THAT FROM
AN OLD ARMY BUDDY.

ANYWAY...

YOU KNOW DEACON AND KELLY HAVE BEEN
SEPARATED FOR A COUPLE YEARS NOW, RIGHT?

WELL, KELLY'S FINALLY READY
TO GET BACK TOGETHER,

BUT DEACON
DOESN'T KNOW THAT YET.

AND I WENT OVER THERE TODAY
TO TELL HIM THAT,

BUT... I DIDN'T.

WHY NOT?

WELL...

DON'T SAY ANYTHING
TO CARRIE,

BUT IT TURNS OUT DEACON
MET THIS STEWARDESS

WHO'S LEAVING THE COUNTRY
FOR GOOD TOMORROW,

AND HE'S GOT A CHANCE
TO, YOU KNOW,

BE WITH HER TONIGHT.

SUDDENLY THIS STORY TURNS
EROTIC AND FASCINATING.

SO I FIGURED AFTER
ALL HE'S BEEN THROUGH,

HE DESERVES
A NIGHT LIKE THAT.

BUT IF I TELL HIM
ABOUT KELLY COMING BACK,

HE'S GONNA FEEL TOO GUILTY
TO GO THROUGH WITH IT.

SO I DIDN'T
SAY ANYTHING.

BUT NOW I'M JUST STRUGGLING
WITH WHETHER OR NOT

I MADE
THE RIGHT DECISION.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THE GIRL'S
A STEWARDESS, YOU SAY?

YES, AND SMOKING HOT.

AREN'T THEY ALL?

NOT REALLY, NO.

WELL, FRET NOT,
MY BOY.

YOUR INSTINCTS WERE
RIGHT ON THE MONEY.

YOU THINK SO?
ABSOLUTELY.

IF DEACON
IS IN THE DARK

ABOUT HIS WIFE'S
DESIRE TO RECONCILE,

THERE ARE NO MORAL
CHAINS AROUND HIM.

HE'S FREE TO FROLIC

WITH A SENSUOUS
STRANGER TONIGHT

AND REKINDLE

THE FLAMES OF
MATRIMONY TOMORROW.

AS LONG AS HE
CHANGES HIS SHEETS,

IT'S A FAIRY TALE
ENDING!

THANKS, ARTHUR.

THAT REALLY MAKES ME
FEEL A LOT BETTER.

THAT'S WHAT I DO!

HELLO, DARLING.

HI, DADDY.

OOH, A PINK BOX.

ARE WE BEING TREATED TO
SOME DELICIOUS BAKED GOODS?

NO. SORRY. IT'S A CAKE
FOR DEACON AND KELLY.

I WANTED TO GET THEM
A LITTLE SOMETHING

FOR GETTING
BACK TOGETHER.

HAD THEM SPELL OUT
"TRUE LOVE"

IN THOSE LITTLE
CANDY HEARTS.

KIND OF SILLY, EH?

OH, GOD!
I'M A MONSTER!

HUH?

I'M AN ACCOMPLICE
TO SOMETHING TERRIBLE.

I SHOULD JUST PAINT
A SCARLET "A" ON MYSELF.

"A" FOR ADULTERY!

THEN AFTER
THIS INCIDENT PASSES,

I SUPPOSE IT COULD
STAND FOR ARTHUR.

THAT WORKED OUT WELL.

HI, HONEY.

HI.

WHATCHA DOING?

JUST WATCHING
THE MET GAME.

OH. CAN I
GET YOU ANYTHING?

COFFEE, TEA,

MAYBE A COMPLIMENTARY
HEADSET?

UH-OH.

YEAH.

I HEARD ABOUT
THE STEWARDESS,

AND YOU'RE GONNA
WISH YOUR EXITS

WERE HERE AND HERE,

'CAUSE I'M ABOUT
TO KICK YOUR ASS.

THAT'S FUNNY.

OW! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

ARTHUR!

OH, DON'T BLAME HIM.
THIS ISN'T HIS FAULT.

WHY DID HE
EVEN TELL YOU?

AN HOUR AGO,
HE AGREED WITH ME.

BECAUSE, AS YOU
POINTED OUT MANY TIMES,

HE'S INSANE.

BUT AT LEAST HE HAS A SHRED
OF DECENCY IN HIM, UNLIKE YOU.

WILL YOU
LET ME EXPLAIN?

PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME
HOW YOU CASUALLY DECIDED

TO HELP YOUR BEST FRIEND
CHEAT ON HIS WIFE.

FIRST OF ALL,
IT WASN'T CASUAL.

IT WAS A VERY
DIFFICULT DECISION.

OH, I'M GLAD
YOU CHEWED ON IT

BEFORE YOU CAME DOWN
ON THE SIDE OF ADULTERY.

SECOND OF ALL,
IT'S NOT ADULTERY,

BECAUSE THEY'RE
NOT BACK TOGETHER.

SHE'S COMING BACK.
HE WANTS HER BACK.

SO BASICALLY,
THEY ARE BACK TOGETHER.

BUT THEY'RE NOT ACTUALLY BACK TOGETHER

UNTIL DEACON KNOWS
THEY'RE BACK TOGETHER,

WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO
HAPPEN SUNDAY NIGHT.

JUST BECAUSE WE
FOUND OUT IN ADVANCE

DOESN'T GIVE US
THE RIGHT

TO TRAVEL
BACK IN TIME

AND CHANGE
THEIR DESTINY.

CARRIE, YOU DON'T MESS
WITH THE FABRIC OF TIME.

IF THERE'S ONE THING WE
LEARNED IN BACK TO THE FUTURE,

IT'S THAT.

THIS IS
YOUR EXPLANATION?!

YOU RANG, DOUGLAS?

NOTHING. FORGET IT.

WHILE I'M UP HERE,

MAYBE WE CAN PUT
OUR HEADS TOGETHER

AND FINISH UP
THIS CROSSWORD.

GET OUT!

WHO ARE YOU
CALLING?

I'M NOT
CALLING ANYBODY.

YOU'RE CALLING DEACON

TO STOP
THIS UNHOLY THING

BEFORE IT HAPPENS.

HE'S NOT HOME.
THEY'RE AT THE MET GAME.

OH, SO THAT'S WHY YOU
WERE WATCHING THE MET GAME,

TO SPY ON YOUR HANDIWORK.

YOU GOT IT. YEAH.
IT'S A DEEP FLY BALL,

WAY BACK, SAILING
HIGH OVER THE COUPLE

HUMPING
IN THE BLEACHERS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU ARE GOING
OVER THERE AFTER THE GAME.

NO, I AM NOT.

DOUG, I DON'T
UNDERSTAND YOU.

WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH YOU?

YOU COULD BE DESTROYING
A MARRIAGE HERE.

IT'S NOT GONNA
HURT THE MARRIAGE.

SHE'S LEAVING THE
COUNTRY FOR GOOD TOMORROW.

SHE'LL BE
OUT OF DEACON'S LIFE

BEFORE KELLY
WALKS BACK IN.

WE DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT
TO TRAVEL BACK IN TIME-

WILL YOU STOP
WITH THAT ALREADY?

THERE'S NO TIME TRAVEL
INVOLVED HERE, OK?

JUST HAVE
THE GUTS TO ADMIT

THAT THIS IS ABOUT YOU
WANTING YOUR BEST FRIEND

TO BANG A STEWARDESS.

FINE. I ADMIT IT.

AFTER WHAT KELLY'S
PUT HIM THROUGH,

I THINK HE DESERVES
THIS, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

LETTING IT HAPPEN
IS MY GIFT TO HIM.

THIS IS YOUR IDEA
OF A GIFT?

YEAH. A GIFT
TO CELEBRATE THE END

OF A HORRIBLE 2 YEARS.

DID YOU GET HIM
A GIFT? NO.

OK, SO DEACON
GETTING HIS WIFE BACK,

HIS KIDS,

THAT'S NOT ENOUGH
OF A GIFT.

HE NEEDS MORE
OF A GIFT THAN THAT.

THEY'RE DIFFERENT
KINDS OF GIFTS.

THAT'S WHY YOU GET MORE
THAN ONE GIFT FOR CHRISTMAS.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, CARRIE,
JEWISH PEOPLE

GIVE 8 GIFTS
FOR HANUKKAH.

OH, OK. SO ACCORDING
TO YOUR LOGIC,

WOULD IT BE OK
IF DEACON SLEPT

WITH 7 OTHER WOMEN
TONIGHT?

NO, 'CAUSE
HE'S NOT JEWISH.

THE STUPIDEST
CONVERSATION

I'VE EVER HAD.

NO. THE STUPIDEST
CONVERSATION I'VE EVER HAD,

AND BESIDES, KELLY'S
BEEN WITH A MILLION GUYS

SINCE SHE LEFT HIM.

EXCUSE ME. SHE'S BEEN
WITH EXACTLY 2 GUYS,

AND SHE ONLY SLEPT
WITH ONE OF THEM.

HE WAS AN ORTHODONTIST.

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT
HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

JUST THAT SHE REGRETTED
IT. IT WAS WEIRD.

THE GUY CRIED OR
SOMETHING. I DON'T KNOW.

THE POINT IS THAT
WHEN THAT HAPPENED,

SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
WAS GONNA HAPPEN

WITH HER
AND DEACON, OK?

TODAY IS THE DAY BEFORE
THEY'RE GETTING BACK TOGETHER.

SO IF THE SEX
GOES PAST MIDNIGHT,

IT'LL BE
THE SAME DAY.

THE SEX PROBABLY
WON'T GO PAST MIDNIGHT.

DON'T BE SO SURE.

SOME PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY PULL THAT OFF.

OH, I SEE ALL THE GUNS
ARE OUT NOW!

YOU CAN INSULT ME
ALL YOU WANT.

I'M STILL NOT GOING OVER
THERE AND TELLING HIM.

I'M JUST NOT.

ALL RIGHT.

LOOK, DOUG, OK.

I ADMIT THAT DEACON BEING
WITH THIS GIRL TONIGHT

PROBABLY WON'T DESTROY THEIR MARRIAGE,

AND, YES,
MAYBE IN SOME WAY,

HE PROBABLY
DOES DESERVE IT.

BUT I JUST FEEL

LIKE NOT TELLING
DEACON ABOUT KELLY

IS JUST WRONG.

HONEY, IT'S WRONG,

AND I KNOW
IN YOUR HEART

YOU KNOW THAT, TOO.

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.

COME ON, HONEY.

AFTER THE GAME,
WE'LL GO OVER THERE,

AND WE'LL TELL HIM,
ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

OK, GOOD. I'LL
BET HE THANKS YOU.

OH, YEAH. I EXPECT TO GET
A VERY HEARTY HANDSHAKE.

WHEN'S
THE GAME OVER?

I DON'T KNOW. A COUPLE HOURS AT LEAST.

DOUG?

WHAT?

IT'S RAINING.

SO?

IT'S RAINING!

THERE'S AN ABBOTT
AND COSTELLO MOVIE ON.

"DUE TO TODAY'S RAIN,

THE GAME WILL BE COMPLETED
TOMORROW AS A DOUBLEHEADER."

OH, MY GOD! THEY'RE PROBABLY
AT HIS APARTMENT RIGHT NOW.

SHE'S PROBABLY UNPINNING
HER LITTLE WINGS

AS WE SPEAK.

HE DOESN'T EVEN REALIZE THE
MUMMY'S RIGHT BEHIND HIM.

DOUG!

I HOPE WE'RE
NOT TOO LATE.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

CAN YOU HEAR THE
DOORBELL FROM THE BEDROOM?

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE

SINCE WE HAD
A SLUMBER PARTY.

ALL RIGHT,
JUST USE YOUR KEY.

I DON'T HAVE A KEY.

OH, DON'T GIVE ME THAT.

I KNOW YOU GUYS
SWAPPED HOUSE KEYS,

LIKE, 5 YEARS AGO.

OH, RIGHT.

MY "PLEASE BURST IN IF I'M
EVER NAILING A STEWARDESS" KEY.

RIGHT.

JUST OPEN IT.

I DON'T THINK
THEY'RE HERE.

DO YOU THINK THEY'RE
IN THE BEDROOM,

YOU KNOW, DOING IT?

HOW THE HELL
SHOULD I KNOW?

CHECK IT OUT!

DOUG.

HELLO?

DEAC?

HOT STEWARDESS?

HA HA HA!
I'M SORRY.

BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYONE RUN SO FAST

FROM A LITTLE RAIN.

THIS SHIRT IS SUEDE.
IT'S $60, BABY.

ACTUALLY,
I'M NOT SORRY

THE GAME
GOT RAINED OUT.

GIVES US MORE TIME
FOR DINNER

AND WHATNOT.

I LIKE THE SOUND
OF WHATNOT.

HA HA HA.

HOW'S IT GOING?

WHAT WERE YOU
DOING IN THERE?

I HEARD THAT THE MET
GAME GOT RAINED OUT,

SO I CAME OVER HERE

TO CLOSE YOUR WINDOWS.

OK, ONCE AGAIN, WHAT
WERE YOU DOING IN THERE?

ACTUALLY, I NEED TO TALK
TO YOU A SECOND ALONE.

WHY DON'T I
JUST WAIT INSIDE?

THANKS.

DON'T BE SCARED.

THE WHITE WOMAN COMING
OUT OF THE BATHROOM

WILL BE MY WIFE.

RIGHT.

OK.

HI. I'M MELANIE.

WOW.

SO THAT'S
PRETTY MUCH IT.

KELLY'S COMING BACK
TOMORROW.

SHE LOVES YOU, AND SHE
WANTS TO STAY MARRIED.

YEAH, THAT'S IT. THAT'S
THE WHOLE DEAL RIGHT THERE.

GREAT NEWS,
HUH, DEAC?

DEAC, YOU THERE,
BUDDY?

I LOVE MY WIFE.

THE FACT THAT
SHE'S COMING BACK

IS THE BEST NEWS

I COULD
EVER HOPE TO GET.

THAT BEING SAID,

YOU REALIZE
YOU TOLD ME

AT THE WORST
POSSIBLE TIME,

DON'T YOU?

YES. YES, I DO.

THEN WHY THE HELL
DID YOU TELL ME NOW?!

I'M SORRY. CARRIE MADE ME.

THE ONLY WORSE TIME
YOU COULD'VE PICKED

IS IF YOU WAITED
ANOTHER HALF HOUR

AND POPPED OUT FROM
UNDER THE COVERS.

I FOUGHT FOR YOU!

I FOUGHT FOR YOU,

AND I TOLD HER
YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH HELL

AND YOU DESERVE THIS,

AND THEN
SHE SAID SOME STUFF,

AND HERE WE ARE.

OH, MAN.

SO WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T
EVEN THINK STRAIGHT.

IN MY MIND,
I'M SEEING MY FAMILY

ALL BACK TOGETHER
FOR CHRISTMAS,

EXCEPT
INSTEAD OF A TREE,

WE'RE DECORATING
A NAKED STEWARDESS.

DEAC, THAT IS
A MILLION-DOLLAR IDEA.

HEY.

DID YOU GUYS
HAVE YOUR TALK?

YEAH.

OH.

OH, WHAT?

NOTHING. I WAS JUST
IN THERE WITH MELANIE,

AND, UH,
SHE AIN'T UGLY,

THAT'S
FOR DARN TOOTIN'.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? I
SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD HIM?

NO, NO. YOU DID
THE RIGHT THING.

DEFINITELY. YOU DEFINITELY
DID THE RIGHT THING,

ALTHOUGH SHE
COULD NOT BE NICER.

SHE ACTUALLY GAVE ME SOME
FREE COUPONS FOR AN UPGRADE.

WHAT THE HELL
IS SHE DOING TO ME?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT THE
HELL ARE YOU DOING TO HIM?!

NOTHING,
NOTHING, NOTHING.

I'M JUST THINKING.

THEY STILL ARE
TECHNICALLY SEPARATED,

AND KELLY
DID HAVE HER THING

WITH
THE ORTHODONTIST.

SHE SLEPT
WITH DR. GOTTLEIB?!

KIND OF. IT WAS
NOT A BIG DEAL.

LISTEN, DEACON,
YOU'RE AN ADULT.

YOU'RE CAPABLE OF MAKING
YOUR OWN DECISIONS.

WE SHOULD
HAVE NEVER INTERFERED.

JUST DO
WHAT FEELS RIGHT, OK?

COME ON, BABE.

WE WERE NEVER HERE.

THE LAST 5 MINUTES
NEVER HAPPENED.

YOU'RE JUST GETTING BACK
FROM THE MET GAME.

THE METS WON.

YOU'VE GOT
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

IN YOUR APARTMENT
WAITING FOR YOU.

AND GO.

OH, ARE THESE
YOUR KIDS?

THEY'RE ADORABLE.

AW, CRAP.

YOU KNOW, DEACON,

I ACTUALLY THINK
THIS TIME APART

WAS THE BEST POSSIBLE
THING FOR US,

DON'T YOU?

WE BOTH GOT OUT THERE

AND GOT
TO LIVE A LITTLE.

I HAD MY EXPERIENCES,

YOU HAD YOURS.

BY THE WAY,
CAN YOU TAKE KIRBY

TO HIS APPOINTMENT
AT DR. GOTTLEIB'S

ON THURSDAY?

WE'RE GONNA
NEED A NEW MIRROR.