The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 6, Episode 6 - Affidavit Justice - full transcript
Doug pretends to work at Carrie's law firm to play on the company's softball team.
GOOD MORNING.
HEY, DEAC.
DIDN'T DOUG TELL YOU I HAVE
MY LAW FIRM PICNIC TODAY?
ACTUALLY, ARTHUR
LEFT ME A MESSAGE
SAYING COME OVER
RIGHT AWAY.
IT'S "CODE BLUE."
YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS?
YEAH, CODE BLUE. COULD BE
ANYTHING FROM CHEST PAINS
TO "LOOK WHAT I MADE
OUT OF PAPER CLIPS."
DAD, DEACON'S HERE!
SEND HIM DOWN.
ANY WAY HE CAN
COME UP HERE?
I'VE NEVER BEEN
DOWN THERE.
HEY, DAD, WHY DON'T YOU
COME UP HERE
AND TALK TO HIM, OK?
NO CAN DO.
THIS MATTER IS
FAR TOO INTIMATE.
IF HE'S WEARING A ROBE,
EYES UP, OK?
ARE YOU REALLY GONNA
MAKE ME WEAR THIS SHIRT
TO THIS STUPID PICNIC?
YES. WOULD YOU
STOP COMPLAINING?
YOU LOOK ADORABLE.
I LOOK LIKE
FRUIT-STRIPED GUM.
THE PEOPLE I WORK WITH
ARE GONNA BE THERE.
YOU NEED TO LOOK NICE.
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH
THE T-SHIRT I HAD ON?
OK, NOT SURE MY BOSSES
NEED TO KNOW
THAT YOU'RE AN OFFICIAL
BIKINI INSPECTOR.
WELL, THIS SHIRT'S
GOT A RIP IN IT.
I JUST BOUGHT THAT.
WHERE?
RIGHT HERE.
BE RIGHT
WITH YOU, SON.
GRAB YOURSELF
A SEAT.
SO, ARTHUR,
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WELL, I WAS TRACING
MY ANCESTRY,
AND I HAD THESE DOCUMENTS
SENT TO ME.
TURNS OUT MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER
HAD A SMALL FARM,
AND ON THAT FARM
HE HAD SOME...
CHICKENS?
E- I-E-I-O?
NO. HE HAD-
LET'S JUST SAY HE HAD
A LITTLE HELP
AROUND THE HOUSE.
HE HAD A MAID?
NO! HE HAD SLAVES,
DAMN IT!
SLAVES, I TELL YA.
THE MAN HAD SLAVES.
WOW. OK. WELL, UM...
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE
HAD SLAVES BACK THEN.
BUT THIS IS MY FAMILY,
AND I NEED
TO SET THINGS STRAIGHT.
UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WANT TO WRITE YOU
A CHECK.
FOR REPARATIONS.
WHY WOULD YOU
WANT TO PAY ME?
WELL, YOU'RE BLACK,
AND THE ONLY OTHER
BLACK PEOPLE I KNOW
ARE ON TV.
TOSS A NUMBER AT ME.
YOU DON'T NEED TO
PAY ME REPARATIONS.
YOU DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING WRONG.
MY FAMILY COMMITTED
A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY,
AND I'M GONNA
MAKE IT RIGHT!
TOSS A NUMBER AT ME.
OK, LOOK,
HOW ABOUT THIS.
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST PAY ME
WHAT YOU OWE ME
FROM POKER?
THAT IS A SEPARATE ISSUE!
ARTHUR,
IT'S VERY NICE
THAT YOU'RE SO CONCERNED ABOUT SLAVERY,
BUT AS YOU MAY
OR MAY NOT KNOW,
I'M ALREADY FREE.
SO WE'RE GOOD.
I GOTTA GO.
ARE YOU SURE?
I WOULDN'T WANT THINGS
TO GET WEIRD BETWEEN US.
THAT SHIP HAS SAILED.
THAT'S 2 DEAD!
2 DEAD!
AND THAT'S
HOW I FOUND OUT
I'M LACTOSE
INTOLERANT.
THAT'S... WILD.
ALL RIGHT,
THIS NEXT GUY'S A LEFTY!
COVER THE LINE!
HE CAME YOUR WAY LAST TIME,
MRS. RANDOLF!
ON TOP OF THAT,
NOW I'M ALLERGIC
TO WHEAT.
OH.
AND YOU KNOW
HOW MUCH I LOVE BREAD.
YEP, THAT IS YOUR REP.
OH, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE
BACK OUT IN THE FIELD.
WE'LL PICK THIS UP
NEXT INNING.
ABSOLUTELY. OK.
UNLESS I'M HIDING
IN THE PORTA-POTTY.
DID YOU SEE
THAT CATCH?
YES, I DID.
YOU ARE RUNNING AROUND
LIKE A LUNATIC OUT THERE.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
I MADE MY ROUNDS,
WE CAN GO.
WHAT?
YOU DRAGGED ME HERE,
NOW I'M HAVING FUN.
BESIDES, WE GOT A CHANCE
OF WINNING THIS THING.
DOUG, NOBODY CARES
ABOUT THIS THING BUT YOU.
FOR GOD'S SAKE,
THE SHORTSTOP
HAS A FULL PLATE
OF CHICKEN.
OK, SEE RIGHT THERE,
THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN YOU AND I.
WHEN IT COMES
TO PICNIC SOFTBALL,
YOU GOT NOTHING
IN HERE.
EXCUSE ME.
WHILE I'M UP, WOULD YOU
GET ME A PLATE OF CHICKEN?
YEAH! WHOO-HOO!
HA HA HA! YOU!
OH, MY GOD!
YEAH!
HEY, BABE, YOU READY
TO HIT EL CHOLO'S?
UH, YES, WE WILL EAT,
JUST AS SOON AS YOU
APOLOGIZE TO MR. THOMPSON.
YOU LURED ME DOWN
HERE WITH MEXICAN FOOD?
YES. AND ONCE AGAIN,
IT WORKED.
OK, HERE HE COMES.
UH, MR. THOMPSON,
DO YOU HAVE A SECOND?
DOUG, YOU REMEMBER
MR. THOMPSON
AND MR. KAPLAN,
ONE OF
THE SENIOR PARTNERS.
OH.
HOW YOU DOING?
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
HOW'S IT GOING? OH.
HEY.
HEY.
YEAH, DOUG JUST WANTED
TO APOLOGIZE
FOR RUNNING INTO YOU
LIKE THAT AT THE GAME.
RIGHT, HONEY?
YEAH, I'M SORRY
ABOUT THAT.
I GUESS YOU WON'T BE
BLOCKING THE PLATE
NEXT TIME, THOUGH,
WILL YOU?
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
IT'S HIS OWN FAULT.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
YOU LET A CORPORATE LAWYER
DO A LITIGATOR'S JOB.
THAT IS FUNNY.
ANYWAY, THIS IS GREAT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I LIKE THE WAY
YOU PLAY, DOUG.
I LIKE YOUR HUSTLE.
REALLY?
CARRIE, COULD YOU
GRAB US SOME COFFEE?
DOUG, YOU
WANT SOME COFFEE?
SURE.
HONEY, YOU KNOW
HOW I LIKE IT.
SURE. BE RIGHT BACK,
SWEETIE.
YOU KNOW,
OUR FIRM HAS A TEAM.
WE PLAY IN
THE LAWYERS' LEAGUE
SATURDAYS IN THE PARK,
AND I AM SICK OF GETTING
OUR HEINIES KICKED.
HOW'D YOU LIKE
TO COME PLAY FOR US?
I'M NOT A LAWYER.
WELL, NOBODY
HAS TO KNOW THAT.
YEAH!
YOU GET OUT THERE,
YOU FUDGE IT.
YOU COULD DO THAT FOR US,
COULDN'T YOU, DOUG?
WELL, I DO
LIKE FUDGE.
EXCUSE ME, I REALLY DON'T
THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
OH, I THINK
IT'S A GREAT IDEA.
WHY AM I NOT
DRINKING COFFEE?
RIGHT.
SO HOW WOULD
THIS WORK, NOW?
I JUST SHOW UP
AT THE BALL FIELD
CARRYING
A BRIEFCASE?
OH, YOU'RE MARVELOUS.
NO. YOU JUST TELL THEM
YOU'RE NEW TO THE FIRM.
WE'LL SET YOU UP
WITH A PHONE LINE HERE
IN CASE ANYBODY CALLS.
WE'LL HAVE CARRIE
ANSWER THE PHONE.
WON'T THAT BE CUTE?
IF I CAN JUST
OFFER A THOUGHT HERE-
YOU KNOW
WHAT MY THOUGHT IS?
BAGELS.
ONION.
HEY.
HEY, CARRIE.
IS THAT DEACON?
I NEED A ONE-ON-ONE
WITH YOU ASAP.
WELL, WHAT IS IT?
NOT HERE.
SO, SLUGGER'S WIFE,
YOU WANT TO APOLOGIZE
TO ME NOW
OR LATER WITH INTEREST?
AND BY INTEREST
I MEAN...
WAH WAH WAH REOWRRR.
STOMACH CRAMPS?
NO. SEX.
AND WHICH ONE OF US
IS MAKING THAT NOISE?
ME, WHEN YOU
DO THE WAH...
NEVER MIND.
ALL RIGHT, THE POINT IS
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO
WORRY ABOUT, ALL RIGHT?
YOUR BOSSES LOVE ME.
I'M GONNA BE THEIR RINGER,
FOR GOD SAKES.
YEAH, ABOUT THAT-
WHAT?
UM, LOOK, I THINK YOU'RE
A GREAT SOFTBALL PLAYER.
OK, NO DOUBT
ABOUT THAT.
IT'S JUST THIS WHOLE
PRETENDING TO BE A LAWYER THING.
I THINK WE SHOULD
SLIP THE PIN
BACK IN THE GRENADE
ON THAT ONE.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
YOU DON'T THINK
I SHOULD PLAY?
NO, I DON'T.
THERE'S MANY WAYS
THIS THING COULD GO SOUTH,
AND THEN ALL OF SUDDEN
THEY DON'T
LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
AND THEN THEY
DON'T LOVE ME SO MUCH.
SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
IS LAWYER-WISE,
YOU DON'T THINK I HAVE
ENOUGH CONVINCIBILITY.
CONVINCIBILITY?
OK, YOU'RE GONNA
COMMIT TO THAT WORD?
SHUT UP.
I CAN PASS AS A LAWYER, NO PROBLEM.
DOUG, LOOK, YOU CAN PASS
AS A LOT OF THINGS, OK?
FURNACE GUY, UH, ROOFER,
MALL SECURITY,
ANYTHING IN THE MALL,
REALLY, BUT LAWYER?
THAT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE
EVERYBODY AT THE FIRM
SEEMS TO THINK I CAN
HANDLE IT JUST FINE.
THEY'RE SENDING ME A LIMO
FOR THE FREAKIN' GAMES,
AND AS I RECALL,
THEY'VE ASKED YOU
TO ANSWER MY PHONE!
IF YOU DON'T
WATCH YOUR STEP,
YOU'RE GONNA BE MAKING
YOUR NEXT POT OF POTATOES
ON THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE.
NOT THESE, THOUGH.
I WANT THESE.
TAKE THE CHECK.
NO.
PLEASE.
I CAN'T SLEEP.
I WAS TOSSING
AND TURNING ALL NIGHT.
MY SHEETS ARE
SOAKED WITH SWEAT.
FEEL THEM. NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
FEEL THEM!
I BELIEVE YOU.
FINE. I'LL TAKE
THE MONEY, OK?
THANK YOU.
HUH. $237.
I THINK
THAT'S A FAIR NUMBER.
IT'S A LITTLE RANDOM.
I MEAN, HOW'D YOU
COME UP WITH THAT?
SIMPLE. THERE WERE
12 SLAVES ON THE FARM,
BUT MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER
ONLY OWNED HALF THE FARM.
OF HIS 6,
2 LIVED IN THE HOUSE.
LET'S FACE IT.
THAT'S A SWEET DEAL.
DOUG, WE'RE GONNA BE
AT THE GAME IN 10 MINUTES.
FOCUS.
WHERE DID YOU
GO TO LAW SCHOOL?
EXCUSE ME. AHEM.
JEREMY? DOUG
FROM THE BACK AGAIN.
YEAH, LISTEN.
COULD YOU GOOSE UP
THE HEAT A BIT?
I'M A LITTLE TIGHT.
THANK YOU.
YOU, GO.
WHERE DID YOU
GO TO LAW SCHOOL?
I DIDN'T.
I WAS HOMESCHOOLED.
DOUG, COME ON! YOU SAID YOU'D
LET ME COACH YOU THROUGH THIS.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
IF ANYBODY ASKS,
I'LL JUST SAY
I WENT TO STAMFORD.
I'M SORRY. DID YOU JUST SAY
"STAMFORD" WITH AN "M"?
YEAH.
STAMFORD LAW SCHOOL.
OK, THE SCHOOL
YOU'RE THINKING OF
IS STANFORD,
WITH AN "N."
NO. IT'S STAMFORD.
I KNOW.
I DELIVERED THERE.
I'VE SEEN THE SIGN.
OK, DUMB-ASS,
YOU'RE THINKING OF
STAMFORD, CONNECTICUT, OK?
STANFORD LAW SCHOOL
IS IN CALIFORNIA.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T LIKE ALL THIS
NEGATIVITY BEFORE A GAME.
IT'S DISCO TIME.
HOW LONG YOU BEEN
AT KAPLAN HORNSTEIN?
ACTUALLY,
I, UH, JUST STARTED.
WHERE WERE YOU
BEFORE THAT?
I WAS OVER AT CARSON...
DALY... AND LEIBOWITZ.
DOUG HEFFERNAN'S
OFFICE.
NO, DOUG.
NO MESSAGES.
SO, THE BAILIFF WALKS IN,
AND HE'S LIKE, "ALL RISE."
I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T FEEL
LIKE RISING TODAY."
AND I DIDN'T.
YOU'RE
CRAZY, HEFFERNAN.
YOU KNOW ME.
I DON'T CARE.
DOUG HEFFERNAN'S
OFFICE.
NOT LOVING THE WAY
YOU'RE ANSWERING MY PHONE.
I'M BUSY.
I'M JUST SAYING YOU COULD
BE A LITTLE FRIENDLIER.
"GOOD AFTERNOON,
AND THANK YOU
"FOR CALLING
MR. HEFFERNAN'S OFFICE.
HOW MAY I
ASSIST YOU TODAY?"
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
JUST CHECKING TO SEE
IF I GOT ANY MESSAGES.
FOR THE 40th TIME,
NO MESSAGES.
NOT A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE
LOOKING FOR A FAKE LAWYER.
HONEY, YOUR OTHER LINE
IS RINGING.
BE CHARMING. USE THE GOOD
GREETING. "GOOD AFTERNOON"-
DOUG HEFFERNAN'S OFFICE.
UH, NO, HE'S NOT IN.
COULD YOU HOLD ON
FOR ONE SECOND, SIR?
THANKS SO MUCH.
I GOTTA CALL YOU BACK.
WAIT. WHO IS IT?
GARY ROGERS FROM
EPSTEIN & EPSTEIN.
HE'S CALLING
TO CONGRATULATE YOU
ON A GREAT GAME
ON SATURDAY.
REALLY?
PATCH ME THROUGH.
NO, I'M NOT GOING
TO PATCH YOU THROUGH.
HE'S A SENIOR PARTNER.
I CAN HANDLE IT. DO YOUR
JOB, AND YOU PATCH ME THROUGH.
FINE, BUT JUST
TAKE THE COMPLIMENT,
SAY "THANK YOU," AND HANG UP
AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
OH, THANKS FOR
JOINING US, DOUG.
OH, THANKS
FOR CALLING ME.
NOTHING LIKE A GOOD MAR-TOONI
AFTER A TOUGH DAY AT...
LAW.
I HEAR THAT.
IT DOES GET
TO BE A GRIND.
YES, IT DO, BUT...
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR
ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.
OH, YOU LOVE YOUR WORK, HUH?
I DO. I REALLY DO.
IN A LOT OF WAYS,
UH-AHEM-
BEING A LAWYER,
WHICH I THINK WE CAN
AGREE WE ALL ARE...
IS A LOT LIKE, UH,
BEING A PACKAGE
DELIVERY GUY.
HOW SO, DOUG?
OH, UH, WELL, YOU...
KNOCK ON DOORS,
AND YOU HOPE YOU
DON'T GET BIT BY A DOG.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN IN
FRONT OF JUDGE FARNSWORTH.
GOOD OLD FARNSWORTH.
HEY, FARNSIE!
OH, ANYWAY, DOUG,
LET ME CUT TO THE CHASE.
WE WANT TO KNOW
IF YOU HAVE ANY INTEREST
IN COMING OVER TO EPSTEIN,
EPSTEIN, ROGERS & WOLF.
TO DO WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
CORPORATE LITIGATION?
WE'LL FIND
A PLACE FOR YOU,
AS LONG AS YOU BRING THAT
BIG BAT OF YOURS WITH YOU.
SO, WHAT'S KAPLAN
PAYING YOU OVER THERE?
OH, I-I GET
THE GOING RATE...
AND AN EXTRA $10
FOR EACH CONVICTION.
WELL, I'M PREPARED TO
OFFER YOU A BASE OF 150,000.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
HEY, GUYS.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING A SUIT?
WHAT'D YOU DO?
NOTHING. JUST HAD A LITTLE
POWER LUNCH WITH THE BOYS
OVER AT EPSTEIN,
EPSTEIN, ROGERS AND...
WOLF?
BINGO.
YOU HAD LUNCH WITH THEM?
I TOLD YOU JUST TO SAY
THANK YOU AND HANG UP!
WELL, I TRIED,
BUT THEN THEY ASKED ME
IF I ENJOYED
A GOOD STEAK,
TO WHICH I RESPONDED,
"I CARRY MY OWN KNIFE."
WELL, WHAT THE HELL
DID YOU TALK ABOUT?
WELL, FIRST,
WE TALKED ABOUT OUR KIDS-
BY THE WAY,
IF IT COMES UP, WE HAVE 2.
AND THEN-
WELL, THEN
THEY OFFERED ME A JOB.
WHAT?
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL BRING YOU OVER WITH ME,
YOU KNOW,
ONCE I GET SETTLED.
YOU TOOK THE JOB?
WELL, NOT YET,
BUT I'M MULLING IT OVER.
CONGRATULATIONS,
DOUGLAS.
HE'S NOT A LAWYER.
YOU'RE NOT A LAWYER.
REALLY? WHY
DON'T YOU TELL THAT
TO THE 2 FIRMS
CURRENTLY WOOING ME?
MY GOD.
ARE YOU INSANE?
THE MAN
JUST MADE LAWYER.
WHY DO YOU HAVE
TO PISS ALL OVER IT?
I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT SHE DOES.
EVER SINCE
THIS WHOLE THING STARTED,
SHE'S BEEN
KNOCKING ME DOWN.
AS FAR AS
I'M CONCERNED,
IF THEY HIRE HIM
AS A LAWYER,
HE'S A LAWYER.
WHEN I GOT HIRED AS
A SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST,
DO YOU THINK I KNEW THE
FIRST THING ABOUT IT?
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WELL, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, DAD.
COULD YOU-WHAT?
COULD YOU MOVE THIS CRAP?
WHAT IS THIS?
THAT'S
MY ANCESTRY REPORT.
THIS ISN'T
EVEN FOR YOU.
THIS IS
FOR ARTHUR SPINNER.
DEACON, THANK YOU FOR THE
RIDE TO THE SENIOR CENTER.
YOU DRIVE WONDERFULLY.
YOU'RE WELCOME,
AND BY THE WAY,
WITH THAT MONEY
YOU GAVE ME,
I PUT SOME SWEET NEW
SPEAKERS IN MY CAR.
HERE. CHECK IT OUT.
MARVELOUS. VERY RHYTHMIC.
THAT BEING SAID,
YOU'LL HAVE
TO RETURN THEM.
WHAT?
I GOT THE WRONG
ANCESTRY REPORT.
MY FAMILY WERE
ACTUALLY IRISH GYPSIES.
WE NEVER OWNED SLAVES.
WE WERE DRUNKEN THIEVES.
SO?
SO I WANT
MY MONEY BACK.
LOOK, YOU FORCED ME TO TAKE
THE MONEY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I BOUGHT SPEAKERS.
THEY'RE NOW PART OF MY CAR.
I'M NOT GIVING YOU
YOUR MONEY BACK.
WELL, I THINK YOU ARE!
OH, I THINK I'M NOT!
DAMN IT, MAN! YOU TOOK THOSE
REPARATIONS UNDER FALSE PRETENSES.
NO, I TOOK
THOSE REPARATIONS
TO GET THE HELL
OUT OF YOUR BASEMENT.
LOOK, ARTHUR,
I'D GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY BACK IF I COULD,
BUT I'M SORRY. I JUST DON'T
HAVE THE CASH RIGHT NOW.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THIS?
IN LIEU OF CASH,
MAYBE YOU CAN PAY ME BACK
IN SOME TYPE OF... SERVICES.
HUH?
YOU KNOW, HELP OUT
AROUND THE HOUSE.
PERHAPS...
WORK THE YARD A BIT.
YOU WANT ME
TO BE YOUR SLAVE?
IT'S NOT MY FIRST CHOICE,
BUT IT WOULD GET US
OUT OF THIS MESS.
HEY. DID YOU TALK
TO ROGERS?
DID YOU TELL HIM
NO YET?
NO, I HAVEN'T
TALKED TO HIM YET.
I'M STILL MULLING.
AND YOU'RE
STILL NOT A LAWYER.
I'D BE
AN AWESOME LAWYER.
OH!
OH, GOD!
OH, THAT IS NOT GOOD!
BOY, THEY SURE YANKED THAT
LIMO PRETTY QUICK, HUH?
SHAMAHAMA!
HEY, DEAC.
DIDN'T DOUG TELL YOU I HAVE
MY LAW FIRM PICNIC TODAY?
ACTUALLY, ARTHUR
LEFT ME A MESSAGE
SAYING COME OVER
RIGHT AWAY.
IT'S "CODE BLUE."
YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS?
YEAH, CODE BLUE. COULD BE
ANYTHING FROM CHEST PAINS
TO "LOOK WHAT I MADE
OUT OF PAPER CLIPS."
DAD, DEACON'S HERE!
SEND HIM DOWN.
ANY WAY HE CAN
COME UP HERE?
I'VE NEVER BEEN
DOWN THERE.
HEY, DAD, WHY DON'T YOU
COME UP HERE
AND TALK TO HIM, OK?
NO CAN DO.
THIS MATTER IS
FAR TOO INTIMATE.
IF HE'S WEARING A ROBE,
EYES UP, OK?
ARE YOU REALLY GONNA
MAKE ME WEAR THIS SHIRT
TO THIS STUPID PICNIC?
YES. WOULD YOU
STOP COMPLAINING?
YOU LOOK ADORABLE.
I LOOK LIKE
FRUIT-STRIPED GUM.
THE PEOPLE I WORK WITH
ARE GONNA BE THERE.
YOU NEED TO LOOK NICE.
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH
THE T-SHIRT I HAD ON?
OK, NOT SURE MY BOSSES
NEED TO KNOW
THAT YOU'RE AN OFFICIAL
BIKINI INSPECTOR.
WELL, THIS SHIRT'S
GOT A RIP IN IT.
I JUST BOUGHT THAT.
WHERE?
RIGHT HERE.
BE RIGHT
WITH YOU, SON.
GRAB YOURSELF
A SEAT.
SO, ARTHUR,
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WELL, I WAS TRACING
MY ANCESTRY,
AND I HAD THESE DOCUMENTS
SENT TO ME.
TURNS OUT MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER
HAD A SMALL FARM,
AND ON THAT FARM
HE HAD SOME...
CHICKENS?
E- I-E-I-O?
NO. HE HAD-
LET'S JUST SAY HE HAD
A LITTLE HELP
AROUND THE HOUSE.
HE HAD A MAID?
NO! HE HAD SLAVES,
DAMN IT!
SLAVES, I TELL YA.
THE MAN HAD SLAVES.
WOW. OK. WELL, UM...
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE
HAD SLAVES BACK THEN.
BUT THIS IS MY FAMILY,
AND I NEED
TO SET THINGS STRAIGHT.
UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WANT TO WRITE YOU
A CHECK.
FOR REPARATIONS.
WHY WOULD YOU
WANT TO PAY ME?
WELL, YOU'RE BLACK,
AND THE ONLY OTHER
BLACK PEOPLE I KNOW
ARE ON TV.
TOSS A NUMBER AT ME.
YOU DON'T NEED TO
PAY ME REPARATIONS.
YOU DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING WRONG.
MY FAMILY COMMITTED
A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY,
AND I'M GONNA
MAKE IT RIGHT!
TOSS A NUMBER AT ME.
OK, LOOK,
HOW ABOUT THIS.
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST PAY ME
WHAT YOU OWE ME
FROM POKER?
THAT IS A SEPARATE ISSUE!
ARTHUR,
IT'S VERY NICE
THAT YOU'RE SO CONCERNED ABOUT SLAVERY,
BUT AS YOU MAY
OR MAY NOT KNOW,
I'M ALREADY FREE.
SO WE'RE GOOD.
I GOTTA GO.
ARE YOU SURE?
I WOULDN'T WANT THINGS
TO GET WEIRD BETWEEN US.
THAT SHIP HAS SAILED.
THAT'S 2 DEAD!
2 DEAD!
AND THAT'S
HOW I FOUND OUT
I'M LACTOSE
INTOLERANT.
THAT'S... WILD.
ALL RIGHT,
THIS NEXT GUY'S A LEFTY!
COVER THE LINE!
HE CAME YOUR WAY LAST TIME,
MRS. RANDOLF!
ON TOP OF THAT,
NOW I'M ALLERGIC
TO WHEAT.
OH.
AND YOU KNOW
HOW MUCH I LOVE BREAD.
YEP, THAT IS YOUR REP.
OH, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE
BACK OUT IN THE FIELD.
WE'LL PICK THIS UP
NEXT INNING.
ABSOLUTELY. OK.
UNLESS I'M HIDING
IN THE PORTA-POTTY.
DID YOU SEE
THAT CATCH?
YES, I DID.
YOU ARE RUNNING AROUND
LIKE A LUNATIC OUT THERE.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
I MADE MY ROUNDS,
WE CAN GO.
WHAT?
YOU DRAGGED ME HERE,
NOW I'M HAVING FUN.
BESIDES, WE GOT A CHANCE
OF WINNING THIS THING.
DOUG, NOBODY CARES
ABOUT THIS THING BUT YOU.
FOR GOD'S SAKE,
THE SHORTSTOP
HAS A FULL PLATE
OF CHICKEN.
OK, SEE RIGHT THERE,
THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN YOU AND I.
WHEN IT COMES
TO PICNIC SOFTBALL,
YOU GOT NOTHING
IN HERE.
EXCUSE ME.
WHILE I'M UP, WOULD YOU
GET ME A PLATE OF CHICKEN?
YEAH! WHOO-HOO!
HA HA HA! YOU!
OH, MY GOD!
YEAH!
HEY, BABE, YOU READY
TO HIT EL CHOLO'S?
UH, YES, WE WILL EAT,
JUST AS SOON AS YOU
APOLOGIZE TO MR. THOMPSON.
YOU LURED ME DOWN
HERE WITH MEXICAN FOOD?
YES. AND ONCE AGAIN,
IT WORKED.
OK, HERE HE COMES.
UH, MR. THOMPSON,
DO YOU HAVE A SECOND?
DOUG, YOU REMEMBER
MR. THOMPSON
AND MR. KAPLAN,
ONE OF
THE SENIOR PARTNERS.
OH.
HOW YOU DOING?
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
HOW'S IT GOING? OH.
HEY.
HEY.
YEAH, DOUG JUST WANTED
TO APOLOGIZE
FOR RUNNING INTO YOU
LIKE THAT AT THE GAME.
RIGHT, HONEY?
YEAH, I'M SORRY
ABOUT THAT.
I GUESS YOU WON'T BE
BLOCKING THE PLATE
NEXT TIME, THOUGH,
WILL YOU?
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
IT'S HIS OWN FAULT.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
YOU LET A CORPORATE LAWYER
DO A LITIGATOR'S JOB.
THAT IS FUNNY.
ANYWAY, THIS IS GREAT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I LIKE THE WAY
YOU PLAY, DOUG.
I LIKE YOUR HUSTLE.
REALLY?
CARRIE, COULD YOU
GRAB US SOME COFFEE?
DOUG, YOU
WANT SOME COFFEE?
SURE.
HONEY, YOU KNOW
HOW I LIKE IT.
SURE. BE RIGHT BACK,
SWEETIE.
YOU KNOW,
OUR FIRM HAS A TEAM.
WE PLAY IN
THE LAWYERS' LEAGUE
SATURDAYS IN THE PARK,
AND I AM SICK OF GETTING
OUR HEINIES KICKED.
HOW'D YOU LIKE
TO COME PLAY FOR US?
I'M NOT A LAWYER.
WELL, NOBODY
HAS TO KNOW THAT.
YEAH!
YOU GET OUT THERE,
YOU FUDGE IT.
YOU COULD DO THAT FOR US,
COULDN'T YOU, DOUG?
WELL, I DO
LIKE FUDGE.
EXCUSE ME, I REALLY DON'T
THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
OH, I THINK
IT'S A GREAT IDEA.
WHY AM I NOT
DRINKING COFFEE?
RIGHT.
SO HOW WOULD
THIS WORK, NOW?
I JUST SHOW UP
AT THE BALL FIELD
CARRYING
A BRIEFCASE?
OH, YOU'RE MARVELOUS.
NO. YOU JUST TELL THEM
YOU'RE NEW TO THE FIRM.
WE'LL SET YOU UP
WITH A PHONE LINE HERE
IN CASE ANYBODY CALLS.
WE'LL HAVE CARRIE
ANSWER THE PHONE.
WON'T THAT BE CUTE?
IF I CAN JUST
OFFER A THOUGHT HERE-
YOU KNOW
WHAT MY THOUGHT IS?
BAGELS.
ONION.
HEY.
HEY, CARRIE.
IS THAT DEACON?
I NEED A ONE-ON-ONE
WITH YOU ASAP.
WELL, WHAT IS IT?
NOT HERE.
SO, SLUGGER'S WIFE,
YOU WANT TO APOLOGIZE
TO ME NOW
OR LATER WITH INTEREST?
AND BY INTEREST
I MEAN...
WAH WAH WAH REOWRRR.
STOMACH CRAMPS?
NO. SEX.
AND WHICH ONE OF US
IS MAKING THAT NOISE?
ME, WHEN YOU
DO THE WAH...
NEVER MIND.
ALL RIGHT, THE POINT IS
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO
WORRY ABOUT, ALL RIGHT?
YOUR BOSSES LOVE ME.
I'M GONNA BE THEIR RINGER,
FOR GOD SAKES.
YEAH, ABOUT THAT-
WHAT?
UM, LOOK, I THINK YOU'RE
A GREAT SOFTBALL PLAYER.
OK, NO DOUBT
ABOUT THAT.
IT'S JUST THIS WHOLE
PRETENDING TO BE A LAWYER THING.
I THINK WE SHOULD
SLIP THE PIN
BACK IN THE GRENADE
ON THAT ONE.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
YOU DON'T THINK
I SHOULD PLAY?
NO, I DON'T.
THERE'S MANY WAYS
THIS THING COULD GO SOUTH,
AND THEN ALL OF SUDDEN
THEY DON'T
LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
AND THEN THEY
DON'T LOVE ME SO MUCH.
SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
IS LAWYER-WISE,
YOU DON'T THINK I HAVE
ENOUGH CONVINCIBILITY.
CONVINCIBILITY?
OK, YOU'RE GONNA
COMMIT TO THAT WORD?
SHUT UP.
I CAN PASS AS A LAWYER, NO PROBLEM.
DOUG, LOOK, YOU CAN PASS
AS A LOT OF THINGS, OK?
FURNACE GUY, UH, ROOFER,
MALL SECURITY,
ANYTHING IN THE MALL,
REALLY, BUT LAWYER?
THAT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE
EVERYBODY AT THE FIRM
SEEMS TO THINK I CAN
HANDLE IT JUST FINE.
THEY'RE SENDING ME A LIMO
FOR THE FREAKIN' GAMES,
AND AS I RECALL,
THEY'VE ASKED YOU
TO ANSWER MY PHONE!
IF YOU DON'T
WATCH YOUR STEP,
YOU'RE GONNA BE MAKING
YOUR NEXT POT OF POTATOES
ON THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE.
NOT THESE, THOUGH.
I WANT THESE.
TAKE THE CHECK.
NO.
PLEASE.
I CAN'T SLEEP.
I WAS TOSSING
AND TURNING ALL NIGHT.
MY SHEETS ARE
SOAKED WITH SWEAT.
FEEL THEM. NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
FEEL THEM!
I BELIEVE YOU.
FINE. I'LL TAKE
THE MONEY, OK?
THANK YOU.
HUH. $237.
I THINK
THAT'S A FAIR NUMBER.
IT'S A LITTLE RANDOM.
I MEAN, HOW'D YOU
COME UP WITH THAT?
SIMPLE. THERE WERE
12 SLAVES ON THE FARM,
BUT MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER
ONLY OWNED HALF THE FARM.
OF HIS 6,
2 LIVED IN THE HOUSE.
LET'S FACE IT.
THAT'S A SWEET DEAL.
DOUG, WE'RE GONNA BE
AT THE GAME IN 10 MINUTES.
FOCUS.
WHERE DID YOU
GO TO LAW SCHOOL?
EXCUSE ME. AHEM.
JEREMY? DOUG
FROM THE BACK AGAIN.
YEAH, LISTEN.
COULD YOU GOOSE UP
THE HEAT A BIT?
I'M A LITTLE TIGHT.
THANK YOU.
YOU, GO.
WHERE DID YOU
GO TO LAW SCHOOL?
I DIDN'T.
I WAS HOMESCHOOLED.
DOUG, COME ON! YOU SAID YOU'D
LET ME COACH YOU THROUGH THIS.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
IF ANYBODY ASKS,
I'LL JUST SAY
I WENT TO STAMFORD.
I'M SORRY. DID YOU JUST SAY
"STAMFORD" WITH AN "M"?
YEAH.
STAMFORD LAW SCHOOL.
OK, THE SCHOOL
YOU'RE THINKING OF
IS STANFORD,
WITH AN "N."
NO. IT'S STAMFORD.
I KNOW.
I DELIVERED THERE.
I'VE SEEN THE SIGN.
OK, DUMB-ASS,
YOU'RE THINKING OF
STAMFORD, CONNECTICUT, OK?
STANFORD LAW SCHOOL
IS IN CALIFORNIA.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T LIKE ALL THIS
NEGATIVITY BEFORE A GAME.
IT'S DISCO TIME.
HOW LONG YOU BEEN
AT KAPLAN HORNSTEIN?
ACTUALLY,
I, UH, JUST STARTED.
WHERE WERE YOU
BEFORE THAT?
I WAS OVER AT CARSON...
DALY... AND LEIBOWITZ.
DOUG HEFFERNAN'S
OFFICE.
NO, DOUG.
NO MESSAGES.
SO, THE BAILIFF WALKS IN,
AND HE'S LIKE, "ALL RISE."
I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T FEEL
LIKE RISING TODAY."
AND I DIDN'T.
YOU'RE
CRAZY, HEFFERNAN.
YOU KNOW ME.
I DON'T CARE.
DOUG HEFFERNAN'S
OFFICE.
NOT LOVING THE WAY
YOU'RE ANSWERING MY PHONE.
I'M BUSY.
I'M JUST SAYING YOU COULD
BE A LITTLE FRIENDLIER.
"GOOD AFTERNOON,
AND THANK YOU
"FOR CALLING
MR. HEFFERNAN'S OFFICE.
HOW MAY I
ASSIST YOU TODAY?"
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
JUST CHECKING TO SEE
IF I GOT ANY MESSAGES.
FOR THE 40th TIME,
NO MESSAGES.
NOT A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE
LOOKING FOR A FAKE LAWYER.
HONEY, YOUR OTHER LINE
IS RINGING.
BE CHARMING. USE THE GOOD
GREETING. "GOOD AFTERNOON"-
DOUG HEFFERNAN'S OFFICE.
UH, NO, HE'S NOT IN.
COULD YOU HOLD ON
FOR ONE SECOND, SIR?
THANKS SO MUCH.
I GOTTA CALL YOU BACK.
WAIT. WHO IS IT?
GARY ROGERS FROM
EPSTEIN & EPSTEIN.
HE'S CALLING
TO CONGRATULATE YOU
ON A GREAT GAME
ON SATURDAY.
REALLY?
PATCH ME THROUGH.
NO, I'M NOT GOING
TO PATCH YOU THROUGH.
HE'S A SENIOR PARTNER.
I CAN HANDLE IT. DO YOUR
JOB, AND YOU PATCH ME THROUGH.
FINE, BUT JUST
TAKE THE COMPLIMENT,
SAY "THANK YOU," AND HANG UP
AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
OH, THANKS FOR
JOINING US, DOUG.
OH, THANKS
FOR CALLING ME.
NOTHING LIKE A GOOD MAR-TOONI
AFTER A TOUGH DAY AT...
LAW.
I HEAR THAT.
IT DOES GET
TO BE A GRIND.
YES, IT DO, BUT...
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR
ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.
OH, YOU LOVE YOUR WORK, HUH?
I DO. I REALLY DO.
IN A LOT OF WAYS,
UH-AHEM-
BEING A LAWYER,
WHICH I THINK WE CAN
AGREE WE ALL ARE...
IS A LOT LIKE, UH,
BEING A PACKAGE
DELIVERY GUY.
HOW SO, DOUG?
OH, UH, WELL, YOU...
KNOCK ON DOORS,
AND YOU HOPE YOU
DON'T GET BIT BY A DOG.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN IN
FRONT OF JUDGE FARNSWORTH.
GOOD OLD FARNSWORTH.
HEY, FARNSIE!
OH, ANYWAY, DOUG,
LET ME CUT TO THE CHASE.
WE WANT TO KNOW
IF YOU HAVE ANY INTEREST
IN COMING OVER TO EPSTEIN,
EPSTEIN, ROGERS & WOLF.
TO DO WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
CORPORATE LITIGATION?
WE'LL FIND
A PLACE FOR YOU,
AS LONG AS YOU BRING THAT
BIG BAT OF YOURS WITH YOU.
SO, WHAT'S KAPLAN
PAYING YOU OVER THERE?
OH, I-I GET
THE GOING RATE...
AND AN EXTRA $10
FOR EACH CONVICTION.
WELL, I'M PREPARED TO
OFFER YOU A BASE OF 150,000.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
HEY, GUYS.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING A SUIT?
WHAT'D YOU DO?
NOTHING. JUST HAD A LITTLE
POWER LUNCH WITH THE BOYS
OVER AT EPSTEIN,
EPSTEIN, ROGERS AND...
WOLF?
BINGO.
YOU HAD LUNCH WITH THEM?
I TOLD YOU JUST TO SAY
THANK YOU AND HANG UP!
WELL, I TRIED,
BUT THEN THEY ASKED ME
IF I ENJOYED
A GOOD STEAK,
TO WHICH I RESPONDED,
"I CARRY MY OWN KNIFE."
WELL, WHAT THE HELL
DID YOU TALK ABOUT?
WELL, FIRST,
WE TALKED ABOUT OUR KIDS-
BY THE WAY,
IF IT COMES UP, WE HAVE 2.
AND THEN-
WELL, THEN
THEY OFFERED ME A JOB.
WHAT?
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL BRING YOU OVER WITH ME,
YOU KNOW,
ONCE I GET SETTLED.
YOU TOOK THE JOB?
WELL, NOT YET,
BUT I'M MULLING IT OVER.
CONGRATULATIONS,
DOUGLAS.
HE'S NOT A LAWYER.
YOU'RE NOT A LAWYER.
REALLY? WHY
DON'T YOU TELL THAT
TO THE 2 FIRMS
CURRENTLY WOOING ME?
MY GOD.
ARE YOU INSANE?
THE MAN
JUST MADE LAWYER.
WHY DO YOU HAVE
TO PISS ALL OVER IT?
I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT SHE DOES.
EVER SINCE
THIS WHOLE THING STARTED,
SHE'S BEEN
KNOCKING ME DOWN.
AS FAR AS
I'M CONCERNED,
IF THEY HIRE HIM
AS A LAWYER,
HE'S A LAWYER.
WHEN I GOT HIRED AS
A SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST,
DO YOU THINK I KNEW THE
FIRST THING ABOUT IT?
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WELL, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, DAD.
COULD YOU-WHAT?
COULD YOU MOVE THIS CRAP?
WHAT IS THIS?
THAT'S
MY ANCESTRY REPORT.
THIS ISN'T
EVEN FOR YOU.
THIS IS
FOR ARTHUR SPINNER.
DEACON, THANK YOU FOR THE
RIDE TO THE SENIOR CENTER.
YOU DRIVE WONDERFULLY.
YOU'RE WELCOME,
AND BY THE WAY,
WITH THAT MONEY
YOU GAVE ME,
I PUT SOME SWEET NEW
SPEAKERS IN MY CAR.
HERE. CHECK IT OUT.
MARVELOUS. VERY RHYTHMIC.
THAT BEING SAID,
YOU'LL HAVE
TO RETURN THEM.
WHAT?
I GOT THE WRONG
ANCESTRY REPORT.
MY FAMILY WERE
ACTUALLY IRISH GYPSIES.
WE NEVER OWNED SLAVES.
WE WERE DRUNKEN THIEVES.
SO?
SO I WANT
MY MONEY BACK.
LOOK, YOU FORCED ME TO TAKE
THE MONEY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I BOUGHT SPEAKERS.
THEY'RE NOW PART OF MY CAR.
I'M NOT GIVING YOU
YOUR MONEY BACK.
WELL, I THINK YOU ARE!
OH, I THINK I'M NOT!
DAMN IT, MAN! YOU TOOK THOSE
REPARATIONS UNDER FALSE PRETENSES.
NO, I TOOK
THOSE REPARATIONS
TO GET THE HELL
OUT OF YOUR BASEMENT.
LOOK, ARTHUR,
I'D GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY BACK IF I COULD,
BUT I'M SORRY. I JUST DON'T
HAVE THE CASH RIGHT NOW.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THIS?
IN LIEU OF CASH,
MAYBE YOU CAN PAY ME BACK
IN SOME TYPE OF... SERVICES.
HUH?
YOU KNOW, HELP OUT
AROUND THE HOUSE.
PERHAPS...
WORK THE YARD A BIT.
YOU WANT ME
TO BE YOUR SLAVE?
IT'S NOT MY FIRST CHOICE,
BUT IT WOULD GET US
OUT OF THIS MESS.
HEY. DID YOU TALK
TO ROGERS?
DID YOU TELL HIM
NO YET?
NO, I HAVEN'T
TALKED TO HIM YET.
I'M STILL MULLING.
AND YOU'RE
STILL NOT A LAWYER.
I'D BE
AN AWESOME LAWYER.
OH!
OH, GOD!
OH, THAT IS NOT GOOD!
BOY, THEY SURE YANKED THAT
LIMO PRETTY QUICK, HUH?
SHAMAHAMA!