The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 6, Episode 4 - Dreading Vows - full transcript
Doug and Carrie want to renew their vows.
WOW. I DON'T KNOW
WHO THIS BROWN BETTY IS,
BUT SHE KNOWS HER WAY
AROUND AN APPLE.
CAN I HAVE A BITE?
OH, MY GOD.
I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.
MMM! MMM, THAT'S GOOD!
HOW GREAT IS THIS PLACE?
THE GREATEST!
OFF THE HOOK,
AS THE KIDS
LIKE TO SAY.
I MEAN, THE AMBIENCE,
THE VIEW.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THE SUN
GOING DOWN OVER THAT BLUFF.
AND YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER
BEEN A BIG FAN
OF THE "SUNSET,"
BUT THAT'S PRETTY GREAT.
HOW LUCKY WERE WE JUST
TO STUMBLE ONTO THIS SPOT?
THANK GOD THERE WAS A
SHOOTING AT THAT WAFFLE PLACE.
HUH.
THAT WAS WEIRD.
WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW. I-
WHEN I KISSED YOU, MY
HEART WAS BEATING ALL FAST,
AND-I DON'T KNOW-
FELT ALL WARM INSIDE.
YOU THINK SOMETHING
WAS WRONG WITH THE SHRIMP?
NO.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
I THINK IT'S LOVE.
SHUT UP!
I'M SERIOUS!
AND I'M NOT JUST SAYING
IT TO GET SEX FROM YOU.
REALLY?
YEAH.
I MEAN, IF YOU STARTED DOING STUFF TO ME
UNDER THE TABLE, I
DON'T THINK I'D STOP YOU,
BUT... IT'S
NOT ABOUT THAT.
YOU KNOW,
I FEEL LIKE
I'M FALLING IN LOVE
WITH YOU ALL OVER AGAIN.
IN FACT, IF WE
WEREN'T MARRIED,
I'D BE PROPOSING TO YOU
RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
OH!
AND YOU'D BE LOOKING
INTO MY EYES SAYING,
"GIVE ME A COUPLE OF
DAYS TO THINK ABOUT IT."
STOP!
HEY, YOU KNOW,
I HAVE AN IDEA.
EH, FORGET IT.
IT'S STUPID.
WHAT?
I WAS JUST THINKING,
YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD
RENEW OUR VOWS, YOU KNOW?
HAVE, LIKE,
A WHOLE CEREMONY HERE.
ON THE BLUFF.
I DON'T LOVE IT.
YOU DON'T?
I SUPER LOVE IT!
REALLY? HOW GREAT
IS THIS GONNA BE?
WE'LL INVITE ALL
OUR FRIENDS, OUR FAMILY,
WE'LL GET IT CATERED, WE'LL
HAVE SOMEONE PLAYING THE FLUTE.
HEY, I CAN FINALLY
GET MY MONKEY.
WHAT'S THAT, BABY?
REMEMBER AT OUR WEDDING,
I ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE
A MONKEY WALK
DOWN THE AISLE
AND HAND ME
THE RING.
YEAH. YEAH!
NO REASON YOU CAN'T HAVE
YOUR MONKEY THIS TIME.
SWEET.
DARLING, ALLOW ME
TO HEARKEN YOU BACK
TO A BLEAK
DECEMBER DAY
IN THE MIDST
OF WORLD WAR II
WHEN A YOUNG ARTHUR
SPOONER SAVED THE LIFE
OF A FELLOW SOLDIER
NAMED RUSTY BUBBICO.
OK, IS THIS
A RANDOM HEARKENING,
OR ARE YOU GOING
SOMEWHERE WITH THIS?
OK, I'M GOING
SOMEWHERE.
OK.
WE VISITED THE RED
LIGHT DISTRICT ONE NIGHT,
AND I FRONTED HIM
A PROPHYLACTIC.
GONORRHEA WAS THE FLAVOR
OF THE MONTH BACK THEN.
SO IT'S A LOVE STORY.
HEH HEH! IT IS NOW.
HE GAVE ME A FINE
BOTTLE OF PORT WINE
AS HIS WAY
OF SAYING THANKS.
I'VE BEEN SAVING IT
ALL THESE YEARS,
AND I'VE DECIDED TO
GIVE IT TO YOU TWO
ON THE DAY
YOU RENEW YOUR VOWS.
OH! THAT'S VERY GENEROUS.
THANK YOU, DAD.
MY PLEASURE,
DARLING.
OK, MA, WELL,
IT'S 3 WEEKS FROM TODAY,
SO YOU BETTER START
WORKING ON A FLIGHT OUT.
WE WILL. JOE,
WE SHOULD USE OUR MILES.
I'M SURE THAT WEEKEND
WILL BE BLACKED OUT.
THEY ALWAYS BLACK OUT
THE WEEKENDS
WE WANT TO USE
THE MILES.
WE'LL BE THERE
WITH BELLS ON, DARLING.
LIKE THAT YOGURT PLACE.
THEY STOPPED TAKING
THOSE PUNCH CARDS
JUST BEFORE I WAS DUE
FOR MY FREE CONE.
IT'S ALL A SCAM.
YEAH, I'M SURE
THAT THE YOGURT PLACE
AND THE AIRLINES
ARE IN CAHOOTS.
FOCUS, MA. OK?
YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE
TO TALK TO HIM.
SORRY, DEAR.
LISTEN, DON'T FORGET
TO INVITE OUR FRIENDS SMITTY AND JULES.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHO THEY ARE.
YOU KNOW
SMITTY AND JULES.
OK, NOT ONLY
DON'T I KNOW THEM,
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHICH ONE'S THE MAN
AND WHICH ONE'S
THE WOMAN.
I'LL TELL THEM TO EXPECT AN INVITATION.
OK, FINE, MA. ALL RIGHT,
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I GOTTA GO. OK, BYE-BYE, SWEETHEART.
ALL RIGHT, BYE.
NOW BACK TO THE IMPORTANT
STUFF-FINDING US A MONKEY.
MONKEY, MONKEY, MONKEY.
"MIRRORS, MONEY ORDERS,
MONOGRAMS, MUFFLERS."
WHERE'S "MONKEY"?
HOW DOES MONKEY NOT HAVE,
LIKE, 2 FULL PAGES?
YEAH, DOUG, ABOUT THE
WHOLE MONKEY THING,
I WAS JUST THINKING
THAT, YOU KNOW,
MAYBE A VOW RENEWAL
MONKEY IS A WASTE.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD
SAVE IT FOR SOMETHING
A LITTLE BIT
MORE FESTIVE,
LIKE A CINCO DE MAYO
MONKEY.
YOU KNOW,
GET HIM A SOMBRERO,
A LITTLE CAP GUN
SIX-SHOOTER.
YOU KNOW-POW!
YOU KNOW?
HMM. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T
KNOW IF I FEEL COMFORTABLE
DEGRADING A MONKEY
THAT WAY.
LET'S-LET'S
JUST STICK WITH THE PLAN.
OK.
IT'S OPEN.
ARTHUR, YOU KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T
LEAVE THE DOOR UNLOCKED LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, ANY FREAK CAN JUST
WALK IN OFF THE STREET.
OH, VERY FUNNY.
UM, I'M RETURNING
CARRIE'S COPY OF THE HOURS.
LET HER KNOW I THOUGHT
IT WAS HAUNTING.
WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT THERE?
A BOTTLE OF PORT I'M
GIVING TO DOUG AND CARRIE
FOR THEIR VOW RENEWAL.
IT'S MY LITTLE WAY OF SAYING
HOW SPECIAL
THEY ARE TO ME.
A DUGAHNO NOVIDADE. THIS
THING'S WORTH A BUNDLE.
REALLY?
OH, SURE.
A MEMBER OF
MY WINE ENTHUSIASTS CLUB
BOUGHT ONE
FOR OVER $1,200.
OH, MY GOD!
YEAH.
YOU SEE, THE REASON
IT'S SO RARE
IS THAT YEAR THERE WAS AN EARLY
FROST, SO THE GRAPE HARVEST-
MESSAGE RECEIVED,
STUBBY.
WHY ARE YOU
SO BENT OUT OF SHAPE?
DON'T YOU GET IT?
I PROMISED TO GIVE THIS
TO DOUGLAS AND CARRIE.
DAMN IT. WHY DIDN'T I JUST
MAKE THEM ANOTHER BIRDHOUSE?
WEDDING VOW
RENEWAL, HUH?
WHAT YOU PLAN
ON DOING,
YOU KNOW,
BEST MAN-WISE?
IS IT GONNA BE
DEACON AGAIN?
BECAUSE AT YOUR WEDDING, YOU PICKED HIM
AND, YOU KNOW,
NOT ME,
AND NOT THAT
I REALLY CARED,
BUT IT WAS... WEIRD.
ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M
NOT GOING WITH A BEST MAN.
UH, HELLO!
SOMEONE HAS TO HAND YOU
THE WEDDING RING.
IT'S TRADITION.
YEAH. I'M HAVING
A MONKEY DO THAT.
WHAT?
YEAH, I WAS GONNA GO
WITH A SPIDER MONKEY,
AND THEN I DECIDED YOU
ONLY GET MARRIED AGAIN ONCE,
SO I'M GOING
WITH A CHIMP.
THAT'S YOUR CADILLAC
OF MONKEYS.
WAIT A MINUTE HERE.
HOLD ON.
I LOST OUT
ON BEING BEST MAN...
TO A MONKEY?
NOT BY MUCH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
OH, OK, UH, WELL,
MY WIFE AND I,
WE'RE RENEWING OUR VOWS,
AND WE NEED TO RENT SOME
CHAIRS AND TABLES AND STUFF.
HERE'S THE DATE,
THERE'S THE TIME.
NOW, DO I NEED TO LEAVE
YOU A DEPOSIT OR YOU-
FIRST THINGS FIRST.
WHAT KIND OF CHAIRS
DID YOU WANT?
UH...
THE KIND YOU, UH,
SIT ON.
WE OFFER
11 DIFFERENT STYLES.
FLAT BACK, ARCHED,
FAUX BAMBOO.
I'M OBLIGED TO ALSO
MENTION BEAN BAG CHAIRS,
BUT I FORBID YOU. SIT DOWN
AND I'LL GO GET OUR CATALOG.
OK.
"THE BEASTIE BOY"?
OH, THAT'S
MY MONKEY GUY.
HELLO. HEY! SO WE'RE
GOOD TO GO ON THE 18th?
WHAT?
OHH. CAN'T
FLEISCHMAN TOYOTA
HAVE THEIR "GOING
BANANAS" SALE WITHOUT HIM?
OK, FINE. UM,
SO I GUESS WE'LL GO
WITH THAT
SPIDER MONKEY.
OH, MY GOD.
I'M SO SORRY.
OK, THEN. THANKS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
I CAN'T GET MY MONKEY.
OH, CAN'T YOU?
WELL, MAYBE
I'M NOT AVAILABLE NOW.
ALL RIGHT.
NO, NO, I'LL DO IT,
I'LL DO IT.
YES, HI. I'M LOOKING FOR
MARIA FERRARO, THE FLUTIST.
THIS IS SHE.
THE FLAUTIST.
HEY, POTAY-TO,
POTAH-TO, RIGHT?
IT'S FLAUTIST.
RIGHT. ANYWAY, MY HUSBAND
AND I WERE THINKING
ABOUT HIRING YOU
FOR OUR VOW RENEWAL,
AND I WAS JUST WONDERING
IF I COULD HEAR YOU
PLAY
A LITTLE SOMETHING.
WELL, THE PHONE ISN'T
REALLY THE BEST MEDIUM.
EITHER FLAUT OR
GET OFF THE POT, OK?
UH, HELLO? WOULD YOU
JUST HOLD ON
FOR ONE SECOND, OK?
HELLO? MISS?
YOO-HOO!
BE RIGHT BACK.
HELLO.
HI, DARLING.
I WAS JUST THINKING
INSTEAD OF THAT
STODGY OLD PORT WINE,
HOW ABOUT IF I FLOAT YOU
A DELIGHTFUL BOTTLE
OF PEACH SCHNAPPS?
NEARLY FULL.
WELL, DAD, I KIND OF
HAD MY HEART SET
ON TRYING THE PORT.
UH-HUH. WHAT ABOUT
IF I THROW IN A CANNED HAM?
ALL RIGHT, I GOTTA GO. I'LL
TALK TO YOU LATER. HELLO?
HEY, I NEED YOU
TO DECIDE ON A TABLE.
THEY HAVE ROUND, OVAL,
SQUARE, RECTANGLE,
ONE IN THAT
STOP-SIGN SHAPE-
I'M ON THE OTHER LINE
RIGHT NOW, HONEY.
LISTEN, I AM VERY CLOSE
TO BLACKING OUT.
PLEASE PICK A SHAPE.
I AM ON THE OTHER LINE
WITH THE FLUTE LADY.
WAIT A SECOND.
NO, I GOTTA GO.
I'LL TALK TO YOU
AT HOME. OK, BYE.
THAT SOUNDED GREAT.
HELLO?
YOU STILL THERE?
WHERE ARE YOU?
I THINK THE MORE
APPROPRIATE QUESTION
IS WHERE WERE YOU?
OH, UM, I'M SORRY.
SEE, WHAT HAPPENED WAS-
UGH! THIS PARTY!
ARE ALL FLAUTISTS
BITCHES?
BECAUSE I KNOW
3 OF THEM ARE.
AND THE BAKERY WON'T
DELIVER TO THE BLUFF,
SO WE GOTTA
DRIVE 25 MILES
WITH A 4-FOOT-HIGH CAKE
STRAPPED TO OUR HOOD.
AND PORT-A-POTTIES
ARE A FORTUNE.
CAN'T WE JUST TELL
EVERYBODY ON THE INVITATION
TO COME HAVING PEED?
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
MR. BONGO'S A WHORE.
WHAT?
HE BLEW US OFF
BECAUSE HE GOT A JOB
WORKING A TOYOTA DEALERSHIP
WITH PHIL SIMMS.
OH, I'M SORRY, BABY.
WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT
THAT A BEAUTIFUL THING
LIKE A VOW RENEWAL
WOULD BE SUCH
A PAIN IN THE ASS?
I KNOW.
BUT YOU'RE STILL
INTO IT, RIGHT?
YEAH.
I MEAN, IF YOU ARE.
NO, I AM.
I'D BE WILLING NOT TO, THOUGH, IF YOU-
OK.
REALLY?
YEAH.
OH, MY GOD!
I AM SO RELIEVED! WE ARE
KILLING OURSELVES HERE.
YES!
OH, I'M SO HAPPY
WE'RE NOT DOING THIS.
WHAT WERE WE THINKING?
I KNOW! I MEAN, WE ALREADY DID OUR VOWS.
WE SAID THEM ONCE.
THEY NEVER GO BAD.
THEY'RE LIKE TWINKIES.
RIGHT!
HEY, KIDS,
DON'T MIND ME.
JUST DROPPING OFF
SOME LITERATURE.
APPARENTLY, THEY FOUND
A LINK BETWEEN PORT WINE
AND IRRITABLE
BOWEL SYNDROME.
OH, THAT'S OK, DAD.
WE DECIDED NOT
TO RENEW OUR VOWS.
OH, WELL,
THAT'S TOO BAD.
HOT DOG!
HELLO.
DOUGIE, IT'S MOM. HEY, MA.
I JUST WANTED YOU TO
KNOW SMITTY IS DIABETIC
AND IS WONDERING
IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
SPLENDA PACKETS
ON THE TABLE.
OH, WELL,
YOU CAN TELL HIM...
OR HER NOT TO WORRY
BECAUSE WE'RE CALLING
THE WHOLE THING OFF.
WHAT?
YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT JUST TURNED
INTO A HUGE PAIN,
AND WE JUST
DECIDED TO BAG IT.
OH. I SEE.
WELL, I'LL TELL SMITTY,
AND, UH,
THAT'S THAT, THEN.
OK, MA,
THEN SAY HI TO DAD,
AND I'LL TALK
TO YOU SOON.
GOOD-BYE, SWEETHEART. BYE.
JOE! THE KIDS
ARE IN TROUBLE!
HEY, CARRIE.
I NEED YOU TO 3-HOLE-PUNCH
THIS SET OF PAPERS,
AND 2-HOLE-PUNCH
THIS SET,
AND REMEMBER TO SAVE
THOSE LITTLE CIRCLES-
FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE
CONFETTI. I KNOW.
OK. YOU'RE THE BEST.
MM-HMM.
OH, BY THE WAY, I'M COMING
SOLO TO YOUR VOW RENEWAL.
I FIGURE
ROMANTIC SETTING,
WHY BRING
AN OLD COW ALONG
WHEN THERE ARE NEW CALVES
FOR THE LASSOING?
YOU DIDN'T HEAR? WE
CANCELED THE WHOLE THING.
OH. SORRY.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
OH, NO, NO. IT'S OK.
IT JUST BECAME A HASSLE.
A HASSLE. MM-HMM.
YOU KNOW, CARRIE,
WE HAVE A POLICY FOR
WHAT WE CALL CRISIS LEAVE.
YEAH, NO, I KNOW.
I REMEMBER FROM
WHEN YOU TOOK YOURS.
BUT, NO, WE'RE FINE.
DOUG AND I ARE GREAT.
WE'VE NEVER
BEEN BETTER.
RIGHT.
HEY, KIDDO. I JUST HEARD
YOU CALLED THINGS OFF.
YOU OK?
YEAH?
TALK TO ME, GUY.
EXCUSE ME?
TALK TO ME.
ABOUT WHAT?
TALK... TO... ME.
HEY!
LOOK, I HEARD YOU
WERE CANCELING YOUR VOWS.
I
- I HAD NO IDEA THINGS WERE THIS BAD WITH YOU TWO.
IT'S NOT BAD. WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT JUST BECAME A BIG
PAIN, THAT'S ALL.
HEY, WHEN I ACCEPTED
YOUR INVITATION
TO BE YOUR BEST MAN,
I DIDN'T JUST SIGN UP
FOR THE GOOD TIMES.
I CONSIDER IT
A RESPONSIBILITY,
AND I TAKE IT
VERY SERIOUSLY.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE A MONKEY.
SHH!
EASY.
IT'S ME HERE.
TAKE OFF THE MASK.
Let me see your face.
OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE
RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT, MAN.
WE SHOULD TALK,
BUT, UH,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
THESE WALLS HAVE EARS,
SO LET'S GO OUTSIDE
AND DO IT OUT THERE.
OH, GOOD CALL, BUDDY.
YEAH, TOTALLY.
AHEM. OK.
SO HAS ANYBODY
BOUGHT MY PORT?
WE DON'T KNOW
YET, OK?
THIS IS
AN ON-LINE AUCTION.
IT COULD GO ON
FOR DAYS.
WELL, I CAN'T
SIT HERE FOR DAYS.
I MEAN, THE NEXT 2
ARE FINE, BUT ON THURSDAY,
I'M SAMPLING FOOD
AT COSTCO WITH MICKEY.
THE CURRENT BID
IS...
$1,350!
MAMALOSHEN!
OHH. HEY, GUYS. WHAT ARE
YOU DOING ON MY COMPUTER?
OH, JUST, UH...
LOOKING AT PORNOGRAPHY,
SWEETHEART.
WELL, GOOD LUCK
WITH THAT.
THANK YOU.
SUPERMARKET
KNOCKOFF ADVIL NOW!
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOU?
OH, WORK WAS CRAZY.
I MEAN, EVER SINCE WE
CANCELED RENEWING OUR VOWS,
EVERYONE THINKS OUR
MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE.
THEY WERE ALL LIKE,
"ARE YOU OK?
WE'RE HERE FOR YOU,
SWEETIE."
IT'S SO
FREAKIN' ANNOYING.
I GOT THE SAME THING
FROM DANNY,
AND THE CHAIR GUY
INVITED ME OUT FOR SUSHI.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET THE MACHINE GET IT.
IT'S PROBABLY JUST DANNY
REMINDING ME HUGS ARE FREE.
DOUGIE,
IT'S YOUR MOTHER.
I'M GONNA TRY AND
SAY THIS WITHOUT CRYING.
EVERY MARRIAGE
HAS ITS POTHOLES...
OH, GOD.
IT'S SPREAD TO FLORIDA.
AND MARRIAGE CAN BE A LONG
AND WONDERFUL WINDING ROAD.
ALL RIGHT,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHOULD WE JUST
GO THROUGH WITH THIS
TO STOP
THIS MADNESS?
WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?
WE'RE NOT GONNA DO IT
JUST TO PROVE
SOMETHING TO PEOPLE.
DOUG, I CAN'T LIVE
LIKE THIS ANYMORE!
AND WHEN TROUBLE
COMES INTO THAT HOME-
OH, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!
WILL YOU LEAVE THEM ALONE?
GO BACK
TO YOUR PROGRAM, JOE!
THIS IS A PRIVATE
CONVERSATION.
WHEN YOU HAVE TROUBLE,
ALL YOU NEED TO GET THROUGH
IT IS FAITH IN EACH OTHER
AND IN GOD.
OH, GREAT. NOW SHE'S GOT
GOD IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS.
THAT'S
A LOT OF FIREPOWER.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
WE'LL DO IT!
MA, MA, YEAH.
DON'T WORRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE
GONNA RENEW THE VOWS.
WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU'RE HAPPY.
OK. BYE.
THAT'S A KICK
IN THE OBLONGS.
AND IT'S BECAUSE OF
THE LOVE THAT YOU TWO SHARE
THAT YOU'VE CHOSEN
TO COME TOGETHER
AT THIS BLESSED RENEWAL
OF YOUR WEDDING VOWS.
AM I CORRECT?
HMM?
OH. YEAH, YEAH. BEAUTIFUL
THING, BEAUTIFUL.
WELL, NOW, ARE YOU PLANNING
ON WRITING YOUR OWN VOWS?
GOTTA BE HONEST
WITH YOU, FATHER.
WHATEVER YOU
GOT HANDY IS FINE.
YEAH, WE'LL JUST
TAKE THE STANDARD VOWS,
AND WE'LL FILL IN ALL THE
PERSONAL STUFF, LIKE MAD LIBS.
UH, DOUG, UH, CARRIE,
YOU DO REALIZE
THIS IS A VOW RENEWAL.
YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO THIS.
OH, NO, NO, NO,
WE HAVE TO DO THIS.
YEAH, BECAUSE EVERYONE
WE KNOW IS ALL OVER US
BECAUSE
OF HER GREAT IDEA.
WHOA, WHOA!
YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO
BLAME ME FOR THIS, ARE YOU?
ALL I'M SAYING IS IF
YOU HADN'T THOUGHT OF IT,
MY MOM WOULDN'T BE CRYING
INTO OUR ANSWERING MACHINE.
OH, PLEASE,
WOULD YOU?
I'M GONNA GO GET
THE AFFIRMATION
OF LOVE PAMPHLET.
FIRST OF ALL, THE ONLY
REASON WHY I THOUGHT OF IT
IN THE FIRST PLACE IS BECAUSE
YOU WERE GOING ON AND ON
ABOUT HOW MUCH "IN LOVE" YOU
WERE WITH ME AT THE RESTAURANT.
AND THE ONLY REASON I
WAS SAYING I WAS "IN LOVE"
WITH YOU IS BECAUSE
YOU GOT ME DRUNK
AND PROMISED ME
A MONKEY.
OH, YEAH, DOUG, AND THAT
WAS A BRILLIANT IDEA-
TAKE OUR SACRED
WEDDING VOWS
AND TURN IT INTO
A FRIGGIN' CIRCUS!
I KNEW IT. YOU'VE
ALWAYS HATED MY MONKEY!
FROM THE BEGINNING!
YA THINK?
DOUG, CARRIE.
I HAVE A YOUNG, HAPPY COUPLE
WAITING RIGHT OUTSIDE.
OH, SORRY, FATHER.
WE'LL-WE'LL LOWER OUR VOICES. YEAH.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU GUYS
COULD, UH, JUST...
SHE'S
45 MINUTES LATE.
I DON'T THINK
SHE'S COMING.
THE GIRL'S
JUST A LITTLE LATE.
SCATTERBRAINED
IS ALL SHE IS.
I'M NOT SO SURE.
PRAY WITH ME, JOE.
SHE'LL BE HERE!
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!
POOR KID.
YOU KNOW, I SAW THE WHOLE THING COMING.
EVERYONE DID.
SHE'S BEEN SO STRESSED.
I HEARD HER
YELL AT A FLAUTIST.
YOWCH.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN?
YOU NEED ANYTHING?
HEY, STEP OFF, PAL.
I'M THE BEST MAN.
YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE.
I WAS JUST GONNA ASK IF
HE WANTED ANOTHER SODA.
YEAH, WELL, NOW I'M GONNA ASK
HIM IF HE WANTS ANOTHER SODA.
YOU WANT ANOTHER SODA?
NO.
NO. HE SAID NO. ALL RIGHT.
TAKE A STROLL, BABE.
BYE-BYE!
WELL, FOLKS, LOOKS LIKE DOUGLAS
HAS BEEN LEFT AT THE ALTAR.
LET'S FORM AN ORDERLY LINE
AND WALK AWAY FROM THE BLUFF,
AND ANY GIFTS
YOU MAY HAVE BROUGHT
ARE OBVIOUSLY
YOURS TO KEEP.
HEY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! I
HAVEN'T BEEN LEFT AT THE ALTAR!
OK? CARRIE
WILL BE HERE.
OUR RELATIONSHIP
IS FINE!
IT'S GREAT!
ALL RIGHT,
LOOK, IT'S NOT GREAT.
OK, WE'RE IN A HUGE FIGHT
RIGHT NOW,
AND I'M SURE
THAT'S WHY SHE'S LATE.
BUT THE ONLY REASON
WE'RE IN A BIG FIGHT
IS BECAUSE OF ALL OF YOU!
THAT'S RIGHT,
YOU, MOM, AND DAD
AND DANNY AND SMITTY
OR JULES,
WHICHEVER ONE YOU ARE,
AND GIRL
FROM CARRIE'S OFFICE
WHOSE NAME I JUST
DON'T REMEMBER RIGHT NOW.
AMY.
YEAH, AMY! WOW!
I WAS THINKING DARLA.
I WAS WAY OFF.
BUT THE POINT IS, THIS
IS ALL YOUR FAULT, OK?
SO DON'T JUDGE US. WE
DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS.
WE'RE JUST DOING THIS
FOR YOU.
JOE, LOOK!
OH, DAMN IT.
SORRY I'M LATE.
I HAD TO MAKE A PIT STOP
AT FLEISCHMAN TOYOTA.
YOU BROUGHT MY MONKEY.
HERE'S THE RING.
AND, UH, HERE'S
A TOAST I WROTE.
LISTEN, DOUG, I HEARD EVERYTHING
YOU WERE SAYING TO EVERYONE,
AND I WANT TO TELL YOU
THAT I'M NOT DOING THIS
FOR ANY OF THEM.
I'M DOING THIS FOR US,
'CAUSE I LOVE YOU
VERY MUCH.
NOW TAKE THE MONKEY,
'CAUSE HE SMELLS.
FRIENDS, RELATIVES,
WE ARE GATHERED
HERE TODAY
FOR THE BLESSED RENEWAL
OF THE WEDDING VOWS
OF DOUG AND CARRIE.
SON OF A BITCH.
WHO THIS BROWN BETTY IS,
BUT SHE KNOWS HER WAY
AROUND AN APPLE.
CAN I HAVE A BITE?
OH, MY GOD.
I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.
MMM! MMM, THAT'S GOOD!
HOW GREAT IS THIS PLACE?
THE GREATEST!
OFF THE HOOK,
AS THE KIDS
LIKE TO SAY.
I MEAN, THE AMBIENCE,
THE VIEW.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THE SUN
GOING DOWN OVER THAT BLUFF.
AND YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER
BEEN A BIG FAN
OF THE "SUNSET,"
BUT THAT'S PRETTY GREAT.
HOW LUCKY WERE WE JUST
TO STUMBLE ONTO THIS SPOT?
THANK GOD THERE WAS A
SHOOTING AT THAT WAFFLE PLACE.
HUH.
THAT WAS WEIRD.
WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW. I-
WHEN I KISSED YOU, MY
HEART WAS BEATING ALL FAST,
AND-I DON'T KNOW-
FELT ALL WARM INSIDE.
YOU THINK SOMETHING
WAS WRONG WITH THE SHRIMP?
NO.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
I THINK IT'S LOVE.
SHUT UP!
I'M SERIOUS!
AND I'M NOT JUST SAYING
IT TO GET SEX FROM YOU.
REALLY?
YEAH.
I MEAN, IF YOU STARTED DOING STUFF TO ME
UNDER THE TABLE, I
DON'T THINK I'D STOP YOU,
BUT... IT'S
NOT ABOUT THAT.
YOU KNOW,
I FEEL LIKE
I'M FALLING IN LOVE
WITH YOU ALL OVER AGAIN.
IN FACT, IF WE
WEREN'T MARRIED,
I'D BE PROPOSING TO YOU
RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
OH!
AND YOU'D BE LOOKING
INTO MY EYES SAYING,
"GIVE ME A COUPLE OF
DAYS TO THINK ABOUT IT."
STOP!
HEY, YOU KNOW,
I HAVE AN IDEA.
EH, FORGET IT.
IT'S STUPID.
WHAT?
I WAS JUST THINKING,
YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD
RENEW OUR VOWS, YOU KNOW?
HAVE, LIKE,
A WHOLE CEREMONY HERE.
ON THE BLUFF.
I DON'T LOVE IT.
YOU DON'T?
I SUPER LOVE IT!
REALLY? HOW GREAT
IS THIS GONNA BE?
WE'LL INVITE ALL
OUR FRIENDS, OUR FAMILY,
WE'LL GET IT CATERED, WE'LL
HAVE SOMEONE PLAYING THE FLUTE.
HEY, I CAN FINALLY
GET MY MONKEY.
WHAT'S THAT, BABY?
REMEMBER AT OUR WEDDING,
I ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE
A MONKEY WALK
DOWN THE AISLE
AND HAND ME
THE RING.
YEAH. YEAH!
NO REASON YOU CAN'T HAVE
YOUR MONKEY THIS TIME.
SWEET.
DARLING, ALLOW ME
TO HEARKEN YOU BACK
TO A BLEAK
DECEMBER DAY
IN THE MIDST
OF WORLD WAR II
WHEN A YOUNG ARTHUR
SPOONER SAVED THE LIFE
OF A FELLOW SOLDIER
NAMED RUSTY BUBBICO.
OK, IS THIS
A RANDOM HEARKENING,
OR ARE YOU GOING
SOMEWHERE WITH THIS?
OK, I'M GOING
SOMEWHERE.
OK.
WE VISITED THE RED
LIGHT DISTRICT ONE NIGHT,
AND I FRONTED HIM
A PROPHYLACTIC.
GONORRHEA WAS THE FLAVOR
OF THE MONTH BACK THEN.
SO IT'S A LOVE STORY.
HEH HEH! IT IS NOW.
HE GAVE ME A FINE
BOTTLE OF PORT WINE
AS HIS WAY
OF SAYING THANKS.
I'VE BEEN SAVING IT
ALL THESE YEARS,
AND I'VE DECIDED TO
GIVE IT TO YOU TWO
ON THE DAY
YOU RENEW YOUR VOWS.
OH! THAT'S VERY GENEROUS.
THANK YOU, DAD.
MY PLEASURE,
DARLING.
OK, MA, WELL,
IT'S 3 WEEKS FROM TODAY,
SO YOU BETTER START
WORKING ON A FLIGHT OUT.
WE WILL. JOE,
WE SHOULD USE OUR MILES.
I'M SURE THAT WEEKEND
WILL BE BLACKED OUT.
THEY ALWAYS BLACK OUT
THE WEEKENDS
WE WANT TO USE
THE MILES.
WE'LL BE THERE
WITH BELLS ON, DARLING.
LIKE THAT YOGURT PLACE.
THEY STOPPED TAKING
THOSE PUNCH CARDS
JUST BEFORE I WAS DUE
FOR MY FREE CONE.
IT'S ALL A SCAM.
YEAH, I'M SURE
THAT THE YOGURT PLACE
AND THE AIRLINES
ARE IN CAHOOTS.
FOCUS, MA. OK?
YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE
TO TALK TO HIM.
SORRY, DEAR.
LISTEN, DON'T FORGET
TO INVITE OUR FRIENDS SMITTY AND JULES.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHO THEY ARE.
YOU KNOW
SMITTY AND JULES.
OK, NOT ONLY
DON'T I KNOW THEM,
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHICH ONE'S THE MAN
AND WHICH ONE'S
THE WOMAN.
I'LL TELL THEM TO EXPECT AN INVITATION.
OK, FINE, MA. ALL RIGHT,
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I GOTTA GO. OK, BYE-BYE, SWEETHEART.
ALL RIGHT, BYE.
NOW BACK TO THE IMPORTANT
STUFF-FINDING US A MONKEY.
MONKEY, MONKEY, MONKEY.
"MIRRORS, MONEY ORDERS,
MONOGRAMS, MUFFLERS."
WHERE'S "MONKEY"?
HOW DOES MONKEY NOT HAVE,
LIKE, 2 FULL PAGES?
YEAH, DOUG, ABOUT THE
WHOLE MONKEY THING,
I WAS JUST THINKING
THAT, YOU KNOW,
MAYBE A VOW RENEWAL
MONKEY IS A WASTE.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD
SAVE IT FOR SOMETHING
A LITTLE BIT
MORE FESTIVE,
LIKE A CINCO DE MAYO
MONKEY.
YOU KNOW,
GET HIM A SOMBRERO,
A LITTLE CAP GUN
SIX-SHOOTER.
YOU KNOW-POW!
YOU KNOW?
HMM. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T
KNOW IF I FEEL COMFORTABLE
DEGRADING A MONKEY
THAT WAY.
LET'S-LET'S
JUST STICK WITH THE PLAN.
OK.
IT'S OPEN.
ARTHUR, YOU KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T
LEAVE THE DOOR UNLOCKED LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, ANY FREAK CAN JUST
WALK IN OFF THE STREET.
OH, VERY FUNNY.
UM, I'M RETURNING
CARRIE'S COPY OF THE HOURS.
LET HER KNOW I THOUGHT
IT WAS HAUNTING.
WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT THERE?
A BOTTLE OF PORT I'M
GIVING TO DOUG AND CARRIE
FOR THEIR VOW RENEWAL.
IT'S MY LITTLE WAY OF SAYING
HOW SPECIAL
THEY ARE TO ME.
A DUGAHNO NOVIDADE. THIS
THING'S WORTH A BUNDLE.
REALLY?
OH, SURE.
A MEMBER OF
MY WINE ENTHUSIASTS CLUB
BOUGHT ONE
FOR OVER $1,200.
OH, MY GOD!
YEAH.
YOU SEE, THE REASON
IT'S SO RARE
IS THAT YEAR THERE WAS AN EARLY
FROST, SO THE GRAPE HARVEST-
MESSAGE RECEIVED,
STUBBY.
WHY ARE YOU
SO BENT OUT OF SHAPE?
DON'T YOU GET IT?
I PROMISED TO GIVE THIS
TO DOUGLAS AND CARRIE.
DAMN IT. WHY DIDN'T I JUST
MAKE THEM ANOTHER BIRDHOUSE?
WEDDING VOW
RENEWAL, HUH?
WHAT YOU PLAN
ON DOING,
YOU KNOW,
BEST MAN-WISE?
IS IT GONNA BE
DEACON AGAIN?
BECAUSE AT YOUR WEDDING, YOU PICKED HIM
AND, YOU KNOW,
NOT ME,
AND NOT THAT
I REALLY CARED,
BUT IT WAS... WEIRD.
ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M
NOT GOING WITH A BEST MAN.
UH, HELLO!
SOMEONE HAS TO HAND YOU
THE WEDDING RING.
IT'S TRADITION.
YEAH. I'M HAVING
A MONKEY DO THAT.
WHAT?
YEAH, I WAS GONNA GO
WITH A SPIDER MONKEY,
AND THEN I DECIDED YOU
ONLY GET MARRIED AGAIN ONCE,
SO I'M GOING
WITH A CHIMP.
THAT'S YOUR CADILLAC
OF MONKEYS.
WAIT A MINUTE HERE.
HOLD ON.
I LOST OUT
ON BEING BEST MAN...
TO A MONKEY?
NOT BY MUCH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
OH, OK, UH, WELL,
MY WIFE AND I,
WE'RE RENEWING OUR VOWS,
AND WE NEED TO RENT SOME
CHAIRS AND TABLES AND STUFF.
HERE'S THE DATE,
THERE'S THE TIME.
NOW, DO I NEED TO LEAVE
YOU A DEPOSIT OR YOU-
FIRST THINGS FIRST.
WHAT KIND OF CHAIRS
DID YOU WANT?
UH...
THE KIND YOU, UH,
SIT ON.
WE OFFER
11 DIFFERENT STYLES.
FLAT BACK, ARCHED,
FAUX BAMBOO.
I'M OBLIGED TO ALSO
MENTION BEAN BAG CHAIRS,
BUT I FORBID YOU. SIT DOWN
AND I'LL GO GET OUR CATALOG.
OK.
"THE BEASTIE BOY"?
OH, THAT'S
MY MONKEY GUY.
HELLO. HEY! SO WE'RE
GOOD TO GO ON THE 18th?
WHAT?
OHH. CAN'T
FLEISCHMAN TOYOTA
HAVE THEIR "GOING
BANANAS" SALE WITHOUT HIM?
OK, FINE. UM,
SO I GUESS WE'LL GO
WITH THAT
SPIDER MONKEY.
OH, MY GOD.
I'M SO SORRY.
OK, THEN. THANKS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
I CAN'T GET MY MONKEY.
OH, CAN'T YOU?
WELL, MAYBE
I'M NOT AVAILABLE NOW.
ALL RIGHT.
NO, NO, I'LL DO IT,
I'LL DO IT.
YES, HI. I'M LOOKING FOR
MARIA FERRARO, THE FLUTIST.
THIS IS SHE.
THE FLAUTIST.
HEY, POTAY-TO,
POTAH-TO, RIGHT?
IT'S FLAUTIST.
RIGHT. ANYWAY, MY HUSBAND
AND I WERE THINKING
ABOUT HIRING YOU
FOR OUR VOW RENEWAL,
AND I WAS JUST WONDERING
IF I COULD HEAR YOU
PLAY
A LITTLE SOMETHING.
WELL, THE PHONE ISN'T
REALLY THE BEST MEDIUM.
EITHER FLAUT OR
GET OFF THE POT, OK?
UH, HELLO? WOULD YOU
JUST HOLD ON
FOR ONE SECOND, OK?
HELLO? MISS?
YOO-HOO!
BE RIGHT BACK.
HELLO.
HI, DARLING.
I WAS JUST THINKING
INSTEAD OF THAT
STODGY OLD PORT WINE,
HOW ABOUT IF I FLOAT YOU
A DELIGHTFUL BOTTLE
OF PEACH SCHNAPPS?
NEARLY FULL.
WELL, DAD, I KIND OF
HAD MY HEART SET
ON TRYING THE PORT.
UH-HUH. WHAT ABOUT
IF I THROW IN A CANNED HAM?
ALL RIGHT, I GOTTA GO. I'LL
TALK TO YOU LATER. HELLO?
HEY, I NEED YOU
TO DECIDE ON A TABLE.
THEY HAVE ROUND, OVAL,
SQUARE, RECTANGLE,
ONE IN THAT
STOP-SIGN SHAPE-
I'M ON THE OTHER LINE
RIGHT NOW, HONEY.
LISTEN, I AM VERY CLOSE
TO BLACKING OUT.
PLEASE PICK A SHAPE.
I AM ON THE OTHER LINE
WITH THE FLUTE LADY.
WAIT A SECOND.
NO, I GOTTA GO.
I'LL TALK TO YOU
AT HOME. OK, BYE.
THAT SOUNDED GREAT.
HELLO?
YOU STILL THERE?
WHERE ARE YOU?
I THINK THE MORE
APPROPRIATE QUESTION
IS WHERE WERE YOU?
OH, UM, I'M SORRY.
SEE, WHAT HAPPENED WAS-
UGH! THIS PARTY!
ARE ALL FLAUTISTS
BITCHES?
BECAUSE I KNOW
3 OF THEM ARE.
AND THE BAKERY WON'T
DELIVER TO THE BLUFF,
SO WE GOTTA
DRIVE 25 MILES
WITH A 4-FOOT-HIGH CAKE
STRAPPED TO OUR HOOD.
AND PORT-A-POTTIES
ARE A FORTUNE.
CAN'T WE JUST TELL
EVERYBODY ON THE INVITATION
TO COME HAVING PEED?
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
MR. BONGO'S A WHORE.
WHAT?
HE BLEW US OFF
BECAUSE HE GOT A JOB
WORKING A TOYOTA DEALERSHIP
WITH PHIL SIMMS.
OH, I'M SORRY, BABY.
WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT
THAT A BEAUTIFUL THING
LIKE A VOW RENEWAL
WOULD BE SUCH
A PAIN IN THE ASS?
I KNOW.
BUT YOU'RE STILL
INTO IT, RIGHT?
YEAH.
I MEAN, IF YOU ARE.
NO, I AM.
I'D BE WILLING NOT TO, THOUGH, IF YOU-
OK.
REALLY?
YEAH.
OH, MY GOD!
I AM SO RELIEVED! WE ARE
KILLING OURSELVES HERE.
YES!
OH, I'M SO HAPPY
WE'RE NOT DOING THIS.
WHAT WERE WE THINKING?
I KNOW! I MEAN, WE ALREADY DID OUR VOWS.
WE SAID THEM ONCE.
THEY NEVER GO BAD.
THEY'RE LIKE TWINKIES.
RIGHT!
HEY, KIDS,
DON'T MIND ME.
JUST DROPPING OFF
SOME LITERATURE.
APPARENTLY, THEY FOUND
A LINK BETWEEN PORT WINE
AND IRRITABLE
BOWEL SYNDROME.
OH, THAT'S OK, DAD.
WE DECIDED NOT
TO RENEW OUR VOWS.
OH, WELL,
THAT'S TOO BAD.
HOT DOG!
HELLO.
DOUGIE, IT'S MOM. HEY, MA.
I JUST WANTED YOU TO
KNOW SMITTY IS DIABETIC
AND IS WONDERING
IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
SPLENDA PACKETS
ON THE TABLE.
OH, WELL,
YOU CAN TELL HIM...
OR HER NOT TO WORRY
BECAUSE WE'RE CALLING
THE WHOLE THING OFF.
WHAT?
YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT JUST TURNED
INTO A HUGE PAIN,
AND WE JUST
DECIDED TO BAG IT.
OH. I SEE.
WELL, I'LL TELL SMITTY,
AND, UH,
THAT'S THAT, THEN.
OK, MA,
THEN SAY HI TO DAD,
AND I'LL TALK
TO YOU SOON.
GOOD-BYE, SWEETHEART. BYE.
JOE! THE KIDS
ARE IN TROUBLE!
HEY, CARRIE.
I NEED YOU TO 3-HOLE-PUNCH
THIS SET OF PAPERS,
AND 2-HOLE-PUNCH
THIS SET,
AND REMEMBER TO SAVE
THOSE LITTLE CIRCLES-
FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE
CONFETTI. I KNOW.
OK. YOU'RE THE BEST.
MM-HMM.
OH, BY THE WAY, I'M COMING
SOLO TO YOUR VOW RENEWAL.
I FIGURE
ROMANTIC SETTING,
WHY BRING
AN OLD COW ALONG
WHEN THERE ARE NEW CALVES
FOR THE LASSOING?
YOU DIDN'T HEAR? WE
CANCELED THE WHOLE THING.
OH. SORRY.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
OH, NO, NO. IT'S OK.
IT JUST BECAME A HASSLE.
A HASSLE. MM-HMM.
YOU KNOW, CARRIE,
WE HAVE A POLICY FOR
WHAT WE CALL CRISIS LEAVE.
YEAH, NO, I KNOW.
I REMEMBER FROM
WHEN YOU TOOK YOURS.
BUT, NO, WE'RE FINE.
DOUG AND I ARE GREAT.
WE'VE NEVER
BEEN BETTER.
RIGHT.
HEY, KIDDO. I JUST HEARD
YOU CALLED THINGS OFF.
YOU OK?
YEAH?
TALK TO ME, GUY.
EXCUSE ME?
TALK TO ME.
ABOUT WHAT?
TALK... TO... ME.
HEY!
LOOK, I HEARD YOU
WERE CANCELING YOUR VOWS.
I
- I HAD NO IDEA THINGS WERE THIS BAD WITH YOU TWO.
IT'S NOT BAD. WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT JUST BECAME A BIG
PAIN, THAT'S ALL.
HEY, WHEN I ACCEPTED
YOUR INVITATION
TO BE YOUR BEST MAN,
I DIDN'T JUST SIGN UP
FOR THE GOOD TIMES.
I CONSIDER IT
A RESPONSIBILITY,
AND I TAKE IT
VERY SERIOUSLY.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE A MONKEY.
SHH!
EASY.
IT'S ME HERE.
TAKE OFF THE MASK.
Let me see your face.
OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE
RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT, MAN.
WE SHOULD TALK,
BUT, UH,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
THESE WALLS HAVE EARS,
SO LET'S GO OUTSIDE
AND DO IT OUT THERE.
OH, GOOD CALL, BUDDY.
YEAH, TOTALLY.
AHEM. OK.
SO HAS ANYBODY
BOUGHT MY PORT?
WE DON'T KNOW
YET, OK?
THIS IS
AN ON-LINE AUCTION.
IT COULD GO ON
FOR DAYS.
WELL, I CAN'T
SIT HERE FOR DAYS.
I MEAN, THE NEXT 2
ARE FINE, BUT ON THURSDAY,
I'M SAMPLING FOOD
AT COSTCO WITH MICKEY.
THE CURRENT BID
IS...
$1,350!
MAMALOSHEN!
OHH. HEY, GUYS. WHAT ARE
YOU DOING ON MY COMPUTER?
OH, JUST, UH...
LOOKING AT PORNOGRAPHY,
SWEETHEART.
WELL, GOOD LUCK
WITH THAT.
THANK YOU.
SUPERMARKET
KNOCKOFF ADVIL NOW!
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOU?
OH, WORK WAS CRAZY.
I MEAN, EVER SINCE WE
CANCELED RENEWING OUR VOWS,
EVERYONE THINKS OUR
MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE.
THEY WERE ALL LIKE,
"ARE YOU OK?
WE'RE HERE FOR YOU,
SWEETIE."
IT'S SO
FREAKIN' ANNOYING.
I GOT THE SAME THING
FROM DANNY,
AND THE CHAIR GUY
INVITED ME OUT FOR SUSHI.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET THE MACHINE GET IT.
IT'S PROBABLY JUST DANNY
REMINDING ME HUGS ARE FREE.
DOUGIE,
IT'S YOUR MOTHER.
I'M GONNA TRY AND
SAY THIS WITHOUT CRYING.
EVERY MARRIAGE
HAS ITS POTHOLES...
OH, GOD.
IT'S SPREAD TO FLORIDA.
AND MARRIAGE CAN BE A LONG
AND WONDERFUL WINDING ROAD.
ALL RIGHT,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHOULD WE JUST
GO THROUGH WITH THIS
TO STOP
THIS MADNESS?
WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?
WE'RE NOT GONNA DO IT
JUST TO PROVE
SOMETHING TO PEOPLE.
DOUG, I CAN'T LIVE
LIKE THIS ANYMORE!
AND WHEN TROUBLE
COMES INTO THAT HOME-
OH, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!
WILL YOU LEAVE THEM ALONE?
GO BACK
TO YOUR PROGRAM, JOE!
THIS IS A PRIVATE
CONVERSATION.
WHEN YOU HAVE TROUBLE,
ALL YOU NEED TO GET THROUGH
IT IS FAITH IN EACH OTHER
AND IN GOD.
OH, GREAT. NOW SHE'S GOT
GOD IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS.
THAT'S
A LOT OF FIREPOWER.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
WE'LL DO IT!
MA, MA, YEAH.
DON'T WORRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE
GONNA RENEW THE VOWS.
WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU'RE HAPPY.
OK. BYE.
THAT'S A KICK
IN THE OBLONGS.
AND IT'S BECAUSE OF
THE LOVE THAT YOU TWO SHARE
THAT YOU'VE CHOSEN
TO COME TOGETHER
AT THIS BLESSED RENEWAL
OF YOUR WEDDING VOWS.
AM I CORRECT?
HMM?
OH. YEAH, YEAH. BEAUTIFUL
THING, BEAUTIFUL.
WELL, NOW, ARE YOU PLANNING
ON WRITING YOUR OWN VOWS?
GOTTA BE HONEST
WITH YOU, FATHER.
WHATEVER YOU
GOT HANDY IS FINE.
YEAH, WE'LL JUST
TAKE THE STANDARD VOWS,
AND WE'LL FILL IN ALL THE
PERSONAL STUFF, LIKE MAD LIBS.
UH, DOUG, UH, CARRIE,
YOU DO REALIZE
THIS IS A VOW RENEWAL.
YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO THIS.
OH, NO, NO, NO,
WE HAVE TO DO THIS.
YEAH, BECAUSE EVERYONE
WE KNOW IS ALL OVER US
BECAUSE
OF HER GREAT IDEA.
WHOA, WHOA!
YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO
BLAME ME FOR THIS, ARE YOU?
ALL I'M SAYING IS IF
YOU HADN'T THOUGHT OF IT,
MY MOM WOULDN'T BE CRYING
INTO OUR ANSWERING MACHINE.
OH, PLEASE,
WOULD YOU?
I'M GONNA GO GET
THE AFFIRMATION
OF LOVE PAMPHLET.
FIRST OF ALL, THE ONLY
REASON WHY I THOUGHT OF IT
IN THE FIRST PLACE IS BECAUSE
YOU WERE GOING ON AND ON
ABOUT HOW MUCH "IN LOVE" YOU
WERE WITH ME AT THE RESTAURANT.
AND THE ONLY REASON I
WAS SAYING I WAS "IN LOVE"
WITH YOU IS BECAUSE
YOU GOT ME DRUNK
AND PROMISED ME
A MONKEY.
OH, YEAH, DOUG, AND THAT
WAS A BRILLIANT IDEA-
TAKE OUR SACRED
WEDDING VOWS
AND TURN IT INTO
A FRIGGIN' CIRCUS!
I KNEW IT. YOU'VE
ALWAYS HATED MY MONKEY!
FROM THE BEGINNING!
YA THINK?
DOUG, CARRIE.
I HAVE A YOUNG, HAPPY COUPLE
WAITING RIGHT OUTSIDE.
OH, SORRY, FATHER.
WE'LL-WE'LL LOWER OUR VOICES. YEAH.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU GUYS
COULD, UH, JUST...
SHE'S
45 MINUTES LATE.
I DON'T THINK
SHE'S COMING.
THE GIRL'S
JUST A LITTLE LATE.
SCATTERBRAINED
IS ALL SHE IS.
I'M NOT SO SURE.
PRAY WITH ME, JOE.
SHE'LL BE HERE!
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!
POOR KID.
YOU KNOW, I SAW THE WHOLE THING COMING.
EVERYONE DID.
SHE'S BEEN SO STRESSED.
I HEARD HER
YELL AT A FLAUTIST.
YOWCH.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN?
YOU NEED ANYTHING?
HEY, STEP OFF, PAL.
I'M THE BEST MAN.
YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE.
I WAS JUST GONNA ASK IF
HE WANTED ANOTHER SODA.
YEAH, WELL, NOW I'M GONNA ASK
HIM IF HE WANTS ANOTHER SODA.
YOU WANT ANOTHER SODA?
NO.
NO. HE SAID NO. ALL RIGHT.
TAKE A STROLL, BABE.
BYE-BYE!
WELL, FOLKS, LOOKS LIKE DOUGLAS
HAS BEEN LEFT AT THE ALTAR.
LET'S FORM AN ORDERLY LINE
AND WALK AWAY FROM THE BLUFF,
AND ANY GIFTS
YOU MAY HAVE BROUGHT
ARE OBVIOUSLY
YOURS TO KEEP.
HEY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! I
HAVEN'T BEEN LEFT AT THE ALTAR!
OK? CARRIE
WILL BE HERE.
OUR RELATIONSHIP
IS FINE!
IT'S GREAT!
ALL RIGHT,
LOOK, IT'S NOT GREAT.
OK, WE'RE IN A HUGE FIGHT
RIGHT NOW,
AND I'M SURE
THAT'S WHY SHE'S LATE.
BUT THE ONLY REASON
WE'RE IN A BIG FIGHT
IS BECAUSE OF ALL OF YOU!
THAT'S RIGHT,
YOU, MOM, AND DAD
AND DANNY AND SMITTY
OR JULES,
WHICHEVER ONE YOU ARE,
AND GIRL
FROM CARRIE'S OFFICE
WHOSE NAME I JUST
DON'T REMEMBER RIGHT NOW.
AMY.
YEAH, AMY! WOW!
I WAS THINKING DARLA.
I WAS WAY OFF.
BUT THE POINT IS, THIS
IS ALL YOUR FAULT, OK?
SO DON'T JUDGE US. WE
DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS.
WE'RE JUST DOING THIS
FOR YOU.
JOE, LOOK!
OH, DAMN IT.
SORRY I'M LATE.
I HAD TO MAKE A PIT STOP
AT FLEISCHMAN TOYOTA.
YOU BROUGHT MY MONKEY.
HERE'S THE RING.
AND, UH, HERE'S
A TOAST I WROTE.
LISTEN, DOUG, I HEARD EVERYTHING
YOU WERE SAYING TO EVERYONE,
AND I WANT TO TELL YOU
THAT I'M NOT DOING THIS
FOR ANY OF THEM.
I'M DOING THIS FOR US,
'CAUSE I LOVE YOU
VERY MUCH.
NOW TAKE THE MONKEY,
'CAUSE HE SMELLS.
FRIENDS, RELATIVES,
WE ARE GATHERED
HERE TODAY
FOR THE BLESSED RENEWAL
OF THE WEDDING VOWS
OF DOUG AND CARRIE.
SON OF A BITCH.