The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 9 - Connect Four - full transcript
When Carrie wins four tickets for a month to Knicks games, Doug and her struggle to find another couple with whom they'd both be happy. They eventually devise a scheme to break up two couples in order to create the perfect couple. Meanwhile Arthur visits an old friend at the DMV to take care of a ticket for Deacon. His friend is no longer working there but Arthur cannot bring himself to tell Deacon and the rest of the crew as they continue to hand him parking tickets to take care of.
Marv Albert on TV:
Good pressure defense,
back out to the top
of the key, yes!
How great is Marv
Albert's "Yes!"?
Classic.
You think he had that
since he was a kid?
You know, like, "Marvin, did
you make in the potty?"
"Yes! And it counts!"
So, where's Carrie tonight?
Firm's having this big party
because they won some case.
Ooh, so she's working
late with the boss man?
♪ Bom boka chicka ba-kow
♪ Caboka yeow ow
What is that?
It's porno music.
Oh. I thought it was the
Starsky and Hutch theme.
It's clearly porno music.
That's right. ♪ Bom...
Aah! Getting nauseous!
Oh, I gotta run.
I gotta pick up the
kids at Kelly's.
Can't they wait 10 minutes?
We got a tie game here.
Nah. It takes me forever to
find a place to park there.
I got a damn ticket
when I dropped them
off this morning.
Hey, Arthur. Have a good one.
You may not want to rush
out of here just yet.
I have an enticing
proposition for you
vis-à-vis your parking ticket.
What?
I have a pal named Smitty.
We were kosher slaughterers
back in the fifties,
the heyday of kosher meats.
Uh-huh.
One day, Smitty got
cute with an ax.
Thanks to me, he still
has his thumbs.
No pinkies, though.
Right. My kids are
waiting for me, so...
Smitty works down at the
Parking Bureau now.
He'll fix any ticket for me.
I appreciate the
gesture, but no, thanks.
Clean out your ears, fella!
I can make this whole
thing go away!
All right. Knock yourself out.
I wasn't gonna pay
the thing anyway.
Hello!
Oh, somebody's in a good mood.
That's because somebody
won a big, fat prize
at the party raffle.
For the next month,
we get 4 company
seats to the Knicks.
Yeah! No way! Aah!
Stop! Ohhhh!
Wa-hoo!
Look, this is awkward.
I'm sorry, you guys,
but Doug and I are going to
be taking another couple.
What? Who?
I don't know yet, but not them.
Come on! We're delightful!
Doug, I need a girl there, OK?
While you and the other guy
are talking about the game,
we could be talking about
which gorgeous black man
fills out his shorts better.
Come on, Car!
I don't want to go
to the Knick game
with a couple I've
never met before.
I hate people I don't know.
Doug, these are my
tickets and I decide.
Now, keep bitchin', I
may not even take you.
You know, winning this
raffle's really changed you.
Oh, I know. I'll take Elly from
spinning class and her husband.
I don't know them, OK?
Elly's great, and she told me
her husband's a sports nut.
You'll love 'em.
Ha! You might be right,
but in his defense,
those are very baggy shorts.
Well, Number 28's
shorts are baggy,
and it ain't hurtin' him.
Back in my day, they used
a 2-handed set shot.
Now, that was basketball.
Did you ever see Stretch Maloney
play for the old St.
Louis Bombers?
I don't believe I did, no.
How you doing, hon?
We gonna grab some
food after this?
Uh, you know, we don't have to.
I'm sure you got an early
day at work tomorrow, so...
No, I'm retired.
Of course, you are.
OK, bye, you guys!
We had a great time!
See ya! Bye!
I didn't know, OK?
In all the times
you were spinning,
she never once said,
"Hey, great workout.
By the way, my husband,
a billion years old."
I don't think it's a big deal.
I really don't.
Of course you don't.
Because you're not the one
who had to remind him where he was
after he woke up from his nap!
Doug, you are just rejecting
him because he's old.
That's called ageism,
and it's illegal.
I oughta punch you
square in the mouth.
I understand if you want
to do the couple thing,
but we got to find a couple
that works for both of us, OK?
And right now, Grandpa Munster
ain't getting it done!
OK, I'm open to suggestions,
and don't say Danny and Spence.
Danny and Deacon. No.
OK, then, hey, how about
Eddie, you know, from work?
He's got a girlfriend.
OK. I like Eddie.
What do we know about
the girlfriend?
I know she has all her
own heart valves.
Hello. I'd like to
see Smitty, please.
Smitty?
Medium build, brown hair?
No pinkies?
Oh, Nubsy.
He hasn't been here
in, like, 5 years.
Mmm, that's too bad.
He used to handle
my tickets for me.
Oh, well. I suppose the baton
shall pass to a new generation.
Now, make like Houdini and get
this ticket to disappear.
I'm sorry. I can't.
Look, I told my friend I
would make this go away.
Don't make me slink back to him
with my tail between my legs.
Sir, there's really
nothing I can do.
Perhaps a visit
from Mr. Abraham Lincoln
would change your mind?
I don't think so.
What if Mr. Jackson came
along for the ride?
Sir, for 2 more dollars, you
could just pay the ticket.
How about if only one of the
Washington twins showed up?
I'm gonna need them both.
Righto.
Come on! Play some defense!
My cleaning lady could
have blocked that shot!
Nice steal, man. Hey,
I think he heard you!
See, you treat 'em like dirt
and they do what you want.
You know, you're gonna
make a great dad someday.
I mean, the doctor told
me it was totally normal,
but I don't know. Are
your breasts lopsided?
No.
Oh, Carrie, if you're
free tomorrow afternoon,
you want to maybe
grab some coffee?
Oh, I have a spinning class.
Sorry. Yeah.
Good for you. I
should exercise more.
Do some stretching.
Maybe then sex wouldn't be so
incredibly uncomfortable for me.
I'm tiny down there.
Let me freshen you up there.
Oh, my, very generous.
I hope you're not gonna try to
take advantage of me later.
Again, Arthur, no.
Hey, Deac.
Arthur! What brings you to
our little watering hole?
Fellas, say hello to the fixer.
He's drinking on me tonight.
What are you talking about?
He fixed my parking
ticket, like magic.
He's like... He's like
the Lucky Charms guy.
Tell him the story.
I merely gave it to my
pal Smitty downtown.
He ripped it up and threw it in
the air like so much confetti.
He's theatrical that way.
Wow!
Hey, you know, me and
Spence get tickets
in front of our
building all the time.
Don't worry about it, man.
From now on, just give
them to the fixer here.
Really?
Could we?
Ah...
Are you kidding? This
guy's got the hookup.
He just feeds them to
Smitty, and they go away.
Right, Arthur?
Park with impunity!
♪ I got a feelin'
♪ Everything is gonna
be all right ♪
♪ Whoa, I got a feelin'
♪ Everything is gonna
be all right ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, I got a feelin' ♪
♪ Everything is gonna
be all right ♪
♪ Be all right, be all right ♪
♪ Be all right
Video Game Announcer: On the attack,
bringing the ball up court.
Houston brings it down...
Yes!
Ha ha ha!
You know, we should
actually go to the park
and play hoops sometime.
I'm gonna level with you.
I'm winded from this.
Ah, you know what? I gotta run.
Just gotta make a
pit stop first.
Announcer: They have 90...
Hey. Hey.
Hey, Doug. Hey, Elly.
All right, I gotta get going.
Car, can I just fill
up my water bottle?
Carrie: Yeah. Right in there.
Hmm.
Elly's filling up
her water bottle,
and Eddie's peeing upstairs.
It's the circle of life.
Hey, I got Knick
tickets for Friday.
What do you say we give Elly
and Stuart another shot, huh?
Oldie? Not a chance.
Hey, let's... let's
ask Eddie and Simone.
What? Do you think that
couple worked for me?
I'm not spending another 3 hours with...
with Lopsidey.
OK, that is a really
dumb nickname.
OK, would you prefer Tiny Giny?
I think I would.
Well, I'm asking Elly.
I'm... Well, I'm asking Eddie.
Don't you dare.
D-Don't you dare me.
Hey! Hey! You and Stuart wanna
go to the Knicks on Friday?
Oh, I would love
to, but we can't.
Stuart's away at his 50th
high school reunion.
Aww.
Hey, Eddie, Eddie. You and
Simone busy Friday night?
You wanna go to the Knick game?
Oh, sorry, man. She's gonna be
out of town for a work thing.
Aww.
Hey. I'm Eddie.
Hey. I'm Elly. Nice to meet you.
There's no way I can
pay all these tickets.
The boys are gonna
find out I'm a fraud.
It's over. Over!
Smitty's still gonna take
care of my ticket, right?
There is no Smitty,
you crazy old man!
I curse the day I ever met
that 8-fingered freak.
Wh-What if I called
Smitty myself?
Shut up!
Great night.
Fantastic.
We finally find the
perfect couple,
and they're not even a couple.
I know. I mean, it
was incredible.
Me and him, you and
her, me and her!
You and him!
It was working from every angle!
I mean, why can't Eddie and
Elly just be a couple?
We could do
everything with them.
Movies, barbecues.
Vermont. We've always
wanted to go to Vermont.
They would be
phenomenal in Vermont.
I can't believe they're
attached to other people.
It sucks.
Cupid really botched this one.
Swing and a miss for
the naked baby.
How sweet would it be
if Oldie and Tiny were
out of the picture?
Then we could just put
Eddie and Elly together.
Hey, maybe we can sit
down with all of them
and very politely ask
them to switch partners.
Or we can cut Oldie
and Tiny's brakes,
like they do in the movies.
That's good, but I don't
fit under cars anymore.
All right, let's just stop this.
We're just torturing ourselves.
You're right, you're right.
Eddie and Elly are not together,
and they never will be.
We just need to forget
tonight ever happened.
I can't.
Thank you, Mr. Spooner.
No, thank you.
Now, please make the check out
to the Parking
Violations Bureau.
Oh, we don't pay people
for their blood anymore.
What?
Only the less reputable
places still pay cash.
Uh-huh.
I'd like my blood back, please.
What? You heard me.
Pump it back in.
I'm taking my
business elsewhere.
I can't pump your blood back in.
You were gonna pump it
into someone else, right?
Yes.
Well, meet someone else.
Sorry.
I had a great time
the other night
with you guys and Eddie.
Oh, we did, too. Great time.
Actually, it was
just what I needed.
Huh?
Well, can I tell you something?
Sure.
Things aren't going that
well between me and Stuart.
Well... Well, what do you mean?
Oh, don't get me wrong.
He's great.
Really. It's just
a lot of stuff.
I mean, the age
difference and, uh...
You know what?
I'm overreacting.
Forget it. Everything's fine.
No, no... Hey, slow
down there, girly-girl.
Let's talk.
What... What's with you?
I did it, Doug.
Did what?
I don't know how it started,
but... but... but
she said something
about things not going
well with her and Stuart,
you know, like, he's
old and everything.
And before I knew
it, I said, yeah,
and what if you guys
do wanna have kids...
I just thought of that one
right there on the spot...
And she said, yeah,
that it has been an issue,
and then I said, well,
hey, maybe you guys should
think about takin' a break,
and now... and she said, yeah,
and now they're separating.
Ha ha...
What? I'm hungry, Doug!
Come on, let's go get
some steaks, baby.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You broke up a marriage?
It was headed there anyway.
Now all you gotta do is
break up Eddie and Tiny.
What?
What "what"? This is exactly
what we talked about!
We also talked about
cutting their brakes.
You wanna do that, too?
We don't have to do
that now, ya doof.
Hello? Ha ha ha!
Oh, my God, you are terrifying.
Kids are gonna start wearing
you as a Halloween mask!
Doug! Doug, we're halfway there.
I broke up a marriage.
All you gotta do
is break up a boyfriend
and a girlfriend.
I could do that
before breakfast.
No, no! I'm... I'm not doin' it!
Doug, Vermont!
Think of Vermont.
Skiing...
just the 4 of us
relaxing in the hot tub?
I betcha they look
pretty when they're wet.
No, that is it!
End of story, OK?
Stop staring, devil woman!
I... I'm sorry I didn't
check in, Simone.
Yeah, I just... I can't
call you every 10 minutes!
Yeah.
I'm havin' a beer with Doug.
Oh, it's one beer, OK?
I'll see you at home.
Man, Simone is all
over me lately.
You know what I'm all over?
Purple M&Ms.
I fought 'em for a while, but...
they won.
I mean, she's pretty, but...
she's really needy!
You know, she's always asking if
I think her boobs look normal.
"They look fine. Now, can
you put them back in?"
I just don't know. What
should I do here, Doug?
It's done.
Hey, it's the fixer!
All, applauding: Hey, Fixie!
Hey!
Gentlemen, can I have a
moment of your time?
Sure. Make some space
for the fixer, boys.
There we go. Right there.
Fellas,
these, uh, past few weeks
we've spent together,
they've meant the world to me,
but the truth is...
The truth is...
it's an honor to
fix your tickets!
Fixie!
Fixie!
Oh, Fixie, Fixie!
Great game, huh, honey?
What's your problem?
They're my problem.
What? Well, look at them.
They're perfect!
We made a beautiful match.
No, we took 4 innocent
people into the lab
and built ourselves
a Franken-couple.
Just stop it!
Hey, uh, are you
guys OK over there?
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's all good over here.
No problems.
Yeah, it's all good.
We're fine. We... We
got what we want,
and, clearly, that's all
that really matters.
Oh, just Diet Coke for me, baby.
Thanks.
Mm-wah.
What is up with Doug?
I don't know.
He's been actin' like
a real tool lately.
I don't get it. What
does Carrie see in him?
I don't know.
Jeff!
Oh, my God! Eddie! How ya doin'?
Great! Wow, it's been
a few years, huh?
How'd you score these seats?
Oh, uh, we got them
from our friend Carrie.
Ooh, she's cute.
What's her situation?
Well...
she's with someone,
but they seem to
fight a lot lately.
Uh, Carrie?
Meet Jeff.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, I'm sorry. I... I
didn't mean to stare,
but you just look so
lovely in that sweater.
Really?
'Cause it... it's
hard for me to shop.
I'm a little uneven on top.
Well, you look perfect to me.
Good pressure defense,
back out to the top
of the key, yes!
How great is Marv
Albert's "Yes!"?
Classic.
You think he had that
since he was a kid?
You know, like, "Marvin, did
you make in the potty?"
"Yes! And it counts!"
So, where's Carrie tonight?
Firm's having this big party
because they won some case.
Ooh, so she's working
late with the boss man?
♪ Bom boka chicka ba-kow
♪ Caboka yeow ow
What is that?
It's porno music.
Oh. I thought it was the
Starsky and Hutch theme.
It's clearly porno music.
That's right. ♪ Bom...
Aah! Getting nauseous!
Oh, I gotta run.
I gotta pick up the
kids at Kelly's.
Can't they wait 10 minutes?
We got a tie game here.
Nah. It takes me forever to
find a place to park there.
I got a damn ticket
when I dropped them
off this morning.
Hey, Arthur. Have a good one.
You may not want to rush
out of here just yet.
I have an enticing
proposition for you
vis-à-vis your parking ticket.
What?
I have a pal named Smitty.
We were kosher slaughterers
back in the fifties,
the heyday of kosher meats.
Uh-huh.
One day, Smitty got
cute with an ax.
Thanks to me, he still
has his thumbs.
No pinkies, though.
Right. My kids are
waiting for me, so...
Smitty works down at the
Parking Bureau now.
He'll fix any ticket for me.
I appreciate the
gesture, but no, thanks.
Clean out your ears, fella!
I can make this whole
thing go away!
All right. Knock yourself out.
I wasn't gonna pay
the thing anyway.
Hello!
Oh, somebody's in a good mood.
That's because somebody
won a big, fat prize
at the party raffle.
For the next month,
we get 4 company
seats to the Knicks.
Yeah! No way! Aah!
Stop! Ohhhh!
Wa-hoo!
Look, this is awkward.
I'm sorry, you guys,
but Doug and I are going to
be taking another couple.
What? Who?
I don't know yet, but not them.
Come on! We're delightful!
Doug, I need a girl there, OK?
While you and the other guy
are talking about the game,
we could be talking about
which gorgeous black man
fills out his shorts better.
Come on, Car!
I don't want to go
to the Knick game
with a couple I've
never met before.
I hate people I don't know.
Doug, these are my
tickets and I decide.
Now, keep bitchin', I
may not even take you.
You know, winning this
raffle's really changed you.
Oh, I know. I'll take Elly from
spinning class and her husband.
I don't know them, OK?
Elly's great, and she told me
her husband's a sports nut.
You'll love 'em.
Ha! You might be right,
but in his defense,
those are very baggy shorts.
Well, Number 28's
shorts are baggy,
and it ain't hurtin' him.
Back in my day, they used
a 2-handed set shot.
Now, that was basketball.
Did you ever see Stretch Maloney
play for the old St.
Louis Bombers?
I don't believe I did, no.
How you doing, hon?
We gonna grab some
food after this?
Uh, you know, we don't have to.
I'm sure you got an early
day at work tomorrow, so...
No, I'm retired.
Of course, you are.
OK, bye, you guys!
We had a great time!
See ya! Bye!
I didn't know, OK?
In all the times
you were spinning,
she never once said,
"Hey, great workout.
By the way, my husband,
a billion years old."
I don't think it's a big deal.
I really don't.
Of course you don't.
Because you're not the one
who had to remind him where he was
after he woke up from his nap!
Doug, you are just rejecting
him because he's old.
That's called ageism,
and it's illegal.
I oughta punch you
square in the mouth.
I understand if you want
to do the couple thing,
but we got to find a couple
that works for both of us, OK?
And right now, Grandpa Munster
ain't getting it done!
OK, I'm open to suggestions,
and don't say Danny and Spence.
Danny and Deacon. No.
OK, then, hey, how about
Eddie, you know, from work?
He's got a girlfriend.
OK. I like Eddie.
What do we know about
the girlfriend?
I know she has all her
own heart valves.
Hello. I'd like to
see Smitty, please.
Smitty?
Medium build, brown hair?
No pinkies?
Oh, Nubsy.
He hasn't been here
in, like, 5 years.
Mmm, that's too bad.
He used to handle
my tickets for me.
Oh, well. I suppose the baton
shall pass to a new generation.
Now, make like Houdini and get
this ticket to disappear.
I'm sorry. I can't.
Look, I told my friend I
would make this go away.
Don't make me slink back to him
with my tail between my legs.
Sir, there's really
nothing I can do.
Perhaps a visit
from Mr. Abraham Lincoln
would change your mind?
I don't think so.
What if Mr. Jackson came
along for the ride?
Sir, for 2 more dollars, you
could just pay the ticket.
How about if only one of the
Washington twins showed up?
I'm gonna need them both.
Righto.
Come on! Play some defense!
My cleaning lady could
have blocked that shot!
Nice steal, man. Hey,
I think he heard you!
See, you treat 'em like dirt
and they do what you want.
You know, you're gonna
make a great dad someday.
I mean, the doctor told
me it was totally normal,
but I don't know. Are
your breasts lopsided?
No.
Oh, Carrie, if you're
free tomorrow afternoon,
you want to maybe
grab some coffee?
Oh, I have a spinning class.
Sorry. Yeah.
Good for you. I
should exercise more.
Do some stretching.
Maybe then sex wouldn't be so
incredibly uncomfortable for me.
I'm tiny down there.
Let me freshen you up there.
Oh, my, very generous.
I hope you're not gonna try to
take advantage of me later.
Again, Arthur, no.
Hey, Deac.
Arthur! What brings you to
our little watering hole?
Fellas, say hello to the fixer.
He's drinking on me tonight.
What are you talking about?
He fixed my parking
ticket, like magic.
He's like... He's like
the Lucky Charms guy.
Tell him the story.
I merely gave it to my
pal Smitty downtown.
He ripped it up and threw it in
the air like so much confetti.
He's theatrical that way.
Wow!
Hey, you know, me and
Spence get tickets
in front of our
building all the time.
Don't worry about it, man.
From now on, just give
them to the fixer here.
Really?
Could we?
Ah...
Are you kidding? This
guy's got the hookup.
He just feeds them to
Smitty, and they go away.
Right, Arthur?
Park with impunity!
♪ I got a feelin'
♪ Everything is gonna
be all right ♪
♪ Whoa, I got a feelin'
♪ Everything is gonna
be all right ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, I got a feelin' ♪
♪ Everything is gonna
be all right ♪
♪ Be all right, be all right ♪
♪ Be all right
Video Game Announcer: On the attack,
bringing the ball up court.
Houston brings it down...
Yes!
Ha ha ha!
You know, we should
actually go to the park
and play hoops sometime.
I'm gonna level with you.
I'm winded from this.
Ah, you know what? I gotta run.
Just gotta make a
pit stop first.
Announcer: They have 90...
Hey. Hey.
Hey, Doug. Hey, Elly.
All right, I gotta get going.
Car, can I just fill
up my water bottle?
Carrie: Yeah. Right in there.
Hmm.
Elly's filling up
her water bottle,
and Eddie's peeing upstairs.
It's the circle of life.
Hey, I got Knick
tickets for Friday.
What do you say we give Elly
and Stuart another shot, huh?
Oldie? Not a chance.
Hey, let's... let's
ask Eddie and Simone.
What? Do you think that
couple worked for me?
I'm not spending another 3 hours with...
with Lopsidey.
OK, that is a really
dumb nickname.
OK, would you prefer Tiny Giny?
I think I would.
Well, I'm asking Elly.
I'm... Well, I'm asking Eddie.
Don't you dare.
D-Don't you dare me.
Hey! Hey! You and Stuart wanna
go to the Knicks on Friday?
Oh, I would love
to, but we can't.
Stuart's away at his 50th
high school reunion.
Aww.
Hey, Eddie, Eddie. You and
Simone busy Friday night?
You wanna go to the Knick game?
Oh, sorry, man. She's gonna be
out of town for a work thing.
Aww.
Hey. I'm Eddie.
Hey. I'm Elly. Nice to meet you.
There's no way I can
pay all these tickets.
The boys are gonna
find out I'm a fraud.
It's over. Over!
Smitty's still gonna take
care of my ticket, right?
There is no Smitty,
you crazy old man!
I curse the day I ever met
that 8-fingered freak.
Wh-What if I called
Smitty myself?
Shut up!
Great night.
Fantastic.
We finally find the
perfect couple,
and they're not even a couple.
I know. I mean, it
was incredible.
Me and him, you and
her, me and her!
You and him!
It was working from every angle!
I mean, why can't Eddie and
Elly just be a couple?
We could do
everything with them.
Movies, barbecues.
Vermont. We've always
wanted to go to Vermont.
They would be
phenomenal in Vermont.
I can't believe they're
attached to other people.
It sucks.
Cupid really botched this one.
Swing and a miss for
the naked baby.
How sweet would it be
if Oldie and Tiny were
out of the picture?
Then we could just put
Eddie and Elly together.
Hey, maybe we can sit
down with all of them
and very politely ask
them to switch partners.
Or we can cut Oldie
and Tiny's brakes,
like they do in the movies.
That's good, but I don't
fit under cars anymore.
All right, let's just stop this.
We're just torturing ourselves.
You're right, you're right.
Eddie and Elly are not together,
and they never will be.
We just need to forget
tonight ever happened.
I can't.
Thank you, Mr. Spooner.
No, thank you.
Now, please make the check out
to the Parking
Violations Bureau.
Oh, we don't pay people
for their blood anymore.
What?
Only the less reputable
places still pay cash.
Uh-huh.
I'd like my blood back, please.
What? You heard me.
Pump it back in.
I'm taking my
business elsewhere.
I can't pump your blood back in.
You were gonna pump it
into someone else, right?
Yes.
Well, meet someone else.
Sorry.
I had a great time
the other night
with you guys and Eddie.
Oh, we did, too. Great time.
Actually, it was
just what I needed.
Huh?
Well, can I tell you something?
Sure.
Things aren't going that
well between me and Stuart.
Well... Well, what do you mean?
Oh, don't get me wrong.
He's great.
Really. It's just
a lot of stuff.
I mean, the age
difference and, uh...
You know what?
I'm overreacting.
Forget it. Everything's fine.
No, no... Hey, slow
down there, girly-girl.
Let's talk.
What... What's with you?
I did it, Doug.
Did what?
I don't know how it started,
but... but... but
she said something
about things not going
well with her and Stuart,
you know, like, he's
old and everything.
And before I knew
it, I said, yeah,
and what if you guys
do wanna have kids...
I just thought of that one
right there on the spot...
And she said, yeah,
that it has been an issue,
and then I said, well,
hey, maybe you guys should
think about takin' a break,
and now... and she said, yeah,
and now they're separating.
Ha ha...
What? I'm hungry, Doug!
Come on, let's go get
some steaks, baby.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You broke up a marriage?
It was headed there anyway.
Now all you gotta do is
break up Eddie and Tiny.
What?
What "what"? This is exactly
what we talked about!
We also talked about
cutting their brakes.
You wanna do that, too?
We don't have to do
that now, ya doof.
Hello? Ha ha ha!
Oh, my God, you are terrifying.
Kids are gonna start wearing
you as a Halloween mask!
Doug! Doug, we're halfway there.
I broke up a marriage.
All you gotta do
is break up a boyfriend
and a girlfriend.
I could do that
before breakfast.
No, no! I'm... I'm not doin' it!
Doug, Vermont!
Think of Vermont.
Skiing...
just the 4 of us
relaxing in the hot tub?
I betcha they look
pretty when they're wet.
No, that is it!
End of story, OK?
Stop staring, devil woman!
I... I'm sorry I didn't
check in, Simone.
Yeah, I just... I can't
call you every 10 minutes!
Yeah.
I'm havin' a beer with Doug.
Oh, it's one beer, OK?
I'll see you at home.
Man, Simone is all
over me lately.
You know what I'm all over?
Purple M&Ms.
I fought 'em for a while, but...
they won.
I mean, she's pretty, but...
she's really needy!
You know, she's always asking if
I think her boobs look normal.
"They look fine. Now, can
you put them back in?"
I just don't know. What
should I do here, Doug?
It's done.
Hey, it's the fixer!
All, applauding: Hey, Fixie!
Hey!
Gentlemen, can I have a
moment of your time?
Sure. Make some space
for the fixer, boys.
There we go. Right there.
Fellas,
these, uh, past few weeks
we've spent together,
they've meant the world to me,
but the truth is...
The truth is...
it's an honor to
fix your tickets!
Fixie!
Fixie!
Oh, Fixie, Fixie!
Great game, huh, honey?
What's your problem?
They're my problem.
What? Well, look at them.
They're perfect!
We made a beautiful match.
No, we took 4 innocent
people into the lab
and built ourselves
a Franken-couple.
Just stop it!
Hey, uh, are you
guys OK over there?
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's all good over here.
No problems.
Yeah, it's all good.
We're fine. We... We
got what we want,
and, clearly, that's all
that really matters.
Oh, just Diet Coke for me, baby.
Thanks.
Mm-wah.
What is up with Doug?
I don't know.
He's been actin' like
a real tool lately.
I don't get it. What
does Carrie see in him?
I don't know.
Jeff!
Oh, my God! Eddie! How ya doin'?
Great! Wow, it's been
a few years, huh?
How'd you score these seats?
Oh, uh, we got them
from our friend Carrie.
Ooh, she's cute.
What's her situation?
Well...
she's with someone,
but they seem to
fight a lot lately.
Uh, Carrie?
Meet Jeff.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, I'm sorry. I... I
didn't mean to stare,
but you just look so
lovely in that sweater.
Really?
'Cause it... it's
hard for me to shop.
I'm a little uneven on top.
Well, you look perfect to me.