The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 10 - Loaner Car - full transcript

So, guys, tell Uncle Doug
what you did in school today.

What'd you... did you
write in cursive?

Did you climb the ropes? Eat some paste?
What went down?

I wrote a book about
Thanksgiving.

You did? Can I see?

Oh, wow. Hey, nice
use of macaroni.

Oh, and pictures, too.

What's this?

That's the Pilgrims
killing a turkey.

Huh. Little graphic.

You might want to ease
up on the red crayon



Come in.

Hey, guy. Hey.

Thanks for picking up my kids.

Your kids? Was that today?

What?!

I'm kidding. In
the kitchen, bud.

Don't do that, man.

All right. Calm down.
Dinner's on the way.

Carrie's picking up
a bucket of KFC.

S'all good!

Sorry. I'm dying here.

O'Boyle stuck me
on the 8:00 shift.

He knows I got my kids all week.

Did you talk to him about it?



Yeah. He suggested I
ship them somewhere.

Then at least they could
be in the truck with me.

Hi, Dad. Hey.

Hey, what's up, little men?

Hey, guys. Oh!

OK, chicken in the house.

Oh, what the...

Where the hells's the bucket?

What?

I didn't go to KFC. I
went to that new place,

the Fresh 'N Healthy
Chicken Cafe.

Fresh 'N Healthy Chicken Cafe?

Yeah.

What's wrong with that?

A: fresh. B: healthy. C: cafe.

OK, you know what?

Let's take some of this passion

and cure a disease or something.

Here. Let me give you
some money for the food.

No, no, no, no. Don't
you pay her for this.

Don't you reward her.

Come on, guys.

Deacon, you and the boys
are still coming over

for Thanksgiving dinner, right?

Yep, we are all over it. OK.

I'll tell you who's all
over Thanksgiving.

Major here.

He wrote a book about
it and everything.

Did you, Major?

You want to read
it to everybody?

No.

You want me to read it for you?

OK. OK!

Thanksgiving by Major Palmer.

"I like Thanksgiving.

"You get to have turkey,
and potatoes, and gravy,

and pumpin pie..."

I think he means "pumpkin pie."

Thanks.

"We used to have Thanksgiving
with my mommy and daddy,

"but then they yelled
and got di-borced.

"Now we don't have a family,

so we're having Thanksgiving
with some white people."

Hey, that's us.

I can't even give my kids a
decent family Thanksgiving.

I'm a horrible, horrible father.

I've never felt worse.

Does this mean you're
not gonna dry or...

I should be having
Thanksgiving over at my place,

bring all my relatives in.

That's what a good
father would do.

So do it. How?

I can't even find someone

to pick up my kids from school.

How am I gonna pull off a
whole big Thanksgiving?

I need a wife.

What are you looking at?

You.

Now, look, I'm gonna throw
something out here.

Now, don't shoot it
down right away.

Just let it wash over you.

OK.

I'm thinking of loaning
you out to Deacon.

What?

He's real upset.

He decided he wants to have

a big Thanksgiving at his place,

but he's crazy with work
and the kids and...

Look, bottom line is...

he needs a wife,

so I thought I'd loan
you to him, you know,

like I lent him my drill.

OK, couple of things.

First of all, I am
not a power tool,

and second, if I ever do
become someone else's wife,

it ain't gonna be
another truck driver.

Come on, Deacon's desperate.

It would just be for the week.

You gotta just pick the
kids up, make 'em dinner,

and then help him get
Thanksgiving organized.

I don't know.

It's the spirit of Thanksgiving.

For God sakes, the Pilgrims,

they gave their wives
to the Indians.

That's not what happened.

Well, they gave out maize.
I know that.

Do you even know what maize is?

Some kind of food
that was amazing. Oy.

Come on, Carrie. You
told me yourself.

You got an easy work week.

Your dad's out of town.

Come on.

All right.

I'll do it.

I'll be your best friend's wife.

Sweet.

No, Uncle Fred.

I can't pick you
up at the airport,

'cause I have to
pick up Nana Letty

from the nursing home.

Just take the shuttle
from the airport.

It'll drop you off right here.

No, the shuttle.

When you get off the plane,

just look for the sign.

The sign'll say, "shuttle."

Hang on a sec.

Someone requested a
mail-order bride?

Yeah.

Come on in.

Look, thanks so much for coming.

You are saving my life.

Now, are you sure
you're up for this?

I gotta be honest with ya, Deac.

I think we should
have done this swap

a long time ago.

All right, honey, where
do you want me to start?

You want me to make some dinner?

Chase you around
with a rolling pin?

What do you like?

Well, uh, I'm actually
making some travel plans,

trying to get my family in,

so dinner would be great.

I picked up some ground beef.

The kids love meat loaf.

One loaf of meat
coming right up.

Wow, this looks great.

Thank you.

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

Hello.

Deacon: Hey, man.

What are you doing here?

I just thought I'd drop off

a little housewarming gift,

get the new couple off
on the right foot.

A fern.

Yeah, they sell everything
at gas stations now.

Hey, you wanna stay for dinner?

On your first night together?

Yeah, I'm sure you want

the loser best friend
hanging around.

Actually, I'm gonna
go catch a movie.

Oh... Oh, that
thing is dripping.

Let me throw a plate under this.

Oh, OK.

So, everything going OK?

Yeah, it's great.

You know, I know I
fought you on this one,

but I... I really
feel good, you know?

I really feel like
I'm helping him.

You are. You're doing
a really good thing.

I'm very, very proud of you.

Now...

if I'm gonna make a
movie and a strip club,

I gotta scoot. All right.

Bye, baby.

All right, come on, you guys.
Dig in.

All right, what do you
guys say to Carrie?

Thank you, Carrie.
Thanks, Carrie.

You're welcome.

Thanks, Car.

Are you making
Thanksgiving dinner?

No, honey. Thanksgiving
isn't till Thursday.

I'm just making a
regular dinner.

Were there any black Pilgrims?

Black Pilgrims, no.

I don't think there were.

Why not?

Well, because the
Pilgrims were all white.

They came to America from
England on the Mayflower.

Then how did the black
people get here?

Would you like a cupcake?

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, Maj.

What are you eating there?

Carrie gave me a cupcake.

Oh, OK.

Hey. Hey.

Listen, I picked up the turkey.

There was only one big one left.

I had to throw a few elbows,

but I got it.

Great.

Uh, look, I just saw
Major eating a cupcake.

Has he had dinner yet?

Oh, no.

Yeah, he was yammering
on about something.

You know, throw one of those
in their mouth and...

Yeah.

It's just I kind of have a no
dessert before dinner thing,

but, you know, it's cool.

No, you know what?
It is not cool.

I'm sorry.

I'll be right back.

Damn!

OK.

I got the cupcake back from him.

Great, thanks.
Everything's cool.

Yeah, the thing is

I had to give him
something to get it back,

so I sort of promised he
could stay up late tonight

and watch The Sopranos...

and I think a couple of people
are getting whacked tonight,

so you may have to have a
sit-down with him afterwards.

So Kaplan comes down

to say who gets to work
on the Fennerman case,

and guess who he picks.

Not me. Gina.

She is so sickening.

"Oh, I would love to make
extra copies for you."

"Oh, I would love to pick out

your wife's birthday
present for you."

You know what I would love?

I would love to beat her
with a toner cartridge.

What are you doing over there?

Uh, just trying to figure out

when my family's coming in,

you know, who's staying where.

Oh, and the way she dresses.

I mean, it's not
like I have to wear

a push-up bra to
justify my paycheck.

You know, I'm good at what I do.

Mmm, yeah. You done with that?

Uh, with the glass? Not yet.

I'll take it in there
when I'm done.

Oh, great, so should I hold off
on running the dishwasher?

Yeah, just a couple of minutes.
OK.

Carrie: Like today.

Guess what she was wearing.

Take a guess.

Um, something inappropriate?

Not if you're on the
Dukes of Hazzard.

Capital "H", capital "O",

you know what I'm saying?

Right.

How ya doing on that
glass there, buddy?

Uh, you know what? Here.

All done... You know what?

Actually, why don't I throw
this in the dishwasher?

I'm sure you probably
gotta get going.

It's almost 9:00.

No, what are you talking about?

I have a lot of stuff
to do around here.

Oh, you've done enough.

Get out of here.

No.

It's no problem, really.

You mind if I step out
for a few minutes?

No. That's why I'm here.

All right, uh,

catch ya later.

OK.

Welcome back to live coverage

of the Queens Indoor
Golf Classic,

brought to you by...

Frito Lay.

Put a little crunch
back into your life.

Heffernan just had a beautiful
up-and-down into the hamper.

He's set himself up for
the win with this shot.

He's just gotta get
it up over the couch

and into the cup on the landing

for the win.

Hey, man.

What's up?

Not much. What are you up to?

Just a little indoor golf,

a little stuffed pizza,

and at 9:00 on ESPN,

the National Spelling Bee.

There's an Indian
kid with a lisp

who is kicking ass.

You got the life here, man.

It do not suck.

So, how's the wife?

Oh, trouble in paradise?

She's driving me crazy.

Yeah, well, you should
have thought of that

before you slapped the
ring on her finger.

I'm serious.

What's the problem?

Well, first of all,
she's really not...

She's not great with kids.

That's not her fault.

We don't have any kids.

She hasn't had a chance
to get good with them.

OK, but she has had
the chance to cook.

You don't like her cooking?

Do you?

Exhibit "A".

Huh?

She can whip up some
pretty good stuff.

What'd she make for you?

Meat loaf.

And the way she goes on and on

about all the people
she hates at work,

which, as far as I can tell,

is everyone.

All right, she does not do that.

Guy, last week,

you told me you were
slicing a bagel,

and she was babbling
on about her boss,

and it was so brutal

that you actually
cut into your hand

just to make her stop.

Look, all right,

I'm lending you my wife, man.

Not a lot of guys would do that,

and, you know, she's
trying her best.

So instead of complaining,

maybe you should
start appreciating.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Car.

I'm not here.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

What's... what's...
What's going on?

Well, I was making a
sweet potato casserole,

but I ran out of
marshmallows, so...

I'm picking out some
of the Lucky Charms.

They're a little crunchy,

but I bet ya they're gonna
be magically delicious.

Great.

Excuse me. Yeah.

Hey, Bud.

Everything OK down there?

I think Carrie gave
me Major's underwear.

Go change.

Thank you.

Hi. Hey, Holly.

What are you doing here?

I walk a dog in
your building now,

so I thought I'd stop by.

Listen, I heard
that you're hosting

Thanksgiving for your kids,

and I just think
that is so sweet.

I made you this.

There's someone else.

What are you talking about?

Holly. I want Holly.

What?!

I didn't look for
this to happen.

I didn't plan for it,

but she came to my door

with the best apple
pie I've ever tasted,

and she's great with my kids,

and she's quiet.

But yo...

But you just can't dump Carrie.

She loves being with you.

I've never seen her happier.

I got my whole family coming in.

I got my kids counting on me

for a perfect Thanksgiving.

I can't give 'em sweet potatoes

with Lucky Charms in 'em.

Oh, my God! That sounds great!

It's over, player.

Amazing.

Amazing.

OK.

Fine, whatever.

I guess I'll tell her
tonight after dinner

or maybe before dinner.

You know what?

This whole thing was my idea.

I'll tell her. I just...

Gotta figure out a way
to let her down easy.

OK.

Thanks.

Couldn't you just stay with her

through the holidays?

Yeah, just a table for 2.

Sure, I'll hold.

Hey, babe.

Hey.

Turkey day tomorrow. Uh-huh.

You wanna discuss what
pants you're gonna wear?

Because the last 3 years,
you've chosen poorly.

Great, thank you. OK,
I will see you then.

Pack your bags. What?

Where have you
always wanted to go?

Spain?

How about the Spain of America?

Massachusetts.

You know that place in Stockbridge
you're always talking about?

The Red Lion Inn?

Well, tomorrow night,

we're gonna have a
gourmet meal there

followed by a beautiful stay

in a standard room.

What are you talking
about tomorrow night?

It's Thanksgiving.

I have to help Deacon out.

You already made him
plenty of stuff.

He's well on his way.

When's the last time we had a
romantic Thanksgiving together,

just the two of us?

You know what they say.

Thanksgiving is for lovers.

What's going on here?

Nothing. I just...

wanna spend Thanksgiving
alone with my wife.

Is that so crazy?

Wait a minute.

Are you jealous of all the time

I've been spending with Deacon?

Uh, yeah.

But you were the one who loaned
me out to him in the first place.

I mean, you practically
dragged me over there.

You gave us a fern.

And I was dying inside.

You know what?

I can't believe how
selfish you're being.

I can't back out on Deacon now.

He needs me.

Doesn't need you, really.

Hey, man.

Carrie. She's parking.

Ran up here. Has turkey.

I tried to stop her. I couldn't.

Has turkey!

OK, slow down.

What's going on?

I tried to get her off
this thing all night.

I tried to tell her
I was jealous.

I... I... I tried to take
her to Massachusetts.

She just won't give you up.

She still thinks we're
on for tonight?

Yeah.

I can't believe you.

This is important to me.

It's important to my kids.

Oh, enough of your
kids already, OK?

We get it. You reproduce.

Y-Y-Y-You're killing me here.

I've got Holly in the
kitchen basting a turkey.

Yeah, well, I got Carrie
coming up with another turkey.

So what are we gonna do?
I don't know!

We got 2 broads with 2 birds!

Hey, Doug.

Hi.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey.

Holly.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

Deacon, what's going on?

I don't know. Doug?

I don't know. Carrie?

Deacon asked me to help
out with Thanksgiving.

No, Deacon asked me to help
out with Thanksgiving.

Actually, I never
asked you, Carrie.

Doug offered, and I accepted,

and you were great.

It's just that Holly might be a
slightly, slightly better cook,

so I asked her to step in.

So you just stuck me
in at the last minute

when you realized you didn't
like Carrie's cooking?

And you just let me walk in
here like a friggin' idiot?

And... And now, Carrie,
who I work for, hates me?

Ladies, ladies, ladies!

We can eat both dinners.

Like the Pilgrims
and the Indians,

we'll meet and trade
beads for land

or... or... or something.

No, no, I'm leaving. Excuse me.

But I'll tell you
guys one thing.

The Johnson Beagles
are about to have

the best dinner of their lives.

Well, that's cleared up.

Let me just tell
you something, OK?

I just spent my entire week

taking care of your kids,

cooking your meals,

sharing stories with
you about my job,

but it's over for you, buddy,

'cause I have a man,

and he likes my cooking,

and he likes my stories,

and he's gonna hear all of 'em

on the way up to Massachusetts.

Come on, baby.

Yeah.

Hi. Can I help you?

Table for 14, please.

So, Kaplan comes
down and gives Renee

a stack of papers to file,

and you know she's gonna
fall flat on her face

because she's like,

"uh, which letter comes first?
R or W?"

And I can't say anything

because I'm gonna look bitchy,

but who's gonna have
to redo everything

after she's done with it?

Hello.

So, while she's at lunch,

I refile everything
the right way,

and she comes back

and catches me doing it.

Now things are so
awkward between us,

I don't really know
what to say to her,

but the truth is... Oh, God!

Oh, my God.

I tripped, and I hit the door.

Are you all right?

I killed my funny bone.

I better go downstairs, put
some ice on it... Aah!

OK, baby. Yeah.