The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 11 - Mentalo Case - full transcript

Carrie: Well, OK, great. So...

So, that price for my dad's cruise
includes everything, right?

I mean, all shows?

What about gratuities?

Because the man does not tip.

I'd hate to see Gopher
and Isaac get stiffed,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Yeah, I guess you would hear
those kinda jokes a lot.

OK, well, thanks.

Alrighty, bye-bye.

Who is the luckiest
father in the world?



Phew. I'm gonna go
with the Osmond dad.

No, I was talkin' about my dad.

I am getting him a cruise

to Bermuda for Christmas!

Oh, wow, what a generous gift!

He's gonna love that!

I know. I usually get him a robe

or one of those old
man caps he likes,

but I thought, you
know, why not dig

into my pocket this year

and do something special?

Aw, I'd love to give my
dad something like this.

Course, I'd have
to find him first.

Anyway, Holl,



uh, we're gonna be, uh,
doin' a little thing here

for Christmas on Saturday.

Deacon's comin'
by with the kids.

If you're free.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, my God, I'd love to!
Thank you, Carrie!

Oh, no problem. Anything
special you like?

Just a bucket of eggnog
and a ride home.

Damn.

What?

I screwed up. I ate
all the franks.

Now all I have left is a
crappy bowl of beans.

Yeah. It's like Raisin Bran

after you finish
all the raisins.

Right. That's exactly
what it's like.

Come in!

Hey, guys! Both: Hey, Spence.

Look what I got.

What the hell is that?

Hello?

You don't remember that
from when we were kids?

That's a vintage Joe
Rogers action figure,

circa 1975.

OK, this isn't an action figure.
It's a doll.

Yeah, the only action that
guy's gettin' is with Ken.

Yeah, you guys laugh it up,

but this happens to be
a collectors' item,

cost me 70 bucks on eBay.

You paid 70 bucks just for that?

Uh, and 6 outfits?

That's crazy, man. I tell ya,

the only old toy I'd shell
out any cash for is Mentalo.

You remember Mentalo?

Oh, yeah, that's the
dude with the big head

with the turban that told your future.
It was like, uh...

My sources from beyond the grave say...
proceed!

Yeah! That's it!

That's the one, man.
I loved that toy.

You know what?

I might try and track
one of those down.

Mentalo was a weak-ass toy, man.

"Weak-ass"? Are you on pot?

It was nothing but a
glorified magic 8-ball.

Magic 8-ball? Ohh-ohh!

"Try again later."

Phht!

Hey, Arthur, ready for our walk?

Just wrappin' a gift.
I'll be right with you.

Chopsticks. Who are those for?

Look at the initials.

"C.H."

For "Carrie Heffernan."

Wow, you had them monogrammed?

No, the owner of the Cantonese
Hut had them monogrammed.

2 lunches a week,

a coat with ample sleeves,

and, voilà, here
comes Santy Claus!

So, that's all you're gonna get Carrie?
Some chopsticks?

Some chopsticks? I'm gettin'
her a gross of them!

She can eat like Charlie
Chan till she's 100.

Arthur, are... are you sure
that's a nice enough gift?

Trust me, it's fine.

She'll probably just get
me another old man cap.

I don't know how
many more of those

I can "accidentally"
leave on the bus.

Trust me, Arthur,

I think you're gonna
wanna get her something

a little bit nicer this year.

Why?

Do you know what
she's gettin' me?

Me?

No! How would I know?

You're silly.

Spill it, or I'll tell
people you beat me.

I don't beat you!

My word against yours,

and I can bruise
myself up pretty easy.

I'm like a ripe banana.

All right, fine, fine.

She's getting you a
cruise to Bermuda.

A cruise to Bermuda!

What a thoughtful
and generous gift!

Damn her!

Now I'll have to get
her a nice gift, too.

What do you think she wants?

Oh, I... I don't know.

Then you're gonna
have to find out.

Oh, no, no! I... I
don't wanna do that.

You don't, and so help me,

I'll knock myself
into next week!

Hey.

I just got off the phone
with the travel agent.

About my dad's cruise.
Guess what her name is.

I don't know.

Gertrude!

And she sounded younger than us!

Isn't that weird?

Uh-huh.

What are you doin'?

I'm bidding on a
mint-condition Mentalo,

and I'm 30 seconds away

from reelin' him in.

Oh, crap. Someone's
tryin' to outbid me!

Back off, Rosiefan19!

Wait a minute. You're
bidding 180 bucks?

Are you insane?

Stop it. Stop it. Knock it off.

No, you knock it off.
Sto... Get off!

Get off, woman!

Nice!

That was the only
Mentalo on eBay!

Doug, you can't spend
$180 on a stupid toy.

Oh, yeah? Just last week,
you put twice that much

into some I.R.A. that
we can't even touch.

And, needless to say,

can't tell our future!

Will you stop? Come on,

we're already spending way
too much this Christmas.

My dad's cruise alone is
costing over 600 bucks.

Well, why are you gettin' him
that stupid cruise, anyway?

Why don't you just get
him another old man cap?

He told me he left the
last one on the bus.

I'm getting him the cruise.

Why are you so obsessed
with this toy, anyway?

I don't know. It just... I...

I guess it reminds me of a simpler
time in my life, you know?

A time when I didn't have
to worry about payin' bills

or goin' after that
big promotion.

OK, you've never done
either of those.

But I know I should,

and it's very stressful, OK?

You just don't know what
Mentalo meant to me.

Woman: Dougie, come on down!

Pa's takin' you fishin'
down at the crick.

Coming!

Mentalo, are we gonna
hook any catfish today?

The spirit world tells me...

yes.

Hot dog!

"The crick"?

Yeah, the crick.

OK, where was there
a crick in Queens?

All right, take it easy, OK?
I'm just makin' a point.

And that point is,
I loved Mentalo.

He made me happy.

And if my sister hadn't
have smashed him

after I made fun of her
for gettin' her period,

he'd be makin' me
happy to this day.

Hey!

Hey, Holl.

Wrappin' gifts.

Hey, you're a wrapper.

Right.

If you were wrapping those gifts

and then you slapped me
around a little bit,

you'd be a gangsta wrapper.
You know?

♪ Boom, boom, shh, boom, boom ♪

♪ Wickie, wickie,
wickie, wickie, wick ♪

I'm sorry, did I forget
to pay you, or...

No! No.

I... I need your
help with something.

I have to buy, um, a gift,

uh, for my cousin.

And I wanna get her
something really nice.

Um, do you have any suggestions?

Well, what kinds of
things does she like?

What do you like?

Me?

Yeah. I mean, you guys have,
like, the exact same taste.

I mean, you guys were practically
separated at birth, you know?

I mean, not
surgically, more like

as if one of you
was, like, stolen.

Get a little head start on
that eggnog there, Holl?

No, I guess I'm just
kinda freaked out

'cause I really need
to get this gift.

I mean, do you have any ideas?

I mean, remember, nice.

OK, nice. Um...

Oh! Well, I saw this gorgeous
burgundy leather jacket at Wilsons.

That's great! Great!
What... What size?

How would I know?

Well, what size are you?

And then I'll just add one.

She's got a little
junk in the trunk,

if you know what I mean.

Well, I'm a... I'm a size 2.
I...

That's perfect! That's great.
That's great.

Thanks!

Oh, my God.

"Oh, my God" what?

I just realized what
Holly was doing.

I think Holly's gonna get me

a really expensive leather
jacket for Christmas.

Why? Well, I guess she was really
touched that I invited her

over here to celebrate with us.

Crap!

How's it gonna look when she
hands me a leather jacket

and I hand her a Lady
Gillette gift pack?

Like you're a penny-pinchin' ho.

Ohh! Now I have to get
her something nice!

Man, between that and
my father's cruise,

there's no way I can
afford all this.

What am I gonna do?

Hmm. If we only had
some kind of device

to help us see the future.

Oh, well.

OK. Well, now I understand

why you like these toy fairs.

You're like the James
Dean of this crowd.

Do you want a Mentalo or not?

Damn right I do. I'm sick of
Carrie pushin' me around.

First it's "Eat one vegetable
a week." Now this.

Well, my friend Kenny says he's got
one, so let's go check it out.

Hey, Kenny!

Hu-bey, Spu-bence!

Bu-be ru-bight wu-bith you-bou.

Cool.

So, why does he, uh...

Why is he talkin' like that?

Kenny likes to speak Ubbi Dubbi.

What?

Ubbi Dubbi.

The language from
the old Zoom show?

Ubbi Dubbi!

Get with it.

Yeah, I'm the loser. OK.

Su-bo... Oh.

Uh, this is my friend Doug.

He's lookin' for the Mentalo.

U-bi ju-bust su-bold u-bit.

What? What? What did he say?

He said he just sold it!

What? Wha... Kenny,
what happened?

Wu-bell, thu-be thu-bing...

Talk English, man!

The thing is, some guy
made a really good offer.

Was it Rory? That bastard.

No, it wasn't one
of the regulars.

It was some... some tall
black guy with a beard.

Actually, he was wearing an I.P.S.
cap just like his.

Deacon?

Hang on.

Was it...

this guy?

You have a picture of
Deacon in your wallet?

Don't worry. You're
in there, too.

Yup, that's him. Just bought
it, like, half an hour ago.

Sorry.

He called Mentalo weak-ass!

Why the hell would he buy it?

Maybe he bought it for you.

What? For Christmas.

No, we said we weren't
gettin' each other gifts.

Although, you know what,

maybe since we invited
him over for Christmas,

he decided to get
me one after all.

There ya go.

Ohh. God. That is the
Deac-man for ya.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you know what? I'm
gonna get him a gift.

I'm gonna get him
a great one, too.

Uh, how 'bout a Bionic
Woman cocktail set?

How 'bout you take my
picture out of your wallet?

Hi, Gertrude?

Carrie Heffernan. Listen,

about my dad's cruise,

turns out the package I selected

is a little pricey
for me right now.

Are there any cheaper options?

OK, any way we can knock the
price even lower than that?

Oh, I don't know, maybe he
could, uh, bunk with the crew

or clean up after the magician?

Uh, excuse me, Gert,

but I am a good daughter, OK?

Just turns out that I had some
other gift obligations arise,

and I just can't
afford it right now.

Besides,

it's not like he's buying
me anything so great.

$198.50...

60...

1, 2, 3. There you go.

Well, some lucky lady's going to be
having a merry Christmas this year.

Ah, shut up.

Deacon: Coming.

Hey!

Merry Christmas eve day!

Same to you.

I love you, man. Bring it in.

Bring it in, man. Bring it in!

OK, player, let's end this
while it's still good.

Right.

So, uh, what brings you by?

Oh, I was just in
the neighborhood,

just pickin' up a couple
things at Target.

Or, as I like to call it,

Tar-"get me one of
everything in here," right?

'Cause they got... They got
everything there, right?

Oh, yeah.

Just out of curiosity,
what's, like,

your favorite thing
in the whole place?

I don't know.

Oh, oh. They just got
this new plasma TV.

50 inches! That sucker's crazy!

Plasma TV, huh? Uh-huh.

What's your
second-favorite thing?

I guess either the titanium
golf clubs or the Jet Ski.

What's your favorite thing
near the cash register?

Wait...

you're not thinking about
gettin' me something, are you?

'Cause we said no
Christmas gifts.

Ri-i-ght...

Seriously, man, 'cause I
didn't get you anything.

Ri-i-ght...

All right, why do you
keep saying "ri-i-ght"?

'Cause I know you
got me something.

But I didn't.

Ri-i-ght...

Would you stop that?

You really didn't?

No. Then where is it?

Where's what?

The Mentalo you bought
from the Ubbi Dubbi dude!

You're trippin'! Yeah.

The only thing I'm trippin'
over is your dirty lies!

You know, this is
very insulting.

In the bedroom!

That's even more insulting.

You're... You're
wasting your time!

Oh, am I?

Ha ha ha!

Huh.

That's weird.

I can't believe you, man!

OK, so I bought Mentalo.
Big deal.

I didn't do anything wrong.

Oh, please. You heard me
say I wanted to get one!

Oh, so because you said the
word "Mentalo" out loud,

you deserve it more than I do?

Yeah! Well, too bad. It's mine!

Well, why do you
want it, anyway?

You said it was a weak-ass toy!

'Cause I was hurtin', man.

I've been wanting this toy
since I was 12 years old.

Damn!

Do you like your
new toy, Winthrop?

I suppose it's all right, Mummy.

Just all right?

What I really wanted was a pony.

Boy's Mother: Oh. Very well.

Anderson, to the
stables, please.

Thank you ever so much, Mummy!

Oh, damn!

"Thank you ever so much, Mummy"?

OK, so maybe I
embellished a little.

The point is, Mentalo was something
that kids with money could buy,

something a kid from the
streets could never have.

The streets? Your
father was a dentist.

Yeah, but he wouldn't
buy me a Mentalo.

It wasn't "educational" enough.

But I always wanted one,

and now I finally have it.

And as my best friend,
you should understand

how important this is to me.

But you know what?

If this toy means more to you

than our friendship, then fine.

Go ahead.

Take it.

Mentalo, should I start
working out more?

The voices from beyond
the grave say...

no.

You've done it again,
my turbaned friend.

Oh, look, Mentalo.

There's the mean lady who
didn't want us to be together.

Wait a second. You...
You got a Mentalo?

That's right, and I'm
keeping it, so step away.

So, let me get this straight,

even after I told you not to,

you went out and
bought it anyway?

No, Deacon did, and I took his.

Oh, God.

Well, you gotta give it back.

Get outta here!

Doug, trust me,

you wanna give it back to him.

I don't trust you,

and I'm not giving
it back to him.

I am telling you, give it back!

And I'm telling you, no!

Do it! No!

Doug! Why do you even care?

Because I bought you
one, you idiot!

You did?

Yes! Yeah, for Christmas.

Your stupid crick story
actually got to me,

so I found one way up in Nyack.

So, between that and
the gold earrings

that I had to buy for Holly,

it's costing me a fortune.

That's why I had to
cancel my dad's cruise.

Well, why didn't you tell
me you got me a Mentalo?

It was a Christmas gift.

I feel horrible.

All I got you was a
Far Side calendar.

Well, that's OK,

because I am getting a
leather jacket from Holly.

So you're gonna give
it back to Deacon?

I will. I will. I...

I'll just give it
to him tomorrow

when he comes over for Christmas

like I'm being the bigger man.

And then I'll act all surprised

when I get my Mentalo.

That's a good idea, right?

Mm-hmm.

I wasn't asking you.

The spirits say...

proceed.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I get it.

I get it.

"Remove funny bone."

Right there.

Aah!

All right, enough of the
holiday yakety-yak.

Let's get down to the
real reason we're here...

Wrapped merchandise.

Deacon, this one's for you,

and it looks like from... Doug.

Well, what do you know?
Here you go, bud.

No, thanks.

Come on. My sources from
beyond the grave say...

you'll like it.

You mean it's...
Batteries included.

Thanks, man.

Well, it is yours, and I
did steal it from you.

Ah, bring it in.

All right, guys, save it
for under the mistletoe.

All right, Holly.

Here you go.

This is for you.
Merry Christmas.

Carrie, you didn't need
to get me anything.

Ohh, I think I did.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

It's gold earrings! Oh, my God!

This is the best gift
I've ever gotten!

Hope you like it.

Ohh!

I do! Gosh, I'm
kind of embarrassed

about my gift to you, though.

Oh, please, I'm sure
whatever it is,

I'm sure I'll be delighted.

This is it?

Yeah. OK.

Is it folded?

A lot?

Silly, open it up! OK.

A mug?

Yeah, I painted it
at Color Me Mine.

It's for your hot cocoa. Look,

it says "Merry Swiss-mis."

"Swiss-mis." I... Yeah!

I get it. That's gr-great.
Well, thank you.

All right, sweetheart,
our turn to swap.

Here you go. OK...

Thank you. And here you go.

Ohh, what a lovely box.

I have a feeling my
ship has come in.

Wait a minute.

You bought me the
leather jacket?

Another old man cap?

Where's my cruise?

How'd you know about the cruise?

She told me!

He said he was gonna
punch himself!

I can't believe this.
I get a stupid cap,

and this stranger gets a pair
of beautiful gold earrings!

Hey!

I had to get her
the gold earrings!

I thought she was buying
me a leather jacket!

Plus I had to get Doug
his freakin' Mentalo.

Hey!

This is Mental Man!

It's the same thing.

Mental Man is the
cheap knockoff!

What's the difference?

Fez...

turban! Wake up, woman!

Who cares about that crap?

I'm supposed to go to Bermuda!

I already got my shots!

All right, butt out, Arthur, OK?

Doug, leave him alone!

Hey, calm down.

Yeah, that's easy
for you to say.

You got Mentalo.

Look, Mental Man's
pretty good, too.

Then trade with me. Oh, I
don't want no knockoff.

Well, what's the difference?

Your parents didn't love you
enough to buy you either one!

Shut up, man!

Give me the Mentalo!
Get away from me!

Give me the Mentalo!
Leave me alone!

Stop that!

So? What are we doing
about my problem?

Dad, I can't afford to send
you on the cruise right now.

I'll send you for
your birthday, OK?

Fine!

You can have this back

when I set sail!

Oh, don't be ridiculous!

That cap I got you is great!

Arthur: I can't
stand those caps!

Carrie: Oh, that's...

♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy New Year

♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy New Year

Richard Nixon: So I guess
that's the question.

Should I do it?

Should I guarantee myself
an unconditional pardon,

resign the presidency
of the United States?

Mentalo: My sources from beyond
the grave say... proceed.

Rosemary,

get me Ron Ziegler.

I need to arrange a
press conference.