The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 12 - Jung Frankenstein - full transcript

Morning, chief.

Hey, Artie.

Whoa. Whatcha makin' there?

A stack of flapjacks? Batter pies?
Griddle hoppers?

Yes, or as we like to call
them on this planet...

Pancakes.

You, uh, you want some?

No, thanks. Those things
cork me up pretty good.

Hey.

Pancakes?!

Yeah. Sausage, too?



What... what happened
to your diet?

Uh, not sure, really.

I think it got lost
in the shuffle

somewhere around Tuesday.

Well, for God's sakes, eat a
light lunch today, will you?

What is the point of that?

You can't resurrect a diet

on a Friday afternoon.
It's crazy.

Just eat light, OK?

The Finkels are taking
us to a nice restaurant

before the theater tonight.

Finkels? The theater?

What just happened here?!

I told you about this last week.



Sandy Finkel works for one
of the senior partners,

and she likes me,

and it's good for me to
have a friend upstairs.

And for that I've got to sit
through an entire play?

What are we seeing anyway?

The Iceman Cometh.

What?!

How do you even know
you won't like it?

Cometh, Carrie. Cometh!

Hey, man.

What have you got
there, a salad?

Yeah, I'm eating light. I
got a dinner thing tonight.

What's going on here?

Egg-roll-eating contest.

That's your seat, Mary.

Actor: It's the best
time of a man's life.

Second actor: Great
thing about you, Harry,

how young you've stayed.

Get my things from the laundry.

They must still have 'em.

What the hell is
going on in there?

I'm sorry. My stomach's
a little upset.

A little?!

You're making this place
smell like a refinery.

The Finkels are staring.

Look, I'm trying to
burp towards you.

Gee, thanks so much.

OK, look, I had some not-great
egg rolls for lunch, OK?

I told you to eat light.

How many did you have?

16.

16?

It was a contest, OK?

And I won by a landslide,

not that you even care, OK?

OK, you know what?
Stop doing that.

I... I can't help it.

Help it. I can't, Carrie!

I ate 5 pounds of
deep-fried cabbage.

My pants are too tight.

I'm sitting in a
hot, enclosed space.

It's The Perfect Storm.

Then just go home.

Really? Yes.

I will make an excuse for you.
Just take the subway,

and I will see you later.
OK, I love you.

Get lost. OK.

Actor: Same applies
to Harry himself

and his 2 cronies at the bar.

OK.

Hello, darling.

Hey, Daddy.

Hey, sorry I had
to bail tonight,

but definitely the right move.

Things got a lot
worse on the subway.

What is that?

This? A Yodel.

A Yodel.

Yeah, a Yodel.

Not to be confused
with the very similar

but far less satisfying Ho-Ho.

So let me get this straight.

You had to walk
out on me tonight

because you ate yourself
into a burping stupor,

and now you're stuffing your face
full of chocolate-covered lard?

It's not lard. It's cream,

and it's gently
coating my stomach.

You think this is funny?

No. It's ironic.

I mean I can't even get
mad at you anymore, Doug!

You're just too pathetic!

Until you get yourself some
help, don't even talk to me.

Get myself some help?
What does that even mean?

What does it mean?

You need therapy, Doug.

You need a trained professional

to sit and talk with you
and help you understand

why you live your life like
a raccoon in a Dumpster.

How can you eat that after
what she just said?!

She's just upset, OK?

I'm going back on
my diet tomorrow.

Oh, yes. "I'll fix
everything tomorrow."

The all too familiar
refrain of the addict.

Addict? Come on. No,
I won't come on.

You got a serious
problem, young man,

and you gotta face it.

OK, I wasn't gonna
eat it that time.

Listen to me, Douglas.

I know from whence I speak.

I've had the monkey
on my back, too.

That's right. Arthur
Spooner was addicted.

To what?

Nasal spray.

All right.

I tell you, with that
sweet stuff in me,

I could breathe through my nose
like I never dreamed possible!

Fantastic feeling.

And I chased that feeling
through 8 jobs and 2 marriages.

If it wasn't for methadone,

I'd be on it to this day.

So, basically, this
process involves

taking a journey into your
early childhood traumas

to discover and hopefully modify

the unconscious desires
that cause you to overeat.

Right, right.

And is this something that can
be wrapped up today or...

You were 15 minutes late,

So probably not.

Tha... Uh...

I'm getting the impression

that you... you don't have a lot
of confidence in this process.

It's just that, you
know, I kind of think

that if I ate less and
hopped on a treadmill,

it might help more
than sitting here

staring at a bowl full
of Hershey Kisses.

May I?

Oh, I'm sorry. I meant
to put those away.

It's just my... my tax
guy was here earlier,

and, well, he... he likes
to have something sweet.

Uh, Doug,

when you eat those,

can you tell me just...
What are you feeling?

To be honest,

like they're a couple
Halloweens past their prime.

Um...

but I was more wondering when...
when you're... when you eat,

how do you feel emotionally?

Uh, do you think that
you seek out food

when you're angry,
depressed, elated?

Yes, I do.

Oh, which?

Those, the ones you
just said there.

But I would add to the
list scared and bored.

Scared and bored.

And itchy.

And itchy?

No!

So. Huh? Huh? Check it out.

Another healthy breakfast?

You're a madman.

And watch this.

I'm full, so now I'm gonna stop.

You know, I've heard
about people doing that,

but I always thought it
was just urban legend.

Honey, I am really proud of you.

So this therapy,
it's working, huh?

Oh, yeah. In fact,

Dr. Wagner's got me
keeping a food journal.

Helps me connect my
emotions to my eating.

Yeah? May I?

All right, but don't laugh,

'cause some of it's
a little fruity.

Let's see here.

Uh, "Thursday, 9:30 A.M."

"Thinking of stopping
for a cheesesteak.

"Feeling depressed
and humiliated

because Supervisor
O'Boyle called me a..."

What's this?

"Llama ass"?

"Lame-ass." Ah!

"A lame-ass in front
of the other drivers,

"but I'm not a lame-ass,

and I don't need
that cheesesteak."

Good for you, baby.

Thank you.

"10:07 A.M.: Wanted
a sausage calzone.

Got one and ate it."

That was just the first day.

I didn't want to
shock my system.

I gotta tell you, honey.

I mean, I've seen
you diet before,

but you've got a different
look in your eye this time.

Yeah. Yeah. This time it's the real deal.
I can feel it.

Just don't let me lose too
much weight, 'cause...

I don't have a thin-guy head.

I'm on it.

This is it.

This is where the magic happens.

Oh, I am liking what I'm seeing.

Actually, the magic
happens in there.

This is basically "the
looney bull pen."

Oh, hi, Doug.

Hey, Dr. Wagner. This
is my wife Carrie.

Hi. Pleased to meet you.

Oh, same here.

Hey, we just went out to
dinner, and guess what?

She ate more than me.

Yeah. I had a salad, half a
sandwich, and an iced tea.

Who is this guy? I don't know.

I have no idea.

So, you all set to...

Yeah. I'm just gonna
use the men's room.

And then you go
back to work on me.

This guy, I'm telling
you, he's amazing.

I wish... I wish I had more
problems for him to fix.

I'll tell you that much.

You've got a good man there.

Yeah, good man. Question.

Uh, do you have a sec?

I... I suppose so.

Oh, OK.

Uh, what if Doug did have
other problems to fix?

Hypothetically, could you just
kind of throw those in there

while you're talking
about the weight thing?

Uh, sure, of course.

I mean, my job is
to steer the ship

wherever the patient
needs it to go.

Yeah, you know where you
might want to steer things:

Doug's TV problem.

He watches it a lot, kinda got
a zombie thing goin' on there.

Think you can spend some
time with him on that?

Uh, I... I... I could,

but Doug would have
to bring it up.

Ah, yes, I would never
want you to push it there.

You know, obviously, you
know what you're doing.

You're a very talented man.

Oh.

Thank you.

Yeah, I mean it. I mean,
it's like, obviously,

y-y-you have, like, a gift

for this kind of work.

I just kind of took
to it in med school.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah.

Yes.

Which is good, 'cause I could
never memorize the names

of all those bones.

Oh, yeah?

The names, they're so similar.

Yes, they are similar!

Yes!

Anyway, whatever you can
do about the TV thing,

that would be great.

Um, yeah, but you know, it's
really up to Doug, though.

Yeah, yeah, it's just that
Doug might need a little...

a little nudge, you know?

Like just a little
bitty little nudge.

Well, I... I just don't...

Are your eyes brown or hazel?

I can't... Steel blue.

Steel blue. Fantastic.

My mother would make
dinner for me every night,

but after she got that job
at the community center,

she stopped.

I was only 7 years old.

You must have felt
somewhat abandoned.

Yeah, exactly, I felt
completely abandoned.

I mean, she only worked
every other Tuesday,

but still,

longest month of my life.

So, uh, what did you do on those,
uh, nights until she got home?

I don't know. I watched TV or...

Oh, God, I used to rip the
head off my G.I. Joe doll

and I'd stick it on top
of a ketchup bottle

and make him bleed
through the ears.

It was awesome.

Well, speaking of TV...

Hey.

Hey, baby. How was your session?

Great. On my way home,

I walked down Austin Street,

or as I like to call
it, doughnut alley,

and I never broke stride.

Oh, well, that's great!

So you're probably really tired.

You just want to relax and
just watch some TV, huh?

You know what? I don't think so.

No TV?

But you love TV, honey.

Yeah, I love it too much.

In fact, we talked about it in
the last part of my session.

About TV? Mm-hmm.

How odd.

You... you sure you
don't want to watch TV?

No. All right.

You want to, uh,
want to read a book?

Whoa.

Baby steps.

Hello.

I got some shampoo,

2 packs of Juicy Fruit
gum, uh, Playboy magazine,

and a couple of these.

Need a price check on
Nostrin nasal decongestant,

50 milliliters.

That's all right. Just
charge me whatever you want.

Nostrin nasal spray. Can I
get a price check, please?

It's for a friend.

All right, baby.
Have a good time.

OK, I'll see you at home.

OK.

Psst!

One sec.

Uh, I-I-I'll be with
you in just a moment.

OK.

Hi. I just wanted to say
great job on the TV thing.

You are like the Michael
Jordan of psychotherapy.

No, no, no.

Karl Malone, maybe.

It's just that now that Doug's
watching a lot less TV,

we're having a lot
more sexual time,

which is good,

but it could be better.

That's where you come in.

Hey.

Hey, Deac.

What are you doing here?

I'm taking Doug to
his therapy session.

You are? Mm-hmm.

But... but I always do that.

Uh, yeah, but we're going
to the driving range after.

See, now that he's
dropped a few pounds,

he can actually see
the ball on the tee.

Damn, but I really need
to talk to his therapist.

I need you to do me a favor.

OK, uh, what's the favor?

Give this to the guy,

and whatever you do, do
not let Doug see it.

OK. What is it?

It's a recipe.

For clam chowder.

You don't have to
read it, sweetie.

It's normal stuff, you know,

clams, potatoes.

"Doug needs to be
more spontaneous."

Uh, "Less pouty."

What is this?

All right, it's...

it's a list for his therapist,

things I want Doug to work on.

I kinda do it to
nudge his therapy

in the right direction.

And Doug doesn't know this?

No! If he knew about it,
he wouldn't go for it.

I mean, he needs to think it's
coming from the therapist.

Why? Is that a
horrible thing to do?

Hand me the pen.

So, in the dream, this weird
red object kept appearing,

and I couldn't get away from
it no matter what I did.

What do you think it was?

Dr. Wagner?

Huh? Huh? What?

The weird red thing in my dream,

what do you think it was?

Oh, that. Clearly,
that represents, uh...

pizza?

But it was square.

Chicago-style pizza in a pan.

You know, Doug,

we're... we're running a
little low on time here.

What do you say we shift
the focus of the session

to some other issues that you
might want to deal with?

Like maybe...

a lack of spontaneity

or poutiness.

Are you pouty, Doug?

I really want to talk about
the dream some more.

Uh-huh. I really don't think
there's much there, Doug.

Um, why don't we focus more

on paying your gambling debts

or why you won't return
your friend's Sting CD?

Why... why do you keep
looking at that paper for?

Oh, this? Oh, this is nothing.

I'm just... This is
some notes I'm making

for a journal
article that I'm...

lying to you about, Doug.

I can't do this. I'm sorry.
I just can't do this.

What?

You know what? Just...
Would you tell your wife

that I did not go to
medical school for 6 years

to be giving therapy off the
back of a Visa bill, all right?

Damn it, Doug, I've won awards.

I think I need some
time to myself.

Hey, hey! So, am
I getting my CD?

I can't believe it was you.

This whole time it was you

who was trying to change me.

I'm sorry. You weren't
supposed to find out.

Of course not. The puppet's
not supposed to know

there's a hand up his...
puppet chute!

All right, look.

Maybe my methods were a
little bit questionable,

but I was only
trying to help you.

I just wanted to help you
become a happier person.

Really? Really?

And how is not singing
along with the car radio

going to make me happier?

That's one of his.

You never know the
damn words, man.

OK, you know what?
You can leave now.

As soon as I get my CD.

It's by the stereo, OK?

The case is kind of cracked.

I can't believe you. I mean,
why'd you even marry me

if you hate everything about me?

I don't.

Oh, please.

You've been feeding this guy
your complaints for a month.

I should've just strapped

a suggestion box to my ass,

saved you the trip.

Doug, when this whole
thing started,

my only agenda was that
you stop overeating.

I promise you.

But then I thought, you know,

as long as the car
is in the shop...

The car? The car? That's
what I am to you?

A car I love.

The only car I ever
want to drive.

Look.

Why'd you have to
talk to the shrink?

Why couldn't you
just come to me?

Because I don't know
how to fix a car.

You know? For your sake,

I wanted to make sure that
you were properly serviced.

That's all? You just
wanted to make sure

I was properly... serviced?

Exactly.

OK, well, then I'll see you
upstairs for a jiffy lube.

Doug: And bring ice
cream for after!

Oh. Good night, darling.

Good night, Dad.

What have I become?

Hey! What the devil do
you think you're doing?!

Buying nasal spray.

Not if I have anything
to say about it.

But I have a cold.

Liar!

I just saved your life!