The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 13 - Attention Deficit - full transcript
Carrie is nervous about an upcoming job evaluation but Doug can't be bothered because he's desperately trying to get everybody to come to his Super Bowl party.
Hey, Lou.
Hey, Carrie.
Everything OK? You
seem a little down.
Oh. Ah, it's just this,
uh, thing at work.
They brought in some consultant
to evaluate all of us.
I get my pounding tomorrow.
I bet you're gonna do great.
Ohh. That's sweet.
Thanks, Lou.
Hey, babe.
Hey. Come here,
come here, quick.
Pick a card. Come on.
Oh, no. Come on, honey.
I'm not in the mood.
Not in the mood?
You sure you wanna
use that one up on a card trick?
Fine.
Aren't the cards supposed
to be facing down?
Why, the little lady's right,
so let's turn 'em over.
Oh! Who is this?
That's you.
Nope. It's 52 of me.
I made 'em up special for my Super
Bowl party. Aren't they great?
Mm-hmm.
Hey, look what happens when
you flip through them.
I don't move, just
like real life.
Oh, please don't tell
me we're out of Advil.
Yeah, I think we are. Why?
What's the matter with you?
I'm getting a migraine.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, it's this
freakin' evaluation
at work tomorrow.
You know, I'm gonna go
upstairs and lay down.
Could you do me a favor and
bring me that heat wrap?
You have to put it in the
microwave for, like, 3 minutes.
Yes. I was gonna nuke
myself a hot pocket,
but you go right to
the head of the line.
Oh, uh, quick question
vis-à-vis my Super Bowl blowout.
No, honey. I can't focus
on that right now...
But just real quick.
Since the living room
TV is being fixed,
can I bring the big screen
in from the garage?
Doug! I'm sorry.
You head on up.
I'll see you in 3.
OK. Thanks.
Heh.
Huh.
Doug?
Shh!
What are you doing?!
Oh, I... I guess it needs
another couple minutes.
Gentlemen, a little Super
Bowl party update.
I'll be introducing a few
new recipes this year.
Let's just say I found a way
that guacamole can
get you drunk.
Talkin' about a guaca-tini!
Hello?
Cool.
Is there some sort
of problem, or...
Well, thing is,
Barry, the new guy from
the loading dock...
he's having a Super
Bowl party, too.
Barry, from the loading dock?
He's a good guy.
Yeah, he's a good guy who
looks over at me when I pee.
Well, maybe he's, uh,
never seen someone pee
while eating a sandwich.
Come on, the Super Bowl
party is my thing.
Hey, who else offers you a
different theme every year, huh?
Well, yeah, yeah.
Last year it was, uh,
bring your own meat,
bread, and chair.
And then there was the year
you hired the stripper.
He was great.
How was I supposed to know?
His name was Sandy.
You know what? You guys
are just threatened
by a man who's comfortable
with his body.
Whatever.
Come on, it's gonna
be great this year.
Any other issues?
You never offer any
healthy alternatives.
What's with you people?
Deac, will you tell these idiots
they're coming to my
Super Bowl party?
Yeah, um... about that...
You're bailing?!
Well, I got my
kids this weekend.
So?
So, Barry's gonna
have a petting zoo.
A petting zoo. Oh, that's
a great idea, yeah.
I hope you like cutting
your kid's finger
out of a llama's belly.
And it's just one game.
I mean, don't we watch
enough sports together?
The Super Bowl party is
my annual thing, man.
It's tradition!
Guy, you've had it like
3 of the last 8 years.
OK, so I haven't
had it every year,
but I've had it more
often than not.
No, it's less often than not.
Look, I'll tell you what. If
you can get something together
that's halfway entertaining for
my kids, then I'll show up.
Thank you. And I expect the same
from all of you, understand?
Could you at least pick
up a fruit platter?
All right, you're
out of control.
Hey, Lou.
Hey, Carrie.
Oh, hey. How was
your evaluation?
Oh, uh, it actually got
postponed to tomorrow,
but that was so sweet
of you to ask.
No problem.
Hey, babe.
Hey.
How was your day?
It was good.
Yeah, my day was
pretty crazy, too.
Yeah. So, got a
little dilemma here.
I'm looking for the perfect
mozzarella stick for my party.
Problem is, I like the
cheese from Fanelli's,
but the breading
from Sorisi's Pizza.
Well, the important
thing is not to panic.
Wait, it gets worse.
Best marinara dipping sauce?
Cooper's.
It's crazy.
OK, well, good luck with that.
Guess I'll go start dinner,
unless you had anything
else you wanna say
about your day or... mine.
No.
I'm sorry. You want
a cheese stick?
No.
By the way, if you're wondering
how my evaluation
went today at work,
you can just go next door
and ask Lou Ferrigno.
You know what?
I was just gonna ask
you about that.
Oh, yeah? When?
After you work through your
big dipping sauce crisis?
OK, I forgot. OK? I'm sorry.
Oh, that's funny because Lou
Ferrigno didn't forget.
Apparently he cares
more about me
than my own husband does.
Good to know.
Oh, come on. Lou... He has to be nice.
He's a giant.
If he wasn't nice,
he'd have villagers coming
after him with torches.
Oh, please.
Just tell me how it went.
It got postponed.
Postponed? Then why are
you yelling at me?
Because you didn't know that.
Yeah, but I sensed it.
You and I, we have
an unspoken bond.
It's like we don't even have to ask.
We just know.
We're like twins.
Yeah. We're like twins.
We should switch clothes
and try to fool people.
OK, it slipped my mind. It
happened this one time.
This one time? OK,
how about last night
when it just slipped your
mind that I was upstairs
with one of the worst headaches
I've had in my life,
and you're down here
building a house of cards.
Yeah, if you want to bring
up ancient history.
The point is...
I love you. Come here.
Oh, please, please.
I think you're blowing this
way out of proportion here!
I don't think I am, Doug. Uh,
let me ask you a question.
Do you think about me,
you know, throughout your
day, when we're not together?
Do you think about me at all?
Of course I do.
Yeah? Like when? What
are your thoughts?
That...
you're... pretty.
Oh, OK, and I guess all you
do is sit around all day
just thinking about me.
No, I don't sit around all day
thinking about you, Doug,
but I do think about you a lot.
Oh, yeah? OK, well, give me an
example of one of these times
when you're thinking of me.
Go ahead. Take all the
time you need, Toots.
OK. Well, you know how
you've been having
all these dentist appointments
for your impacted molars?
Yeah. What about them?
OK, well,
when I know you're
sitting in that chair,
I am thinking of you because
I know you're nervous,
and I am hoping that you are OK.
Like you have one at
2:00 tomorrow, right?
I will be sitting at my
desk thinking about you
because you're my
husband and I love you.
That's the best you got?
Hey.
Hey.
All right, so talk to me about
this Super Bowl party, Doug.
Huh? Oh, it's, uh, it's
coming right along.
Really? 'Cause Barry
just announced
he's getting a Ben
and Jerry's cart,
and my kids got wind of it.
You know what I think? I think
Barry's trying a little too hard
to get children to
come to his house.
Just tell me what you
got planned, all right?
Well, unlike Barry,
I don't need to showboat, OK?
Let's just say it's
gonna be pretty sweet.
Ooh, yeah.
I knew it. You got nothing.
You know what? We're
going to Barry's party.
OK, you wanna know what we got?
We got a haunted
house in the garage.
There. Way to ruin the surprise.
A haunted house?
Yeah, a haunted house,
with skeletons and a...
A bowl full of eyeballs.
Very scary stuff.
If I were you, I'd pack
'em extra underoos.
All right, I guess we'll come.
OK, are we done talking about
your precious offspring?
'Cause, believe it or not, I actually
have other things on my mind.
Oh, yeah? Like what?
Last night, Carrie and
I had this big fight
about how I forgot
to ask her about
her evaluation at work,
and how she's always
thinking about what's
going on in my life.
She told you that?
Yeah. Like when I'm
at the dentist,
she said she's feeling
all bad for me.
Sucker.
What do you mean?
Women love to talk about how
much they think about you.
It's a big scam. You know what
they're really thinking about?
What? Chick crap.
You know, throw
pillows and lotions
and private schools
and Lenny Kravitz
and fat-free sour cream.
But not you, babe. Oh, no.
All right. How much should I
discount what you're saying
because you're coming off
a very bitter divorce?
20%.
OK.
You know what? You
still make a point.
Where you going?
We'll just see how much
she thinks about me.
Woman: You're kidding me.
Carrie: No.
Ugh, he couldn't be grosser.
Oh, I know. I know.
Then I'm desperately
trying to get away.
Doug: Well, well, well.
Excuse me one second.
Doug, what are you doing here?
Well, I just thought I'd
pay you a little visit
at 2:00 when I'm
supposed to be having
my dentist appointment.
What? Yeah, you know,
when you said you were
gonna be thinking of me.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I guess laughing it up
with your little pajama party
is how you feel my pain.
How touching.
OK, let me get this straight.
You actually came down here
to catch me not thinking of you?
That's right.
What about your
dentist appointment?
I canceled it.
Good plan, Doug.
Let another day's worth of
food get stuck in there
because I can't get
enough of watching you
work that thing
with your tongue.
Ah, you know what?
Don't try to make this
about my mouth, OK?
This is about the fact that you
are no better than I am, sister.
You know what you are?
You're a hypocrite.
Hypocrite? Pretty
big word there.
Yeah, I checked it. It's right.
All right, Doug. You know what?
OK, you caught me.
You caught me.
At exactly 2:00, no, I was
not thinking about you.
Hmm!
But at my lunch hour,
I did go and get you
the Jackie Chan movie
you've been wanting to see
because I knew you'd need
a little pick-me-up.
Shanghai Noon. Mm-hmm.
He's in the old
west in this one.
And then I went by that deli
and got you that
soup that you like
because I knew your
mouth would hurt.
If you don't believe me, it's
in the refrigerator over there.
No, I... I believe you.
Yeah, you know what, Doug?
If you put this much energy
into thinking about
me once in a while
that you put into
trying to catch me,
you'd avoid the kind of humiliation
you're feeling right now.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Well, I'm gonna
get back to work.
I have my evaluation at 5:00.
That's today? Yeah.
Hey, good luck.
So I'm looking over the supply
orders for the past year,
and I'm noticing that your
invoices are pretty high.
Oh, well, what can I tell ya?
Highliters, post-its,
they're my weakness.
I buy extras so
we don't run out.
I see you haven't taken any of
the legal research seminars
that the firm offers
on Saturday mornings.
Well, no. I have not done that.
Hello?
Could you hold on a second?
It's your husband.
Could you tell him
I'll call him back?
I'm sorry. She'll have
to call you back.
He says he really
needs to talk to you.
Thanks.
Hello? What's going on, Doug?
Doug, sing-song: I'm
thinking of you.
OK, thank you.
Gotta run.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Look, I just wanna say I'm
sorry about everything before,
and I know you're gonna do
great on your evaluation.
Hey, if you get nervous,
just picture the guy dressed
up like a big baby.
Actually, um, hon,
I'm in my evaluation right now.
Oh, OK, well, I'll let ya go.
Knock 'em dead and remember,
I'm thinking of you.
Doug?
Carrie!
Carrie!
Carrie: Coming!
This thing's giving me wet heat.
The doctor said I'm
supposed to have dry heat.
It is dry heat.
You're sitting on a juice box.
Ow.
Honey, why are you still
trying to have this party?
I mean, you were
in a car accident.
Why don't you just call
the guys and cancel?
I can't. Then they'll
all go to Barry's.
So?
So he hosts one
successful party,
I'm out of the picture for good.
The I.P.S. party scene
is very cutthroat.
Look, just help me out here, OK?
You're doing a beautiful job.
Fine. Fine.
Oh, oh.
What?
Nothing. It's just that those
Doritos, they're cool ranch.
And?
And you already put
out nacho cheese.
Well, remember? I feature a
different chip every quarter.
We went over this.
You know what? Don't worry about it.
It's fine, it's fine.
That's right. It is fine.
All right, so, I
got everything...
The chips, the ice,
the sandwiches, the subs.
Anything else?
Nope. Everything
else looks great.
Now just zip the big
screen on in here,
and we're good to go.
What? By myself?
The thing weighs,
like, 1,000 pounds.
It's on wheels. It's like
pushing a shopping cart.
Doug, you have a bunch of
guys coming over here,
one of whom is Lou Ferrigno,
the world's strongest man.
Excuse me. Being
strong is his job.
You don't ask a heart surgeon
to open you up on his day off.
Doug: What's happening?
It's stuck. It's too heavy.
You know what? You're not
gonna move it like that.
You gotta get lower.
You gotta push with your legs.
Well, hello.
I see somebody wore their
lucky Super Bowl thong.
All right, you know what'd
help me move this TV?
If you would shut
your Doritos chute.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Not sure why I'm catching
so much attitude.
Remember, I only hurt my back
'cause I called to say
I was thinking of you.
And once again, very sweet,
but here's a little tip.
Next time you think
of me, pull over.
Oh! Are you trying to say
all this is my fault?
Oh, so sorry I was
trying to put you
in a good place for
your evaluation.
Oh, yeah. Really put
me in a good place
when I heard the
crunching of metal
and the phone going dead.
Really, really
took the edge off.
None of this would have
happened in the first place
if you hadn't freaked out
'cause I don't think
about you 24-7.
Oh, OK. I'm sorry.
In the future, I'll
just go to Lou Ferrigno
for all my emotional needs.
Oh, you just love your
Lou Ferrigno, don't ya?
You know what? Maybe
when he comes over,
you guys can go off alone
and hold each other.
"Oh, how was your day?"
"How was your day?"
"They were mean to me at work."
"Somebody dropped a
dumbbell on my toe."
OK, that's it. Have a great party.
Good-bye.
Wait, Car! Where ya going?!
What about my TV?!
Ow.
Aah!
Oh, my...
Ohh!
Ohh!
All right.
Oh, my God.
Ohh.
Oh, God.
Augh.
You didn't unplug it!
What just happened?
Well, the gray team
intercepted the ball
from the slightly
less gray team.
Come on. It's black and white.
We're kickin' it old school.
Oh, and by the way, guys,
we're 3 minutes away from
a new chip coming out.
Chip change! Chip change!
Nice haunted house, man.
I walk in, and my
kids are playing
with jumper cables and an
open can of turpentine.
I gotta tell ya, sounds
pretty scary to me.
Yeah. I'm going to Barry's.
Oh, Deac, come on, man.
Whoo, I thought he'd
never leave, huh?
I mean, who brings kids
to a Super Bowl party?
Loser!
You know, if we leave now,
we can get to Barry's
by the second quarter.
Let's go.
We're going to Barry's.
Oh, oh, come on!
See ya later, Doug.
All right, fine. Leave,
but know this. You walk out now,
it's a lifetime ban, my friends,
and that includes my
Stanley Cup sleep-over.
Just go!
Are you sure?
Yes.
Feel better, buddy.
Oh, by the way, how did
Carrie's evaluation go?
It was fine.
I'm glad.
Hey, where did everybody go?
They left.
If I could walk, I'd
go to Barry's, too.
Oh, they didn't stay long.
They weren't shy about
eating, though.
Oh, man, they ate all
the mini eggrolls.
Actually, there are 3 left.
I know you like 'em, so I...
put 'em aside for you.
You did? That was sweet.
Where are they?
I got 'em right here.
I've been keeping 'em...
I've been keeping 'em warm next
to my body like a mother hen.
Dipping sauce.
You did save these
for me, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I mean, I put 3 aside 'cause
I couldn't quite remember
exactly how many
you like to eat,
whether it was 3 or one.
I'm gonna get a drink.
Wait, don't bother.
Here ya go.
Hey, man. Ready to go to lunch?
Yeah, just give me a second.
I'm trying to set aside
a little time every day
to think about Carrie.
And you can't do
that in the truck?
Just give me a sec.
Willie Nelson: ♪ You
were always on my mind
♪ You were always on my mind ♪
♪ You were always on my mind ♪
♪ You were always on my mind ♪
Hey, Carrie.
Everything OK? You
seem a little down.
Oh. Ah, it's just this,
uh, thing at work.
They brought in some consultant
to evaluate all of us.
I get my pounding tomorrow.
I bet you're gonna do great.
Ohh. That's sweet.
Thanks, Lou.
Hey, babe.
Hey. Come here,
come here, quick.
Pick a card. Come on.
Oh, no. Come on, honey.
I'm not in the mood.
Not in the mood?
You sure you wanna
use that one up on a card trick?
Fine.
Aren't the cards supposed
to be facing down?
Why, the little lady's right,
so let's turn 'em over.
Oh! Who is this?
That's you.
Nope. It's 52 of me.
I made 'em up special for my Super
Bowl party. Aren't they great?
Mm-hmm.
Hey, look what happens when
you flip through them.
I don't move, just
like real life.
Oh, please don't tell
me we're out of Advil.
Yeah, I think we are. Why?
What's the matter with you?
I'm getting a migraine.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, it's this
freakin' evaluation
at work tomorrow.
You know, I'm gonna go
upstairs and lay down.
Could you do me a favor and
bring me that heat wrap?
You have to put it in the
microwave for, like, 3 minutes.
Yes. I was gonna nuke
myself a hot pocket,
but you go right to
the head of the line.
Oh, uh, quick question
vis-à-vis my Super Bowl blowout.
No, honey. I can't focus
on that right now...
But just real quick.
Since the living room
TV is being fixed,
can I bring the big screen
in from the garage?
Doug! I'm sorry.
You head on up.
I'll see you in 3.
OK. Thanks.
Heh.
Huh.
Doug?
Shh!
What are you doing?!
Oh, I... I guess it needs
another couple minutes.
Gentlemen, a little Super
Bowl party update.
I'll be introducing a few
new recipes this year.
Let's just say I found a way
that guacamole can
get you drunk.
Talkin' about a guaca-tini!
Hello?
Cool.
Is there some sort
of problem, or...
Well, thing is,
Barry, the new guy from
the loading dock...
he's having a Super
Bowl party, too.
Barry, from the loading dock?
He's a good guy.
Yeah, he's a good guy who
looks over at me when I pee.
Well, maybe he's, uh,
never seen someone pee
while eating a sandwich.
Come on, the Super Bowl
party is my thing.
Hey, who else offers you a
different theme every year, huh?
Well, yeah, yeah.
Last year it was, uh,
bring your own meat,
bread, and chair.
And then there was the year
you hired the stripper.
He was great.
How was I supposed to know?
His name was Sandy.
You know what? You guys
are just threatened
by a man who's comfortable
with his body.
Whatever.
Come on, it's gonna
be great this year.
Any other issues?
You never offer any
healthy alternatives.
What's with you people?
Deac, will you tell these idiots
they're coming to my
Super Bowl party?
Yeah, um... about that...
You're bailing?!
Well, I got my
kids this weekend.
So?
So, Barry's gonna
have a petting zoo.
A petting zoo. Oh, that's
a great idea, yeah.
I hope you like cutting
your kid's finger
out of a llama's belly.
And it's just one game.
I mean, don't we watch
enough sports together?
The Super Bowl party is
my annual thing, man.
It's tradition!
Guy, you've had it like
3 of the last 8 years.
OK, so I haven't
had it every year,
but I've had it more
often than not.
No, it's less often than not.
Look, I'll tell you what. If
you can get something together
that's halfway entertaining for
my kids, then I'll show up.
Thank you. And I expect the same
from all of you, understand?
Could you at least pick
up a fruit platter?
All right, you're
out of control.
Hey, Lou.
Hey, Carrie.
Oh, hey. How was
your evaluation?
Oh, uh, it actually got
postponed to tomorrow,
but that was so sweet
of you to ask.
No problem.
Hey, babe.
Hey.
How was your day?
It was good.
Yeah, my day was
pretty crazy, too.
Yeah. So, got a
little dilemma here.
I'm looking for the perfect
mozzarella stick for my party.
Problem is, I like the
cheese from Fanelli's,
but the breading
from Sorisi's Pizza.
Well, the important
thing is not to panic.
Wait, it gets worse.
Best marinara dipping sauce?
Cooper's.
It's crazy.
OK, well, good luck with that.
Guess I'll go start dinner,
unless you had anything
else you wanna say
about your day or... mine.
No.
I'm sorry. You want
a cheese stick?
No.
By the way, if you're wondering
how my evaluation
went today at work,
you can just go next door
and ask Lou Ferrigno.
You know what?
I was just gonna ask
you about that.
Oh, yeah? When?
After you work through your
big dipping sauce crisis?
OK, I forgot. OK? I'm sorry.
Oh, that's funny because Lou
Ferrigno didn't forget.
Apparently he cares
more about me
than my own husband does.
Good to know.
Oh, come on. Lou... He has to be nice.
He's a giant.
If he wasn't nice,
he'd have villagers coming
after him with torches.
Oh, please.
Just tell me how it went.
It got postponed.
Postponed? Then why are
you yelling at me?
Because you didn't know that.
Yeah, but I sensed it.
You and I, we have
an unspoken bond.
It's like we don't even have to ask.
We just know.
We're like twins.
Yeah. We're like twins.
We should switch clothes
and try to fool people.
OK, it slipped my mind. It
happened this one time.
This one time? OK,
how about last night
when it just slipped your
mind that I was upstairs
with one of the worst headaches
I've had in my life,
and you're down here
building a house of cards.
Yeah, if you want to bring
up ancient history.
The point is...
I love you. Come here.
Oh, please, please.
I think you're blowing this
way out of proportion here!
I don't think I am, Doug. Uh,
let me ask you a question.
Do you think about me,
you know, throughout your
day, when we're not together?
Do you think about me at all?
Of course I do.
Yeah? Like when? What
are your thoughts?
That...
you're... pretty.
Oh, OK, and I guess all you
do is sit around all day
just thinking about me.
No, I don't sit around all day
thinking about you, Doug,
but I do think about you a lot.
Oh, yeah? OK, well, give me an
example of one of these times
when you're thinking of me.
Go ahead. Take all the
time you need, Toots.
OK. Well, you know how
you've been having
all these dentist appointments
for your impacted molars?
Yeah. What about them?
OK, well,
when I know you're
sitting in that chair,
I am thinking of you because
I know you're nervous,
and I am hoping that you are OK.
Like you have one at
2:00 tomorrow, right?
I will be sitting at my
desk thinking about you
because you're my
husband and I love you.
That's the best you got?
Hey.
Hey.
All right, so talk to me about
this Super Bowl party, Doug.
Huh? Oh, it's, uh, it's
coming right along.
Really? 'Cause Barry
just announced
he's getting a Ben
and Jerry's cart,
and my kids got wind of it.
You know what I think? I think
Barry's trying a little too hard
to get children to
come to his house.
Just tell me what you
got planned, all right?
Well, unlike Barry,
I don't need to showboat, OK?
Let's just say it's
gonna be pretty sweet.
Ooh, yeah.
I knew it. You got nothing.
You know what? We're
going to Barry's party.
OK, you wanna know what we got?
We got a haunted
house in the garage.
There. Way to ruin the surprise.
A haunted house?
Yeah, a haunted house,
with skeletons and a...
A bowl full of eyeballs.
Very scary stuff.
If I were you, I'd pack
'em extra underoos.
All right, I guess we'll come.
OK, are we done talking about
your precious offspring?
'Cause, believe it or not, I actually
have other things on my mind.
Oh, yeah? Like what?
Last night, Carrie and
I had this big fight
about how I forgot
to ask her about
her evaluation at work,
and how she's always
thinking about what's
going on in my life.
She told you that?
Yeah. Like when I'm
at the dentist,
she said she's feeling
all bad for me.
Sucker.
What do you mean?
Women love to talk about how
much they think about you.
It's a big scam. You know what
they're really thinking about?
What? Chick crap.
You know, throw
pillows and lotions
and private schools
and Lenny Kravitz
and fat-free sour cream.
But not you, babe. Oh, no.
All right. How much should I
discount what you're saying
because you're coming off
a very bitter divorce?
20%.
OK.
You know what? You
still make a point.
Where you going?
We'll just see how much
she thinks about me.
Woman: You're kidding me.
Carrie: No.
Ugh, he couldn't be grosser.
Oh, I know. I know.
Then I'm desperately
trying to get away.
Doug: Well, well, well.
Excuse me one second.
Doug, what are you doing here?
Well, I just thought I'd
pay you a little visit
at 2:00 when I'm
supposed to be having
my dentist appointment.
What? Yeah, you know,
when you said you were
gonna be thinking of me.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I guess laughing it up
with your little pajama party
is how you feel my pain.
How touching.
OK, let me get this straight.
You actually came down here
to catch me not thinking of you?
That's right.
What about your
dentist appointment?
I canceled it.
Good plan, Doug.
Let another day's worth of
food get stuck in there
because I can't get
enough of watching you
work that thing
with your tongue.
Ah, you know what?
Don't try to make this
about my mouth, OK?
This is about the fact that you
are no better than I am, sister.
You know what you are?
You're a hypocrite.
Hypocrite? Pretty
big word there.
Yeah, I checked it. It's right.
All right, Doug. You know what?
OK, you caught me.
You caught me.
At exactly 2:00, no, I was
not thinking about you.
Hmm!
But at my lunch hour,
I did go and get you
the Jackie Chan movie
you've been wanting to see
because I knew you'd need
a little pick-me-up.
Shanghai Noon. Mm-hmm.
He's in the old
west in this one.
And then I went by that deli
and got you that
soup that you like
because I knew your
mouth would hurt.
If you don't believe me, it's
in the refrigerator over there.
No, I... I believe you.
Yeah, you know what, Doug?
If you put this much energy
into thinking about
me once in a while
that you put into
trying to catch me,
you'd avoid the kind of humiliation
you're feeling right now.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Well, I'm gonna
get back to work.
I have my evaluation at 5:00.
That's today? Yeah.
Hey, good luck.
So I'm looking over the supply
orders for the past year,
and I'm noticing that your
invoices are pretty high.
Oh, well, what can I tell ya?
Highliters, post-its,
they're my weakness.
I buy extras so
we don't run out.
I see you haven't taken any of
the legal research seminars
that the firm offers
on Saturday mornings.
Well, no. I have not done that.
Hello?
Could you hold on a second?
It's your husband.
Could you tell him
I'll call him back?
I'm sorry. She'll have
to call you back.
He says he really
needs to talk to you.
Thanks.
Hello? What's going on, Doug?
Doug, sing-song: I'm
thinking of you.
OK, thank you.
Gotta run.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Look, I just wanna say I'm
sorry about everything before,
and I know you're gonna do
great on your evaluation.
Hey, if you get nervous,
just picture the guy dressed
up like a big baby.
Actually, um, hon,
I'm in my evaluation right now.
Oh, OK, well, I'll let ya go.
Knock 'em dead and remember,
I'm thinking of you.
Doug?
Carrie!
Carrie!
Carrie: Coming!
This thing's giving me wet heat.
The doctor said I'm
supposed to have dry heat.
It is dry heat.
You're sitting on a juice box.
Ow.
Honey, why are you still
trying to have this party?
I mean, you were
in a car accident.
Why don't you just call
the guys and cancel?
I can't. Then they'll
all go to Barry's.
So?
So he hosts one
successful party,
I'm out of the picture for good.
The I.P.S. party scene
is very cutthroat.
Look, just help me out here, OK?
You're doing a beautiful job.
Fine. Fine.
Oh, oh.
What?
Nothing. It's just that those
Doritos, they're cool ranch.
And?
And you already put
out nacho cheese.
Well, remember? I feature a
different chip every quarter.
We went over this.
You know what? Don't worry about it.
It's fine, it's fine.
That's right. It is fine.
All right, so, I
got everything...
The chips, the ice,
the sandwiches, the subs.
Anything else?
Nope. Everything
else looks great.
Now just zip the big
screen on in here,
and we're good to go.
What? By myself?
The thing weighs,
like, 1,000 pounds.
It's on wheels. It's like
pushing a shopping cart.
Doug, you have a bunch of
guys coming over here,
one of whom is Lou Ferrigno,
the world's strongest man.
Excuse me. Being
strong is his job.
You don't ask a heart surgeon
to open you up on his day off.
Doug: What's happening?
It's stuck. It's too heavy.
You know what? You're not
gonna move it like that.
You gotta get lower.
You gotta push with your legs.
Well, hello.
I see somebody wore their
lucky Super Bowl thong.
All right, you know what'd
help me move this TV?
If you would shut
your Doritos chute.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Not sure why I'm catching
so much attitude.
Remember, I only hurt my back
'cause I called to say
I was thinking of you.
And once again, very sweet,
but here's a little tip.
Next time you think
of me, pull over.
Oh! Are you trying to say
all this is my fault?
Oh, so sorry I was
trying to put you
in a good place for
your evaluation.
Oh, yeah. Really put
me in a good place
when I heard the
crunching of metal
and the phone going dead.
Really, really
took the edge off.
None of this would have
happened in the first place
if you hadn't freaked out
'cause I don't think
about you 24-7.
Oh, OK. I'm sorry.
In the future, I'll
just go to Lou Ferrigno
for all my emotional needs.
Oh, you just love your
Lou Ferrigno, don't ya?
You know what? Maybe
when he comes over,
you guys can go off alone
and hold each other.
"Oh, how was your day?"
"How was your day?"
"They were mean to me at work."
"Somebody dropped a
dumbbell on my toe."
OK, that's it. Have a great party.
Good-bye.
Wait, Car! Where ya going?!
What about my TV?!
Ow.
Aah!
Oh, my...
Ohh!
Ohh!
All right.
Oh, my God.
Ohh.
Oh, God.
Augh.
You didn't unplug it!
What just happened?
Well, the gray team
intercepted the ball
from the slightly
less gray team.
Come on. It's black and white.
We're kickin' it old school.
Oh, and by the way, guys,
we're 3 minutes away from
a new chip coming out.
Chip change! Chip change!
Nice haunted house, man.
I walk in, and my
kids are playing
with jumper cables and an
open can of turpentine.
I gotta tell ya, sounds
pretty scary to me.
Yeah. I'm going to Barry's.
Oh, Deac, come on, man.
Whoo, I thought he'd
never leave, huh?
I mean, who brings kids
to a Super Bowl party?
Loser!
You know, if we leave now,
we can get to Barry's
by the second quarter.
Let's go.
We're going to Barry's.
Oh, oh, come on!
See ya later, Doug.
All right, fine. Leave,
but know this. You walk out now,
it's a lifetime ban, my friends,
and that includes my
Stanley Cup sleep-over.
Just go!
Are you sure?
Yes.
Feel better, buddy.
Oh, by the way, how did
Carrie's evaluation go?
It was fine.
I'm glad.
Hey, where did everybody go?
They left.
If I could walk, I'd
go to Barry's, too.
Oh, they didn't stay long.
They weren't shy about
eating, though.
Oh, man, they ate all
the mini eggrolls.
Actually, there are 3 left.
I know you like 'em, so I...
put 'em aside for you.
You did? That was sweet.
Where are they?
I got 'em right here.
I've been keeping 'em...
I've been keeping 'em warm next
to my body like a mother hen.
Dipping sauce.
You did save these
for me, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I mean, I put 3 aside 'cause
I couldn't quite remember
exactly how many
you like to eat,
whether it was 3 or one.
I'm gonna get a drink.
Wait, don't bother.
Here ya go.
Hey, man. Ready to go to lunch?
Yeah, just give me a second.
I'm trying to set aside
a little time every day
to think about Carrie.
And you can't do
that in the truck?
Just give me a sec.
Willie Nelson: ♪ You
were always on my mind
♪ You were always on my mind ♪
♪ You were always on my mind ♪
♪ You were always on my mind ♪