The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 14 - Prints Charming - full transcript

OK, that's it.

I get to pick the next 5 movies.

What? It was great!

Yeah, a kid gets sliced in half

by a surfboard.

There's a feel-good moment.

It was called Slaughter Beach.

What were you expecting?

Come on, you gotta admit

that killer was pretty
freakin' scary, huh?

Surf's up.



Don't do that!

Why? Does it freak you out

when I say Surf's up?

Stop it! Stop what?

That voice!

What voice? This is
just the way I talk.

Would you like an
English muffin?

Come on! I mean it, stop it!

You know these movies
give me nightmares.

Here, take the garbage out.

Fine.

Hello?

Doug, Lowering Voice: Surf's up.

It's a shame you had to
leave the beach so early.



You were with the boy
who played guitar.

Well, he don't sing no more.

Carrie? Hello?

All right, toothpaste,
razor blades, Kleenex.

Do we need anything else?

Yeah, I'm getting this.

A ball?

Yeah, I'm getting a ball.

All right, put it back.

I'm not putting it back.

What do you need a ball for?

For bouncing.

All right, come on. Put it back.
Stop it.

Put it back! Fine.

If I'm not allowed
to get a ball,

then you're not
allowed to get...

your tampons. Yeah!

Yeah.

Bye-bye, "Sure and
Natural for light days."

All right, give it to me.
Don't be an idiot.

All right, let me just pick up
our pictures and we can go.

So, it's Saturday night.
What are we gonna do?

You wanna go to a movie?

Eh, I don't wanna
deal with parking.

You wanna rent?

Then you gotta make
the 2 trips...

One to rent and one to return.

It never ends.

Hi. I dropped off some
film the other day.

Heffernan?

Let me take a look.

Yeah, here they are, right here.

I can ring the rest of that
stuff up for you here, too.

Oh. Great. Thank you.

We don't have to wait in
that line up front? No.

I mean, you'd ring us up

even if we weren't
getting pictures?

Yeah.

That is a hot little
secret, my friend.

That everything?

Oh, I just have to pick up

my dad's heart medicine.
I'll be right back.

And I can't get a ball.

All right, what do we got here?

You barbecuing.

Our fender when we got hit.

Oh!

This is when you made me
take that picture of you

in front of that
place, Doug's Diner,

'cause it was kind of
like it was your diner.

Oh, yeah.

Doug's Diner.

Oh, look, my cousin Becky.

OK, general rule:
If I'm not in it,

don't need to see it.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Dad.

I don't know, where are you?

I'm right here.

Welcome to the future, kids.
I am now the proud owner

of a cellular telephone.

Oh. Good for you, Dad.

I was in the mall this evening,

I saw a booth, and
I couldn't resist.

This little phone is
gonna set me free.

I could have a business
meeting from the beach.

Yeah, if you had a business

or a way to get to the beach.

Anyway, if you need to reach me,

my number: 555-LOGS.

Logs? Yes.

It's a phone number and a word.

Marvelous!

I'm guessing they
didn't have 555-NUTBAG.

All right, let's see what's
in the second packet here.

Wait a minute. What?

I think we got someone
else's pictures.

Yeah, it says "Hofferman" here,

not "Heffernan."

We got someone else's pictures?

Yeah, I guess so.

Great, let me see 'em.

Doug!

You can't look at
somebody else's pictures!

That's wrong!

Oh, is it wrong to look at
other people's pictures?

Give!

All right, well, then slow down.

Slow down.

Nice-looking couple.

Mid-thirties, well-dressed.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Hofferman.

Or maybe Dr. And Mrs. Hofferman.

Or maybe Mr. And Dr. Hofferman.

Yeah, like she's a
doctor and he's not.

Like that happens ever.

Oh, look.

They ran that 10k
in Corona Park.

And here they are scuba-diving.

Man, these people
really get out, huh?

Here they are hiking.

Geez, this guy is playing guitar

on top of a mountain!

Are you gettin'
what I'm gettin'?

Uh, he no-likey girls so much?

No!

These people are amazing!

I mean, look at their
pictures compared to ours!

That's not a fair comparison.

They're doctors!

Doug, they run, they...
they hike,

they scuba-dive.

I mean, I can't even
find one of us here

where we're even standing up!

Come on. Whatever.

No, I'm serious.
I mean, we suck!

It is Saturday night,
and what have we done?

We went to a drugstore,

and now we're lying
around eating pizza,

even too lame to rent a movie.

I mean, we should be
out there doing stuff!

If you'll recall,

I wanted to buy a ball and
someone wouldn't let me.

Doug, come on!

I mean, we're letting
our lives go by.

We should be scuba-diving.

Uh-boy.

Come on, you said you
wanted to learn to scuba.

When?! When we were dating.

Of course I said it
when we were dating!

I was trying to make you
think I went outside!

All right, well, I still think

we need to live a
little bit more.

All because of these people?

Carrie, we don't even
know who they are!

They could be ax-murderers!

At least that's an activity!

Fine! We'll be ax-murderers.

Can we start with 555-LOGS-ie?

Hey, man.

Carrie's making us
go scuba-diving.

You and me?

No, me and her.

She wants us to be more active.

Can you picture
me in a wet suit?

Ooh, yeah, I just did,

and it wasn't zipped up.

OK, why wasn't it zipped up?

I don't know. It just popped
into my head unzipped.

I'm no happier about
this than you are.

Oh, this is brutal.

I gotta figure out some way
to get her off of scuba.

I gotta come up with something

that'll make her think
we're being active,

but in reality is very easy.

You got anything?

What about tennis?

OK, uh... archery.

Already look enough like Cupid.

Don't need the bow and arrow.

Hold on.

Hello?

Arthur: Deacon, it's Arthur.

I've recently purchased
a cellular telephone,

and I wanted to update

my contact information
so I could be reached

at any time, day or night.

My new number is 555-LOGS.

I look forward to
hearing from you soon.

Who is this again?

Instructor: So, just to get the
feel of breathing underwater,

I'm gonna ask you to put your
regulator in your mouth,

let the air out of your B.C.,

and float gently
down to the bottom.

Take a couple of
breaths down there,

and then just come right back up.
OK?

You three first.

He loves the water.

Hon?

Thank you very much.

Arthur, I hate leaving you here.

Are you sure you don't
want to finish our walk?

Absolutely. I've got
my caramel coffee,

my cell phone,

I'm part of the modern world,

and I'm loving it!

OK, well, I'll see you later.

Have a nice afternoon. If you
need to reach me, I'm at...

555-LOGS. Yeah, I know.

Would you like to hear
my humorous ring again?

Oh, no, thanks.

Didn't you like it?

It's the theme from
the movie Arthur.

Which is funny 'cause
you're Arthur.

That's right. Yeah, it's just...

most people don't
have the whole song.

Anyway, I gotta go.

I'll see you Tuesday.

Hey. Nothing.

Sitting in Starbucks.

Actually, I already saw that.
It's awful.

I got one, too.

Hello? Oh, hey.

Yeah, I was just wondering

if you wanna get
manicures later.

Hi. Um...

do you have anything for
when you're scuba-diving

and you panic and you drag a
kid under the water, and...

and he bites you?

Uh, I'm not sure.

Anything like "Bite Be Gone"

or "Boy-bite Be Gone"?

You could try this.

Oh, great. Thank you.

So you used a child as
your flotation device?

Classy move.

This is all Carrie's fault, OK?

And she's not letting
go of this, either.

Last night I heard her
talking about hang gliding.

Yeah, I'm the guy you want
dangling over a little town.

Ugh, this is ridiculous.

I mean, we get one roll
of strangers' pictures,

and all of a sudden, she
wants us to be them.

I'm sure their lives aren't
like that all the time.

What do you mean?

I mean, I'm sure if you saw
their next roll of pictures,

they'd be watching TV
in their underwear

just like the rest of us.

You know what? You're right.

Where you going?

I'm gonna see if the Hoffermans
have any more pictures here.

You can't steal these
people's pictures again.

Hey, we returned the last pack

and everything worked out fine.

Now, make yourself useful and...

create a distraction.

Fine.

I'll go walk by the watches.

Hi. Uh...

just wanted to check to see
if I had any pictures ready.

What's the name?

Uh, it's, uh...

Heoffrmnmm.

What was that? Hoeoffernmn.

I'm sorry. One more time?

Hofferman, OK? I'm Mr.
Hofferman.

Might be under Dr. Hofferman.

They're right here.
Great, thank you.

Deacon: Hey, you got 'em?

Yup, let's see what the
Hoffermans are up to this week.

Whoa. What?

Hoffernipple.

Hey, sweet thang!
What's going on?

Well, I'm guessing you're not up

for a second try at scuba,

so I'm looking into
a few hiking trails

I think you can handle.

Great. Bring it on.

Really?

I was expecting you
to cry or run at me.

What? No! You know,
I've been thinking

about these Hofferman
folks, and you're right.

They do know a little
something about living life.

Really?

Well, I am glad
you feel that way

because I was looking at
their pictures again...

What?

I thought you returned those.

I kept the doubles.

But, look, I didn't see
this the first time.

They have a dog!

Let's get a dog.

Sure, sure, we could get a dog.
Yeah?

And here's a few other
things we can do.

What's that?

The next set of
Hofferman pictures.

Oh, my God, you stole 'em?

Get 'em out! Get 'em out!

OK, all right.

This one here,
that's my favorite.

She's making him a waffle.

No, she's making him a
waffle in lacy lingerie.

So what are you saying?
You want me to do this?

This and...

this.

And a little of this...

and assuming we can find
the right kind of chair,

this.

Good God!

I'm not doing any
of those things!

But Mrs. Hofferman did.

Yeah, well, I'm not a ho.

And I'm not a scuba-diver,

but guess what we did
last Saturday, sister?

Yeah. Get some rest.

Yeah, hi. I told you
to sell those shares.

I don't want to hold onto them.

You're kidding?!

Hey, Mom.

Yeah, I'm off today.

Actually, the show started.

Girl: Did you download
their new song?

You're welcome.

No deal. Can you wait for me?

Aaaaah!

All right, you're a dirty batter girl.
Gimme the look!

OK, that's angry batter girl.

OK, could you just take
the picture, please?

Thank you. OK.

Now, pick up a piece of bacon.

All right.

Slap it! Slap it around!

Doug, come on!

There you go.

All right, food's all cooking.

What's next?

Uh, I'm not really sure.

We can do the sex,
then the waffles,

or the waffles, then the sex.
What do you think?

I don't know, honey. This
is kind of your baby.

OK, then I choose
sex, then waffles!

Gotta admit, thought you
were gonna go the other way.

I did. All right!

Let's get cracking. OK.

Get in here. All right.

Aah! Bacon grease!

What are you doing?!

I was trying to unplug
the waffle iron.

What are you worrying
about that now for?!

This is the sex part!

You worry about that
during the waffle part!

I am sorry. It's hard to focus

with a piercing whistle in my ear.
This...

This whole thing is ridiculous.

You know, let's just forget it.
Thanks for nothing.

I told you this was
a stupid idea.

Yeah, well, Mrs. Hofferman
didn't think it was so stupid.

You don't see her freaking
out over the waffle iron.

Oh, my God. You are
not getting on me

about this, are you?

Oh, OK, all right. Who's this?

Uhh! Uhh! I'm gonna die!

I'm in 4 feet of water!

Well, excuse me for not knowing

how to breathe underwater!

I'm not a walrus. Shuttie.

OK, you know what else you
don't know how to do?

Keep a room nice. I
mean, look at this.

Mr. Hofferman doesn't throw his
clothes all over the floor.

No gum wrappers on the dresser.

That's maybe 'cause Mrs.
Hofferman

lets him go to the Knick
game with his buddies.

Well, why wouldn't she when
he buys her roses like these?

When was the last time
you bought me roses?

Well, maybe I would
if you would...

And we're back to
the chair thing.

All right, you know what?

Why don't you just find Mrs.
Hofferman

and have waffle sex with her?

Why don't you find Mr. Hofferman

and go scuba-diving with him?

I bet you his guitar sounds

even fruitier underwater!

The fruitiest thing I've
ever seen underwater

is you, my friend!

Look, what are we doing here?

I don't know.

The Hoffermans...

they're destroying us.

I know.

Look, we gotta stop trying
to be the Hoffermans.

I mean, we're the Heffernans.

It's like the Hoffermans,
only slightly worse.

And that's OK.

Exactly.

555-LOGS!

I don't know, part
of me really wants

to try out to be on Survivor,

but another part of me is like,

do I really want to expose
myself in that way, you know?

Excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Gilgore.

Uh-huh. Sure, sure.

Yeah, hold on for one second.

Cupcake, it's your mommy.

She's on the phone.
She misses you

and wants to say hello.

Oh, for God's sake.

How dare you get a
cell phone call!

You're a dog, Cupcake!

A dog!

You wipe that smug
look off your face

or I'll do it for you.

Arthur, maybe we should just...

Give me that!

Do you understand that there are

human beings out there
who need love?!

Think about it.

I curse the day I ever
bought this thing.

Uhh!

Um, that was mine.

So this is how we spend
our Saturday nights.

This is great.

We love each other, and
we love the drugstore.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm getting a ball this time.

You can't stop me.

Where are you going?

Nowhere.

I just want to see
if the Hoffermans

have any more pictures.

Carrie, let it go.

We don't care, remember?

I know, I know. I just...

I just want to see their
dog one last time.

Clerk: May I help you?

Yes, I was wondering if
our pictures are ready?

The name's Hofferman.

Hi.

Hi. Hello.

Would you look at them?

OK, I admit they're magnificent.

But think of it this way,

they're here in a drugstore

on a Saturday night, too.

They're no better than us.

You're right. You're right.

Anything else?

Yeah, the suntan lotion.

Going somewhere good?

Mr. Hofferman: Actually, yes.

We're leaving tomorrow for
the Galápagos Islands

to do some research
for our book.

Damn it!

Why did we have to get their
pictures in the first place?

There's gotta be
one couple in here

that'll make us seem good.

Aha.

The "Sosdorffs." Yeah.

Let's see what you got.

Wow, nice sailboat.

Come on, help me.

Oh, man, this couple
knows Halle Berry!

Dump the bin! Dump the bin!