The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 8 - Flash Photography - full transcript
Out of boredom Doug makes a very waggish picture of himself at a wedding, and he lets Danny take the blame.
Hey, honey.
Hey, what do you got? What do you got?
What do you got?
Hang on. You got my arm in there.
Hang on!
Would you relax?
I'm sorry. I get excited
when the grocery bags arrive.
It's like Christmas, only...
I don't have to
get you anything.
Yeah, well, there's a
box of Tide in the car.
Can you go get that?
Not unless it's cherry flavored.
Oh, here it is,
underneath the broccoli.
Cool Ranch Doritos.
"Now zestier."
I'm glad they warned me.
Honey, honey...
Honey, wait. Why don't
you just try an apple?
Oh, come on, all right?
You buy 'em, they sit
there, you throw 'em out.
Let's stop the dance.
Come on. You know how
you're always telling me
you can't breathe and
your heart feels bad?
This can help.
All right, fine. I don't care...
Is that a whole salami?
Focus... Focus, Doug.
Focus.
All right. All right.
What's the big deal?
It doesn't matter.
Not bad.
See? What did I tell you?
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
I ate the sticker!
This is why I don't eat apples!
What's goin' on?
And the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
It has been...
since my last confession.
I'm sorry, how long?
14 years.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. You
know, I was gonna
come in sooner, but I just...
I figured you were a
very busy guy, and...
all I had was repeat
offenses, and...
I just... I wanted to wait
until I had something
that really... would
blow your collar off.
And do you?
Oh, yeah.
Carrie: You almost
ready there, chief?
Just about.
Is that how you're
gonna wear your tie?
It took me, like, 30 tries.
It looks fine.
It looks fine if
you're Oliver Hardy.
Fix it, OK?
And button up your
shirt all the way.
Have you met my neck?
Well, listen... I want you to act
like a grown-up tonight, OK?
Yeah, yeah.
That means none of
your funny noises
during the ceremony.
Hey, if somebody bends
over during a quiet patch,
it's open season.
Doug, I'm serious.
This wedding is special to me.
Special. Please.
It is!
I set Jake and Samantha up.
I mean, I saw these two people,
I knew they would be perfect
for each other, and they were.
They're soul mates.
Get ahold of
yourself, would you?
I mean, you set her
up with 26 guys,
you finally found one who didn't try
to push her out of his moving car.
It wasn't that many guys.
Are you kidding me? There
was Steve, my cousin Danny,
the guy you met online
at Waldbaum's...
All right, so it took a while.
She's my friend. I wanted to make
sure she found somebody great.
You always say how
annoying she is.
Exactly. She's my
annoying friend.
OK? You have a
garage full of them.
Hopefully now she'll spend less
time being my annoying friend
and more time being
his annoying wife.
OK, how about this? No tie,
unbuttoned down to here
like a Bee Gee.
Nancy Wilson: ♪ The
best is yet to come
♪ And, babe, won't it be fine? ♪
♪ The best is yet to come
♪ On the day you're mine ♪
♪ Come the day you're mine... ♪
What could be better
than dancing with
my handsome son?
OK. Keep the hands
10:00 and 2:00, Mom.
That's it.
All right, folks, let's get
this party started, now.
Who wants to shake
their groove thang?
Whoo!
Come on, Dougie!
Uh... I think I left my
groove thang on the table,
and I'm pretty sure
you don't have one,
so I...
Aw, come on,
don't be such a negative Nelly.
Uh, Spence, my mom wants
to dance with you.
Oh, sweet!
Say cheese!
Cut it out.
Ooh, that's a good one.
What's goin' on?
They put all these disposable
cameras on the tables
for us to take pictures.
Say, "I was dumped
by the bride."
Shut up!
I loved her.
Guy, you went out with
her for, like, a month.
You don't know what we had!
That's the money shot.
Hour 4 of wedding.
Kill me.
Help me out here and wing those
candies at him. Come on.
OK.
Doug. Doug.
Why are you throwing
candy at his head?
It's a wedding.
Hey, guys!
We're married!
Yes, you are!
You guys having fun?
Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.
You know what? I almost wore
that exact same dress tonight.
How awkward would
that have been?
Awkward or sexy.
Oh, you guys, thank you so much
for throwing that
brunch tomorrow.
Oh, no problem.
Just my way
of sending you off in style.
Now that you're married, we're
probably not gonna talk as much...
Sure we will. No, we won't!
No, we won't.
But, um...
we'll always have a bond,
an unspoken bond.
Oh, that's true.
And thanks to you,
I've got my husband
and my best friend.
P-uke!
You had to invite him.
I was just trying to be nice.
OK, great. Whatever.
Excuse us.
Hey, guys!
We're married!
OK.
They saw us,
she danced with her
clearly gay father.
Can we leave?
No. We have to stay at
least another hour.
I have a toast to make.
Another hour?
Nothing good ever happens
when we dress up.
I have to go. Samantha
has to pee again
and I'm in charge of
lifting her dress.
Great. She gets to have fun.
Oh, boy.
You didn't happen to bring
a deck of cards or a
television set, did you?
No.
Can we work with this at all...
top hat?
What, like, burn it
with some Jake and
Samantha matches?
Hey, look.
Abrathumb Lincoln.
You know, we put these things
out at our wedding, too.
You know what some guy did?
He went to the bathroom and
took a picture of his ass.
Who?
I have no idea,
but when we got those
pictures back,
it was pretty damn funny.
Give me that.
Hey.
Hey, thanks again
for throwing us this brunch.
Oh, no problem. Are
you having fun?
So much fun. And look at Jake.
Isn't he adorable?
Yes. Very adorable.
No, seriously. Look at him.
OK, I'm gonna take a break now.
All right? You save my spot.
OK, I'll save your spot.
Oh...
Oh, I'm sorry.
How are you doing?
Oh, hello. We haven't met.
I'm Jake's Aunt Flora.
Oh, I'm Deacon Palmer. I
know Jake from softball.
Oh, how wonderful.
Well, it's been nice
visiting with you.
You, too.
So Jamaica... That's a
nice place to honeymoon.
You been?
Me? No. I don't leave America.
How long's the flight?
It's about 3 hours.
Oh, that's not too bad.
You watch a movie, maybe
a little mile-high club,
next think you know,
you're landing.
What's a mile-high club?
It's a... It's a card game.
Actually, we just got the
disposable cameras developed,
so we'll kill a little time going
through all those pictures.
Oh, that should be fun.
You got 'em back already?
Let's look at them now.
What? No. No, no, no.
Yeah, we should. Honey!
Break out the pictures.
No, no, that's all right.
They're upstairs in my purse.
I like cookies. Cookies!
Come on, let's get some cookies.
I'll be right back!
My God, she's getting the pictures.
What am I gonna do?
Relax, man. No one's gonna
know it's your behind.
OK, it's not my be-hind,
it was my be-front.
What?
I went the other way. I
wanted to mix it up.
Oh, man.
My mother's sitting right there.
Samantha: Here we go!
Doug: Hey, let me see.
What have we got here?
I got, uh...
No, no, no, no! Get off!
No. Jeez.
Oh, look at this.
The flower girl.
Doug, isn't she precious?
Oh, yeah, she's priceless.
Oh, my God!
What is with my hair?
Flora: Oh, my!
It's a picture of a man's...
Oh, my.
And it's wearing a
little top hat.
Let me see that.
Oh, Mommy, please, go blind now!
This is sick.
It's like a car wreck.
I can't look away.
Give me those.
Who would do
something like this?
I know who did it.
It was Danny.
What?
Yeah.
The picture on the roll
before this last one...
Danny. Danny. Danny.
Danny!
I didn't... I didn't do that.
Carrie: OK... coffee
and slightly burnt
cinnamon buns are served.
What's going on? What happened?
Danny thought it'd be funny
to take a picture of...
I'm telling you, it's not me!
I told you we shouldn't have invited him.
Drunken idiot.
Well, maybe it's not him, Jake.
Oh, yeah, stick up for him...
I am not sticking up for him!
We'll talk about this later.
Guy, that is messed up.
Doug, I've been hearing
people's sins for 20 years,
but this one's
pretty disturbing.
Don't people confess
murders to you?
Still...
Well, it gets worse.
Nice going, you
picture-taking moron.
I just got off the
phone with Samantha.
Her and Jake had a huge fight.
You know that they're not
going on their honeymoon?
They may break up over this.
For the millionth
time, I didn't do it!
I would never do
something like this.
Doug, back me up.
Certainly. It doesn't seem
like something you would do.
Although you were pretty hammered
and angry at the wedding.
Now that I think of it,
I do remember you
grabbing a camera.
Really?
Yeah. You ran off saying
something like...
"I'll show them," or...
"I'll get them."
Something like that.
Oh, my God.
Maybe I did do it.
Oh, yeah? It's all coming
back to you now, is it?
You know, Dan, let me
tell you something.
When everybody
called you a loser,
I was the only one who
stuck up for you, OK?
But do you know
what I'm realizing?
They were right.
Your ex-wife,
the guys at I.P.S.,
your grandmother...
They were right on the money.
I gotta go.
Oh, where you gonna go?
You gonna go moon a bar mitzvah?
Idiots.
It's amazing.
What's that?
How a simple photograph
can wreak such havoc.
Will you stop staring at that?
I can't help it.
Something about this
just doesn't add up.
Mm. What do you mean?
I got a gut,
and that gut tells me
that this schvantz
doesn't belong to the
man they think it does.
Hey, I forgot my deodorant.
Can I use yours?
Afraid not.
Unfortunately, I have
just enough for me.
What's your problem, man?
You've been acting
pissy all day.
You know damn well
what my problem is.
No, I don't.
You made me take that picture.
What?
Yeah. I had no concept
of novelty wedding photographs
till you showed up.
I was just telling a story
to fill the dead air.
You're the one who said,
"Give me the camera."
And that little top hat?
That was all you.
Excuse me for classin'
it up a little.
What's the big deal, anyway?
Danny's the one who got blamed.
You're off the hook.
Look, I feel guilty, OK,
that Jake and Samantha are not
even speaking to each other,
and everybody hates Danny.
So come clean, man.
I can't.
Then everybody will hate me.
Spence: Hey.
Next time you guys
leave the steam room,
you want to let me know?
I've been talking to myself
for, like, half an hour.
Sorry.
Oh, God. Arthur.
What are you doing here?
I was right.
It wasn't Danny in the picture.
Yes, it was.
He... said he did it.
The kid's been framed.
Framed like a $4.00
paint-by-numbers,
and by someone
very close to him.
Isn't that so...
Spence?
Bravo, son.
You're exonerated...
with flying colors.
It's very sweet of you to
drive me to the airport.
Well, you're... You're
too old to hitch.
So you, uh,
you had a good trip, right?
How could I have a good trip?
Your cousin ruined the whole
wedding with that awful picture.
You know, Danny never
had any sense.
Give him a break, all right?
I'm sure he feels
really bad, you know?
And I bet if he had to do it over
again, he wouldn't have done it.
Well, it'd be great if he
could go back in time.
Does he have a time machine?
No. No.
He doesn't have the sense
to have a time machine.
I'll tell you what
the problem is.
Every Sunday when Danny
should have been in church,
you know what he was doing?
He was watching The Three
Stooges on television.
You don't get yourself
on the right path
watching grown men poke
each other in the eye.
Could we just drop this, Ma?
I mean, we're taking a beautiful
trip to the airport...
Look, Marriott.
I can't stop thinking
about that picture.
Ugh.
That image is burned
into my brain.
No.
No, no, no. It's not burned.
I see it when I close my eyes.
Don't close 'em. You
just keep them open.
I thank God that you're
a good boy, Douglas.
I thank God.
Anyway, so I just dropped
her off at the airport,
and here I am.
Uh-huh.
So what are we looking at here?
10 Hail Marys? A dozen Our Fathers?
What you got?
Well, Doug, what I think
you should be doing
is confessing to the
people you've hurt.
That's the only way you'll be
able to make peace with God.
Right.
It's just... D-D-Did
you hear the part
about the picture being burnt
into my mother's brain?
Well, nobody said
this would be easy.
I just think that's
what you need to do.
OK. Um, can I get
a second opinion?
Could you, like, tag out and
get Father Biskup in here?
Doug, you can hide
from the truth,
but you can't hide from God.
How about 60 Hail Marys? 60.
And a new pair of Nikes for you.
What are you, like an 11?
Doug...
What are you doing?
Just to the right of the top hat
I've discovered a small
piece of the trouser label.
I think it may break
this case wide open!
Give me that.
Who are you trying to protect?
Hey, I'm making a pile
for the dry cleaners.
You got anything?
Uh, no.
But I do want to tell you...
I can't believe all this wedding
crap that got in your pockets.
I mean, look at this.
Matches, mints. You went a little
crazy with the yarmulkes here.
Oh, look. One of the
little top hats.
Good evening, governor.
Those hats are funny, huh?
Yeah.
Kind of make you want to do
something wacky, you know?
They do.
That's, uh, probably
where my head was at when I...
uh...
When I took the picture.
What?
The picture. The bad picture.
The picture everybody's talking about.
I took it.
Wait a minute. That was you?
What would make you do
something like that?
I was bored to tears, Carrie!
I begged you to let me
leave that wedding!
And you let Danny take
all the blame for it?
The crowd seemed to
be going that way
and I jumped on board.
Doug, you're just...
You're just evil.
I mean, do you realize
what you did to Danny?
Do you realize you may have
broken up a marriage here?
I'm aware of that, OK?
I feel bad.
It's just a stupid thing
that spun out of control.
Well, you gotta tell
everybody the truth.
I can't! You have to.
Carrie, my mother's
seen the picture, OK?
It's burnt into her brain!
Is that the picture?
Yeah. You've never seen it?
No.
You know what?
Um...
maybe you're right.
Maybe we should just
let this thing go.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah, because, you know,
people already think
Danny's a screwup.
One more thing ain't gonna
make or break that, right?
And if Jake and Samantha
could break up over
something this stupid,
then they weren't gonna make it anyway.
You know?
What... What's going on here?
Nothing.
Just a second ago
you said I had to tell the
truth and that I'm evil.
No, I mean "evil,"
like devilish, you
know, naughty.
Adorable. You know?
You're embarrassed of it.
You don't want people
to know that's me!
Well... Well, hon, it's
not your best picture.
You know?
I don't...
I don't know if it was the angle
or the lighting. It just...
This... This picture
does not represent
what I know to be the truth.
That is a very nice picture.
Nice? It's a mug shot.
Yeah. People always wear
top hats in mug shots.
Doug, take my word for it, OK?
This picture doesn't
do you justice.
Now, a lot of my friends from
work saw it at the brunch,
and I don't think we need to
advertise that this is you.
Oh.
I'm telling. I'm
telling the world!
I wouldn't do that
if I were you.
I'm doin' it.
Doug, OK, how about this?
We take a new picture, OK?
I mean, people only
saw it for a second.
They would never
know the difference.
We could get great lighting,
you know, good camera...
Give me that!
Can we just airbrush
it a little?
So, anyway, I want
to apologize again
to Jake and Samantha.
Hopefully now that you know
the truth about this picture,
you'll get back on the road
to a long, happy life together.
Sorry, also, to my cousin Danny,
who I "framed."
Enjoy that new
bowling ball, buddy.
I also want to apologize
to anybody else I've offended...
and to the community at large.
Now, back to the picture.
Who likes what they see?
Show of hands.
Doug: Come on. Don't be shy.
Excuse me.
Don't you work with my
daughter Carrie Heffernan
at the law firm?
Carrie? Yes, I do.
So you must have been at
the wedding last weekend.
I sure was.
You're free to go, sir.
Hey, what do you got? What do you got?
What do you got?
Hang on. You got my arm in there.
Hang on!
Would you relax?
I'm sorry. I get excited
when the grocery bags arrive.
It's like Christmas, only...
I don't have to
get you anything.
Yeah, well, there's a
box of Tide in the car.
Can you go get that?
Not unless it's cherry flavored.
Oh, here it is,
underneath the broccoli.
Cool Ranch Doritos.
"Now zestier."
I'm glad they warned me.
Honey, honey...
Honey, wait. Why don't
you just try an apple?
Oh, come on, all right?
You buy 'em, they sit
there, you throw 'em out.
Let's stop the dance.
Come on. You know how
you're always telling me
you can't breathe and
your heart feels bad?
This can help.
All right, fine. I don't care...
Is that a whole salami?
Focus... Focus, Doug.
Focus.
All right. All right.
What's the big deal?
It doesn't matter.
Not bad.
See? What did I tell you?
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
I ate the sticker!
This is why I don't eat apples!
What's goin' on?
And the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
It has been...
since my last confession.
I'm sorry, how long?
14 years.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. You
know, I was gonna
come in sooner, but I just...
I figured you were a
very busy guy, and...
all I had was repeat
offenses, and...
I just... I wanted to wait
until I had something
that really... would
blow your collar off.
And do you?
Oh, yeah.
Carrie: You almost
ready there, chief?
Just about.
Is that how you're
gonna wear your tie?
It took me, like, 30 tries.
It looks fine.
It looks fine if
you're Oliver Hardy.
Fix it, OK?
And button up your
shirt all the way.
Have you met my neck?
Well, listen... I want you to act
like a grown-up tonight, OK?
Yeah, yeah.
That means none of
your funny noises
during the ceremony.
Hey, if somebody bends
over during a quiet patch,
it's open season.
Doug, I'm serious.
This wedding is special to me.
Special. Please.
It is!
I set Jake and Samantha up.
I mean, I saw these two people,
I knew they would be perfect
for each other, and they were.
They're soul mates.
Get ahold of
yourself, would you?
I mean, you set her
up with 26 guys,
you finally found one who didn't try
to push her out of his moving car.
It wasn't that many guys.
Are you kidding me? There
was Steve, my cousin Danny,
the guy you met online
at Waldbaum's...
All right, so it took a while.
She's my friend. I wanted to make
sure she found somebody great.
You always say how
annoying she is.
Exactly. She's my
annoying friend.
OK? You have a
garage full of them.
Hopefully now she'll spend less
time being my annoying friend
and more time being
his annoying wife.
OK, how about this? No tie,
unbuttoned down to here
like a Bee Gee.
Nancy Wilson: ♪ The
best is yet to come
♪ And, babe, won't it be fine? ♪
♪ The best is yet to come
♪ On the day you're mine ♪
♪ Come the day you're mine... ♪
What could be better
than dancing with
my handsome son?
OK. Keep the hands
10:00 and 2:00, Mom.
That's it.
All right, folks, let's get
this party started, now.
Who wants to shake
their groove thang?
Whoo!
Come on, Dougie!
Uh... I think I left my
groove thang on the table,
and I'm pretty sure
you don't have one,
so I...
Aw, come on,
don't be such a negative Nelly.
Uh, Spence, my mom wants
to dance with you.
Oh, sweet!
Say cheese!
Cut it out.
Ooh, that's a good one.
What's goin' on?
They put all these disposable
cameras on the tables
for us to take pictures.
Say, "I was dumped
by the bride."
Shut up!
I loved her.
Guy, you went out with
her for, like, a month.
You don't know what we had!
That's the money shot.
Hour 4 of wedding.
Kill me.
Help me out here and wing those
candies at him. Come on.
OK.
Doug. Doug.
Why are you throwing
candy at his head?
It's a wedding.
Hey, guys!
We're married!
Yes, you are!
You guys having fun?
Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.
You know what? I almost wore
that exact same dress tonight.
How awkward would
that have been?
Awkward or sexy.
Oh, you guys, thank you so much
for throwing that
brunch tomorrow.
Oh, no problem.
Just my way
of sending you off in style.
Now that you're married, we're
probably not gonna talk as much...
Sure we will. No, we won't!
No, we won't.
But, um...
we'll always have a bond,
an unspoken bond.
Oh, that's true.
And thanks to you,
I've got my husband
and my best friend.
P-uke!
You had to invite him.
I was just trying to be nice.
OK, great. Whatever.
Excuse us.
Hey, guys!
We're married!
OK.
They saw us,
she danced with her
clearly gay father.
Can we leave?
No. We have to stay at
least another hour.
I have a toast to make.
Another hour?
Nothing good ever happens
when we dress up.
I have to go. Samantha
has to pee again
and I'm in charge of
lifting her dress.
Great. She gets to have fun.
Oh, boy.
You didn't happen to bring
a deck of cards or a
television set, did you?
No.
Can we work with this at all...
top hat?
What, like, burn it
with some Jake and
Samantha matches?
Hey, look.
Abrathumb Lincoln.
You know, we put these things
out at our wedding, too.
You know what some guy did?
He went to the bathroom and
took a picture of his ass.
Who?
I have no idea,
but when we got those
pictures back,
it was pretty damn funny.
Give me that.
Hey.
Hey, thanks again
for throwing us this brunch.
Oh, no problem. Are
you having fun?
So much fun. And look at Jake.
Isn't he adorable?
Yes. Very adorable.
No, seriously. Look at him.
OK, I'm gonna take a break now.
All right? You save my spot.
OK, I'll save your spot.
Oh...
Oh, I'm sorry.
How are you doing?
Oh, hello. We haven't met.
I'm Jake's Aunt Flora.
Oh, I'm Deacon Palmer. I
know Jake from softball.
Oh, how wonderful.
Well, it's been nice
visiting with you.
You, too.
So Jamaica... That's a
nice place to honeymoon.
You been?
Me? No. I don't leave America.
How long's the flight?
It's about 3 hours.
Oh, that's not too bad.
You watch a movie, maybe
a little mile-high club,
next think you know,
you're landing.
What's a mile-high club?
It's a... It's a card game.
Actually, we just got the
disposable cameras developed,
so we'll kill a little time going
through all those pictures.
Oh, that should be fun.
You got 'em back already?
Let's look at them now.
What? No. No, no, no.
Yeah, we should. Honey!
Break out the pictures.
No, no, that's all right.
They're upstairs in my purse.
I like cookies. Cookies!
Come on, let's get some cookies.
I'll be right back!
My God, she's getting the pictures.
What am I gonna do?
Relax, man. No one's gonna
know it's your behind.
OK, it's not my be-hind,
it was my be-front.
What?
I went the other way. I
wanted to mix it up.
Oh, man.
My mother's sitting right there.
Samantha: Here we go!
Doug: Hey, let me see.
What have we got here?
I got, uh...
No, no, no, no! Get off!
No. Jeez.
Oh, look at this.
The flower girl.
Doug, isn't she precious?
Oh, yeah, she's priceless.
Oh, my God!
What is with my hair?
Flora: Oh, my!
It's a picture of a man's...
Oh, my.
And it's wearing a
little top hat.
Let me see that.
Oh, Mommy, please, go blind now!
This is sick.
It's like a car wreck.
I can't look away.
Give me those.
Who would do
something like this?
I know who did it.
It was Danny.
What?
Yeah.
The picture on the roll
before this last one...
Danny. Danny. Danny.
Danny!
I didn't... I didn't do that.
Carrie: OK... coffee
and slightly burnt
cinnamon buns are served.
What's going on? What happened?
Danny thought it'd be funny
to take a picture of...
I'm telling you, it's not me!
I told you we shouldn't have invited him.
Drunken idiot.
Well, maybe it's not him, Jake.
Oh, yeah, stick up for him...
I am not sticking up for him!
We'll talk about this later.
Guy, that is messed up.
Doug, I've been hearing
people's sins for 20 years,
but this one's
pretty disturbing.
Don't people confess
murders to you?
Still...
Well, it gets worse.
Nice going, you
picture-taking moron.
I just got off the
phone with Samantha.
Her and Jake had a huge fight.
You know that they're not
going on their honeymoon?
They may break up over this.
For the millionth
time, I didn't do it!
I would never do
something like this.
Doug, back me up.
Certainly. It doesn't seem
like something you would do.
Although you were pretty hammered
and angry at the wedding.
Now that I think of it,
I do remember you
grabbing a camera.
Really?
Yeah. You ran off saying
something like...
"I'll show them," or...
"I'll get them."
Something like that.
Oh, my God.
Maybe I did do it.
Oh, yeah? It's all coming
back to you now, is it?
You know, Dan, let me
tell you something.
When everybody
called you a loser,
I was the only one who
stuck up for you, OK?
But do you know
what I'm realizing?
They were right.
Your ex-wife,
the guys at I.P.S.,
your grandmother...
They were right on the money.
I gotta go.
Oh, where you gonna go?
You gonna go moon a bar mitzvah?
Idiots.
It's amazing.
What's that?
How a simple photograph
can wreak such havoc.
Will you stop staring at that?
I can't help it.
Something about this
just doesn't add up.
Mm. What do you mean?
I got a gut,
and that gut tells me
that this schvantz
doesn't belong to the
man they think it does.
Hey, I forgot my deodorant.
Can I use yours?
Afraid not.
Unfortunately, I have
just enough for me.
What's your problem, man?
You've been acting
pissy all day.
You know damn well
what my problem is.
No, I don't.
You made me take that picture.
What?
Yeah. I had no concept
of novelty wedding photographs
till you showed up.
I was just telling a story
to fill the dead air.
You're the one who said,
"Give me the camera."
And that little top hat?
That was all you.
Excuse me for classin'
it up a little.
What's the big deal, anyway?
Danny's the one who got blamed.
You're off the hook.
Look, I feel guilty, OK,
that Jake and Samantha are not
even speaking to each other,
and everybody hates Danny.
So come clean, man.
I can't.
Then everybody will hate me.
Spence: Hey.
Next time you guys
leave the steam room,
you want to let me know?
I've been talking to myself
for, like, half an hour.
Sorry.
Oh, God. Arthur.
What are you doing here?
I was right.
It wasn't Danny in the picture.
Yes, it was.
He... said he did it.
The kid's been framed.
Framed like a $4.00
paint-by-numbers,
and by someone
very close to him.
Isn't that so...
Spence?
Bravo, son.
You're exonerated...
with flying colors.
It's very sweet of you to
drive me to the airport.
Well, you're... You're
too old to hitch.
So you, uh,
you had a good trip, right?
How could I have a good trip?
Your cousin ruined the whole
wedding with that awful picture.
You know, Danny never
had any sense.
Give him a break, all right?
I'm sure he feels
really bad, you know?
And I bet if he had to do it over
again, he wouldn't have done it.
Well, it'd be great if he
could go back in time.
Does he have a time machine?
No. No.
He doesn't have the sense
to have a time machine.
I'll tell you what
the problem is.
Every Sunday when Danny
should have been in church,
you know what he was doing?
He was watching The Three
Stooges on television.
You don't get yourself
on the right path
watching grown men poke
each other in the eye.
Could we just drop this, Ma?
I mean, we're taking a beautiful
trip to the airport...
Look, Marriott.
I can't stop thinking
about that picture.
Ugh.
That image is burned
into my brain.
No.
No, no, no. It's not burned.
I see it when I close my eyes.
Don't close 'em. You
just keep them open.
I thank God that you're
a good boy, Douglas.
I thank God.
Anyway, so I just dropped
her off at the airport,
and here I am.
Uh-huh.
So what are we looking at here?
10 Hail Marys? A dozen Our Fathers?
What you got?
Well, Doug, what I think
you should be doing
is confessing to the
people you've hurt.
That's the only way you'll be
able to make peace with God.
Right.
It's just... D-D-Did
you hear the part
about the picture being burnt
into my mother's brain?
Well, nobody said
this would be easy.
I just think that's
what you need to do.
OK. Um, can I get
a second opinion?
Could you, like, tag out and
get Father Biskup in here?
Doug, you can hide
from the truth,
but you can't hide from God.
How about 60 Hail Marys? 60.
And a new pair of Nikes for you.
What are you, like an 11?
Doug...
What are you doing?
Just to the right of the top hat
I've discovered a small
piece of the trouser label.
I think it may break
this case wide open!
Give me that.
Who are you trying to protect?
Hey, I'm making a pile
for the dry cleaners.
You got anything?
Uh, no.
But I do want to tell you...
I can't believe all this wedding
crap that got in your pockets.
I mean, look at this.
Matches, mints. You went a little
crazy with the yarmulkes here.
Oh, look. One of the
little top hats.
Good evening, governor.
Those hats are funny, huh?
Yeah.
Kind of make you want to do
something wacky, you know?
They do.
That's, uh, probably
where my head was at when I...
uh...
When I took the picture.
What?
The picture. The bad picture.
The picture everybody's talking about.
I took it.
Wait a minute. That was you?
What would make you do
something like that?
I was bored to tears, Carrie!
I begged you to let me
leave that wedding!
And you let Danny take
all the blame for it?
The crowd seemed to
be going that way
and I jumped on board.
Doug, you're just...
You're just evil.
I mean, do you realize
what you did to Danny?
Do you realize you may have
broken up a marriage here?
I'm aware of that, OK?
I feel bad.
It's just a stupid thing
that spun out of control.
Well, you gotta tell
everybody the truth.
I can't! You have to.
Carrie, my mother's
seen the picture, OK?
It's burnt into her brain!
Is that the picture?
Yeah. You've never seen it?
No.
You know what?
Um...
maybe you're right.
Maybe we should just
let this thing go.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah, because, you know,
people already think
Danny's a screwup.
One more thing ain't gonna
make or break that, right?
And if Jake and Samantha
could break up over
something this stupid,
then they weren't gonna make it anyway.
You know?
What... What's going on here?
Nothing.
Just a second ago
you said I had to tell the
truth and that I'm evil.
No, I mean "evil,"
like devilish, you
know, naughty.
Adorable. You know?
You're embarrassed of it.
You don't want people
to know that's me!
Well... Well, hon, it's
not your best picture.
You know?
I don't...
I don't know if it was the angle
or the lighting. It just...
This... This picture
does not represent
what I know to be the truth.
That is a very nice picture.
Nice? It's a mug shot.
Yeah. People always wear
top hats in mug shots.
Doug, take my word for it, OK?
This picture doesn't
do you justice.
Now, a lot of my friends from
work saw it at the brunch,
and I don't think we need to
advertise that this is you.
Oh.
I'm telling. I'm
telling the world!
I wouldn't do that
if I were you.
I'm doin' it.
Doug, OK, how about this?
We take a new picture, OK?
I mean, people only
saw it for a second.
They would never
know the difference.
We could get great lighting,
you know, good camera...
Give me that!
Can we just airbrush
it a little?
So, anyway, I want
to apologize again
to Jake and Samantha.
Hopefully now that you know
the truth about this picture,
you'll get back on the road
to a long, happy life together.
Sorry, also, to my cousin Danny,
who I "framed."
Enjoy that new
bowling ball, buddy.
I also want to apologize
to anybody else I've offended...
and to the community at large.
Now, back to the picture.
Who likes what they see?
Show of hands.
Doug: Come on. Don't be shy.
Excuse me.
Don't you work with my
daughter Carrie Heffernan
at the law firm?
Carrie? Yes, I do.
So you must have been at
the wedding last weekend.
I sure was.
You're free to go, sir.