The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 7 - Flame Resistant - full transcript

God, I love the
smell of hot wings.

I know you do, baby.

Why can't they make an
air freshener like this?

You know, like for the car?

Our car has enough food smells
in it, don't you think?

For milady? Over here.

Whoa!

Thank you. There you go.

And I will just sit
down right here.

Actually, right here.

Doug!



Well, come on! Let me watch!

I'm here, the Jets are on,

it's fate!

You're here every day,

and the place is owned
by a retired Jet.

It's not that miraculous.
Now up!

Up!

All right.

Go, go.

Ow!

Next time, it's a steak knife.
Now, sit down.

Fine.

You know, you could try and
make conversation with me.

You're right. You're right.
I'm sorry.



Are you trying to see the
reflection of the TV

in my eyes?

That would be crazy.

Fumble!

Doug, come on!
Stay with me here.

Stay with me, honey. Come on.

Please.

I'm trying to enjoy our
last moments of freedom

before your mom comes into town.

Hey, that's no way to
talk about the woman

who brought all this
into the world.

All right, if she brought
all of that into the world,

she would be dead.

Hey, you guys get menus?

Menus? You're adorable.

Take out your pad.

Doug?

Oh, my God. Margy Colletti!

Ohh!

Carrie, this is my high
school girlfriend.

Margy... Margy, this
is my wife Carrie.

Hey, great to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.

Awkward! Wife meeting
ex-girlfriend.

Couldn't be more uncomfortable.

Was he this much of an
idiot back in high school?

Oh, sure. He was just
like that, but acne.

Ah, yeah.

So, uh... what are you doing?

I mean, last I heard
you were married

to some doctor in Connecticut.

Yeah, I was till a
couple of months ago.

Now I'm divorced, back
here, waiting tables.

Kind of like
Cinderella in reverse.

Sweetheart, still
waiting on that pie.

Coming.

Hey, by the way, you
must be excited

that your mom's
coming into town.

Yeah, I am. How'd you
know she was coming in?

We keep in touch. Really?

Yeah, yeah. You know,
Christmas cards.

Funny e-mails.

Does she send you guys
the joke of the day?

Uh, no, not since we blocked
her from our computer.

So what can I get ya?

Well, now that I've
heard it out loud,

some kind of pie,

and any entrée you think
will go well before it.

How about a bacon cheeseburger?

Welcome home, Margy Colletti.

So? New?

I had my annual review at IPS,

and it turns out your son...

is an average worker.

Yeah.

Good for you, Dougie.

You see what happens when
you roll your sleeves up?

Doug, can I see
you for a second?

Oh. Yeah, sure.

What's up?

OK, take this out.
Here are the cookies

and spoons. Go, go, go.

Whoa, settle down.
We're still eating.

Well, eat faster.

Carrie, this is a brunch.

"Brunch" means slow lunch.

Well, then we're
having "funch"...

Fast lunch.

Come on, if we get
done by 12:00,

I can make it to
spinning, all right?

Get mama going!

Come on, I put some
ice cubes in there

so she'll drink it faster.

Go, go!

You're never gonna
believe who that is.

Margy Colletti.

How did you know?

Well, we ran into her yesterday,

and I can see her
through the window.

Oh, fiddlesticks. I was
gonna surprise ya.

Um, you didn't invite
her to eat, did you?

Oh, no. She's just
picking me up.

We're going shopping.

Oh.

Hey! Hi, honey!

Oh, it's so good to see you!

Margy, it's one thing stalking
me in a public place,

but this is my home, damn it!

Yeah, good one, Doug.

So, where you guys headed?

Well, I just moved into
the Sunrise Apartments,

and Janet said she'd
help me decorate.

And she's always had
such good taste.

Oh, stop.

You do. I don't.

You do. She does. I don't.

OK. Let's agree to disagree, OK?

Well, I guess I do
have kind of a flair.

OK, let's hit the mall.

I promise I won't have
her back too late.

OK.

Bye, kids! Bye.

Oh, Carrie. Brunch
was delightful.

Sorry I had to cut it short.

There you go. Now you can
catch your spinning class.

And don't worry.
Those dirty dishes

will be right there
when you get back.

What's the matter?

Nothing. I just...

Don't you think
it's a little weird

your ex-girlfriend's
coming around

and hanging out with your mom?

Here we go again.

I am with you.

I took a vow for God's sakes.

Trust that.

This has nothing to
do with you, Doug.

All right? It's about
Margy and your mom.

I mean, did you hear those two?

"I love you." "No, I love you."

God, I thought they
were gonna make out.

Did you just call
my mom a lesbian?

Doug, come on. I'm serious.
I mean,

your mom shouldn't be
running around with Margy.

She should be staying here

and having brunch with us.

Wait a second. You were just trying
to get the hell out of here.

Remember "funch"?

What the hell
happened to funch?!

And another thing, she's
decorating her apartment?

I mean, what... What's...

She never showed any
interest in this place.

She made us those curtains,
you threw 'em out.

They had rainbows with
pots of gold on them.

And, anyway, that's
not even the point!

I think it is the point.

The only reason you want mom
is 'cause Margy's got her.

What? No!

No, I love...

I love spending
time with your mom.

And she should love
spending time with me.

Well, I gotta tell you, you
don't exactly throw out

the "hang with me" vibe.

And what is that
supposed to mean?

Just kind of like...

Well, at least I don't
walk around being huge.

What, you just did
the cat thing.

That was just harmless fun.

You're clearly not a cat.

You know, I gotta say I
was little surprised

that you wanted my help
picking out a dress, dear.

Really? Why?

I've always liked
your sense of style.

Really?

Yeah, like look at that
pin you're wearing.

What do you got
there, an elephant?

Oh, yeah. It's for good luck.

Ah!

You know what? It's yours.

No, no, no. No, no.

That's your elephant.
No, no, I couldn't.

I couldn't. I couldn't.
I couldn't, really.

Fine.

♪ I know what I'm getting
someone for Christmas ♪

So, where are we here?

Uh, give me a little
more information

about this function you
need the dress for.

Oh, it's a dinner
at my boss' house.

We won a lawsuit
over clean water.

I'm not sure what side we're on.

Well, you know,
if it's a dinner,

this could be a way to go.

Yes! That is definitely
a way to go.

It is, but how 'bout this?

Are you posing for
Playboy magazine, dear?

No, I am not.

You know, the more
I look around,

the more I realize
this is the one.

Well, OK!

If you love it, then I love it.

I love it. Then I love it.

Well, I'm glad I could help.

I'm glad you can help, too.

Let's just go ahead and ring
this bad boy right up, huh?

OK.

Thank you.

So, after this I
think you and I...

Oh, excuse me, dear.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Margy. What's cooking?

Uh-huh.

Carrie and I are
at the Dress Barn.

We're done, right?

Yeah. Yeah!

Yeah, we're done. So, I'll
just shoot right down there.

I'll see you in a few.

Doug: What do you want me to do?

I want you to talk
to your mother.

No, no. I'm not
getting involved.

OK, fine. I'll talk to her.

Whoa! What are you gonna say?

I'm gonna tell her

that I don't think
it's appropriate

that she spends so much time
with her son's ex-girlfriend,

that it's disrespectful to me.

Yeah, I can't allow that.

Why not? I want this
out in the open.

I don't know how you handle
problems in your family,

but in my family, we
sweep 'em under the rug,

then we eat. It's
worked for generations.

Tough. I'm talking to her.

Carrie, you can't. I
think it's a bad idea.

Look, my mom will be upset,

and she'll start to cry.
And when she cries,

she doesn't just cry, OK?
She blubbers.

And she'll continue blubbering

until you sweep the problem

back under the rug where all
serious problems belong.

All right, fine.
You talk to Margy.

You want me to sit
down with my ex...

Alone...

And talk?

Yeah.

Just me and a former lover.

You're not worried about that?

Yeah, I think I'll
roll those dice.

Doug: Hey, Margy.

Hey, Doug! You here
for Finger Fest?

No. No, actually,
I came down here

to talk to you about something.

Hey, is Finger Fest
instead of Wing Madness

or in addition to?

Not sure.

I'm just a waitress.

You know, I'm kinda out
of the loop creatively.

Keep me posted.

Hey, look.

Didn't we have our first
date in this booth?

Yeah, actually we did.

We came here after we saw

a 4-foot black man
change the face of music

in Purple Rain.

Great movie.

I showed you a pretty sweet
evening that night, huh?

Yeah, you did.

Until you shot your
straw wrapper at me

and scratched my cornea.

I probably should've
known at that point

that we weren't meant to be.

You know when I knew we
weren't meant to be?

When you started cheating
on me with Ricky LeDouche.

It's Ricky LeDoux,

and I only got together with him

because it was obvious you
weren't serious about me.

That's not true.

I wrote that song about
you, for God's sakes.

Again with that stupid song.

You told me for 2 years

that you were gonna write it.

I did! Then how come
I never heard it?

Because while I was putting
the finishing touches on it,

you were rolling
around with LeDouche.

LeDoux, it's LeDoux.
And by the way,

that nickname really
hurt his feelings.

LeDouche is sad!

OK.

OK, fine.

Sing me the song you wrote.

I told you I never got a chance

to completely finish it.

Yeah, you were pretty good

at not finishing
things, weren't ya?

You never finished
fixing up your car,

you never finished college...

I wrote the song!

Sure you did. I gotta
get back to work.

Margy, I wrote the song, OK?!

Hey, is Finger Fest
instead of Wing Madness?

I thought we were
gonna watch the game.

Where the hell is it?

You know, I'm sitting
here by myself.

Haven't been offered
any refreshments!

I can't right now, OK? I'm
looking for this love song

I wrote to Margy Colletti.

Margy Colletti?

The one whose cornea
you destroyed?

OK, I didn't destroy it.

She had to wear an eye
patch for a semester.

Big whoop.

Hey, would you look in
that box right there?

What do you gotta
look for this now?

Because she doesn't
believe I wrote it, OK?

She was so smug about it, too.

"Oh, you never finish anything."

Yeah.

She's obviously never
eaten with you.

Ha ha ha ha.

Look in there, OK?
Any cassettes?

Yeah, yeah. Let's see.

We got Cheap Trick
Live at Budokan,

1-2-3 Spanish,

and The Margy Song.

That's it. That's it!

Here we go. Sweet
vindica-she-eeone.

Doug, on tape: Check 1, check 2.

OK, here we go.

It's October 12, 1984, and
this is The Margy Song

by Doug "The Boss" Heffernan.

The Margy Song.

Margy Song.

All right, a song for Margy.

♪ Margy girl

♪ My heart's in a... a whirl ♪

Oh, yeah! Margy!

Margy! Margy! Margy! Margy!

Margy! Margy! Margy!

OK, I'm gonna take
a short break.

To be continued.

OK, maybe she was right.

Maybe I didn't finish it.

Crap.

♪ Margy girl

♪ My heart's in a whirl ♪

♪ Tonight

Yeah, it was something
like, uh...

Then it was...

♪ Saw you in gym

♪ Lookin' real trim

♪ Tonight

I can't remember it. Damn it!

Why are you even doing this?

Because I don't want to
give her the satisfaction

of thinking I didn't
write the song, OK?

If you're gonna
help me, help me.

If not, get out of here.

All right, fine.

But I think if you're
gonna do this,

we should open up
the box a little.

What do you got?

Well, it's supposed to be
something from the eighties.

So why don't we
synth-rock this baby

and see where she takes us?

♪ Margy

♪ Margy, I'm scared of you ♪

♪ M-M-Margy

♪ I'm afraid of you,
afraid of you ♪

♪ M-M-Margy, you thrill me ♪

♪ The dirty things
that you do to me ♪

♪ Margy, you so dirty,
dirty, dirty Margy ♪

OK.

Let's close the box.

OK, I've only gotten awards
for karaoke, but whatever.

Hey, Doug. Did you, uh...
Did you talk to Margy?

Yeah.

Yeah, I did. Uh...

And is she gonna stay
away from your mom?

I don't know. I did my best,

but I'm not sure it sunk in.

She's pretty attached.

Really? Mmm.

Unbelievable.

Friggin' Margy just
can't stay away

from her little advice whore.

Did you just call
my mom a whore?

I gotta go.

I gotta go to my boss' dinner.

I'll see you guys later.

What are you doing
with the keyboard?

Uh...

Doug's helping me write
a couple of songs

for the IPS follies.

I'm, uh, musical director.

I actually am.

Janet. What are you doing?

Oh, pardon me.

I'm just trying to pick a
color for Margy's bedroom.

Something like this
might be nice.

You mind if she comes
over and takes a look?

All right. You know what?
We gotta talk.

About what, dear?

Janet, I'm your daughter-in-law,

and you're just spending
all this time with Margy.

You know?

I'm just wondering if maybe
you would've been happier

if Doug would've married her.

Oh, my God.

What have I done?

OK. Whoa. OK.

Uh...

No, no, no. It's... it's really...
it's not just you.

You know, I could've
tried harder, you know?

I...

Wow. Doug wasn't kidding.

Here, here. Why don't you...

Here, probably softer
than that fabric swatch.

Thank you.

Oh, Carrie.

I am so, so, so sorry.

I never meant to
make you feel badly.

No, I know you didn't, but...

but you did.

But it's OK! But it's OK now!

It really is OK.

Listen to me, darling.

Margy is a very sweet person,

but make no mistake,

you are my daughter-in-law.

No.

My daughter.

Thank you, Janet.

Mom.

And Margy is just
gonna have to finish

decorating her
apartment without me.

My time is for you.

Well, thank you, Janet.
That means a lot to me.

All right, I'm gonna get
dressed for that dinner, Mom.

All right, sweetheart.

You're not gonna wear the
dress we bought together?

Oh, no. I was just yanking
this for the dry cleaners.

It's gotta go to
the dry cleaners.

Oh, here it is. I'm
gonna wear this.

Oh, I'll give you some privacy.

OK.

Oy.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Margy.

No. No, dear, I absolutely
can't come over now.

All right. Fine, fine.

But I can only stay
for 5 minutes.

Hey. Ohh!

You look beautiful.

You're gonna get some
compliments tonight.

Yeah. I'm sure people
will be talking about it.

Hey, you going someplace?

Uh, yes. Uh...

I... I've got to go pick
up some diabetes medicine

for my Uncle Norman.

Right.

So, uh, well, have a
wonderful evening.

Thanks.

Uncle Norman, my ass.

I would definitely
go with the blue.

Now, darling, I really
do have to get going.

Oh, no, just stay a
few more minutes.

You haven't even
touched your wine.

A few minutes, fine.

Carrie?

Oh, my God!

Carrie, it's not what you think.
Oh, no?

She needed me. I'm
just in and out

to help with the couch
and the carpet.

And to polish off a bottle
of chardonnay, I see.

Get your coat. We're going home.

Really, it's not
what you think...

Coat, now, Mom.

Well, can't she just stay to
help me pick out the tiles?

OK, listen to me, sweetheart.

You had a mother-in-law
and you blew it, OK?

This one's mine, so mitts off.

What? What? Hello?

You're through, OK?
You're out of our lives.

Doug: ♪ Margy girl, my
heart's in a whirl ♪

♪ Tonight

♪ I need you bad, oh, Margy ♪

♪ I need you so,
oh, Margy girl ♪

♪ Before we met, nothing
in my life was right ♪

OK, you finished it.

♪ But all that
changed with Margy ♪

♪ You've blown away...
Oh, Carrie ♪

Ladies.

♪ Margy girl, my heart's
in a whirl tonight ♪

♪ I need you bad, oh, Margy ♪

♪ I need you so,
oh, Margy girl ♪

♪ Before we met, nothing
in my life was right ♪

♪ But all that
changed with Margy ♪

♪ You've blown me
away, oh, Margy ♪

♪ Remember when we met
between math and Spanish ♪

♪ You were all woman

♪ And what was I?

♪ Well, let me tell
you what I was ♪

♪ I was mannish

♪ You were never lookin' finer ♪

♪ Than the night we
went to Winky's Diner ♪

♪ We had onion rings
that were fried ♪

♪ With love on the side

♪ I knew my single
days were over ♪

♪ Ridin' in your Chevy Nova ♪

♪ Margy, if you ever
said good-bye ♪

♪ I'd just lay down and die ♪