The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 6 - Business Affairs - full transcript
Carrie and a guy (Curt) from her office get along well and when Doug finds out people at Carrie's office call Curt Carrie's 'work husband' he feels threatened. Even though he knows Curt is gay.
But I think my
favorite mayor of all
was Mr. John D. Lindsay.
Marvelous politician
and, if I may say,
easy on the eyes.
Hey, guys, good walk?
Oh, it was great.
Arthur's been telling me
all these funny mayor stories.
Oh, yeah? Oh, Holly,
let me pay you for this week.
There you go, sweetie. Thanks.
You don't have to
pay my dogwalker
in front of me like
I'm an animal!
Well, you can earn some money
and pay her yourself.
Easy there, sister. I was
just making conversation.
Holly: Thanks, Carr.
Listen, Arthur, I'm
adding a new dog
to our walk next time...
This adorable Jack Russell.
I hope it's not the Jack Russell
I knew in the army. I
left him for dead.
Hey, babe.
Hi, honey. Listen, I'm sorry
I couldn't make that meeting
with the mortgage guy.
How'd it go?
Great. He ran down
the options for me,
and I think I selected
us a refinancing plan
that fits our needs pretty well.
Yeah? Which?
Uh, the purple one.
Did you even read it?
No, but the broker
was pushing it,
and he seemed like a
pretty bright guy.
Look, the middle-aged
black couple here
seems pretty happy with it.
You're not ready
to do grown-up stuff
on your own, are you?
I got the gist of it, all right?
Right now we got 7 years
left on our mortgage.
If we switch to this one,
it's gonna bring our
payments way down
because we're gonna spread 'em
out over the next 30 years.
Hmm. That sounds good.
Yeah. My only concern was
are we really gonna dig
each other for that long?
Well, unless you leave
me for a roast beef,
I think we're OK.
So when do we sign everything?
I'm picking up the
application tomorrow
and I'll bring it
by your office.
Holy sweet Mother,
I'm staring at a
bowl of chocolate.
Yeah, I'm making brownies.
Hey, get away.
They're not for you.
They're for Curt from work.
Who?
Curt, my friend from work.
It's his birthday tomorrow.
Uh-huh.
No... no! Stop it!
Don't... don't do it!
No!
You only bake a
few times a year!
I should be on the business
end of all of 'em!
Doug, I limit my baking
to keep you alive.
Look, you know, I'm not sure I like
you baking for another man, anyway.
All right. You know what? Relax.
Curt is gay.
Oh, well, then there's
no way he can eat
a tray full of brownies and still
look good in his gay pants.
So give. Give 'em to me.
Stop it! Stop!
Woman: Hey, Doug. Oh, hey, Amy.
You, uh, see the wifeski?
The what? The wifeski.
I'm sorry. I don't know
what you're saying.
My wife Carrie.
Have you seen her?
Oh.
Yeah, she should be back
from lunch any minute.
Thanks. OK.
Hey, honey.
Doug: Hey! Hey!
How are ya? Good.
I brought the mortgage down.
Oh, good.
Curt, this is my husband Doug.
Oh, it's great to
meet you finally.
C-Curt. Brownie Curt.
Yeah. I'd offer you one,
but my co-workers pretty much
mowed right through them.
I yanked my hands
away just in time.
Well, no biggie.
Speaking of scary co-workers,
did you see Vanveen
make his way over here?
Uh, yeah.
He was just standing
there, staring at us...
"What ya got there? Brownies?"
Very odd. Carrie: Very odd,
and did you see he was
wearing that thing again?
That thing with the snaps?
Yeah, yeah.
He thinks it works for him.
It doesn't. Uh-uh!
Yeah, totally.
So anyway, I got the, uh,
mortgage thing here.
You just gotta sign next
to the little tabbies.
All right, well, did you
read through it this time?
No.
I paid the guy to put
the tabbies there
so we wouldn't have to read it.
OK, I'm gonna go make a copy.
I'll be right back.
Oh, God, I'm stuffed.
Carrie took me out for sushi.
Oh, great. That's one less
time she begs me to go.
Raw fish not as
good as cooked cow.
Hey!
It's Carrie's work husband
and her real husband
in the same place.
Work husband?
Oh, yeah. It's just this
joke they got going here
'cause we're always together.
I'm her work husband.
She's my work wife.
It's stupid.
No, no, it's...
It's funny. It's funny.
All right, honey. Here ya go.
OK. All right.
Now we gotta go set up the
conference room for a meeting.
The millionaires will riot
if they don't get
their free muffins.
OK. OK.
Curt: It's nice to meet you.
You, too.
Douglas.
Hey, Arthur.
What's troubling you, Son?
You never looked heavier.
Thanks.
Come here.
Well, there's this...
There's this guy that
Carrie works with.
Nothing really bad's going on.
Actually, he's gay.
Ah, the homosexuals.
It's wonderful, the things
they've given to our culture.
I'm a big fan.
Can I finish?
All right.
So anyway,
she and this guy got
this thing going.
They're really close,
and they have all
these inside jokes.
They go out for sushi,
and it turns out
the people there
call him her work husband.
I mean, what's with that?
Come on. It's innocent fun.
I actually had a work wife once.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Her name was Phyllis Schneck.
She worked with me
in a crab cannery
in Glen Burnie, Maryland.
All righty.
Every morning, I would
kiss my real wife good-bye
and head to work.
Down at the cannery,
Phyllis and I would laugh
our heads off all day,
you know, real
inside crab humor.
Then, one day,
at the company picnic,
we hopped off into the forest
in a potato sack
and made love like rabbits.
Now that I think
about it, Douglas,
gay or not, new guy
spells bad news.
The new guy's so cute, isn't he?
He's OK.
I doubt he'll be
doing any Alpo ads
anytime soon.
You're so good with
the Frisbee, Pee-wee.
You're so good with the Frisbee.
We get it.
He's good with the Frisbee.
Hey. Hey.
How was the rest
of your work day?
Fine.
Just fine? Come on,
give me more than that.
What?
Come on. I want to be
part of your work life.
Do you also want to pick out
my outfit for tomorrow?
Look, I'm serious.
Like, what's up
with the weird guy
who kept staring
at the brownies?
Vanveen? Yes!
What the hell is
up with Vanveen?
Give me the what-what
on Vanveen.
Nothing.
Just a very annoying
man who's 4'11".
Why do you care?
Well, excuse me for
wanting to know
as much about your life
as your work husband does.
What? That's right.
You didn't think I'd find
out you're a bigamist,
did you, Utah?
Doug, are you
actually telling me
you're upset because
I have a friend
who people, as a dumb joke,
call my work husband?
No, you know, you're right.
Why am I getting upset? Really.
You just have another husband.
That's all.
Doug, Curt is gay.
What part of gay do
you not understand?
I understand plenty
parts of gay.
Do you, Doug? Yeah, I do.
Well, you're being ridiculous.
Look, even if there
is no sex involved,
how would you like it
if I had a work
wife at IPS, huh?
What if Wanda the
dispatcher and I
just started spending
all this time together?
Wanda never leaves her desk.
She's 400 pounds.
Of fun.
All right, you know what?
I am done with
this conversation.
Whether he's gay or not,
bottom line is you
found somebody at work
you're sharing all
these things with
that you should be
sharing with me.
You guys have all
these inside jokes.
You got all this
stuff in common.
You go out for
lunch, you hang out.
You just described your exact
relationship with Deacon.
No, I didn't.
Think about it.
Have I ever once baked
brownies for Deacon?
No, but you made him
that big sandwich,
and you told me how much you
enjoyed watching him eat it.
OK, that was a new kind
of ham I discovered.
It's totally different.
And you guys have a
million inside jokes.
I mean, I come home, you
two are on the couch...
"Hey, Eddie, Eddie."
I mean, I don't know what the
hell you guys talk about.
So, admit it.
There are many times
you'd rather be spending time
with Deacon than with me.
So whether you like it or not,
he is your work wife.
You're ugly.
What's up, man?
What's up?
♪ Oh, you are everything
♪ And everything is you
♪ Oh, you are everything
♪ And everything is you
♪ Oh, you are everything
♪ And everything is you
♪ How can I forget
♪ When each face that I see ♪
♪ Brings back memories
♪ Of being with you
♪ I just can't go on
♪ Living life as I do
♪ Comparing each girl to...
You wanna catch a movie tonight?
Try and stop me.
Look at the ball, Pee-wee.
Ready?
Go get it.
Oh, isn't he great?
I just love him.
By the way, I was reading
a scathing piece
in the op-ed section
of today's Times.
Did you happen to see it?
No, I didn't.
Oh, who's a good boy?
You're a good boy.
You're a good boy. Ready?
Go get it again.
It was saying we haven't had
a decent secretary of commerce
in over a decade. Oh, real...
Oh, who's smarter than you?
Nobody.
Nobody's smarter than you.
Ready?
Look at it.
Look at it.
Go get it.
Arthur: Come here! Come here!
Give me that ball, Pee-wee!
Give it to me!
I believe this is yours.
Carrie: Curt, do
not ask him out.
Because he's straight.
He is.
All right, good luck to you.
Hey, call me after
the train wreck.
OK. Bye.
It's wonderful to
see how you kids
keep your marriage so fresh.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Listen, the mortgage guy called.
He wants us to meet him in
his office at 3:30 tomorrow
to sign the final papers.
Doug: Great.
In other news, you were right.
Deacon is my work wife,
and I'm good with that.
So there you go.
Are you still on this thing?
I'm not on or off anything, OK?
It's just fact.
You found somebody you like
to spend all your time with,
and so have I.
Don't be a moron.
I never said I wanted to
spend all my time with Curt.
It's fine. You guys can
hang out, eat sushi.
Deacon and I are
going out tonight
to explore one of our
common interests,
the cinema of Mr. Vin Diesel.
OK, you know what?
Hey, Curt, it's me again.
Hey, do you want to go dancing
or something tonight?
OK, great.
So I'll see you in, what,
like, a half hour?
All right, hon. Bye-bye.
Ya happy?
Thrilled.
It's better this way.
Now you don't have
to pretend to care
about sports and ground beef,
and I don't have
to pretend to care
about your new shoes
and your feelings.
You know what? Maybe
I do wanna spend
every second of
my day with Curt.
Feels good to admit it, right?
Feels fantastic.
Would you do me a favor?
Please hand me my
Michael Jordan cologne.
Thank you. Mm-hmm.
Here we go.
Wow, wow.
I like to smell good for my man.
OK.
Zip me, please.
Not a problem.
Zip me, please.
What, your fly?
That's right. My fly.
You can zip your own fly.
That is such a slap in the face.
Hey, you think Vin
Diesel's full name
is Vincent Diesel?
I think the name is
totally made-up.
Really?
So you don't think
out there somewhere
there's a very proud
Sam and Edna Diesel?
Doug?
Hey, Carrie.
Hello.
What are you doing here?
I told you I wanted
to try this place.
What are you doing here?
Sorry, I didn't realize
you owned El Diablo's.
Waitress: Can I
start you guys off
with something to drink?
Yeah, I'll have a margarita.
Oh, do you wanna share one?
I don't drink that much.
Oh, sure. We'll
share a margarita.
Oh, and Deacon and I will
share a margarita as well.
No, we won't.
Fine, then we'll share 2.
OK, thanks.
So, what did you
guys do tonight?
Saw a movie. Loved it.
Lot of explosions
and loud noises.
Not for you two.
So how was your
little dance party?
It was great.
Curt's a really great dancer.
He's in great shape
'cause he works out a lot.
Oh, wow.
Jeez.
Well, Curt, what do you bench?
Oh, um, about 180.
180. Deac, how about you?
I don't know. Like, 210.
210?
Hmm.
That's slightly more than Curt.
Wow, Doug.
Your work wife can bench more
than my work husband.
Um, you know,
I think I'm just gonna
go check on our drinks.
Work wife?
Yeah, Curt is her work husband.
You're my work wife.
Do I like pinto beans
or black beans?
Work wife?
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
Oh, lookee here.
Looks like Curt's found
himself another date.
Carrie: Oh.
Perfect.
I was having a great
night with him
until you showed up.
Work wife?!
It's nothing.
Don't make a scene.
I... I don't know what the
hell's going on between you two,
but don't drag me into this,
and don't call me
your work wife.
If anything, you're
my work wife.
Pee-wee.
Who's the best Pee-wee?
You're the best Pee-wee.
Woman: Excuse me?
Do you know what time it is?
It's, uh...
It's a quarter past
the hour of 2:00.
Thanks.
May I assume you walk
dogs professionally?
Yup.
Would you happen to
have any openings
in your group?
Sure. Always room for one more.
Uh, where's your dog?
You're looking at him.
Time to go, Arthur.
Actually, while you've
been heaping love
on your precious Pee-wee,
I made other arrangements.
This striking young lady
will be walking me henceforth.
Arthur, are you actually saying
that you're jealous of Pee-wee?
Arthur, he's a dog.
You're a person.
Spin it any way you want.
It still stinks.
Oh, come on, Arthur.
You know I love walking you.
Prove it.
Either he goes or I go.
Well, I gotta say
Pee-wee's owners
do pay me slightly more than...
yours.
Fine. I'm out of here.
Congratulations, Pee-wee.
Enjoy it till she
tosses you aside
for the next young pup!
Oh.
Well... I'm yours.
Which direction are we going?
I'm sorry.
I don't walk people.
Uh-huh.
I wish you'd told
me that before.
Holly!
Man: So, we're offering you
a no-cost, 30-year refinance,
and your last installment
will be due in November of 2032.
Before you sign
this, look it over,
see if you have any
more questions.
I just need to say
hi to a camp friend
who stopped by to visit.
Thanks to you, Curt
totally avoided me today.
He didn't even get
me my Starbucks
like he usually does.
Deacon called me an a-hole.
Question for you,
do you think it's wrong that
we're about to sign a mortgage
to live in a house
together for 30 years,
and it just came out this week
that we've nothing in common?
We have stuff in common.
Oh, yeah.
We both prefer the
company of other people.
We nailed that.
We have stuff in common.
Right?
I don't know.
What's all this stuff we have?
Well, OK, for one thing,
we have a great sex life.
OK, but what about when
the sex goes away?
Maybe it won't go away.
Oh, please.
Do you realize how brittle
your bones will be in 30 years?
I'll crush you to dust.
What if we're just
sitting across from each other
30 years from now,
bored to tears,
your father's, like, 105,
and he's hooked up to some
machine in the kitchen,
and I can't even get
at the waffle maker.
That a pretty picture
for ya, huh?
Doug, come on. This is stupid.
We have a lot of
stuff in common,
a lot.
In fact, you know what?
Why don't we each make a list
of our 10 favorite things,
and if we don't have
at least one match,
we do not sign these
mortgage papers.
Fine. OK.
Actually, let's make it 20.
Number 18.
OK, we got 3 more shots
at making a match here.
What do you got?
Sunsets. Sunsets?!
What? What do you have?
New car smell.
What?! I can't believe you!
You see a freakin' sunset
every day of your life!
New car smell. Now
that's special!
All right, all right.
Let's just calm down.
We have 2 more left, all right?
All right, number 19.
What do you got?
A good book.
Do you wanna live
with me or not?!
Yes, I wanna live with you.
I love you, you idiot.
Well, I love you, too!
Well, if you loved me,
you'd wanna go salsa dancing
once in a while.
Well, if you loved me,
you'd enjoy a nice
can of SpaghettiOs
from time to time.
Well, if you loved me,
you wouldn't have used 2 slots
for SpaghettiOs and Beefaroni.
They're different.
If you loved me,
you'd know that!
OK, you folks ready to
sign that mortgage?
Not unless our number 20s match.
We got a whole thing going here.
All right, what do
you got, sister?
You know what?
I bet you our number 20s match.
What? That's right.
And even if they don't,
it doesn't matter.
Man: Great.
Well, we'll get
this all processed,
and we'll mail you
guys out a copy.
OK, great.
Well, thanks for your help.
Thank you very much. See ya.
Bye. Bye.
You really mean that?
It doesn't matter?
Doug, you can't put
this on a list.
Just for kicks,
do you wanna say what
we had for number 20?
OK.
You first.
Chamomile tea.
Porno. Let's go.
So I'm out of the nail place
for, like, 5 minutes,
and the nail polish on
my thumbnail peels off.
So I go back, and I'm like,
"Can you fix this please?"
And Susie...
♪ ...You are everything
♪ And everything is you
♪ Oh, you are everything
♪ And every...
I love you.
Aww.
But the main problem with the
Socialist Party in the 1940s
is that they didn't
tailor their message
to the common working man.
Everything was very...
♪ ...You are everything
♪ And everything is you
♪ Oh, you are everything
♪ And...
favorite mayor of all
was Mr. John D. Lindsay.
Marvelous politician
and, if I may say,
easy on the eyes.
Hey, guys, good walk?
Oh, it was great.
Arthur's been telling me
all these funny mayor stories.
Oh, yeah? Oh, Holly,
let me pay you for this week.
There you go, sweetie. Thanks.
You don't have to
pay my dogwalker
in front of me like
I'm an animal!
Well, you can earn some money
and pay her yourself.
Easy there, sister. I was
just making conversation.
Holly: Thanks, Carr.
Listen, Arthur, I'm
adding a new dog
to our walk next time...
This adorable Jack Russell.
I hope it's not the Jack Russell
I knew in the army. I
left him for dead.
Hey, babe.
Hi, honey. Listen, I'm sorry
I couldn't make that meeting
with the mortgage guy.
How'd it go?
Great. He ran down
the options for me,
and I think I selected
us a refinancing plan
that fits our needs pretty well.
Yeah? Which?
Uh, the purple one.
Did you even read it?
No, but the broker
was pushing it,
and he seemed like a
pretty bright guy.
Look, the middle-aged
black couple here
seems pretty happy with it.
You're not ready
to do grown-up stuff
on your own, are you?
I got the gist of it, all right?
Right now we got 7 years
left on our mortgage.
If we switch to this one,
it's gonna bring our
payments way down
because we're gonna spread 'em
out over the next 30 years.
Hmm. That sounds good.
Yeah. My only concern was
are we really gonna dig
each other for that long?
Well, unless you leave
me for a roast beef,
I think we're OK.
So when do we sign everything?
I'm picking up the
application tomorrow
and I'll bring it
by your office.
Holy sweet Mother,
I'm staring at a
bowl of chocolate.
Yeah, I'm making brownies.
Hey, get away.
They're not for you.
They're for Curt from work.
Who?
Curt, my friend from work.
It's his birthday tomorrow.
Uh-huh.
No... no! Stop it!
Don't... don't do it!
No!
You only bake a
few times a year!
I should be on the business
end of all of 'em!
Doug, I limit my baking
to keep you alive.
Look, you know, I'm not sure I like
you baking for another man, anyway.
All right. You know what? Relax.
Curt is gay.
Oh, well, then there's
no way he can eat
a tray full of brownies and still
look good in his gay pants.
So give. Give 'em to me.
Stop it! Stop!
Woman: Hey, Doug. Oh, hey, Amy.
You, uh, see the wifeski?
The what? The wifeski.
I'm sorry. I don't know
what you're saying.
My wife Carrie.
Have you seen her?
Oh.
Yeah, she should be back
from lunch any minute.
Thanks. OK.
Hey, honey.
Doug: Hey! Hey!
How are ya? Good.
I brought the mortgage down.
Oh, good.
Curt, this is my husband Doug.
Oh, it's great to
meet you finally.
C-Curt. Brownie Curt.
Yeah. I'd offer you one,
but my co-workers pretty much
mowed right through them.
I yanked my hands
away just in time.
Well, no biggie.
Speaking of scary co-workers,
did you see Vanveen
make his way over here?
Uh, yeah.
He was just standing
there, staring at us...
"What ya got there? Brownies?"
Very odd. Carrie: Very odd,
and did you see he was
wearing that thing again?
That thing with the snaps?
Yeah, yeah.
He thinks it works for him.
It doesn't. Uh-uh!
Yeah, totally.
So anyway, I got the, uh,
mortgage thing here.
You just gotta sign next
to the little tabbies.
All right, well, did you
read through it this time?
No.
I paid the guy to put
the tabbies there
so we wouldn't have to read it.
OK, I'm gonna go make a copy.
I'll be right back.
Oh, God, I'm stuffed.
Carrie took me out for sushi.
Oh, great. That's one less
time she begs me to go.
Raw fish not as
good as cooked cow.
Hey!
It's Carrie's work husband
and her real husband
in the same place.
Work husband?
Oh, yeah. It's just this
joke they got going here
'cause we're always together.
I'm her work husband.
She's my work wife.
It's stupid.
No, no, it's...
It's funny. It's funny.
All right, honey. Here ya go.
OK. All right.
Now we gotta go set up the
conference room for a meeting.
The millionaires will riot
if they don't get
their free muffins.
OK. OK.
Curt: It's nice to meet you.
You, too.
Douglas.
Hey, Arthur.
What's troubling you, Son?
You never looked heavier.
Thanks.
Come here.
Well, there's this...
There's this guy that
Carrie works with.
Nothing really bad's going on.
Actually, he's gay.
Ah, the homosexuals.
It's wonderful, the things
they've given to our culture.
I'm a big fan.
Can I finish?
All right.
So anyway,
she and this guy got
this thing going.
They're really close,
and they have all
these inside jokes.
They go out for sushi,
and it turns out
the people there
call him her work husband.
I mean, what's with that?
Come on. It's innocent fun.
I actually had a work wife once.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Her name was Phyllis Schneck.
She worked with me
in a crab cannery
in Glen Burnie, Maryland.
All righty.
Every morning, I would
kiss my real wife good-bye
and head to work.
Down at the cannery,
Phyllis and I would laugh
our heads off all day,
you know, real
inside crab humor.
Then, one day,
at the company picnic,
we hopped off into the forest
in a potato sack
and made love like rabbits.
Now that I think
about it, Douglas,
gay or not, new guy
spells bad news.
The new guy's so cute, isn't he?
He's OK.
I doubt he'll be
doing any Alpo ads
anytime soon.
You're so good with
the Frisbee, Pee-wee.
You're so good with the Frisbee.
We get it.
He's good with the Frisbee.
Hey. Hey.
How was the rest
of your work day?
Fine.
Just fine? Come on,
give me more than that.
What?
Come on. I want to be
part of your work life.
Do you also want to pick out
my outfit for tomorrow?
Look, I'm serious.
Like, what's up
with the weird guy
who kept staring
at the brownies?
Vanveen? Yes!
What the hell is
up with Vanveen?
Give me the what-what
on Vanveen.
Nothing.
Just a very annoying
man who's 4'11".
Why do you care?
Well, excuse me for
wanting to know
as much about your life
as your work husband does.
What? That's right.
You didn't think I'd find
out you're a bigamist,
did you, Utah?
Doug, are you
actually telling me
you're upset because
I have a friend
who people, as a dumb joke,
call my work husband?
No, you know, you're right.
Why am I getting upset? Really.
You just have another husband.
That's all.
Doug, Curt is gay.
What part of gay do
you not understand?
I understand plenty
parts of gay.
Do you, Doug? Yeah, I do.
Well, you're being ridiculous.
Look, even if there
is no sex involved,
how would you like it
if I had a work
wife at IPS, huh?
What if Wanda the
dispatcher and I
just started spending
all this time together?
Wanda never leaves her desk.
She's 400 pounds.
Of fun.
All right, you know what?
I am done with
this conversation.
Whether he's gay or not,
bottom line is you
found somebody at work
you're sharing all
these things with
that you should be
sharing with me.
You guys have all
these inside jokes.
You got all this
stuff in common.
You go out for
lunch, you hang out.
You just described your exact
relationship with Deacon.
No, I didn't.
Think about it.
Have I ever once baked
brownies for Deacon?
No, but you made him
that big sandwich,
and you told me how much you
enjoyed watching him eat it.
OK, that was a new kind
of ham I discovered.
It's totally different.
And you guys have a
million inside jokes.
I mean, I come home, you
two are on the couch...
"Hey, Eddie, Eddie."
I mean, I don't know what the
hell you guys talk about.
So, admit it.
There are many times
you'd rather be spending time
with Deacon than with me.
So whether you like it or not,
he is your work wife.
You're ugly.
What's up, man?
What's up?
♪ Oh, you are everything
♪ And everything is you
♪ Oh, you are everything
♪ And everything is you
♪ Oh, you are everything
♪ And everything is you
♪ How can I forget
♪ When each face that I see ♪
♪ Brings back memories
♪ Of being with you
♪ I just can't go on
♪ Living life as I do
♪ Comparing each girl to...
You wanna catch a movie tonight?
Try and stop me.
Look at the ball, Pee-wee.
Ready?
Go get it.
Oh, isn't he great?
I just love him.
By the way, I was reading
a scathing piece
in the op-ed section
of today's Times.
Did you happen to see it?
No, I didn't.
Oh, who's a good boy?
You're a good boy.
You're a good boy. Ready?
Go get it again.
It was saying we haven't had
a decent secretary of commerce
in over a decade. Oh, real...
Oh, who's smarter than you?
Nobody.
Nobody's smarter than you.
Ready?
Look at it.
Look at it.
Go get it.
Arthur: Come here! Come here!
Give me that ball, Pee-wee!
Give it to me!
I believe this is yours.
Carrie: Curt, do
not ask him out.
Because he's straight.
He is.
All right, good luck to you.
Hey, call me after
the train wreck.
OK. Bye.
It's wonderful to
see how you kids
keep your marriage so fresh.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Listen, the mortgage guy called.
He wants us to meet him in
his office at 3:30 tomorrow
to sign the final papers.
Doug: Great.
In other news, you were right.
Deacon is my work wife,
and I'm good with that.
So there you go.
Are you still on this thing?
I'm not on or off anything, OK?
It's just fact.
You found somebody you like
to spend all your time with,
and so have I.
Don't be a moron.
I never said I wanted to
spend all my time with Curt.
It's fine. You guys can
hang out, eat sushi.
Deacon and I are
going out tonight
to explore one of our
common interests,
the cinema of Mr. Vin Diesel.
OK, you know what?
Hey, Curt, it's me again.
Hey, do you want to go dancing
or something tonight?
OK, great.
So I'll see you in, what,
like, a half hour?
All right, hon. Bye-bye.
Ya happy?
Thrilled.
It's better this way.
Now you don't have
to pretend to care
about sports and ground beef,
and I don't have
to pretend to care
about your new shoes
and your feelings.
You know what? Maybe
I do wanna spend
every second of
my day with Curt.
Feels good to admit it, right?
Feels fantastic.
Would you do me a favor?
Please hand me my
Michael Jordan cologne.
Thank you. Mm-hmm.
Here we go.
Wow, wow.
I like to smell good for my man.
OK.
Zip me, please.
Not a problem.
Zip me, please.
What, your fly?
That's right. My fly.
You can zip your own fly.
That is such a slap in the face.
Hey, you think Vin
Diesel's full name
is Vincent Diesel?
I think the name is
totally made-up.
Really?
So you don't think
out there somewhere
there's a very proud
Sam and Edna Diesel?
Doug?
Hey, Carrie.
Hello.
What are you doing here?
I told you I wanted
to try this place.
What are you doing here?
Sorry, I didn't realize
you owned El Diablo's.
Waitress: Can I
start you guys off
with something to drink?
Yeah, I'll have a margarita.
Oh, do you wanna share one?
I don't drink that much.
Oh, sure. We'll
share a margarita.
Oh, and Deacon and I will
share a margarita as well.
No, we won't.
Fine, then we'll share 2.
OK, thanks.
So, what did you
guys do tonight?
Saw a movie. Loved it.
Lot of explosions
and loud noises.
Not for you two.
So how was your
little dance party?
It was great.
Curt's a really great dancer.
He's in great shape
'cause he works out a lot.
Oh, wow.
Jeez.
Well, Curt, what do you bench?
Oh, um, about 180.
180. Deac, how about you?
I don't know. Like, 210.
210?
Hmm.
That's slightly more than Curt.
Wow, Doug.
Your work wife can bench more
than my work husband.
Um, you know,
I think I'm just gonna
go check on our drinks.
Work wife?
Yeah, Curt is her work husband.
You're my work wife.
Do I like pinto beans
or black beans?
Work wife?
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
Oh, lookee here.
Looks like Curt's found
himself another date.
Carrie: Oh.
Perfect.
I was having a great
night with him
until you showed up.
Work wife?!
It's nothing.
Don't make a scene.
I... I don't know what the
hell's going on between you two,
but don't drag me into this,
and don't call me
your work wife.
If anything, you're
my work wife.
Pee-wee.
Who's the best Pee-wee?
You're the best Pee-wee.
Woman: Excuse me?
Do you know what time it is?
It's, uh...
It's a quarter past
the hour of 2:00.
Thanks.
May I assume you walk
dogs professionally?
Yup.
Would you happen to
have any openings
in your group?
Sure. Always room for one more.
Uh, where's your dog?
You're looking at him.
Time to go, Arthur.
Actually, while you've
been heaping love
on your precious Pee-wee,
I made other arrangements.
This striking young lady
will be walking me henceforth.
Arthur, are you actually saying
that you're jealous of Pee-wee?
Arthur, he's a dog.
You're a person.
Spin it any way you want.
It still stinks.
Oh, come on, Arthur.
You know I love walking you.
Prove it.
Either he goes or I go.
Well, I gotta say
Pee-wee's owners
do pay me slightly more than...
yours.
Fine. I'm out of here.
Congratulations, Pee-wee.
Enjoy it till she
tosses you aside
for the next young pup!
Oh.
Well... I'm yours.
Which direction are we going?
I'm sorry.
I don't walk people.
Uh-huh.
I wish you'd told
me that before.
Holly!
Man: So, we're offering you
a no-cost, 30-year refinance,
and your last installment
will be due in November of 2032.
Before you sign
this, look it over,
see if you have any
more questions.
I just need to say
hi to a camp friend
who stopped by to visit.
Thanks to you, Curt
totally avoided me today.
He didn't even get
me my Starbucks
like he usually does.
Deacon called me an a-hole.
Question for you,
do you think it's wrong that
we're about to sign a mortgage
to live in a house
together for 30 years,
and it just came out this week
that we've nothing in common?
We have stuff in common.
Oh, yeah.
We both prefer the
company of other people.
We nailed that.
We have stuff in common.
Right?
I don't know.
What's all this stuff we have?
Well, OK, for one thing,
we have a great sex life.
OK, but what about when
the sex goes away?
Maybe it won't go away.
Oh, please.
Do you realize how brittle
your bones will be in 30 years?
I'll crush you to dust.
What if we're just
sitting across from each other
30 years from now,
bored to tears,
your father's, like, 105,
and he's hooked up to some
machine in the kitchen,
and I can't even get
at the waffle maker.
That a pretty picture
for ya, huh?
Doug, come on. This is stupid.
We have a lot of
stuff in common,
a lot.
In fact, you know what?
Why don't we each make a list
of our 10 favorite things,
and if we don't have
at least one match,
we do not sign these
mortgage papers.
Fine. OK.
Actually, let's make it 20.
Number 18.
OK, we got 3 more shots
at making a match here.
What do you got?
Sunsets. Sunsets?!
What? What do you have?
New car smell.
What?! I can't believe you!
You see a freakin' sunset
every day of your life!
New car smell. Now
that's special!
All right, all right.
Let's just calm down.
We have 2 more left, all right?
All right, number 19.
What do you got?
A good book.
Do you wanna live
with me or not?!
Yes, I wanna live with you.
I love you, you idiot.
Well, I love you, too!
Well, if you loved me,
you'd wanna go salsa dancing
once in a while.
Well, if you loved me,
you'd enjoy a nice
can of SpaghettiOs
from time to time.
Well, if you loved me,
you wouldn't have used 2 slots
for SpaghettiOs and Beefaroni.
They're different.
If you loved me,
you'd know that!
OK, you folks ready to
sign that mortgage?
Not unless our number 20s match.
We got a whole thing going here.
All right, what do
you got, sister?
You know what?
I bet you our number 20s match.
What? That's right.
And even if they don't,
it doesn't matter.
Man: Great.
Well, we'll get
this all processed,
and we'll mail you
guys out a copy.
OK, great.
Well, thanks for your help.
Thank you very much. See ya.
Bye. Bye.
You really mean that?
It doesn't matter?
Doug, you can't put
this on a list.
Just for kicks,
do you wanna say what
we had for number 20?
OK.
You first.
Chamomile tea.
Porno. Let's go.
So I'm out of the nail place
for, like, 5 minutes,
and the nail polish on
my thumbnail peels off.
So I go back, and I'm like,
"Can you fix this please?"
And Susie...
♪ ...You are everything
♪ And everything is you
♪ Oh, you are everything
♪ And every...
I love you.
Aww.
But the main problem with the
Socialist Party in the 1940s
is that they didn't
tailor their message
to the common working man.
Everything was very...
♪ ...You are everything
♪ And everything is you
♪ Oh, you are everything
♪ And...