The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 5 - Mammary Lane - full transcript

Doug: Follow the break.
Follow the break.

Oh, good Lord, I am gifted.

Hey, hey, hey, come here.
Come here.

What? Come here, quick.

Come here. Come over here. What?

Look.

It's me bowling.

OK. Glad I swallowed
my gum for that.

I had Deke videotape
my stroke, you know,

to help me get ready for the
tournament this weekend.

You want to watch it
with frame advance?



Do I!

OK, ball back...

plant...

release...

follow through.

Whoa!

What? What?

Looks like somebody needs to
wear a belt when they bowl.

Oh, you're right.

Little too much alley
on display right there.

It's weird. I've never really...

seen myself from
that angle before.

Well, I have had the
pleasure, so offy.

So what's in the bag?



What's in the bag?
Oh, just our future.

Does our future include
any sort of chicken?

'Cause I'm very, very hungry.

Sorry. But get this.
Mr. Kaplan, as in,

king of the whole friggin'
law firm Mr. Kaplan,

is getting ready to make
me his new secretary.

Oh, come on. That guy's
been dangling that job

in front of you for 2 years.

But he hasn't seen these.

Toy Dog: Please rub my tummy!

I think you would have had a
better shot with a hooker.

These are for his son.

He has a 4-year-old from
his second marriage.

His wife is out of town,

so he asked me if I
would watch his son

in the office for a couple days,

and I said I would be delighted.

But you hate kids.

Not this one.

I'm going to ride
this little putz

all the way to the top.

All right, well, have fun.
I'm going to meet the guys

down at the bowling
alley to practice.

Bup, bup, bup, bup. What?

Belt. Right-o.

Hey, you guys catch the
Knick game last night?

No. Who won?

Jeez, you believe they let
the freakin' Grizzlies

take them to overtime?

Danny: Hello? Who won?

The Knicks. Why
didn't you watch?

Ah, I couldn't watch
anything last night.

Spence was hooking
up his new TiVo.

What's that?

Ah, it's some new
fancy digital thing

that records television
shows for you.

Except I'm not
allowed to touch it.

But I'll tell you something.

If he thinks he's getting near
my rice maker ever again,

he's in for a rude surprise.

Mark my words!

All right.

Hey, guys.

All: Hey! Hey, Tanya!
What's going on?

Listen, I just wanted to
come over to say good-bye.

Today was my last day at
the shoe rental counter.

Where you off to from here?

Well, I got a job at
Payless in Elmhurst.

It's going to be so nice

to work with new
shoes for a change.

I hear that.

But don't worry,

you're going to
love the new girl.

Her name's Denise.
She's very sweet.

All: Yeah. All right. Great.

Well, good luck in
the tournament.

I'll see you guys.

All: Take care. See you.
Bye-bye, T.

Wow.

It's like we just went
from a Rolls-Royce

to a Ford Fiesta.

From now on,

I'll be renting my
shoes over the phone.

That snack-bar waitress
with the glass eye

just moved up the charts.

Yeah,

so did the alley boy.

You guys are being idiots, man.

Just give her a break.

Not until she gives me a break

and starts wearing a paper bag.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going over there
to talk to her, man.

Think how she feels.

Usually there are guys lined up
like 3 deep to hit on Tanya.

But now look... nothing, right?

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to go over
there and make her day.

Oh, hi. Can I help you?

So you must be this Denise
I keep hearing about.

Yeah.

Well, Denise, I'm
Doug, and on behalf

of the entire Bowl-a-Rama
family of bowlers... welcome.

Um...

Thanks.

Wow. Your eyes are killer.

They're like the exact
same color as my ball.

Hey, shoe question for you.

Why do they make the half sizes

with the line under
the number, you know?

Why not use just the old,
like, half symbol, you know?

What's the deal with that?

Um, I... I really don't know.

It's crazy though, isn't it?

Do you want to
rent shoes or not?

No, I, uh, I have my own.

Um, OK, well, I'll see you.

Wow. She lit up like
a Christmas tree.

Shutty.

Hello, Carrie.

Oh, hi, Mr. Kaplan.
And who is this?

Is this the new lawyer
I've been hearing about?

No, no, he's a few
years away from that.

Jordan, this is Carrie.

She's going to be your friend
for the next few days.

Hi. Hi, Jordan.

We're going to
have a lot of fun.

Oh, if we only had some toys.

Uh-oh, you found them.
Good work, buddy.

All these toys you bought.
My goodness.

Oh, I'm happy to do it.

Is this the kind of
stuff he usually likes?

To tell you the truth,
I have no idea.

His mother handles the
day-to-day stuff.

Anyway, Carrie, thanks a lot.

You're a lifesaver.

My own secretary wanted
no part of this.

Just one more reason for me to
give old Marge the heave-ho.

Well, that's none of my affair.

All I know is I love kids,

and I could have that desk
packed up in 5 minutes.

Well, Jordan, just have fun.

Daddy will come get
you at lunchtime.

Do you like Indian food?

We'll figure it out.

See ya.

OK. Bye-bye.

Hey, what you got there?

A train? Choo choo!

Choo...

Oh, I...

I didn't mean for
you to stop, I...

No, come on,

you got to get the train
going to the next station,

or it's going to... whoa. OK.

I don't think that's the
next station, buddy.

Ha ha. No, it's right here by Mr.
Teddy Bear.

Choo... whoa. All right.

Um...

Jordan, honey,

you see all these things
on the floor here?

Those are your toys. Yeah.

And these 2 things on my body?

Those are not your toys.

No, no, no, no. Ha ha.

Hey, since you like
squeezing things,

why don't we play
with this stuff, huh?

This is good.

It's fun. You can
make it into a ball,

or a snake...

OK.

Coming.

Oh, hey, Holly.

Hey, Spence.

Is my little guy
ready for his walk?

Oh, more than ready.

He had some Snausages last night

that did not agree with him.

Been there, done that.

Hey, um, do you want to
see my new purchase?

Oh, your Spider-Man suit?

You modeled it for me last week.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's... it's my TiVo.

See, it's this thing
that records TV shows,

but the cool part is,

it's intuitive.

See, once you program
in some shows you like,

it gets to know your taste,
and then automatically

picks out and records
shows for you.

Wow. See ya.

No, no, no, no. Come here.

Just come sit.

Now, the other day,

I programmed in Sex in the
City, Six Feet Under,

a few other favorites.

And now... presto.

A whole list of shows TiVo
recorded just for me.

Oh. Priscilla, Queen
of the Desert.

Never heard of it, but
TiVo knows I like it.

Judy Garland: Live
at Carnegie Hall.

Uh, OK, I...

Decorating with Style.

I... I... don't know why...

Queer as Folk.

Oh, my God! TiVo thinks I'm gay!

All right, boys, it's
time to get serious here.

This is our last practice
before the big dance.

Tomorrow the world learns

what the men of IPS are made of.

Yeah, let's do it!

Hey, who's our first
match against?

Uh...

Mail Boxes Etc.

Damn post office wannabes!

Ah, crap.

Anybody got an extra lace?

Uh, no, I don't
have one, but, um,

why don't you go get one
from your girlfriend?

Yeah, go ahead, make her night.

"Make her night."

That is so great!

Oh, man, you're good! Oh!

Come on, man, look, she did
dust you off pretty good.

All right, look, she's
new around here, OK?

Maybe she's just nervous
in front of the customers.

Sure, that's it.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I need a pack of laces.
How much?

Um, I'm not sure.

Let me ask my boyfriend.

Trevor!

Yeah?

Um, sorry to bother
you, sweetie,

but, um, this guy
says he broke a lace.

Broke a shoelace?

Yeah, they break. They're
not made of steel.

That's a buck.

Thank you.

Babe, you look hot tonight.

Come on, stop.

We're at work.

Anything else?

No, that's all. Thanks.

Unbelievable.

What happened?

She must've thought I was
hittin' on her last night,

'cause she made a big show of
trotting out her boyfriend

in front of me. "Hey,
sweetie, I love you!"

Please help me sell this sweaty,
horrible man a shoelace."

Well, who's her boyfriend?

That guy right there.

That guy?

That's her brother!

Her brother?

She had to get her brother to
pretend to be her boyfriend?

I'm that much of a sleazeball?

I guess so!

Hey, I was doing her a favor!

It was a mercy flirt!

Carrie: See, Jordan, those
are Chinese handcuffs.

Uh-oh! Now your hands are stuck.

It's fun being stuck, isn't it?

Let's be stuck all day.

But I will read you
a little book,

OK, while you are... ohh!

No! No!

What a pair! What?!

The two of you. You
look great together.

Oh! How's it going?

Um, well, actually, uh...

It's going great. It really is.

Fantastic. Yeah...

You really are a lifesaver.

You have fun, kiddo.

Hey, sweetie, you wanna
grab some dinner?

Anything but Chinese, though,

'cause I had Chinese for lunch.

Unless you really want Chinese.

Let's get Chinese!

Anybody home?

Uh, I'm not hungry.

What? What's wrong?

Oh, it's this thing
with Kaplan's kid.

What's the matter?

You got a little Dennis the
Menace on your hands, huh?

What, he put a
frog in your desk?

Give you a little hot foot?

He feels me up constantly.

Huh? Yeah.

He grabs my breasts
every chance he gets.

Come on, he's a kid!
That's what kids do.

And besides, I remember
you laughin' pretty hard

when Deacon's baby used
my dealie as a speed bag.

Doug, this is totally different!

I mean, this kid... He...
he's old enough

to know exactly what he's doing!

I'm being sexually harassed!

You are not.

I am! Think about it. OK?

The kid gropes me,

I can't complain about it,

or I won't get my promotion.

That's Sexual Harassment 101.

He's no better than
any other sleazeball

who thinks all women
are fair game.

Oh, so you just assume
he's a sleazeball.

Yeah, I do.

Really? Did you ever
stop to think that maybe

he's just throwing
you a mercy flirt?

Huh? Yeah.

Yeah, maybe that he's
just feeling you up

as a favor to you? Huh? Yeah.

What?!

Yeah, you women
are all the same,

you know that?

You think that every
guy's after you

'cause you're so irresistible!

Hey, here's an idea... why
don't you get your brother

to pretend to be your boyfriend?

That'll show him!

What are you talking...
I don't even...

I don't have a brother!

Oh, please!

Doug, what are you
sticking up for him for?

I mean, you should be
going down to my office

and beatin' the crap out of him!
OK...

first of all, I haven't
beaten the crap

out of a 4-year-old
since I was 8.

And second of all,

I'm with the boy on this one.

Sorry if that's a kick
in the cornflakes,

but that's the way
it is, sister!

You're crazy!

Oh, here we go, all
men are crazy!

No, not all men, just you.

Oh, really? I'm crazy?
Well, you know what?

Crazy man go bye-bye.

Bye-bye! Bye-bye! Yeah!

What do you want from Chinese?

Mmm!

Yeah!

Oh, hey, Spence, you're home.

Just now. Um...

do you have a second?

Oh, actually, one of my clients

is getting neutered,
and I should be there.

Well, just... Just for a second.

Just sit. For a second.

OK... OK.

Um...

remember, for some reason,

TiVo thought I was gay?

I mean, how crazy was that?

Phew...

it was crazy.

Yeah, well...

I have a feeling

TiVo won't be making any
more dumb mistakes.

See, I let it know

what a big sports fan I am.

Oh... Yeah! Had it
record my football,

my hoops,

that Nascar race I've
been wantin' to see.

So...

let's see what shows
TiVo recorded

now that it knows I'm
a sports junkie.

Men's Ice Dancing.

OK... What... what the...

Breaking the Surface: The
Greg Louganis Story.

Oh... This is wrong!

No, you said TiVo
was intuitive...

No, no! I... I...
I'm not gay, OK?

I love women. I've stalked them!

I'll... I'll have sex with
you right now if you want!

Um...

I'm good. Listen...

uh, I should go. Hey, um,

good luck with that whole...

not gay thing. I... I...

TiVo's wrong! This is wrong!

Ohh, how dare you label me?!

"Oh, I record shows digitally!"

You're gay!

Yes!

Whoo!

So, how's it goin'?

Not so good.

What's the matter?

I'm being sexually harassed.

Really?

Me, too! Who's harassing you?

A 4-year-old.

You?

TiVo.

P.A.: Attention,
tournament bowlers,

please make sure your lineup
cards are filled out.

Denise will be coming around

in a few minutes
to collect them.

Will you forget about
that girl and focus here?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah!

Got your lineup card?

Oh, yeah, right here.

Mmm. Good luck!

Thanks.

What the hell was that?

Nothing. She was getting
our lineup card.

Did you see her
trying to avoid me?

I'm surprised she didn't
burrow under the alley

like a ferret.

OK, listen to me.

Last year in this tournament,

we lost to Pottery Barn.

We got our asses kicked

by people who sell
decorative candles.

Now, I need you
to play your game

and stop worrying about
the damn shoe girl.

You're right. She's
just a shoe girl.

I mean, who the hell
does she think she is,

copping an attitude with me?!

I mean, if I was
goin' after a girl,

I could get somebody
much better than her,

much better!

Wait a second, I did.

And she's here right now.

You know what, I'm gonna go
show Denise what's what.

Hey! Hey.

How about a kiss
from my lucky charm?

Hmm? All right.

There you go. Good luck.

Come on, now, you can
do better than that.

Lay one on me. Just give me

a nice little kiss here, huh?

I don't feel like it, OK?

I've been clawed at
by that kid all day.

All right, well, just
give me a little sugar.

I'm really not in the mood.

Can you just let...
Get off of me!

What is wro... Give
me one little kiss!

Will you please stop?

Stop it!

I'm telling you, this thing

with Jordan is driving me crazy!

Carrie, I know you
feel violated,

but hang in there.

In 2 days, he'll be
back in preschool.

I can't take

another 2 days of
this, all right?

Every time I blink I see a pair

of grubby little hands
and a Garanimals shirt.

You know what?

I'm just gonna tell Kaplan

that I can't do it anymore.

Hi, Mr. Kaplan.

Oh, good morning, Carrie. Uh...

can I talk to you for a second

about my watching Jordan?

Well, actually, I'm glad
you brought that up.

Seems the young fellow
wants to make a change.

What kind of change?

Well...

to be honest with you,

he's kind of taken
a shine to Amanda.

OK.

Thanks for all
your help, Carrie.

Sure!

Hey, Jordan.

I heard about your decision.

I guess I understand.

I just hope you tell your father

that I treated you well.

Although I clearly couldn't be

all that you wanted me to be.

Just so you know,

those are fake.

Sorry, man. I, uh...

I really let the team down.

Yeah.

OK, you didn't have
to agree with me.

Well, what the hell
am I supposed to say?

You bowled a 94.

It's all her fault.

Hey, you know what?

I should end this right now!

Just tell her once and for
all that I'm not into her,

I was just being nice.
What do you think?

Do you understand we got
beat by Lamps Plus?

Hey!

Hey!

Hold up a sec!

Hey!

Wait up!

Aah!

Oh, God!

Aah!

It was a mercy flirt!

TV Announcer: Tonight
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