The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 4 - Kirbed Enthusiasm - full transcript

OK, vanilla cone with the
rainbow sprinkles...

That's $2.43.

There you go. Thanks.

Out of 20?

Do you have anything smaller?

No, that's, uh, yeah,
that's all I got.

Hmm. I don't have
change for this.

Well, it's all I got.

What do you wanna do?

Well, uh, I told you I don't
have change for a 20.

Man on TV: Fudge.



Woman on TV: What's
wrong, honey?

Man: There's a very rare
archipelago butterfly,

and I forgot to bring my camera.

Woman: No, you didn't, sweetie.

Man: What the hell...

Good God.

What?

Are you gonna move
at all this weekend?

Are you planning any activity?

Hey, I've been plenty active...

in here.

Please.

I'm serious.

I just learned that if I'm ever
bein' chased by a grizzly bear,



I should run down a hill.

'Cause bears, they
can't run downhill.

Their back legs get all bunched
up with their front legs,

and they... They just wipe out.

Gotta be honest with you, hon,

not sure you can run downhill.

All right. Just for that,
I'm not gonna show you

the safe way to milk a goat!

TV Announcer: For the next hour,

we'll take an in-depth look

at the gentle giant of the sea,

the North American manatee.

Next, on Wildlife Channel.

What up, dawg? Hey.

Hey, Deac.

Carrie!

Hi, Kirby. Look how
cute you look.

What brings you by?

You invited us for dinner.

Really? I already ate, but
I can get it goin' again.

So, uh, hey, how was practice?

Ah, it's brutal.

The only reason I'm
coaching this freakin' team

is to get Kirby to play,
and he still hates it.

No, no, no, no, no. See, he
can't hate football, OK?

He can hate brussels sprouts,

he can hate white people,

but he can't hate football.

You know, I'll tell
you what it is.

Since the divorce,

he spends all his
time around women.

I mean, Kelly, her
mom, her sister...

They got this boy
watchin' Lifetime, man.

That is rough.

Yeah, and Kelly's got
him in the choir,

school play, and next summer,

she wants him to go
to theater camp.

Theater camp!

If he's gay on his own, I
have no problem with that.

But Kelly, she's spiteful.

I think she's pushin' him there.

Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo!

OK, I guess the catch is over.

Hey, maybe you could
help me out here.

How?

Help me coach the team.

I mean, you played
some serious ball.

Maybe you can get Kirby
fired up about the game.

Practices are
Saturday afternoon.

What do you say?

Oh, I don't know, Deac.

It sounds pretty good.
It's just that, uh...

I got a lot of stuff
goin' on around here.

Daddy, I'm gonna help
Carrie cook dinner.

Is it all right if I take
off my football costume?

Go ahead.

My son just called his
uniform a costume.

Please... help me!

OK, kids, we've got

a really exciting addition
to our coaching staff.

Back at St. Gregory's
High School

where he was the
star running back,

his nicknames included
"The H Train,"

"Pound Cake," and "Hefferlegs."

He even tried out for the
Nassau Rebels semipro team.

Please welcome Coach Heffernan.

Thank you very much,
Coach Palmer.

All right. Now, I'm gonna
go get the game jerseys.

Coach Heffernan is
gonna get you goin',

and I'll be back
in a little bit.

All righty. Well, first off,

I already know that
Kirby's a stud,

and lookin' at the rest of you,

you look like some pretty
tough-nosed S.O.B.'s.

All right. So now it's time

to put the pee back in peewee.

That's how I'm gonna
do things around here.

I'm gonna keep it loose and fun.

You're fat.

OK, that's... You know what?

That's a common misconception.

What I like to call
this area right here

is a low center of gravity,

which is gonna help
you in this sport.

Did you really ever
play football?

Uh, yes. As Coach
Palmer just mentioned,

I was very good. I
played in high school.

He said you played
for the Rebels.

Uh, no. He said I tried
out for the Rebels.

So you didn't make the team?

I made the team,

but there were a lot
of politics goin' on.

You know, the coach
had his favorites,

and there was a
whole locker thing.

Let's discuss our
offense, though.

So you quit? I didn't quit, OK?

I had a lot of
pressure at the time.

I was getting married,
and, you know...

You're fat.

OK, that's it. Take
a lap, OK, Rusty?

OK, now, ladies, you ready
to talk about football?

'Cause this Saturday,
you're gonna be lining up

against the Elmont Chipmunks,
and they hate you.

All right, but we're gonna have

a couple tricks up our sleeve.

Now, I know they like to shoot
their linebackers wide,

so once we get 'em
thinkin' wide,

that's when we run our
fullback up the gut.

OK, or we run the option.
Who's with me?

OK, you know what?

Maybe it's better if I show you.

Blue! 295! Blue! 295!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Yeah! Oh, yeah!

What's up?

What's up?

Whoo!

Yeah!

What's up? Whoo-hoo, yeah!

All right! All right! Yeah!

Doug: Whoo! Whoo!

Yeah! All right! Whoo!

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell am I doin'?
What am I not doin'?

I'm gaining 17 yards a carry.

I'm threadin' the needle.
You should have seen me!

Kirby is sittin' in the minivan
listenin' to Dan Fogelberg.

I literally jumped over
this little dude's head.

I just, like, choked him! Sorry.
I'll take care of it.

Hey, guys, gimme a little
of this, all right?

Gimme some of that!

Oh, wow. Sweet minivan, huh?

Whoo! Whatcha got here?

What is this, A... little moose?

Oh, he's chargin'!

All right. We can lose that.

Here's the thing, Kirby.

You can't just stop playing

in the middle of practice.

Mommy said if I wanted to
quit the team, I could quit.

Look, when things
get tough in life,

you just can't quit.

You gotta strive to
make yourself better.

Like Tom Cruise... He's got
everything, right? Wrong.

He didn't like his teeth.

So he got braces.

The point is, he didn't
give up on his choppers.

And you shouldn't
give up on football.

But you quit your team.

The Rebels? No, no, no, no.

I had to stop. I had
an upcoming wedding

and a coach whose nephew
could do no wrong.

If you stopped playing,
I can stop, too.

Look, believe me, I
didn't wanna stop.

So try out again.

Well, there's...

If you play, I'll play.

That sounds fair.

Yeah.

Hey, babe. How was practice?

It was good. It was fun.

Interesting. What are ya...
What are ya makin'?

Well, it was gonna be
chicken and Rice-A-Roni,

but I burnt the rice,

so we're lookin'
at Chicken-A-Roni.

Hey, you know what I,
uh, realized today?

How much I miss football.

You know, how much I miss
having it a part of my life.

You mean the 10 hours
you watch every Sunday

ain't gettin' it done?

Y-You'd think it would, but no.
No.

No, I'm talkin' about,
like, the contact.

The smell of the grass.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I'm gonna go get
us some Taco Bell.

Uh, you know what?
Don't worry about me.

I'm gonna just eat
somethin' light.

Apple, maybe.

What? You mean, like, apple pie?

No, an apple. I think I just need
to start gettin' in better shape.

I thought you wanted to
see how big you can get

and still wear jeans.

No, no. I was just thinkin'
about what you said,

you know, the other day when
I was lyin' on the couch...

that I should be more active,

and that's why I picked
up one of these.

"The Nassau Rebels
tryout waiver"?

Yeah, you remember the Rebels.

No.

Sure, you do. It's
a semipro team.

I remember the team.

I mean, no, you're not
playing football again.

I think I am.

What the hell is going
on here, anyway, Doug?

I mean, you spend one afternoon

runnin' around with a
bunch of 8-year-olds,

and all of a sudden,
you're turning pro?

OK, first of all, it's semipro,

and there are a couple
9-year-olds there, OK?

Look, here's the thing. I
promised Kirby I'd play.

Why?

Well, Kirby wanted
to quit the team.

So I made a deal with him.

He'll keep on playing
if I do this.

Does Kirby know that
you're 36 years old

and have a heart flutter?

What... What are you saying? You
don't think I can handle it?

Oh, no. Sure, you can
play football again,

but why stop there, Doug, hmm?

Why don't you become a superhero...
Captain Neckfat?

That's nice. How long you had
that one in the holster, huh?

You are not playing
semiprofessional football. OK?

It is ridiculous.

It's just on the weekends, and
believe me, I can handle it.

I played football all my life.

And by the way, you
can't just say no, OK?

I'll do what I want!

I just need you to
sign this, though.

You gotta sign this.

Why?

Spouses need to sign.

A couple wives sued. Whatever.

"We, the undersigned,
hereby waive any claims

"against the Nassau Rebels
for any bodily injury,

concussion, paralysis,
and/or death."

In case you didn't understand
the form, these are all bad.

It's gonna be fine, OK?

I already called Danny.
He's gonna train me.

You know, he used to be a personal
trainer back in the late eighties.

Oh... well, now I
feel much better.

Why didn't you tell me
your slightly less fat,

asthmatic cousin was
gonna train you?

Look, I am doing this! OK?

Hefferlegs is back in town!

I still need you to
sign this, though.

Any back pain?

No.

Arthritis?

No.

Trouble urinating?

Yeah. When I get excited,
I pee on the rug.

OK, what are we doin' here? When are
we gonna start liftin' weights?

Relax, guy. I can't train you
unless I know your medical history.

Fine.

Do you suffer from headaches?

No.

Ever had a cardio-bypass

or valve replacement?

If I did, don't you think it
would've come up at Thanksgiving?

OK, y-you're fighting me here.

You're not understanding
the Danny system.

I'm trying to tailor a specific
training program for your needs.

And not just your
physical needs.

But I focus on the mental...

the spiritual...

and the emotional.

Let's go, maggot!

Come on... lift it,

you worthless sack of sh...

I don't need to be berated.

I don't need to
find my "center."

I don't need to learn
the "Navajo way."

I just need you to help
me get back in shape.

So you're angry.

Yes.

Welcome to the Danny system.

What do you say we go
build us a better Doug?

Hey, Car. Hey!

Well, is he ready yet?

Oh, he'll be right down.

Why don't you have a cup
of coffee and a Danish?

Well, OK. Yeah. Sit down.

Thanks. Yeah.

Here you go, sweetie.

Yeah. All right.

You nice and comfy?

Yeah. Good.

Ow!

What the hell is wrong with you?

That's for making Doug
play football again.

He's gonna get himself killed.

I didn't make him. Oh, oh.

You know what? I expect

this kind of
stupidity from Doug.

That's a given.

But not from you. You should
be lookin' out for him.

I do look out for him.

Oh, bull. You're just
tryin' to de-gay your son.

All right, fine. I'm not
thrilled about things.

But is it so wrong? I mean,
is it so wrong for me

to someday want to
visit my grandkids

and not my bachelor
son and his 2 cats?

I want you to tell Doug to stop.

You know what? You
know, I don't think

you should be so against this.
I mean,

have you seen your husband lately?
He's workin' out.

He's eatin' right.

I mean, look. He even taped up

this old picture of himself
so he can stay motivated.

Now, tell me you wouldn't kill to
get him just halfway back to this.

I'm horny just
lookin' at the guy.

I don't care how he looks.

I'd rather have him
fat than dead.

All right, come on!

You can do it!

One more! Let's go! One more!

That's right. Bring it to mama.

Come on! Come on, now!

Push! OK! Yeah!

Ohhh! Ohh! Come on!

Yeah! Ohhh!

Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.

Up, up, up, up, up, up, up!

Down, down, down, down, down,
down, down, down, down.

Down, down, down.

OK. Good, good, good, good, good.
That's good.

You take a short
break, all right?

I got 300 waitin' for
you right over here.

Oh, God.

Hey, man. How's the champ?

Aw, just another
day in Stinktown.

I'm gettin' ready to
relocate 300 L.B.S. What up?

I just stopped by
to say thanks, man.

You really came through for me here.
And... And listen,

Kirby made you somethin' to
wear at the tryouts tomorrow.

It's a... It's a bandana. See?

With your name on it. You're
really, like, his hero, man.

Look, who knows who's a
hero for who, you know?

I'm just one man, and... What is
that, glitter? I can't wear that.

Come on. 300. Let's go.

Come on. 300.

Let's do it! 300, baby.

Ohhh!

Ruuuuhhhhh!

Aaaahhhh!

Yeah!

Wow! Whoo!

3 bills. Damn.

Oh, look, who knows
who benches what?

Could I bench-press
a full-grown deer?

Sure, but it's about the kids.
That's really what matters.

Ohhh... Thanks.

Ohhh...

What the hell is this?

What the hell's what?

These things are Styrofoam!

Styrofoam?

Uhh... I'll look into that.

Meanwhile, you start
banging out some sit-ups.

Why the hell am I
liftin' Styrofoam?

Oh, it's just those two.
They're my motivators.

Your what? Mo-ti-va-tors?

They build confidence?

What the... So what
are you sayin'?

I... I ca... I can't bench 300?

I gotta be honest with you.

I don't think you can bench 200.

But you think you can bench 300.

That's the magic.

So, what... what about
everything else?

What about the 40-yard dash?

I... I didn't really run a 4-8?

No, no. You ran a 4-8.

But it was the 29-yard dash.

Why the hell would
you lie to me?

I didn't lie.

I mo-ti-va-ted.

I cannot work like this!

Hey, hon. What are you doin'?

Rollin' a ham-and-Swiss doobie.

Doug, you're...
You're in training.

Your tryouts are tomorrow.

I'm not tryin' out.

What?

Why?

'Cause Danny lied...
about the weights,

how much I was liftin',
how fast I was runnin'.

You're right. You know what?

I'm not an athlete anymore.

I am what I am.

But you can't quit!

Why not? Well...

for one thing, you
promised little Kirby.

Please. That kid's got Ice-Capades
written all over him.

All right, all
right, forget Kirby.

But what about you Doug?

You... You can't give up on your dream.
You love football.

Yeah. I can still love it
from the couch every Sunday.

What the hell do you
keep lookin' at?

Our sushi magnet.

No, you weren't. You're
lookin' at "Eighties Doug"!

No, I wasn't.

That's why you got on
board with all this!

Not to support me! You just
don't want me to be fat!

I don't think you're fat.

You don't think I'm fat?
Look at you!

You're lookin' at me right
now like I'm 2 meals away

from needin' one of
those little scooters!

All right, fine, OK? I admit it.

I like you better when you can peel
an orange without breakin' a sweat.

At least you're bein' honest.

All right, forget about
the pictures, Doug.

This isn't about me. This is...
It's about you.

I mean, I gotta tell you...

since this whole
football thing started,

you're like a different person.

You're... You're focused,
you're committed...

sexy...

yeah, and...

really, you've worked
too hard to quit now.

But Danny lied about...
Oh, so what?

So the other guys are
stronger and faster.

That doesn't make 'em
better football players.

Actually, that's exactly what makes
'em better football players.

All right. Yeah. OK.

So you can't lift 300 pounds.

But you're strong, Doug,
and football is your game.

I was pretty good.

You are pretty good!

And you know what? You might
not make the team tomorrow.

Big deal. But I'll
tell you somethin'.

After tomorrow's tryouts,

those guys are gonna know that
Doug Heffernan was there!

Ooommmhhh!

Ohhh... God!

Watch out, man.

Aaahh!

Ready!

Hut!

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God!

Daddy, can I quit
the football team?

Way ahead of ya.

Guess I'll...

I'll go meet Doug by the car.

What can I get ya?

Um, I'll have a small
nonfat yogurt, and...

a bucket of rocky road.